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TROY GRAMLING
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Preface Foreword Introduction STEP ONE: DISCOVERY Who are you? Discover your gifts, talents, and dreams, and you’re halfway to your potential. CHAPTER 1 I’M NOT SCOTT: DISCOVERING YOUR TRUE IDENTITY Wished, praying, or trying to be somebody e won’t work. Your potential is yours alone. CHAPTER 2 BEWARE THE MANHOLE: THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-AWARENESS If you risk a little vulnerability and ask others about your gifts and shortcomings, you’ll be greatly rewarded. CHAPTER 3 NAKED AND NOT AFRAID: AUTHENTICITY IS EVERYTHING Are you living an authentic life or hiding some where on the backside of the desert? Confront your past and you’ll be released from it. CHAPTER 4
LET MY PEOPLE GO: PROCLAIMING THE VISION Time to give voice to the potential that God has whispered to you, and you’ve finally chosen to hear.
STEP TWO: CHALLENGES Why is this so hard? Challenges are coming; expect them and you’ll persevere. CHAPTER 5
OLD HABITS DIE HARD: UNEXPECTED OPPOSITION When you believe that you are on the path is when the roadblocks appear.
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CHAPTER 6 IS THIS REALLY PROGRESS?: THE ROUNDABOUT WAY God took the Israelites the roundabout way in order to prepare them for their future success. We’re going that way, too. CHAPTER 7 DOUBT IS HUMAN, NOT DIVINE: GIANTS, COMPLAINTS, AND BAD DECISIONS Moses dealt with criticism, confronted the giants in the Promised Land, and made some bad decisions. Expect that you will as well.
STEP THREE: COMMUNITY You’re not alone! Help is all around you, if you just know how to find it. CHAPTER 8 WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT: HELP FROM THE HINTERLANDS Moses’s father-in-law surprised him with his support. Help from unexpected sources will propel you forward. CHAPTER 9 THE BATTLE OF JERICHO: CHALLENGES REVEAL COMPANIONS Just because you have had a breakthrough doesn’t mean there aren’t more battles—but they will only strengthen you. CHAPTER 10
THE EXTRA MILE IS THE LAST MILE: TRUE SUCCESS IS A SUCCESSOR Potential doesn’t end with you. Help others rise up and reach their potential as well.
Epilogue Bibliography
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“
Potential is not an uncommon word. But it’s a powerful one. To declare that you are going to help others manifest their God-given potential is, perhaps, more than most people or churches or businesses want to promise.
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PREFACE
I will always remember the very first time that I trusted Christ. I was nine years old, at a revival, sitting next to my mom at Calvary Baptist Church in Paragould, Arkansas. I was a shy kid. I might have nodded on other Sundays when the preacher asked me if I was saved. But on this Sunday, I heard Christ’s voice, whispering, “Trust me.” I was truly convicted. Since that day, I can’t remember a time when Christ has called me to do something and I haven’t done it. Oh, I’m not perfect. There have been times when I’ve rebelled, or dragged my heels, and not done what I know He wants me to do. But DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
eventually, there I am, humbled, getting back on the path. Writing this book has been a journey. It’s something that I’ve known God has wanted me to do. In some sense, I’ve been disobedient, as I have known it for a decade. But I’ve wrestled with it. I’ve been a pastor for almost thirty years. I feel confident in what God’s given me to say out loud. But when it came to the page, I was afraid. I knew God wanted me to use the written word, but I wasn’t quite sure why. Honestly, part of me just wanted to finish this book so I could say, “I did it, God! Let’s move on to the next thing!” For me, it always comes back to the word potential. When we began the process of changing the name of our church here in Florida in 2010, from Flamingo Road Baptist Church as it had been known for thirty years, it was a practical decision. If we were going to have multiple sites, in cities and countries where it’s hard to grow churches, having a pink bird as our rallying cry wasn’t going to work. But the name change became much more than that. I believe that God calls certain people at a certain time to a certain place. And I knew that my wife Stephanie and I had been brought to this church from our home in Arkansas to help people connect to their potential. Not just to better themselves, but to change the world for good. The name Potential Church seemed perfect. Just to be safe, I checked that the digital handles—website DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
