Roar!

O AR! R

KING’S NEWS... KING’S ENTERTAINMENT...

JUNE 2011

FREE

SO THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS

SO LONG

FAREWELL AUF WIEDERSEHEN

GOODBYE 1

KING’S THINGS: page 4

NEWS: page 6

DR LOVE: page 14

SPORTS: page 28

MUSIC: page 26

JUNE 2011

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

Hunter S. Thompson (1939 - 2005)

Your editorial team

THIS MONTH IN

Natasha Wynarczyk (Editor - in - Chief) vpsme@kclsu.org Matt Quinton (Editor) roarkings@gmail.com Esther Beadle (Deputy Editor/Features/Layout) roarfeaturesection@gmail.com Michelle Liebst (Proofing Editor) roarproofing@gmail.com Shivan Davis (News) roar.news@gmail.com Aisha Gani (Comment) roarcomment@gmail.com Craig McEwan (Student Groups) roarstudents@gmail.com

Angharad Mead (Fashion and Lifestyle) roar.fashion@gmail.com Niharika Jain (Arts) arts.roar@gmail.com Rupert Gove (Film) roarnewspaperfilm@gmail.com Irina Buznea (Music) roarmusic@gmail.com Matt Abbott (Sport) roarpapersport@gmail.com

FEST SPECIAL

Features, page 16

MMM BOP: Hanson fans wait in line to see their floppy-haired idols at Tutu’s

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR Another year over, and what have you learned? Probably nothing about whatever you supposedly study, but that’s not the point. University isn’t really about your subject, it’s about making friends, finding hobbies and interests, and being able to persuade your parents to pay for you to live in London for three years. With exams out of the way, and months and months until you have to even think about doing any work, now’s the time to think about what you’re going to do differently next year. Do more studying? Join a society? Get out more? Convince people to stop calling you ‘The Peacemaker’?

There’s the opportunity to do any and all of these things (apart from shift the nickname, you’re stuck with that) so make sure that you do everything and anything you want to, and that your time at KCL delivers what you want - and isn’t just a massive cramming session. This is probably the best chance you’ll ever get to try everything you’re interested in doing, without people taking the piss out of you. Do you want to be that middle-aged bloke who has a mid-life crisis and suddenly takes up skateboarding? Best get on with it now then.

Have a good summer, play hard, but not too hard. Remember to enjoy yourself. You only get to be young once: a Third is a Third, but you can’t put a price on banter. And to all those who won’t be coming back - good luck!

IC1

Music reviews, page 26

KCL FIVES - WOOP!

Sports coverage, page 28

Safe,

Matt BURNING ISSUE: Performance enhancing drugs - yay or nay?

PAGE 10

VOICE OF ROAR! GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST ON PAGE 11

Get the latest online

VISIT WWW.KCLSU.ORG

NEEDS

Dab ha nd at d esign to the journa ? Aspiring w Whate lism ga r ve me and iter? Or are you. So r your interes you ju st wan t or exp , if you t to ge simply new ’r e studen t news e interested in rience, Roar h t involved? paper, a contac being part of s something t Matt fo KCL’s o nly offi r via em cial ail at gmail.c roarkin om gs@

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Fashion, page 21

I’d like to give enormous thanks to the entire Roar! team, and to the section editors, who have done an incredible job this year, easily making up for the fact that I am an absolute shambles. Special thanks too to Tash, who’s been amazing, and - especially - to Esther, who is responsible for turning each issue from a series of Word documents into a newspaper.You are a star.

DISCLAIMER: Roar is a product of KCLSU student media. The views expressed in this newspaper do not necessarily reflect those of KCLSU, its Trustees, employees or King’s College London.

ROAR

SUMMER ESSENTIALS

YOU!

MINI SUDOKU: MONTHLYPUZZLE WE DON’T REALLY HAVE ANY TENNERS LEFT TO GIVE, BUT IF WE DID THERE’D BE SOME SORT OF PRIZE HERE...

CONTACT US Email: MATT QUINTON, Editor roarkings gmail.com Write: Roar, KCLSU, Macadam Building, Surrey Street, London, WC2R 2NS

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RYAN GIGGS, 37, Salford

ing’s Things K

GOING UP

FINISHING ALL YOUR EXAMS: Wooo! Wooo! Let’s all get absolutely smashed!

NOT HAVING TO DO ANY MORE WORK ALL SUMMER: You may have been able to bang on about your ‘passion and enthusiasm’ enough to blag your way in, but there’s really only so much you want to know about atoms.

IT’S SUNNY: And it’s even nicer when you think about how dark it was inside the library. Horribly dark.

SIZES: Now the stress is over, we feel we can eat again! ______________________________ REALISING YOU’RE PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO SEE MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON YOUR COURSE AGAIN: (Third Years only) Goodbye seminar buddy!

I’ll always remember our nods of acknowledgement!

SLOUGH: I’d rather be on the beach ay Skegness, myself.

Note to self: always double-check what train you’re on

NEWS IN BOXERS: RYAN feels annoyed at the lack of affair treatment of people who take out super-injunctions.

“I can’t Imogen why people are interested in the private lives of normal, everyday, family-oriented folk like me. I love all my family, even my brother’s missus. We shouldn’t live in a Big Brother state.“ After he missed training, Giggs is rated 50/50 to play away on Saturday. Reports say he’s seeing a Welsh specialist to take care of his groin.

REGIONAL ACCENTS: It (supposedly) knocked wor Cheryl, Jan Moir (she of Daily Mail’s Gately-Gate) reckons it’s RP or nothing and Kate Moss is allegedly getting elocution lessons before saying her wedding vows. Next year’s Officer Team are all pretty well-spoken. Ta-ra, British dialects. Yu woz alreet in my bewk.

GOING DOWN

EXCITING COMPETITION!!// EXCITING COMPETITION!!/!

July 9 sees South London Calling coming to Crystal Palace Park with an almighty line-up of some of the finest names in electronic music, and Roar! have got 2 VIP tickets to give away to one lucky winner! The VIP tickets will grant access to all VIP areas and stages.

From the familiar faces of the old school to the leaders of the new school this is sure to be one the most impressive line-ups to hit London this year, with DJ stars including Sidney Samson, Tom Novy, Kate Lawler, Ratpack, Slipmatt, and Filthy Rich.

To enter, just email your name and subject to Roarkings@gmail.com, and we'll pick the winner out of a hat on June 20. Emails need to come from a KCL 4 account.

Dance pioneers The Chemical Brothers are set to dazzle the crowds with their spectacular new show at Wireless with Barclaycard on Saturday 2 July and we have one pair of tickets to give away to one lucky reader. With other acts on the Saturday bill including Chase & Status, The Streets, Ke$ha and Katy B, The Chemical Brothers at Wireless is set to be one of the hottest shows in the capital this Summer. Prize does not include travel. For tickets and more information, please go to www.wirelessfestival. co.uk.

To enter, just email your name and subject to Roarkings@ gmail.com, and we’ll pick the winner out of a hat on June 20. Emails need to come from a KCL account.

.. .

K E E HIS W

T

OTTERS: WHICH ONE IS YOUR FAVOURITE?

Roar! has been keeping their energy up with some tasty beverages...

Do you like having fun? Are you relentless in your pursuit of a good time? We at Roar! have been drinking Relentless Sugar Free like there’s no tomorrow, and frankly the amount of stuff we’ve achieved has been incredible. This issue of Roar! has passed in a caffeinated blur, but we’ve managed to ===maintain our svelte figures.

What a result! It also actually tastes alright, and if you’re going to be hitting up any festivals this summer (check out our guide) you’re definitely going to need it to propel you through the drinking-all-day-midday-slump.

CUT OUT AND KEEP SABB TEAM! RYAN WAIN President

UNITY! ERM...

ERM,... ERM...

UNITY!

EMILIE TAPPING VP Academic Affairs

ARGH! COMMITTEE! STANDARD.

KIA ALAM VP Student Activities and Facilities

HEY. ‘AVE YOU SEEN THIS, RIGHT?

YOUR SABBS ARE LEAVING! NEVER FEAR! ROAR! WILL HELP YOU RELIVE THOSE WONDERFUL MOMENTS WITH YOUR VERY OWN CUT AND KEEP MOMENTOES...

NATASHA WYNARCZYK VP Student Media and Engagement

WHAT EVEN IS THIS BABES? PRETTY FAIL LIKE. 5

NEWS

KCL STUDENT JOINS BLAIR FAITH FOUNDATION

By MATT QUINTON, Editor Final-year King’s College London undergraduate Charlotte Dando, 26, has been selected by former Prime Minister Tony Blair to join the Faiths Act Fellowship. This youth leadership programme, part of the Blairfounded Faith Foundation, tasks 29 young people from the UK, US, Canada and India with bringing together different religious communities in working towards eradicating deaths from malaria.

Charlotte, a Quaker from South London, was chosen as one of the 30 ambassadors, representing a diverse crosssection of different faith traditions, from a total of over 700 applicants. She has been paired with Usman Nawaz, 21, a Muslim from Rochdale, Lancashire, and they will be working together over the next year at Malaria No More in South London, reaching out to local religious and secular communities to educate them about the devastating impact of malaria and what can be done to help stop it. Blair said of the Faith Foundation’s work: “For the first time this generation has the opportunity to do two astonishing things; to work together alongside those of other faiths from all corners of the world and to meet one of the world’s greatest global health challenges- malaria.”

Charlotte, currently studying Religion and the Contemporary World, said of the project: “I applied for the Fellowship because I believe that interfaith relations and international development present two of the biggest challenges of contemporary society.

I’m very excited to begin working with friends from other faith groups to start tackling these issues.” With over 15, 000 people from over 40 countries taking part in the 2011 Faiths Act For World Malaria Day Campaign, the Faith Foundation will be looking to build upon this success in the coming year. Those interested in getting involved should head to www. tonyblairfaithfoundation.org to find out more.

GOTTA HAVE FAITH KINKS COLLEGE LONDON

By MATT QUINTON, Editor

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Everyone knows that JB from JLS went to King’s, and that the JLS condoms with his face on them are the worstselling ones. But how much do King’s students actually need them?

The good people at Student Beans (plug plug) have conducted The Student Sex Survey 2011, asking nearly 3000 sexually-active students from 60 UK universities their average number of sexual partners, with the results showing that students at King’s are… average.

Very average, in fact, in a precisely midtable 30th place.

The average KCL student, it seems, has had 5.7 sexual partners, compared to those frisky buggers at the first-placed University of Glamorgan, who clocked in at 10.9. On the other hand, they do go to the University of Glamorgan, so it’s ups and downs. At the opposite end of the scale, those at City University of London have clearly got their studies as their top priority, with an average of only 3.1 sexual partners.

Curiously, Welsh universities seem to offer the best opportunity for those in search of some nookie, with the

University of Wales Institute, Cardiff, in second place on 10.6, while those at Aberystwyth University average 9.1.

Crossing the Severn Toll Bridge has started to look like quite good value for money.

Upsettingly, University College London scrapes into the top ten with 7.6, a full twenty places above KCL. It would be unprofessional and probably illegal to recommend that we mobilise our student body (ho ho) to bring that average up, so we won’t. But next time you’re not sure whether there’s really a spark between you and this attractive member of the opposite/the same sex, remember that there are bragging rights to be gained by lying back, and thinking of KCL.

Regardless of whether you’re boosting the average, or struggling to break into whole numbers, remember that the most important thing is to show respect for whoever you’re getting jiggy with – and that means using protection.

Remember, as Tim ‘The Big Dawg’ Westwood says, you’ve got to strap it up before you slap it out. And if you’re really strapped for cash, you can probably get a pretty good deal on JB condoms.

NEWS

MASSIVE PRANKER’S PHONE HOAX

EXAM SHAMBLES King’s students have attacked College exam organisation after a wealth of assesment blunders. Final Year German BA students yet again faced mistakes with their exam paper for the third time, prompting one angry student to comment: “If this is what £3k a year looks like, I’d hate to see how they waste £9k.”

Concentration in one examination at RHH’s Lindley Hall was ruined by a radio blasting out La Roux’s ‘Bulletproof’ for at least half an hour before invigilators identified the source of the commotion.

Meanwhile on Strand Campus, the College has faced criticism of its facilities, with various students complaining about the shoddy state of exam desks. One Final Year, who did not want to named, told Roar!: “It was ridiculous. Just before the exam started, the table top just collapsed on my legs. The bang that resounded annoyed lots of students and I spent the next two hours worrying about it happening again instead of concentrating.

These ancient sub-standard desks really do need replacing.”

