GOLDEN FORKS

Years ago – or so the legend goes – an embittered Kernelite came back to the office, upset, hurt and insulted. A prominent campus figure had unfairly harangued the young reporter for an offense that he did not commit.

It was at that moment, in the heat and sweat of frustration, that the young editor vowed revenge. From those feelings of hate the Golden Forks were born. As a testament to the young reporter, we take it upon ourselves to strike back with venomous pleasure at those who have wronged the mighty “Fourth Estate.”

Editor’s note: OK, so that’s a lie. We’re college students who feel like venting their frustrations at the end of the year. And in a post-COVID world, we have more than enough source material for roasts and equally great need for some humor to lighten our days. It’s unfortunate that some of you must bear the brunt of that, but it’s also unfortunate that we had to deal with it in the first place.

Until then, if you’re upset, feel free to send in letters to the editor-in-chief as always. But this is the last paper, so they won’t get printed, but we’ll still read them. Have a good summer.

This blurb was adapted from the April 28, 1989, edition of the Golden Forks awards.

BEST REPRESENTATIVE OF MEXICAN CUISINE: Champions Kitchen

The best representation of Mexican cuisine award goes to Champions Kitchen! We hope you’re hungry, because on Monday we’re having tacos! And on Tuesday we’re having tacos! And on Wednesday we’re having tacos! And on Thursday we’re having … nachos! Don’t even bother saying “That’s good!” as the Champs employees pile meat and fajita vegetables onto your nachos. They can’t hear you. They will hand you back the most egregiously tall plate of nachos you’ve ever seen, onions falling at your feet as you try to balance them back to the table to eat maybe half of them. Remember the days when Champions Kitchen used to alternate between Greek and Mexican food weekly? We miss that. Those gyros used to hit. Now, students are stuck choosing between the same beef or chicken and the same toppings. Every. Single. Day. At least they’re consistent.

BEST COMMUNITY OUTREACH AWARD: Isaac Sutherland and Mallory Hudson

This year, some of UK’s best and brightest student leaders went above and beyond to connect with the community. That being said, there can only be one winner of the “Best Community Outreach” award. This year’s winner of the award is the Sutherland/Hudson Student Government Association campaign! Sadly, Sutherland and Hudson were disqualified from the SGA presidential election on 24 counts of community outreach. This included:

Visiting sororities where they came off as “forceful.”

Accessing private phone numbers from Greek life phone books and then sending mass texts urging people to vote for their campaign. Setting up posters in the William T. Young Library, a “campaign free zone.”

Creating an entirely new unauthorized polling location for the election. But they stuck true to the people and filed for an appeal. Sutherland said they just wanted the student voices to be heard. Ultimately, we give this award to the Sutherland/Hudson campaign because of the absolute travesty of them being disqualified from the election.

MOST LIKELY TO BE HIT BY A CAR NEAR CAMPUS: Literally anyone.

Within just two days of the 2023 spring semester’s start, two students were hit by vehicles near UK’s campus. While the Kernel waited with bated breath for a third — because bad things always come in threes — we asked ourselves: how could this happen? Is this simply the result of poor driving? Are students who brace the trek over the many crosswalks on and near campus braver than the marines? Was this a bad omen? Is humanity as we know it on the brink of total collapse? Regardless, one thing’s for certain: quite literally anyone could be next. It’s clear that the squealing rubber of tires and the rusty hoods of cars don’t discriminate here, so we advise all students to look left and right twice before crossing any street. Maybe one more time for good measure. And if you think the car is going to stop for you, it’s probably not.

BEST DRESSED: John Calipari

College basketball coaches used to sport their best suits on the sidelines, but that tradition has long been fading. At the front of the athleisure-style trend is Kentucky mens basketball head coach John Calipari. While Coach Cal opted for dri-fit and quarter zips for the entirety of the season, he even stuck with it for postseason play.

Calipari kept his suits at home for both the SEC Tournament and NCAA Tournament for the first time this year. Whether it’s all the sweating or just hopping on the trend, Calipari in a suit is not what fans should expect to see anytime soon.

BEST ADVERTISEMENT CAMPAIGN: Is Kentucky a Football or Basketball School?

One of the hottest topics of the year was whether Kentucky was a football or basketball school. Either way you look at it, both teams had star players and high expectations. Unfortunately, finishing the Music City Bowl game against Iowa was not the outcome fans hoped for. On the flip side, if you ask some, the drought with Kentucky mens basketball national championships was thought for sure to be over this year.

However, it didn’t end up mattering which side of the debate you were on, because both teams ended up in the same place: watching the national championship from the couches of their homes.

LEAST LIKELY TO KNOW WHAT THE WORD ‘INADVERTENTLY’ MEANS: Riley Hall

In March, a video from a Kentucky Kernel photographer went viral after Riley Hall, a member of the University of Arkansas mens basketball coaching staff, appeared to grab his phone to stop the photographer from recording the team’s head coach as he left the court. A statement from Hunter Yurachek, the university’s vice chancellor and director of athletics, said that Hall’s interaction with the photographer “inadvertently” resulted in his phone being knocked out of his hand. Because of course it did. This is just like when the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand inadvertently caused World War I, or when Will Smith inadvertently slapped Chris Rock at last year’s Oscars. Maybe we should have handed Hall a thesaurus to find a better word to use, but then again, he would have just inadvertently thrown it.

