27 minute read
Realistic Resolutions
Setting Realistic Resolutions
“E verything changes NOW!” bark those ambitious New Year’s resolutions. Your mind snaps to attention but then shifts into foggy overwhelm as it considers the drastic changes you’ll have to implement immediately, and then your eyes glaze over. Sound familiar? After so many years of feeling the pressure to come up with some great thing to change, I’m not a huge fan. Instead, I like to think of the goals I want to achieve in the new year. We parents have things we want to do for our family and with our family. We also want to be good role models for our kids and teach them good habits and life skills. How do we go about doing this? First, we have to start implementing these habits in our own lives. Kids naturally watch what we do and take it as an example of what they should do themselves.
Let’s start with expectations. We can’t keep ourselves on track and keep moving forward if we don’t know what our expectations for our own yearly goals are. As we have well learned by now, life changes and throws curveballs at us. This means our goals will most likely have to shift around at some point to fit where our lives are going. I used to be so strict with myself that if something didn’t go perfectly in line with how it started and how I imagined it, I was done. New goal! I’ve learned that in order to make something happen, I have to adjust and pivot to deal with whatever comes at me. I’m sure lot of people can relate with being your own worst critic and being overly hard on yourself. Well, I’ve also learned to expect something will happen to throw me off, but I also expect to roll with the changes and learn to fit my goal into wherever I am at that moment. I give myself grace and a little pat on the back for not giving up. After all, I still want to make those things happen, even if things look a little different in the end.
Parents, what goals do you have for yourselves for the year? Even if we do manage our kids, there are still things we want to do personally. Having and sharing goals also shows our kids we are more than just a mom or dad. We are our own people, too. These goals don’t have to be lofty and large undertakings. They might be as simple as finally finishing a photo album or redoing a part of the house. Even small goals require lots of tedious steps and some time to accomplish. Come up with the small, manageable steps to get those projects done and start to take action. Action is key.
Sit down as a family and talk about what everyone wants to make happen over the year. If your kids are old enough to provide input, I suggest letting them do that. We humans tend to feel more valued and want to participate more when we have input into decision making. In my personal experience, we also take more responsibility.
Kids start wanting independence at an early age. Coaching them about goals is a great way to let them start gaining that independence. From an early age, teach them how to set goals and how to achieve them by breaking them down into manageable steps. Let them tell you what they want to do—you might even find out things about them you didn’t know! Teaching kids to do this will also teach them how to take life in small steps they can accomplish rather than attacking a momentous task in one impossible try.
The last—very important—part? Follow-through. Goals are great, but unless we follow up with action, they are just ideas. Here is my list of tips for following through. • Be realistic about your goals. It’s exciting to have lofty goals, but if they are too big, you might get overwhelmed instead of chipping away at the small things. • Don’t pick things you won’t do. Some things sound great to do, but if you’re honest with yourself, you know you won’t do it. Leave those for a different time. • Plan as much as possible. When you come up with activities to move toward a goal, put them in the schedule. Often, we have a great idea and then dismiss it and move on. Take two minutes to block time out and make it happen. • Find activities that are fun. Goal setting and achieving seems like a boring thing. Find a way to make it fun for you and your family. Mix some fun into the activities that are helping you achieve your goal. Find friends who want to do it with you. • Add something to your life instead of getting rid of it. I always thought of a resolution as something I’m going to take away so I could fix a part of my life or make it better.
Someone once mentioned adding something. I thought that was a good spin!
If you are tired of being part of the group for which, come February, resolutions have fallen off your radar because of life’s happening, shift the way you think. I used to glaze over when someone asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. I always felt like the goals I set were not big enough or were too insignificant to qualify for a New Year’s resolution. The good news is we get to decide what the right resolutions and goals are for us. And big or small, they should be things that excite us to get out of bed or add satisfaction to the end of our day.
Goal setting doesn’t have to be for planning nerds. It’s for anyone who wants to be proud of what she accomplished throughout the year. It’s for those who are sick of looking back and saying, “I have no idea what happened to this year or what I did, but I was busy.” Don’t be another New Year’s resolution statistic. Come up with some goals with your family that work for all of you and have some fun with it.
Lauren Dreher lives in Stilwell with her husband and two toddlers.
SAY WHAT?
