Teens, Tweens & Screens

Why Boundaries Are So Important with Devices

As I travel across the country speaking, I have the wonderful pleasure of getting to know many parents and teachers. One of the things I have always found so interesting is a teacher’s use of boundaries in the classroom. Although it varies from teacher to teacher, most every teacher will tell you that, if you do not establish firm boundaries the first week of school, students will be inclined to take advantage of looser guidance. Sometimes this can result in a bit of chaos.

The same principal applies in the home. Children tend to thrive in environments where there are clear, concise boundaries. And while it is THEIR job to test our boundaries, it is OUR job to maintain them. With today’s access to devices and social media, boundaries are more important than ever. So what might this look like in your home when it comes to setting boundaries around social media? Here are a few tips I have recommended to parents over the years.

1) Maintain empathy for your teen.

As a general rule, the current parent generation did not grow up with the outstanding amount of social media peer pressure our children are facing today. Having empathy for your child in this space will help show them that, while you will maintain boundaries to keep them safe, you empathize with what they are experiencing. Sometimes just admitting you will never know how they feel, that it must be incredibly hard to maintain the balance between social media and friends, helps them to feel seen and heard.

2) Allow for natural consequences.

This is hard. We never want to see our children fail, but failure is an incredibly important component to growth. While we want boundaries that will protect them from serious harm, we also do not want to lock them down so much that they never learn how to recover from failure. This may look like extra device time, or an app that you have approved. If they do not operate within the boundaries that you set for the device time or app, then a natural consequence could be to have the time decrease or the app removed.

3) Keep the bigger picture in mind. In

our home, if my sons are listening to music on an approved app that has some explicit language, I am okay with that. That is not a hard boundary in our home. I have also found that allowing this liberty has given my sons the freedom to want to listen to their music while in the car with me. This has created many, many opportunities for us to have open conversations about what they are listening to. Hard boundaries in our home lie more in what they are posting and saying online. Our boundaries/rules are: Do not post anything unkind, rude, or inappropriate. And they know what each of these are defined by. So for us, the big picture isn’t so much the music they are listening to but how they are treating others online. Our “give” in the music area helps them feel they are not incredibly locked down and that they have a small win. This is just an example, and all parents have to decide what works best for their family.

4) Always be firm and consistent.

much harder times in life. But as parents, it is also that constant resistance we get from them that makes us…well…tired. And more prone to give in. This leads to confusion and even more push back from your child. Having clear, concise, set boundaries with consequences will give you peace…and your child guidance on what they can and cannot do.

5) Last, and so important...

Respect THEIR boundaries. During

conferences, I ask kids to name the number one thing they would ask their parents to stop doing online. Without fail they always say: STOP posting pictures of them without their permission. Ask your child before you post something with their image. This shows that you respect their boundaries, and will lead to a more trusting relationship.

Further, if you allow your child to have social media, please do not “comment” under their posts. This embarrasses them and, honestly, drives them crazy. We should definitely MONITOR what they are doing, but comments need to be left to private and in person. Like I tell parents all the time, kids have their own social media lane…Facebook is our old person lane. And that is okay! We should all stay in our lanes. It sure does make for healthier, happier boundaries.

As always, if you need support or have questions, I am here!

Kristi Bush serves as a national education consultant and social media safety advocate. She is a licensed social worker with greater than 15 years of clinical practice and health care experience. She attended Troy and Auburn University where she studied social work and counseling. Kristi travels nationally and has spoken with thousands of children, parents, professionals and organizations about the benefits and threats associated with social media. You may reach Kristi through her website at www.knbcommunications.com.

If you’re like most people, January found you energized and ready to do anything necessary to start a new fitness routine in the new year. And if you’re like most people, by February, your motivation vanishes along with the cookies you swore you wouldn’t eat. Studies show only four percent of people who join a gym in January step foot in that gym in February.

If you are one of the many who wanted this year to be different, there’s no way around it. You’re going to have to work for it. But there are three things you can do before you even lace up your sneakers to lay a foundation for success.

