Hippo143

AN UNOFFICIAL KILLIE FANZINE

ISSUE NO. 143

Surely he means Whitletts......

HIGHER OR LOWER? GINGER HAIR UNACCEPTABLE? MAN OF THE YEAR

£2.00

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BACK ISSUES 2–142 INCLUSIVE AVAILABLE GET IN TOUCH FOR DETAILS

SHOOTING FROM THE HIPPO Our recent visit to Castle Greyskull was a thoroughly miserable experience for the large Killie crowd but I would like to clarify one incident that took place during the match. It was alleged that a Killie fan threw a pound coin on to the pitch and he was arrested by the local cops. The Killie lad was up in court on the Monday morning and explained to the judge that it was not an act of violence but simply a takeover bid. “Case dismissed” announced the elderly judge before McCoist signed him to play beside Lee McCulloch at the back.

It’s been around a month since our last issue but the dip in form has been dramatic. We came away from Parkhead saying we may have got a result if it had been eleven aside and we looked forward to home games against Dundee and Ross County……oh dear. We were deservedly beaten in both games and the bonus row going public appears to have coincided with us playing like a pub team. At least we showed a wee bit of fight in the Dundee game in the second half but against Ross County there was absolutely nothing.

It’s hard to put your figure on what has changed, I’m sure the bonus row has had a negative impact but it can’t be the only reason. My big complaint last season was that AJ never seemed to know his best team and formation and it looks that way once more. The midfield looks like the problem area to me as it isn’t working with Hamill, Clingan and Eremenko in the same tea, there is simply not enough energy there. We play with a lone striker but have no Bryson like player who will regularly burst forward and support the striker.

Magennis has dropped a shade and surely it’s time to give Muirhead a run of games up front. He doesn’t have the strength of Magennis but the one thing he does is score goals. It’s a real concern that he still has not signed a new contract and I believe that is due to the chairman trying to include ridiculous clauses. The big man is a Killie fan and you have to hope that keeps him here but it’s one more example of what a poorly run club we are.

I need to comment on our horror show at Ibrox which reminded me of games against the old firm when JJ was I charge. There was no belief and I’m not convinced that AJ has the motivational skills that Shiels instilled in the players when playing these so called big teams. Once again we are out of both cups before December, a kick in the wobblies both for the fans and for the financial benefits a cup run brings, The festive period is always a tough run of games and we need a few wins or we will slide into the danger areas in the bottom six. I’m not sure we will see many new faces in the transfer window, we will need to ship some out for that to happen. Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to you all and thanks again for your support.

Sandy

IS GINGER HAIR UNACCEPTABLE? Now this may come as a bit of a surprise to you but back in my days as a youthful hippo I was a ginger…….there I said it and I don’t feel dirty. Very few ginger haired hippos have ever been spotted in the darkest depths of the Bellfield Estate…..there were a very ugly species.

As time wore on my gingerness wore off and by the time I left school I could join in the football chants without any guilt…”ginger hair is unacceptable”. Around that time Aberdeen were a major force in Scotland and players like McLeish and Strachan were doing their best to make the flowing red locks acceptable, without success I may add.

So what the hell has this got to do with an article in a poorly written fanzine? Well, I was reading Strachan’s recent comments about the Scottish game, specifically about Sevco, and all the good work he has done as Scotland boss was quickly wiped out.

It all got me thinking (god knows why) about the gingers that have played a part in Killie and Scotland. Even my early memories include some flame headed nightmares, guys like Billy Bremner and Ian Wallace…….the mix of ginger hair and Coventry’s horrific chocolate strip has to be the worst hair/strip combo in the history of world fitba!!

Here is a wee of gingers who have played some part in my football education and we assess if indeed ginger hair is unacceptable:

Gordon Strachan The wee ginger annoyed me as a player and he was never popular when he played Killie. He was a good wee player but was always a bit of a cheat……never shy at trying to con the ref for a spot kick.

Once his playing career was over he went into management and I must admit that I grew to quite like him. His post match interviews were entertaining although by the time he reached Celtic he was more bitter than funny. He was back in my good books as he is doing a fine job with Scotland but his recent comments about doing whatever it takes to get Rangers, Hearts and Hibs back into the top league defy belief. Therefore he is totally unacceptable as a ginger.

