Raising Resilient Kids

RAISING

RESILIENT KIDS

Adulthood may be stressful with all its mounting responsibilities, but childhood isn’t exactly a cakewalk either. From homework assignments to standardized testing, making new friends and enduring schoolyard bullies, getting braces put on or getting over the flu, childhood has its fair share of challenges. The key to navigating the normal ups and downs of the human experience, whether young or old, is resiliency. For parents wishing to give their children the world on a string, resiliency seems almost counterintuitive. After all, it can’t be bought, given or worked out on behalf of someone else. It has to be learned through trial and error, wrestled with and earned by the child himself. Because happiness is such a highly regarded ideal, many parents shield their children from situations where there is risk of failure, mistaking comfort for an ultimate end. The problem? Life simply doesn’t work like that.

Parents can’t prevent their children from dealing with struggles, nor can they be one step ahead of them in everything they do. Additionally, parents can’t be there at all times for their kids. So it’s essential that kids gain the skills to learn how to navigate uncertainty through problem solving. Lynn Lyons, psychotherapist and co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children, notes, “When they step into a situation, resilient kids have a sense they can figure out what they need to do and handle what is thrown at them with a sense of confidence.”

Thankfully, resilience, the ability to bounce back from hardship, is not a genetic trait you either inherit or don’t. It can be taught. This can be especially encouraging to anxious parents who are learning how to tolerate uncertainty themselves. Lyons asserts that the inability to handle life’s curveballs is one of the primary reasons anxious parents shield their kids from worst-case scenarios. But by overprotecting their kids, they actually increase their anxiety. Since a child’s brain is not a mini adult brain, but instead one that is malleable and still under construction, it is imperative that parents foster an environment rich with both physical and social wiring instructions. Here are a few ways parents can help their children develop a brain that is flexible and resilient.

Allow Some Risk and Don’t Fight All Your Kids’ Battles for Them

All good parents inherently want to keep their kids safe, but kids are robbed of the opportunity to learn resiliency when all risk is eliminated. It’s essential, then, to view risk as a means of learning. By giving children age-appropriate freedom, they begin to learn what their own limits are. Don’t wait until your child is old enough to obtain her driver’s license to start navigating road safety. Preparation begins when you teach that same child how to ride a bike years before (slow down and look both ways). Not all kids jump at the chance to figure out how to do things on their own. Some kids want a clear cut, simple fix answer. As many adults can attest, life doesn’t always have easy answers. Instead of doling out quick fixes, normalize your children’s concerns and help them navigate a variety of solutions to the problems they are facing. Have a child with test anxiety? Brainstorm strategies for time management and study habits. You aren’t taking the test for him, but by engaging your child in the process of preparation, he is repeatedly figuring out

what works and what doesn’t. Know it’s okay to not have all the answers, too. A simple “I don’t know” followed by flipping the script and asking questions helps kids learn how to process uncertainty and develop ways to navigate potential outcomes on their own.

Allow Your Child to Make Mistakes

Failure isn’t fatal and can oftentimes be a really effective teacher. This can be incredibly hard for perfectionistic or overprotective parents to allow, but failure provides kids the chance to self-correct and make better decisions in the future. For example, if your child has an assignment she has no interest in doing, it can be easy to swoop in and try to “help” so it’s perfect. But a far more valuable lesson happens when a child learns through the consequences of her own choices. Likewise, if a kid forgets his homework at home, he’ll be less inclined to make the same mistake again if he learns the hard way instead of Mom’s running back home and getting it for him.

