3. Co-sleeping It’s a sweet thought, but sharing a bed with your child can have serious drawbacks for everyone involved.
First Edition
5. Learning to bend We all have ideas about what we will and won’t do when we have kids, but when does reality require a shift in attitude?
7. Call it a Night When is it time to put an end to nighttime feedings?
8. The Hero Nobody Asked For Moms take pride in the sacrifices they make for their families, but at whose expense?
12. Survive the Drive Tips for making the most of the road trip with your kids.
14. Mortified! Tales from the vault of embarrasment. How to respond when your child does something embarassing.
16. Truth of the Matter Researchers reject claims that their study points to a link between sleep training and development issues
18. Romance Revisited Tips for restoring the fun and excitement on date night
20. Swing and a Miss Recent studies show inaccurate ADHD diagnoses were likely the result of sleep deprivation. 2|
Sleep Sense First Edition
THE PROBLEM WITH BED SHARING
I came across a great issue of Time Magazine at the grocery store last week, entitled, “The Science of Sleep.”It has some fantastic articles on subjects ranging from the restorative effects of sleep, to how sleep differs in teenagers, and its effects on creativity and weight-loss. If you spot it, I highly recommend picking it up. It’s a fascinating read. One article that really caught my attention had to do with bed sharing and its alarming correlation with SIDS-related deaths. As most parents already know, bed sharing is a risky way for children to sleep.The article in Time, “Why Bed-Sharing is a Bad Idea,” referenced a 2012 study in the Journal of Pediatrics, that showed occurrences of SIDS were three times higher in infants who were bed sharing. (This number shot up to 10 times higher with children under three months!) Beyond the physical dangers, though,
I personally feel that bed sharing has a couple other major drawbacks.
Bed sharing disrupts sleep. When I was pregnant with our first son, my husband and I read the baby book by Dr. Sears and thought the idea of bed sharing sounded great. After all, we were so excited to have this new, precious person joining our family! What could be better than snuggling up to him while falling asleep? This lovely notion lasted exactly one night, as I quickly discovered that my baby son was an extremely loud sleeper.He grunted and groaned constantly through the course of the night. Additionally, I was so worried that one of us was going to roll over onto him that I barely slept a wink. Babies move around and make a lot of noise during the night. Chances are, you and your partner probably
STUDIES SHOW THAT CO-SLEEPING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR BABY... AND YOUR MARRIAGE
do too! As adults, we can get accustomed to the little nighttime disturbances caused by someone else’s sleep activity, but it’s a whole lot tougher for a newborn to ignore someone who’s talking in their sleep, rolling over, and giving out the occasional, accidental nudge.Having your baby in bed with you may seem like a sweet way to bond, but a few nights of everyone getting an inadequate sleep will just leave the whole family irritable and exhausted.
Bed sharing interrupts intimacy Well, OK. Maybe not for everyone, but for many of you, having a baby in your bed just isn’t sexy and it interferes with your love life. I see how it seems so appealing on the surface. After all, waking up to the sight of your partner cuddling First Edition Sleep
Sense | 3
your sleeping baby, what could be better than that? Although this is a lovely mental image, you’ll notice before too long that… hey! Baby has taken over your spot. That’s supposed to be you over there, cuddled into your part-
tion, you won’t find time for it during the day, and your connection with your partner will suffer for it.
ner, and there’s no easy way for the three of you to nestle together in any remotely comfortable (let alone romantic) fashion. You may see it as not a big issue and that you’ll find other opportunities for those passionate moments when baby’s napping or otherwise occupied, but just prior to falling asleep and first thing in the morning are two very intimate moments for couples. Chances are, if you don’t find the time for a little passion in those few fleeting moments when your baby typically isn’t demanding your atten-
just going to decide the she no longer wants to sleep with you. We’re creatures of habit and we don’t like change. (Especially when it comes to our sleeping environment.) It’s difficult for a child to understand, after sleeping with her parents since she can remember, why she’s suddenly being asked to leave.Explanations like, “you’re a big girl now,” don’t make a lot of sense to a child. After all, Mommy and Daddy are sharing a bed, and they’re the biggest people she knows. Let’s be honest, it’s not easy for the parents either. The first three weeks
4|
Sleep Sense First Edition
When do you stop? It’s unlikely that your two year old is
of separation can be every bit as traumatizing for the grown-ups as they are for the child. You’ll undoubtedly find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and wandering into your child’s room to check on them, or waking up with a
jolt when you realize they’re not in bed with you. Bed sharing may seem like an appealing option at first, but it leads to a lot of bad habits and complications that just end up costing you, your partner, and your child, a lot of desperately needed rest.I suggest you give it up by not taking it up in the first place. Your child will learn better sleep habits, your relationship with your partner will be sturdier, and you’ll all get a much better night’s sleep.