Tommy Burns The Burns years will always be my favourite as a Killie fan and I had the pleasure of meeting the great man on many occasions. You simply couldn’t meet a nicer guy and there is not one person presently at the club that comes within a million miles. The best ginger you could meet and totally acceptable.

Dave McKinnon Another popular ginger at the Theatre of Pies and is centre stage for probably my fave Killie photo ever. His celebration after scoring the match winning penalty v Cowdenbeath is classic and bring back memories of happy times.

Gary Holt A great Killie fan who I suspect may be a Killie manager one day.

His goal kept us up in 1997 then he nipped up to Ibrox to help win a cup….legend. So there you have it, looking at some Killie greats ginger hair is mostly definitely acceptable.

HIGHER OR LOWER? I’m sure you are all sick to death hearing about the problems in our game but things appear to be getting worse and crowds continue on the decline. We will come back to that later in this article however I received a correspondence from a Killie fan who has been contacting the club with his suggestion on how to make this at least look a bit better.

Rugby Park has a capacity of 18128 however with crowds around 4000 these days there is no argument that it looks truly awful when you see the highlights on TV. The ground looked good at the recent rugby international however the football is a different story.

Here is the e-mail I received: Good afternoon I don't know if this is of interest or if it is worthwhile pursuing but here goes. I have attached a number (not all) of emails to Andrew Miller. I also wrote to the big two (Michael and Billy) who have not replied or acknowledged my letter. In fairness to Andrew he did suggest I write to the club secretary but I thought I would go to the guys with the decision making powers. Whilst accepting they are both busy men they could have passed it down the line.

If the image portrayed on television of empty seats at the away end is conducive to attracting more fans to the home games I will be amazed. It's not that they don't turn up it is that you never see them unless a goal is scored by the away team.

Celtic, Aberdeen close the upper tiers and fill the lower ones giving a much improved impression of fans attending the match but for Health & Safety reasons !! we prefer to give the " come to Rugby Park we always have spare seats approach" The H&S reasons given were : 1 - A fan, or fans would be able to get onto the pitch. 2 - the fan (s) could throw something onto the pitch. So where does that leave the other provincial clubs who only have a lower tier, St. Mirren for example?

My correspondence with the clubs representative started early September and is going nowhere so I have effectively given up now. Should you feel the clubs image would be enhanced by seeing a stadium with fans evident throughout the ground then perhaps you could give it a push.

I suppose the first thing to do is congratulate the club on its consistency in totally ignoring its own fans. I hear numerous tales of being ignored, please don’t take it personally as they treat most the same way. I would take this further but my name is top of the “ignore list” therefore I wont waste my time.

There are valid points in the letter and its hard to argue with the idea of putting fans in the lower tiers. This is done at almost all other grounds when they know the crowd will be fairly low and it looks far better on TV. As for the excuses for us not being able to do it…..it simply sounds like more MJ bulls**t.

The reason about fans being able to get on the pitch defies belief. There are fans at the front of the main stand and East stand so whats the difference with the Moffat and Chadwick? The only negative I can think of is when the weather is bad you tend to get soaked at the front but it cant be too big a deal to let folk move up the back if the weather is extreme. Sadly it looks like another case of the club looking for excuses not to do something rather than seriously looking at a perfectly sensible suggestion.

This all leads us on to the bigger picture and the problems at killie and in the Scottish game in general. We wouldn’t be having discussions like this if more fans attended games and grounds were busier. We need to work harder than any similar sized clubs like Motherwell, St Mirren etc as we have twice as many empty seats to fill.

It was refreshing to hear Barry Hearns rip into the powers that be in the Scottish game last week. Neil Doncaster and his likes have been very quiet recently and Hearns never missed the target when he gave the following views: “You’ve got to start re-evaluating every income stream and say “are we maximising the exploitation of football?” because everything revolves around money. The bigger clubs want to be bigger, the smaller clubs want to survive and grow, so you’ve got to look at financials.

Barry Hearn explains how he believes Scottish football can be improved, including ideas such as lifting the alcohol ban in grounds.

