PB Issue 5 by Anvil Tree Media

the painted brain

“Inner Strength is a priceless but undervalued game for everyday life. Will you choose to play it & win? Or will you quit before trying?” - Ke André Bell-Washington

release your inner strength

issue five - sunday feburary 14th, 2010 (original release)/wednesday october 27th, 2010 (re-release/limited edition) theme concept: Ke André Bell-Washington cover: Procession by Ramon Homer Lucindo painted brain logo: Hector Chaidez, Larry Rozner, Ashley Gaines

theme design: Larry Rozner back cover: Genesis by Abraham Garza editor-in-chief: Dave Leon

Back in 2005, a couple of us were trying to figure out how to help a bunch of fairly isolated young people come together in meaningful ways. A handful of drawings, a couple of poems, some group discussions, a little spare change, and the idea that a magazine could pull it all together was all we really had. Who would have thought we’d have come so far? You hold in your hands the re-release of The Painted Brain’s Fifth Issue, made possible by the good people at the MHSA Workforce Education and Training Administration and at LA Harbor College. This gave us the opportunity to fix some bugs in, and improve upon, the first edition. My deep gratitude and sincere thanks to Ke André Bell-Washington, who went above and beyond to bring this issue to its full potential. -dave

the painted brain a project of community partners

table of contents

key contributors & information (page 4)

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released

pp. 5-17

“whether I express myself/ by turning thoughts & words into poetry;/...i will continue to be me/ ...this is my declaration!” -k.b.w’s “my declaration!”

art piece by ozzie blount

with members from daniel’s place, didi heirch, the t.a.y. academy and common ground; this poetry & art section is the biggest one yet at 13 pages. note: this section has a different layout from the original and features 6 new art pieces & 4 new poems.

photo by diana ligon

Your Events! Resurrected! pp. 38-45

2009 voice awards reported by blair & k.b.w 38-40

Inner Beauty Style & Fashion 2.0 pp. 18-29

photo by amer azad

what could you do by adding 4 models, 5 photographers and a make-up artist since the second shoot; while bringing back videography and stylists from the first; and best of all, create a brand new layout design with new photography from the original spread? you could give all of the professional fashion magazines (and it’s editors) a run for their money!

the fab 7: (top right corner [top row]) marcus, thomas, k.b.w, eran; (bottom row) robbi, blair & (bottom right corner) drew the rest of the best: photographers: amer, blair, dave, diana, drew, george, marcus, penelope, robbi & cooper (assistant); stylists: erica & k.b.w; make-up artist: blair; videographer: elan

blair & k.b.w laughing it up with actress bree larson at the 2009 voice awards in paramont studios.

this section has been revitalized (again) to meet this reprinted issue’s standards, and to prove it...we added a page to “the voice awards” & a brand new summary!

Personal Strength Stories pp. 46-53

smokey the female cat by n.b.e.i.c 51

pp. 30-35 mania and bipolar disorder 31

hallucinations and delusions 33 my eight steps to schizophrenia by thomas 34-35 art piece by abraham garza

A Little More Prose...

pp. 36-37

isolate journey by eran a short story about a young man trying to find his place on earth...as well as happiness.

we all deserve hope: an interview with elyn r. saks by jenna 46-49 lucien lee: a work in progress interviewed by k.b.w 50-51

The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness Chapter 1: Coping With Symptoms

depression and anxiety 32

summaries of the fourth issue release party, the lilly reintegration awards, spare some change, venice mozaic: art. music. poetry. & the fifth issue release party by blair, dave & k.b.w 41-45

elyn saks sketch by amer azad

ke andré bell-washington’s making it happen volume 1: a new day is calling! 52-53

from a law professor at usc, to an aspiring actor. an army vet to even a feline, these 4 stories are the heart & soul of “release your inner strength”. photo by diana ligon

conclusion and complete list of services & agencies (pages 54 & 55)

key contributors & information Dave Leon

Editor-In-Chief, Advisory Board Member, “The Mini Brain” Group Leader, Photographer, Editorial Reporter, Writer (“The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”)

Ke André Bell-Washington (1st Picture; Photo By Kevyn Major

Howard) Associate Editor, Creative Director (Including Theme Concept & Quote; Layout Concept & Design For “Inner Beauty Style & Fashion” [Original Release Only], “Your Events!” [Original Release Only], “Our Art & Poetry Re-Released” [Re-Release Only] And “Personal Strength Stories” [Re-Release Only]; Layout Design For “Inner Beauty Style & Fashion 2.0” [Re-Release Only] And “Your Events! Resurrected!” [Re-Release Only]), Journalist (Editorial Reports; 1-On-1 Candid Interview), Autobiographer (“Making It Happen” Anthology Series), Original Spokesmodel, Poet, Stylist, Photographer, Writer (“The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”)

Marcus White

Advisory Board Member, Master Of Ceremonies (Issue Release Parties), “The Grounded Artist” Group Leader, Drama Group Leader, Artist, Spokesmodel, Writer (“The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”), Photographer

Blair Walker (2nd Picture)

Assistant Associate Editor (Original Release Only), Assistant To The Creative Director (Layout Design For “Our Art & Poetry Re-Released” [Re-Release Only]), Editorial Reporter, Artist, Poet, Spokesmodel, Photographer, Make-Up Artist

Mike Hannant

MSW Intern, “The Mini Brain” Group Leader, “The Grounded Artist” Group Leader, Artist, Poet

Erica Siegal MSW Intern, Music Group Leader, Knitting Group Leader, Stylist Penelope Lewin Advisory Board Member, Knitting Group Leader, Photographer Jenna Rodman Advisory Board Member, Journalist (1-On-1 Candid Interview), Artist

Amer Azad

Artist (Including Front Page Of “The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”), Photographer, Writer (“The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”), Poet

Eran McDonald (3rd Picture) Spokesmodel

Short Story Writer (“Isolate Journey”), Poet,

Thomas Mountain (4th Picture)

Writer (“My Eight Steps To Schizophernia” From “The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”), Spokesmodel, Poet

Matt Lord Advisory Board Member, Music Group Leader Abraham Garza Artist (Including Backcover), Poet Ramon Homer Lucindo Artist (Cover), Poet GET INVOLVED! Group Leaders listed Robbi Rabei Photographer, Spokesmodel, Artist on The this page ran weekly and monthly Painted Brain activities from October 2009 to May 2010. Drew Ivie Spokesmodel, Photographer Check out our website to learn about our weekly editorial meetLydia Lam Photographer, Artist ing and current art and writing groups around town and in our Ozzy Blount Artist, Writer (“The new home: Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”)

Justin Donaghho

Artist, Writer (“The Beginner’s Guide To Mental Illness”)

Larry Rozner 4

Artist (Including Theme Design)

The Painted Brain 1335 Willow Street Los Angeles, CA 90013

check out our virtual home: www.thepaintedbrain.org

...AND LET’S KEEP CONTRIBUTING!!!

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released Concept by K.B.W release your inner strength Layout Layout Design by Blair & K.B.W Your family has abandoned you Your friends’ words no longer ring true You want your life to be through

But even after all that has happened You have tried your hardest to never give in Tried to find strength within Know that YOU ARE ENOUGH AND YOU LOOK PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE Even if you're not an A-List celebrity You're still a star And don't be in such a rush To fall in love Even if it takes a decade or two There is somebody out there that loves you When you start to take all of this in That is when you will build strength within Your altercations with bitter enemies appeased You no longer feel the need to please The people you want to be appreciated by Because now your mind is meditated Your soul spiritually pleased Your hunger for happiness will never be deceased Your inner strength is finally released Poem written & theme conceptualized by Ke André Bell-Washington on Tuesday August 18th, 2009

release your inner strength by Abraham Inside my skin, I am confined Fragile self; unstable mind Sweet relief is hard to find When in searching I feel blind Find an exit within a book If I simply choose to look The TV leaves a rotting mass inside my skull 500 channels make me dull Wish it was only an illusion Each day brings it on confusions Medication and my bed I need more to fix my head Hope to awake and feel well Instead my dream makes delusions sell Its not me that needs to escape But my way of thinking I must reshape

I Met a Girl Today by Thomas Last night I met god’s daughter I woke up in sweats But before I forget Let me right it down in a letter My dream was painted in green and purple Her and her two kids sat down in a circle

Father and suitor of two broken computers Depression is the human condition But still knowing the future

I sat there telling him of my plans And the more I talked The closer she moved her hand

A new son, a father and a daughter confusion is the question and what was the offer The words came softer And easier to speak We came too close to reality So I jumped out my seat or my bed So I wrote this down before the secret left my head

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released The One Who Slipped Away Dear Gerry, Hey handsome How is life treating you? I wonder if you at times still think about us Because I sure do It’s been way too long since we last saw one another If we could have lasted just a little longer as a couple You without a doubt would have been my first lover But it never happened that way You’re the one who slipped away Hey dude You always had such a positive atitude At times I thought something was fucking wrong with you Now I’ve realized You just had your life together While I was struggiling internally every day Maybe that’s why you’re the one who slipped away

Hey cutie Your words of wisdom always moved me Homophobia & racism would never get the best of you And because of you Not only I also pulled through I am out & proud to be gay I just wish you weren’t the one who slipped away Hey smarty You always knew every damn question to every answer on “Jeopardy!” Which was fine by me © William Walker III They Are Nobodies I was more into “Wheel Of Fortune” anyway That hour of T.V. at 7 P.M. every Friday They say I will never succeed. Made every painful day in high school worth the wait They say I will always lose. You were such a gentleman too They say I’m this, they said I’m that. Never pressured me to have sex with you They say I’m hopeless. Always asked how I was feeling They say I’m weird. Always opened the door for me They say I’m nothing but just a vapor in the wind. And whenever we went to dinner & saw a movie They say my dreams are wasteful. You would always pay They say I should be afraid; that I should afraid of Now that the economy is in the shitbowl the arrows of the day and the terrors of the night. You (OF ALL PEOPLE!) They say I’m careless. Had to be the one who slipped away They say I’m a hypocrite. They say this; they say that. Hey sexy They are jealous of my success. You will always be my half-Puerto Rican, half-Cuban adonis They are jealous of my dreams. By your smell, touch, taste and kiss They are jealous of my hopes. But fantasy is always followed by reality They are jealous of me. And truthfully They try to bring me down. I was way too young for you They try to hinder me. And you were way too old for me They try to trap me in a long-suffering corner. Which was why I wasn’t accepted by your family They try to poke fun at me. Now all that’s left They try to poke my heart. Are memories of what we used to be They try to poke my eyes so that I would not see my destiney. I guess there’s nothing else to say But when they do these things. I lift up my head. Except you will always be, “The One Who Slipped Away” And I give a smile. I WISH YOU WELL AND GOD BLESS! I welcome them with a kiss. And drop coals on their heads. Your male Lolita, by Eran McDonald K.B.W Thursday November 19th, 2009 7

release your inner strength The Imaginary Thought of Society

My Face I finish taking my shower Past the 11 A.M. hour Look in the mirror and see my face A face that had a natural glow and visible dimples Is now largely overshadowed by scars, distress and pimples A face that’s been called both attractive and ugly Depending on one’s standard of beauty But my face captures my physical individuality AND I WILL NOT ALTER IT BY SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON PLASTIC SURGERY My dreams are still to make a permanent mark In Hollywood as well as Broadway But not to the point of selling my soul and integrity And that is a guarantee My face is beautifully flawed Therefore it is beautifully human Yet I still wish my adult-onset acne would go away In some way Someday K.B.W