£9k: CONFIRMED

By MATT QUINTON Editor Students at KCL have been hit by a cruel hoaxer, calling students on the morning of an exam to falsely inform them that their papers have been cancelled. Believed to have all been made by the same individual, the calls do not appear to have caused any students to miss an examination, with all the victims speaking to friends who alerted them to the prank.

Students from a broad range of subjects were affected, but humanities students formed the majority of those targeted. While it appears that around twenty students received calls, the lack of a clear link between the victims has hindered efforts to establish a precise

figure.

The hoaxer, believed to be a man, was said by many to have been very convincing as he told students that flooding of the relevant examination venue meant the end-of-year tests had been rescheduled.

Many students said dealing with such a confusing situation was at best unhelpful in preparing for a challenging assessment.

Philosophy student Kareem Elsawi said he was “completely thrown” by the trick, as he “spent vital cramming time celebrating, calling my friends, and then panicking again.”

The malicious joker went even further, calling students who had already taken exams to tell them their scripts had been lost, and they would need to re-sit.

Distinguished Film Studies student Elliot

Chidwick said the time he spent worrying about re-takes cut into his well-planned revision timetable, and he declared himself “thoroughly annoyed, and unhappy with the admin staff – as per”, for their failure to become aware of the hoax and inform all students with greater speed.

Beloved KCL DJ Freddie Slaughter, impressed by the culprit’s effort but not the intention or potential consequences, described the prank as “a bit of a dick move”. KCL staff have confirmed that “all exams are taking place as normal”and that students receiving such calls should contact their department office for clarification – but it is highly unlikely that any exams will be cancelled.

As expected, KCL has confirmed that it will be charging the full whack of nine grand in tuition fees. A low-key announcement of this disgrace saved face. Whilst other Universities like Oxford and Cambridge set the precedent, fellow Russell Group institution LSE has charitably sliced a measly £500 off the top fee. Whether students will get value for money or not remains to be seen.

AV IT!

After some tough lobbying by VPSAF, Kia Alam, the College has now dropped its extortionate charges for student groups’ use of audio-visual equipment and room bookings. Student groups were charged £50 each for projectors and televisons. Apart from specialist equiptment, this will now be free.

Alam saw the victory as the “logical step.” .

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NEWS

STUDENTS GOT POLITICAL

THE YEAR IN

NEWS Our Deputy Editor ESTHER BEADLE gives you the round up of what’s hit the Roar! headlines this year...

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The coalition government’s reforms of Higher Education spurred the student population into action. Cuts to HE funding, rising tuition fees and the scrapping of EMA saw thousands take to the street in a number of demos over the year. However the protests soon descended into violence, with both students and police criticised for taking it all too far. Despite the huge outcry, the HE bills were passed, to much dismay.

ALL-WOMEN SABB TEAM

This year saw the highest turnout in a KCLSU election ever, with exactly 4,024 students going to the polls to choose next year’s Student Officer team. 2010 continued to be a year of electoral firsts, with voters opting for the Union’s first ever all-female Student Officer team. and VPAA-elect Simi Smith being the first ever International Student elected to an Officer position. Roar! congratulates all candidates for our most exciting election yet!

NEWS What was your SPORT TRIUMPH UNI OF THE YEAR highlight of the year?

FREYA PASCALL

2010 has seen KCL finally grasp victory in their sporting endeavours with both their first Varsity win in what seems like forever, and KCL’s first ever win against KCLMS in the Macadam Cup. Make sure to check out our Sports section for the final BUCS league tables!

Following a huge rise in applications and an impressive jump in international league tables, KCL was awarded the prestigious title of Univeristy of the Year 2010/11 by The Sunday Times. Principal, Rick Trainor, gleefully described the accolade as: “thrilling.”

OCCUPIED!

SHAMEFUL

2010-2011 was a great year for KCL Radio with our highpoint being a very successful first live broadcast from the London Varsity... made all the more enjoyable by the movie-worthy lastminute comeback that KCL made to win the match.

JONNY DIXON My highlight of the year was when the students abandoned Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems in the AV/council vote recently, showing that they wouldn’t stand for being betrayed again.

ANDREW FENELEY Following in what now seems to be an annual tradition, KCL students took political action and staged an occupation against HE cuts and rising fees. Over ten days students held talks, debates and film screening, as well as liasing with other occupations across the nation.

KCL came into the firing line as the conflict in Libya heated up. As revealed in The Guardian, the College had previously formed a partnership with the Libyan Government to reform the country’s prisons. Access to two of Libya’s most notorious jails was prohibited.

SUPER UZAIR

CRIME

The news that the crime-fighting KCL student Uzair Patel had caught a scooter gang red-handed made him a hero and the best news story of the year.

HASIB DEWAN My highlight of the year has got to be when the orange morph people that ran around Guys as a promo for Kinetic - mainly because I was one of them!

Plucky Bio-Med student, Uzair Patel, put paid to the stereotype of self-absorbed students by foiling not one, but TWO, heinous criminal activities. Brave Uzair put himself at risk to collar both a thuggish bag-snatcher and a disgraceful scooter-stealing street gang. Patel is an example to us all and a credit to KCL.

Former KCL Law Student, Mark Alexander, was sent down for murder last September.

Alexander, 22, was studying Law and French at the University when he was found guilty of murdering his father and then burying the body in the family garden.

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BURNING ISSUE NEWS

“SHOULD MODAFINIL BE BANNED?”

‘NO’ SAYS AISHA GANI

Modafinil: this is no equivalent to your average espresso, Lucozade, RedBull or ProPlus tablets. This is not a pansy glucose injection to give you a short term energy boost. For those hardcore exam crammers, this is the real deal.

In late 1980s France, Professor Micheal Jouvet made a discovery in the Laboratory firm Lafton. He had found an anti-depressant drug. But not any old drug. Subjects could keep working without sleep. It made subjects superproductive, with Baccalaureate students that took the drug showing dramatic improvements on their ability to study. In 1998 the Food and Drug Administration approved it. Since then, the exposure to the public has grown from just 250,000 to 20million potential users.

The European Medicines Agency has recommended the use of Modafini for narcolepsy (daytime sleep disorder), and it is described as a stimulant that increases the release of monoamine neurotransmitters including: catecholamines, norepinephrine and dopamine from the synaptic terminals, thus elevating the hypothalamic histamine levels. So, in layman’s terms, it’s a ‘wakefulness promoting agent’. It’s not just a bog standard, short-term, sugar rush. This stimulant does something awesome, enabling people to stay up, stay alert and be super-productive. And the good news is that it doesn’t have an addictive potential.

Even the military are getting in on the act, especially during lengthy missions when troops face extreme sleep deprivation. The UK Ministry of Defence has commissioned a £300,000 research study into Modafinil, while in the United States Modafinil has already been approved for use on certain missions.

Helicopter pilots given 600mg of Modafinil in three doses stayed awake for longer, with their responses maintained at normal speeds for a whopping 40 hours. The Canadian Medical Association Journal reported that Modafinil was used by astronauts on long-term missions aboard the International Space Mission, to optimise performance when fatigued.

Apparently, Modafinil is all the rage at Oxbridge, with the Cambridge student newspaper Varsity reporting that one in ten students have admitted taking medication such as Modafinil without a prescription.

University of York students embarked on an experiment to test the utility of this wonder drug for students. A sample of students was to take 200mg each day for five days. One student was able to have a social life and watch a film with friends in the evening, read all the material for his seminar during the night, before going to bed at 7am to wake up again refreshed at 8:30 - without setting an alarm. Another student explained that when taking the stimulant his work was completed was 10 as, or even better than, if he just as well

had been ‘clean’.

Exams and dissertations, especially for those of us who are finalists, are the make-or-break points of our careers. There is a huge black market in operation, capitalising on desperate students. But it’s just wrong to get someone else to complete coursework for you, or to buy your dissertation from a website – and it will probably be rubbish anyway. So much rests on our performance on the big day of exams.

We rely on fortuna so much, so why not take a leaf out of Machiavelli’s book: demonstrate some virtù (get tough) and do the work yourself – while on some steely stuff. What’s the problem with that? It’s not cheating.You just happened to find a more productive way to work.

Yes, it’s true that there can be some side effects. But the point is that you have to be pragmatic when using Modafinil. It would be reckless to keep going without so much as forty winks.

It has been proven that staying awake for more than 18 hours means that your response levels becomes 50 percent slower as fatigue and tiredness set in.

The brilliant thing about Modafinil is that tiredness doesn’t set in for much longer than this. If you sleep for just a couple of hours a day whilst taking Modafinil, you’ll probably be able to sustain a bout of über-productivity.

Let’s be honest, it will take superhuman effort to get through that huge lever arch file stuffed with notes that you haven’t looked at for the whole year. And what is there to lose? Nothing else has worked.

‘YES’ SAYS STEFAN RHYS-WILLIAMS

I don’t want to appear stuffy, repressed and conservative at the age of twentytwo, but the usage of a substance variously called Modafinil, Provigil or, rather attractively, ‘the smart drug’, should probably worry us. The list of effects this drug has on users reads like a litany of desirable qualities: Modafinil makes you better able to concentrate, improves productivity, enhances wit (or endows the witless in the first place), and generally makes you clever, energetic and fun to be around.

To discourage people from taking this miracle drug might seem tantamount to wishing that our society were more boring and replete with dour, uninteresting and anti-social people. I assure you that if there were some elixir we could imbibe or pill we could swallow that we were sure merely enhanced those good qualities I mentioned above and had no side-effects at all, I’d join in as eagerly as everybody else. But I have two principal misgivings: firstly, it is not uncommon for there to be something of a gulf between the way somebody thinks they are behaving, and the way everybody around them sees it. Just because you think you’re being charming and clever and funny doesn’t mean you are.

I can recall a couple of occasions when I have had a drink while writing an essay (justifying it as some sort of premature reward). Invariably, when I read back what I have written later on,

SOMETHING TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST? Every issue, Roar will be considering one of the month’s hottest topics - from both sides. So, if you have any suggestions for the next issue, then please contact AISHA via email at: roarcomment@gmail.com

what I thought was observant, nuanced and perceptive is obnoxious, leaden and confused.

There’s a second, more serious objection to the proliferation of this drug. We know that it affects the brain quite powerfully, producing an alertness and wakefulness that is something like that produced by various amphetamines, but without the manic behaviour – but we don’t yet know how. It might cause any number of problems years later, if it is heavily used,or maybe even if it isn’t. I don’t mean that the generation of people using it at the moment will start dropping like flies a decade or so from now, but there may well be some repercussions.

It’s unlikely the drug is very dangerous, but it could contribute to premature mental deterioration or depression. I’m only speculating, but it’s certainly something to bear in mind.

What seems more likely is that we discover that although Modifinil is not lethal, it is, on balance, more harmful than beneficial. If when we learn this, a large number of people are already regular users, if not dependent, how will they cope with having to return to life unaided by mental stimulants?

I don’t trust the government to decide which drugs should or should not be legal. The dismissal of Professor Nutt made it clear that the official stance on drug legality is more of an ideological posture than a careful consideration of trials and evidence. The hurried banning of the drug mephedrone last year was plainly motivated by a number of hysterical and lurid articles in a few tabloids. There is also a substantial amount of evidence that suggests making a drug illegal has very little effect on the numbers of people using it.

Of course, another issue is that those who self-medicate using Modafinil will have an unfair advantage over their peers. Students who have taken it may find exams much easier than their sober colleagues. Although, I don’t I like the idea of everybody taking this drug to ensure that we all enjoy the same advantages, and I’d understand universities denying access to examhalls to students who arrive shaking and trembling with a manic glint in their eye, I don’t think banning it would make a great deal of difference.

My chief concern with the increasing prevalence of Modafinil is not that it will lead to a class of superintelligent, productive people who will overshadow my own meager abilities; I’m just concerned that its use may result in unforeseen complications and risks.

I’m certainly not advocating a monastic lifestyle free of alcohol or caffeine – we all have our vices – but it’s surely a good principle not to take drugs that we don’t know much about.

COMMENT

VOICE OF

NO JOKE

‘ARE THE FRENCH RACIST?’ ALORS, NON...

Students should pull together to support one another during the exam period, taking care to look after each other during a very stressful time.

This is why it’s so upsetting that someone – likely a King’s student – has been making hoax phonecalls, informing students that their exams have been cancelled.

While no-one has missed an exam as a consequence, that was clearly the intention.

This kind of malicious behaviour may have been intended as a joke, but the consequences could have been very serious indeed.

Roar! hopes that the perpetrator comes forward and apologises – or that someone reports them so they can be properly disciplined.

What if it was your exam?

TIME TO SAY

GOODBYE

What a year it’s been. In this issue we’ve taken a look back at the last academic year – and it really has been an active one for students, from fee protests to victory over UCL in the Varsity.