“You’ve got to go back to making the club the social community centre of that region, and try and draw some loyalty from that, and in time – it won’t happen overnight – in time, this will turn the circle, and you’ll create a more vibrant Scottish football than one that is looking over its shoulder wondering how it will pay the milk bill.”

“Self-interest [among club owners] is still an issue,” Hearn said. “Selfregulation, self-help, ego driven decisions, sometimes restrict the size of the cake.

“What you’ve got to realise is in today’s world is that here’s a huge opportunity out there for ownership of professional sports, and Scottish football is not making enough of itself, the cake is not as big as it should be.

“These big clubs that want all of the money, of course, because that’s human nature, have got to be told ‘No, but let’s make the cake bigger so you end up with more than you’re getting now’.”

Self interest is the key to lots of the problems in the game hence the increase in fan ownership and supporter involvement. Only when we have people running clubs who put the club first will we see the benefits in terms of fans returning and people feeling part of their clubs again.

Self interest is the main problem at Killie but the new directors need to quickly realise the only way to reverse the trend is to get rid of Johnston. Simpy shuffling the pack and letting him continue as a Chief Exec or similar will change nothing.

All ties need to be cut but even then many fans are lost for good and there is many who wont return. Of course that is all assuming the new directors are their own men and want what is best for the club……I have my doubts.

The most damaging aspect of the bank deal in March was that we have lost the cash flow from the hotel. At every AGM we were told although the hotel didn’t make big profit it generated cash flow that was vital especially during the summer months. Well that is no longer there and we have no credit/overdraft facilities with the bank which all means one thing. We have to stand on our own two feet and generate as much income as possible.

I’m no financial wizard but the obvious thing we need is lots more fans through the gate therefore the fact that crowds are crap surely has to start the alarm bells ringing. I’ve already heard stories that we are scrambling around trying to raise finance as Bowie has apparently put in all that he can. I’ve also heard MJ is has been begging for investment from folk down south but nothing has been agreed as yet.

It is more vital than ever before that we get a big upturn in home crowds but without a complete change at the club it is hard to see that happening. I attended a Hurlford game recently and was surrounded by lapsed Killie fans. There is no doubt that money is an issue however I’m sure many would return if we were a proper club again with a genuine interest in fan and community engagement.

Please don’t get me started on the Community (dis) engagement Board.It is the least democratically appointed board you could imagine and I know for a fact that at least one director is less than impressed with it. At the time of writing they still hadn’t held their first meeting, it’s a complete sham and is the latest MJ cock up that will achieve absolutely nothing.

A recent survey looked at the average crowds in the top league over the last 20 years and it was no surprise that the biggest fall was at Rugby Park. I wont give all clubs details but here are a few that make interesting reading: Attendances and fan interaction are particularly hot topics in Scottish football at the moment, as clubs attempt to get more people through the turnstiles.It's widely accepted that crowds are down, and that clubs need to do more to get more people into grounds.

In many cases that's true, in some cases it is not, but that's not all we wanted to look at.

What were crowds like at different points in the last two decades, before price increases, ubiquitous television coverage of the English leagues and the invention of "modern" football?

Tracking the average home attendances of the current 12 top-flight clubs is fascinating, because of the wide variance in how they arrived in the current Premiership. Some have been to the bottom tier and back again.

What we looked at We wanted to look at how crowds have changed, if indeed they have changed at all, over the last two decades in Scottish football.

We could have gone back a little further, but that period of 20 years covers times when the title was more competitive, when there was more TV coverage, and when Scottish football brought in higher profile players.

Naturally, it also covers some of the recent years, when there has been less TV interest, less money, and the recent absence of the likes of Rangers, Hearts and Hibernian, who have generally provided sizeable travelling supporters.

Although it wasn't the intention when we started, it also covers a particularly interesting time for some of the younger clubs in Scottish football, as we can track their rise through the divisions from their very first year in Scottish football.

One final point is not to put too much stock in the average crowds of 2014/15 just yet. We've included them for some kind of context, but it's not comparing like for like.

Kilmarnock

The Kilmarnock graph does not make for especially happy reading, with a fairly steady decline from a hugely impressive peak of over 11,000 in the mid 1990s. Clearly, there is a supporter base there which need to be listened to, and encouraged back to games.As a percentage, no side has lost a greater proportion of their support over the period covered.