He was lost in a world of laughs, a world of mockery, and a world of prejudice. He felt unaccepted in his society. Nobody Knew his name; Therefore they gave him a name. He left his name behind and picked up the name which was given him. He lost himself due to the prejudice of society. However, a sweet breeze spoke to his ears: “Know yourself, Be yourself, Love yourself.” He immediately realized That he did not have to be compelled to the society’s label of prejudice. He accepted who he was and bought back his name of birth. He is one with himself. He has found favor in himself. He forgot his community’s conception of him and began to live his life the way he wanted. He has won. by Eran McDonald

Wednesday October 14th, 2009

THE 1st POEM INSPIRED BY HER by Kenton

As I battle the darkness within my heart one hope has stayed while the rest have depart The love that you’ve shown me and the kindness you’ve shared has made me think that perhaps someone still cares So as I lay on the floor by my bed A light blossoms where all others have fled Your face fills my heart, my soul and my head and thoughts of suicide have gone and flown from my head And as you lay asleep in your bed you’re unaware that because of you I’m not dead Uh-oh look who has entered my room Death has come to claim what he’s killed Dangit I shouldn’t have taken so many meds As the darkness consumes me and leaves me for dead

Life’s a Wave   Life has its ups and has its downs. The world will always continue to spin. Sucked into turmoil of distress, I seek for joy. I feel as if I looked everywhere. Instead of running with life’s currents I run against life’s currents out of fear. I’m stuck in a state of mediocrity. I leap for joy and I tumble. Life has its up and Life has its down. When I try to ascend, I descend. I’m stuck in life’s downs. I feel weakened. But Knowing that there’s hope for A new tomorrow, I still fight to fly. by Eran McDonald

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released

People will tell you it can’t be done, Keep going, Keep going, Keep going, People will mock you and ruin your fun, Keep going, Keep going, Keep Growing? At times life will seem impossible and bleak, Keep going, by Mike Hannant Others times you’ll feel hopeless and weak, Keep going, When you reach that goal look back with pride, How you stood your ground and found your stride, THE 2nd POEM INSPIRED BY HER by Kenton What was life to me but strife The thoughts the feelings the images that weren’t right

The Beauty by Eran McDonald I am being molded. I am being broken into pieces. There is no limit to what I can do. I am being rejuvenated. I am being redeemed. I can fly if I want to. I can soar if I want to. I am being transformed. I feel like I am floating I am walking on the clouds. I am at ease.

The picture in pieces the fragments weren’t there How did I live when I lived in despair Despair is lost hope of future and dreams It leaves you with nothing not even meaning The feelings I felt were splintered and gone And the glass that I looked through no longer held charm And just when my life was to crumble and fade I felt an aura around me that amazed me and gave… Life a new meaning the stars a new bright joy a new feeling and love a new high So as I sit here and look into your eyes I feel the emotions that gave me such life and… © Larry Rozner

The pieces are back the fragments are there and the love that we feel can never be teared

release your inner strength Who Are Your True Friends?* *This reprinted poem is the true representation of “Who Are Your True Friends?”. The word “friend” is used so often and so loosely The exact meaning is losing its existence I personally would never preach on who you should befriend Because I have been backstabbed As well as done the backstabbing Instead I am going to ask specific questions rhetorically On what you think a friend is: Is a friend someone...? Who gives you something you ask of them? Even when that something is addictive and harmful? But later felt remorseful? Is a friend someone...? That loves to take and is extremely grateful But hardly ever gives back? And while being confronted about it Say they are being attacked? Is a friend someone...? You have known since kindergarten Who would introduce you to his high school friends? And find out they’re all in a notorious street gang? Not only have they realized you’re not “down to bang” But that you’re trying to make it big in Hollywood They’ve beaten and stabbed you 3 times for “snitching” on them By simply trying to protect your neighborhood

Is a friend someone...? Who gave you brotherly love? And later became your second love? Who gave you passion and fulfilled your sexual needs? And a week later...gives you a venereal disease? Is a friend someone...? When given the chance to seek revenge For sleeping with her boyfriend (The same boy who was your second love) She took the high road instead and accepted your apology? Wishing you had her serenity Even in this present day I still feel a little guilty

We all want love Not just romantically but also platonically Yet we at times shut down and fall apart When given the choice to give and receive An authentic friendship Especially when your wounds are beyond skin deep Now I ask myself Who are your true friends? Will they be there through the thick and thin? From the beginning without an end? Or will they tear down all of your walls? Only to anticipate your downfall While shrugging and saying, “It’s not my fault!”

Is a friend someone...? Who was like your Siamese twin for over 6 years? Was there through your blood, sweat and tears You gave the same in return without fear Then when you do a favor out of compassion But not in the exact way he wants it Time, day and place At the end of your day He throws your past issues and insecurities back in your face? YOU ARE WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH And ends his tirade by calling you a “homewrecker” SO YOU BETTER ASK YOURSELF LONG AND HARD But the real sad part is OR YOU COULD BE THE NEXT ONE TO GET BURNED!!! Not only I wasn’t hurt But I smiled Even showed off my dimples K.B.W Saturday October 24th, 2009 It’s called “emotional numbness” people

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released No shame No substance Yet had time to better his sexual prowess He would handpick her as his next conquest Toni didn’t care about her virginity anymore She gave birth to this actor/writer/confessional poet On June 25th, 1984 At the tender age of 16 Merely a baby who just had a baby Whose maternal instincts were far from motherly Disappearing were her goals and ambition As, “The love of her life” Left her ass without an apology Or a single payment for child support Reduced to receive assistance from the state and county Her feelings of anxiety and apathy Gradually turned to envy, anger, and bitterness From her heart, mind, body, and spirit within This was the beginning of the end Toni didn’t care about her education anymore Her highest level of completion College sophomore Her hatred towards me became hard core Throughout my childhood I wanted to ask her what have I done wrong It’s been said, “Time always flies while you’re having fun” I say when shit goes bad and smells really foul Time is too damn long The kitchen knives and daggers she threw at my back Were ever so often Yet it was only her that could take my mind off them Instead she chose to party and fuck random guys When she should have stayed at home And been a mother to yours truly those same nights

Toni*

*This reprinted poem is the true representation of “Toni”.

This narrative poem is about a girl named Toni Born and raised in South Central Los Angeles She was a definite tender roni Five-feet-two with a slender figure And a brain that had a lot of knowledge Never caved in under peer pressure This young black woman had dreams of going to college Then Toni did something Something not only she wouldn’t expect But wholeheartedly accept And left everyone who knew her best dumbfounded She fell in love Fell in love with a philandering lowlife named Kenneth The type of guy that, “Fucks them and leaves them” “Hit-it-quick and split” However you would personally call it He was everything and anything but legit No job

Toni didn’t care about her parental rights anymore At my tender age of 16 She showed me the door Now I am a lot older And even a little bit wiser The largest bridge I will ever build has burned It was nice knowing her Maybe later in my life I will let go of this resentment & pride And even take it all in stride Maybe later in my life I will contact Toni for the first time in several years While trying to hold back the tears And tell her I DON’T WANNA START A FIGHT LET’S TURN THIS WRONG INTO A RIGHT I WANT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE I NEED YOU BACK IN MY LIFE I MISS YOU MOMMA! K.B.W

Sunday September 27th, 2009 11

release your inner strength SHATTERED by Kenton The shattered fragments of a mirror depict my life my hopes my fears My life has been a series of cuts destroying all not leaving much The feelings of hope being torn away shattered in pieces utterly swept away The constant fear that all will be lost the fear that all will be turned to dust Cracks in the mirror not stopped by walls of grey the walls just crumble and all gives way It comes crumbling down in clouds of dust my life as I see it is not worth much Waiting for time to melt away but time can’t stop while I’m awake As insanity envelopes me and blocks the pain time turns back as it melts away

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released

Marissa Minna Lee © Josh

How can I end something that’s never begun? Something so lost that it can’t be found. I’ve looked so hard that my eyes now burn, my vision’s blurred. It’s like running up hill while loosing a fight. Can’t stop it, can’t make it begin. Time to change the path I’m on, use my head, and think with my heart. Begin to stop; how can I? It’s not even real, just a dream, a wish, a nightmare maybe. Still, I’m left searching for answers, talking to my sould, now questioning myself. Looking lies in the face, waiting for a sign. How can’t I stop? I’m not getting far. It’s clear I’m going the wrong way. “Keep up” my mind whispers. I can’t keep up. Now I’m lost, turned around in the night with scattered thoughts. It as to end here. I wake up. -v.lee

release your inner strength (((Too Many Times))) -Tigran Derpaulian When I wasted breath and waste away my precious time again through this for anyone to care one bit, piece through piece, there’s something I’d like to teach everyone and anyone what I got to say, my words are me on this, so don’t leave me out of this, when just read my lips, listen to my heart, all in through my mind. No, I’m not a fuck up, and I do not want to be stereotyped and judged first through and what appears in your own mind by how you perceive things and what you’re used to or grew up with. I’m just myself in expression, and writing expresses who I am and how I think, and I am serious right now and so it’s not funny, and I never changed inside so far, but I will always be getting smarter when if I’m alive and normally aware. So now you can go ahead to lock this door and that door on me, it’s all up to you, and just maybe no one would be there for me just yet, but no, I’m not stalking at all you are just plain crazy, and it’s all crazy. I already have too many thoughts racing in mind, and I would forget you put me through it all, that am when it helps to write this and all. But the only thing that I can handle is what I can do best, no excuse, to feel better, as like I do what I think is mo0st comfortable to me, it’s what I enjoy about myself, that’s what’s best for me, and just to get out of reality, but for all this, it turns out to be part of reality. The stress…..as I shake…. NO MORE! You all make me crazy sometimes when I’m not even crazy anyways and in the first place in the moment. My own words and everyone else’s words can be precious in fate, but I don’t know