Teach Them How to Emotionally Self-Regulate

Learning how to manage emotions is a hallmark of resiliency. It’s okay to feel “all the feels,” but it’s important to put emotions in their proper place. Feelings make good co-pilots but horrible drivers. A child has every right to be upset after losing his game or dropping her ice cream cone on the ground. But after those initial feelings are passed, kids need to learn how to navigate what to do next. Remind your child that feelings explain why you want to do what you want to do, but they don’t excuse or justify bad behavior. Powerful emotions can get reactions— both good and bad—from Mom and Dad, so it’s critical that parents learn to respond with patience and consistency. After all, you can’t teach your child how to self-regulate while you yourself are noticeably freaking out. Of course, you’ll inevitably mess up because parenting is hard and requires a lot of practice, but when you make mistakes, own them and apologize. Modeling how to rebound from your own mistakes shows kids perfection isn’t key; grit and authenticity are. Lisa Feldman Barrett, a Harvard neuroscientist and psychologist, suggests that parents frame the act of raising kids to being more like a gardener than a carpenter.

“Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Likewise, parents can sculpt their child into something specific. Gardeners help things to grow on their own by cultivating a fertile landscape. They can provide an environment that encourages healthy growth in whatever direction the child takes. Once you understand what kind of plant you’re growing, you can ‘adjust the soil’ for it to take root and flourish.”

Lauren Greenlee is a recovering perfectionist seeking to raise four resilient boys. She writes from her Olathe home.

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SMART TIPS

TO HELP KEEP YOUR CHILD SAFE

Parenting seems trickier these days, doesn’t it? Opportunities abound for parents to worry—especially about how to keep our kids safe. I think a lot of it is due to the exorbitant amount of information bombarding us from the never-ending news cycle as well as social media. Nostalgia makes us yearn for parenting’s simpler times when we could safely shoo the kids outside and tell them not to come back until the streetlights come on. But we want the simpler times for our own children’s sake too, right? So how do we allow freedom and independence during childhood while still ensuring our children’s safety? Let’s take a look at some tips from other parents craving a more idyllic childhood for their own kids.

Talk about family safety rules early, often and as situations come up.

I have reminded my children since they were young that they were never to go near water without an adult, and every time we saw or walked by ice, I made sure to add they were never to step onto ice without checking with an adult first either. I also explained why, so they would have a better understanding of why that was our rule. Other rules include always wearing a helmet on toys with wheels. We implemented this important rule just as soon as our kids were old enough to toddle along on their Strider balance bikes, around 18 months, so they haven’t known anything different. I am thankful we’ve had this rule in place because my youngest got a concussion from a bike fall when he was 5 years old. I truly think his helmet saved his life. Teach kids how not to get lost and how to find help if they do.

Teach preschoolers your full name and phone number ASAP and teach them to look for a mommy or worker to ask for help if they get lost. I would teach and have my kids practice reciting this information while I pushed them in the stroller or strapped them in their car seats. Those times of undivided attention worked well for them to focus.

Frequent reminders here and there work well to help kids commit this information to memory. We, unfortunately, had an opportunity to implement this lesson once when my middle son, then 3, ran off in the opposite direction at Deanna Rose Children’s Farmstead. Luckily, I had eyes on him, but he instantly panicked and found a mom and told her my name and phone number. This was a teachable moment, and he didn’t want to get lost ever again.

Another idea comes from Michael Houghton, mother of two: “Before my kids had cell phones and we went to a large, highly populated place, I wrote my phone number on their arms with a Sharpie in case we got separated. I also taught them that if that happens, try to find an adult that works there over a random adult. It actually happened at Silver Dollar City when they were 4. It was awful and scary, but we found each other that way.”

Show how and when to talk to strangers. This is one of the trickier things to teach young children. It’s easy to say, “Don’t ever talk to strangers,” and to harp stranger dangers, but what if you also want to teach your children how to be friendly to their neighbors walking their dog by your yard while they’re out playing? I think we all have a gut feeling about who’s safe to give a friendly wave and hello to and who we feel uncomfortable around. I think we have to steer our children into learning how to trust their own instincts a little bit, too. So maybe you encourage your kids to wave at neighbors strolling by when they say hello but to know firmly they are never to approach a stranger’s car or that adults should not ask kids for help.

Keep no secrets.