Motherwell

Motherwell's crowds have been slowly diminishing over the last two decades, despite often turning in impressive showings on the pitch.

While the club experienced a number of years of difficulty in the early 2000s, they have found it difficult to reverse the trend when it comes to diminishing numbers. It's difficult to see what they are doing wrong, with a successful team and no significant price increases.

St Mirren

While results may not have been as good as St Mirren fans would have hoped, the club remains one of those to have consistently attracted more supporters in recent times than they did two decades ago.

St Mirren have enjoyed spikes in their attendances whenever they return to the top flight, and while those figures have tended to drop in subsequent years, the figures are very stable in comparison to most clubs.

I’m afraid it doesn’t make for good reading but it does show clear evidence of the problems throughout our much maligned national sport. There are so many aspects that need changed and improved upon that it would take up a full issue on its own. Needless to say that every club has to wake up and smell the coffee.

The fans are turning their backs and the reasons are numerous……quality, a sense of community, value for money etc.

In recent weeks the quality of football has struck me as being diabolical and is nowhere near value for money. Many fans appear to feel the same and the days of thinking that blind loyalty will see fans turning up are long gone. Perhaps it is time to get rid of the SFA wigs and bring in Barry Hearn and his team. At killie it is much more simple……Johnston must go and absolutely nothing will change until he cuts all ties.

FINANCIAL MISMANAGEMENT OF SCOTTISH FOOTBALL I am a big football fan, always have been and always will be. I am also a Scottish football fan, always have been and... actually, I don't know if I always will be. What happened to the days of household names plying their trade in Scotland? What happened to the days when clubs in Scotland could buy and even produce players that cost £10 million plus? What happened to Scottish teams reaching the finals of European competitions? The Scottish game is becoming more dilapidated as time goes on, and it doesn't seem as if it's going to change any time soon.

Many people argue that the fall of Rangers and their subsequent demotion into the fourth tier of Scottish Football in 2012 was the catalyst that sparked this decline, but it is my belief that a plethora of bad management of the leagues and the clubs as businesses has been the reason. And not even just from 2012, these financial and mismanagement problems go back much further than that.

Since 2002, a total of 6 top-flight Scottish clubs have gone into administration, starting with Motherwell. This coincidently was around the same time when the governing bodies of Scottish football decided to turn down a £45 million deal with Sky for the television rights to the games as they thought they could get a better deal elsewhere. They didn't. This was just the first bad decision that the then SPL would make. They later on agreed a deal with Setanta Sports, with then SPL Executive Lex Gold claiming "This is not a gamble." Setanta later went out of business without making final payments to the SPL, putting some clubs on the brink of going out of business.

These decisions clearly had an effect on what would become almost like a domino effect where one club seemed to fall after the other. Dundee, Livingston, Gretna, Rangers and most recently Hearts would all later suffer administration. Motherwell, funnily enough, is actually the only one of these clubs to still be operating at the same level they previously were with Dundee, Livingston and Hearts all now playing in lower divisions; Rangers still toiling with financial difficulties and Gretna literally ceasing to exist.

The Scottish top flight, now called the SPFL, has been without a sponsor since its 6-year association with Clydesdale Bank ended in 2013. As is the League Cup, and this is a competition that was once sponsored by Coca Cola! In fact, the only major Scottish competition that still has a sponsor is the Scottish Cup, with William Hill providing sponsorship up until the end of the 2015/16 season, but it remains to be seen if they will continue their partnership beyond then.

Neil Doncaster, the Chief Executive of the SPFL, has been taking the lead on finding each of the competitions new, lucrative sponsors, but has yet to come up with even a hint of sponsorship. The deal with the bank ended at the close of the 2012/13 season, and I doubt that it was an immediate decision. Surely they would have used professional etiquette and informed Doncaster in advance that they would not be extending their partnership with the league. Mr. Doncaster claims that "I'm comfortable we are doing everything we can" in regards to finding a sponsor. I for one am not so comfortable. The league began on August 9th, and there hasn't even been a sign of a sponsor being agreed.

I believe that, while he is actually looking for a sponsor, he is waiting for one with similar credibility of the past, such as Clydesdale Bank or Coca Cola, but that simply isn't going to happen. He needs to take what he can and reinvest this money back into the clubs now. If he waits any longer, things are only going to get worse. Holding out for a deal you are not going to get only brings hardships.

