18.
1
beginning. accusation. restless. snowflake. haze. flame. breathe. companion. move. silver. prepared. knowledge. denial. wind. order. gratitude. friendship. savior.
2
EMERSON
beginning accusation restless snowflake
3
1-18: beginning
the most bitter inhale of a cigarette is the first and i know this now because i have tried it with a friend of a friend of a friend that i hardly know. his name is john. that’s what he tells me. it is a burning sensation in my chest, a burning sensation because i know at the back of my mind that my mother will kill me if she ever found out but god i feel so alive and can you blame me? my fingers tremble as i put the stick to my lips and my heart beats so fast i am afraid that my mother can hear it all the way at home where she lies in a bed with a man that is not my father, but i do not dare fight it, do not dare reject it, do not dare say no. i think about how this will anger her and it is both the same thought that makes me shake and makes me inhale the dirty air anyway. i think about how angry she will be but god i don’t stop anyway. can you 4
blame me? john smiles at me with his pretty pink lips, and he takes the cigarette from my fingers because it is his turn. his hands are faster than mine, but i wouldn’t have stopped him anyway. he has that look in his eyes that tells me he wouldn’t have listened, and i tell myself that he is not the kind of boy my mother would like to see me with, but i stay anyway, and can you blame me? ( later on, i hear the sound of the sirens but they are so distant compared to looking at john. later on, i smell the smoke rising from the rooftops, and i see the blazing fire, but i do nothing except smile at the boy in front of me. ) can you blame me?
5
2-18: accusation
her eyes are a burning pool of anger and i am a puddle of poorly made excuses but i hold my head up high as though this does not matter to me, as though fear escapes me even though my hands are trembling my mother taught me not to lie but neither did she teach me how to tell the truth, and so i am standing here with(out) both perched on the tip of my tongue, ready. it always goes the same way anyway: she tells me that i am a poor excuse for a son and that i am a bad example of a child and that i am a useless piece of -i’d rather not continue all that she’s ever called me.
6
3-18: restless
there is no refuge for souls like mine bad things happen to souls that are good simply because god likes to play jokes and bad things happen to souls that are bad because god thinks they deserve them. but nothing ever happens to neutral souls, to souls that are neither black nor white, but are somewhere in between dirty and clean. god does not pay us enough attention; he doesn’t have time. and we are floating, floating, making a home in a world where not even god makes time for us.
7
4-18: snowflake
There is a legend around these parts of town, a legend named JOHN. John. His name is a holy word, and his smile a sacred place that people line up to see, and every part of him a church that people visit to worship. John, John, John. And he is pure and he is holy and he is everything that anyone ever wanted to be. His skin is the perfect shade of brown, and his eyes even darker than that, and I hear that people swoon when they hear him speak. Thus, the surprise that came to him when I said I do not know him that first night with the cigarette. I don’t tell him it has something to do with the way I had been sheltered my whole life, with the way I had heard that only Jesus was the salvation I need. I don’t tell him it’s because boys like him are reason for trouble, and I don’t tell him it’s because I had never believed in religion until him. Instead, I say it’s because I’ve never been the type to listen in. He only smiles in return, and I try not to be like the others who fall for these silly things, but I find myself smiling in return. Like HELL, he’s made a mark on me. Like HELL, I’ve turned into one of his believers. But then he offers that cigarette, you know? He offers that cigarette, and I take it, and my mother scolds me when I come home, and I wonder if my soul is as dark as my lungs or if I’m still somewhere gray.
8
I shouldn’t have taken it – I know, I know. But I did.
9
HAZEL
haze flame breathe companion move
10
5-18: haze
( fire, fire. red flames, yellow heat. it is everywhere, and it is spreading. fast. and i can’t breathe, i can’t bre-breathe, i can’t brea-- ) the smell comes first, strong but slightly subdued by all the alcohol I had in my system that night it all happened. Maybe I had been too happy to tell, or maybe I had just been out of it that I couldn’t notice anything but the way Sophie laughed. but later that night, I remember the police, and the ambulance, and the pain in my legs bursting like the fire that had swallowed me whole and I remember wanting to cut my legs off for aching so much, and I wanted to give up, give up, give up because the pain was spreading. and I don’t remember anyone there in that warehouse except for Sophie. I don’t remember anything but waiting for Emerson to come visit. I don’t know anything but the flame, don’t remember seeing anything but the fire.
11
I remember not being able to breathe.
