Fractured Issue 1

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Fractured / happiness mania

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Fractured issue one happiness/mania

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thisreal? real? sisthis

Fractured / happiness mania

The following discusses suicide, mental illness and subjects that may be triggering for some. The following is based on a secondhand experience with bipolar disorder through the condition of my parent. The discussions of mental illness are not intended to generalize bipolar disorder.

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When I first found out it was shock, disbelief – I asked my self, is this real.

Every day after felt like a nightmare and that I would suddenly wake up and she would be right there next to me holding my hand again. It was real though. On December 1st, 2019 I got a call from my brother. He said, “are you sitting down?”– yeah, what’s going on? “mom is gone” my stomach sank. Wait, what?

Like in the hospital? “No she’s dead, she’s gone.” That is what I remember of the worst moment of my life. You just keep repeating “NO NO NO, this isn’t happening” and disassociate. But it did happen, my mom committed suicide.

I initially thought she was in the hospital because I would often get a call, saying that she was. My mom, T-Jay, was bi-polar and struggled with various areas of her mental and physical health.

So, it wasn’t uncommon to be notified of her most recent stay in the hospital.

Naturally my reaction was “She will be ok, she’s just sick. She will get better.”

This was not the case. Understanding death is complex, grief is complex. I would say that it is even more complicated in situations of sudden loss. With sudden loss and suicide, you don’t get to say goodbye. Specifically, in the case of death by suicide, relationships are

often left in a fractured state. There is this feeling that eventually things can be healed with the passing of time. But when they are gone the fracture is permanent, the healing now has to be done alone. This zine is intended to shed light on topics that are not discussed openly in American culture. Mental illness, loss by suicide and death are taboo subjects, only meant to be discussed with your therapist. Why should we feel shame for discussing these topics? Is it because they make people emotional?

There is power and strength in discussing grief and loss, mental illness and emotions. My mom was bipolar, something that admittedly I looked at negatively, her whole life. I always thought of her as ‘bipolar’ and rarely as a loving, compassionate, bright person. I tired to understand why she would do certain things, I’d ask myself, was this the illness or was this her choice? The truth was that she was always influenced by her condition. It was never fair for me to villainize her for it. Our relationship was complex, often fractured and the grief continues to be complex. This issue is about happiness and mania. This is an expression to remember the good and the bad, the fun and the painful.

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Fractured / happiness mania

Mania Mania

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If you are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, it is characterized as a chemical imbalance of the brain, also known as manic depression. With bipolar, one experiences differing levels of mania and depression and is categorized into Bipolar I and Bipolar II. Type one has more cases of manic episodes and type II has hypomania with more depressive episodes. My mom had Bipolar I with rapid cycling, meaning she experienced more than four manic and depressive episodes a year. A state of mania is characterized by rapid thoughts, a heightened state of being (feeling euphoric or high), insomnia, fast talking, poor judgment associated with indulgent behavior and irritability. In totality, bipolar offers the affected person two extreme mental states, high highs and low lows. It can be controlled with psychiatric medications and psychotherapy but there is no fix or cure.

mom explained the specifics of bipolar disorder with me by drawing diagrams on my white board easel. I remember she would often have detailed lessons about her mental illness and religion (which were probably fueled by her, then, state of mania.) We grew up in a mormon family but my mom was always the black sheep. As a teen she actively resisted church activities and later admitted that she never really believed. It think she re-visited the religion in her manic state because it had a lot of influence on her as a child, there was so much guilt tripping involved.

It was difficult to comprehend at age six and, honestly, my whole life I struggled to understand the ins and outs of her condition. Once when discussing it, she told me she prefers the manic episodes; that it felt amazing and that she was invincible. This is all fun until the high returns to a normal level and the consequences of I learned about my mom’s disorder at the decisions made during an episode, a young age. As soon as 6 years old my come to fruition. The problem with

mania is that it can impair judgement.

Those who experience mania can engage in drug and alcohol binges and general reckless behavior. Manic behavior can cause a domino effect and unintentionally distress loved ones. When T-Jay was first diagnosed she was 21, it was just after she had my middle brother. I don’t directly remember the events that led up to my mom’s first hospitalization, but I do remember that she was experiencing hallucinations. It was frightening to witness my mother in this state at such a young age. I vividly remember one instance of this. We were coming home from the store and our apart-

ment was normally illuminated by an overhead light. This time when we returned home our light was flickering, my mom insisted that we could not enter our apartment because the ‘spirits’ were inside (indicated by the flickering light). Mania can also be accompanied by psychosis which includes hallucinations, jumbled speech, paranoia and a diversion from reality.

I only ever witnessed this severity of mania, once or twice in childhood. The first hospitalization in 2002, eventually lead to a diagnosis and medication for my mom.

Euphoria Restlessness Euphoria Restlessne Elation PaParanoia ranoia Elation Impulsive Energetic Impulsive 7

Fractured / happiness mania

Although mania can be characterized as negative, those who experience it don’t necessarily believe that it’s a bad thing. Many famous creatives, artists, writers, and actors have had or currently have bipolar disorder. Some historical greats who’ve had bipolar include Carrie Fisher, Winston Churchill, and Vincent Van Gogh. In this light, it’s assumed that mania can be beneficial to creativity. With the ability to stay up all night and have endless energy, an individual can accomplish a great amount.