If the clubs get this sponsorship money, they can build with it and work towards getting themselves back to previous levels. This won't happen overnight, but it needs to happen soon. Celtic have been provided no competition for the SPFL title in the last few years, and despite them having a valiant attempt at the Champions League last 16 one year, Scottish football has been virtually non-existent in European football.

Homegrown talents are leaving in droves for the lower English leagues, attendances are dropping and the Scottish game is frankly becoming an alsoran. Something needs to be changed as the current models are clearly not working. Greed appears to be testing common sense when it is coming to financial decisions and it is harming the Scottish game.

The Blogster

PROVOSTS PAGE Hi Folks, Been very busy with Provost’s duties lately. Meeting some great folk in our communities who volunteer for every aspect of care and support to help the needs of all vulnerable groups in East Ayrshire. We are in their debt for their selfless acts of kindness.

A big shout for a young lassie in Stewarton who attends Nether Robertland Primary. She has raised over a thousand pounds for Yorkhill sick children’s hospital. A brilliant effort. Well done Carrie !

Loads of stuff going on in the council with civic recognition of our athletes from E/A who represented Scotland at the Commonwealth games. Stand up Georgi, Sophie, Peter and Alison.

We’ve had a bad few weeks past with some not very good performances. Real bad at Newco. Nobody in our team turned up ! Hopefully we can get back on to winning ways.

I welcomed the Scottish Rugby team to Kilmarnock for the Autumn test against Tonga. Great bunch of guys. A great story is that of the Queen of Tonga who was attending the coronation in London in 1953. She visited Darvel and bought some lace because of the world renowned reputation for the valley lace being the best in the world. Councillor Bobby McDill, ( the Provost o’ Derval ), was at the mill in ’53 when Queen Salote was there.

I asked Bobby to present the Tongan team with some lace from the valley, kindly donated from Morton Young and Borland, the last remaining lace and madras producer. The Tongan team were suitably impressed !

Wouldn’t it be great to bounce on from the Rugby success to get back to winning ways for Killie !

Let’s get behind the team today !

Hippo says- Thanks Jim and once the Xmas and new year have been and gone we will be sorting out a fans night to raise cash for Jim’s nominated charity The Samaritans.

WILL SANTA BE REPLACED

BY DRONES It’s very true that you should never be surprised about anything you hear in football but a recent tabloid story had me scratching my big napper. It seems Man Utd boss Louis Van Gaal is worried that opponents will send drones up over the Utd training ground to spy on them prior to a match.

Back in my day the nearest you would get was Sandy Ferguson getting on the camouflage gear and hiding in the bushes just to catch a unique snap…….but drones? They look to me like one of those wee remote control planes that kids used to get at Xmas.

On the subject of yuletide we could just pay off Santa (Mj would) and send a drone around the globe dropping pressies down chimneys.

It all got me thinking just what would you see if you sent a drone around various grounds, here’s my thoughts: KILMARNOCK Hovering over the Theatre of Pies and Killie are practicing set pieces on the day before a game. Several players are taking corners and its clear that the idea is to put it on the head of the first man…….they are all good at it and appear to have no interest in getting the ball near any of their own players.

Elsewhere I can see the manager playing pocket billiards on the sideline whilst MJ is crawling on his hands and knees in each of the stands, checking to see if anyone has dropped coins at the last game…….Fraser wishart stands next to him with his hand out.

CELTIC The squad are at their Lennoxtown ground far from the madding crowd. Ronnie Deila is giving an interview to the “Are there Aliens on earth?” magazine whilst Guidetti is receiving specialist treatment on his knuckles which have been dragging too much recently.

A lot of work is going into two areas of the game. Firstly they are taking it in turns to commit cynical fouls as soon as they lose the ball in the opposition half……Scott Brown is taking this session.

Secondly they are hosting a high speed sprint session where they grab handbags from local old ladies and run like f***….old habits die hard.

RANGERS The drone flew over Murray Park but it was empty as nobody has a clue who now owns it and the gates are padlocked. The drone finds the players training at Bellahouston Park, quite appropriate as many of their unpaid creditors are a corner kick from here.