We’ve achieved a lot as a university, and we hope you’ve done the same as individuals.

Let’s make sure we have just as much to be proud of in the year to come.

For those of you who will be returning in September, enjoy your time off – and reward yourself for a year of study with some summer fun.

Roar! sends our congratulations to all students who have made it to the end of their studies.

We hope that all that learning has in some way prepared you for the big wide world, and that your years at King’s have been happy ones.

Thanks for reading Roar! – we hope it was as much fun to read as it was to write.

Opressive or progressive? STEFAN RHYS-WILLIAMS looks into France’s banning of the burka Recent opinion pieces about the newly inaugurated French ban on the full Islamic veil have been both polarised and polarising. True, when it comes to legislation you have to take sides; laws are either passed and enforced, or they are not. But those who disagree with the ban tend to refuse to concede that these garments present a problem for modern societies at all, while those who support it don’t appear to appreciate the paradox in banning something for the sake of liberalism.

A number of writers and commentators, both in print and on television, have deployed an argument that goes something like this: “If we ban the burka, what next? Will we ban men from growing capacious beards? Will we ban low trousers and hoodies?” This is an attempt to trivialise an important issue by drawing false equivalences. The burka is not merely another item of clothing, and the decision to wear one is not analogous to the choices most of us make about our appearance.

The wearing of the veil, even by a small number of women, has considerable consequences.

It is likely to be those Muslim women who have the least contact with mainstream society who choose to wear the burka, and the obscuring of the face obviously encourages further alienation. At a time

when politicians are emphasising the need for mixing and integration, a plausible case for a ban can certainly be made.

It’s also important to bear in mind that the French have a very different history of dealing with religion than we do. In France, religion was emphatically and violently ejected from the public sphere in favour of a robust secularism, or ‘laicite’; while in Britain, religion has simply been allowed to become outdated, emaciated and irrelevant. The French have a great deal less patience with religious encroachments into public life – and that is their right.

Ultimately, I don’t think it’s a good idea to ban the full veil. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see why the French government is doing it. A ban is certainly more consistent with French republican values and history than it would be with Britain’s curious confusion over where religion belongs and what it is for. It doesn’t seem practical to try to encourage integration and develop commonalities by criminalising women who don’t threaten or menace anybody. But nor, as the columnist Yasmin Albhai-Brown claimed in the Guardian recently, are the French “racist” for implementing a ban.

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STUDENT GROUPS

SUKI HICHENS gives Roar! a round up of this year’s interfaith events KCLSU’s Interfaith Network is a Student Activity Group that has truly flourished this year, uniting a variety of faith groups at KCLSU, including the Catholic, Hindu, Islamic and Jewish Societies. Together they have been promoting cultural and religious integration and tolerance while offering an opportunity for King’s College London students to learn about different religions.

With the help of the KCLSU Student Activities Team, involving both permanent and student staff, the Network has been able to hold three successful Interfaith Forums this year, the first of which was held in November, discussing the issue of fascism. It welcomed 64 guests from a diverse range of backgrounds and saw valuable contributions from a wide variety of perspectives.

A second Forum followed in January with an ‘Afternoon Tea’ theme, which hosted guests such as Professor Sir Rick Trainor, Principal; Revd.

Dr. Richard Burridge, Dean at King’s; Imogen Wiltshire, KCLSU CEO; and Revd. Tim Ditchfield, Chaplain at King’s. The event generated enthusiastic discussion about faith at King’s and across the world, while allowing representatives from different faith groups to build relationships.

The third and final Forum was held in March, this time following a ‘Question Time’ format with a guest panel representing range of faiths and backgrounds. Chaired by none other than KCLSU President Ryan Wain, the event attracted guests such as Ben Whittaker, NUS Vice President for Welfare; Alex Dwek, President of the Union of Jewish Students; Fr. Joe Evans, Catholic Chaplain at King’s; Abdullah Al-Andalusi, director of the Muslim Debate Initiative; and NUS Interfaith

KEEP THE FAITH

Coordinator, Kat Luckock. Kat spoke very highly of the entire project and expressed her desire to work closely with King’s in future as a model of best practice in this area – a real credit to KCL’s Interfaith Network.

Perhaps the most successful event for the Network this year was the cross-campus KCLSU Festival of Faith, organised and held with the support and guidance of KCLSU. Spread over two days at Guy’s and Waterloo campuses, the Festival adopted the format of a fair, with faith groups holding stalls displaying information on their faith, a selection of cultural foods and other cultural and faith signposts. At Guy’s, unsuspecting students enjoying their lunch in the Spit were treated to live music from Lines of Faith, a group believed to be the only Muslim and Jewish collaborative band in the UK, whose music has a focus on harmonious interfaith relations. Undoubtedly a highly talented group, the band drew students in from outside Boland House, looking for a glimpse of the unexpected performance.

At Waterloo, musical entertainment was provided by Explosive Entertainments, a Dhol band who played a selection of Bhangra, Bollywood and Western beats to pull in the students to the fair.

Outgoing Interfaith Network President Rajiv Sethi, offered the following words about this year’s accomplishments: “The project has been of great importance to me, specifically in building confidence to liaise with a variety of faith group leaders on campus and beyond.”

“The project has been of great importance to me, specifically in building confidence to liaise with a variety of faith group leaders on campus and beyond.”

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We can all hope that the Network will continue to establish ever-strengthening interfaith relationships next year whilst continuing to promote the diversity of faith at King’s.

CAREERS

THE NEXT BIG THING...

IS

YOU

What’s this? Well, nothing less than the futures of you, our readers….

If you’re a finalist – well done and congratulations on getting through!

Here are our six top tips for sorting out what to do next.

1) Know what you want to do? Great news. If you’d like help nailing down an application or a second look over your CV (we can ALWAYS find an improvement) then pop in and see us. Mon-Thurs 11.30-4.30pm, no need to book. We’re open all summer and would be delighted to see you.

2) Not sure? Come to our final events of the year! Including ‘What To Do If You Don’t Know What To Do!’ Weds 2nd June 2-3pm. See www.kcl. ac.uk/careers/events for more details.

3) Sign up for our series of Newsletters seeing you through the change from student to worker… See www.kcl.ac.uk/careers/events and follow the links 4) Come to The London Graduate Fair – great news for everyone who managed to avoid falling over the careers fairs that were happening from the autumn term onwards. Or those who blew their chances by asking employers, ‘What do you do, then?’. The London Graduate Fair is the biggest graduate fair in the country. Find our more at www. londongradfair.co.uk/summer/ 5) Choose to get help over the next couple of years by joining GradClub at www.gradclub.co.uk You can use us till your student card expires but after that time you need to be a member of this exclusive, cheap, expert service. (It means you can come back to the Careers Service after you’ve left and use most of our services for free).

6) Make sure you keep your contact details up to date with KCL so that we can find out what you’re up to!

If you’re not leaving King’s and want to take some affirmative action about your next step, come on The City Course www.careers.lon.ac.uk/ city. A fantastic, insightful, unique experience where you take a week in September and visit top City employers (Bank of England, Lloyds of London, HSBC etc etc). You’ll do business games, practice assessment centres and network with their recent graduates to find your niche.

Hurry, though as the deadline for applications is 24/6/11.

For all your careers needs, use... www.careerstagged.co.uk A search engine that delivers ONLY careers related information. Heaven!

RECKON YOU COULD DO BETTER?

JOIN US We’re recruiting for next year... vpsme@kclsu.org

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PASSIONS

DEAR

DOCTOR LOVE

healing your love dilemmas since 2009.

KCLS-TRUE LOVE? LADY, BE GOOD! JUST SAY NO! Dear Doctor Love,

I have no idea what I’m doing writing to you. I only ever read your shit rag when all your undistributed copies are left languishing around the B2 KCLSU office. Thing is, I’m a well established member of SU staff and I have fallen head over heels in love with one of our students.

He’s not just any student. He’s an absolute stud. As soon as he steps into the office I’m overwhelmed by his testorney musk.

He has an unfaltering sense of style, a bit b-boy mashed up with fine tailored suits.

His witty-banter and lash-tastic ways flutter my heart in no way a man has

before. His spaniel eyes are the colour of the Wolfson House pool and he has cheeks the same hue as the KCLSU logo.

My problem is, after one to many in The Waterfront one night, I fear I may have made a complete tit of myself.

The next day he strolled into the office, ready to do his work as a reliable and well-liked member of Student Staff, and he would not stop taking the Michael out of my cider-and-black induced karaoke skills of the night before. I fear I may have ruined this before it even began, as I hear tell that he’s not massively into the best of famed American song-writer and Broadway stalwart, George Gershwin.

So here I am, sat, typing away, pretending

to put together policy reviews and inside I am crying. He accuses me of being a “lash monster” and says I need better music taste. What can be done?!

DOCTOR LOVE SAYS: You need to pull yourself out of this Rhapsody in Blue before your Funny Face is stained with tears. Any man who refuses to acknowledge the legend that created Porgy and Bess has no legs in my (Great American Song) book. I’ve never understood why people ain’t gonna acknowledge what Gerschwin can give their measly lives. My advice to poor you is to dump this awful crush and cheer up!

As for the student/staff thing? You never dip your pen into company ink. I’m gonna

PHOTO CASEBOOK: UNEMPLOYMENT

have to be gentle here and attempt to let you down nicely. Everyone will blast you for such a move. Staff will all look down on you for taking advantage. You’ll never be able to show your face again. Gonna ask the lad out, are you? My advice is run - as far as you can. Please, look around you. There must be other nice men and especially ones that won’t see staff desert you like some social leper. Mind how you go, my dear. This may send out all the wrong signals - mainly that you can’t pull a normal, hardworking member of society. Why go for a student? All they do is sleep and drink and belch and read.

Find a man in the outside world, before it’s too late!

CASUAL FLING GOING WRONG N SHIT Dear Doctor Love,

Doctor Love says:

Dexter needs to realise that he’s not alone in this very frightening situation. Taking that first step into the big, bad world after University is a daunting prospect. As long as money is fine, he needn’t let the fear get to him.

We’re in a bleak job market and it’s unlikely that Dexter’s perfect placement is directly in the corner. Getting stressed isn’t going to help. Nor will faking his relief. Dexter needs to explain his feelings to Roxanne and Finn so that they can help support him through what will be a tough time. You never know, they may feel exactly the same way. In practical terms, Dexter may want to find a casual part-time job such as bar work - I hear Heaven are hiring. This will fill his CV, and you never know what contacts you can make over a nice Pina Colada...

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Blimey! I’m in a bit of a tizz, y’get me. I started smashing this well fit bird. She was well fit. Pretty kinky as well, like. I saw it as a bit of light relief from my studies.

Friend of a friend n that. Well, now it’s turned out that she’s gone mental on me.

She keeps texting me, wanting to know if we’re taking it further. I’m not up for making this a permanent situation. I was just wanting to blow my load, yet she’s looking for full-blown commitment. I’m not taking any responsibility for this shit.

She’s under the impression that we’re proper together n shizz. I’m so not down with that. What do I do?!

DOCTOR LOVE SAYS: For a start, I wish that you undergrads would start using correct grammar in your emails and show me the respect befitting my station as a medical professional. It drives me round the bend, it does. Well, my friend, you have made your bed (or rather have unmade in quite salacious circumstances) and now you need to start NOT lying in it. Casual sexual relationships are never a brilliant idea, as they tend to fall into the murky quagmire of one party wanting a little nit more than the other. It seems that you may not have been completely clear with this girl. That needs to change. As well as showing some respect to me, young man, you need to show her some respect.

The tone of your correspondence suggests to me that you’re severly lacking on the chivalry front. For starters, “smashing” is a horrible word. You’ve treated this poor girl like equpiment for the fulifillment of your wanton desires. Grow a pair and be a man.

Face up to this messy situation. Sit down with her face to face and explain (nicely) that your arrangement is over. And stop sleeping with her. I’m sending you a much needed leaflet on “Not Being a Douche.”

And next time, just fap like everyone else!

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FEATURES

PLACES THAT NEVER WERE BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

Travel writer STEVE TAN gives you a guide to the best fictional holiday destinations around 5. Neverland Rumour has it that only children can visit Neverland, but if you think of happy thoughts you might just find your way to the famous home of Peter Pan, Tinker Bell, Captain Hook, and the Lost Boys. Multiple suns and moons make for some crazy weather, but the chance to fly through treetops and cave dive with Peter and his posse makes up for it, especially when flying across the lagoons and atoll. Wildlife includes flamingos, crocodiles, fairies and pixies, but it’s the mermaids and the pirates you have to watch out for. J.M. Barrie may have made Wendy’s home in London, England but it’s Madagascar that is often depicted to have made the tricks of the island’s parlour. Often portrayed as a metaphor for eternal childhood and escapism, Neverland ceased to age, and is place of swoonish magical bonanza for those who refused to grow up.