Tips to Improve Your Child’s Listening Skills
Do you find yourself frustrated from repeating the same phrases over and over again when talking to your children? Does it seem like everything you say goes in one ear and out the other? Do your kids really not hear you, or are they just tuning you out?
First of all, it’s important to understand the difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a passive act that requires no concentration. Listening is an active process that requires focus and multiple senses. Listening is voluntary, so children must decide whether they are going to just hear you or really listen to what you’re saying and use their mind and body to engage in a conversation. Good listeners turn into good communicators later on in life. If your child has trouble listening to you, the good news is there are many ways to improve those listening skills.
Model Good Listening Skills
One way to help your child build better listening skills is to be a positive influence and model good listening skills to your child. Kids learn best from watching their parents, so set a good example for them. Use good listening skills when you’re talking to your children, as well as other adults. When your child speaks to you, give him eye contact and use body language to show him you’re actively listening to what he’s saying. Nodding in agreement and asking follow-up questions are a few ways to show you’re invested and engaged in the conversation. Also, don’t interrupt while she is speaking.
Put Down the Gadgets
With parents and children more attached to their devices than ever before, it’s easy for us to tune out what we are saying to each other. According to Highlights magazine’s 2014 State of the Kid survey results, 62 percent of kids say their parents are distracted when kids are trying to talk to them. When asked what distracts their parents, kids’ top responses were cell phones (28 percent), siblings (25 percent), work (16 percent) and TV (13 percent). Before having a conversation with your child, turn off the TV and put down your cell phone or laptop. Give her eye contact and show her she has your undivided attention. Ask her to do the same, so you can both focus on the conversation.
Get Their Attention
It’s important to get your child’s full attention before giving instructions. Sometimes you don’t fully have kids’ attention before speaking. Don’t just call up the stairs, “Go put your shoes on!” Instead, approach your child with eye contact, get down on his level and say his name. Once he’s looking at you, you can proceed with your instructions.
Ask Them to Repeat Instructions
When you ask your child to do something, follow up by asking her to repeat your request. Once you have given an instruction, ask her to repeat it back to you, so you can make sure she fully heard and understood your request—and ask whether she has any questions. I’ve oftentimes found we have asked my daughter to do something, got upset when she didn’t do it but then later realized she didn’t fully understand what we were requesting—and that’s why she did something entirely different.
Play Fun Games
There are several fun games you can play with your kids that will help them practice their listening skills. An old-fashioned game of Telephone requires kids to focus on what is being said to them. Games like Red Light, Green Light and Simon Says also help foster good listening habits.
Reading books can help with your children’s listening comprehension. Read aloud to your children every day. This doesn’t have to be only at bedtime! While reading, make sure to stop and ask questions about what’s going on in the story or what they think will happen next. You can also listen to audio books together during long car rides or just on the way to school. Be sure to react to the story and have conversations about what is happening in the book.
Take a Walk
Spending time out in nature is an easy and fun way to help develop listening skills. As you’re walking, ask your children what sounds they hear. This will help them turn on their listening ears and focus on the different sounds like birds chirping, the neighbor’s lawnmower, leaves rustling or a bee buzzing by.
Tell a Story Together
Kids can practice listening by telling a story together. Start the story off with a phrase like “Once upon a time there was a…” Then, let each child continue the story. They will be practicing listening, taking turns to speak and using their imaginations at the same time.
Cook Together
Cooking and baking is based on reading or listening to instructions. Bake kids’ favorite cookies or have your kids help you out with cooking dinner in the evenings. Read the recipe and instructions aloud and let them listen and follow the directions to complete the culinary creation.
Start Conversations
Make a habit of starting real conversations with your kids. Our family loves doing this at mealtime. We go around the table and talk about what we did all day, the best part of our day and the worst part of our day. My daughter loves it so much that she is the one who initiates the conversation now. You can follow up with questions after each person at the table has shared.
Regan Lyons is a girl mom and freelance writer. She lives with her husband and daughters, Atley, 7, and Ensley, 1, in St. Joseph, MO.
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Moms Starting Their Own Businesses
Do you have a passion, talent or an idea for a side hustle while you’re raising your babies? Do you watch Shark Tank and think of what you could pitch? Many moms have great ideas, many have taken that leap of faith to see what would happen if they just tried, and many have been successful— so you could be too!