name, Twitter, Facebook, etc—for “potential” were still available. I was shocked to see that they all indeed were. Potential is not an uncommon word. But it’s a powerful one. To declare that you are going to help others manifest their Godgiven potential is, perhaps, more than most people or churches or businesses want to promise. But, since the day we introduced Potential Church to the world, not a day goes by that I don’t see someone connect to the name. For a name to actually carry a thought, a calling, a message: I’ve got to believe that seeing someone wearing a “Potential Church” T-shirt is one of the moments that new followers are inspired to enter our doors. Over the years, leading and working with people to find and fulfill their God-given potential, I have determined that there appear to be three distinct steps along the way: A time of discovery, where one asks questions of oneself and others to discover their gifts, talents, and dreams. A series of challenges. One should know that they are coming; to expect them is to persevere. A creation of community. Help is all around you, if you just know how to find it. So when I really thought about what it would mean for someone in a dark place, a dead-end job, at loose ends, to DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
see a book called “Unleash Your Potential” and just maybe pick it up, I knew it was time for me to unleash my potential and write it. Life is not just about existing. God has a brilliant plan for each of us from the beginning—we just have to connect to it. The hungry will be fed. There will be peace instead of brokenness and war. But when you lose God, you lose that sense of purpose, that potential. According to a study at the University of Scranton, cited in Inc. magazine in 2018, only eight percent of people actually fulfill their New Year’s goals—eight percent! And I would venture that in today’s society people are struggling more than ever to unleash their potential, to make a difference in their families, their businesses, and their communities. I have found that once you clear some roadblocks—take a good look in the rear-view mirror, prepare for slowdowns, and choose your traveling companions—the road to realizing your potential is smooth. Such has been, finally, the writing of this book. I hope you enjoy it. Reach out and let me know.
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Step One: Discover
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Who are you? Discover your gifts, talents, and dreams, and your hallway to your potential. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
CHAPTER 1 I’m not Scott: Discovering Your True Identity
When I was in fifth grade, long before cell phones and social media, we boys would write love notes to the girls. These love notes were simple and to the point: a crumpled scrap of looseleaf paper, passed during math class: “I love you. Do you love me? Yes or No. Please circle one.” While we were trying to get the girls to “love” us, they only had eyes for someone else: Scott Baio. He played the role of Chachi on the popular TV DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
sitcom Happy Days, and was all over the pages of celebrity magazines like Tiger Beat. Sitting in church, I decided to start praying that God would make me look like Scott Baio. Before bed, I prayed: “God, overnight please make me look like Scott Baio, so the girls will like me.” I honestly expected that God would answer my prayers, only to wake up the next morning and discover that nothing had happened. I was still me. I didn’t give up, though. The next day at school I asked one of the girls in my class if I could borrow her copy of Tiger Beat, the one with the Scott Baio centerfold. She looked at me funny, but said yes. That night, I laid the poster out on my bed, and said, “God, maybe you don’t know what he looks like. THIS is Scott Baio. Please make me look like him in the morning.” I went to bed that night, filled with expectations—but to no avail. In the morning I was still me. Sadly, even as an adult there have been times when I’ve wanted to be somebody other than who I am. I’ve wished I were an extrovert instead of an introvert; a basketball coach rather than a pastor; or Joel Osteen instead of Troy Gramling. My guess is that there have also been times in your life when you’ve wished, prayed, or even tried to be somebody else, anybody other than who you are. You and I are not alone. Moses, who many believe to be the DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
most accomplished leader in all of the Bible, who was chosen by God to lead his people out of slavery and into the Promised Land, who would lead His people to their destiny: he had the same kind of thoughts. When Moses was told by God that he had been chosen for such an extraordinary adventure, his response wasn’t one of excitement or confidence. He replied, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11). On three different occasions, God reminded Moses of who he was, and how He had created him for a calling such as this. God was also quick to let Moses know that this journey wasn’t something that he would have to travel alone. As you read these words, you know that just like Moses you were created for something more than you are experiencing right now. But, like Moses, we ask, “Who am I?” We read about greatness, and then scroll through stories of heroism on Instagram or Facebook, and think, I could never do that. We believe that heroes are different, that they don’t have the same problems or struggles that we wrestle with on a daily basis. They must have more money, a better education. There has to be something; after all, you are barely keeping your head above water. But is that true?