4. Pandora Being Earth’s closest stellar neighbour 4.37 light years away in Alpha Centauri, Pandora has been brought into prominence as James Cameron’s movie setting for his latest epic, record­breaking Avatar. A tale of imperialism, environmental recklessness, and military obstructionism for its abundant resource of unobtanium, Pandora is a world of wonder and mystery, incredible nature, and strange beauty. It has a reputation to wow spectators of all oblique angles for its magnificent jaw-dropping, aweinspiring, tranquil natural beauty. Don’t forget to immerse yourself within the temples of Eywa, the mother goddess of the indigenous Na’vi. While there are tours offered on human spaceship after the irking Great War, independent travel on the land will introduce you

to many bizarre predators and exotic hexapodal creatures, a must-have experience for Pandora visitors. Get yourself an Avatar for the ultimate Pandoran experience and be a warrior by taming and riding an Ikran (though, you will given a younger breed for safety purposes). On your last day, do pay a visit to The Tree of Souls to make a wish, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find unobtanium along the way!

3. Wizarding World of Harry Potter and Hogwarts Buckle your seatbelts, Muggle. With the extermination of the evil Lord Voldemort, the multi-dimensional magical world of Hogwarts is once again safe for Muggle visitors (of course, with both the consent of Minister of Magic and Muggle Prime Minister). While the UK’s red telephone box and the Leaky Cauldron is the most convenient way to enter the wizarding world – straight into Diagon Alley, it’s best to start off from London’s King’s Cross station at Platform 9 ¾ using the Hogwarts Express. You can find yourself in the middle of nature’s beauty and learn its historical carriages during that 12­ hour ride. Make a visit to Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes to enjoy the marvels of Extendable Ears, Canary Creams, and Wildfire Whiz-Bangs – infamously used to protest against Dolores Umbridge in the founders’ final year at school. Be sure to wonder around the great halls of Hogwarts as you explore your way out, lurk in the mysterious Ministry of Magic, exchange Muggle currencies at Dublin’s Gringotts Bank, and do not miss a broom-kicking Quidditch match!

2. Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory Attention sweet tooth! Chocoholics beware – you’ve finally found your heaven. Forget about the Golden

Tickets. Charlie’s ownership has made Wonka’s Factory more accessible and transparent than ever. The 4 mustsee sights in this gargantuan factory are: Chocolate Room, Inventing Room, Nut Sorting Room, and Television Room. Visiting without the sight of these fantastic four is like going to Beijing and missing the Forbidden City.

While Inventing and Television Room may house the most ever authenticlooking technological candymaking breakthroughs, and the Nut Sorting Room having the most genius squirrels in history, it’s the Chocolate Room that outshines others with its all-chocolatey and unique grass-growing licorice, scrumptious kernel-tasting candy corns and flower-shaped starbursts.You won’t be able to keep the words from your lips at Cocoa-falls: great muscular bands of chocolate arch over the precipicelike liquid glass, roaring into the void below; a vast plume of spray boils up from the cauldron, feathering into the air hundreds of meters above. Despite supplying world’s worth of chocolates from this river-like falls, the chocolatey extravaganza is undiminished.

1. Wonderland Who wouldn’t like to travel via rabbit

hole? It might be a bit bumpy, but these days it seems less confronting than flying and promises something much more marvellous at journey’s end. Lewis Carroll’s classic tale of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland introduced a beguiling universe of floating Cheshire cats, peculiar anthropomorphic creatures, powerhungry playing cards, tea-loving Mad Hatter, and scrumptious food with peculiar after-effects. Mischief is the national sport of Wonderland, where riddles and pranks await you if you’re sufficiently curious (and who wouldn’t be, when the flowers talk back and the furniture changes size). Carroll based Wonderland on the people and places in his own life, particularly around Oxford, where he attended university.

A carving in North Yorkshire’s magnificent Ripon Cathedral is also said to have inspired the trip down the rabbit hole. Now with the latest euphoria with the release of its 21st film to date (featuring Johnny Depp in his latest collaboration with Tim Burton), this unorthodox and queerly world is more alive than ever. And that’s why this is on top of my list.

What’s yours?

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FEATURES

SUMMER 2011 MUSIC FESTIVAL SPECIAL:

If you’re after something a little different, head to the Music section for the Best of the Alternative Festivals.

Barclaycard Wireless, Hyde Park, London, July 1-3 Spread over three days with no camping, this is the perfect big weekend for anyone staying in the capital over the summer. Each day is based around a different genre, but with an overall Top 40 slant: First night headliners are The Black Eyed Peas, joined by Plan B, Tiny Tempah, and Bruno Mars in a truly impressive hiphop/R&B line-up, perfect for anyone who’s spent most of their first year in Tiger Tiger (yes, you). The final day plays host to a rock line-up, with performances from heavyweights Pulp, Grace Jones, and TV On The Radio, mixed with sets from up-and-coming Neon Trees, The Pretty Reckless, and Yuck. Wireless, however, is known for its truly legendary dance night, and with the Saturday headlined by The Chemical Brothers, this year will be no exception. Dubstep-crossovers Chase and Status will be bringing heavy D&B to the party, while The Streets will be performing their latest and final album. Elsewhere, there’s more of a pop-flavour, as Ke$ha and Katy B both get a chance to demonstrate why they’ve had such massive success over the last year. This is a fantastic way to see all your favorite artists, without the hassle of trudging around a muddy field trying to work out how you’ve managed to miss Foals in favour of someone you’ve never heard of.

Tickets for all three nights go extremely fast, so head to wirelessfestival.co.uk

Lovebox, Victoria Park, London, July 15-17 Another no-camping affair, this is perfect for anyone looking for a festival experience, but with the benefit of getting a tube home to the comfort of your own bed. More ‘underground’ music tastes than the other festivals mentioned here, the soundtrack is appropriate to the East London location, with Friday offering an entire FWD-Rinse arena featuring Skream, Roll Deep, Ms Dynamite, and DJ Zinc. Kode 9 and Plastician provide some more deep vibrations for those no stranger to a night out in Shoreditch, while The Wombats and Metronomy provide a pair of stomping headline acts for the evening. Saturday casts the net a little wider, with Snoop Dogg and Jessie J top of the bill, and the Hospitality arena showcasing High Contrast, London Elekricity and Danny Byrd from the liquid D&B label. Sunday offers dance-pop superstars Scissor Sisters, while Beth Ditto and 2 Many DJ’s will up the energy levels with furious, and heavilysampled D&B. All three days will showcase the best the UK music-scene has to offer, and a few choice acts from foreign shores – think of it as a whole year of London nightlife, rolled into a weekend that’s big in every sense. Tickets can be bought for individual days, combinations of days, or for the weekend. As ever, these sell out very fast, as the entire population of London tries to go, so head to lovebox.net to get hold of one.

FEATURES

ROAR! GIVES YOU A ROUND UP OF 2011’S FESTS

WE KNOW WHAT YOU’LL DO THIS SUMMER

V Festival, Hylands Park, Chelmsford, August 20-21 Well-known for being the friendliest of the major festivals, as well as having the best facilities, V is perfect for anyone willing to venture outside the M25, but not willing to risk contracting cholera using the toilets. Rihanna and Eminem headline on the Saturday, the rapper’s only UK tour dates this year, while Sunday will see some home-grown UK talent in Plan B and the Artic Monkeys. Apart from the show-stopping headliners, there’s a real breadth of pop-infused acts, from new kids on the block N-Dubz and Wiz Khalifa to established acts like Dizzee Rascal and the Kaiser Chiefs: and even bona fide musical legends Primal Scream, Manic Street Preachers, and Duran Duran. V is always a fantastic weekend of live music, and this year looks to be no different, a chance to see all the acts that have been dominating the airwaves over the last year, with Professor Green, Ellie Goulding, and Lostprophets all high on the bill. Well-catered, and with excellent camping facilities, this is a great option for anyone looking for a fun long weekend away without anything too heavy. Head to vfestival.com to get your tickets booked.

Reading Festival, Reading, August 25-28 The festival big-dog, Reading is just a short train from London, and the line-up is pretty exceptional for rock fans, with My Chemical Romance, The Strokes, and Muse headlining over the three days. This is a line-up with depth, too – when New Found Glory are almost at the bottom of the bill, you know you’re not going to have to spend any time waiting for someone you’ve heard of. Considering the rock tradition of the festival, the dance stage is very credible as well, with 2 Many DJ’s, The Streets, and Nero – but this is all about guitars, and with Jane’s Addiction and Pulp on the agenda, it’s time to get stuck into some drinking and moshing. On the gentler end of the spectrum, Friendly Fires and Frank Turner provide a soothing backdrop to the experience, and The Pigeon Detectives and Taking Back Sunday offer something a little more poppy, but for a committed festival-goer, the option to thrash your way to the front of Enter Shikari or The Deftones seems likely to prove too tempting. Should you fail to pace yourself correctly, Reading is also known for its incredible comedy tent, and Tim Minchin, Lee Nelson, and the intriguingly named Late Night Gimp Fight will all be on-hand to amuse you back into the festival spirit. To get your ticket, head to readingfestival.com as soon as possible, because tickets famously sell out way (way way) in advance.

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FEATURES

FIT FOR PURPOSE? -v-

AMELIA TAIT takes a look at new website Fitsort.com, and she doesn’t like what she sees (or what other people see for that matter...)

By AMELIA TAIT Sometimes, when I’m sat on the tube after a long two-hour day of lectures, I literally judge a book by its cover. 45 year old Maureen is reading ‘Twilight: New Moon’ and I deem her a sexstarved maniac with a vampire fetish and borderline paedophilic tendencies.

A balding man with a tie tighter than his lips frowns over Barack Obama’s autobiography but to me he might as well be reading ‘I’m not racist but I don’t have black friends’. Other times on the tube, I metaphorically judge metaphorical books by their metaphorical covers. That is to say, I notice Boris’ bald spot and Maureen’s multi-layered tangerine foundation.

It seems it is human nature to judge others- and for this first judgement to be made at mere appearances. Ranking, too, is human nature. Look at the class system, or religion, or… Hitler. Perhaps that is why the new internet phenomenon www.fitsort.com is so successful, as it

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taps into this basic human instinct.

Fitsort.com is a website which asks you to provide your Facebook details (not a scam) and then allows you to compare two friends and click the one you deem most attractive. It will then show you each individual’s statistics, in numbers of losses and wins, which are then calculated to provide everyone with their own score.

You can see your own ‘stats’ and click on a link which takes you to a leader board of all your Facebook friends, beautifully organised in order of attractiveness.

I don’t know where to start with how disgusting I find this concept.

It’s destructive for self-esteem and constructive for narcissism. The local teenage Susan Boyle isn’t usually aware of her status as biggest minger, but position 506 out of 506 might give her a clue. Kandi usually knows she’s the hottest thing since her morning Venti Caramel Macchiato but 97/97 wins risks damaging the size of her perfectly proportioned head. It’s

addictive. It’s cruel. It’s pointless. But perhaps most disgusting is my success rate - 6/20- pah.

Fitsort is potentially very dangerous, especially for younger users.

Firstly, it is based on comparison, so you don’t have to be Su-Bo to come out with low stats if you are consistently compared with the Angelina Jolie of sixth-form, who conveniently lets her G-string peek from her leopard print hot pants. Secondly, (and I am guilty as charged) people don’t necessarily click on the most attractive of the two people that pop up- but rather may be more inclined to click someone because they like them or not click someone because they don’t like them. Younger, more naïve users may not realise these basic facts. Younger users may also not realise another crucial fact: looks change. If 13 year old Amelia Tait was being ranked, her wins would be at a 0. Not only did no one shear me (I had hair down to my ribs that was as bushy as it was long), or tell me about contact lenses, I also

insisted on wearing clothes designed for menopausal women. If Fitsort had existed then and I had discovered my hideousness in the eyes of society, I would have committed suicide (well, probably not, but there would have been some pretty angsty poetry I can tell you that).

I was reluctant to write about this phenomenon because I in no way want to contribute to the site’s popularity (altruism be damned, I don’t want my stats to get any lower).

The site allows students to partake in their two favourite activitiesbitchiness and procrastination- and with a new android app soon to be released, I can only see its popularity growing exponentially.

The consequences of this are yet to be seen. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not the mouse-holder; the ratings are essentially worthless.

Or maybe I’m just saying that because my mum has a 100% success rate and position 75 on the leader board.

LIFESTYLE

Do you ever find yourself sitting in on a Saturday thinking: “I have too few pennies to go and explore the great outdoors of London”? Are you bamboozled by the sheer number of options our capital has to offer?