PARENTING
IDEALS VS. REALITY
BEFORE WE HAVE CHILDREN, OUR IDEAS ABOUT WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE AND THE REALITY DON’T ALWAYS MATCH UP.
M
any of us are starry-eyed and, let’s face it, a little naïve, about kids and marriage when we’re starting out, and we invent “ideals” about what it means to be a good parent. Sometimes we make decisions before we even give birth, claiming that our children won’t watch TV, or have sugar, or ever step foot in a McDonalds. Before I had kids I said I would never let my kids play video games. Yeah, right!Some of these are good ideas, and you might stick to them. But others can cause more harm than good.
I got a letter the other day that really showed me how, sometimes, we hang on to these ideals even when they are hurting our family. This mother started her letter by telling me she was against any sort of cry-it-out method for sleep training. She had deemed that this was just wrong.But she went on to write three very desperate paragraphs about how her two-year-old daughter would not go to sleep at bedtime and woke up about five times a night, needing to be rocked back to sleep.
She told me that she was so tired and frustrated that she was going through the day feeling angry with everyone around her, even her daughter. She said that she often yelled and cursed, and on occasion, she even felt herself getting a bit rough with her child. She hadn’t slept in her own bed for twenty-two months, and (no surprise) her marriage was suffering. My heart broke for this woman. Not because I felt sorry for her, but rather because she was so committed to this notion that her child “crying it out” was bad, even though that was the only way to fix the situation. By hanging on so tightly to this ideal, she was actually hurting herself and her family. Sadly, she couldn’t see that by NOT sleep training her child, her exhaustion and frustration were hurting the ones she loved the most. Which First Edition Sleep
Sense | 5
means she wasn’t parenting very well, in my opinion. Sometimes, being a good parent means doing the hard thing; the thing that hurts you because you don’t want your child to suffer, even for a few minutes. But would you let your child eat only chips and candy because you don’t want her to be sad that she has to eat her broccoli? Would you let her run out on the road because you don’t want to limit her freedom? No. Your job is to teach her to eat well, to teach her to stay away from traffic, and to sleep well, too. I urge you to look at your own ideals and genuinely think about whether they need to be changed or loosened up. Parenting is a thousand times harder than we could have imagined before we had kids, so sometimes we need to shed some of those philosophies and standards we had for ourselves and our children, and look at the health of the entire family.
“by not sleep training her child, her exhaustion and
frustration were hurting the ones she loved the most”
We started with a great idea and a little hard work and today we’re proud to provide a high quality American made product direct to your doorstep. Our ShiftShade total blackout window shade is a non-permanent, simple and effective way to black out a room for complete darkness. It is useful for daytime sleepers (like shift workers and medical personnel), children’s naps, restless babies, media rooms, or just to block that street light during the night.
Learn more at www.shiftshade.com and purchase your ShiftShade through Amazon! 6|
Sleep Sense First Edition
NIGHTTIME WEANING We dream of the day we can stop night feeding, but then panic that we may be doing it too soon. How can you tell when your baby is ready to sleep through the night?
