12 minute read
Successful marriages
Keith and Jennifer Lane are both professors in the BYU-Hawaii Religion department. They have been married for 26 years. They met and married when they were students, and both received their doctorate degrees in religion. Jennifer’s emphasis is the history of Christianity, and Keith’s emphasis is philosophy of religion and theology.
Kenneth Peters, a recent alumnus from Laie, and Zabrina Peters, a freshman from California majoring in elementary education, have been married for eight years. They have five young children, aging from five months to 8-years-old, and they are both Samoan.
Merlin Waite, the bishop of Laie Married Students’ Fourth Ward, and his wife, Maria Waite, have been married for 27 years. They have four sons and three daughters. They are both alumni of the BYUH and both educators. They met here at the BYUH when they were attending a Hawaiian Chapter activity and had their first child at the TVA.
KE ALAKA’I Job Akau, a sophomore from the Solomon Islands majoring in TESOL education, and Trempty Akau, a sophomore from the Solomon Islands majoring in social work, have been married for 13 years and have three sons.
Four couples share the secrets of their happy marriages
By Serena Dugar Ioane Four couples with ties to BYU–Hawaii, Merlin and Maria Waite, Jennifer and Keith Lane, Job and Trempty Akau, and Kenneth and Zabrina Peters, shared their wisdom from their marriages to young couples and singles. They highlighted communication skills, spiritual habits, recreational activities, self-care, gratitude, selflessness, and the importance of prioritizing one’s spouse. The beginning is always hard
“Don’t be surprised to find out that marriage is very hard,” said Keith Lane. “It takes a lot of work and effort to make it work.”
Religion Associate Professor Keith Lane said he invites everyone to read the biography of President and Sister Kimball. “The first few weeks of their marriage, Sister Kimball [says she] cried almost every day. They are good people, but getting used to each other is that hard. It is important to understand that you are not against each other, but you are on the same side.”
BYUH freshman from California majoring in elementary education, Zabrina Peters, said, “The hardest time of our marriage was the very beginning. Adjusting to married life is very difficult, and we fought a lot over little things. When we got married, I got pregnant right away, and it made it even harder. However, after a few years, everything got smoother.”
Bishop of the Laie Married Student Fourth Ward Merlin Waite said marriage can be hard, but couples have to work at it, instead of doing an easy blame game. “Rather than finding fault in each other, try to find the good in each other and encourage to do good without nagging,” he said.
Life is challenging, so when people get married, they should prepare their mind for mental toughness, according to Job Akau, a sophomore from the Solomon Islands majoring in TESOL. He counseled, “Every day, there will be different challenges to make you stronger. Get to know each other more and be ready to grow together.”
Communication
A BYUH alumus Kenneth Peters said he has become much better at communicating his feelings since he got married. “If something bothers me, I have to discuss it with my wife and squash it as fast as possible and move on. It is better to be more open to each other.”
Job Akau said the secret to he and his wife’s successful marriage is their constant effort to understand each other. “My parents used to fight a lot, and it created negative vibes in our home and was very difficult for me. So I promised myself I will never let my marriage to be like that. “Getting angry is a choice, so when someone insults you, just let it pass. When my wife gets angry, I try to remain calm to avoid conflict. If the problem was not that big of a thing, we just pretend as if nothing happened.”
Trempty Akau. a sophomore also from the Solomon Islands majoring in social work, said, “Sometimes we have hiccups in our relationship mostly because of how to discipline our boys, but we try to solve it as fast as possible. We trust each other and do not tell what to do all the time.”
When something bothers Maria Waite, Bishop Waite’s wife, she said she becomes quiet and cleans the house or finds something to distract her. Once she calms down, she said she finds whatever she was upset about was no big deal. “It is up to you to make something abig deal and let it fester or just simply let it go. Ask yourself, ‘In the long run, are you really going to affect that little thing to your marriage?’”
Most of the things that happen in people’s daily lives are not worth hurting their relationships with their loved ones, according to Merlin Waite. “Learn to let it go and treasure your marriage. Even bigger things should pass. Don’t let them escalate and grow into something ugly. Don’t let anything hurt your marriage.”
The Waites said while their marriage is not perfect, they never argue and yell at each other. “We talk about it later if we think it is worth to talk. We found that most of the time it is not even worth talking,” he said.
When children grow older, other communication problems arise, according to Maria Waite. She shared, “We decided that only one of us would do the talking if our children did something wrong. We think one is enough. But if they repeat [their error], the other one will do the disciplining.
“Back up each other all the time, so kids will learn that they cannot play you two against each other because we always take the same side. Also teaching them to be respectful from a young age will make things a whole lot easier.”
Create a common culture together
Dean Jennifer Lane said there will always be inevitable differences in marriage. “Even though we are from the same country, every
family has different cultures. Somethings that are important to one family won’t be important for another family. Things that one family does are not acceptable for the other family.
“The first few years of marriage were hard due to differences, but we gradually built a shared culture. It takes a lot of effort, time, patience, forgiveness, but it’s possible.” Akau said even though he and his wife are both from the Solomon Islands, he is a Polynesian descendant, and she is of Melanesian descent. They grew up speaking different languages and lived in different cultures. When they got married, Pidgin English became their common language, and they decided to build their own unique family culture. Spiritual habits
Keith Lane said the key to a successful marriage is to be founded on the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. From the perspective of the Church of Jesus Christ, marriage is a very sacred thing that unites two disciples of Christ. Jennifer Lane agreed with her husband’s words, and she said sharing the same faith has helped them to have a happy marriage.