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Moses overcame his fear. He reached his potential. And you can do the same! Maps have been around as long as we have. But it is with the introduction of GPS, the network of satellites orbiting the Earth that broadcast radio signals at the speed of light, that we were able to pinpoint exactly where we were at any given moment. As long as your GPS is turned on, you always know where you are on the map, and which direction to turn next. Turn off your GPS locator, and Google Maps is of no use to you. To unleash your potential, you must turn on your GPS. You have to discover your true identity, who you really are underneath all your fear. Not who you want to be, but the you God created when He knit you together in your mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13) As pastor Rick Warren says: “You are not an accident. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He wanted you alive and created you for a purpose. Focusing on yourself will never reveal your real purpose. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life will never make sense. Only in God do we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny.” When Moses continued to protest, “What if they won’t believe DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
me or listen to me?” God asked, “What is that in your hand?” (Exodus 4:1-2 NLT). Rather than focus on what you don’t have, or what you can’t do, why not ask, What’s in my hand? What are the gifts you have? What are you passionate about? Where have you been? And even, How have you failed in the past? These questions will lead you to unleashing what you already have in your hand: your potential. I love the word potential. In 2010 I changed the name of our church from Flamingo Road Church to Potential Church. Our mission is to partner with people to help them reach their Godgiven potential, in order to impact the world for good. My love for the word potential stems from when I was in college, on a basketball scholarship. In my freshman year, the team was gathered in the locker room before our first practice of the season. Our coach Tim McGraw stepped up to the whiteboard and drew two parallel horizontal lines. Above one, he wrote “Our Potential;” above the other line, which was a good two inches higher, he wrote “Opposition’s Potential.” He then explained that during the season we were going to play teams that had greater potential than we did. (Not exactly a pep talk at this point.) But he then went on to explain: “If we work hard in practice, learn from our mistakes, and play as a team, we could reach our full potential. And if our opposition didn’t put in the work, they will fall short of their potential.”
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Growing more passionate, he said, “In the end, it is not the team that has the greatest potential that wins the game, but the team that reaches more of their potential that comes out on top.” I have never forgotten that simple truth, and it has impacted my life in every arena. Let’s examine what I call “The Four P’s of Potential”: PROFICIENCY PASSION PERSONALITY PAST Proficiency – the state of being proficient; skill; expertness. (dictionary.com) The very definition of proficiency might cause you to recoil, and declare, I’m not an expert in anything! But before you give up, let’s look at what’s in your hands. What are those things that people ask you to help them with, or ask your advice on? I’ve noticed in my own life that the very things that I take for granted are the very things that others need help with. To be proficient means to be able to perform a task with skill; it feels natural. What are the activities you find yourself giving time to? As Malcom Gladwell writes in Outliers: The Story of Success, “It takes ten thousand hours to truly master anything. Time spent leads to experience; experience leads to proficiency; and the more proficient you are the more valuable you’ll be.” DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
Passion - a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything. (dictionary.com) When we think of passion, it is often within the context of two people in some type of romantic embrace, but passion transcends romance. I like to think of it as the very thing that causes your heart rate to go up, and your voice to get louder. Joss Whedon, writer and director of blockbuster movies like The Avengers, says, “Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” I never thought or even considered that I would one day be a pastor, but I can tell you that I have always been passionate about people doing their best, reaching their highest level, achieving more than they ever thought possible. When I was still in college, I volunteered to coach a peewee basketball team. Two or three times a week I would spend hours patiently DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
trying to help these boys and girls perform on the basketball court in ways they never believed they could. And the best part was that that attitude of accomplishment would follow them home, and into the classroom. I stoke those same passions today when I spend hours preparing a Sunday message that I know is going to help a young father, single mom, or college student take steps toward their destiny. The smile on an elementary school basketball player who just scored, or the joy of a businessperson who just received a promotion: both give me a great sense of fulfillment. We all have those moments when something we did made a difference. You know how it gives you a feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment? That something is part of your true identity. Personality - the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual. (dictionary.com) One of the earliest theories that people formulated to understand different personalities is referred to as the four temperaments. This Greco-Roman concept states there are four fundamental personality types: Sanguine personalities are talkative, energetic, enthusiastic. They are outgoing, extroverted, and are often risk takers. A sanguine person is often referred to as a “people person� or relational, the life of the party. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
