Emerge 3

TODAY Become a stronger, more confident, independent you!

ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE NOW LIFE OVER 35

Issue 3, 2014

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TODAY

Issue 2, 1014 www.emerge-today-mag.com

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The Vanishing woman

a

healthy sex life at any age!

No men or women over the age of 50 would argue that their sex life is just the same as it was when they were 20.

Maybe it’s better.

Maybe it’s worse.

But either way, it’s bound to be different.

j

ust as the body changes with age, so does sexuality. This physical transformation usually includes declining hormone levels for both men and women, as well as changes in neurology and circulation. These shifts often lead to a variety of sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness. A wide array of medical treatments are now available to address these and other conditions.

Outward appearances also change with age, sometimes bringing a decline in selfconfidence in the sexual arena. Nearly everyone experiences some of these changes. But they don’t spell the end of a sex life for most older people.

Both physical and emotional issues can interfere with a good sex life. Sometimes they intertwine, causing breakdowns in communication and inhibitions that cause sexuality to sputter and stall.

But these are not problems you must live with. Instead, treatments are available that can improve if not cure most physical problems.

Self-help techniques and counseling can bring relief to relationship problems. By shifting your focus away from your perceived flaws to your attributes, you can boost your self-esteem and establish your own standards for attractiveness.

Think back on what it was that made you attractive in your younger years. Was it your soulful brown eyes, your crooked smile, or maybe your infectious laugh? Chances are, those qualities are still as appealing as ever. Also, try directing your attention to the experience of giving and receiving pleasure during sex. This can help you find the confidence to give yourself over to the experience.

Great sex is often the outgrowth of a deep emotional connection — something that’s not guaranteed by having a perfect body. A negative self-image isn’t always rooted in your appearance.

Career setbacks or other disappointments can lead to feelings of failure and depression, both of which sap desire. For men, episodes of impotence can undercut confidence in their manhood.

No matter what its cause, a poor self-image can take a toll on your sex life. When performance anxiety develops as a result, it can spark a downward spiral of repeated sexual failure and diminishing self-esteem. Correcting this problem demands serious attention to its origin.

Many of the physical changes that come with age have noticeable effects on the sex organs and the sexual cycle.

Thus, the careful lovemaking of a 70-something couple may bear little resemblance to the lusty pairings of 20-year-olds. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Greater experience, fewer inhibitions, and a deeper understanding of your needs and those of your partner can more than compensate for the consequences of aging.

The physical changes of aging can provide an impetus for developing a new and satisfying style of lovemaking.s

3

WAYS TO PROTECT YOURSELF IN A DIVORCE

BY MARGARET KLAW

As a family lawyer practicing for the better part of three decades, I know that ending a marriage is never easy. But you can maximize your chances for a good outcome, both financially and emotionally, if you keep these three things in mind as you’re facing divorce…

1.

First, and way out front of anything else: Have a job. Have a job that pays enough so you can cover your basic living expenses.

Although this advice is technically gender neutral, I’m directing it, unabashedly, at women. As a divorce lawyer, I see so many women– often with college and graduate degrees–who stopped working when their children were small and never went back.

They usually intended to, but then there was a second child, and maybe a third, and their comfort level with life as a full-time mom grew at the same time as their professional skills receded into the past. At age 45 or 50 they wake up and realize they are living in a state of complete financial dependence on their husbands.

Unless the aforementioned husbands are very wealthy, this is a recipe for disaster. You just can’t divide up one income stream and have it support two households without a significant drop in everyone’s living standard. And how do you navigate the difficulties of an unhappy marriage when any thinking you try to do about what would be best for you and your kids is completely intertwined with a sickening fear of not being able to pay the bills?

By contrast, women who can support themselves are able to think about divorce entirely differently. They may be unhappy, but they feel they have choices. There is just no question that money is power and the power dynamic in divorces where one person is financially dependent on the other is dramatically different from those where both spouses have the ability to pay the rent.