“Our Heavenly Father and the Savior want us to succeed in our marriage and are willing to help us. We always make sure we have time to pray and read scriptures together every day. Also going to the temple and serving in the Church together is an essential part of our marriage.”
Husband
Wife
She explained these things invite the Holy Spirit and having the Spirit with them makes it easier to be kind, forgiving, and patient, which are important characteristics to have in marriage. “We are both imperfect and still learning, so doing things that invite the Spirit makes a big difference and bring us closer together.” Keith Lane shared, “I admire my wife’s absolute commitment to do the right thing, and to be someone who God wants her to be.”
When things get harder, always remember the promises of temple marriage, according to Jennifer Lane. “Hoping and trusting in those promises will be an anchor of marriage. Hope helps us to keep trying and keep changing. If we stay on the path and get closer to the Lord, we will get closer to each other as well. If we stayed married, we will be the best versions of ourselves in the future. Keep going forward together and do progress.”
Doing spiritual activities together as family can be difficult when children are young, but it’s important, according to Marlin Waite. He said his family strives to be faithful by praying together, serving in the Church, and studying the scriptures as a family, especially the “Come Follow Me” curriculum. He said they do scripture study every day, even when they struggled at the beginning with young children.
Prioritize your spouse
“Your spouse is the most important. Who is right is not important, but what is right is important,” said Merlin Waite. “So many things can be said and done. Learn to let go and concentrate on keeping your relationship strong.” Kenneth Peters said with a smile, “People joke ‘Happy wife, happy life,’ but it’s true. Always make sure your wife is happy. If your wife is happy, 10 out of 10, you will be happy too. Every day, make your wife laugh.”
Violence in marriage never works, said Job Akau. He cautioned, “All husbands need to have a strong commitment that no matter how angry they are, or no matter how bad the things their wives [may] have done, physical abuse must not be an option.”
Do things together
Jennifer Lane explained “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” mentioned the importance of wholesome recreational activities to build a happy family. Having similar interests
and enjoying doing things together is an important part of marriage. “We don’t have everything in common, but we both like birdwatching, walking, and hiking together.”
Maria Waite said, “We do a lot of things together as a couple and as a family. My husband has most of the callings and work, so we help him doing his callings, building houses, fixing cars, and many more to train our children for different skills. We also do a lot of service together.”
Don’t be selfish
Zabrina Peters said, “People think that marriage requires 50 percent, [meaning] 50 percent effort from both sides, but in reality, creating a happy marriage requires both spouse’s 100 percent effort. We do little services, such as letting each other take naps, make dishes, and so on, instead of being materialistic. We don’t give expensive gifts to each other on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.”
Even when things are hard, Zabrina Peters said their children are their biggest motivation. “When you know that someone is depending on you, it changes you faster than anything. In marriage, people grow much faster than being single, but with kids, you grow even more. We grow together a lot as individuals and parents.” Having a successful marriage is a team effort. “Once you’re married, it is no longer ‘I’. It is always ‘we’. You work for the benefit of your family. Some days will be tiring. Some days will be hard, but if you work together, you will get through it,” said Maria Waite.
Kenneth Peters said keeping a focus on family can make everything easier. “I focus on what should be done to keep the house and family in order, instead of focusing on what I like to do or don’t like to do. It makes everything smoother. We always try to keep our house as clean as possible. It makes everyone happier.”
Self-care
While your family should be your priority, don’t forget to also take care of yourself. Zabrina Peters shared, “Self-care is definitely one of the vital parts of marriage. We take turns to exercise. I like to do CrossFit, and my husband likes to go to the gym. I exercise on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5 a.m., and other days he does.”
Kenneth Peters said it is helpful to find something that keep you grounded mentally and physically. “When you are in a better place both mentally and physically, you can be better used for your family. If you are not dealing with things in a correct way, you may take it out on your spouse and children who didn’t do anything to deserve it.
Trempty Akau said, “My husband likes to go to gym. Even though sometimes I need his help, I let him go. It helps him to be healthier and be in a good mood.”
Be thankful
Maria Waite shared, “There is no such thing as a perfect marriage but being grateful and working hard together can make it close to perfect. Always be thankful to your spouse. If you actively looking for what good your spouse has, you will find countless things.
“Saying sincere thank you’s for everything, even smaller things like opening a door, will make your spouse feel appreciated. It will cast out the negative attitudes and bring positive vibes at home.”
Advice for single individuals
Jennifer Lane said if you are faithful to God, you will receive the blessings that God promised. “As an individual, do things that invite the Holy Spirit. When you are with the Spirit, you will be happy. If you are a happy person, full of love and light, other people want to be around you. Then, it will be easier to make friends, which leads to marriage. Being friendly and being your best self will help you to find a good spouse.
“No need to panic, despair, and be discouraged. Everyone has a different journey in this life. Have hope in God’s promises and trust in His timing. Be active and participate in activities and do things you love. Find people who enjoy doing the same things. That is how I met with my husband. Don’t be sad and stuck. Keep moving forward.”
Zabrina Peters said, “I learned from a devotional one of the reasons why some of the single girls don’t marry is they like to be chased. If you like someone, just push down your pride and give him a chance. Be friendly with everyone and socialize with other singles. That is how my husband and I met.”
Kenneth Peters counseled, “Find a good match who has the same standards as you physically, spiritually, and who appreciate the things you appreciate. Someone on the same level and enjoyable to spend time together. Don’t be afraid to do the first move. If they say no, move on. There are still plenty of singles out there.”
Graphics by Sadie Scadden
