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“whatevs” BY KELSI BOWES When did Webster give the thumbs up to the English language to go all Weight Watchers and drop syllables left and right? Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to use “text language” in texting, let alone in every day conversation. I am aware that because of this it takes me approximately 0.2 seconds longer to spit out a sentence than my syllable-counting contemporaries, but that is a sacrifice I am more than willing to make. If I felt like it, I could try to list all the inane new abbreviations, I’m sorry, “abbrevs,” that people have come up with, but I have neither the time nor the patience for such an undertaking. Plus, I would more than likely fill this magazine with them all. However, there are three culprits that have recently entered the lexicon whom I particularly despise: “whatevs,” “probs” and “totes”. First of all, is it really that difficult to pronounce all three syllables of “whatever,” “probably” or “totally”? I understand that it is an exhausting THREE whole syllables for each word but… really? Are people that lazy? They have turned slang into slang. There has to be some kind of law prohibiting these fallacious crimes. The second thing that boggles my mind: where does the “s” at the end come from? I thought the whole point of shortening the words was to make them less complicated. I can almost rationalize that… almost. But then
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this “s” comes from out of nowhere. I know I’ve never heard someone say “whatevers,” “probablies” or “totallies”. I can remember the first time I ever heard the word “probs”. I was walking up the Richland Avenue Bridge when the offender blurted out, “I’ll probs be doing that. Yeah, I’ll probs call you tonight. Definitely, yeah. Oh, yeah, probs.” My I.Q. dropped 10 points each time she truncated the adverb formerly known as probably. Even as I walked past, the offender continued to drop the “p-word” for as long as she was within earshot. I had to have heard it at least a dozen times before my ears were a safe distance away. It was a painful experience, almost making my ears bleed. Still the question remains: why are people perpetuating this horrendous trend? In my opinion, it is because there is an overabundance of slackers in America. It’s faster, easier and more convenient to throw out a couple of letters, smash what remains together and call it a word than to formulate the actual word. It probably takes less brain cells, too. I’m not asking for that much. No one has to go back to Ye Olde English, I just want English P.T. (Pre-Texting) back. I don’t know how much longer I can take it before I get into a verbal smackdown at the sounds of “whatevs,” “probs” or “totes”. As someone with a deep love for English language and grammar, I feel it is my duty to try to stop this horrendous abuse to the language. So please, for your sake and mine, think before you speak. You never know who might overhear your conversation and write an article about it. But then again you might just shrug and say “whatevs”.
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