In a recent talk given by Matt Vogl, it was noted that those with bipolar disorder use mania like a superpower.

In essence, society may not have had great writers, actors, artists and politicians without bipolar disorder. It is a paradox, bipolar disorder can be dangerous with its highs and lows, yet it allows more potential for creatives to harness power from.

early efforts of being a single mom to me and my brother, as a success of the physical symptom of mania.

I’m sure she wouldn’t have been able to work three jobs and provide for us like she did, without her superpower.

My mom worked hard in my early childhood to provide for us. It wasn’t until my pre-teen years that her illness got worse and she was no longer able to work.

I realize now that I stigmatized her illness and bipolar disorder in general for most of my life. My family didn’t always speak kindly about my mom, often villainizing her actions.

I realize, a lot of what happened was influenced by this powerful mental illness. Bipolar, including the mania and depression, were so inextricably connected to T-Jay’s identity and how I knew my mother. It was never fair that I stigmatized her whole being, because my mom was so much more than her illness.

T-Jay never used her mania to create masterpieces. But I do attribute the

“ Bipolar, including the Bipolar

mania and depression, mania depression were so inextricably connected to T-Jay' s identity and how I identity ” knew my mother. mother 8

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Fractured / happiness mania

Happiness Happiness I knew my mom to be manic and depressed. But I also knew T-Jay to be happy, energetic, and fun. As a kid, adolescent, and adult she was a troublemaker. My mom is one of six siblings, so she always had a partner in crime. I want to distill all of the happy memories that I have of T-Jay because with a loss of suicide it is so difficult to see through the darkness. This section is dedicated to all of the bright parts T-Jay’s personality.

If you asked anyone that knew my mom, they would say that her smile, laugh and spirit were the most memorable. My favorite memories are of times when we had laughing fits together, she had this contagious laugh.

She also had this sly, guilty smile and you could tell when she was lying.

When she was happy you could see, she would brighten up a room and make a bad day better. We had a lot of fun times and T-Jay was always the life of the party. My mom also made sure

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that all my friends knew that she was the cool mom. Although, I think as a teenager, nobody thinks their parent is objectively cool.

I remember that she always cheered me on and when she wasn’t depressed, she was optimistic and hopeful. Hopeful that her kids would have good lives and that we would have successful careers. Hopeful that her kids would take care of her when she grew old. She had my brother and I really young and she always joked that we would be in the same assisted living facility together when that day would come. We always tried to take care of each other. When my mom was too sick to get out of bed, I would lay with her as she sobbed. I would cook for Caiden, my brother, and clean the house. When I was out of the house, Caiden would take care of our baby brother, Brennan. So, there were a lot of un-happy moments, but we will never forget the brightness of her smile, laugh and spirit.

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Fractured / happiness mania

Trist en Tristen

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BrBrother other Kailee Kailee ter Caiden Caiden Sh ery l Sheryl SoSon n Norman Norman DaDad d MoMom m BaBarb rb Daughter Daughter

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T-Jay loved with her whole heart. If you were a friend, partner or family member, she gave you her all. She was very giving and made a lot of sacrifices for us kids, as many moms would. She loved her kids and made sure to tell us how proud she was. I can see her spirit the most in my brother, Brennan (left). He has her cheeky smile and bright blue eyes. My mom loved us all and we knew it, without a doubt.

Some of my happiest memories of her were when we would do road trips across the country. She had a hard time staying in one place so every 6-12 months we would move between Ontario, Canada and Colorado.

Many of those road trips were against my will, because I knew we would be right back in Colorado in a year. Even though I was sad to leave my home state, we made happy memories on the road. We would listen to the same few CD’s, shitty FM radio stations, and stories of my mom’s past.

Having a parent with a mental illness is more than you bargain for as a child.

I sometimes feel like I lost a lot of my childhood trying to fill the gaps that my mom’s illness left. Any relationship with mental illness can be straining, but we fight for our loved ones. You never stop loving a parent no matter what they did or at least it’s almost impossible to stop loving a parent.

It was times of happiness that gave me hope for my mother. I could see her doing well and just expect that trajectory to continue. That is not the reality of bipolar disorder, there are many waves and cycles of highs and lows. It’s deceiving, because one day it’s sunshine and rainbows and the next it’s hospital visits, psychiatric holds, and calls with bad news. If you know someone who is struggling with mental health, reach out, be there and give them the number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline

800-273-TALK (8255).

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Sister Blue Sister Fractured / happiness mania

by Jason DeWitt You took yourself before your time Yes, before your time to shine Now you shine, in the form of a star up above Looking down on us like the sun Your laugh, your smile Our memories for us all the while

I feel you Forever true Missing you

The choice you choose Made friends and family sad Only because they miss you

I will be Forever blue Bye my sister,

Yes, feeling blue But I am happy for you For your pain is erased

My love is all for you.

Now you can breathe Your spirit will guide us throughout this life

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You are in our hearts and dreams Although it seems like forever Before I can see you

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Written and Illustrated by Kailee Bye

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Fractured / happiness mania