2.

Second, assemble a support team. Divorce is rough. Don’t go it alone. You need people to help you deal with various aspects of the process. Obviously, you need a good lawyer, which is not synonymous with a “pit-bull” (the current lawyer-as-animal metaphor of choice, which seems to have replaced “shark” in the lexicon.) Hire a lawyer who is experienced in family law, who really listens to you, who explains things in a way you can understand, and who takes the approach to your divorce – because it is your divorce – that you want. A good family lawyer should have in her professional toolkit the range of skills to handle all types of divorces, from the we-worked-it-out-ourselves-at-the-kitchen-table type to the protracted courtroom battle; in other words, she should be able to dial it up from soft-touch to pit-bull and down again, depending on the circumstances.

Your lawyer is only one member of the team. His job is to deal with the legal issues in a sensitive manner, but don’t expect him to address the emotional ones. In fact, your lawyer is an extremely expensive, and wholly unqualified, shoulder to cry on. You need friends, family, and possibly a therapist or coach to help you with the emotional side.

Other professionals who might be helpful are accountants, financial advisors, and child psychologists. And maybe a good yoga instructor or massage therapist. Cover your legal, financial, and emotional bases.

3.

Third, approach your divorce in the least adversarial manner possible.

Protect your psyche and your pocketbook. I have never–really, in 28 years of practice, never– had a person contemplating divorce sit in my office and tell me he wants to fight over everything, wants to go to court, and wants to spend as much money on legal fees as possible. To the contrary, everyone says they want an amicable, low-cost divorce.

Sometimes it’s not an option, perhaps because positions are so far apart there’s no way to reconcile them, or perhaps because there’s a history of domestic violence or mental illness or substance abuse or serious breaches of trust, all of which can make good faith negotiation inappropriate or impossible.

But if there is the possibility of working things out with your spouse, either directly, with the help of a mediator, by using a method called collaborative divorce where the parties and their lawyers agree not to litigate, or by negotiation between lawyers, do it. Be a grown-up and take charge. Handing over to a stranger in a black robe the power to make decisions about the most intimate aspects of your life should be a last resort. In the courtroom, someone wins and someone loses and the adversarial nature of the process can destroy every last modicum of goodwill between you and your spouse. Which is particularly important if you have children whom you are going to have to coparent for many years to come. What’s it worth to your kids for you and your ex to be able to sit next to each other at a basketball game or high school graduation or wedding? From what I hear, pretty much everything. But even if you don’t have children, the scorched earth model is outdated; it’s usually unnecessary, always expensive, and just plain feels bad. Try for the good divorce first.

Margaret Klaw is the author of “Keeping It Civil: The Case of the Pre-nup and the Porsche & Other True Accounts From the Files of a Family Lawyer“

But, wait, why are there so many darn obstacles on the way to your goal?

Anyone who’s dared to dream knows that the initial excitement will eventually be met with some form of obstacle or resistance. So, how do you move past these roadblocks on the path to your dream?

The first step is to recognize that a roadblock is not a dead end.

When a challenge arises, it’s important to keep a positive mindset and not to give up.

After all, a detour on the way to work wouldn’t keep you from getting to your end destination. So why would you let a detour on the path to your dream keep you from reaching your aspirations?

Today I’m going to share the 3 most common obstacles people encounter when dream building and how to recognize these culprits and move past them.

This way, when you encounter an obstacle you can say, “Out of my way! I’m on course for my dream life!“ Viva la dream building!

The 3 Biggest Obstacles to Achieving Your Dream & 3 Solutions

Fear, doubt, and worry are like leeches to your dream.

The ego will keep you fearful of change. It will tell you all the reasons why you can’t reach your goal. Its job is to protect you in a safe little cocoon and therefore it will resist any form of growth and expansion in your life.

When you feel fear and anxiety creeping up, you’ll need to step out of that thought pattern. Take a deep breath and begin to focus on the “why” of your dream.