I grew up longing to be a mother and truly hoping I would be able to be a stay-athome mom. My experience as a SAHM has been rewarding, and I would hit repeat to do it all over again! But after a while, I also wanted something on which I could use my brain in a different way, and I wanted to add to my personal identity on top of being a mom. I have worn a few hats while keeping my gig as a SAHM, including volunteer work, leaderships teams for MOPS groups, writing for KC Parent Magazine, running my photography business and substitute teaching. I think we all have a desire to be fully known and appreciated, and sometimes those sweet-cheeked babies just can’t express the appreciation you crave, right? I think that’s where the rubber hits the road for me. Before I started my side gigs, I felt like no one knew how much I was doing at home and I missed the praise, promotions and raises that express appreciation in a regular job.
Speaking of raises, moms at home often feel like they’re not contributing to the family because they’re not bringing in any money. Though the feeling is common, recognize that you do contribute! I am just speaking from my own experience. I went to college and have a degree and now I am home raising my babies—like I hoped to—but, still, the emotions are complicated. At the outset, my husband and I discussed how we wanted to set up our family and our roles, and we have a pretty strict budget to tell our money where to go. I breastfed (free), made my own baby food, used cloth diapers to try to be economical as well as environmentally conscious, homeschooled my children for preschool and went without fancier things. I only note these as things I consciously did to attempt to contribute more to our family by not spending frivolously for our life stage. Keep in mind that we were young parents, so we were just starting out on adult life too.
When my oldest children were about 3 and 1, I met a neighbor who wrote for KC Parent Magazine, and it occurred to me that I could probably do that too. I have always loved writing and was then composing a daily/weekly blog for our family. I emailed the editor just to see whether this would be a possibility, all the while knowing the worst she could say was no. Now, I have been writing for this amazing publication for the past eight years.
As for my photography business, again I had always loved the memories of photos and taking photos, but my children are what spurred the business side of things. Our daughter was a serious baby and would not smile at any photographer, so I started taking our own photos of her. Then, my husband gave me a nice camera for Christmas before our son was born, so I took all of his milestone photos, as well as taking our own family photos. I hesitated to start a business because it felt like all of my friends were photographers too. I didn’t really want to compete and liked supporting their ventures. When we moved out of state, I decided to go for it and see
what would happen because, again, what did I have to lose? Now I have just finished up my fourth year of photographing other families and had my busiest fall yet! There’s something to be said for just going for it and seeing what happens, especially if it’s something you enjoy doing already. This year I also started substitute teaching to earn some money and help out in the school district while staying on my kids’ schedule. The schedule piece is huge for our family because my husband travels about 75 percent of each month, so I am the on-call parent at our house.
Jennifer Willis, mother of four and owner of Stitched on a Tuesday, says she was encouraged to start a business: “I am a hand embroiderer who specializes in stitching handwriting. I didn’t see a market for hand embroidered items, so I gave a lot of my pieces away as gifts. I doubted that people would like my items, but I have some great friends and family in my life that encouraged me to go for it!”
Jenni Shields, mother of three and owner of Evie Pearl Handmade, talks about how she went for it: “I started my business about three years ago. It was shortly after my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. She was starting school full-time, and I was a ball of nerves. I had to find something that I could do to take my mind off of worrying about her at all times. So I channeled my creativity to help me cope. Ever since Evie was a newborn, I have made her bows. It brought me so much joy, so I decided to make them to sell this time. My shop is named after her, Evie Pearl Handmade. When I first started my business, I was so nervous that no one was going to like or, better yet, buy my product. I continued to keep designing and sewing new bows for every holiday. That led me to starting my own Etsy shop, which led me to launching my monthly bow subscription and then designing a beautiful new website! This shop has been the biggest blessing for our family, and I’m so glad that I took a huge leap of faith three years ago when I did. It has continued to grow in ways I never expected.”