about anyone else but my words on here would be priceless. “Maybe you all just don’t know it all I suppose, when it helps to write this and all,” I repeated too many times, as much as I would say anything else anyways. But why would you say such things and why would you do such things? Dedication is bliss. I guess that’s all it for you all, do your own thing, leave me out and behind if you please, so hate me if you please, you all just grow out of anything or whatever anyways, and it gets old when you’re older or just old every time most of the time. You keep on cursing your life away, it’s all of it you know, I supposed. This is how shits always been for me, and it’s such a coincidence, and all just maybe I won’t ever tell you secrets of mine anymore. So like some shit wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t meant to be, but anything would happen more and again as it could, and other crap did happen, just most of it. Some things you do or don’t do doesn’t get you anywhere in life in effect, but I’m the only one that is supposed to control my destiny anyways. Have you realized how you all can’t read my mind till I put it down, even if none of this makes sense, but I might realize that I can predict others minds like even yours? I’ve realized a lot, it’s true, but yeah, I’d try out something to understand experimentally, and I feel I just won’t do it again, and it just doesn’t ever matter most of the time so far to anyone; and what matters to know is that not liking and hating is basically the same, and just thinking about it is all insane No one ever knocks on my door anymore, so are you all showing your true colors for once and for all and again? Well her we go, it’s too many times

as much as walking too many steps it took me to blister on my feet. I don’t want to be left alone all the time because there’s no need everyone! But just maybe you all are just tired of my presence. So this is how I feel down inside when I wish for no worries because I don’t need them. It’s a never-ending story that is the same over and over again too many times and it gets old and it’s old. Nothing’s new; but I still question, “What’s new?” So my feelings are so-so hidden, but what I care; I care for everyone to care, that means I care about everyone most of the time, did you know? So I hope to push myself to change for the future to change around us, so help out what comes by in need. I know and heard it all about growing up, so I wouldn’t thank you years later like they all say. You can’t say what I will do or be when I grow older, you don’t know, and don’t plan for that, because I or anyone could change their minds. You can’t even talk me in or out of anything through cutaway alleys as nice as you can be in any kind of opinion from by what I say, even though sometimes if you say you don’t have a problem with it, it’s demented. It’s not cool for anyone to ruin my opportunities or even anyone else’s, even if they say it’s cool or they’re cool because of that, and please why? Don’t let your mind think your lies are true!!! I hope this poem never gets erased or switched around or even stolen, even if I’m gone, but for all this, you didn’t care to want to know mostly of all this in time. I didn’t want to mention any of this in time, so please, no more regrets, and when no one cares, nobody knows. When I’m ready for anything, I’ll be ready. All the hopes….. don’t forget. Forgive Me.

Our Art & Poetry Re-Released

picture paint by jules

The haunted of my spirits inherits the lyrics that bleeds teaching of certain belief’s . I have faith in me to lead the way out of this embedded maze , located on the face of the moon . Once on the surface I will murk this for certain . Once you learn this there’s no stopping .flow dropping on cracks above the creve’s . I’m bending canon’s . I can’t stand this . Living in a oblivion cerribian of the west . Their’s no softer crest with a brush that could paint this verbal painting . Slithering out my comfort zone . Blowing out bubbles with the shape of cone’s .depicting my thrne gold . Encrypting cypher’s with meditation . With the hip hop persuasion . Dedication to the nation “must have patience “. Time can’t be waisted , it’s a fact I faced it . But many placed it as in active . Never passive . Dectating my mood for the masses . Frantic , I surpass this . I over shadow the night . I make it datker then what you truely fright . I’m showing you the light of my life which isn’t much . F*ck the radio , my ratio of independent is in my blood . My heart pumps mud , literaly .my amount of feel converts sound into elaberit composition’s , but that’ typical , I live centripical . Do not doubt it though . Having two comparable strength . I have more then two shadow’s when under different lighting . Having to feel the cold to feel the warmth of a loving home is as cold as stone . Blown from the inner dome . I control both magnetic poles . I will save this world from collapsing . By adapting to the lonely weather . I am sychologicly better when under any doubt . I sprout like seed . I only keep what I need . Pattern’s of smoke , lit lattern’s of hope .I slip on what I drip drop out the lip . This is sick on certain occasion’s . Imagination is at it’s work when I laid this . What’s the score , I adore mty dreaming when I snore . I’m with this to the core . Hip hop is what I store . The fact of being me is what you see, towards me . Pawning facts about about this relationship in tact . These pothetic tic tac attemp’s I protect . Hardly the end if I’m not mistaken . Ariel attack taken to a whole other serving . Intity , I am much to me . I touch to see who’s front of thee . Believe what is seen . No other way to explain it . I’m simply often my own . Sitting on throne . Name is already known . My life is as clear as water . I never had a father to see my soon to be daughter . Your a bother . Slaughter the who’s the know . Boost power .it’s established I vanished into the unknown , yet I’m simply known .

Never forget your new year’s resolution Early birds catch the New Year coming in We made it through another year Yell happy New Year when it comes Evening, night, midnight then comes the New Year A birthday may fall on New Years Happy Birthday to my friend Rob Reach out to someone on New Years Everyday could be a holiday A cause for celebration Save time to be with friends and love ones this year. -Emani

release your inner strength © Justin Donaghho

The Camelback Crickets by Philip Brubaker

The camelback crickets are back again. Shit. They jump around the bathroom, unable to clear the tub, but repeatedly banging themselves into it, out of fear that I will squash them. I never have and I never will, at least not intentionally. You see, I respect the camelback crickets. I see them in the carpeted corners of my one bedroom apartment. I see them dance around the spiderwebs under the lip of my refrigerator door. They always dart out of my way and so I respect them. They never leap onto my plate of meatloaf or onto the bristles of my toothbrush. They stay low to the ground, the camelback crickets. They don’t leave any waste. They don’t nest. Where do they go to sleep at night? I never find them between my sheets or in my underwear drawer. We are roommates. When I stumble into the bathroom in the middle of the night, bladder heavy, I have never stepped on one, even though I am as wanton as a running dog. When they hear me coming they stay away. They are not brazen like spiders who bum rush your bare foot out of panic and scare the bejesus out of people with lesser constitution than I. While a spider will charge, a camelback cricket will not. Many people mistake camelback crickets for spiders. A cursory glance leads to this impression. They look somewhat similar upon first glance,

but their hind legs are noticeably larger and more powerful than any part of a spider. It is these hind legs, you see, that can propel them like rhaphidophoridae rockets into the air. Do I admire them? Yes, I admire the camelback crickets. They’re clean and efficient. They don’t bite. They don’t leave shit everywhere or make annoying webs that I get my face caught in all the time and leave me spitting strands of silk out of my mouth. And in an empty apartment that can sometimes feel cold and vacant...in a way, they are pets. Unlike dogs, they don’t jump into my lap and lick my face and demand attention. They have their business to attend to, as do I. We have an understanding, the camelback crickets and I. If there were a way to have my apartment free of them, that would be nice. But I am not going to poison them. No. You wouldn’t do that to a roommate. I imagine that when it warms up I won’t see them anymore. After all, they never emerged until the seasons changed and it became inhospitable for insects. They do seem to follow me though. This is the third place I’ve lived where I’ve had them leaping around my bedroom all the time. I don’t take it personally. They’re as common as leaves in your gutter or tile mildew. They lived here before I did.

Z by Ramon Lucindo I open my eyes He’s still asleep I get off the bed Leave the room Make my way down the stairs Wobbling and unsteady My feet tied to several rubber bands to the spiral railings to the floor to the roof My head trying to make sense of the swirl as fast as a crawl from the night’s Serotonin visitors In and out like funeral guests I go out and roll myself My first cigarette I brew My first coffee Cigarettes and coffee My hands serving Intermittent nicotine and caffeine Mr. L. Dopa trying to pull me Up I think I’m awake The sun is as confused and inconsistent As I am I sit And wonder What will this day be? Will I suffer the presence and ills of rats? They populate everywhere In front of my eyes Behind On the sides Will I scoff them off? Will I smile at them? Who am I? Who am I as I wake? Do I want to make sense of this unit of time That comprises life? This life of tears and screams Both wet and shrill I shake my head To these moments that drag me And drop me To depths With no promise of air I go back upstairs And there he is: Still in bed Shirtless under the sheets Prescription glasses still on his face I look at him He looks at me Then, A smile A greeting He rises up, kisses me and says: My boo!!! It’s morning.

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MY DECLARATION! I AM A PERSON WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS NOT A MENTALLY ILL PERSON Stigma says otherwise But I say I will continue to rise To persevere and have my psychological breakthrough So I can be strong enough and pass it down to you © Abraham Garza

Whether I express myself By turning thoughts & words into poetry; Performing spoken word or a monologue from a play For the audience with sincerity; Capturing an object's & someone's essence through photography; Interviewing celebrities & public figures With zest, flair & vitality; Editing & creative directing for this magazine; Shining in front of a camera with my natural beauty Or writing skills that further show my abilities From an editorial report to a short autobiography I will continue to be me As well as love me for me And eventually win the war against adversity

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My inner strength is my compassion because I love working with people and helping people every day.

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My inner strength is to fight my brain tumor. To

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My inner strength is having...

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My inner strength is to prove to my late father that I wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be defeated by my mental illness.

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My inner strength is being idealistic and funny. Just being me.

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the beginner’s guide to mental illness Chapter 1: coping with symptoms

The Painted Brain is proud to introduce The Beginner’s Guide, an ongoing series that will address issues like surviving hospitalization, the impact of drugs and alcohol, and making decisions about medication. In this first chapter of our series, Painted Brain members discuss their own symptoms and coping stategies. This is not intended to be a panacea; we don’t cover all the symptoms. As Elyn Saks encourages in her interview, become a Patient Activist. “Learn about your illness...learn about how it manifests in you, your own warning signs and how to prevent a relapse.” Find out how some Painted Brain artists cope with their own symptoms in the following pages. Symptom sketches by Amer Azad. Sarah Palin and a very unhappy Bullwinkle by Larry Rozner.

THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO MENTAL ILLNESS

Bipolar Disorder

I cope with anxiety the most. The way I cope with it is a mental exercise. I tend to feed off other people’s anxiety or paranoia. I use my imagination, thinking they have anxiety worse than me at the time I’m feeling it. So that calms me down a whole lot, to the point where I am comfortable enough to be social. -Jules Try not to take yourself so seriously. Sure, when anxiety and fear rear their ugly head, it’s easy to feel helpless. In my limited life experience I’ve found that a sense of humor is one of the best assets a person can have. Laughing at yourself (not out loud, at least not... loudly) is a good way to keep things in perspective. Laugh through the pain. You will make it through today and that’s all that matters. -Philip

Bipolar disorder used to be called manic depression, which referred to the alteration between states of mania and periods of depression. Mania is a state in which people feel sped up, like they are running a mile a minute. This state can feel euphoric and will often involve a sense that one does not need to sleep, that one can take on the world and all it’s problems, and can even include false beliefs like grandiosity, invincibility or having a special relationship with god or famous people. Mania can also include significant increases in creativity and feelings of personal power. This state does not last forever and people who experience bipolar disorder will also experience periods of depression, described in the next session. The changes between the two states can be gradual or relatively sudden.

symptoms. I continually take my meds, go to therapy and use many coping skills that I have learned over the past years. -Andrew The symptoms that im currently coping with are racing thoughts, thoughts of suicide, and social anxiety. To manage the racing thoughts doing any kind of exercise really helps. Usually I skateboard, or ride my bike and these really help get my thoughts into focus. The symptom I’ve been having trouble with lately is the social anxiety. I’ve even had to drop a few classes due to this symptom. What I do now to cope with it is just think positive thoughts all the time or try starting conversations with random people in my class. I find this really helps. Thoughts of suicide are really hard to cope with as well but again thinking positive always helps. I try taking one day at a time and focusing on what I have accomplished so far rather than what I haven’t. -Amer

Being bipolar is no fun because you deal with a lot of mood swings, including anger and depression. I’m a cartoonist, so I deal with these symptoms simply by drawing really funny stuff. Watching cartoons never hurts either. It’s all about having a sense of humor, The symptom that I deal with most often is a feeling of hopelessenjoying life and laughing at yourself once in a while. ness and pointlessness. For me, this is not just a bunch of thoughts, its an almost physical feeling of weight on my back, a hunched, -Ozzy closed-in feeling. Sometimes I can imagine what would make me feel better. Sometimes I can’t even imagine anything helping. I can I mostly describe my symptoms in two words: anger and mania! know that taking a walk or a short ride on my bike would help, or When it comes to anger it goes to punching walls and breakdoing some yoga, getting my body moving would probably help. ing stuff. When it comes to mania I buy stuff to cope with my Sometimes I can get this going but other times I feel so stuck that

reckless spending

excess energy

confusion

release your inner strength

Depression and Anxiety Depression is a mood disorder that often includes feeling sad or guilty, low self-esteem and self-worth, weight loss and lethargy, difficulty concentrating and sometimes thoughts of death or suicide. People who have depression often are confused about why they are feeling so down and can sometimes feel bad even when they can’t identify a specific reason. One of the more common and problematic components of depression is a feeling that one is a burden to one’s friends or relatives paired with thinking that one does not deserve to feel better or get help. Anxiety is more than just feeling worried. People that have anxiety experience both physical and psychological symptoms. Physically, people with anxiety can have muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, headaches, nausea, and restlessness along with thoughts like constant worry, phobias, catastrophic expectations and rumination about problems. © Larry Rozner

I just stay in bed, maybe reading, maybe looking at the New York to be an actor by performing in community & college theater. Most Times website for the ninetieth time, sometimes just staring at the recently with “Release Your Inner Strength”, I made my debut as ceiling. When it’s bad, I literally just have to wait it out. a published poet, editorial reporter, photographer, stylist, candid interviewer, associate editor and creative director. THIS IS HOW I -dave COPE! -ke andré bell-washington I deal with depression, social-anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I have overcome the social anxiety and ptsd through years Right now is the essence of where I am moving toward. Only of cognitive behavioral therapy. The depression comes and goes. sometimes I get distracted. Depression, anxiety, worry (paranoia) At first I lost interest in everything for no reason. Then I got a bit about the past or future steals the moment from me. I’ve found better, after that I usually got depressed as a reaction to negative I like to focus when I am happy. Like when everyone’s in a circle events in my life. Mostly, I am trying to focus on my judgement of laughing at one small comment at a time and you don’t want to miss character in order to filter the negative influences out of my life as the joke. So I’ve found the following helps with depression and much as possible. Hopefully, that will lead to less stressful situaanxiety most: exercise like running, yoga, stretching, martial arts and tions in the future. sports, essential fatty acids daily and being appreciative of whatever -anonymous I can. Practicing finding all the things I’m glad are here keeps me able to stay here. I often know that my bipolar disorder has me I have a mental illness called Avoidant Personality Disorder. The talking a little too often. So instead I say what I want in my head. symptoms include (but not limited to) hypersensitivity to criticism It keeps my head clear and helps me pay attention. When I worry or rejection, an inferiority complex, self-imposed social isolation, about the past or future I think or say two or three thoughts: lonely self-perception, mistrust of others, and emotional distanc 1. There are more possibilities available in every moment ing related to intimacy. A doctor DID NOT diagnose me with this. than we realize. None of them really took the time to know me as an individual, 2. Where am I? Here. What time is it? Now. Who am I? but rather just as another patient. So I diagnosed myself. NO ONE This moment. KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ME AND THAT IS NEVER GO- 3. I love you (to myself and all of life). ING TO CHANGE! I think this illness stems from a painful childIn social situations I look to compliment the things I admire about hood. I couldn’t interact with anyone (especially my peers) in fear people, appearance or actions, and have learned that it’s better to of humiliation to myself or others. Instead, I dd introverted things smile more, laugh more, and play more, especially if others are too. such as reading and writing. At 17 years old, I pursued my passion -anonymous

hopelessness

fatigue and lethargy

suicidal ideation

THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO MENTAL ILLNESS

Hallucinations and Delusions

Probably the most deeply misunderstood, most stigmatized, and most falsely portrayed mental illness is schizophrenia. People with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities and are not psychopaths. The most common features of schizophrenia, delusions and hallucinations, are not unique to schizophrenia and can occur in depression, mania and as reactions to trauma. Psychosis is a state in which it is difficult to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Hallucinations are false perceptions that can affect any sensory system and when a person is first experiencing psychosis it can cause confusion and fear. Delusions are thoughts that are often based on false ideas and beliefs.

Of the many tools I have and use daily to get through the day, I find in a lot of people exposed to schizophrenia in one form or even with visual and auditory hallucinations, even paranoia. I use another have many steps they go through. Youth are exposed to cognitive thinking. The simplest way to explain it is to understand a the devils of high school. Drugs are often one of them. harmful or unwanted behavioral or thought pattern and to under Step 1. Sober up. stand how it starts and keeps propelling itself. Telling yourself Step 2. Find a higher power. that there is no one going to get you rather than looking for the Step 3. Find and utilize your support group. non-existing culprit, telling yourself that that voice that’s telling Step 4. Deal with all your inventory. you to hurt yourself has no power over you and no power to hurt Step 5. Live life to the fullest and don’t forget to rememyou. If you understand that there are several steps that you must go ber God (in your own form) and family first. through before you get to a place you don’t want to be and you have plenty of time and opportunity to stop and get out of the cycle, you -anonymous can do it before you get to the place you don’t want to be in. When the symptoms of my disorder schizophrenia hits me I feel -anonymous low and under pressure. I feel slowed down and at a daze of my consciousness. I start to get paranoid and hear voices that hurt High level anxiety is a beast. The feelings of doom coming over me with their tone. I can’t take it and start to think of something you, and not knowing where that uneasy feeling is coming from, is to help me cope. I usually try to tell myself they aren’t real and go hard to go through. Having been diagnosed with schizophrenia, back into reality but sometimes the voices mixed with anxiety and paranoid type, I experience this hyper anxiety often. I find that paranoia are so overwhelming. I must focus all of my attention on watching my caffeine intake helps me know and be more aware of something else. So I look for food or sleep, they both put me into my symptoms when they arise. Not doing drugs or substances is another realm of happiness that helps me escape from the erie tough to do, but I feel better when I stay free of them in general. hands of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is one of those disorders If I have creative inspiration when I’m feeling anxious or hyper I that’s hard to escape if your not on meds and active in your recovtry to write, paint, or make music. That usually helps. It also helps ery. I believe that family and friends are a good way to fight the illto be around people with a good attitude (and try to have a good ness, also having good exercise and eating habits promotes a healthy attitude myself, too). I hope this helps you out in your symptoms. and happy life. Good energy and having a good sense of humor have helped me in my struggle to fully recover from schizophrenia. -Justin So I plan to fight stigma with all I have. -Marcus

changes in appetite

voices and visions

perfect mental health

My Eight Steps To Schizophrenia by Thomas P. Mountain

To the reader: The purpose of this article is to give some basic ideas of what schizophrenia is like. I use a lot of my own experiences to help describe this illness. Who better then some one whose been there before?

I. First Breaks I have read that many people who have schizophrenia where first diagnosed in between the ages of 18 and 25. That’s not to say that these people had never felt symptoms before this age. I was first diagnosed at the age of 20 but even before that I felt something was wrong. II. Hallucinations (visual and auditory) I see homeless men and woman on the corner, and they seem to be talking to themselves. Before you call them crazy, recognize them as people first. I am one of us too. I came back from Thanksgiving vacation on Friday of ‘99 and all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I started hearing my neighbors talking to me. I thought I had just turned psychic. Don’t laugh. I just had to leave my house. I walked 3, 4, 5 odd miles to Venice beach. It was so strange. The colors on my clothing seemed to match everything around me. I was hearing “voices” and if I stood too close to someone I thought they could hear the people in my head talking to them.

III. Symptom Management The best way not to relapse is to find the right medication or combo of medications and stay on them. Drugs and alcohol aren’t the best either. Good sleep and a good diet are very important. Also try to stay away from too many stressers if possible. That’s not to say isolate yourself though. I know it’s difficult to socialize but at the beginning just take it a little at a time.

THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO MENTAL ILLNESS IV. Hospitalization It’s hard to find a good hospital. Some of them are nice. Once on a 5150 I met this girl. She was 18 and having her “first break”. She was banging her head against the wall and said a woman who called her self ‘Chase’ was making her do this. I ask her “what was the woman’s REAL name?”and she found out by asking the voice. I told her to look around her house with her imagination and she did. She was better after that. We played cards and had a great conversation. I got out 24 hours later. V. Support Groups (outpatient) There are many support groups out there. They usually last about an hour with 15 minutes breaks in between. Some people use the breaks to smoke and/or socialize. The groups will generally have a lot of arts and crafts, journaling, anger management, and a lot of relapse prevention techniques as well as social skills classes. They’re fun. Some of my best poetry, and even more important, best friends have came out of these. VI. Friends and Family Some of the best organizations have just started with a hand full of people who have just one thing in common, that their loved one is mentally ill. So where do they go from there? They could start a non-profit. This is the story behind NAMI. They have a lot of family-to-family support groups where family members can come together and share their experiences, goals, concerns, fears, and get feedback from people who have been there before. I think that family to family groups are very important in solving problems that come up in our community and in the rest of the world.

VII. You Can Lead a Normal Life The government has come, somewhat, to realize the importance of the mentally ill in our society. Not to just let us die in the streets as they would in the medieval days but actually build a whole economic base for us to strive and survive in this new century. Prop. 68 was passed allowing one percent of income from each millionaire tax payers to go to mental health services. One can get SSI and can still work and not be punished for going back to work. There are employment opportunities for the disabled. Your local job coaches and counselors can tell you where consumers can find work, as well as social activities, to bring about a healthy and beautiful life where we can be proud and count on each other and bring purpose back to our lives. VIII. Conclusion In writing this paper I have thought about myself and my experiences. See, just over this past holiday season it was the tenth anniversary of my first break. I have almost been honored by having this experience in my life. I would like to thank the Painted Brain, NAMI, Didi Hirsch, Daniel’s Place, and of course my mother for letting me use her laptop tonight. Through our greatest depressions there are people out there to help us. I’m just thankful to be able to give back! © Amer Azad

release your inner strength

Isolate Journey by Eran McDonald Chapter 1 Paul Lander had a troublesome life: being an outcast, the death of his grandmother, being raped by another male, and having to cope with daily life issues. Although he was going through internal catastrophes, he did great at acting as if he was “Mr. Sunshine.” Thus explaining why he was a habitual liar. He didn’t feel comfortable telling the truth about what was really eating him alive. Either he was going to be ridiculed, killed, beaten, or devoured; he chose not to let everyone interfere with what was bothering him. Paul Lander struggled with his sexuality due the incident in his earlier teen years (molestation). He done a lot of experiment-

ing with both women and men; however, deep down within his heart he knew that this lustful nature he had was killing him alive. Bringing about fear into his heart daily, Paul felt powerless over the sexual desires embedded within his heart. Pornography, voyeurism, sodomy, and drugs were his only way of coping with the tough situations he was going through. Marijuana and cocaine were Paul’s drugs of choice; furthermore, he was exposed to other drugs such as heroin, acid, hallucinating mushrooms, meth-amphetamines, and crack cocaine. Although influenced, he never tried them except for marijuana and cocaine. He had a phobia of losing his mind. Even though he heard stories of a good high from other drugs, he felt that since he already experienced spiritual phenomena, he would have terrible trips on the drugs. Paul struggled with the issue of drug usage for several years; however, the drug issues were not that strong of a problem for him. The protagonist of his daily downfall © Elan Shukartsi

was his sexuality. For instance, Paul had a total of two boyfriends in his life. Although they loved him dearly, he didn’t feel the same connection that they felt for him. Paul’s first boyfriend was a beautiful mixture between African-American and Mexican. He had beautiful curly hair, nice caramel skin, and eyes that were irresistible to stare into. His name was Logan Hernandez. Logan was obsessed with Paul, therefore putting Paul in a tough situation. Paul never had anyone share his or her love for him in a romantic way. Logan would share how much Paul meant to him, but Paul couldn’t express his love because he wasn’t in love. He only wanted to experiment. Paul’s first relationship allowed him to understand whether with males or females, love could not be played like a game. The heart cannot fall in love with just anyone. Although Logan was in sincere love, Paul wasn’t prepared. Logan started to see through Paul’s intentions and Logan crushed his own heart. He denounced Paul and not only denounced him but also shared their experiences with the public. Paul’s humiliations could never be numbered. After experiencing such embarrassment, he went home to his room and sliced his wrist with a blade hidden under his mat-

A Little More Prose...

tress. Paul began to lose excessive amounts of blood and was rushed to the hospital by his mother Rachel Polinski. After their arrival at the hospital, Rachel began to lose her composure with Paul. Her assumption that somebody from his high school upset Paul was indeed correct; however Paul did not discuss his ex-lover to his mother. Rachel: Who made you do this? Paul: Nobody. Rachel: Oh. Nobody right? Well, why did you cut yourself ? Paul: I don’t know. Rachel: I see. So, you decided `Let me cut my arm for there is no reason.’ Paul: There was too a reason. Rachel: Then tell me. Paul: I…. I can’t Rachel: Well, I tell you what. If I ever see some stupid shit like this again, I’ll make sure to cut you my damn self. Do you hear me? Paul: Yes. Rachel: Now, hold the pressure. Imma go see what’s taking so damn long. Paul knew that, out of all people, he couldn’t tell his mother that he was in a gay relationship. Moreover, he knew that eventually she was going to find out in the future some-

how. Paul felt that his mother had ESP. She always had a way of putting logic together. Although she was a high school drop out, her speech was extremely professional and with poise. Rachel was not an idiot at all; in fact, she was a supervisor for the local gas company. As any parent, she only wanted the best for her son. Paul’s stubbornness allowed him to think that she was only attacking him. Rachel suffered with cancer and hid it from Paul. This explained why she was extremely hard on him. She wanted to see him succeed before she passed away. RN: Miss. Please set down and the doctor will be with you in a moment. Rachel: Look. My son sliced his wrist and is practically bleeding to death and you’re telling me to wait? RN: I understand your concern……….. Rachel: Really, you understand? If so, get me a damn doctor. RN: There’s no need for that kind of language. Rachel: First of all, I don’t see your kid suffering for his or her life. Secondly, I know your fat ass can do something besides telling me to set

down and wait. I know you didn’t go to school to tell me that. Now, I ask once again, Where is the doctor? RN: He’s busy, as I said. Rachel: Then you do something! RN: He’s not my client. Rachel: Fuck you bitch. RN: I will have you escorted out. Rachel: Do it. I’m waiting. Doctor Zuffer: Paul Lander. Rachel: You are a lucky bitch. Come on, Paul. While walking to the door to where the doctor was, Paul collapsed and went into a coma. While in a coma, the doctor ordered for a blood transfusion. Paul was comatose for six weeks. to be continued....

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Blair & K.B.W interviewing Bree Larson, star of the Showtime series “The United States Of Tara”.

2009 VOICE AWARDS

AN EVENT HONORING THE EXCELLENCE OF PUBLIC FIGURES, DOCUMENTARIES, FILM & TELEVISION REPRESENTING MENTAL ILLNESS IN A POSITIVE LIGHT REPORTED BY KE ANDRÉ BELL-WASHINGTON & BLAIR WALKER

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LYDIA LAM

t was Wednesday October 14th, 2009 6:45 P.M. The rain had just stopped and a breeze set the outdoor stage. A foyer with a guest list, security, and a red carpet inside Paramont Studios greeted us. With quick identification, we were let in. We became part of the media. We were a bit too early to catch any public figures or celebrities. Fashionable lateness isn’t just a joke! Eventually one by one, they began to trickle into the lobby where we stood ready to report. We were fortunate enough to interview several people.

The first person interviewed was socialite & activist Michael Dean Shelton. He works with various organizations including AIDS Walk LA and others associated with crystal meth addiction, schizophrenia and LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender) youth. John Kevin Hines came next. Hines is famous for being 1 of only 29 survivors from an attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. His work includes a documentary about his mental illness, which won him a Consumer Leadership Award, as well as work with the Bridge Rail Foundation to raise a rail on GGB. When asked his feelings about being honored tonight, his

response was; “My heart is warm, and my soul is filled.” Mary Ellen Copeland’s warm, calm demeanor made those around her more at ease. She first experienced mental illness when her mother began to go through deep depression and mania when Copeland was only 8. Later in life, she would find herself diagnosed with a similar disorder. In 2005, she founded The Copeland Center For Wellness & Recovery. When asked about her feelings about being the recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award, she humbly answered; “It feels very nice being honored tonight.” Meeting an award-winning actor can be intimidating at first, but once one actually meets movie legend Richard Dreyfuss, that unnecessary anxiety just melts away. Since he has bipolar disorder himself, he can easily relate to those in the mental health community. When asked about his thoughts on the Voice Awards, he had this to say: “It shouldn’t be called the ‘Voice Awards’ because it reflects fear of mental illness. People with mental illness aren’t stupid children. They’re adults you can help.” If only more people in our culture had his compassion and wisdom. Next we in-

YOUR EVENTS! RESURRECTED!

(top): Richard Dreyfuss (left): John Kevin Hines & his wife

terviewed Bree Larson who plays Kate Grayson, the daughter of Tara Grayson (Toni Collete) in “The United States of Tara”. Ms. Larson had a mature presence about her despite only being 20 years old. When asked if she thought the stigma of mental illness will die down, she said that it’s, “Sad there are so many close-minded people.” However, she did add that, “There’s hope for a majority of people”. Though not presenting or receiving an award herself, Stephanie Jacobsen, a rising star from the “Melrose Place” remake, attended to support her friend and autistic siblings. She believes the

stigma of mental illness in Hollywood will continue to die down. “People’s preceptions are formed by the media. Mental illness is put out there without shame.” “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” star/rap icon Tracy “Ice T” Marrow and model/fashion designer Nicole “Coco” Austin also attended. When asked his inspiration for attendance, Ice T said a producer of the show was receiving an award but that he was, “Inspired by the humanitarian efforts of the ‘Voice Awards’.” We asked Coco if she thought how mental illness was portrayed in L&O:SVU. She felt as though it was positive. 39

release your inner strength

(clockwise from top right) Mary Ellen Copeland; Young Adult Leadership Award recipent T.J. Curtis, Consumer Leadership Award recipent Mark Davis & Copeland; Blair & K.B.W interviewing Coco; Copeland, Marion Bacon and SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) hosts A. Kathryn Power & Eric Broderick; Stephanie Jacobsen

The ceremony took place at 7:30 and lasted until 11. There were so many moving stories and people. Highlights include (but not limited too): Sen. Gordon Smith & wife Sharon Smith; Marion Bacon (a Consumer Leadership Award winner) who is currently active with NAMI & Tennessee Mental Health Consumers Association; Mark Davis; Isaiah Zagar & son Jeremiah Zagar; and 90210’s bipolar disorder storyline. After the ceremony, we went straight to

the after party for food, drInks, and serious networking. It was an inspiring and positive experience that made us feel optimistic about mental health’s changing standing in the media...and we can’t wait to do it again next year! We leave you with words of wisdom from the great Richard Dreyfuss: “The people that care are those that know what’s right, and are now in this crowded room. The uncrowded people are the ones that don’t care.”