Well, my fellow students, help is at hand…

Each Roar! issue I make it my mission to go out and find the perfect way for you to spend a Saturday for the grand total of £15. That’s right, I’m on the hunt for original, funky, fun and most importantly, cheap ways for you to spend your weekends. So no more excuses, it’s time to embrace being footloose and fancy-free students in one of the most exciting cities in the world.

Ah, the summer is upon us! Once those dreaded exams are finally over we have endless weeks to do, well, absolutely nothing. For this last issue (sad I know!) we are going to soak up the rays and chillax at some of London’s free summer festivals...

Starting Point: Victoria Park Day Activity: Taking place throughout June, ‘Paradise Gardens’ at Victoria Park is a fantastic hybrid between a festival and a Victorian pleasure garden. With a circus, fair and village fete, not to mention live music, street theatre, market stalls and fairground rides, this is sure to be one of the best ways to enjoy a lazy day in the park. £5 will have to be spent on some vintage fairground rides, as well as a £2 on a cup of tea and slice of Victoria sponge supplied by the Women’s Institute.

Guaranteed to be one of the most civilised festivals you have ever been to...

TOTAL FOR DAY ACTIVITY: £7.

Evening Activity: To ensure that people don’t think we have actually turned into Victorians, The Scoop, a sunken amphitheatre located between London Bridge and Tower Bridge, is a slightly edgier way to finish off the day. Situated by the river and boasting brilliant acoustics, each weekend over the summer sees the space host a juicy mix of theatre, cinema and music. Free ticketing does make the Scoop a popular destination on a balmy night, so make sure you grab a bottle of rosé / cider/vodka (delete as appropriate, or not at all if you’re a serious drinker) and get there early to watch a great array of live entertainment. With the sun setting and the river as a backdrop this may be one of the best ways to spend a summer’s evening.

TOTAL FOR EVENING ACTIVITY: £8 for your beverages.

OVERALL TOTAL: £15 Websites: www.paradisegardensfestival.org.uk www.morelondon.com/scoop.html

H S R A M R E LOW LIFE EVA CHAIDEFTOS goes in search of a fresh take on London Where do you go when you have been to Buckingham Palace, Portobello Road and Soho (and have recovered from the shock of entering a ‘bookshop’ only to realise it is not, in any way, a bookshop)? The obvious answer might not be Lower Marsh, but, as EVA CHAIDEFTOS has discovered, it’s a great place to go for a student-budget-friendly dinner or drinks.

Situated behind Waterloo station and close to Lambeth North, Lower Marsh is within walking distance of the Strand and Waterloo campuses. Cafés, bars, restaurants, hardware stores, a small market, several vintage stores, three beauty salons and an adult shop are all fighting for attention on this 0.3 mile stretch of road.

The corner pub The Walrus, with its quirky interior design, offers snacks and sharing platters from £1.95, shots from £2.50, a glass of wine from £3.50 and cocktails at £5.25, while the outside seating area is perfect for watching football in the summer.

The Camel and Artichoke is a more traditional pub, with a wide choice of pub food. If you are looking for something more unique, try Cubana, a LatinAmerican themed bar and restaurant. It’s trendy and atmospheric, although not the best place if you are on a strict student budget: though cocktails start from £3.95 most of them are £5.95, with starters from £5.95 and mains around £10. If you are strapped for cash but hungry, Marie’s Place offers the best value for money: noodle dishes, curries and salads come as cheap as £4.50 and you can bring your own wine (Iceland is two minutes away). The real gem of Lower

Marsh however is Scooter Caffé (or The Bar as known to locals): an unsuccessful scooter shop transformed into a trendy, retro café/bar. Though you have to pay for your wine, you can bring your own food and enjoy it whilst soaking up the atmosphere..

Other notable cafés and restaurants on this amazing road include Japanese Inshoku, CasseCroûte for light meals and delicious sandwiches, the organic and health foods-focussed shop/café “Coopers Natural Foods” and, if your taste is more... refined, Greensmith’s - a deluxe supermarket and coffee shop. If you are in a rush or on a short lunch break, the daily food stalls are also worth checking out: you’ll find burgers, Thai food and a crêpe stall with delicious sweet and savoury crêpes made by a melancholy looking Frenchman (only £2-£3 between 3pm and 5pm). There is also a daily fruits and vegetables market.

So why not take a stroll down Lower Marsh on a grey Monday, pay a visit to the cool vintage boutiques, have a drink in one of the many independent cafés and take a Rock and Roll dancing class at the Waterloo Action Centre, before enjoying a Kevin Spacey performance at the nearby Old Vic Theatre (student tickets are only £12!).

Lower Marsh has been designated a conservation area because of its ‘special character’.

It has also been the setting of many films, including Bridget Jones’s Diary, You will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Trauma and Blood Diamond

Follow Roar! Fashion and Lifestyle on Twitter at www.twitter.com/roarfashion. We also have a blog at www.roarfashion.blogspot.com. Log on for all the latest fashion updates!

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FASHION

SUMMER FASHION SUN STYLE SHOW

IMPRESARIOS

SUITCASE STAPLES 1. Look effortlessly chic this summer in a patterned maxi dress.

We love this stripy number (£23, from Primark). Nautical but nice.

2. Channel your inner mermaid with this gorgeous clutch, £23, Accessorize.

3. Snap up this Christopher Kanestyle swimsuit, an absolute bargain at £12 from Florence & Fred for Tesco.

4. No summer outfit is complete without an oversized pair of sunnies. Protect your eyes whilst looking glam with this pair from Marks and Spencer, £10.

5. Add a touch of the tropical to your outfit, even if you are just enjoying the sun in London. Palm tree earrings, £18, Maggie Angus.

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Kelly Hollidge - Kerastase Sun and Sea protection cream. Bleached hair gets lighter in the sun, which is great, but in order to keep it looking healthy and shiny I need to use some kind of protection. This smells amazing and makes sure my hair is soft and silky rather than dry and damaged. One bottle has lasted me 3 years so even though it's a bit pricey it's definitely worth it!

Angharad Mead – A maxi dress is a great summer holiday staple which will take you from day to night and fold down small in your suitcase. Just make sure you choose one in a fabric that doesn't crease.

Laura Arowolo – A pair of trusty denim cut-off shorts, as you can wear them with absolutely anything. They're uber-comfortable and a permanent fixture in my suitcase!

FASHION Photo: JUN YIN TAN

By MASIE SKIDMORE This spring KCL Impresarios organised and hosted Be Brazen: a fashion show and after-party held at the Pigalle Club, Piccadilly, in aid of Centrepoint and the Amar Jyoti Trust.

The elegant Pigalle Club had something of a speakeasy feel, buzzing with anticipation for the event as students and young professionals clustered around tables littered with cocktails and appetisers, lit by glittering spotlights from the balcony above.

Upstairs in the dressing room the atmosphere was equally glamorous, if a little more chaotic. Rails were laden with an array of colours, fabrics and finishes, including elegant pieces from a wide range of high-street stores. The show’s models leaned over one another to fasten zips, alter hemlines and attach jewellery provided by the evening’s sponsors, while photographers captured the designers putting the finishing touches to their pieces and took snapshots of the lively crowd below.

Twenty models from the University of London walked to showcase collections by young

ULU designers, nonchalant and charismatic in a selection of knitwear, headdresses, satin babydoll skirts and bright panelled dresses. The simple herringbone plaits popularised by Spring/Summer Fashion Week 2011 were the hairstyle of the evening: a unifying touch amidst the range of styles employed

by ULU’s brilliant designers. Midway through the show, the audience was entertained by an interval in which a comedy duo selected members of the stylish crowd to take part in magic tricks. The show then continued with outfits selected from the Spring/ Summer 2011 collection of fashion giant Jaeger.

High-waisted safari shorts, wide-brimmed hats, chic midi-length skirts and crocheted lace concluded the evening’s fashion, followed by live music at the fabulous after-party.

The proceeds from the fashion show will be donated to the Amar Jyoti Trust, a UK based charity that works to provide education for blind children in North-East India, and Centrepoint, a Londonbased voluntary group who aim to reduce youth homelessness in Greater London.

NAIL IT Fed up with having to sit on your suitcase so it will close? Avoid those pesky excess baggage charges by travelling light and focusing on the all important basics.

Here's what the Roar Fashion girls will be packing this summer...

Izzy Noble - I couldn't go away without some big sunglasses.

They instantly make any outfit more elegant and hide the effects of the previous night's party!

Coryn Brisbane - A piece of statement jewellery, as it means a lighter luggage load but allows me to accessorise on nights out.

Jil Sanders inspired nail art at www.makeupsavvy.co

Bright colours were all over the catwalks for SS11, and not just on the clothes – models were also seen sporting vibrant eye make-up and an array of eyepopping nail art. From animal print at Alexander McQueen to zesty hues at Moschino, the nail technicians were out in force to remind us that giving attention to detail really does pay off.

Unfortunately, not everyone can afford their own personal nail artist to pimp their talons.

However, with the right tools, a bit of practice and a good dose of enthusiasm it’s possible to recreate catwalk nail trends at home. If only we had the clothes to match!

plenty of tutorials available on YouTube.

Stock up on new nail polishes for Summer. Barry M is always a favourite for cheap and cheerful brights, whilst Topshop is bang on trend with its designerinspired hues.

Try your hand at applying nail wraps, available in a variety of patterns such as leopard print and bold stripes (www.nailrock.com).

Don’t

Apply fake nails at home. By the end of the night you’ll only have three left, and that’s not a good look. Seems like some things are best left to the professionals, after all.

Let your nail art get tatty. Always prime with a base Look to blogs for inspiration. Make Up Savvy (www. coat and protect with a good layer of top coat. makeupsavvy.co.uk) offers some great instructions Don’t rush it. Care is the key to getting your nails on how to recreate designer nail art. There are also looking as amazing as they should. Keep some nail varnish remover and a cotton bud on hand in case!

Do

Summer’s here, the last thing you ladies need is thick cakey make-up. The harsh summer sun can wreck havoc on dull skin, so pick up Benefit’s new Finding Mr Bright. This pallete is light and illuminating. www.benefitcosmetics.co.uk 21

ARTS ARTS

CAPITAL SNAPS

‘London is something too complex to be caught within a set of views’ said London photographer Bill Brandt. Yet, the ‘London Street Photography’ exhibition does manage to capture the ever-changing, multifarious face of the metropolis, retracing its transformation from the 1860s to the present day.

As you enter, don’t be put off by the sober setting, a simple dimly-lit room - the content more than makes up for it. The texture and size of the earlier photographs have not been altered, and while this means having to elbow other enthusiasts out of the way to view them clearly, it undoubtedly retains the original nature of the image.

For me, it was most remarkable to trace the social history of London through the snapshots of ordinary scenes. Henry Grant’s ‘Trafalgar Square’, for instance, shows a woman feeding pigeons in 1955, an unlikely sight nowadays following the 2007 ban. The pigeons’ flailing wings create a sense of survival that echoes that of the grime-faced street urchins in other images, a notable contrast

with the consumerist sights of London today.

It was equally interesting to witness the progress of street photography itself. Early images are largely architectural, as photographic techniques were far too slow to capture movement, with humans appearing blurred and almost by accident. In later snapshots the candid prints of Londoners going about their daily business blend a documentary flavour with the photographers’ art. Serendipity also plays a great part in street photography: for instance, Terry Spencer’s shot of a group of skinheads scowling at hippies in Piccadilly Circus in 1969.

A closer look at the most recent photographs (taken in the last ten years or so) brings to mind how this work may well form part of the historical archive for future generations to consider what life was like in the 21st century.

‘London Street Photography’ is at the Museum of London, until 4th September 2011. Free Entry.

BIC-AUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT

By MICHAEL MILLER

Currently showing at The Museum of Brands, Packaging and Advertising is a celebratory exhibition of 60 years of the BIC Cristal ball pen. Arguably both the most humble and iconic disposable pen ever made, artists from all over the world have contributed to the exhibition, presenting portraiture, sculptures, interior design and fashion, all inspired by the iconic pen.

With results so varying it was hard to look anywhere but everywhere at once, from the loud All Round Object by Herbert Hitteregger to Maison Martin Margiela jacket seemingly made entirely from pens.

Annette Carey’s Swarovsky Crystal encrusted dress, which with a £10,000 asking price is arguably one of the more pretentious and dare I say it, less successful creations. While other

artists elevated the value of the modest pen through their creativity, I felt that using 2,000 Swarovski crystals to imbue value missed the point of the exhibition. One standout piece was James Mylne’s reproduction of Vermeer’s Girl with a Pearl Earring, and while other contributions were no less fantastic they remained tongue in cheek. Mylne’s memorable interpretation could arguably be considered a stand-alone piece with such intense detail it was difficult to believe that it had been drawn entirely using the same pen we borrow, chew, rarely return and often lose.