MOST LIKELY TO BLOW REALLY HARD: Lexington weather

After wind speeds peaked around 70 mph on March 3, there is no other competitor to be named the hardest blower than the Lexington weather. Now, despite setting the mood by shutting off all the power and forcing people to stay indoors, the everlasting memory left victims rather dissatisfied than satisfied. Not many were fond of the more aggressive approach, leaving buildings to be torn apart, stairwells and cars to be destroyed and wood to be blown down instead of standing up. And yes, we all love a toxic hookup, but most prefer the mental damages over the physical ones. Nonetheless, that didn’t stop the Kernel staff from wanting to experience such a blow ourselves, covering life reporting and videography for the whole internet to see.

BEST DORM ON CAMPUS: Boyd Hall

With housing decisions for incoming students around the corner, there is no better dorm than Boyd Hall. With top-of-the-line security and national attention, it is the most popular spot on campus. Upon arrival don’t forget to check in at the front desk for felony charges and a complimentary leather mini-skirt. If you can ignore the faint smell of hair bleach that lingers in the lobby, there is no better place to live. Just make sure to keep your phone on silent as Boyd Hall itself is known to receive incessant calls with lessthan-desirable information. We hope to see you this fall at the renowned Boyd Hall.

BEST COUPLE: Blair Green and CJ Frederick

It’s been four months since Kentucky basketball guards CJ Fredrick and Blair Green captivated Kentucky’s hearts with the announcement of their engagement over the holidays.

Fredrick knew little of what was to come when he arrived on campus as a transfer from Iowa in August 2021, as Green prepared for what was to be her senior season. Unfortunately, things would go sideways for the pair as both Green and Fredrick suffered season ending injuries that withheld them from the hardwood for the 20212022 season.

Luckily, the pair had each other throughout the rehabilitation process and they both returned to the court for the 2022-2023 season.

With the conclusion of Green’s college basketball career and Frederick announcing his entry into the transfer portal, the pair now look to the future — one that includes vows.

MOST LIKELY TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS: Sophia Rosing

After a recording of Sophia Rosing assaulting a student employee on campus went viral in November 2022, UK president Eli Capilouto banned her from campus. The assault and racist rant inspired an on-campus protest and garnered national media attention. Despite entering multiple not guilty pleas in the legal proceeding for the assault case, Rosing has reaped at least one consequence for her violent actions, with the possibility of more on the horizon. Anyone who thinks Rosing should not have to face such harsh punishment for her own free will can sign a petition started by her mother, Jill Rosing, protesting the revocation of her student status. “No one is perfect, and no one is above perfection,” Jill wrote to begin the petition. “We all make mistakes and no mistake should cost someone everything.”

BEST RECYCLING AID ON CAMPUS: Oscar Sort

“Oscar Sort” is a new artificial intelligence waste-sorting system catapulting the students and faculty of UK into sustainability success. Because normal recycling methods like using common sense to dispose of waste are too complicated for the campus community, implementing state-of-the-art technology like Oscar Sort will help students better determine where to throw away their Starbucks cups with as little critical thinking as possible. If one of Oscar Sort’s two locations are too far of a walk, the giant charts attached to all other recycling bins on campus are a great way to make better disposal choices and are so easy to understand that a kindergartener could figure them out! But if making these choices is too complicated for the average student, the good old fashioned trash can is always a viable option. Even with our mounting waste crisis, what’s one more coffee cup, right?

Njioieji jiojoij gj Hey ojgj iiij jojoij’ oigjoij ojoijoijojoijo jeij

Joeijgojeij kiji jeijgo jeioje jsjj UK hiojgojwojg;oij;oij;oi

Oij;oijo;j;oijojji;oj;oijo jo maybe mo;ijg;oij;ojg;oj;oiwj;oij;oj

Oij;oj; don’t joi;jg;oij;oj j;oij;oij;oj;oij deny joij;oij;oij;oij;oij;

J;oij;oij;oij;oij;oij;oijj;oij;oijoij our jo;ij;oij;oij;oij;oij;oij;oi;oij;oj

Jioj;oij;oijoij; open records jioj;oij;oij;oij;oij requests? jioj

Kp’jj; But jio;oij;oij;oij;oij;o ;oij;oij;o j;oij;oj;oij;oij;oij;oijoij;oj;o

J;oij;oj;oij;oij;oij;oij thanks joij;j;oj;oij;oij;oij ;oij;oij f for jo;ij;oi

;oij; giving us o;ij;oij;oij;oij;oij;oij the awerawfaefawefeaw faaaafawefawef chance aweaefwaef to cite our

Awefw own awefawfawe six-year legal awfeaef case

Awef awefwaef as awfaefewafeaefawefaefafeafaefaefawef

Awefawfeafaeaefafeaef precedent, that awfaefaefa

Awefaw was awefaefafffwaefafeaefa fun awefafweafwae

UK RETAIL PHARMACIES

Open to everyone. Most insurance accepted.

Heading home for the summer?

Get a 90-day supply of your prescriptions before you leave. .

Just let us know when you request your refills

– it's that easy!

We also offer r free mail delivery on most prescriptions

Stop by our convenient retail locations:

The Apothecary is located in the UK Gatton Student Center, first floor, across from the Cats Den.

Open Monday-Friday 7:30 a.m. - 7 p.m.

University Health Pharmacy is located on the first floor of the University Health Service Building.

Open Monday-Friday 8 a.m. - 5:30 p.m.

Transferring or refilling prescriptions is easy!

Just scan the QR code, select the transfer or refill link and fill out the simple form. Be sure to have your prescription informmation and your prescription insurance card (if you have one) handy when you start P23-059