A
s grown-ups, we typically wake up and fall asleep again a number of times every night. Most times, we don’t even realize it’s happening because we’re so accustomed to it. We wake up, we shift to a more comfortable position, we close our eyes and off we go again. That’s not necessarily the case for a baby that’s accustomed to nighttime feedings. They’re used to waking up, Mom coming in, they’re lifted out of their crib and nursed while they fall back to sleep. The association gets made in your baby’s head that the transition from waking up to falling asleep is only accomplished through feeding. They’re not necessarily hungry, they just want to get back to sleep, but can’t
do it without going through their standard routine. So how do you break this “feed/ sleep” association? The best way to clear this hurdle is to stop letting your baby fall asleep while she’s feeding. If this is the last part of her nightly sleep routine, shuffle things around a bit so that she’s still awake during her last feeding of the night. Afterwards, read her a story or sing her some songs, but make sure she’s still awake when you put her in her crib. The goal is to get her to fall asleep independently without any reliance on Mom, Dad, nursing, rocking, or anything else that she can’t do on her own when she wakes up in the middle of the night.
It’s not an easy transition to make, so scale back her night feedings gradually. Give her one less feeding per night for a few days, then one less the following few, and so on. Just remember, don’t let her fall asleep while she’s feeding! Tickle her, talk to her, sing her a song or give her a little poke, but keep her awake until she’s back in her crib. By now, you’re probably thinking, “Easier said than done,” and you’re absolutely right. There’s going to be some crying during this process, so brace yourself. It’s going to be hard on both of you for a little while, but the sooner you start, the sooner your baby will learn to sleep independently. Once she learns this skill, both of you will benefit from your restful, sleep-filled nights. First Edition Sleep
Sense | 7
THE MYTH OF THE MOMMY MARTYR W E ’ R E W ORK I N G H ARDER TH AN EV ER TO P ROVI D E F OR OU R FA M I LI ES, AN D SACRIFICING OUR OWN H AP PI N ES S I N T HE P R O C ESS. THE QUESTIO N IS, DOES ANYB OD Y WAN T U S TO? I remember talking to a dear friend one time about her mother. She was telling me in a very loving way, about all the things her mother use to do for the family. How her mother put everyone else before herself and sacrificed everything for her family. As I listened to her talk, I knew she meant it all as a sincere and heartfelt compliment to her mom, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Is that how I want to be remembered?” I can remember my own mom doing it all. Working a full time job, making dinners, raising us kids, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and guess what? Most of the time, I remember 8|
Sleep Sense First Edition
her being pretty darn grouchy and tired. As a working mom now, I get it. It’s not easy, but one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that being a martyr isn’t actually a good thing. In fact, the very definition of the word is a person who sacrifices something of great value, and even life itself, for the sake of principle. Now, obviously I don’t mean mothers are physically killing themselves, but I do see lots of them sacrificing much for the sake of the family, which sounds noble, right? The idea of a mother putting her family’s needs
before her own seems honorable, but what does that actually mean? Does that mean you honestly think everyone else’s wants and needs are more important than your own? Does it mean that you are truly happy and fulfilled seeing others get all they need, when it may mean you are not living your own life, or does it mean you do it, but part of your feels some resentment? Maybe you’re just good at hiding it, or talking yourself out of it, but it’s still there, bubbling just under the surface. Here is what I know for sure. I know that I have needs and wants, and that they’re just as important as
anyone else’s. I know that if I don’t take care of myself physically and emotionally, (and for me that means regularly scheduled nail and hair appointments, among many other things) I start to get cranky. When I get cranky, I am not as good of a mother, wife, friend or business owner as I am when I am content and fulfilled. Look at it from the other side for a minute. If your children or your husband knew that you were sacrificing your own happiness for them, would they be content to just say, “That’s really big of you, Mom. Thanks for that,” and carry on?