The perks for me with my side gigs have been working with people outside of my family, having a sense of pride in my own work, capturing memories for families to be able to keep forever and helping the school district. But the two main ones are being able to still be there for my kids before and after school, as well as bring in some extra money to help our family pay for Christmas, home renovations, vacations, extracurricular activities for the kids and things like that. Shields relates to the flexibility perk and says, “The perks to having my own business are being able to create my own hours. My husband is a firefighter for the city of Lenexa. Having flexible hours was important, so I can care for our three kids.” Willis says, “The most rewarding aspect of my small business has to be the messages I get when I hand stitch loved ones’ handwriting. I do a lot of memory pieces, so there is a lot of emotion to the words that I stitch. Many clients get pretty emotional when they see an old recipe brought back to life or a simple “Love, Mom” stitched in the handwriting they remember from their childhood.”
Emily Hilley, mother of two and owner of Ruby Red Custom Designs, says the
perks for her are “being able to provide for my family and get extra things that we’ve wanted but couldn’t always afford. I also love to create and make special things for people and their families. The most rewarding thing is to see how excited someone is when I’m able to create exactly what they are asking for. Then they use those things during their most special occasions, first birthdays, baby announcements, holidays, etc.” Amy Shackleford, mother of three and coowner of Purpose Play says, “We started our business to provide fun play events for kids. I still remember our first event and being shocked when people showed up. The most rewarding aspect has been the community that we have built through this business and the friendships that have formed.”
The downside of having my own side hustle is that my work as a SAHM can suffer when I am busier than our family is used to. We are still figuring things out like meal planning, cooking, cleaning and running errands or kids to appointments and extracurricular activities. The rest of the family has had to step up and help out much more, or things don’t get done and the house is a mess. Sometimes that’s okay, but sometimes it’s also important to either get help or schedule your own time off to catch up on all the other household tasks. As I’m typing this, there are three baskets of laundry to fold, two baskets to wash, papers to be gone through, meals to plan—the list is never-ending, as we all know. Honestly, sometimes this is a nice reminder for the rest of the family about how much you actually do contribute at home to keep the family running smoothly.
Work-life balance seems to be the biggest hiccup with side hustles and small businesses run by moms, as the following moms can attest to. Christine Rossiter, mother of two and owner of Christine Rossiter Photography, says, “It was great the first few years, but then my work became so popular that it turned into a full-time job and beyond. I was working nonstop because I didn’t want to turn anyone away. So the creative hobby I used to love became a huge chore and took me away from all of my family time. I’m much happier not doing my business anymore. It just snowballed so quickly I couldn’t keep up with the demand and didn’t like how it changed my priorities without me even realizing it.”
Shackleford says, “The pandemic was a huge challenge for us with having to shut down our events. We decided instead of being defeated we would go live on Facebook nightly with fun activities for kids to do. This ended up building a nationwide community. Another challenge had been navigating owning a small business with mom life and other life responsibilities.” Hilley has a similar experience and says, “My biggest challenge has been balancing my personal life. Since it’s something I do out of my home, I’m able to access it 24/7, and I can tend to take advantage of that. I find myself glued to my computer or phone, trying to always make sales and talk to customers. I’m starting to try and figure out the balance.”
Willis says a challenge she faces is “saying ‘No’ to more orders. Every year I have to cut off orders for Christmas, and I hate having to tell someone that their order won’t be ready by the holiday. Everything I do is done by hand, and I can only stitch so fast!” Shields shares, “The downside to having my own business is that I cannot shut my brain off. I go to bed thinking of ideas, new designs, to-dos, future goals and so on!” But I think that’s just the sign of a passionate business owner, and I think we can all relate to wanting more hours in the day or maybe another one of us to help do all the things we need to do!
At the end of the day, I think it’s worth it to see what happens if you have a good idea that you’re passionate about. Poll your family and friends, do a free giveaway and ask for feedback. It’s inspiring for your kids to see you try something new, and the worst thing will be that you’re still a mom to your sweet babies, which is still pretty amazing.
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 11, Mason, 9, and Slade, 6, and feels like a couple of plates are usually wobbling in life these days, but she keeps taking it day by day!
Confidence Boosters for Kids
Kids need to know they can do hard things. As the product of the participation trophy generation, most young parents have the knowledge that endless praise and being awarded for nominal effort tends to backfire. The good news? Building confidence in today’s kids is simpler than we tend to make it. Here are a few ways you can boost your own child’s confidence.
