AS I LIVE AND GRIEVE

{ SHIFT+CONTROL }{ AS I LIVE & GRIEVE } FROM WIFE TO WIDOW IN FIVE EASY STEPS

BY KATHY GLEASON AND STEPHANIE KENDRICK

STEP ONE: EVENT

Life was good – well, as good as it can be. Our finances were intact, our kids were grown and, most of all, my husband and I were good friends. He was just finishing his lunch when I realized he had stopped talking mid-sentence. In the instant my eyes moved from the TV to his face, I was one step closer to being a widow.

STEP TWO: DIAGNOSIS

Mere hours later as Tom rested comfortably on the anti-seizure meds given to him, I awaited results from diagnostic tests. Four words – Glioblastoma Multiforme Type IV – moved me immediately to the next step, as I absorbed the doctor’s remaining words. “Aggressive, unpredictable, incurable. Maybe a year.”

STEP THREE: TREATMENTS

My Google calendar transformed. Gone were my meetings, my lunches, my activities – replaced and augmented by new experiences of radiation, chemo, MRI, clinical trial, bloodwork (repeat daily).

STEP FOUR: QUALITY OF LIFE

With the pronouncement of nothing more to be done my mind turned to quality of life. Resume his daily coffee – who cares what effect caffeine has? Enjoy this piece of pie, sweetie – and we will increase your insulin to mitigate the effects. You want to sleep in the recliner with the TV on all night – go for it.

STEP FIVE: FINAL BREATH

Eight months, almost to the day, I became a widow. Whew, was my first thought. Now I can … now I will … Now it will … NOW WHAT DO I DO???!?!?!?

STEPS REVERSED - COUNTDOWN FIVE: COMPLETE THE OBLIGATORY OBLIGATIONS

Notifications, funeral arrangements, calling hours, feeding the mourners after the funeral – wait! Why am I the event planner extraordinaire here? I’m the WIDOW! Who is going to take care of ME?!

FOUR: REALIZATION

Grief is not a “get over it” condition. It is a journey – full of stones, potholes, speed bumps and an occasional sinkhole, too. Realization = I will Grieve for the rest of my life.

THREE: ADAPTATION

Open eyes every morning, put feet to floor, shower, dress and move on and out. Whatever it takes to get through the day.

TWO: ACCEPTANCE

This is now my life. Whatever I choose to make it and whoever I choose to be – fierce, confident, advocate, mom, grandma and friend.

ONE: ME, REDEFINED

Oddly enough, this part of my journey took about eight months, almost to the day. Yet my journey is not over as, again, I believe I will grieve for the rest of my life. The grief itself does not change – I change. Most of the time, I believe I am moving forward with my life. Then I step into one of those camouflaged potholes and I must take a break from my routine – and allow myself to do what my mind and body are telling me I need to do. Cry, remember, regroup – or just take a nap. These moments have a unique, contemporary term – STUG (Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief). I really will have to try to insert that term into my daily conversation at some point.

I move through my days in what must appear to be, to most that know me, a perfectly normal “me.” And some days that is true. Other days, I might experience a STUG (see what I did there?), pause for a moment, take a few deep breaths, and continue. I have been able to bring myself to this point in my personal grief journey. Many, many others continue to struggle with the anger, depression, and a myriad of other emotions. These people need us. They need us to listen, to mention their lost loved one by name, or merely to just be with them in silence. There are many treatments for grief, from reading or going on a vacation to seeing a therapist. Why is there no hard and fast process to get over grief? Two basic reasons: (1) Everyone’s grief is different and (2) Grief is not something you GET OVER. So, stop insisting someone do it and stop whispering behind their back that they just need to ‘get over it.’ You get THROUGH it, if you can – it may take weeks, it may take years, or it may take the rest of your life.

The most we can hope for in our grief is to learn to adapt, to build a new routine, a new persona, a new life that includes our grief. This goal is realistic and, once achieved, or even close to reaching it you will find your grief easier to bear. You then learn to build on that, and eventually you can look back and feel so proud of your journey.

“Grief does not define me but it has transformed me.” Shannon Brooks

Kathy Gleason, with her daughter, Stephanie Kendrick, host a podcast, As I Live and Grieve, with a goal of making grief a more comfortable topic of conversation, such that we all learn to live with our grief. Download their podcast on your favorite podcast app, or visit their website at www.asiliveandgrieve.com.