Hippo152

AN UNOFFICIAL KILLIE FANZINE

ISSUE NO. 152

GIVE US PAPER ROSES BIG NOSE • THE STENCH OF SCOTTISH FITBA • SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE • FAKE SCOT ALERT

£2.00

THE KILLIE HIPPO IS ON SALE AT HOWARD ARMS, GLENCAIRN SQUARE, KILMARNOCK FOG’S SNACK BAR, ANNANDALE IND. ESTATE, KILMARNOCK KA1 2RS KILLIE TRUST DESK (PARK HOTEL FOR HOME GAMES) MATCH DAYS AT RP + AT ALL AWAY GAMES !

HUGE THANKS TO ALL ADVERTISERS, SUBSCRIBERS, DISTRIBUTORS AND KILLIE FANS FOR THEIR SUPPORT. All views expressed are those of the contributors. !

E-MAIL : Killiehippo@aol.com WRITE : 20 WITCHKNOWE COURT, KILMARNOCK KA1 4LF !

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BACK!ISSUES!2–151!INCLUSIVE! AVAILABLE!GET!IN!TOUCH!FOR!DETAILS!

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SHOOTING(FROM(THE(HIPPO(

One!of!the!great!pub!debates!over!the!years!is!would!you!rather!see!Killie!win! the!premiership!or!Scotland!win!the!World!cup.!It!should!be!said!that!a!lot!of!drink! is!normally!taken!by!this!point!and!in!reality!they!would!only!happen!if!there!was! a!Premiership!for!pie!making!and!a!world!cup!for!deep!fried!confectionery.!

Having!just!watched!Scotland!find!another!way!of!missing!out!on!finals!I!have! officially!changed!to!egg!chasing,!not!rugby!I!may!add,!just!chasing!easter!eggs! so!I!can!deep!fry!them.! !

Welcome!to!another!issue!and!as!far!as!Killie!are!concerned!I!don’t!really!know! what!to!think!of!our!recent!run!of!results.!We!were!reliably!informed!that!GL!was! on!the!brink!of!departure!but!back!to!back!wins!against!Dundee!Utd!and!st!

Johnstone!saved!his!skin.!Just!out!of!interest!that!was!our!first!consecutive!wins! since!January,!not!a!pretty!statistic.!Since!those!games!we!lost!to!both!Hearts! (cup)!and!Hamilton,!both!games!where!we!were!in!front!and!probably!should! have!won.!We!then!travelled!to!Hearts!and!grabbed!a!point!although!the! performance!was!nothing!to!write!home!about.! !

It!does!seem!that!GL!is!walking!the!managerial!tight!rope!and!the!departure!of!

Barraclough!and!McNamara!from!their!jobs!may!well!have!got!the!parasites!a! little!twitchy!in!the!boardroom.!You!will!see!an!article!in!this!issue!looking!at!the! managerial!situation!throughout!our!league!but!as!far!as!GL!is!concerned!I! suspect!he!is!just!one!more!bad!run!away!from!leaving.! !

Next!let!us!have!a!look!on!the!field!or!to!be!more!accurate!lets!have!a!look!at!the! controversial!playing!surface!at!RP.!It!may!well!just!be!my!imagination!but!there! seems!to!be!an!increasing!number!of!players!getting!injured,!many!of!them!going! over!with!nobody!near!them.!I’m!pretty!sure!the!players!hate!the!surface!and!it! seems!we!have!been!training!at!Kilwinning!in!recent!weeks!rather!than!on!our! own!pitch.!One!fan!came!up!to!me!and!said!he!heard!it!was!getting!lifted!at!the! end!of!the!season.!My!understanding!is!the!pitch!belongs!to!Bowie!rather!than! the!club!and!apparently!these!pitches!can!be!lifted!and!sold!to!any!interested! buyer.!It!will!be!interesting!to!see!if!ol’!big!nose!builds!a!stage!on!grass!or!plastic.! !

At!the!time!of!writing!there!is!still!no!deal!to!keep!young!Kiltie!as!a!Killie!player,!a! shocking!state!of!affairs.!I!know!the!lad!wants!to!stay!at!killie!but!the!chairman’s! promise!last!year!that!bringing!through!our!own!youngsters!was!the!way!ahead! seems!like!hollow!promises.!He!asked!to!be!judged!on!actions!not!words,!can!I! suggest!they!get!Kiltie!and!the!other!promising!youngsters!tied!up!on!decent! contracts!as!allowing!good!young!players!walk!out!the!club!will!see!even!less! fans!coming!through!the!turnstiles.! !