Ian Black sits in a corner chewing some raw steaks, Lee McCulloch hosts the local domino club, Kris boyd tells a tabloid he regrets his move away from a big club last season and Ally McCoist sticks two pencils up his nostrils and gently cries whilst mumbling “I want my uncle Watty”.

A*r A few players train on a derelict wasteland or their home ground as its known. The manager struts about in a Killie training top whilst waiting on the majority of the squad who are painting fences as part of their community service…..the drone gets nicked.

MAN OF THE YEAR 2014 KEVIN SCOULAR It’s not been a good year for Killie but it certainly hasn’t been dull….well not off the park at least. We reckoned there should be an award for killie man of the Year so lets have a look at the three candidates: Allan Johnston - The Killie manager is the one person who could have taken the focus away from the off field turmoil. If the team was playing good football and winning then many fans would forget all the other crap. Sadly we have been poor and as much as he is a good decent guy I’m not sure he is cut out for top level management. Our form recently has been abysmal and unless there is a dramatic upturn I suspect he will not be here for the start of next season.

Billy Bowie - The local businessman could have been seen as a white knight as he put the money in to avoid us from disaster.

Sadly he is increasingly being looked upon as a mercenary who came to get the hotel and will be gone just as quickly. I’ve spoken to him a few times and cant decide if he is genuine or if he is just ripping it big time……he has said there is no more money to invest so you expect to hear more money worries in the months ahead.

Kevin Scoular – It’s good to talk about a proper Killie man and Kevin showed some things are more important than football. Kevin saved the life of a St Johnstone fan who took ill in the Sports Bar after he attended the KFCSA Heartstart course. Well done Kevin, you are a true hero and Killie Man of the Year.

KILLIE TRUST AGM REPORT Last Wednesday at our AGM, Barry Richmond stood down from his role as Trust chairman after 7 years in the seat. In his final chairman’s report Barry highlighted the work the Trust had done in the past year and the key moments. We had two Comedy nights, one of which raised money for the Laurie and Ellie fund and saw us take our stand up showcase to Kilmarnock Rugby Club for the first time before returning to the Sports Bar for our second fundraiser in November.

We also had a representative in the Commonwealth Baton Relay which made its way through East Ayrshire on the 21st of June. Also highlighted was the latest on the Trusts attempt to see fan representation on the club board.

Although Barry has stepped down as chairman he is staying on the board and will help with a real membership drive in 2015, he had this to say about his time at the helm and the future…

“Thanks to everyone who attended the Trust AGM last night and especially to my fellow Trust Board directors who have made my job so much easier down the years.

It was an honour to serve as chairman for such a length of time and carry on the good work of those who went before me…but change has to happen if progress is to be made and I sincerely hope that our next chairperson will benefit from all that was achieved during my spell in office.

It goes without saying that I remain committed to the ideals of the trust and will continue to serve on the board until such times as I am no longer needed…and my focus this year will be on increasing membership to record levels so you have been warned!”

Also standing down but leaving their positions on the Trust board are Nigel Fitzsimmons who served as Secretary, Elaine Millar who was heavily involved in the RBS Community grant win amongst other things, Davie Davidson who was integral to all things membership in his time on board and Sandy Armour who was in charge of the epic success that was Fifty for the Future before it was wound up 2 years ago. We thank them for all their hard work over the years.

Its not all departures however; John Speirs, Jim Thomson, Paul Markac and Gary Torbett have decided to stand again and were all re-elected. A decision on who will take over as chairman will be taken in the new year.

Hippo says – I’d just like to say it’s been an honour to have been on the board of this great organisation and as we have always said, it will play a big part in the future of our famous old club.

I couldn’t begin to tell you how much time and effort Baz has put into the Trust and although it is frustrating for all of us when dealing with a club with no genuine desire in community engagement I know all the hard work will be rewarded in the long run.

I’m delighted that Baz remains on the board and along with the other board members he will ensure that the Trust continues to grow strong and play an increasingly significant part in Killie.