Of course not. Your happiness is as important to your family as theirs is to you. It may not feel that way sometimes, but if you asked them, sincerely, if they valued your happiness above the folded laundry and the rides to soccer practice, what would they tell you? I would give my life to save my child, but guess what! Nobody’s asking me to! I don’t need to go through every day being a martyr. In fact, I don’t want my kids to think their needs are more important than mine. What kind of lesson would that be? I want my kids to see me as inspiring,
enthusiastic, happy, and fun. I also want them to know that they play a part in making me that way. If that means I need to take a little time for myself, that’s a trade I’m willing to make, and I know, deep down, my kids are too. First Edition Sleep
Sense | 9
The Wearable
Lovie
Soft. Safe. Secure. . . . because the Lovie you wear is always there
www.bittakidda.com US Patent #US8312565B1 Additional Patent Pending
use code “SleepSense25” and enjoy 25% off
10 |
Sleep Sense First Edition
TEETHING MYTHS
“She’s teething,” you think to yourself. “I’ll just go in and rock her for a while.” If I had a nickel for every time someone told me their baby was sleeping poorly because of teething, well, let’s just say I’d have a lot of nickels. I am not saying that a night, maybe two, of poor sleep couldn’t be caused by a baby actually cutting a tooth, but for parents to use it as an excuse for months of poor sleep is simply misleading themselves. Children typically cut a new tooth about once a month, and the process takes approximately eight days, so don’t fool yourself into thinking that teething is responsible for poor sleep habits for months on end. A much more likely reason is that baby’s figured out a way to get you to come when he calls. Don’t give in to the temptation just because you’ve got an excuse. Experts agree that new teeth typically do not cause severe discomfort, and if your child is showing symptoms like diarrhea, vomiting or fever, talk to your doctor. They are almost certainly being caused by something other than teething.
We’re about more than just sleep...
Sleep Sense™has a full line of products and solutions for all kinds of parenting challenges. Check us out at www.sleepsense.net
First Edition Sleep
Sense | 11
I C AN REMEMBE R , BA CK I N MY COL L EGE YE A R S , H O W EXHIL A RATED I WO U LD GET WHEN PL A NNI NG A S U M MERTI ME RO A D T R I P WI T H MY GI RL F RI ENDS . T H E THOUGHT OF A CA R F U LL OF CL AS S MATES TEA R I N G ALONG TH E OPE N R O A D WITH OUR F EET H A N GIN G OUT OF THE WI N D O W, SIN G I NG AL ONG TO TH E R AD I O AND S L E E P I N G I N R AN DO M HOTEL S A LO N G THE WAY, S EEMED LI KE THE VERY EMBO D I M EN T O F FR EEDOM.NOWA D AY S , A S I’ M SURE EV ERY PA R E N T KN OWS , I A S S O CI ATE CA R TR IPS MORE W ITH N A U S EA , PET T Y CO MPL A I N T S , A N D D R AW N-OUT F I G H T S O V ER WHO’S ON W HO S E S I D E O F THE CAR.
12 |
Sleep Sense First Edition
Plan ahead. First and foremost, be prepared. Make a list a few days before you leave and add to it every time you think of something else that might come in handy. There’s no such thing as being over prepared.While you’re at it, this is a great time to take the car in for a quick tune-up. The only thing worse than cranky kids while you’re driving is cranky kids while you’re stuck on the side of the road, waiting for a tow truck. Time your departure appropriately too. If you need to drive a long distance, plan to leave about 30 min before naptime, so hopefully your baby will sleep a chunk of the way.
ARE WE THERE YET?
F
reedom doesn’t exactly spring to mind anymore. But even though road trips with your kids might not allow you the carefree attitude you once had when you travelled, there’s no reason they have to be an agonizing ordeal either. With a little (okay, maybe more than a little) planning and preparation, car rides with your kids can be not just bearable, but all kinds of fun.
something else, which will leave you out of ammunition half an hour into your trip.
Remember you’re travelling with kids.
Bring distractions.
WITH A LITTLE PLANNING AND PREPARATION, CAR RIDES WITH YOUR KIDS CAN BE NOT JUST BEARABLE, BUT ALL KINDS OF FUN.
In-car DVD players are a blessing, for sure, but don’t rely on the presumption that your kids will happily and quietly watch movies for the entire trip. They’re going to get fidgety and want some interaction before too long, so make sure to bring along some games, toys and activities. My strategy with these distraction items is to keep them stashed away until the kids start fussing, and then break them out individually. When they get bored of playing with the iPad, offer up some paper and crayons. When that starts getting old, offer up your camera and let them take pictures out of the window. The key is to space the items out. If you give them everything on departure, chances are they’ll only play with each item for five minutes before moving on to
As adults, we can appreciate the benefit of getting somewhere in as little time as possible, but for kids, it’s an abstract thought. They want the trip itself to be enjoyable, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be! It just requires taking some extra time. So when you’re deciding what time you need to leave, or telling friends on the other end when to expect you, bear in mind that it’s going to take you a lot longer to get where you’re going. You’ll need to stop every two or three hours, and when you do, your kids will want to run around for a little bit. Look for rest stops or parks along your route where they can burn off some energy when you stop to eat or use the restroom.