YOUR EVENTS! RESURRECTED!

FOURTH ISSUE RELEASE PARTY SATURDAY JULY 18TH, 2009 SUMMARY BY K.B.W

his release party was different from the first three. It was in a different coffee house in a different city: The Talking Stick in Venice. That day was very sunny and had everyone in their best spirits. The theme of that issue was “Spiritual Mind, Meditative Soul” conceptualized by Nectar with the theme designed by Marcus White. From 4 to 7:30 P.M, it was a celebration of new beginnings, unity, talent ranging from spoken word, to freestyle, to acting; and last but never the least, those delicious chocolate chip cookies! (clockwise from top): Jules Perkins; “‘The Talking Stick” logo; K.B.W; Lucien Lee; Thomas Mountain

All photography on “The Fourth Issue Release Party” and “The Lilly Reintegration Awards” is by Dave Leon.

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LILLY REINTEGRATION AWARDS THURSDAY OCTOBER 15TH, 2009 SUMMARY BY DAVE LEON

arcus White was called to the stage of the grand ballroom at the top of a historic building in downtown Indianapolis. He was recognized for his personal achievement by the Lilly Reintegration Awards, an annual celebration of the strength & perseverance of people who have overcome the challenges of mental illness and contributed to their communities. This gala came at the end of 2 days of lectures and events that brought him into contact with artists & writers from all over the country, including documentarian Philip Brubaker, whose story about crickets appears in the “Our Art & Poetry Re-Released” section of this issue. It was a fine affair with an all-expenses paid trip to Indiana, a two night stay in a luxury hotel and lots of great food & great people. Marcus is a peer advocate at Daniel’s Place and a long-time active member of The Painted Brain. His art & poetry have graced the pages of the magazine since issue two and always entertaining emcee at our last two release parties. He now serves on the advisory board for the Painted Brain and continues to bring good people together & help them stay together. We celebrate both. We celebrate Marcus White’s achievement and his inspirational presence within our growing community. Congratulations Marcus, you deserve it!

YOUR EVENTS! RESURRECTED!

CAN YOU “SPARE SOME CHANGE” ? WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 11TH, 2009 SUMMARY BY BLAIR Photography: (above & below) K.B.W; (bottom) Blair

(above [left to right)): Matt Lord, Blair, Dave, Erica Siegal; (below): a chandelier inside the El Rey Theater

eld at the El Rey theater in Los Angeles honoring and supporting a very insightful, rousing documentary called “Spare Some Change”. It followed a group of homeless youth from Venice trying to make their way in a rough and tumble world, as well as startling facts and figures regarding young people living the street life. The atmosphere had a nightclub feel to it, thanks to the low lighting and electronica music playing in the background. The turnout was huge. Several groups and organizations came to support including the clothing company SYC FUK, an incredible dance team that blew the crowds away, an auction to raise money, and an art demonstration to stir one’s creativity. One of the individuals there to offer their support was Lucky Romero, celebrity assistant to Gene Simmons. When asked how he felt about “Spare Some Change” and the end result of the film’s release, he said he thought it would result in awareness with homeless youth and that the public needs to be “aware of the dangers and people involved to help change what’s going on”. Lucky went on to express further concern and added “It’s sad it’s happening to young people, especially in tourist cities. It’s a huge problem”. Another group of individuals that shared Lucky’s philanthropic concern were two of the models from SYC FUK named Miranda and Meena. They hoped that the documentary would bring awareness to this important issue and felt that they could relate to the stress and struggles the youth in the film persevere through. “It’s very relatable”. Miranda said, “We’ve all been through different levels of stress out here”.

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VENICE MOZAIC: ART. MUSIC. POETRY. FRIDAY NOVEMBER 20TH, 2009 SUMMARY BY K.B.W

his event is held every Friday at The Talking Stick at 7 P.M. sharp. The only difference that night was that The Painted Brain staff made a field trip out of it. They invited everyone from Daniel’s Place, and around LA to show up that night. More than plenty of diverse and multifaceted performers, the night was long. There were a couple of us who performed on stage (left: yours truly performing his poem “Who Are Your True Friends?”; right: Jules performing a rap). Many of us freestyled outside with other musicians feeding off one another, while Abraham Garza (top picture) played his guitar. With this, The Talking Stick is currently home to the majority of Painted Brain parties.

All photography on the “Venice MoZaic” is by Dave

YOUR EVENTS! RESURRECTED!

FIFTH ISSUE RELEASE PARTY SUNDAY FEBURARY 14TH, 2010 SUMMARY BY K.B.W

n this specific day, everyone in America (if not the world) celebrated love and affection that is Valentine’s Day. For us painted brainers however, we celebrated talent, unity and of course, our magazine. Hosted by Marcus White (top picture) for the third consecutive time, this release party was going to be in our history books; as issue five was at the time our largest and most elaborate issue. The theme was “Release Your Inner Strength”, conceptualized by yours truly with its design by Larry Rozner. The concept of RYIS was about self-discovery, independence from restriction & secrecy, and most of all, sharing it with the community; which we all did that sunny but cool Sunday afternoon. Highlights include (but not limited to): yours truly (bottom left) performing “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, followed by the theme poem (written by yours truly of course!); Thomas Mountain (bottom center) performing twice: The first time performing a freestyle. The second singing in an off-key (but charmingly and attention-grabbing) pitch; Jules Perkins’ premiere of his first hip-hop video; Lucien Lee giving a powerful testimony about his continuing perseverance & then upcoming trip to China; and everyone watching the video for “Inner Beauty Style & Fashion”, made by Elan Shukartsi. Another special highlight was diving into cookie and brownie galore. Valentine’s Day never felt and taste so good at the same time. Pictured below left to right: K.B.W., Thomas Mountain, Jenna Rodman and Dave Leon.

release your inner strength

Photography by Robbi Rabei

We All Deserve Hope: An Interview with Elyn R. Saks by Jenna Rodman

I have just finished interviewing Elyn Saks, a chaired

professor of law and psychiatry, an advanced candidate at a psychoanalytic training institute, and an author of three books and over thirty scholarly articles. She graduated valedictorian of Vanderbilt University, was named a Marshall scholar and studied at Oxford, and received her degree with honors from Yale Law School. She was named an endowed chair on a prestigious law faculty at the University of Southern California Gould School of Law, at an unusually early point in her career. Elyn Saks is currently working on a study of high functioning people with schizophrenia and the techniques they employ to cope with their symptoms.

I was nervous. I practiced acting professional for days before the interview. While it was an interview with someone who identifies herself as schizophrenic, I still didn’t want to come off acting like a nut. As it turns out Elyn Saks is a lovely person. She is friendly and down to earth

and more open minded than most. She put me at ease. I walked into the USC law department. This, folks, is the academic ivory tower of myth. The lounge was a semicircle of rich luxurious surroundings--plush couches, large tables, long windows and columns. The balcony looked out across the campus and the wind blew gently. The sodas in the vending machines were free. I just pushed the club soda button and out rolled a chilled and carbonated drink. How excellent. Our interview did not take place in the lounge; it did not take place in Elyn’s office either. The Painted Brain crew and I knocked on her door, she answered, and emerged from behind closed doors wearing a soft brown blazer, black pants, and sensible shoes. This is a sensible woman. I peeked inside her office. It’s almost messier than my room, she doesn’t have all the clothes that I have on the floor but she has piles of paper on every surface and the floor. The intensity of her personality manifested. We moved to another room to do the interview. The office had pictures of monks and Jerusalem on the walls. It was a sanctuary of sorts. She asked the first questions. Where did I go to school? I hesitated: UCLA. Why the hesitation? She asked. Well the whole UCLA vs. USC rivalry. We laughed and began the interview.

PERSONAL STRENGTH STORIES Elyn— My message is there is hope; we need to give people resources so they can go to school, have work, lovers, and friends. Have a happy life. It is easy to give up hope when faced with a mental illness, but it is essential not to. I agree with Elyn, we all deserve happiness, the pursuit of it. The subtext to this interview is finding ways to cope. Find many ways. Don’t give up on the intense experimentation it takes. Hope paired with determination and action. Work at life. Not that this is so straightforward, but it can be. Elyn— What are your symptoms, Jenna? Jenna—If I could sum them up in one word it would be fear. Elyn—Terror is the core of psychosis for me. Psychosis and depression is fear. It is hard for me to hold myself together in fear, anger, hate, and helplessness. In psychosis nothing is rooted in irrefutable truth or reason, a bang of light, a sharp taste, the smell of red, humming. Waves of fear. Thoughts of violence against me. When I got sick, when my childhood and teenage strangeness and isolation became acute enough to be treated, I put my well being into the hands of professionals. I absconded from reality and responsibility. I was selfdestructive. I did not want to live in the consensus reality. The one we all share. The reality we agree on so that we can be plural, societal, and not disconnected individuals. I was sick until I decided I wanted to be here. That I wanted to live in this reality, that I wanted to build connections, build networks, learn, explore, laugh at amusements that others could share. Until I decided to take life as a gift, as an opportunity, I was always looking for a way out. My body and who I am has an expiration date and I know when that date comes it will be time to leave. Between now and the unknown, life is what I make of it. I need to learn to cope. I need to find ways to make life not so scary and to manage my symptoms. It took me eight years and numerous hospitalizations to learn that. Elyn Saks on the other hand, persevered. Jenna— After reading your autobiography I was struck by the consistency of your dedication to participate in this world. How did you cope with such a demanding academic career and manage to hold on to a lot of autonomy in the shadow of an intensifying illness? How did you learn to cope along the way? Elyn— My work is incredibly therapeutic for me, when I work my symptoms recede into the background. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, a “grave” diagnosis. People told me to be a cashier; I think that would be terribly stressful for me. I found work, instead, that is a source of strength and not stress. With my diagnosis I was expected to be institutionalized, I wasn’t supposed to be able to cope normally.