On a personal level I simply feel that I’ve done my time and my support of the Trust remains as strong as ever, it is healthy for all organisations to keep changing and keep bringing fresh personalities and ideas to the table….good advice for the parasite I reckon!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

LIKES FOR KILLIE (OPEN)

If you are on Facebook can I ask you to take a minute and sign up to the facebook page “Likes for Killie (open)”. It’s simply putting a positive slant on our town and we have some wonderful community ideas coming up. I’ll be heavily involved so will keep you posted on our progress……watch this space in the new year.

SPFL 1/11/14 KILLIE 1 V 3 DUNDEE EREMENKO 76 CROWD - 4481

STEWART 44 + 90 CLARKSON 51

DICK OF THE DAY – CRAIG SAMSON The big keeper gets a bit of criticism, sometimes justified however his brainstorm in the last minute was mental. He went up for a corner in the last minute but when we lost possession he decided to chase a player and make a pointless tackle rather than get back in his box….did anyone see an empty bottle of vodka in his nets???

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SPFL 0/11/14 KILLIE 1 V 3 ROSS CO

CROWD - 3684

CAREY 33 GARDYNE 40 QUINN 45

DICK OF THE DAY – THE LOT OF THEM I was going to give the award to Billy Bowie and let me explain why. BB was the man responsible for funding the new pitch . The weather was deplorable and I reckon if we had left the pitch as it was the ref would have called the game off and we would have been spared having to watch this heap of crap.

After a decent run we are now back to last season’s abject misery and on a day like this I would gladly slap every single imposter who played, managed sat in the directors box. This was embarrassing, no fight, no passion….why the hell do we bother?

Last week against Dundee there was a bit of a reaction once Muirhead came on and we may even have grabbed an undeserved draw. This week there was absolutely nothing and we look worse than ever. I wouldn’t say the bonus row is the reason for our dramatic slump but I’m pretty sure it will be a contributory factor.

SPFL 15/11/14 ARABS 3 V 1 KILLIE CROWD - 6664

CIFTCI 6 ARMSTRONG 42 CONNOLLY 90

PASCALI 38

DICK OF THE DAY – TIVVY The only good thing about watching Killie these days is the away trips with the boozehounds. I didn’t even make this game due to extreme dizziness….whats new I hear you say? Well one of the finest boozehounds is the worlds oldest teenager Tivvy who celebrated his 60th this weekend.

New farms finest gin monster was in top form as ever and the celebrations carried onto his party on Sunday. You may have noticed I have avoided talking about the football but given the way we are playing that is no bad thing. Anyway happy birthday once again Tiv and by way of another present you are awarded Dick of the Day. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

CUP 30/11/14 SEVCO 3 V 0 KILLIE LAW 19 + 84 BOYD 72 CROWD - 14412

DICK OF THE DAY – TAKE YOUR PICK We have never done a multiple choice before so rather than give an award we will let you decide.

On the back of a pathetic performance by everyone who supposedly represents our famous club you

can take your pick – SEVCO FANS –Simply for being horrible twats as ever KILLIE TEAM – For one of the most pitiful and spineless performances I have ever seen….well since the Ross County game AJ – For not being up to the job.

MJ – For being the biggest dick ever to walk through our gates

KILLIE TITTLE TATTLE Many fans missed the recent trip to attend the historic Scotland v Tonga international at the Theatre of Pies. It was great tosee us winning but from a killie perspective it was great to see an almost full stadium. Everyone I spoke to commented how much better it was as a matchday experience…..having a beer in the ground also helps.

Football in general could learn a lot from our rugby colleagues as they look after their fans far better than the footballing world.

The game gained killie a wee bit of revenue though I suspect the parasites in charge of the hotel made more than the club. One wee rumour I hear was that we were speaking to Glasgow warriors with a view to them playing all their home games at RP. I think they play their games on a Friday night so there is no problems with fixtures clashes. The rumour may have some substance for two reasons: Firstly, we have recently employed Marketing Manager Nicola sturgeon who previously worked with the Warriors.

Secondly the artificial pitch is suitable for both football and rugby…..a further layer was necessary for it to meet the egg chaser regulations.

It goes without saying that the club should be trying to maximize the use of the new pitch and I would have no issues as long as it doesn’t affect youth team games, training etc.