Never, ever take baby out of the car seat. This seems like common sense, but I’ve heard of many parents taking baby out while the car is moving to try to calm her down. A crying baby in the back of your car is stressful and aggravating, I know. But stop before you unbuckle your seat belts and think about just how fast you’re moving, and what’s at stake if the unthinkable should happen. Trust me, it’s ok if baby cries for a while until you make it to the rest stop. The days of your laid-back, carefree road trips may be behind you, but with a little planning and a lot of patience, holiday drives with your kids can easily pack as many good times and happy memories as the spring break getaways of your youth. And nobody says you can’t still put your feet out of the window. First Edition Sleep
Sense | 13
Here are a few tips on how to deal with it gracefully, and hopefully prevent it happening again.
Stay calm. Most kids don’t have a filter yet and are making observations about the world they live in. Sometimes they are brutally honest simply because they don’t know that what they say may be hurtful. The best thing to do is to simply apologize to the offended person, and let them know you will have a chat with your child about the event.
HE SAID
WHAT?!
THERE’S NO AVOIDING IT. AT SOME MOMENT, USUALLY THE WORST ONE IMAGINABLE, YOUR LITTLE ANGEL IS GOING TO EMBARASS THE PANTS OFF OF YOU. HOW SHOULD YOU REACT WHEN IT HAPPENS? Tales from grade one – Stetson, a boy from my class, was standing with his friend, waiting for his mother to pick them up for a field trip. When she pulled up and got out of the car, his friend let loose with a line I’ll never forget. “Wow Stetson! Your mom is really fat!” Stetson’s mom was 8 months pregnant at the time, so she thought it was more funny than horrifying, but you get my drift, and you’ve probably been witness to a similar situation. I remember a comedian talking about a similar occurrence with his daughter, reminiscing about how he realized later that he should have apologized to the man she had offended, and then explained to her what was wrong with what she said.Instead, he had picked her up and run out of Starbucks, yelling “LA LA LAAAA LAAA!” in order to drown out any further comments. The truth is, if you’ve got kids, you can pretty much count on facing this situation yourself at least once or twice.
Don’t let too much time pass. But do wait until you are alone and explain how their comments may have hurt someone else’s feelings. Kids feel embarrassment just like we do, and getting a talkingto in front of a crowd is likely to upset them. Remember, your child didn’t mean to do anything malicious, and didn’t realize that what she said was wrong, so take a few deep breaths and make sure you’ve gotten over the shock and discomfort of what happened before you address the situation.
Admit you’re embarrassed. You know those times when you start to blush, and if you try to stop yourself from blushing, you only blush more? That usually happens with embarrassment too. By simply saying out loud, “Oh my, I am so embarrassed,” you’ll feel your embarrassment slip away, and the other person
will most likely try to make you feel better by telling you it’s okay.In fact, I’ve always found that there’s a sweet little bond formed between people when they share an awkward moment. You’re both forced to step out of your comfort zone for an instant, and you get a quick glimpse of one another’s vulnerability before you (hopefully) share a laugh about the whole thing. As much as we might like the idea of our children being born with refined diplomacy skills, that’s just not realistic, and in fact, not really as desirable as you might think. Kids need to understand social interaction, and situations like these, however uncomfortable for their parents,
that a well-placed curse word can accomplish something intangible that you just can’t properly express with a PG13 vocabulary. However, I certainly don’t find the same amusement in curse words when I hear my kids using them! Well, actually, I should probably come clean on this point as well…Between you and me, I think it can be downright hilarious, and I know I can’t be alone. C’mon. Admit it. Secretly, after the embarrassment has subsided and you were outside of the public eye, didn’t you just absolutely howl with laughter after your toddler dropped their first F-bomb? More to the point, don’t you find it hysterical when someone else’s toddler drops an F-bomb? That way you get all of the giggles without any of the awkwardness! After all, they’re not trying to offend anybody. They’re just kids trying to incorporate something they’ve overheard into their speech. The innocence of it is really what makes it so unbelievably funny. Fact is, I find it a whole lot more offensive when I hear a grown-up cursing behind me at Starbucks. And isn’t it just that much funnier when they actually use it right? I remember walking through the mall with my friend and her 3-year-old daughter a few years ago. Trying to be just like her Mommy, the girl was sporting a cute little purse with some change inside. When she opened it up to pay for a treat, all of her change spilled out onto the floor.Loudly and distinctly, she blurted out the only appropriate phrase to use in the situation. “Oh s#@t!”
