WHATS THE DEAL WITH BELONGING?

BY AMY BLISS

You may or may not have noticed that Belonging is a VERY hot topic right now. I was speaking recently at a 3-day international executive conference, where 5 of out 35 talks had the word “Belong” or “Belonging” in the title (including mine) and several more broached the topic within their talk even if it wasn’t mentioned in the title. So, what is all the hype about?

We are all probably very familiar and largely comfortable with the evolution of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) in the professional realm, whether it is companies, corporations, agencies, organizations or education. Most of these spaces have adopted some version. It was a rocky start, though most have hit their stride. And it’s needed. Though, I believe, while definitely making huge improvements, DEI falls short.

Why?

Almost everything within DEI are “doing” things. A company sees that their organization is not as diverse as they’d like, so they may a concerted effort to change this in their hiring practices. Now they have a diverse organization and need to make sure everyone is equipped to handle the new environment so workshops and trainings are offered and/or required. This is an over simplification of the work dedicated DEI specialists and executives do, but the point is, a deficiency is identified and work is done to address it.

For example, a push is made to include more women in the workplace (diversity) and then gender bias workshops and sexual harassment courses are offered/

BY AMY BLISS

required (inclusion). A desire exists to have more BIPOC members on team (diversity) and racial and unconscious bias trainings are held (inclusion). You see where I’m going.

First, these tend to be for benefit of those NOT part of the diversity group of which the action is focused, rather than for those the organization is seeking to “include.” And, as mentioned before, these are all “doing” things, actions taken. What’s missing is how does everyone feel about being in the organization. Especially those not traditionally in that space.

This is where Belonging comes in. And while seemingly straight forward – do you feel like you belong (within the organization, on your team, with your coworkers, etc)? (I’m envisioning a note passed between elementary school crushes – Do you like me? Yes or No (circle one)) – it is actually quite complex and nuanced.

Before I explain, I want revisit Belonging as a basic need. If you haven’t been following me here, I’ll recap my position on this… For the vast majority of our existence on this planet as modern humans, we were not safe nor top of the food chain. It is only in the past 5-10,000 years that we live in more solid structures and were not seen as lunch by a wide array of predators. For over 200,000 years, belonging to a community literally was life or death. In prehistory, if we were separated from or cast out of our group, we could not survive. Not belonging = death.

On average, we tend to see ourselves as separate from the rest of the animal kingdom. And while we have evolved the capacity for higher thought, there is a part of our brain that is still entirely based on instinct. And that part of our brain still equates not belonging or being rejected with death. Unsure? This is why we so desperately avoid rejection, even the possibility of it. Or confrontation, which also carries with it a fear of rejection. We will do almost anything to belong. This is that part of our brain that screams NO! at the thought of doing or saying something that may result in rejection or being outcast. Remember middle school and high school? How desperately we wanted to be included by the popular kids or on a certain team or liked by the human we were crushing on? Remember how it literally felt like a life or death situation? You might have even said “If Johnny doesn’t like me, I’ll die!” That’s this part of our brain in all its glory.

So back to Belonging as a concept in the workplace. I feel like belonging is where inclusivity wanted to go, but the focus, as mentioned above, got off target. And, its bigger than that. This is a generalization, though largely holds – for a long time, the business world was a cold, emotionless place. Gen X, Baby Boomers and the generations before them, would tolerate A LOT if the money was right. Toxicity? Long hours? Ruthless boss? Throw enough money at us (I’m solidly Gen X) and we’ll put up with just about anything. The same is largely not true of the generations behind us. Millennials and Gen Z are generally looking for a particular vibe. They want a sense of community, collaboration, meaning and purpose. And no amount of money will entice the majority of them to tolerate the things we saw as “normal business” and certainly not toxic environments and/or leaders.

They are looking for a feeling. They want to Belong.

Here’s the catch. The business world, for almost as long as it’s been a thing, has been a “leave your emotions at the door” space. And for a long time, we complied. So now the target is a feeling and one that’s tough to nail down or measure. How is an organization supposed to set or know if they are hitting their Belonging target? They could send out a survey, kind of like that elementary school note. “On a scale of 1-5, how much to you feel you belong in the organization?” That will provide some information, but it only begins to scratch the surface. It ignores how we belong, that belonging is a part of every relationship (so one may feel a strong sense of belonging to their team, but not so much with their manager or the company as a whole) or the fact that a 4 of belonging may have different meanings for different people.

And then what does the company do with that information? What if they are scored lower than target? How does a company increase belonging? How does an organization go from “leave your emotions at the door” to “we want to increase the feeling of belonging among our people”?

There is a disconnect in the workplace today with most leaders being Boomers or Gen X and the majority of the workforce being Millennial or Gen Z. A lack of understanding and difficulty relating. And most of these leaders see the writing on the wall. It’s evolve or die time, but these leaders are woefully unequipped to find a solution, though desperately need one. Throw into the mix that about 54% of the those participating in the employment game (a larger percentage when looking at leadership roles) are men. Men for whom we have given very little language for emotion and conditioned to always shove emotions down, not just at work. And it’s a recipe for disaster.

So, what is an organization to do?

First, is to recognize that this shift or evolution is happening. No amount of “that’s how we’ve always done things, so I’m not going to change” will stop it. Times are changing. And change is uncomfortable for the vast majority of people, but it’s still inevitable. Next is identifying that a gap exists and if you want to continue in business and retain top talent, you need to evolve with the trends. Fortunately, there are experts out there than can help! People like me who help organizations (and specifically men in some cases) embrace bringing emotions into the fold and how then can enhance the organization, to talk about belonging, its nuances and how the sense of belonging can be increased within your organization. It may seem scary, but trust me, the culture created after embracing these ideas make it well worth it!

Want to know more? Come to the

Influential Woman Conference on April 22, where I will be delivering the keynote on this topic!

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Amy Bliss, JD, MBA, is the founder of Amy Bliss Consulting, LLC, where she consults, facilitates and coaches people, leaders and businesses on the power of belonging in the work place and in life. We also offer Conscious Leadership Coaching and Processing for Leaders. For more information, please visit amyblissconsulting.com and to connect, please email her at amy@ amyblissconsutling.com or schedule a Discovery Call at https://amybliss. as.me/. You can read more about her men’s work at https://thewarriorcore.com