"ITS YOUR DAY" MEDIATION
Divorce Handbook In
2017 the American Bar Association conducted a study on mediation techniques that were the most effective in resolving family law conflict. The ABA concluded that mediations that allowed the parties to an opportunity to listen, understand and respond to with one another had the best chance to not only resolve the present conflict but future conflict as well.
You have to relate to another in order to Listen, Understand and Respond. Being relational in the middle of a divorce probably does not fit within the traditional notions of how you would want conflict resolved during a painful emotional and financial process. The ABA study has been backed up by prior studies in 2016 by the State of Maryland.
Is there any other option? If your goal is to co-parent after a divorce, it's important to stop and think how exactly you want to manage conflict. It's equally important that you assess your choices in how your conflict is going to be resolved. There are three different forms by which you can resolve a conflict. In her book "Being Relational" Dr. Senft categorizes the three forms as follows: power, transactional and relational approaches. (I encourage you to read Dr. Senft's book - buy it on Amazon today!) The power approach would be the use of litigation, in which you impose your will upon another. Transactional is negotiating and compromising, the process you know as mediation. Being relational, well that's something different.
So why not the power approach?
If your wish is to co-parent, you're going to have to: 1. Be Creative 2. Remain Flexible 3. Listen, Understand and Respond to your child's other parent's needs and concerns. 4. Problem Solve The power model is not conducive to collaboration. Asking the court for remedies is not conducive to being creative or being flexible. Co-parenting is not going to be found at the courthouse. Litigation is the process to make a damaged party whole.
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Divorce Handbook Litigation allows parties the right to distance themselves and move onward with their lives. Litigation by its very definition is adversarial. Why not the Transactional Approach? Parents go to traditional mediations seeking to reach agreements to solve the issues of the day. Through the direction of the mediator, the parents will compromise and reach an agreement that helps them avoid the courthouse. Parents will be told that any agreement is better than going to the courthouse. What are the downfalls to the transactional approach? 1. Loss of Control: The parents had no say in how the agreement was created. They were provided with ONE solution to the problem. A solution that they truly never thought of or perhaps even wanted. 2.
Anger: Parties dissatisfied may be more inclined to want to simply go to court and move into a more litigious direction.
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Goal: If your goal is to co-parent, you do not want to be constantly involved in a conflict.
Relational Approach: Unlike the power and transactional approaches, the relational offers a neutral, non-threatening environment in which parents can work through the problems of the day. If you are not being threatened, you will feel more open to engaging. The relational approach wants you to be in control of the process. The relational approach points you in the direction which will allow you to talk through the issues with your child's other parent. To understand the relational approach, you have to understand what is called "the pain cycle." Pain Cycle: Divorce or separation is by its very definition, the end of a relation. Where the relation between spouses ends, the relation between co-parents continues. Transitioning may be extremely difficult. Divorce carries with it the pain of the breakup, in addition to perhaps anger and lack of trust - emotions that divide the parties and prevents future communication.
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Divorce Handbook
The problem in divorce is that there are many decisions that parents need to make. Some of the questions that need to be answered: 1. How are we going to talk to the kids about the divorce? 2. How are we going to afford this divorce? 3. How are we going to divorce -do we need to litigate or mediate? The relational model then empowers parents, moving them from the pain cycle to a position of strength. Its Your Day mediations is a process that encourages parents to become engaged in the divorce process. This handbook is designed to help you, at the privacy of your home, build the relational tools necessary to succeed at the mediation table.
It’s Your Day
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DIVORCE HANDBOOK
Co-Parent Questionnaire
It’s More of a Journey than a Destination Co-parenting Parents entering into successful co-parenting relationships after divorce perhaps best define its benefit from the positive effect it has on their children. Co-parenting requires that each parent listen, understand and respond to one another. Co-parenting relationships constantly work in progress.
Parallel Parenting Many parents will fall into a parallel parenting structure, following the parenting plans in their order. In the short-term following court orders allows each parent to go their separate way. Parallel parenting requires little need for the parents to communicate. So, what’s the problem with parallel parenting? Many parallel parenting agreements require future court interventions, meaning parents are back in court litigating issues concerning their children. 1. Lack of Communication: Parents stop communicating, relying on falling simply on the rules imposed by their parenting plan. In life, things change. 2. Changing needs - The parenting plans become unworkable when parent’s/children’s needs change. Revising the parenting plan will require court intervention.
Notes: Parenting relationships are more about the journey than the destination. Parents can shift back and forth into different models of parenting. Remember - it takes both parents to constantly put in the work to move away from conflict, not towards it.
Conflict Parenting Conflict parenting is defined by seeking court relief to obtain your rights and duties. Attorneys will typically ask their clients to STOP COMMUNICATING with their child's other parent. Parents seek court intervention for a variety of reasons: 1. Lack of other adequate remedies 2. The need to protect the child from
immediate harm, 3. frustration with other alternative dispute resolution processes. (bad experience at mediation)
Co-parenting Questionnaire Stop and Think – Takem iteto review your responses!