This is an important lesson to teach and revisit with all children. Lori Tate, mother of three, tells her kids, “No one should ask you to keep secrets from your mom and dad.” She also describes the difference between a surprise and a secret. “A surprise can be told or shared, just not yet. An example being what you got Dad for his birthday or going to a surprise party for someone. They will eventually find out. It doesn’t stay a secret for forever.”

Establish that kids can say no to an adult and have agency over their own bodies.

This is also a tricky one in today’s climate because we want our children both to respect authority but to also have agency over their own bodies. If they feel uncomfortable around an adult, they should be able to safely let you know any time. This includes having the right to decline giving a relative a hug if they don’t want to without it making a scene. This leads into our next tip.

Teach children proper body awareness.

Children should know the proper names of all body parts, including private parts. It’s also wise to remind them that no one is to touch any body part that would be covered by their swimsuit. I would often mention this during the kids’ bath times that only Mommy can wash them to take care of them and then sometimes a doctor, with Mommy’s permission, will have to check to make sure their body is staying healthy. I would remind them of this before well check visits to the doctor, too, so they knew what to expect. Regularly discussing these lessons calmly in a matter-of-fact way is a foundation for safety. Then, on top of that, discuss how they should absolutely tell Mom or Dad if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable and that they would not get in trouble because they are kids and adults will be held responsible.

Teach children risk management.

Children are mostly born curious and reckless, which, for kids, is all sorts of thrilling, but for parents can be more like heart stopping. Children need to learn how to assess risk on their own now to help them later in life, though. For example, when children are younger, they may decide it’s worth the possibility of falling out of a tree to experience the views and sense of accomplishment from climbing it. They may also decide the possibility of wiping out and getting a scraped knee is more than worth the fun of pulling their roller blade wearing siblings by jump rope behind their bike. (Don’t ask how I know!) Definitely encourage kids to think about what will happen or how they would handle different situations that could happen. Guide them with specifics: That hill looks steep, so make sure to brake slowly the entire time. This campfire is hot and will burn you if you get too close. This knife is sharp, so be sure to cut carefully. Specifics are more effective than a generic, “Be careful!”

Understand what to do in the event of an emergency.

Kids need to be aware of what constitutes an emergency and what to do if they’re ever in one. From housefires and weather events to someone’s getting hurt, kids should know where to go and how to call for help. It’s wise to make a fire plan and to practice how to safely get out in different scenarios, where to meet and how to call 911. Make sure to test the smoke alarms when your children are home, so they recognize that sound if there’s a fire. I recently had a health scare where I randomly passed out after putting my kids to bed while my husband was traveling for work. Luckily, I came to enough to call for my son and instruct him how to call for help. I ended up going to the ER and, thankfully, being fine, but it was a good reminder that we need to keep reviewing with kids what to do in case something like that happens again.

Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart, but it’s always worth the extra effort to raise and enjoy safe kids—even if you do end up with a few broken bones along the way.

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Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 12, Mason, 10, and Slade, 7, and has been through a variety of scenarios (stitches, glue, ER visits, broken collarbone, broken arm and concussion, to name a few) trying to keep her three kids safe.

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GREAT AMERICAN MAIN STREETS

IN THE KANSAS CITY AREA

Imagine a leisurely day of shopping and dining at locally owned businesses where you are greeted with a smile. Does it seem like a distant memory of years gone by? With the revitalization of historic shopping districts in recent years, many areas have been transformed into beautiful places to live, work and play, bringing the Great American Main Street back to life. Hosting farmers markets, girls nights out, holiday events, sales and great boutiques and cafes for an “any day getaway,” these districts make a wonderful day trip, and we’re fortunate to have many right in our own backyard.

HISTORIC LEAVENWORTH

Famous for its prisons and the military fort bearing its name, Leavenworth, “the First City in Kansas,” is also a fun and nostalgic day trip courtesy of Leavenworth Main Street. Begin with a visit to the C.W. Parker Carousel Museum, one of the most whimsical sites in Kansas. Learn the history of Parker’s carousel business from hand-carved horses to the introduction of aluminum animals, and conclude with a spin on a 1913 carousel! Take a historic tour on the Leavenworth Trolley and let the kids ring the bell at the end of the ride. Eat at Pullman Place Family Restaurant, decorated with railroad memorabilia, including a special glass top table with a model train running inside! The district is also home to many shops and boutiques, including the unique Queen’s Pantry, selling British goods like fine teas, cookies and delicacies. In addition to these stops, you’ll find book stores, antique shops, boutiques, a toy store and more in downtown Leavenworth.