provide them with a necessary learning experience. Don’t worry; down the road, after the embarrassment has passed and the awkwardness has faded, these mortifying little moments will likely become some of your favorite memories. They make for great party conversations and wedding speeches.And remember, in twelve years or so, you’ll be the one embarrassing them, so just consider it an investment.
DIRTY WORDS ? Who really gives a s#&t anyways? I should probably begin here by making a minor confession…I love to swear. I’ve always had a love for language in general, and I find
It was so much more amusing for the fact that, well, what else does anybody really say in that scenario? However old she might have been, she nailed it. Back when my oldest was just learning to talk, he was riding in the back while my husband and I were stuck in
Now that your kids are sleeping through the night...
...maybe you should be too.
Solve Your Sleep The new adult sleep program from the creator of Sleep Sense First Edition Sleep
Sense | 15
a horrendous traffic jam. After three changes of the light and no cars moving, my husband let go of a somewhat muffled, “What the f*** is going on up there?” Ten minutes later, as we sat in another stagnant pool of traffic, my son leaned forward in his car seat and innocently enquired, “What the f*** is going on up there, Daddy?” Something tells me that the five minutes of hysterical, sidesplitting laughter that ensued didn’t do much to convince him that he shouldn’t be using the F-word.
The same goes doubly for ethnic slurs or similar ugly words specifically aimed at any particular group. Those aren’t grown-up words. They’re hateful, angry words that are meant to hurt people, and nobody should use them, ever. Obviously, this is a completely subjective issue, and different families will have different opinions on the subject, but as for me and mine, there are plenty of other battles I’d rather fight.
But the truth is, I just don’t think that swearing is a big deal. A short, simple explanation about “adult words” after you toddler fires off their first dirty word should be enough to let them know not to do it again, but making a scene and demanding to know where they heard it makes it seem so significant, which is just going to spur their curiosity. Now, I’m not saying that you should be condoning this kind of talk out of your child. Far from it. But let’s be realistic; they’re going to do it eventually, and if you’re telling that it’s never okay and has no place in conversation, well, aren’t you being a little dishonest? I say you’re better off telling them the truth. Those kinds of words are for grown-ups, and even grown-ups should only use them only when it’s appropriate. Using them in public, or using them too often, makes you sound dense, and other people around you won’t like it. (Yeah, you, guy behind me at Starbucks. I’m talking to you.) A couple of important exceptions to this scenario I think I should point out… If your child swears at you, or refers to someone else with a nasty word, then I’m all in favor of firmly lowering the boom. But this is more about the intent of the words, rather than the words themselves.
16 |
Sleep Sense First Edition
IS SLEEP TRAINING STRESSFUL BABY? FOR YOUR
I
f you’re considering sleep training your child, you’ve probably done some research online and found some troubling “information” that suggests allowing your child to cry at night can actually cause brain damage. That would be a major cause for concern, obviously, if it were true. But, luckily for you and your child, it’s not.
An article published a number of years back on AskDrSears.com suggested that researchers had found a link between allowing children to cry during sleep training and increased levels of adrenaline and the hormone cortisol, which, according to the article, “…may have permanent implications on the development of sections of their brain.”