HOW ARE YOU PLANNING THE BIG TALK? SPEAKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THE DIVORCE?
SUPPORTING THE PROCESS – WHAT IS YOUR PLAN OF ACTION TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD DURING THE DIVORCE? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
WHAT ARE YOU’RE THE IMMEDIATE CONCERNS FOR YOUR CHILDREN 1.
ARE YOU ALL (BOTH PARENTS) ON THE SAME PAGE? IF NOT WHY NOT? 1. 2. 3.
2. 3. 4.
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Co-parenting Questionnaire
Stop and Think – Takem iteto review your responses!
YOUR STRENGTHS AS A PARENT 1.
Why Do You want o t Co-parent?
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YOUR CO-PARENTS STRENGTHS
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CO-PARENTING GOALS
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1. 4. 2. 3. 4.
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Co-parenting Questionnaire How is your child being affected by your divorce?
What are some ideas you have to affect the quality of life for your child?
What is your hope for your child after your divorce?
DIVORCE HANDBOOK
Finding Empathy
Finding Empathy
someone going through a painful divorce.
Understanding the Emotional Obstacles that prevent you from CoParenting during and after the Divorce Process
It's important to understand the concept of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is not correlated to your IQ, in fact, you could have a high IQ and have low emotional intelligence.
Mom and Dad walk into a mediation session. Mom and Dad cannot seem to agree on much. Mom looks at Dad and asks what’s wrong. Dad answers “I’m afraid.” “I’m afraid that you are trying to take away my rights as a father.” Mom counters, “You’re a great father - why would I do that?” Dad looks at Mom, shrugs his shoulders and breathes a sigh of relief. Mom and Dad continue the conversation and begin to work through their issues of the day.
So, what is Emotional intelligence?
I believe that there will be emotional obstacles that will initially prevent you from reaching agreements in your divorce. How could there not be? Divorce is a painful process. The trick is to identify the emotional obstacles that are preventing you from moving forward and taking action. Emotional obstacles that keep you from moving forward and taking control over the problems facing you and your family. Mental health professionals refer to this state as the pain cycle. You’ve seen this before if you’ve ever had an experience with
Emotional intelligence is your ability, in part, to relate to the feelings of another. By definition, we are talking about empathy. Empathy may be the last skill you want to learn during the divorce process. The reasons could be: 1. You are divorcing out of anger 2. You are hurt by the behavior of this person. 3. You feel that you can no longer communicate, no longer trust this person. So, there you sit, not able to engage and move through the process. It may be hard to do at first, but think of the cost you are facing by staying in the pain cycle: 1. Inability to make decisions affecting your future. 2. Inability to make decisions regarding your children. 3. Inability to move forward and take control.
Be RelationalFinding m se A tn s Empathy As To Your Child’s Other Parent……
List their typical daily emotions? 1. 2.
Describe their current emotions
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Do you recognize this person?
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What could be their concerns:
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Be RelationalFinding m se A tn s Empathy What actions are you taking that is affecting their present mix of emotions?
When it concerns your child’s other parent……
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
How could you make the situation better?
Are you willing to make the situation better?
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What are the benefits/costs of showing empathy?
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DIVORCE HANDBOOK
Conflict Management
Its Your Day A Primer on Conflict Management
You manage conflict every given day. How will you resolve your issues today? If your goal is to co-parent, you need to understand how you resolve a conflict between yourself and your child's other parent. In the past you’ve resolved problems You’ve listened, you might have argued. At the end of the day, you reached an agreement or at least a consensus on how you would resolve the problem of the day. The divorce process impairs your ability to resolve a conflict. At this time, it's time to assess how you resolve the conflict. The TKI is a test to assess your ability to resolve a conflict.
The TKI will assess if you resolve a conflict by Competing Compromising Collaborating Avoiding Accommodating without much thought. It is interesting to note a few things: 1. Your ability to manage conflict changes over time. 2. Increased emotional intelligence shifts peoples from a desire to compete (litigation) towards a need to collaborate (mediation).
How do you Resolve Conflict?
What is your current conflict?
Why do you feel that you are in conflict?
What do you gain by remaining in conflict?
Do you feel that this conflict necessary?
What do you think your child's other parent remains in conflict with you?
What would it take for this conflict to end?
What are the things you want your spouse to say ( or do) for this conflict to end?
What is your spouse doing to continue the conflict? What benefits do you think he or she is receiving to keep the conflict alive?
What would it take for you to away from your spouse to walk away from conflict?
What would your spouse need from you for this conflict to be over?
DIVORCE HANDBOOK
Testing
Its Your Day A Divorce Handbook
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