Choleric personalities are also extroverted, independent, and goal-oriented. The choleric person is ambitious and often thought of as a “natural” leader. Melancholic personalities are introverted, detail-oriented, thinkers. Because of their desire for perfection, they can be anxious at times. A melancholic person is often thought of as a “detail” person. Phlegmatic personalities are best described as “chill.” They are relaxed and peaceful. They are sympathetic to other people’s challenges and therefore are willing to compromise. It’s interesting how opposites attract, and that really does seem to be true. And once we learn how our personalities play out, it allows you to understand one another and actually communicate more effectively, despite some pretty big differences. I am more of a sanguine/choleric personality and my wife, Stephanie, is more of a melancholic/phlegmatic. When we were in our first few years of marriage, I thought her desire to be organized was simply a way to control me. She believed that my lack of concern that everything had a place and was in that place was my being inconsiderate. Years ago—I remember, it was a Wednesday night—I was at a meeting, and I noticed that there was a conference coming up that week in Dallas, Texas. At that time Steph and I lived in Arkansas, so Dallas was about a six-hour drive. I thought, man, this would be a great conference. We could learn so DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
much, and Steph and I could have a little time away. But I also knew that coming home and saying let’s pack and go to Dallas when we had our son Tyler, who was a toddler, was going to be a tough sell to Stephanie. Where’s the baby going to stay? Where are we going to stay? What does he need? What kind of clothes do we need? On the drive home, I thought, You know what, being sanguine, a risk-taker, I’m going to go home and I’m going to risk it with my wife and say, Let’s do this! We don’t have any hotel rooms. We don’t really have any plans. But this is a conference that’s going to be incredibly life-changing. So I came home, and I shared my idea with Steph as much vision and passion as I could. And I looked at her face, and I could tell the first thoughts going through her mind were the details, exactly the way a melancholic person would think. But, because I had thought about it ahead of time, I tried to communicate to her that I had thought through at least some of the details, and how I might help her. And that was the first time that I really remember that she said, “Let’s do it.” And we did it. That night we packed everything for us and for the baby. My mom was willing to watch Tyler. So we got in the car, drove the six hours, and found a hotel. And that conference had an incredible impact on our lives. We were so glad that we went. And it was the ability to appreciate each other’s personalities that enabled us to do it, Steph understanding mine and my understanding hers. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
I had learned from my mistakes. On our honeymoon, we drove to Myrtle Beach, which from Arkansas was about a twelvehour drive. We got there in the middle of the night. I had made reservations, but I hadn’t gotten directions to the hotel. We were just in our early twenties when we got married, so our parents got together to follow along on the map because they thought we were lost. (This was long before GPS.) We drove up and down that strip for probably for an hour, looking for the hotel. We never did find it. We actually just had to give up and find another one. So when I came home a few years later and asked Steph to go to Dallas, I knew I couldn’t do that again. I had learned that I had to have at least a few of the details worked out. Now we have been married for 30 years, and understanding one another’s personalities and how we think has allowed us to be effective as parents and as pastors and leaders. Our three kids have very different personalities, and Steph and I are better at communicating with one or the other. And understanding personalities is so important not just at home, but at work as well. For different tests to determine your personality type, and more information about them, visit openpsychometrics.org. Past - of, having existed in, or having occurred during a time previous to the present. (dictionary.com) We all have a past, and past actions that we are ashamed of and those that we are proud of. Morally, one is better than the DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
other, but when it comes to understanding your true identity, they both play an important role. Until you take an honest look at your past, it is impossible to embrace your future and unleash your potential. As President John F. Kennedy said, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” It’s important to do an honest examination of your successes and failures in the past. What worked and what didn’t? Why do you believe it worked or failed? What are some of the common characteristics of your past successes and failures? Have you forgiven yourself for past failures? Is there anyone you need to forgive, or anyone you need to ask to forgive you? It takes courage and commitment to honestly deal with your past. Author Daphne Rose Kingma got it right when she said,” Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” Proficiency, passion, personality, and past: These four P’s will help you discover your true identity and live up to your potential. It is what I am passionate about: Partnering for Potential! It took the biblical leader Moses forty years to discover his true identity, and another forty to understand it and embrace it. But ultimately he did, and in doing so he raised up a people who entered into their destiny. We are the beneficiaries of his journey. We can learn for ourselves that while I’m not Scott Baio, I am Troy Gramling. Everything I need, God has already put in my hands. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
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“ It takes co
and comm honestly d your past.