HISTORIC DOWNTOWN OVERLAND PARK

Downtown Overland Park is one of the most eclectic districts in the area with a strong celebration of the arts, including the Art Deco Rio Theatre, one of Kansas’ original movie theaters, that shows independent films. For lunch, the district boasts diversity, too. You can enjoy a variety of restaurants all under one roof at Strang Hall where chef-driven restaurants offer a grown-up food court experience. Another delicious favorite is El Salvadoreño where you can enjoy an authentic El Salvadoran feast. Learn something new at the Culinary Center of Kansas City, offering more than 450 classes from gourmet cooking to beginning skills for all ages. Other fun shops include the General Store, the Tasteful Olive and Penzeys, a spice shop.

DOWNTOWN LEE’S SUMMIT

The Downtown Lee’s Summit shopping district is one of the most vibrant in the area. Start with a discovery of the area’s history at the Lee’s Summit Historical Society Museum, housed in a 1905 train depot in the heart of downtown. The area offers restaurants ranging from upscale to the local diner, but kids’ favorites are Poppy’s Ice Cream, serving homemade ice cream, and the Filling Station BBQ, housed in an old Texaco station, with indoor or sidewalk dining. Of course, the day isn’t complete without shopping. Visit KD’s Books, the quintessential bookstore for kids. If you love to cook, stop by A Thyme for Everything, a kitchen shop with all your cooking needs. At Embers Candle Bar, you can create your own scented candle. Mindgames and Magic is the ultimate game shop for RPG and board game fans. For fun, head to Arcade Alley where you can play old-school video games. In addition to these stops, you’ll find a variety of other shops and restaurants. Independence is best known as the home of President Truman. Make a visit to the Harry S. Truman Library & Museum, one of 15 presidential libraries in the United States. The museum underwent a marvelous renovation and reopened just over a year ago. The new exhibits capture the story of Truman and his presidency, and visitors read, listen, watch, look and relive (through film and interactive displays) key moments in American history. Cinematic films are shown throughout the museum previewing the various exhibits and setting the stage for the stories they tell. In addition to the museum, you may also visit the Truman Home. Before Truman, the Civil War was raging and, before that, pioneers moving! Step back in time with a mule-drawn wagon ride on the Independence Square, courtesy of Pioneer Trails Adventures.

Your guide will tell tales of the trails, the Civil War and, of course, Harry Truman. After your tour, enjoy shopping and dining or a movie or game of bowling. Two of the square’s most unique shops are Blue and Grey, selling Civil War books and collectibles, and Scandinavia Place, with gifts from around the world. For a delicious treat, visit Clinton’s Soda Fountain, the location of the original Crown Drug Store, Truman’s first boyhood employer. Or, dine below street level at the Courthouse Exchange, where rock walls create a cozy atmosphere as you enjoy pub-style dining.

HISTORIC DOWNTOWN LIBERTY

Historic Downtown Liberty is legendary for history buffs and shoppers alike! The most infamous landmark is the Jesse James Bank Museum, site of America’s first daylight bank robbery. Take a brunch break at Ginger Sue’s Bruncheonette. Visit the James Country Mercantile, selling supplies for historic reenactors, including 19th-century gear, clothing, toys, paper dolls, books and more! In addition to these sites, you’ll find a variety of stores selling clothing, books, antiques, artisan foods, toys, gifts and more.

Each district in this guide is home to many unique attractions, and this list barely scratches the surface! Search “Day Trips” on KCParent. com to discover many more attractions in each district and other Main Streets in Missouri and Kansas.