In a follow up to the Pediatrics study that Sears refers to in his original article, the conclusions clearly state that, “Parents and health professionals can confidently use [behavioral sleep] techniques to reduce the short- to medium-term burden of infant sleep problems and maternal depression.” So how did Dr. Sears manage to stir up all of this hysteria in the first place? The type of stress your child experiences when she cries for short periods at night is what’s known as positive stress. This is the type of stress we experience when we’re facing a challenge that we can overcome, and that only lasts a brief period of time. Things like public speaking, job interviews, trying a new sport, and first dates are good examples of positive stress. The experiences researchers found to cause the elevated levels of cortisol that were actually damaging to a child’s development were found in babies who were outright neglected and left to cry when they were hungry, had wet diapers, and so on. This is called toxic stress, and it occurs when the cause of the stress is persistent and all encompassing. By failing to distinguish between ne-
glected babies and those who were allowed to cry during sleep training, Sears’ article made a lot of false assumptions and generated a lot of pointless apprehension. The truth is, you and your child both need a good night’s sleep in order to function properly; both independently and as a family unit. I could go on for days about sleep’s role in the regeneration of serotonin and dopamine, but there’s really no need to get too scientific about it. We all know firsthand that we just feel so much better when we get a good night’s sleep. We’re happier, more energetic, we have an easier time concentrating, and life’s little challenges don’t weigh so heavy on our minds. In short, a proper night’s sleep allows us to function like we’re meant to. That goes for you and your child. Sleep training also has benefits beyond those wonderful, rest-filled nights. According to Dr. Anna Price, (who, incidentally, was the lead author in one of the studies Sears cited in his article), “Teaching parents to regulate their children’s sleep behavior is a form of limit setting that, combined with parental warmth, constitutes the optimal, authoritative, parenting style for child outcomes.”
The Guardian newspaper picked up the article and the hysteria quickly spread. What the article failed to mention was that the researchers who had conducted the study didn’t agree with his interpretation of their findings; quite the opposite, in fact. Articles in Time and Slate magazine exposed the junk science of the article shortly after its publication, but by that time, people had already jumped on the bandwagon and were perpetuating the rumor. First Edition Sleep
Sense | 17
HOT TIPS
PUTTING THE ROMANCE BACK INTO DATE NIGHT
There’s a lot to be said for properly sleep training your kids; restful evenings, good daytime moods, maintaining your sanity, but one major advantage of having a child that sleeps through the night is the ability to get some fancy clothes on, leave your little one with a sitter, and have a night of fun, intimacy, and connection with your spouse. About a year after I had my first baby, I was talking with a group of moms from my community, and I heard one of them chatting about her devotion to her kids. “They’re my only priority in life now. They’re the only thing that matters to me,” she said. I’m sure she meant it well, but I couldn’t help thinking, “How would your husband feel to know that he’s not on your list of priorities anymore?” New parents, new mothers espe-
You finally have a night to yourselves. Here’s how to make the most of it. cially, tend to forget that they need to focus on other things besides their kids every once in a while. There’s nothing wrong with devoting yourself to your kids, but devoting yourself entirely to them is a good way to burn yourself out and probably harm your marriage.
Don’t treat date night as an option I know that every parent faces a hectic schedule, and the temptation is hard to resist when Friday night rolls around and the two of you get that, “I’d rather just stay home,” kind of feeling. For the majority of couples, date night is the first thing they’re willing to scratch off the calendar when other commitments demand their time. We tend to see it as a luxury, and unlike most appointments, it can be perpetually put off until the following week.I’ve even spoken with couples that viewed date night as
18 |
Sleep Sense First Edition
indulgent, irresponsible, or selfish. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. Taking the time to recharge your marital batteries is beneficial to your entire family; primarily for you and your spouse, sure, but your kids benefit from seeing Mom and Dad stepping out for the evening as well. Kids love to see their parents happy. They may have an initial bout of jealousy because they’re not invited, or apprehension about being left with a sitter, but that will pass; especially once it becomes routine. Talk to them while you’re getting ready, let them help you pick out something to wear, and show them how excited you are to be going out for a special evening.