A final space allowed visitors to pick up the pen and leave their own mark. A nice acknowledgement to the freedom offered by the disposable pen, but when each BIC biro will write for at least 125 miles it seems as though they may need more space.

ARTS ARTS ARTS

JAW

IN-TENTS

DROPPING

POETRY

By THEODORA WAKELY

LOUISE FORDHAM slams Shoreditch poetry night. Nah, she doesn’t. She thought it was great... and it’s free Jawdance @ Rich Mix Last month Jawdance celebrated its first anniversary after a year in which it has grown to become one of London’s leading performance poetry nights.

The evening was comprised of an eclectic mix of performance poets, live artists and cutting-edge film shorts, all effortlessly held together by charismatic compère Pete the Temp, who whipped up the crowd between each set. Amongst the featured artists this month was singer-songwriter Lara A. King whose set had the whole audience joining in between fits of laughter.

This highlight was followed by

another in the form of Vanessa Kisuule, who took the venue by storm with her sharp poetry and witty asides.

Interspersed with more established performers were the open-mic slots which showcased some promising talent for the future of the spoken word scene.

When an open-mic poet breaks into the Prince of Bel Air rap half-way through his poem, you know you’re in safe hands! Admittedly, some of the other open-mic attempts were more miss than hit, but even these were compensated for by the presence of a bar, and were far outweighed by the laugh-out-loud moments.

Taking place every third Wednesday of the month at Shoreditch’s Rich Mix (worth visiting for the great vibe of the venue alone), Jawdance offers a taster of the performance poetry scene, an attempt for all you aspiring poets to put their talent to the test, and an all-round good evening. If you’re looking for an alternative night out, then this should definitely be on your to-do list, and best of all…it’s FREE! Wed 20 April / Wed 18 May / Wed 15 Jun / Wed 20 Jul / 7.30pm / Free Presented by Apples & Snakes at Rich Mix, 35-47 Bethnal Green Road, London, E1 6LA

A perfect music festival experience generally involves cider, sun, great tunes and perhaps some more cider to wash it all down with. For the more adventurous, however, there should be an extra addition to the standard itinerary – poetry.

Tucked away from the main hoopla, poetry tents provide fantastic opportunities to discover fresh new talent and to see and hear the big names of poetry (i.e. the ones from the GCSE anthology). In fact, the ability of music festivals to draw in such a diverse range of poets means that I often end up in the poetry tent - not just because the main line-up has failed to excite, or because it is raining, but as an active choice, to see poets that can rival musicians and comedians for entertainment.

This year, for example, Latitude, which always features a poetry line up that makes me want to immediately purchase a ticket and whose poetry tent has beanbags (always a bonus), has dub poet Linton Kwesi Johnson and Simon Armitage whilst Glastonbury has livewire John Cooper Clarke. The smaller names are also worth checking out, if not more so, especially as the ‘household’ poets pack the often tiny poetry tents out. Two I would recommend making an effort for and who often appear at festivals are the politically witty Elvis McGonagall (his David Cameron poem is hilarious: ‘Co, Caine/ Never, Ever, Again’) and the Bristolian rapper Dizreali whose track ‘Bomb Tesco’ (metaphorically) seems especially apt after recent events in Stokes Croft.

Of course for those out there who already know the poetry scene inside out, ‘discovering’ poetry tents at festivals is old news. However, for those who think that music festivals only cater to one type of artistic expression, now is the time to broaden your horizons and submerge yourself in the spoken word.

23

FILM

HIGH CLASS? NO WAY

Your Highness *** Danny Mcbride leads the way in this medieval stoner-comedy. An excellent cast (Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschenel, James Franco) embark on a quest to save the model-prince Franco’s bride (Deschenel) from the grasp of a tyrannical wizard. Very much in the same vein as ‘bromance’ comedies of Judd Apatow post-Superbad/40 yearold virgin/Knocked Up, numerous references are made to 80’s epic films (think Conan the Barbarian) in a refreshingly funny way. There are jokes about minotaur dicks, masturbation and oral sex. It’s daft, crude and unashamedly funny.

BRAND LOYALTY Arthur ** Russell Brand re-imagines Dudley Moore’s playboy of the 1981 original, gallivanting, shagging, spending and prancing his way around New York. His nanny (Helen Mirren) guides him in his otherwise lost world of wealth, lust and excess as Brand’s inheritance of $950 million is subject to him marrying the brilliantly-shrill Jennifer Garner. He agrees, but falls for Greta Gerwig (me neither) and here the underpinning theme of the film emerges: follow your instincts, or orders? Rebel or conform? Pretty Orwellian subject matter, but with jokes about fat people, magnets and Darth Vader. Inevitably the titular character chooses with his heart (or maybe something else knowing Brand’s pre-Katy Perry history with women), and alls well that ends well. The film itself isn’t excellent, but there are a few funny moments. That said, easily the most cringeworthy part of the film, the red carpet episodes circa release and interviews is the faux-romance between Helen Mirren and Russell Brand. They both seem to find it ‘naughty’ to pretend flirt with each other and display some kind of sexual chemistry. Unfortunately Mirren begins to irritate and Brand’s addiction to the limelight is not very likeable.

Russell Brand is a strange mixture of two conflicting characters: in the wake of Sachs-gate of 2008 he has fully immersed himself in the mould of ‘Dickensian whimsy’, and basically repeating this in various films but only with wardrobe changes distinguishing each role. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Arthur features the exact same brand of Brand, which according to the American Press has spelt the end of his career (already). There’s enough hope in here however that he can change and ‘do serious’ (see the Tempest, also with Mirren, for more thesp and fewer clichés), but sadly this film limits his natural flair to be smothered in cheap-charisma and tired patterns.

IT’S HAMMERTIME

24

Thor *** The former Shakesperian-thesp Kenneth Brannagh once gave us perhaps the best modern-version of Henry V’s famous St Crispin’s Speech (‘We few, we brand of brothers’), but here comes his most unlikely of departures: Thor. Based on the comic book of the 1960s and featuring a whole host of familiar faces (Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Idris Elba) alongside some relative unknowns (Kat Dennings and the titular character played with gusto by Chris Hemsworth).

Banished by his father Odin (Hopkins), Thor lands on Earth with a thump and here begins the default theme of ‘the outsider’ - i.e.: he doesn’t know what facebook is but, in a more extreme case of unfamiliarity, he can’t even hold a cup of coffee. Natalie Portman’s talents as an actress are largely wasted on this brash, expensive adaptation, but there’s plenty of reason to have faith in Hemsworth.

He delivers a brilliant turn as the axewielding nutter and can easily lead films in the future with his sure signs of charm, intrigue and fragility. Note to Kenneth Brannagh: stick to Shakespeare; you’re much better as doting rather than director.

FILM

COMING THIS SUMMER...

TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU The Hangover Part 2 (26 May) The premise is exactly the same as the original, but this time the drunken antics take place in Bangkok. The team from the first film are in search of the lost younger brother of the bride to wed Stu. There is a monkey, a face-tattoo and the inevitable shock and awe in hearing what happened during one of those nights. Think postexams Walkabout, but set in Thailand and with the mother of all hangovers.

Expect: laughs Don’t expect: ground-breaking cinema

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (5 August) James Franco and Frieda Pinto lead the way in the latest (and hopefully better than the last) reimagining of The Planet of the Apes. Franco plays a scientist who (controversially) grants apes in a laboratory heightened intelligence and, of course, it all goes terribly wrong. The trailer makes the film look sheek and farless overblown than the 2001 film.

Expect: action Don’t expect: any monkey business

X-Men First Class (3 June) Magneto and Charles Xavier were once budding partners in promoting mutants rights (with clear parallels to civil rights movement upon its comic-based birth in 1960s America) before they came to blows. Featuring Micheal Fassbender (one of the great actors of our generation), James Mcavoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult and January Jones’s cleavage, the story revolves around young mutants realising their powers and coming to terms with being outsiders. The movie is set against the backdrop of Cold War nuclear threats between the US and Russia during the Cuban missile crisis with the X-Men intervening. Trailer hints at a darker touch in the study of infamy a la Watchmen and The Dark Knight. Looks excellent.

Expect: entertainment

The Tree of Life (27 May) Terrence Mallick brings us a story of family, love, purpose, society and the dynamics of closely-knit relationships. Brad Pitt stars as the father to Sean Penn’s younger-self in flashbacks as Mallick produces what looks to be an absolutely stunning return to form.

1950s America is beautifully recreated as the director’s work behind the camera sees the lense capture imagery on another level.

Cannot be missed.

Expect: a moving storyline Don’t expect: laughs

Harry Potter 7 Part 2 (15 July) Close to 10 years after the first, the Harry Potter franchise (and employer of most of British acting) has its final curtain call. Harry, Hermione and Ron are on the hunt for Voldemort’s horcruxes away from Hogwarts. The battle of Hogwarts is sure to be brilliant on screen as the titular character comes to blows with the hauntingly-good Ralph Fiennes.

Expect: emotions and epicness Don’t expect: a sequel

25

MUSIC

IC1 AWESOME BAND

THE REST OF ALL THE FESTIVALS

By EMMA BLACK If you live in London, chances are that you’ve already seen an IC1s logo sticker on a train window, in a club bathroom or on your girlfriend’s breast. Less than a year out of the box in their current incarnation, IC1s are five guys from North-West London who are rapidly becoming a word-of-mouth sensation on the indie rock live circuit.

Hand-picked by self-proclaimed fan, Oasis discoverer and all-round musical mythmaker Alan McGee to headline a showcase of up and coming bands at his Greasy Lips clubnight, the band have also played shows with Tim Burgess (The Charlatans), Mik Whitnall (Babyshambles) and Proud Mary (signed to Noel Gallagher’s Sour Mash Label), outselling the latter at their own album launch. Recently chosen by Burgess to play his Friends Of Mine Festival alongside The Cribs, Buzzcocks and Badly Drawn Boy this summer, the band are rising fast and gathering a die-hard fan-base along the way.

Loud, raw and confrontational, IC1s put on the kind of live show that stops crowded bars talking and sees drinkers throw themselves to the front. Frontman Daniel Coburn’s distinctive vocals characterise the infectious, hook-heavy songs, commanding the attention of even the most jaded live music fan. Driven by the powerhouses of drummer Andy Faulkner and bassist Jacob Osman, and the hard-hitting duel guitar talents of John Campbell and Jesse James (yes, it is his real name), an IC1s show is memorable for all the right reasons.

Last year’s Lowering the Tone EP captured three of the songs that have been snaring audiences and generating major label interest, including the anthemic earworm ‘Whack Jack’ - prone to incite the kind of fan stage invasions that many more established bands could only dream of. The band’s next EP, due for release in May, is definitely not to be missed.

IC1s have the songs, the swagger, and more importantly, the sheer, blistering talent to be the best new band of 2011 and beyond. Don’t miss out. Log on to www.ic1sband.com or search ‘IC1’ on Facebook for more information.

26

By PHILIP BROOKS Offset Festival takes place in Hainault Forest over the first weekend of September. It’s not for everybody though, showcasing alternative indie, post-punk, electro and everything that’s big in London’s edgiest areas – namely Shoreditch and Dalston. This year’s line-up hasn’t been announced yet, but previous acts have included Mystery Jets, These New Puritans and The Horrors. As well as more prestigious names, Offset is the perfect place to discover exciting emerging bands before anyone else. (September 3-4)

Closer to home, Field Day Festival is a daylong event held in Victoria Park. It’s ideal for those who love live music but prioritise personal hygiene!

This year’s line-up is strong, featuring some of the most exciting British bands of today: The Coral, Wild Beasts, The Horrors and many more acts, both old and new. On top of this, there will be a village fête offering a sack race and an egg and spoon race, both accompanied by a stonking soundtrack. (August 6)

Located in the tranquil Brecon Beacons in Wales, Green Man Festival offers another welcome retreat from the city. With its folky line-up – which includes Fleet Foxes, The Low Anthem and Mercury Award-nominated Villagers - the combination of music and setting makes it perfect for a chilled weekend away. The festival offers tickets at a reduced price for students, so take advantage while you still can! (August 19-21)

Not all festivals are about rock - there are plenty out there for fans of dance and its many subgenres. Glade Festival spawned from a Glastonbury stage of the same name, and now hosts hundreds of DJs and acts across three days. Unusually, the organisers do not announce the location of the festival until nearer the time; so far, they have only revealed that it will be in the countryside “somewhere in Warwickshire”, giving the event an air of mystery. The line-up has also not been announced just yet, but it is bound to impress fans of electronic music. Glade is the perfect postexam party. (June 10-12)

Besides the range of festivals within the UK, there are opportunities for fans of heavy rock and metal to go further afield. Graspop Metal Meeting, for example, takes place in North-East Belgium.