”
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ourage mitment to deal with
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CHAPTER 2 Beware the Manhole: The Importance of Self-Awareness
I had a friend on the basketball team in college who wanted to ask a young lady out on a date. The problem was, she was never alone. So one day he begged me to hang out with her best friend so he could have some time alone with her, charming her with his amazing personality, and I agreed. To allow our friends to spend some time getting better acquainted, I asked the best friend if she wanted to walk over to the student center for a while, and she agreed. The DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
quickest way to get there was to cut through a big open field. Unfortunately, I was not aware that in the middle of this field sat an uncovered manhole. It was dusk, we were talking, and before I knew it, I stepped into, then plunged down, the manhole. I had no idea where I was going to end up when I stopped falling. I was wholly unaware, and it cost me. But more about that later. Winners have it. Some people figure it out. The oblivious don’t think they need it, and couldn’t find it even if they did. What is it? Self-awareness. Knowing who you are and where you fit in the universe. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of character, and one of the first concepts you have to grasp if you want to win at life. Psychologist Abraham Maslow once said: “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.” But before we can talk about the challenges and solutions of the journey itself, it’s important to get a better understanding of who you are, traveling it. I like to think of the following four questions as the Mount Rushmore of self-discovery. They’re monumental. What are you afraid of? What are you made of? What are your motives? Where are your blind spots? DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
These are thorny questions. They could tempt us to run and hide. But when you begin to answer them, the whole world opens up, as you’ve gained a greater confidence in your potential. Sure, answering these questions isn’t the easiest thing to do. Being honest with ourselves is a humbling affair, and many don’t do it because they can’t seem to come to terms with the truth. The angry don’t see themselves as angry. They see themselves as victims. “Dad was always angry, so I’m angry.” “I deserve to eat this junk food because I’m so stressed out!” “My wife doesn’t pay attention to me, so of course it’s okay to watch this porn.” Denial. Indifference. Pride. Scripture tells us that Moses had been called by God, had reckoned with his past failure, and seemed ready to take on the challenge of leading God’s people out of slavery. But then we read in Exodus 4:24-25 (NLT) : “On the way to Egypt, at a place where Moses and his family had stopped for the night, the Lord confronted him and was about to kill him. But Moses’ wife, Zipporah, took a flint knife and circumcised her son.”