Why is it that this dream is important to you? When your “why” is big enough, the how will appear.

Ask yourself, what’s one step you can take from where you are right now, with what you have, to move toward your goal?

Your dream vision will unfold one step at a time. Even the longest journey begins with just one step. What one step can you take now?

Distractions can keep you stuck in a rut. Have you ever started on a priority but you look around and there’s the laundry or there’s a pile of mail you haven’t gone thru?

Then you notice there’s that drawer you wanted to clean out, or you get a call from a friend and instead of letting it go to voice mail you pick up and spend an hour chitchatting with her, or you check your email or get on Facebook?

These distractions can keep you on a permanent detour from getting to your dream!

Achieving your dream is going to require focus and effort.

Set aside time regularly to work toward your aspirations.

Treat this time as a VIP priority. Make sure you turn off all distractions. Put your phone on silent and close your email application.

Think of distractions as your archenemy in the field of your dreams.

Remember the importance of achieving your goal as you create your vision. If any distractions start to pop up, remember what they are and that you can make a choice of how to deal with them.

Most people want a life that’s warm, fuzzy and filled with fulfillment. Yet we go through life blaming our circumstances for the life we have, not realizing we are responsible for co-creating life with our thoughts and words.

Whether we are stuck in the past, seeing nothing at all ahead, or envisioning a dazzling future– all are equal in producing our reality. If we are dissatisfied yet do nothing to change, we will continue to live a mediocre life at best.

Take responsibility for creating the life you want. You are the leading lady of your own life. Do the work to “know” what you want and “choose” those things. You are in the driver’s seat to create the life you love. You can move out of victim mentality, out of feeling stuck, and out of being irresponsible for life’s outcomes. You can choose to move into responsibility, possibilities, personal power and limitless opportunities.

It’s time to get in the driver’s seat and take control of your destination. You must identify and harness the power, control and responsibility for your thoughts and actions so you can be empowered to create the life you love.

Here’s to staying on track on the path to your dream. You CAN do it! I believe in you. Happy visioning!s

by Lonni Lattie

DEAR

SOMETHING ME

In some respects, it’s cringe-worthy. Most of my 30′s were a blur of Diet Cokes, Venti skinny lattes and Triscuits with several handfuls of candy to boot. I worked out like a fiend and paid little attention to what I ate.

Low calorie, high quantity was my M.O.

the should haves, could haves, would haves, but in retrospect, it’s almost better knowing what I know now, and managing to rock my first year in the 40′s category.

It’s even apparent in my face in pictures with my daughter. You can read how worried I was about the dress I was wearing instead of taking a moment to capture all the love I have for my very own Sweet Caroline.

Stop eating out of boxes.

If I had to summarize my advice to Thirty something Me, it would go like this:

The food-like offerings in neat little packages I used to gorge myself on are so riddled with crap I would hav e been better The truth was that I wavered between feeling off eating the box itself. Sure, as a busy hopeless to feeling high on life. It depended mom of three wee girlies, it’s a grab-whaton if I got my workout in, and whether I you-can lifestyle, but so is my life now, stepped on the scale. I could spend days on

growing a business with a hefty side of Mom and Wife responsibilities.

Not only would I show Old Me how easy it is to grab single-serve packs of raw almonds, a cheese stick, or handful of cucumbers, but I would also mention that I no longer require afternoon caffeination or survival via a long string of sugar highs. Eat real food.

Exercise isn’t the (only) answer.

I went to the gym nearly every day. I always gave it 110% (I’m a bit high on the intensity scale when it comes to exercise) and put my time in, but I also decided I earned my disaster of a diet for it.

Feeling a little squishy in the thighs? Add an extra day of cardio.

Not happy with the scale? Take a spin class and add the core workout after.

Shockingly (or not), my body never changed. killer arms. The anger you felt when you couldn’t make it to the gym because your The scale didn’t budge. daughter was sick.