12
6-18: flame
If only I had taken notice of that first smell of smoke, then maybe things would be different, and I would not be lying here in a hospital bed screaming for mercy, holding my father’s hand as he cries whilst looking at me -or at least what is left of me anyway. If only I had been more aware of my surroundings, then I would have taken notice of that first spark that ignited the flames, and then maybe I would be sitting doing my homework instead of being poked and pried and struck through with needles as they draw blood out for test after test after test and maybe then I would be happy because death is not lying around the corner ready to take me
13
7-18: breathe
breathe, breathe, breathe, they tell me and I am trying but it is difficult when there’s a fire caught in your lungs, burning all that had ever made you up, and there’s a curse living under your skin, its rawness as terrifying as it is painful, and I am trying but it is difficult. you do not see yourself in me, but you see pity and while I hate the look in your eyes, I can do nothing but feel the same way for myself. but I’m breathing, I’m breathing, I’m breathing. maybe I’ll make it.
14
8-18: companion
please don’t look at me, i am begging. i am a paper heart that has been trampled on, and i am not pretty. sophie, she does not take my hand after i say this, but neither does she look away from me, as though she’s determined to prove i am not the monster i think i am. she does not smile, but the look on her face tells me that she is just waiting for me to be ready. she does not say anything, but the look on her face tells me that she is just waiting for me to give her permission to speak. and so i do. and she says, i am so sorry like it is her fault i am where i am; as though she didn’t try everything to get us to safety; as though she wasn’t hurt either, and that i was the only one who was hurting. 15
9-18: move
there is something for me out there, something for me maybe after this hell. maybe one day when my skin dries up, and my feet can stay on the ground for longer than two seconds, then i can reach it. it might not be that great. it might not be half of what i think it is when i'm properly alive and not half dead, but it’ll be something.
something worthy. something worth it.
now, if i can only move so much as an inch, reach out with my fingers and pick up the pieces of what i've been through, then maybe i might actually reach it.
16
SOPHIE
silver prepared knowledge denial
17
10-18: silver
mama said don’t you dare mama said girls don’t fall in love with girls so i never said anything in return never said how i loved and was loved in return by a girl who could be my savior never said how i ached and i longed to touch and to be touched in return by the girl whose every breath tasted like home never said how my lips brushed against hers never said how my heart dreamed of being with her never ever ever then mama said how come you never speak mama didn’t say how come i never listen
18
11-18: prepared
everything was ready: from the candles, to the music, to me.
were you? i couldn’t tell at first. but you walked into the room as the most beautiful girl.
i knew everything was ready then.
19
12-18: knowledge
i didn’t know i swear i didn’t / i didn’t know i swear i didn’t / i didn’t know i swear i didn’t / I DIDN’T KNOW I SWEAR I DIDN’T / AT FIRST THERE WAS ME AND HAZEL AND ME AND HAZEL AND I SWEAR HAD YOU BEEN IN MY POSITION YOU WOULDN’T KNOW EITHER / but then next we were jumping on our feet trying to save the things we’d laid out for a picnic / and then next the fire was catching up to us like liquid / and then next there was nothing but flames and me trying to get to safety / and hazel still trying to save the little things / and then next there was nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHING / CAN YOU HEAR ME????
20
13-18: denial
i keep wishing it was me instead. but it wasn’t.
21
JOHN
wind order gratitude friendship savior
22
14-18: wind
enough about being iron or silver or stardust or gold / i am tired and i can never be any of these things / so screw it / screw what the people say / screw aspiring to be any of these / i am the wind / and i will go as i please / i am the wind / and i am not here enough about being iron or silver or stardust or gold / enough about celestial beings / enough about being otherworldly / i am of this world / i am of this world enough about being iron or silver or stardust or gold / enough about being something that words cannot describe / enough enough enough enough / i am the wind / i am the wind / i’ll say it until everyone believes me
23
15-18: order
in some other life, some future version of today, i will be standing with a boy i love while laughing at everything in some other life, some future version of today, the boy i love will love me back in a way unafraid because his parents won’t hurt him in some other life, some future version of today, the boy i love will be happy. but right now we inhale dirty smoke and laugh at the sky even though nothing is funny.
24
16-18: gratitude
i take his hand he blushes i kiss his face he says thank you i pull back he says i have to go
25
17-18: friendship
he leaves and i am alone with my thoughts and the way he smells and from the far side of the block where he went i see the fire i set
26
18-18: savior
i am not a savior i am not a savior i am not a savior i am not a savior i am not anything holy but i swear to god i didn’t mean it
27