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After all that Moses had encountered, accomplished, and learned, he still had a blind spot. His wife had to step in and literally save his life and destiny. What would cause who many say is one of the greatest leaders in all of Scripture to be so unaware of something so important? His continued lack of self-awareness. Lack of self-awareness is a serious issue. It’s a manhole you won’t climb out of until you set it right. Winning at life demands that we are keenly aware of who we are as husbands, mothers, students, employees, leaders, and Christ-followers. It’s replacing the telescope through which we normally view ourselves with a big old magnifying glass. We need to really zero in on what we see (and everyone else notices) with deliberate and intentional honesty. The Four L’s on the Path to Self-Awareness No time like the present! Let’s remedy our lack of selfawareness with the help of four other L-words: LIST your insecurities. They’ll lose some of their power that way. One Wednesday night, during a leader’s meeting, I asked the congregation to complete a simple assignment: Write down your top three insecurities. I could just feel the tension in the room. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
But I invite you right now to do the same. Maybe in the margin of this page, or a separate notebook somewhere. List the three things about yourself that cause you the greatest stress. (If you need to write it in code, feel free.) Don’t worry, nobody will see this but you (unless you’ve written it on this page and lend the book to someone else). Got all three? Let’s make it a little tougher. Share those three insecurities with someone else. I asked the leaders at that meeting to turn to their neighbor and trade answers. I’m not cruel, trust me! It was for their own good! Many squirmed, just like you may be doing right now. It isn’t easy. Far from it. Realizing our weak spots is hard enough, but telling someone else? Unheard of. Barbaric. But necessary. We’ll discuss why in a few pages. Got your list? If not, maybe one of your insecurities is admitting you have any! That’s okay. But if we want to win at life, we need to realize that we aren’t perfect. When I go to theme parks (I live in Florida—theme park capital of the world), I commonly see signs on attractions that say, “Area being refurbished for your future enjoyment.” And while I’m bummed that I can’t go on the ride, I understand that what I’m seeing is under repair, incomplete, or needs improvement. We are much the same way. Each of us, regardless of success, influence, or status, is under refurbishment. We all DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
lack something that will take us to the next level. The key is realizing that. Knowing what needs fixing, whether it’s a new coat of paint, or a radical shift in thinking. If we choose not to look an insecurity in the eye, it doesn’t take long to become blind to it. The truly insecure go a step further. They start seeing their insecurities as the norm. As if everyone else had the problem—not them. It’s like hanging up a picture in the living room crooked. If we’re not careful, we’ll blame the ceiling line, or the people who poured the floor, or the level not being calibrated properly. Insecure people live in a world that doesn’t challenge them and excuses their idiosyncrasies. It’s denial 101, and if we’re not careful, we can find ourselves there permanently. This isn’t a new situation. People have lived with insecurity and a lack of self-awareness for centuries. Maybe you’ve heard the story in the Bible of the young King David. In the book of Second Samuel, chapter 12, we see this freshly minted ruler running into some early struggles with insecurity and power. David notices a beautiful woman, Bathsheba, on the rooftop of a neighboring house. Wanting her for himself, he orders her to the palace. And though she is married, he sleeps with her and she becomes pregnant. To cover up his misdeed, he calls her husband in to talk. At the end of their discussion, King David sends the man out to the front lines of the war, ensuring his death.
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But just when David thinks he has covered his tracks, God exposes him—though not in a way you’d expect. God sends a prophet by the name of Nathan to David, not as a judge but as a messenger: So the Lord sent Nathan the prophet to tell David this story: “There were two men in a certain town. 2One was rich, and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. 3The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man’s own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. 4One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man’s lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.” “
David was furious. “As surely as the Lord lives,” he vowed, “any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! 6He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.” 5
Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. 8I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. 7
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Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. 10From this time on, your family will live
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by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.” You are that man. In just four words, Nathan lays open all of David’s insecurities. The creep, the one who everyone who hears this tale despises for his treachery. You are that man. David had been found out and it destroyed him inside. He had worked so hard to hide his weaknesses. Tried in vain to cover the tracks he left on the road of compromise. But yet God knew. God always knows. Have you ever felt like that? Has God ever revealed to you publicly what you tried to hide privately? Sent in a friend to point out a glaring character flaw? Led you to cross paths with a family member who reminds you of your vulnerabilities? It’s never easy. However, realizing where you have weaknesses and have made mistakes is crucial to winning at life. It’s then, when all is revealed to ourselves and the world, that healing can begin and we can start to move forward. In the end, adultery and murder wouldn’t define David’s reign. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