Model Humble Confidence
Self-confidence stems from feeling competent and capable of doing something. One of the best ways to model selfconfidence is through voicing healthy self-speak, especially when dealing with life stress, such as challenging work deadlines or difficult interpersonal relationships. Avoid using words like, “I’ve just never been good at fill-in-the-blank,” as though it were an excuse to avoid hard things. Likewise, don’t beat yourself up for failure or making mistakes. Use honest assessments like, “I’m still learning how to do this, but I’ll get there!” Be willing to try new things and show your kids that it’s never too late to develop new interests, hobbies or passions. The goal isn’t perfection. Watching you struggle, persevere and conquer teaches your children that they are capable of doing the same. Clarify That Mistakes Aren’t a Sign of Failure
After all, mistakes show that someone is trying! Failure isn’t found in not succeeding; true failure is letting fear prevent you from actually trying. Mistakes are inevitable when learning a new skillset. The goal, then, isn’t to avoid a challenge but to embrace the ones that come as a means of learning both perseverance and creative problem solving. This can be hard for parents, as we often want to shield our kids from failure. But giving them the opportunity to learn through their “uh-oh” moments lets them know we think they are capable of figuring things out on their own. Don’t just let them play it safe … encourage them to take risks and learn through the struggle. Overcoming small obstacles builds confidence in kids that encourages them to tackle harder and bigger things.
Praise Effort and Progress
Getting flooded with compliments feels good for a time, but praise falls flat when it isn’t earned and comes too often. “You are so pretty!” or “You’re the best artist ever!” says nothing about accomplishment but everything about personal opinion. Young and old alike can attest that having their effort esteemed is much more valuable. Make sure your praise is specific, sincere and sparing. Avoid making abilityoriented statements like, “You are so good at X-Y-Z.” Instead, highlight how those skills are being used well. By doing so, you clarify the fact that a person and his ability are not synonymous and help break the need for constant people pleasing. More important than skills and talents, make sure to highlight character qualities you see growing in your children, such as empathy, courage or tenacity.
Keep Comparison at Bay
Kids need to know they are loved unconditionally and not on the basis of being as good as or better than someone else. Their value should not be contingent on being as accomplished as a classmate or as talented as a sibling. When we compare our children to an outside source, we send a message that they have yet to earn our favor but will when they are someone they’re not. When providing feedback, both constructive and complimentary, focus on how the child has grown in personal mastery, comparing him to his own past performance, not someone else’s.
Give Exposure to New Opportunities
Some kids find their passion early. But for most, it takes exposure to a lot of different activities before something sticks. Kids that lack self-confidence can be wary of trying new things, but by encouraging them to try their hands at something new, you help them not only build skills but also assurance in their ability to handle new situations and circumstances. Helping your child discover his own interests is a critical part of building his sense of identity, and building identity is crucial to building his self-confidence. Go to a concert series, watch a ball game and participate in a service project together. Even if your child excels in one arena, exploring other opportunities can help him to become more well-rounded.
Make ‘Em Pitch In
Confidence isn’t built solely on talent. One of the biggest contributors is knowing that you are a part of something bigger than yourself. Kids may scoff at household chores, but being responsible for crucial parts of family life gives kids child the sense that what they do matters. It’s not enough to simply focus on homework and extracurriculars. Kids feel more appreciated and connected when their contribution is valued and necessary. Everyone at every age can help make the household run more smoothly: folding and processing laundry, unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, setting the table or feeding the dog. Consult with your kids to divvy out chores. When everyone is ready for a change, mix up who does what chore for variety’s sake. Of course, cleaning up isn’t always fun and games ... but then again, there’s value in learning to do boring and menial work, too!
Let Them Have Some Skin in the Game
Parents have to make executive decisions on behalf of their kids in the interest of safety and well-being all the time. But within those boundaries, children should have the opportunity to make some calls on their own. Just like completing chores, making individual decisions can be empowering and confidence-boosting. Kids can make age-appropriate decisions, such as picking what outfit they wear, what lunch to pack for school or which game they play.
Surround Them with People Worth Emulating
Monkey see, monkey do! Surround your children with people that exemplify positive character qualities and confidence in who they are. This not only means fostering friendships with peers that encourage and uplift your child, but it also means putting positive adult role models in their life as well.
Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe freelance writer and boymom of four who loves encouraging parents with the knowledge that they are the best source for building confident and competent children.
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