Scorpions, Ozzy Osbourne and Slipknot top this year’s line-up, which also features Korn, Whitesnake, Avenged Sevenfold and many more across four stages.

Companies such as Argon Events offer travel packages from the UK at very reasonable rates. (June 24-26)

Although not quite as pricey as Glastonbury or Reading, some of these festivals still cost upwards of £100. However, there are also options for those on a very tight budget. One of these is Bingley Music Live held in Bingley, West Yorkshire, a bargain at £35 for the whole weekend. Such a cheap price does bring its limitations, though - there is no on-site camping, but the festival website recommends a number of cheap local campsites. The line-up hasn’t been announced yet, but last year’s offered fantastic value for money with Buzzcocks, Example and The Enemy. (September 2-4)

Wherever you end up this year, have a great summer of festivals!

KENDAL CALLING EDITOR’S PICK!

Situated in a deer park in the Lake District, Kendal Calling is perfect for those looking to escape the trappings of the capital during their festival experience. This took Best Small Festival at the 2010 UK Festival Awards, and this year’s event looks to repeat these successes, with an eclectic mix of live and electronic music.

Classic acts like Blondie and Echo & The Bunnymen head the lineup alongside cult indie bands The Cribs, Frank Turner, and The Young Knives while Chase and Status and Nero provide something for fans of the Big Beat Manifesto. While six stages and tents provide a selection of folk, jazz, dance and acoustic acts to suit every taste, organisers also arrange a sports day, real ale tent and even a house party - all adding up to a seriously fun weekend! (July 29-31) This is our Roar! Festival Pick of the Bunch, with the best combination of big names with breakthrough acts, combining music with all the other fun stuff that makes a festival one to remember. Tickets are available at kendalcalling.co.uk, so get yours while you can!

MUSIC

REVIEWS

The Glorious Land PJ HARVEY *****

SINGLE Out Now

By EMMA BLACK

Nine Types of Light TV ON THE RADIO ****

By DANY AWAL This April saw the return of Brooklyn’s alt-rock heroes TV On The Radio, after an 18-month break. It’s not like they’ve spent the time sitting around trimming their beards, though. Guitarists Kyp Malone and Dave Sitek released solo albums under the names Rain Machine and Maximum Balloon respectively. Lead singer Tunde Adebimpe also sang on Massive Attack’s latest album and wrote the soundtrack for upcoming film The Lottery.

Sadly this success has been marred by sadness. Last month, after a courageous fight against lung cancer, bassist Gerard Smith passed away at the age of just 34.

Smith joined the band in 2005 and was a prominent contributor to TV On The Radio’s last three

ALBUM Out Now albums. He became known for his sauntering bass-lines and bashful stage presence, which complemented the self-confidence and flailing gesticulations of the other four members. He will be sorely missed by band-mates and fans alike, particularly with the release of this fifth record.

Three years after the success of their intelligent and brooding album Dear Science, Nine Types Of Light invites you to explore the band’s ardent, affectionate side. The first seconds of the opening track, ironically called ‘Second Song’, mark an unusually delicate start for a TV On The Radio album. The falsetto melody and idiosyncratic muscle drumming are used in a new and endearing way, stoking an unusual warmth which permeates the album.

Highlights include the

clanging yet soothing riff explosions of ‘Caffeinated Consciousness’, and the soulful fervour of ‘Will Do’. ‘Keep Your Heart’, ‘You’ and ‘Killer Crane’ are more lethargic tracks, with their simple chord progressions layered with ethereal harmonies. To prevent the album from stagnating, the adrenalinefuelled, hard-hitting tempos of ‘Repetition’ and ‘No Future Shock’ are well-placed.

Accessible and engaging from the off, Nine Types Of Light encompasses a side of TV On The Radio that has been concealed for ten years. Diverse as ever, the band are aeons ahead of their peers.

That said, TV On The Radio may not be remembered for this album.

It lacks the raw distortion and experimental nuances that made Return To Cookie Mountain such a seminal record.

Punk and Poetry THE KING BLUES ***

When PJ Harvey chose to debut the title-song of her eighth album, ‘Let England Shake’, in front of thenPrime Minister Gordon Brown on The Andrew Marr Show last April, it was immediately clear that this would be her most openly political album to date.

Resplendent in a black feather headdress that held echoes of military battle dress, it was impossible to watch without imagining the awkwardness in the room, as Harvey let rip with lines such as “England’s dancing days are done”. As with Harvey’s best early work, Let England Shake is an album of conflict. This time though, she is turning her attention to the conflict outside of herself, moving from the bedroom mirror to the streets and battlefields.

‘The Glorious Land’ is the third track on an album which reads both as a chronicle and a vicious indictment of the universal war-zone that we currently find ourselves in. At just thirteen lines long, the song’s power comes not only from Harvey’s distinctive and emotive vocals, but also from her vivid imagery.

Whilst deceptively light and uplifting musically, Harvey pulls no punches with her lyrical content: “What is the glorious fruit of our land? Its fruit is deformed children [...] Its fruit is orphaned children.”

The plea in the refrain – “Oh America! Oh England!”

– calls on the two nations to account for themselves directly. Harvey’s use of “our land” rather than “their land” aligns us with civilians in multiple war zones, unsubtly implying that the UK and America are symbolically destroying their own lands in physically destroying other countries through war. Particularly inspired is the bugle sounding throughout the track.

Traditionally used to herald soldiers going into battle, Harvey’s bugle is discordant and out of time with the music; a clever way to further express her dissent.

SINGLE Out Now

By DAVID HAMILTON With the release of their eagerly awaited third album Punk and Poetry amidst a rigorous UK tour, the last two months have been busy for The King Blues. April also saw the release of the album’s second single, a bouncy punk number entitled ‘Set the World on Fire’.

Destined for radio play, the song is bright and upbeat, revelling in its pop influence. With lively melodies and a catchy chorus that powerfully incites the listener to sing (or shout) along, it will certainly be on your lips for hours after hearing it. Oddly though, this sanguine style is used to deliver a message that is much more aggressive. The song is a protest, a call to arms, to destroy the current status quo. However, its rousing message is revealed through disappointingly unsubtle lyrics: “I only follow the mob to lynch the Prime Minister”. This mismatch of tone and message is curious but only relatively damaging. What is much

less forgivable is the sheer unoriginality.

According to frontman Jonathan ‘Itch’ Fox, “it’s important that people challenge and question what’s going on out there.” This is all very admirable, but unavoidably clichéd. Opposing “the man” has long been a staple of punk, but what produces timeless music is originality of sound, and this is notably lacking. Rancid’s influence is inescapable - the catchy hooks and basslines are reminiscent of songs like ‘Fall Back Down’ or ‘Time Bomb’. Furthermore, Itch’s forced “street” accent is particularly jarring in this song, but perhaps that’s a matter of personal preference. After all, Capdown frontman Jake Sims-Fielding sings in an undeniably artificial voice to great success.

‘Set the World on Fire’ is an energetic summer toe-tapper, worthy of a listen and a singalong. Unfortunately however, lacking in originality both musically and lyrically, it will never transcend that superficial level.

27

SPORT SPORT

WHAT THE BUCS GOING ON?

By MATT ABBOTT and CHARLOTTE RICHARDSON It has been a fantastic year of sport at King’s. Every Wednesday and Saturday, hundreds of King’s students represent their university in dozens of different sporting disciplines in both University of

London competitions and on a regional and national level, in British Universities and College Sports competitions. This round-up is therefore the tip of the iceberg when it comes to sport at King’s, both in terms of success and participation; It is simply not possible to acknowledge the achievements of all King’s sports

competitors and teams, as there are just too many.

A special mention must however go to the KCL men’s Fencing club who won their South Eastern Conference 1A division and to the KCL men’s Badminton team who were narrowly beaten in the semi-finals of the BUCS National

Knockout Trophy.

Roar Sport! would like to extend congratulations to all King’s sportsmen and women, not just for their successes, but for taking part and doing both KCL and KCLMS proud!

BUCS Basketball – South Eastern Conference Men’s 3B POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI City 1s Imperial 1s King’s 1s Cant CC 1s Essex 2s Herts 2s

Pld 10 9 9 7 2 1

King’s Basketball boys have also had a successful season finishing third in a very tight BUCS division. Michael Martin guided the team to a fantastic double over

W 9 8 4 3 2 1

D -

L 1 1 5 4 7 9

F 718 687 597 453 536 399

Hertfordshire University winning 103-28 and 89-42. All other matches were more tightly contested. They beat the University of Essex 59-55 but were narrowly defeated by

A 516 509 505 445 558 399

Diff +201 +178 +97 +8 -22 -458

Pts 27 21 15 9 6 3

local rivals Imperial 52-49 and UCL 56-65.

BUCS Netball - South Eastern Conference Women’s 1A POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Kent 1s Herts 1s Chich. 1s Ports. 1s Brunel 1s King’s 1s

Pld 10 10 10 10 10 10

Lisa Nahorniak captained the KCL Netball firsts to a great season, particularly against their fiercest rivals KCLMS: beating their firsts 29-26, seconds 38-26 and

W 8 7 4 4 4 1

D 1 1 1 1 0 0

L 1 2 5 5 9 9

F 491 436 375 396 372 485

thirds 39-12. The girls ended the season on a high helping KCL win the Macadam Cup with a 24-23 victory against the medics. The team came fourth in the league winning

A 370 312 357 383 376 485

Diff +121 +124 +17 +13 -4 -271

Pts 25 22 13 13 12 3

seven out of their ten games, losing three times to the teams above them.

BUCS Hockey - South Eastern Conference Men’s 2B POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Imperial 1s Imp. Medic 1s King’s 1s RUMS 1s Herts. 1s St Georges 1s

Pld 10 10 9 9 9 7

Niklas Strobl’s hockey team came third in BUCS 2B League. They won four games, lost two and drew three.

They had an outstanding 7-0 victory against St George’s

W 6 6 4 4 3 1

D 2 2 1 1 -

L 2 4 3 4 5 6

F 43 25 19 26 23 10

Hospital Medical School and beat rivals Imperial in a close 3-2 contest. The team excelled against the medics in the Macadam Cup winning 3-0 to toast what has been a

A 23 12 20 27 33 26

Diff +20 +8 -1 -1 -10 -16

Pts 20 18 14 13 13* 0*

Diff +118 +138 +24 -75 -33 -172

Pts 13* 13 6 6 3* -

commendable season.

BUCS Rugby - South Eastern Conference Women’s 2A POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Sussex 1s Surrey 1s King’s 1s KCLMS 1s Bucks 1s Reading 1s

Pld 4 5 5 5 4 5

KCL Women’s Rugby team has improved vastly this season. They progressed to the quarter finals of the BUCS Conference Cup, losing 20-0 to finalists Surrey. The girls

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W 3 4 2 2 2 -

D 1 1 -

L 3 3 2 5

F 144 184 154 103 84 69

came third in their BUCS league. To add sweetness to their season they beat KCLMS twice; in the league 7120 and 12-10 in the Macadam Cup. The girls will be

A 26 46 130 178 117 241

looking to build upon the fantastic foundations they have established in this progressive season.

SPORT

ROUNDUP OF KING’S TOP SPORTING SIDES IN THEIR RESPECTIVE BUCS LEAGUES. BUCS Rugby - South Eastern Conference Men’s 2B POS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

UNI King’s 1s Herts 1s Cant CC 1s KCLMS 1s LSE 1s UCL 1s Essex 1s Imperial 1s

Pld 12 13 12 12 10 12 12 12

It has been a truly magnificent year for the KCL Rugby club 1st XV, led by James Duffus. Not only did they secure promotion to the SE Conference 2A as league champions,

W 10 8 6 6 5 4 5 2

D 1 1 1 1 -

L 2 5 6 5 4 7 7 10

F 224 295 226 182 169 194 186 133

they also completed a stirring comeback in the Varsity to win 12-10 in the final play of the game. There were comebacks of similar magnitude against Canterbury

A 183 183 202 180 159 189 211 322

Diff +61 +112 +24 +2 +10 +5 -25 -189

Pts 36* 21* 19 19 16 13 12* 6

Christ Church and KCLMS earlier in the season.