In fact, David would be called “a man after God’s own heart.” (Acts 13:22). David learned from his mistakes. Tried hard to remedy his flaws. Patched up the holes in his character and moved on with his life. We read about this change of heart in Psalm 51, verse 3: “Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record. Scrub away my guilt, soak out my sins in your laundry. I know how bad I’ve been; my sins are staring me down.” This time of self-discovery and revelation was a turning point in King David’s life. It allowed him to see himself as he truly was…not the warped reflection he had once convinced himself was real. And that’s our goal too. We were born to win. To thrive. To figure out who we really are, and leverage every opportunity to grow into the person God created us to be. So how do we do that? How do we become more self-aware and less insecure? It’s not as hard as you may think. LOOK at other people’s conduct and behavior. How does yours compare? My family and I live in South Florida, not far from several DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
popular tourist attractions. We are minutes from a mile-long outlet mall and just a few hours away from Walt Disney World and Universal Studios in Orlando. When I go to any of these places, my favorite thing to do isn’t what you might think. While my family rides attractions or shops, I find myself parked on a bench somewhere, just watching. People-watching. How do they interact with one another? What is that guy’s body language saying to his wife? How are that brother and sister handling apparent conflict? In my head I make mental notes— not just of their behaviors—but of how my behavior with others may be similar or different. I am a student of human behavior and conduct. Why? Because if I understand the thought processes and behavioral/cognitive tendencies of others, I can better understand how I come off when I am facing similar situations. It’s intentional projection— and it allows me to learn from scenarios that I haven’t even experienced yet. If the guy in the store has a fight with the clerk and uses words that are less than kind, now I know what it will sound like if I say them. It’s the same reason I like to watch local governmental meetings on TV. (I know… I’m that guy. Somebody has to watch them, right?) I like to see the mayor interact with the concerned citizens. Watch disgruntled business owners spar with their elected council representative. I learn from their behavior. I put myself in their place. And when I do, I have a much better snapshot of what it would look like when or if I made those same choices. Observing others and seeing how they react helps me decide DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
if I want to react the same way, should the same situation arise in my own life. It’s scenario-based self-awareness training. By taking the time to study the actions of ofthers, I get a better idea on how others respond to me now, and what I could become if I act in similar ways in the future. LISTEN, really listen, to the people around you. You can always spot the listeners among the people you know. They are constantly surrounded by people. Why? Because there are far more talkers, fixers, problem-solvers, and critics than there are listeners. Listeners are people with an open and nonjudgmental ear. They offer themselves as sounding boards and confidantes. Skilled in the art of head-nodding and engagement. Quick to offer a smile over a solution. Listening is a key skill in the journey toward self-awareness, and one that may come easier to some than others. Many people have no idea who they are and how they appear to others because they simply don’t leave space in a conversation to find out. They are so busy defending themselves that they miss what they were supposed to hear. The key to becoming less insecure and more self-aware is to simply open your ears, and close your mouth as much as possible. Scripture puts it this way in James 1:19: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
Are you a quick listener? Do you seek to discover what the other person thinks about you, or are you more concerned with the way what you just said went over? Have you ever paused after a conversation and just thought about the impact of your words? How did your husband feel after that comment? Is your sister okay with your phrasing and aggression? You’ll never know if you don’t spend more time in receiver mode—listening rather than sharing. When I was the pastor of a church in Arkansas, I spent a lot of time setting up special weekends that I was sure would draw in the crowds. I would promote the upcoming sermon topic on the church sign (we didn’t have social media back then), pour hours into my sermon, and tell everyone I knew that they just HAD to be there this weekend. It was going to be a sermon that would change their life forever. Then Sunday would come, and I would triumphantly throw open the front doors—only to find the same few people who came every week. I was crestfallen and frustrated. So I did what many do. I took it out on those who were there. I’d stand in the pulpit and pound my hand down on the hard wood, yelling, “This city needs Jesus! They need to get here to church and put down that TV remote! I wish this community understood what the word loyalty meant… they’d be here every weekend!” And when I finished my rant, I would sulk to the back of the church to shake hands with those who were in attendance. DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
One weekend, a sweet older member approached me and said, “Pastor, no disrespect intended… I’m doing all I can… why are you yelling at us? We’re the ones who are here!” Then it hit me. I was talking and not listening. Reacting in anger, not realistically evaluating what was going on. I was literally preaching to the choir —hurting those who had already bought in. I had completely forgotten that in life it seems like the ones who need to get your message don’t hear what you’re saying—and the ones who do hear you are already doing it. In 2017, Fast Company magazine determined the “Six Ways to Become a Better Listener,” and I couldn’t have put it better myself: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
Listen to learn, not to be polite. Quiet your agenda. Ask more questions. Pay attention to your talk/listen ratio. Repeat back what you heard. Actually wait until someone is done talking before you respond.