How I long to sit down with Old Me and share all I know about fitness – and more And yet all around you were little girls with importantly food – and give her the tiaras and crooked pig tails and chocolateopportunity to ease up (a lot) and see smeared faces. Who begged for you to sit where her focus should have been to get the and color with them. A husband who had something beautiful to say every time you results she longed for. dressed up for date night. Your life was SO First thing I tell clients who want to lose FULL. weight?

And yet you were so stuck in your own head or running the eternal hamster wheel, you failed to appreciate all that surrounded you.

So dear, sweet, imperfect Old Me, I forgive you.

Most importantly, I appreciate the journey.

Because somehow along the way, I learned a lot and managed to make a pivotal update.

Stop working out until you recognize the power of food.

Fitness is incredibly important to a healthy lifestyle but the proper equation is a focus of 80% food and 20% fitness. I had it backwards and paid the price.

“Living life hungry has everything to do with what you are eating, not what you are doing.”

Own it. Embrace it. Love it. Love your body

My gift for focusing outside myself, on what’s really, truly important, is a body I can be proud of, with less than half the effort.

My life is centered around helping others find success in their quest for being healthy and fit and being completely ingrained in the family I am so lucky to have. It’s not half as hard as I made it out to be. And lucky me for reaching the second half of my life knowing the truths to living a life well lived and having something to show for it.

I pity you, Thirtysomething Me. You were Cheers to obsessing about all the wrong things. that!

Listening to the wrong advice. Worrying about the wrong body parts. In truth, you looked good, darn good some might say.

And yet.

And yet you were caught up in the dimple on your left thigh. The frenemy with the

Stop HATING Your Body

by Rachael Wright In the world today it is almost impossible to go through life without having the unattainable standards of the media and Hollywood having an affect on your psyche.

Multiple times a day advertisements, T.V. shows, movies, and clothing labels are barraging the public with their own standards of beauty. Not even promoting anything resembling health.

It is a media storm that is driven by the belief that beautiful people sell beautiful things. The belief that if you buy this product you too can resemble those who grace the ads, big screens, and airwaves.

Body image issues have become the prime issue facing everyone from fashion houses to Hollywood to magazines. The idea of the “real woman” made its heyday attacking the super slim figures walking down the runways. Beneath the exterior of the “real woman” campaign is much more than the desire to see different body types and sizes modeling clothing. At its heart the drive is much more individually based. When confronted with images of

women who seemingly have no flaws, the flawed woman who is watching is confronted with her own body and sees it right on the page or the screen and does a comparison. Down to the minutia. Women hate not only being confronted with the idea that there is only one female body type that is considered beautiful but also they hate being confronted with their own body image issues as if those imperfections hold more sway in their mind then their college degrees or children or personality.

There is not just one beautiful female body as there is not one ‘perfect’ mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend. Changing a negative body image starts and ends with one thing. Perception.

What you see in the mirror is determined by your outlook on life, your goals, your triumphs and setbacks, and pain. It is no different than how you view a painting. What a woman sees in the Mona Lisa varies drastically from what a man sees. Body hatred exists because it is negatively perceived and negatively categorized.

The little rolls of fat deposits around your waist and hips? Those aren’t your most hated stumbling block. They exist because you are a woman and genetically pre-disposed to more fat than men.

They are also a way of keeping you alive should famine or loss or starvation hit you. It’s your body’s insurance policy on itself.

The thighs? The thunder thighs you call them? They happen to be the largest group of muscles on your body. The largest fat burning grouping of muscles on your body. They are strong because you need them to be. They make it possible to run miles or pick up your children from the floor countless times a day.

From personal experience, what you really hate are your choices. Choices that may be personal, dietary, or those skipped workouts.

There is nothing on or in your body that you should hate.

Nothing at all. From personal experience, what you really hate are your choices. Choices that may be personal, dietary, or those skipped workouts. It’s not about the fat on your body. Are you putting in the effort into changing your body that you put into hating it? Strangely enough your body is what's going to change you. If it is fueled by positive thoughts, love, proper diet, and exercise it will reward you. Your body is not the problem. The way you think is.