1| Find Your Why

You’d be surprised how easy it is to figure out how you’re going to commit to your fitness journey when you know why you embarked on the mission in the first place. Ask yourself why you want to get in shape. Then ask again. And again… Maybe even once again. You’ll know when you’re done. Once you get over the awkwardness of having a conversation with yourself, you might be surprised how powerful your “why” is. The conversation might go something like this:

Why do you want to get fit? Because I want my jeans to fit better.

Why do you want your jeans to fit better? So I can feel good about myself.

Why do you want to feel good about yourself? Because I want to be confident.

Why do you want to be confident? I want to be a role model for my daughters. Why do you want to get fit? Because my doctor said I’m pre-diabetic and I want to live a long, healthy life

Why do you want to live a long, healthy life? Because I want to see my kids grow up.

Why do you want to see your kids grow up? Because I love them and I want to share in their joys, sorrows, and adventures.

Or maybe it will sound more like this:

Why do you want to be fit? Because I want to try my first triathlon

Why do you want to do a triathlon? To see if I have the strength and endurance to do it.

Why do you want to see if you have the strength and endurance to do it? Because if I can finish a triathlon, I can do anything I set my mind to.

It may not be easy to keep peeling back the layers on your “why.” But the cliché is true— nothing worthwhile is easy. Once you’re crystal clear about the source of your desire, it becomes a million times easier to say no to the snooze button or girls night, and say yes to your workout— and yourself— instead.

2| Have a Measurable Goal

I love fitness. As an Ironman triathlete, an avid runner, a running coach, a spin instructor and an all-around fitness geek, it’s fair to say I am obsessed with fitness. But I can’t support a goal of simply “getting fit.” The same goes for “getting in shape” or “toning up.”

Fitness goals must be objective and measurable. In other words, you should be able to attach numbers and dates to them.

If you have a weight loss goal, make sure it includes a number of pounds and a date. “Lose weight” becomes a long-term goal of “Lose twenty pounds by December 31st.” Once you have a long-term goal, add a few short-term goals to keep you motivated and to provide benchmarks of your progress.

Short-term goals might be: • Lose two pounds by March first. • Lose ten pounds by July first.

Say your goal is to complete an event, such as your first triathlon. “I will finish a triathlon” is a measurable, objective goal, for sure. But making it as specific as possible optimizes your chance for success. Choose a specific race, put it in on your calendar, and “finish a triathlon” becomes a long-term goal of “complete the local sprint triathlon, which requires a 300-yard pool swim, a 10-mile bike ride, and a 5k run, on August 14th.”

Short-term goals might be: • Swim 50 yards without stopping by March first. • Bike eight miles and run one mile immediately after without stopping by July first.

Thinking of your fitness goal in measurable terms lets you determine where you need to be each month, each week, and each day to achieve it.

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“A failure to plan is a plan to fail.” Benjamin Franklin knew this was true way before we dreamed of holding tiny computers with calendars, alarm clocks, and timers in the palms of our hands. As all successful people know, what gets on the calendar gets accomplished.

Treat your workout time as you would any other appointment. Create an event on your Outlook or Google calendar, pencil it into your planner, or create an alert on your phone 20 minutes in advance. Do whatever works for you to carve out the time.

If you’re having trouble keeping your workout appointments, try a different approach. In her book, Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives, author and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin classifies most people as what she calls “obligers.” Obligers find it much easier to follow through on a commitment to a friend, than to themselves. While most of us would easily hit snooze and skip the 7 am spin class, we’d never stand up the friend we promised to meet at the gym.

There’s no shame relying on external accountability to help establish a new habit. You could start by:

• Finding a friend, neighbor, or co-worker to work out with. • Attending classes at a group fitness studio with a strict cancellation policy. It’s hard to skip a workout you’ve already paid for • Joining a group fitness studio, running club, cycling club, masters swim team or hiking group for the community aspect. You won’t want to deal with the FOMO when you skip a workout. • Becoming a member of an online accountability group. Or, gather your likeminded friends and create one yourself. • Hiring a personal trainer.

Before you give up on fitness—or better yet, before you buy that fancy workout tracker and the pricey yoga pants—ask yourself the hard questions. Being honest with yourself about your fitness goals will pay dividends over the long haul as far as keeping you on your fitness path. Because once you know your Why, your What, and your When, the question of How becomes a whole lot easier to answer.

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