Thanks!for!all!the!kind!words!about!recent!issues,!it!really!does!make!all!the!hard! work!worthwhile.!

!

!

!

Sandy((

FROM YORKSHIRE TO KILLIESHIRE

Hi. Reading issue 151 was by far the best part of my eight hour round trip from Harrogate. The middle four hours were spent in and around RP! Happy memories at the mention of Lekovic (still a legend). When he was on the receiving end of back passes my heart always beat faster than any time this side of marriage vows! Liked the article on McKee and Whitworth. Was that purchase together with the wages reputed paid to Christophe Cocard the start of the debt debacle?

Still Colin's curling winner against Falkirk on a snowy January day was the second best goal I've seen for Killie. I drove up the M74 with matches being called off everywhere so that was a good day.

The best goal? Mark Skilling's 30 yarder at Tynecastle in our first season up.

Now, but for injury he would have been some player! Maybe an alternative 'history' where he was never hurt would make for good reading? It seems retreating into fantasy is the only way for us these days.

As for the game. I can't understand how a team can be so far on top and then come out for the second half like that. By the end they were a disorganised and dispirited rabble making an ordinary team look like world beaters.

Here's a damning question .....even on that display how many of the Accies players would we want?

Crawford and Imrie (I hate to admit this as he's an aggravating wee ............ (your better at that than me)). Oh and of course either of their centre backs to replace Ashcroft. Actually anyone under sixty from the crowd to replace Ashcroft he was that poor. I always had doubts but you hope for the best as you watch young lads develop (the only way for us these days) but that was as bad a defensive display by an individual as I've seen in fifty years

watching the game. I hope he has the strength of character to get over it and make a living but I fear it's going to have to be somewhere else.

So Hamilton had four players we might have used and yet we ended up a total mess. You can only blame the manager for that because it wasn't lack of effort and the ability is there in most cases.

Also very sad to see Jamie Hamill (a hard working lad I always liked) two yards off the pace and Boyd either rocked back on his heels (the first sign a forward has finally gone) or flat on his arse.

Actually my wife has never seen Killie lose (four games of which three away over the years). She'll turn up for a small fee plus expenses and see if that works?

I'm thinking of expanding that into a short story where a woman actually does this and we win all the time. How would that be and would the fans get fed up of winning?

I guess we'd settle for five years to find out ............. talk about retreating into fantasy!

Keep up the good work!

Peter J Hippo says –Thanks for the kind words Peter, it really is much appreciated .It’s fantastic to look back at some great memories from the past especially after another disappointing defeat.When I hear Mark Skilling’s name I instantly think of that fantastic goal at Tynecastle and that middle finger he gave big Pierre after his cheating at Hampden. I’m not 100% sure but I think Mark maybe lives down Maybole way these days.

McKee was an enigma, great one day and posted missing the next. I worked behind a wee Motherwell fan who thought he was an amazing player as he always seemed to save his best for the Steelmen.The days of grabbing Man Utd players may well be long gone……..I suspect shopping at Hurlford United may be more realistic.

As for the current crop I’m not sure we will be looking back on these as “great days” but God knows where we will be in 10 years time!! Keep in touch and I hope your next journey home has a happier outcome.

FRIENDLY ADVICE FOR G.L. Many fans have pretty much given up any chance on our manager turning things around on a longer term basis. That may well be true but I sincerely hope he does just that and we are challenging in the top six in a matter of months.

I never claim to be a football expert but I do see almost every Killie game and have a few suggestions for GL which may just help his own cause….here is my tuppence worth.

1.! I feel very strongly that he needs to show far more faith in the younger players. It seems when push comes to shove he opts for experience over youth…..a bit of a JJ trait. Guys like O’Hara, Kiltie, Slater and Splaine may well be the future for the club and I’m sure will blossom if given a chance. It worries me greatly if GL thinks Westlake is a better player than big O’Hara who I rate highly.