Everyone comes in different sizes. They face trials and setbacks no one knows about. Perhaps one is at risk for diabetes or another for breast cancer or another for MS. At the end of the day what others look like or how much they weigh is not the issue, the issue is whether we approach our own situation positively. Change if you want to change or don’t change. But become comfortable in your body and love who you are.

You are who you choose to be.

FACING 40

I sat on a friend’s couch the other day, sipping coffee and chatting while our four-year-olds momentarily played happily together.

My friend will turn 40 this Sunday.

“So how’re you feeling about your birthday?” I asked her. My 40th hits in June, so I’m gathering data. She cocked her head and a slow, warm smile rose up her face.

“You know—mostly good,” she said.

We talked about how it seems like so many women blossom in their 40’s and 50’s. We also talked about our fears about aging, most of which stem from our culture’s obsession with youthful beauty.

“But mostly, I just can’t believe time is going by so fast,” she said. “40!”

“I know. How did that happen? Seriously?” I ask her, shaking my head. “I mean—I still feel like I’m about 15,” I said.

“Sometimes 21 or 22, but mostly about 15.”

We were promptly cut off from our existential musings as our kids transformed from small civil humans to screaming, crying dervishes. However, the topic of aging continued to percolate in my mind.

Whenever I get scared about aging, I try to channel my grandfather, who lived to be 94.

One day in his early 90s, after a broken leg impaired his ability to walk on his own, he said, “Oh, to be 70 again.”

We were sitting at the round table in my grandparents’ living room in Alaska. Through their big picture windows, I could see Mount Roberts and Mount Juneau, where my grandfather used to hike. It was summer, but the tops of the mountains were still capped with a hint of snow.

When he said, “Oh, to be 70 again,” he wasn’t being funny—he truly meant it. At 70, he’d still been playing golf regularly and meticulously documenting the number of fruit flies he found on his tomato plants. He still spent the winters in Hawaii, where he and my grandmother enjoyed a rigorous social life.

“I still feel like I’m about 15 inside,” my mom confided, taking a sip of her latte.

My grandfather chuckled. “Me too,” he said.

I looked at that man, his face etched with soft lines from the Hawaiian sun and Alaskan wind. His hands, with green veins riding through age spots, rested on the arms of his wheelchair. He had aged well, but there was no denying that he was in the latter part of his life. He and my grandmother were no longer healthy enough to winter in Hawaii, and he couldn’t drive anymore. Meanwhile, I was 25 and already wondering how time was moving so fast when I still felt like a kid.

My grandfather still felt like a teenager inside, too.

The moment froze, the way it does when you learn a hushed, holy truth: most grown-ups don’t feel like grownups.

At the time, I barely was one—25 now seems hopelessly youthful. My cheeks were so smooth. And I didn’t have that stubborn quotation mark between my eyes that I notice sometimes when getting my kids out of their car seats—I’ll catch a reflected glimpse of my furrowed brow, which stays indented for a few breaths even after I’m done furrowing.

Ahead of me still was falling in love, motherhood, a smattering of careers.

“I still feel like I’m about 15 inside,” my mom confided, taking a sip of her latte.

Forty. It’s not old, especially when I remember my grandfather’s words, “Oh, to be 70 again.” But it’s definitely not young. Forty means I’m squarely an adult. Shouldn’t I have my shit more together by now? Shouldn’t I have somehow learned to cook and mop? Shouldn’t I be balancing my checkbook? Shouldn’t I be vibrating with confidence? Aren’t these the things that grown-ups do?

My grandfather was a successful businessman who enjoyed a very long life. He was married for many more years than I’ve been alive. He had homes in two of the most beautiful places I’ve laid eyes on, and he lived long enough to watch his children and a grandchild enter the family business.

All while still feeling 15 inside.

