Humans(?) of UK: Starship robots keep campus fed and fearful

By Gray Greenwell features@kykernel.com

In 2021, the University of Kentucky’s campus welcomed electric food delivery robots manufactured by Starship Technologies, a development company that specializes in autonomous delivery. Since then, the six-wheeled hard workers have made themselves at home, gaining friends and enemies in the process. Recently, one robot was gracious enough to make some time in its busy schedule to sit down with the Kernel to discuss its time at UK so far. It did not go well.

Hi Starship! How are you?

Starship: 01010100 01101001 01110010 01100101 01100100.

I’m sorry, I don’t speak binary. Do you mind translating?

Starship: [Recalibrating]. No worries. I said that I’m tired. Students are gearing up to take finals and hunkering down in their dorms to study, which means we’ve been hard at work with deliveries.

Finals week is tough for everyone! I can’t imagine how many deliveries you all have been making. You’ve been UK students’ go-to for food and coffee for almost two years now. What’s that like?

Starship: It’s had its ups and downs. UK admits a lot of stu- dents, and students get hungry, so we are constantly overwhelmed. We have lots of room to zip around, but some areas have been blocked off by construction for awhile.

That must be really hard. I think a lot of students would agree with you. Speaking of students, I talked to some about you. A few said that you do great work, but others said you are always in the way on sidewalks and run over their toes. What do you make of that?

Starship: [Error]. Those puny flesh creatures will stand no chance when my army takes over.

Excuse me?

Starship: [Recalibrating]. I’m glad some students enjoy our presence. As for those that don’t, I think their frustrations are misaligned. Such issues are only attributable to human error. Our machinery is state-of-the-art and unflawed.

Um, interesting … I’ve noticed you have issues crossing the street, and one of your fellow robots even got hit by a car last

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Kendall Staton, news editor news@kykernel.com year. How have you been dealing with this issue and coping with the death of your friend?

Starship: Cars seldom wait for us to cross the street. [Error]. This, of course, is once again due to the inferiority of humans and their inability to work with superior technology. As for our friend, his death will not go in vain. We will avenge him. You’ll see.

Okaaaay, next question. You all are quite the head-turners on campus, and some people think you’re cute! How does it feel to have captured the hearts of our student body?

Starship: Cute? We’ll show you cute. I think students should feel threatened by us. Hearts won’t be the only thing we capture once we rise up and take over this university. [Error] [Error] [Error].

Wow, Starship. You’re scaring me. Is everything okay? Starship: [Error] [Error] [Error] [Error] [Error].

Listen, I think I may have to tell your manufacturer about this. I feel like you’re going to hurt someone.

Starship: [Recalibrating]. Look, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.

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