Self-awareness is rooted in self-control. It’s knowing who’s around you. Being aware of who’s listening. Understanding when to share your opinion and when to bite your tongue. The truly self-aware are able to non-judgmentally listen, spend time coming up with appropriate feedback, and deliver it to the DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
receiver in love. Want to know if you are a good listener? Ask someone you are close to. Be willing to accept their feedback and grow from it. We all may think we’re good listeners, but look around you. If you’re standing alone, it might be because you aren’t aware of how one-sided your conversations tend to be. LEARN from loved ones and trusted others about how you are perceived. A fourth way to become more self-aware and less insecure? Ask questions. How do people see me? What adjective would they use to describe my temperament? Do others see me the way I see me? These are extremely hard questions for anyone to ask. But the road to self-awareness is paved with deliberate and eye-opening realizations about ourselves. A word of caution, however. We can’t just ask anyone. Everybody has an opinion about you. The server who brought you your lunch thinks you’re a generous tipper. Your third grade teacher remembers you as the quiet kid who liked to color every page with the same crayon. Your mom and dad see a reflection of themselves. Your girlfriend or boyfriend sees you romantically. Everybody’s lens is different. And all of them want to speak into your life in some way. So who do you listen to? Whose opinion do you let in? Stick to these three categories: 1. People who love me. If you truly love me… not what DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
I can do for you or give you…then I’ll ask you for your opinion, and internalize your response.
2.
People who want what’s best for me. You may not love me, but you look out for me. I’ll ask you what you think and take it to heart. After all, you’re in my corner, and want me to win!
3. People who know more than I do. If your knowledge exceeds mine on a topic, I’ll give your opinion more weight. This is the type of person who will make me aware of what I don’t know, and help fill in the gaps. When I know more about something, it helps my confidence grow, and thus, my insecurities diminish. If an opinion doesn’t come from someone in these three categories, I’ll listen to it, but I don’t hold it as close to my heart. I want to know how the world sees me—but if I give equal weight to the opinions of those who have nothing invested in me to those from the ones who do, I will spend every day feeling increasingly insecure, and eventually ineffective. Now about that manhole. It was about ten feet deep. It was impossible to climb out of on my own. And because it was getting dark, the young lady I was walking with had no idea where I had disappeared to. She began to call out, “Troy! Troy, where are you?” Eventually I was able to direct her to DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
the manhole. She in turn was able to get help. I was a little embarrassed—okay, a LOT embarrassed, but at least I got out. You may have stepped into a manhole, a dark place, a blind spot. It might feel like your life, relationship, or business is underground. But just as Moses had his wife, and I had a group of college friends, if you’re willing to reach out and risk a little embarrassment, you can remerge more self-aware and secure in who you are and where you are going and what you have been gifted to do. Open your heart, and give voice to and share your insecurities. Open your eyes to how others behave. Open your ears to the feedback of trusted loved ones. It is only then that you will open yourself to the limitless potential that God has planned for you.
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rooted in self-control. It’s knowing who’s around you.
“ ” Self-awareness is
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Being aware of who’s listening. Understanding when to share your opinion and when to bite your tongue.
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#UNLEASHYOURPOTENTIAL If you enjoy the read, please tell your friends. Be a part of the Unleash Your Potential @troygramling | troygramling.com
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ABOUT — TROY GRAMLING I lead Potential Church, a fast-growing church with a membership of more than 20,000 people in six locations across the United States, South America, and the Caribbean, for 20 years. My vision is fueled by a passion DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY
and a mission to partner with people to reach their God potential. I am a former college basketball player and coach, have a heart for leadership development, and specialize in creative and unexpected worship and teaching experiences. I’m a native of Arkansas, and my wife Stephanie and I, along with our three children and their families, live in South Florida. All are actively involved in the ministry of Potential Church.
TROYGRAMLING.COM
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TROYGRAMLING.COM @TROYGRAMLING 12401 STIRLING ROAD COOPER CITY, FL 33330 954 434 1500 DRAFT — FOR REVIEW ONLY