Don’t discuss your kids If you’re like most parents, you spend the vast majority of your conversations with each other dis-
cussing your children. Make a mental note, “We’re not talking about the kids tonight.” Tell your partner to do the same, and call each other out if one of you starts to forget it. This is an opportunity for you and your partner to focus specifically on the two of you. Take the time to ask each other questions about, you know, each other! You’ll be surprised at how much you’ve lost track of one another’s thoughts on political affairs, world events, and life in general since the last time you talked about something other than the kids.
Turn off your phones Few things tell another person that you’re not interested in what they’re saying quite like checking your phone every ten minutes. If someone did
that to you on a first date, would you even entertain the thought of a second one? This isn’t just a night away from the kids; it’s about the two of you, just the two of you, being together. Don’t invite your contact list to join you.I know this is easier said than done when there’s a child at home that might have an emergency, but try setting a designated ring tone for your sitter, or wait to check your phone unless one of you leaves the table. Remember, this is the person you
chose to share your life with, so go ahead and take the opportunity to do exactly that. Ask questions, evoke happy memories, joke around, but remember to keep your attention on one another! The choice is up to you. You can either make time for date night, or make time for couple’s therapy. I can assure you, the former is much more enjoyable. (And usually much more affordable!)
First Edition Sleep
Sense | 19
ATTENTION DEFICIT When I was a grade one teacher, I was constantly shocked at how late many of my students went to bed. Many of them actually went to sleep at around the same time I did. I wasn’t a sleep expert then, but I remember thinking that kids must need more sleep than that! I also noticed that the ones who reported staying up the latest were the ones I had the most trouble with throughout the day. They tended to be impulsive, moody, and had a harder time staying on task. If you were to bring your child to a psychologist in the 1990s, and told him that your child was displaying these symptoms, there’s a good chance he’d have been diagnosed with ADHD. The truth is, you might still get the same diagnosis today. ADHD affects a lot of children, but the similarities I found between the habits of sleep-deprived kids in my classroom and the symptoms of ADHD had me wondering, “Could these behaviours be the result of a lack of sleep?” As it turns out, the parallels in symptoms between the two are even more specific than I had imagined. So much so, in fact, that many children are still being diagnosed with ADHD when, in fact, their issue is a lack of proper sleep.
20 |
SleepgSense Ma azine First First Edition Edition
T DECEPTION IS LACK OF SLEEP RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILD’S ADHD DIAGNOSIS? IT’S MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK. A 2006 study in Pediatrics looked at a group of children who were having their tonsils removed in order to treat breathing problems during sleep. Out of the 78 children who were undergoing the surgery, 28 percent of them had been diagnosed with ADHD. (For comparison, The American Psychiatric Association says that 5 percent of American children have ADHD.)
with ADHD no longer displayed symptoms after they started getting a proper night’s sleep.
A year after the surgery, 11 of the 22 children no longer met the criteria for having ADHD.
This isn’t meant to be a criticism of modern child psychology by any means. After all, diagnosing a sleeping disorder requires hours of costly observation and analysis, whereas ADHD can be diagnosed (correctly or incorrectly) through a single visit to a psychologist’s office.
Put simply,, half of the children who had been professionally diagnosed
A 2013 article in the New York Times, entitled “Diagnosing the Wrong Deficit,” pointed me to this study, along with some other fascinating information about the long-term effects of sleep deprivation in both children and adults.
The fact is, there’s an astounding amount of similarity between the symptoms, and many children with ADHD do experience trouble sleeping through the night. But I think the tendency these days when someone hears words like hyperactive, unfocused and irritable, is to snap to the familiar diagnosis without necessarily looking deeper to check for alternative issues. . Again, I’m not trying to second-guess the medical community here, but if your child is experiencing the typical symptoms of ADHD, I strongly recommend that you speak with your doctor about the possibility that it might be due to poor sleep habits before you start with medication and psychoanalysis. There’s certainly no harm in asking, and you might be doing your child, and yourself, a world of good.
First Edition Sleep
Sense | 21
It worked for your baby
Now it can work for you
Register now to become a Certified Sleep Sense™ Consultant www.sleepsense.net/greatestjob