BUCS Football - South Eastern Conference Men’s 5B POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Imp. Medics 1s Surrey 2s King’s 1s LSE 2s Greenwich 3s Holloway 3s

Pld 10 10 10 10 10 10

After a sluggish start to the campaign, Will Reed-Wright and the KCLFC 1st XI found some late season form to finish third in their BUCS division with the three wins

W 6 6 3 4 4 2

D 2 5 2 1

L 2 4 2 4 6 7

F 29 22 21 14 23 13

coming in the last 5 games. An emphatic 6-1 win over Greenwich in March secured a top three finish. The highlight of their season however was a hard-fought 1-0

A 14 15 16 17 41 19

Diff +15 +7 +5 -3 -18 -6

Pts 20 18 14 14 12 7

win over close rivals KCLMS 1s in the Macadam Cup!

BUCS Footbal - South Eastern Conference Women’s 2A POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Holloway 1s Reading 1s Roehmptn 1s Kingston 1s Surrey 1s King’s 1s

Pld 10 9 10 9 10 8

This was a strange season for KCLWFC. A disappointing winless season in their BUCS division (which unfortunately sees them relegated) was countered by an

W 9 7 4 3 4 -

D 1 1 -

L 1 6 6 6 8

F 49 41 27 7 10 7

A 7 16 31 18 22 47

Diff +42 +25 -4 -11 -12 -40

Pts 28 22 12 12* 12 -3*

ultimately successful year in ULU Division 1 where the girls captained by Samantha Peacock finished second!

BUCS Hockey - South Eastern Conference Women’s POS 1 2 3 4 5 6

UNI Uni of Arts 1s Imp Medics 1s RVC 1s KCLMS 2s King’s 1s RVC 2s

Pld 9 7 9 8 8 5

After a very strong start (two wins in their opening two games) King’s season went into freefall as they lost five of the following six games and conceded walkovers in

W 7 4 5 2 2 -

D 2 1 2 1 -

L 2 2 6 5 5

F 25 23 36 12 12 5

two others. Victory in their opening game against rivals KCLMS 2s, who had a marginally better season, proved to be the highlight of the year for Lois Lee and co. in an

A 6 11 16 30 27 23

Diff +19 +12 +20 -18 -15 -18

Pts 26* 22* 20* 6 1* -9*

otherwise disappointing season.

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SPORT

POWERFUL PING-PONG

Brian Li (left) pictured at the British Universities Sports Finals in March

By MATT ABBOTT, Sports Editor Player of the Final Brian Li and the KCL Table-Tennis teams secure a silver medal and Premier status in an outstanding ping-pong season!

A pulsating Player of the Final performance from Brian Li secured a sensational silver medal in the TableTennis Knockout Championships for King’s at the BUCS Championships,

just days before they secured promotion to the BUCS Table-Tennis Premier South league!

It had already been a remarkable year.

Prior to the BUCS Championships, the culmination of a whole host of BUCS sports’ seasons held at the English Institute of Sport, Sheffield on March 20, King’s had already taken huge strides in booking their place in next year’s BUCS Premier South

division. After winning all of their ten league matches they defeated Cardiff University on aggregate in a two-legged play-off semi-final, setting up a playoff final with the University of Bath, scheduled to take place three days after the Championships in Sheffield.

Such success in the league competition ran parallel with their progression through the rounds of the Table-Tennis Knockout Championship Cup, the FA Cup of University Table-Tennis, if you will.

On Feburary 16, King’s narrowly beat Cambridge University in the first round by nine games to eight before thrashing Warwick 16-1 in the quarter finals on March 2. This saw them through to the semi-finals of the competition, played as part of the BUCS Championships, Sheffield.

King’s men’s team ventured up the A1 to Sheffield. Defeated only once and all-conquering in both the league and Knockout Championships, the team were amongst the top four University teams in the whole of Great Britain, and were the only team in the semifinals not to have an international in their ranks.

King’s had been drawn against Edinburgh in the semi-final and they eventually dispatched the Scots in a gruelling nine games to seven victory, guaranteeing them at least a silver medal. The final pitted King’s against Nottingham, a strong outfit who had defeated Imperial College in the other semi-final.

Here, King’s met their match. A little jaded and up against players of the highest calibre, they gave everything, coming so close in several of the remaining matches but eventually

VICTORY!

BY SIMON LEWIS

The 2010/11 academic year can be remembered as an undoubted success for King’s sport. Not only was there a last-gasp victory over fierce rivals UCL to write home about, but KCL also recorded their first ever victory in the Macadam Cup against equally fierce rivals KCLMS – no more chants of, “You’ll never win Macadam”! If truth be told, both events delivered twists, turns, gut-wrenching tension, and surprise turnarounds, but who would want it any other way?

Yes, the King’s faithful can now waltz 30 around London

knowing that they can call upon the year’s exploits, no matter what rival they should come across. Spare a thought, though, for KCLMS (not for UCL; never for UCL). Having dominated the Macadam Cup, their fingers were clasping the trophy right up until the final result was announced. The nailbiting netball showdown was indicative of the rest of the tournament; fans of each side tried to gather any information that might give any clues as to the eventual winners. Alas, the official announcement consigned KCLMS to their fate.

They were typically gracious in defeat (I assume it was typical, as they’ve never lost before),

slightly altering their barbs to sing, ‘you’ll only win it once’, but no King’s student present at the time will care; they’ve won it once, that’s enough.

King’s had similarly wrestled the Varsity Cup from the hands of UCL. Having led 12-0 at the break, the UCL fans were ready to celebrate, but King’s was not beaten yet.

Having let UCL enjoy a large portion of the match in the lead, a last minute converted try sent King’s flying into the lead, where they stayed until the final whistle. Sorry UCL but victory tastes so much sweeter when it’s unexpected, especially against you. The players themselves were gladiatorial, regardless

succumbing to a 9-3 defeat. Make no mistake however; the silver medal they won as a result, is a fantastic achievement. In addition, Brian Li was named Player of the Final after he emerged victorious from all of his singles matches, beating a Nottingham player who is currently ranked in the top ten of all British Table-Tennis players.

King’s did not dwell on their success in Sheffield for too long. Three days later on March 23, they met the University of Bath in their BUCS Premier South play-off final, securing promotion from the South Eastern Conference 1A to the Premier South division with an emphatic fourteen games to three victory. To put this achievement into perspective, Bath were a Premier South side. But King’s victory means Bath will now be doing business in the BUCS South Western conference 1A next year, as King’s move into the University Table-Tennis elite in their place. Cambridge, London Met and Imperial await in the 2011/2012 season, a season that for King’s at least, has a lot to live up to.

This has been a truly brilliant year for Tom Lundy, the captain, Brian Li and the rest of the King’s Table-Tennis team.

For most of us, Table-Tennis is a fun leisure activity that we play casually every now and again. But next time you play, remember this with pride: the University you go to is one of the best in the UK at Table-Tennis!

The achievements of this team are no small feat and consequently there is no accolade to pay them that is too grand.

Congratulations to Tom, Brian and the entire KCL Table-Tennis club.

of how disappointing their performance had been during the first half. The UCL fans were left stunned, whereas the King’s fans could breathe a loud sigh of relief.

The Herculean effort was epitomised by the fact KCL rugby were unable to field a full XV against KCLMS at

Macadam. What will go down in history is that King’s didn’t have to hide their faces in any part of London, whether down at London Bridge, or up in Bloomsbury; 2010/11 was the year that King’s could be proud - and just a bit smug. Here’s hoping it all happens the same next year.

NICE COX

Report of KCL Boat Club Men’s Eights Head of River Race

By JOSEPH HETHERINGTON

Two eights of KCL’s finest men rowed the most gruelling race of the year this March. Out of a total of almost 400 crews from around the globe, with the best of British talent competing, the men’s first Eight gained their best result in over five years, narrowly missing out on the coveted top 100 finish, but finishing in a respectable 104th. The second Eight managed a respectable 345th placing, holding their performance from the previous year.

The main competition for KCL in such races are the other London Colleges, all of which finished behind the KCL first eight. UCL weren’t far off, just 6 places behind, followed by Imperial Medics who placed 107 crews behind.

The result, which put KCL 31st out of all the universities entered, bodes well for their chances at Henley Royal Regatta, the biggest and most renowned rowing race in the World. The Regatta race is a 1 mile and 550 yard stretch and sees the top rowers from around the world battle for the kudos of winning a Henley event!

SPORT Report of KCL Boat Club Women’s Eights Head of River Race

By ED GRIFFITHS KCL Boat Club’s senior women’s first Eight placed 80th out of 315 crews in the 76th annual Women’s Eights Head of the River Race (WeHORR), the largest women’s rowing race in the world. In a race where few London colleges fielded a second crew, KCLBC second Eight put in a solid performance to finish 266th; a sound achievement considering 6 of the 8 only took up rowing in September. Both crews combined experienced rowers and novice rowers who have progressed to training and racing with the senior squad.

KCLBC last competed in WeHORR in 2009, when the first Eight finished 176th. Women’s captain and cox Anna Turner said: “This is the best WeHORR result KCL have had in over 10 years, and leaves us in a strong position for the summer season. It’s good to see that the hours of training we’ve put in have paid off.

Special thanks go to our coach, Rhona MacCullum, who has overseen our new training program”.

The WeHORR is the female counterpart of the Men’s Eights Head of the River. The 4.5 mile course is the same as for the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race, but is rowed in reverse. Rather than crews going head to head, each crew rows down the course at intervals and their times are recorded to give the results. The race is one of the longest ‘head’ style races. Crews get a welcome cheer from supporters on Hammersmith Bridge, just over halfway down the course.

Varsity rivals UCL finished in 59th place, but aside from this the KCL first Eight placed above every other UL college and medical school, with Royal Vets, 138th, ICSM, 184th, RUMS, 195th, St George’s, 216th, and LSE, 291st, trailing far behind. This leaves KCLBC in a strong position for the upcoming regatta season, and most importantly, the medical school Bumps, raced at the end of May between the six United Hospitals Colleges.

FIVES ALIVE

Roar! Sport has focussed much of its attention this year on the first teams of its sports clubs. So, for the last issue, we take a look at a team that like many others has competed on Wednesdays and Saturdays, but whose success has gone relatively unnoticed. KCLFC president Jack Denyer gives us his Vice-Captain’s account of the KCLFC 5th XI’s season

By JACK DENYER The KCL 5th XI football team is not just a home for average to poor footballers and those with a certain affinity to Snakebite. In recent years it has become an institution. With a consistently high Wednesday night turn out and an impressive amount of straight nine finishes at Club Pub Golf, the 5’s have historically earned this institutional reputation through social, rather than footballing achievements. In terms of football, we were a team that played with the finesse of Stoke, the passion of the Wimbledon Crazy Gang, and the good fortune of an Arsenal title campaign.

However, this season began in an unusual style, in the sense that pre season friendlies (against teams which I shall not name directly, but suffice to say they were the KCLFC 5 minus 1’s and 5 minus 2’s) were not only won, but won in such clinical fashion that many senior players felt that it was nothing short of one of the early signs of an imminent apocalypse.

The acquisition of fresh players at the trials,

and the growing maturity of the current second years had somehow allowed the team to play with new, alien, concepts. There was ‘pass and move’, ‘one touch football’ and most frightening of all ‘step overs’. Some members of the team (again not to name names, but shall we say the one closest to 20 stone) were frankly disgusted at this abandonment of the style of route one football that helped us achieve a mid-table finish last year. It would seem the days of ‘look down, punt and salmon leap’ were behind us and we were now a team toying dangerously with the idea of actually playing football.

The beginning of our season proved just that; after our first six league games we had racked up 35 goals, averaging just under six a game. We had dispatched fierce rivals KCLMS and LSE in such convincing fashion it almost took the pleasure out of gloating. Almost. It appeared that for us the league would be won by Christmas. It was therefore fitting that in mid November we reverted back to true 5’s style, and went on a six match winless streak, in which we lost our first game of the season. This poor vein of

form continued over Christmas, until finally we got a much-needed win at home to Goldsmiths at the end of January. Like a Roberto Mancini press conference, excuses and reasoning behind this slump varied from injured strikers to bad weather, from poor playing surfaces to bad refereeing. However, when pushed, the majority of the team would eventually admit we were just shite.

Spurred on by the emphatic victory over Goldsmiths, and equipped with this new sense of optimism and belief that finally, this was our year for promotion, our year for the title, we lost 3-1 to bottomof-the-table Imperial. This was followed by a draw against second bottom, St George’s, and it appeared that we were truly out of the race. Next match was to third bottom LSE, and being 2-1 down with 10 minutes to go it took two moments of absolute inspiration to win the game 3-2 in injury time. The win kick-started a late push for the title and key victories over KCLMS and UCL sealed our promotion, and the illustrious title of ‘ULU Men’s Division 3 Champions by default’.

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