Jenna--How did you not buy into the diagnosis/ prognosis that you were given? Elyn--Well for one I was stubborn—well screw you. Jenna—How else do you manage? Elyn—I work hard at my job. I use social judgment to maintain a professional demeanor. If I have thoughts that are inappropriate I don’t voice them, if I must, I go home. It has helped me navigate professionally. People also have different strengths; another one of mine is that I’ve always had good friends (she is personable, friendly, warm; this is not hard to imagine). I do not function in a vacuum; I have supportive family, friends, husband and a supportive workplace, all of which has allowed me to put my life back together again after it has fallen apart. It is devastating when the symptoms of one’s illness take over. Each time I fell apart, in the early stages of my illness, it broke my heart, my will. I watched the waves rise from the ocean as a child as they destroyed the sandcastles I had built, returning them to lumps of sand. I do not recommend rebuilding with sand. A better way to rebuild is through community, with the people that gather around you to provide love and support. Sometimes, in the thick of my illness I could not feel the love of my family or friends. I thought their professed dedication was a cheap trick. If I start thinking this way now, I take for granted that it is a wrong thought. The people in my life have proven themselves trustworthy. Jenna—In your life and in your work how do you prevent the recreation of coercion in the field of mental health? Elyn-- I’m not an advocate [in that field] —I am a scholar. I think about things the way they are and the way they

release your inner strength

should be. The way I help is with my writing. In law school I wrote an article on mechanical restraints that was later used to bring lawsuits to prevent the use of them.

again intends to be. I have not been hospitalized for some time and I intend also, to avoid it at all costs. It was not a pleasant experience for me.

Elyn— I want to talk for a minute about hospitals. In American hospitals I was put in restraints for up to 20 hours at a time, they watched me take showers. Forced medication. It was traumatic. I prefer the hands off approach of British hospitals, they are less coercive. It was a nightmare here in America; it made me stay away from hospitals. Which is a good thing. We have a long way to go in making hospitals benign or restorative in any way.

Jenna—I notice a skill you have is being able to remove yourself from situations and see all sides objectively. To step back, and say this is what I’m experiencing, this is what they are experiencing; my reality will not go over well. You are able to objectify the situation instead of be in the moment.

Elyn has not been hospitalized in a long time and never

Elyn—Yes, it’s the psychoanalytic concept of the observant ego. A great observant ego, one I am getting better at, is to observe this is an illness acting up. A good one would be,

PERSONAL STRENGTH STORIES this isn’t an illness, but people will think it is and so I will keep my thoughts to myself. Jenna-- When you dismiss your symptoms as “this is just my illness”, do you feel it is dismissive of who you are in any way, or are you able to separate your illness from who you are?

mentally ill people. It is hard to accept myself, be comfortable with myself when society is telling you what you have is uncomfortable and you are experiencing symptoms that are uncomfortable. And to be able to deal with that is maybe something where other people don’t have to develop that same kind of rootedness. Does that ring true with you?

Elyn—No, I believe [schizophrenia] is a medical disease that supervenes on your personhood. My view, and there are others, is accepting that I have a mental illness that is a medical condition that needs therapy and medication, and it makes my life better. I’m happier and freer. For others, thinking of mental illness as an alternative way of being works for them. And all the more power to people for finding what works best for them.

Elyn—Well, I think that I am more tolerant. But my old analyst says I have a republican superego when it comes to others with mental illness. It is partly because of what they are told, but I think people give up too soon.

Jenna—My friend had up on her facebook page for a long time under her heroes as anyone who makes it through the day. I held that close to my heart for a long time. I still do in many ways. Dignity matters too.

Elyn—I am also in a cancer support group. One of the ideas I learned there was Patient Activism, it applies to mental health services. Learn about your illness, and then learn about your own illness, how it manifests in you, your own warning signs, how to avert a relapse. Get support [from] friends, family, and doctors. Find a work situation that makes you feel comfortable. Don’t loose hope; there is life after illness.

Jenna—Is there any benefit to your illness, any benefit to the extraordinary experiences you’ve had that are outside other people’s realities. Have they made you someone who has better skills, or beliefs, or morals, developed from having to cope with your symptoms? Elyn-- (sigh) No I think it’s all bad. Although it helps you think outside the box, when you loose reality it helps you entertain philosophical positions that other people wouldn’t. The bad far outweighs the good for me. For you? Jenna-- I wasn’t a stubborn person, like you. I always had self doubt, low self esteem, no vision of who I was, and I felt that my struggle through institutionalization, through people telling me what to be, which did not work at all, I had to find myself and define myself in a much stronger way than I would have had to without mental illness in the picture. To know who I was, to be able to fight what I needed to fight I need a strong core. I don’t have the choice of whether or not I have symptoms, but rather a choice of how to cope with the symptoms. I want to emphasize, in my life, the moments when I don’t have disabling symptoms. Also, I am more open-minded. I am not afraid of

Jenna— I agree, I wish there were a better message. People give up too soon. Do you have a message to give our Painted Brain readers?

Jenna--I think coping is the wave of the future. Elyn-- I agree. After the interview I sat stunned. There were questions I wanted to ask but didn’t think of soon enough. I was amazed never the less. My conversation with Elyn left me with the feeling that we can learn from each other. We can look for support among each other, for friendship and experience to navigate what can be painful and tricky and lonesome. We are not alone. We are not helpless, and there is hope.

from left to right: photographer Robbi Rabei, driver Dave Leon, interviewer Jenna Rodman, sketch artist Amer Azad

release your inner strength L.L: Thank you. I’m getting all of my benefits together and (the) next plan [is] to move out of my parent’s house. (I’m) starting my life again. Hopefully, it gets easier and easier as I get older and um, that’s it. K.B.W: Alright. You did some service in the army. What inspired you to join the army at this time of all times?

Lucien Lee: A Work In Progress Interviewed by Ke André Bell-Washington

It was Saturday December 19th, 2009, 1:43 P.M. The sun was

up, but it was windy and extremely cold. I was already at least 13 minutes late to conduct a candid interview, and I would have made it on time; except I was fighting off a bad cold. As I’m walking up the stairs toward our temporary office in MacArthur Park, I notice editor-in-chief Dave Leon, followed by new painted brainer Justin Donaghho, and Lucien Kahn Lee; the 25-year old army vet who is a current member at Daniel’s Place in Santa Monica, California. It turns out he also has a cold. I haven’t seen him in over 4 months, so before we would officially start, I wanted to chat with him, since we were merely acquaintances. Because he was under the weather, he was somewhat in a somber mood. I would have been easily annoyed by this if I wasn’t in his shoes...but I was. If anything, I was worse off than he was. After the chat, we warmed up to one another. By the end of the interview, not only did I know so much more about him, but that he has an enormous amount of inner strength. After you finish reading the following, you will second that motion. Ke André Bell-Washington: Alright Lucien! We’re meeting once again! How’s life going for you? [It] sounds like you have a cold. Lucien Lee: Yeah, I have a cold. Besides that life is doing good. I just turned 25.

K.B.W: Happy birthday.

L.L: Well, my parents were getting a divorce, and i(t) brought a lot of trauma to me. I was 18 years old and I didn’t know what to do with my life; because I thought my life was over, and my parents were getting a divorce; my home was broken and um, I thought at the time was a great idea to sign up for the military.

K.B.W: How was your experience? L.L: Um, it was good and bad. Basic training was nine weeks. There were three phases: white, yellow and red. I just didn’t know anything about the military and...I was the 1st generation in my famiily to enlist in the military. K.B.W: That’s quite an accomplishment. L.L: Yeah. Lucien described every detail in his daily regimen during the military... and the way he describes it sounds unpleasant to say the least. He would later regret enlisting as he would call it, “Their brainwashing system”. K.B.W: Do you think that’s the reason you were diagnosed with a mental illness? L.L: Um, I think that’s one of the reasons; because when you are brainwashed to kill someone, it could make a split personality of you. Basically I had a mutiple personality problem. I couldn’t tell whether I was myself, or a killing machine...and they found out I had a mental illness. The army found out about his illness because he would go to the chapel dozens of times (fifty-six to be exact), and confessed how depressed he was. He was later diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, a disorder that affects one’s cognition (process of thought) and emotions, which could lead to lack of motivation and behavioral problems. K.B.W: When were you diagnosed Schizoaffective? L.L: 2005.

PERSONAL STRENGTH STORIES K.B.W: How did your parents react to this?

K.B.W: Does it help?

L.L: Like...they could literally see my mental illness taking over me.

L.L: Um, I think it does. Writing is very therapeutic. I do recommend if you’re in the military, and if you’re serving overseas in Iraq or whatever, you should write...because what soldiers and marines go through; and you know they go through a lot of stress...because they are either killing someone; they go into combat; they’re being shot at; they see they’re buddies die, or they get blown up.

This period in his life would be his worse. He ran away from home, spent all of his money; only to have his father find him, and later on kick him out of the house. He was homeless and lived in Venice Beach for months during the winter time. L.L: I was starving. I was trying to do whatever I can to get food. To get marijuana. To get alcohol. Anything that could just take me away from the reality I was in. You know, basically what end up happening was I was making my own reality. Even though he did not go to combat, he still suffered from PostTraumatic Stress Disorder. Ironically, because of his mental illness he is still alive. He was honorably discharged months before his unit, 1st Armored Division, would be deployed to Iraq. Many were his close friends. He hasn’t seen or heard from them since. Later in the interview, he revealed he was sober from alcohol for 3 months.

K.B.W: Where do you see yourself in 10 years? L.L: In 10 years I see myself very content, very happy. Probably living on my own, and having an easier life. K.B.W: Lucien thank you very much for this interview. I hope your cold goes away. L.L: I hope it does too.

K.B.W: Do you take any medicines as of now?

L.L: Yes. I take an antipsychotic, which is Abilify. It seems to be working. I’m actually more stable taking meds than not taking meds. K.B.W: You made your debut on the last issue of The Painted Brain magazine by writing a couple of poems. L.L: Yeah I did.