I’m not going to lie—40 has a sting to it. It means I’m as mortal as the rest of the world. It means we really do get older, and we really do die. It means I probably won’t make it to a “40 great writers under 40” list. It means if I’m fortunate, half of my life is behind me and half is still to come. It means I’ve made hundreds of choices that have propelled me to this moment, to this life, which is so good, but is not brimming with beginnings anymore.

If I am lucky, maybe someday I will say, “Oh, to be 70 again.”

When I’m 70, I will probably say, “Oh, to be 40 again.” I will think back to this busy stage of life when the kids were young and loud and snuggly and crazy making. When I had just started writing again. When life was a chaotic, gorgeous juggling act. When the dent in my brow went away after only a moment or two.

Forty. I’m older than I’ve ever been, and the velocity of time is alarming.

But oh, to be 40 again.

Bring it.

Dealing With Burnout

10 Ways to Take Care of Ourselves When We’re Suffering from Burn Out.

By Ashleigh Hitchcockon

S

Stress happens—to everyone. There are many tricks to releasing stress that give us respite from feeling overwhelmed. Merely thinking about doing these things is not enough; in order to take care of our stress, we actually have to take some of these steps. Start small—try one or two of these suggestions.

1. Community. Hanging out with friends helps us feel better. Spending time with actual human beings boosts our mood. It energizes us, even if it’s people we don’t really know, at the local café. Sharing smiles with people gives us a lasting warm fuzzy.

2. Take breaks. No one can thrive when we’re sitting at the computer for hours on end, all day long. Take a five minute break every hour.

Walk to the water cooler and hydrate, do 10 jumping jacks, do a deep forward bend, walk to the break room and refill your coffee cup, have a quick phone chat with a friend or step outside and take a peek at the sky.

3. Get enough fresh air and sunshine. This is important, especially in the wintertime. Spending time outside breaks up the monotony and reconnects us to nature. An easy way to “cheat” is to walk or bike to work. If we have to bus or car commute, park a few blocks away from the office. If we work at home, a quick walk around the block will suffice. If it’s cold, bundle up. There are really no excuses when it comes to being outside and enjoying the day at least a little bit.

4. Eat food cooked with love. Make sure to eat enough veggies. Eat real food and avoid processed and packaged food. Have a snack— if you’re experiencing mood-faliure, get your blood sugar up.

5. Meditate. Practice sitting meditation every day for at least 10 minutes. If you’re too busy, meditate for one hour. Our minds are made for

thinking. Consciously taking a break from our thoughts heals stress on many levels. I meditate every day for 10 minutes, first thing in the morning. It makes me feel like I’m cloaked in a protective blanket all day long.

6. Exercise. Our bodies are made to move.

People have a lot of energy and sitting still for too long can drive us stir crazy. Exercise, even a little bit, is important everyday. It releases negativity and makes us feel good. It gets our heart pumping and our lungs breathing. My favorite ways to exercise are walking the dog, biking, hiking, yoga, dancing, skiing, snow shoveling, gardening and sex.

7. House Plants. It’s nice to be share space with other living things. House plants are natural air filters.

They live on water and sunlight. That’s affordable!

They bring relaxing and cheerful energy to a room.

They are quiet. If you have to vent, houseplants are good listeners.

8. Stretch. Practicing yoga, even a little bit, breaks up the” fuzz” between our muscles and fascial tissue. A good stretch can give us the “space” we need to buckle down and take care of our responsibilities.

9. Get enough sleep. Our bodies are rejuvenated with a good nights sleep. Enjoy a relaxing ritual before bed, to ensure a restful night. Have a cup of chamomile tea, meditate take a hot epsom salt bath, or read for 15 minutes.

10. Laugh. Read something funny. Talk to someone funny. Watch a funny video. Amuse yourself. Laughter really is the best medicine.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy for anyone to feel overwhelmed; using creative solutions to deal with stress can help us prevent burnout.s

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By Ashleigh Hitchcockon