We are always harping on about the need for change and there has been a lot of it recently……sadly I’m not sure the changes are for the better. At boardroom we have had change but the new guys appear powerless as MJ continues to dismantle the club. The removal of Tommy Adams and the way it was handled was despicable and summed up to me how far out of touch the board is with the fans.

Tommy has stayed in the football community and is doing great commercial work with the likes of Hamilton Accies, Whitletts, Hurlford and some other junior teams. Many companies are staying loyal to Tommy therefore more business is lost…….interesting to see the calendar has no sponsorship on it, something I know Tommy had all lined up.

Good luck to Tommy and its also good luck to club secretary Kirsten Callaghan who is leaving to a new job. I’ve had many dealings with Kirsten over the years and she put in endless hours at the club. Club legend Anne Clark has been off unwell for a few weeks and it may well be that Anne will be the next person to say goodbye to the club. Whatever happens I wish them all good luck though I cant help feeling that all the unrest and changes will have a negative rather a positive effect on the club >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Finally with the January transfer window approaching we can expect to hear the usual nonsense about the comings and goings.

AJ recently took centre stage at a poorly attended “meet the manager” event and I think it will be a case of players will need to be moved out before others can come in. My concern is that we are so desperate for cash that we will accept any bids for players. Connolly is an obvious target whilst Muirhead and Slater will be catching the eye as their contracts run down.

IS MJ A NIGERIAN PRINCE? Many fans cant believe how lucky we are to be debt free and now able to pay anything up to £5 per player in bonuses. MJ has even promised if we get more than 3000 fans for the next home game he will attempt to clean the East stand toilets 9ed – sounds like a pipe dream to me).

Anyway the moles have been scurrying around the depths of RP and have discovered just how we managed to pull off the amazing deal that saw us asset free, deprived of all banking facilities and ten times more precarious than we ever were.

For the first time here is an exact copy of the letter that MJ sent his hotel co-owner: SGT. MIGUEL JOHANNSON (RTD).

BARASSIE MENTAL FACILITY LAGOS, NIGERIA. SOLICITING FOR HELP.

I am Sergeant Miguel Johannson (rtd). I heartily beg for your help. We were retired voluntarily by the commander in chief of armed forces of the country, Ibrahim Neil Doncaster during his tenure as president and commander in chief of the mental institutions. Since then we have been living in the military barracks waiting for our benefits (caviar and champagne). We hope to sell the barracks shortly and build a snobby golf course.

Some weeks ago fire destroyed the chairmans club in the barracks and everywhere caught fire. The entire club exploded and all my friends lost their lives. The death toll was about 2, while some were rendered homeless. Right now we have sold, sorry lost all we had, property, shelter, clothing, everything….even the golf clubs.

My wife and my two kids managed to survive. Right now they are in the hospital. One of them needs surgery on her arse.

We have been advised by the hospital to pay the sum of N5,000,000.00(NAIRA) which is about US$50,000.00 to commence this operation.

My inability to raise the said amount, keeps me in a state of frustration as I dearly love my daughter’s bahookie. We have access to computer. That is the only thing our government did for us.

I beg you in the name of GOD to kindly assist us with any amount of money to enable us to carry out this operation.

Your assistance will highly be appreciated or more to the point your cash.

Please help us. God will bless you abundantly and then we can grab the hotel, rip the piss out the fans then disappear into the sunset when the club goes belly up.

We await your response.

Sgt. Miguel Johannson (rtd).

DISCLAIMER – Once the money is received it will be used to line my pockets and in return you will receive endless abuse from friends of the barracks who mistakenly thought you had a backbone.

SCUM GAG An antique collector walks into a store in Kilmarnock. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat.

He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?"

The storekeeper says "Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story."

The guy says "What's the story?"

The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store.

He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on.

A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him.

He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty pounds."

The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Ayr fan?"

KILLIE QUIZ THE ANSWER IS “C”

It’s Xmas quiz time and it’s very simple, check out the three stripes, sorry options and decide which one is the truth a) Adidas saw a huge marketing opportunity when Losa returned and put out these belters. b) The talented Finn has a long lost uncle who works for the sporting giants and he churned out this rogue pair. c) A drunk Killie fan, lets call him Craig, got bladdered after a Killie game. He went home turned on his laptop, visited the Adidas “design your own” website and these arrived at his house three days later