Smokey the Female Cat by N.B.E.I.C Some things change and some stay the same. Sadly T.A.F, the original writer of the “Smokey The Cat” stories (the longest running Painted Brain feature) has moved on in the world but assures us that Smokey is doing just fine. But there’s a little bit of Smokey The Cat in all of us and Smokey lives on in infamy. Share your “Smokey The Cat” story in future issues of The Painted Brain. My Smokey is a girl Smokey. She’s lived all over the country but has spent the majority of her life in Los Angeles. After an unfortunate boating accident (or something, the truth will never truly be known), Smokey lost about half of her tail. Her tail stump was itchy for the first year but now she waves it like it was meant to be that length. Smokey recently had a visit from Sigird, a younger male cat whose owners left town for a week. Smokey is, shall we say, not the most gracious of hosts. She snuck up on Sig and pounced on him several times. Smokey does not like to share her space. She spent hours just staring down the intruder. Eventually, détente was attained and a brief peace reigned in the land of Smokey, until it was time for Sigird to return from whence he came. Smokey sighed a big purr of relief and got back to the business of whining and eating tuna fish. The end for now. 51

release your inner strength I wanted to be an actor since perhaps I started talking. I was 3 years old, and since I was the youngest in my family at the time, I had virtually all of the attention on me. I was their shining star! All except one. If you read my life story in the last issue, you already know who I’m talking about. My birth mother, Antoinette. She was attending college fulltime and had a part-time job, therefore she had no time for me. She would later drop out of college, yet still refused to make time. I was being ignored and I didn’t know how to handle it.

Ke André Bell-Washington’s Making It Happen Volume 1: A New Day Is Calling!* *This reprinted article is the true representation of “Ke André

Bell-Washington’s Making It Happen Volume 1: A New Day Is Calling!”

he first volume of “Making It Happen” is dedicated to all of the underdogs who have been told what they can never do in life! THIS IS FOR ALL OF US! To start this off, I want to clarify that this is not, I repeat THIS IS NOT THE OFFICIAL SEQUEL TO MY LIFE STORY “WOUNDED BUT NEVER BROKEN”! It is way too soon...and there is so much more to my life than a 7 page article. For example, my passion to perform on stage and screen. I mention it on part 6 of “Wounded...” titled “I’m Ready For My Close-Up!”; though that only touched the surface. This time, I will reach deep into the nerve; explore why has my #1 passion on Earth suddenly derailed, and why is yours truly; after being an aspiring actor for over 8 years, is still yet to be discovered. Named after and greatly influenced by the 1992 inspirational dance hit “Make It Happen” by Mariah Carey; I am Ke André Tryi Bell-Washington...and this is the creation of “Making It Happen”.

For the next 14 years, I would release my hurt and pain by doing the most destructive things to myself (with the exception of keeping of journal to write poetry, until Antoinette found it and read it). Yet I still wanted to be an actor. I never told anyone in my family during this period, because I knew I would be laughed at and picked apart. Since their were several first & second cousins...and eventually my two sisters Ashley & Brittney who would be born in the years to come, not only I was no longer their “shining star”, I became the black sheep. They all would say the most despicable & demoralizing things about me in front of my face, and behind my back. From my physical appearance (weight, facial features, store brand clothing), to not being the stereotypical black male that is often portrayed in the media, to lying to them about running several miles to lose weight (truth is I ran away from home at 11 years old just to get away from them). There were so many nights during my childhood when I would cry myself to sleep, wishing I could be someone else. Someone who everyone would respect and love. I knew in the end, my blood relatives were never going to accept me for who I am, instead of who they think I should be. I was tired of feeling alone and I knew there were many teens, who like me wanted to be performers. So for the next 7 years, I would enroll in dozens of classes at West Los Angeles College and Los Angeles Pierce College. My intention was never to stay in community college that long. I wanted to find myself, better my craft, and even perhaps build friendships too. I would go on to be in several college and community productions. I also would at times fail at my auditions...and fail miserably. At the end of my college stints, I have learned that college theater departments are Hollywood, the corporate world, and high school rolled into one. They have cliques, popularity is well worshiped, everyone looks out for only themselves, style is valued over substance; and one wrong move you made, you committed social suicide. I could speak to anyone and they all would be friendly to me, but was I good friends with any of them? HELL NO! If anything, many of them would talk trash behind my back. The inner circle at Pierce is very exclusive and very narrow minded, so I “retired” from college theater for good on

PERSONAL STRENGTH STORIES Friday October 23rd, 2009...without a single regret. Earlier that year, I enrolled at the JoAnn Baron-D.W Brown studio to not only work on my acting technique, but to work on my self-esteem, as well as have a sense of self. I wanted to enter there an amateur, and leave there both a graduate & a professional. It was also during this time my personal demons were getting the best of me. My eating disorder was getting worse, to the point that it was starting to damage my skin; and a great friend I had abruptly cut me off from his life without any good reason (I would later find out he was hiding his sexual attraction to me). I wanted to stay in the studio, but times were getting more difficult both emotionally as well as financially. When I was rushed to the hospital for overdosing on over 200 laxatives, as well as falling short of paying for next month’s tuition, I had no choice but to leave the Baron-Brown studio. My last day was on Sunday April 26th. I took some time off to soul search, reflect on why things happened, and why they were still happening. I also foolishly got into a brief romance with the same friend. Not only did it end, it ended bitterly. My heart was crushed. I honestly thought he had feelings for me as I was having for him. This would be what is known as, “The straw that broke the camel’s back”. I’d emotionally and mentally shut down. So deep that it negatively affect my performances. I was starting to believe my dream was going to end before it even begins. I knew I had to do something about this fast, before I reach a withdrawn and antisocial state of mind to the point of no return.

Rodman took the time to do a favor for yours truly; knowing that they didn’t have to, but that they wanted to. These 2 women are multifaceted artists that can turn everything & anything into authentic masterwork, and I am both eternally grateful & honored to be an “art piece”. I have accomplished way too much to turn back & start over, and I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I BECOME A HOUSEHOLD NAME IN AMERICA & OVERSEAS! YES I AM STILL HERE! YES I AM STILL THAT OUT AND PROUD GAY BLACK AMERICAN MAN REPRESENTING! I AM STILL WOUNDED BUT NEVER BROKEN ...but this time, I AM NOW MAKING IT HAPPEN! This article marks Ke André Bell-Washington’s sophomore effort writing a story about his life, the first being “Wounded But Never Broken” in issue four. The following issue (six) will feature a continuation of this anthology series officially titled...”Ke André Bell-Washington’s Making It Happen Volume 2”, with it’s new subtitle “Light & Darkness”. “Release Your Inner Strength” marks Ke André Bell-Washington’s debut as both associate editor and creative director for The Painted Brain.

On Monday August 3rd, I showed up to AIDA (Australian Institute Of The Dramatic Arts) to have a 1-on-1 orientation/audition with its artistic director Paul Parker. He is a firecracker to say the least. He flat out told me I lacked strength, and that he was going to work with me to build that strength, both as an actor & a man. His comments would sink in on Tuesday August 18th, when I terminated my services at Daniel’s Place. So many years I suffered with the lies, the backstabbing, the rejection, and the heartache that comes with it. I have made a permanent decision in my head, heart, and soul; TO MAKE THAT DAY THE DAY I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I started to write a poem, and for the first time in over 10 years, I would complete it. The title of that poem would eventually become this issue’s theme. I want to finish the first volume on a positive note by letting you all know I’m now a full-time student at AIDA taking 2-3 classes a week, each class at least 3 hours long, 4 weeks a month. Hopefully if things run smoothly, I should expect to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in theater arts in September 2012. A year and a half ago, I took professional headshots with renowned photographer Kevyn Major Howard. They represent my true individuality and essence. I figured it would be hella cool if some of my fellow painted brainers could recreate the headshots through their style of art. In this article, Blair Walker and Jenna

Our friends at the Association of Community Human Services Agencies (ACHSA) have compiled a list of LA County mental health services specifically targeting young adults. If you need help, contact an agency in your area.

Community Family Guidance Center 10929 South St. #208B Cerritos, CA 90703 (562) 865-6444 Didi Hirsch 4760 S. Sepulveda Blvd. Culver City, CA 90230 (310) 390-6612 Hathaway-Sycamores 210 S. DeLacey Pasadena, CA 91104 (626) 844-1677 Hillview Mental Health Center 12450 Van Nuys Blvd. Ste. 200 Pacoima, CA 91331 (818) 896-1161 ex. 211 Hillsides 940 Avenue 64 Pasadena, California 91105 (323) 254-2274 ext 466 L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center 1625 N. Schrader Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90028 (323) 860-2280 Leroy Haynes Center 233 W. Baseline Rd. La Verne, CA 91750

(909)593-2581 Pacific Clinics 800 S. Santa Anita Ave. Arcadia, CA 91106 (626) 254-5000 Penny Lane Centers 15305 Rayen Street North Hills, CA 91343 (818) 892-3423 Prototypes I-CAN Pomona 1890 N. Garey Ave. Pomona, CA 91787 (909) 629-2400 San Fernando Valley Community Mental Health Center Inc. 6842 Ventura Blvd. Van Nuys, CA 91405 (818) 901-4830

Aviva Family Services 8580 Wilshire Blvd. 8th Floor Los Angeles, CA 90010 (213) 637-5000 x 710

get involved: thepaintedbrain.org thepaintedbrain@gmail (310) 691-4269

Step Up on Second – ACT FSP TAY Program 1328 Second St. Santa Monica, CA 90401 (310) 394-6889 x 24 Step Up on Second – Daniel’s Place 1619 Santa Monica Blvd. Santa Monica, CA 90404 (310) 392-5855 Tay Academy 2025 E 7th St. Long Beach, CA (562) 284-0108

While in Indiana, Marcus and Dave met the innovative and super cool social workers Liz and Mike (not pictured) who started trueacceptance.com, an international online dating community website for people with mental illness. Check ‘em out.

This has been release your inner strength...but we’ll be back November 13th, 2010 to continue celebrating our 5 year anniversary with the release of issue six, and it’s official theme “Escapism”! Now that we all played this “priceless but undervalued game” again, and still won by a landslide; will you do the same for yourself? Thank you, we love you: Kari Storch, Buffalo Exchange, Elan Shukartsi, Carol Waldo and Ralph, Diana Ligon, Cooper Reynolds Gross, The Avalon Apartments, Moe-Life Foundation, The Talking Stick, The Unurban Cafe, Daniel’s Place, TAY Academy, Karen Lee, STAY/Providence, Catherine Broger, Catherine Bond, Gail Tapp, Eduardo Vega, Anna Perne, Laurette Hayden, Maurnie Edwards, LA Harbor College, The MHSA Workforce Education and Training Administration, The Lilly Reintegration Awards, R.F. Binder, Community Partners, Jill at Create Now, My Friend’s Place, Caron Post, David Bryan, The Novel Cafe, Michael Williams, Nikita Gupta, Denise Philibert, Common Ground, Linda Shestock, Megan Backer, Emily James, Elyn Saks, Toby Hur, Lucky Romero, The Staff at the Voice Awards and at Spare Some Change, and everyone else who has allowed us in and taken care of us.