2.! Don’t play players out of position just for the sake of it, this is a pet hate of mine. The best example recently was big Josh who should play at centre forward or not at all. He has been moved wide a few times recently and it’s a waste of a jersey. Simply put players in their most natural position and you will reap the benefits.

3.! Finally, don’t let big McCulloch pull on the stripes again. I’m happy to give the big man his chance as a coach but if GL thinks he can still play then I may dig out my old boots.

Why I Can’t watch the English Premier League (A Football Life Blog)

Kevin De Bruyne, in addition to being the subject of a transfer deal that gave his value hyperinflation of the like not seen this side of the Weimar Republic, has another interesting little tidbit I’d like to share. As part of his £56m deal, Chelsea received around £12m as part of a sell on clause. While that may seem a comparative drop in the water, that £12m is higher than all the fees spent in the summer transfer window in Scotland combined. And this summer was a relative orgy of spending for Scotland.

In the EPL, they spent, in total, over £870m. This year is the first I’ve not taken the time to write an EPL preview and I felt it worth explaining why.

To be honest, if a picture really did write a thousand words, I’d stick up De Bruyne and leave it at that. I’ve nothing against De Bruyne himself, he’s simply one of a long line of starlets who went to Chelsea, improved elsewhere and either disappear from the earth or get a silly move like this (see also, Marko Marin, Marco van Ginkel, Oriol Romeu, Gael Kakuta…).

Chelsea also currently have 33 players out on loan at other clubs including such exceptional talents like Mohamed Salah. It’s hardly his fault his value has seemed to multiply by 5 in the last 12 months and Wolfsburg can’t be blamed for cashing in on it.

But it seems wrong that a market exists where this sort of hyperinflation exists. People often describe this sort of spending and avarice as like the last days of Rome, which I’ve always found to be an odd expression considering the last days of Rome were spent being little more than a Vandal or Ostrogothic client state getting regularly beaten up by barbarians but perhaps our idioms are written by Romulus Augustulus fanboys. Instead, it seems more like Croesus or Midas - figures so rapt up in acquiring wealth and status and keeping it for themselves that little else matters to them. And therein lies a considerable amount of my problem with the EPL. I like to think of the SPFL as “Pure” football, because it has been unadulterated by money.

If the SPFL is pure football, then the EPL is about as impure as you could get but masquerades as purity as often as it can. It is the footballing equivalent of a prostitute named Chastity - you know what her name is but it doesn’t exactly take you long to notice that the name means nothing and that it’s only really the money they’re after. This lie is furthered through the concept of the EPL being the “Best League in the World” when it is, instead, simply the best marketed league in the world.

A cursory look at the facts shows how far away it is from that - two Champions League semi final appearances in the last 4 seasons put a gloss on the fact that for the first time in years failure in Europe could result in the loss of the fourth Champions League place in the league as the gap back to Serie A is getting uncomfortably close, truly relegating England to the second tier of European nations.

In entertainment and quality terms, it would be the culmination of a trend that began with the departure of Cristiano Ronaldo, seeing the league lose one of the world’s two megastars and travelled through the league’s true peak of the generation (the “Aguerooooooooooo! Moment to win Man City the title) to where we are now. In this generation of footballers, the EPL will never again be able to match the quality of player of Ronaldo or the height of drama from that day in Manchester.

Therefore, the EPL is in a sort of existential decline. It’s the sort of existential decline you wouldn’t mind having considering it involves getting richer and richer but it’s turning people off all the same. People are starting to realise that the money is getting crazier and the value for money is declining.

To take De Bruyne as an example, that £56m fee translates to 183,006 annual Sky Sports Pack subscriptions (an extra £25.50pm on your sky subscription) before you even get on to wages. The decline of the EPL has often been predicted but never actually happened due to the artificial unleveller that is TV money. That gravy train will, however, run out eventually, as media itself changes. Sky may have protected itself with the NOWtv model, but it protects themselves only, and not the EPL and its clubs who are bound to suffer if subscription models change from a higher cost and lower tech model to a lower cost and higher tech model.

It will be an ITV Digital type crash in the market. But why can’t I watch the EPL? Well, for a start, it’s not THAT entertaining. The EPL last season was the 7th most high scoring league in Europe, the 12th most competitive league and had the 15th most games with four or more goals. It is predictably unpredictable to the extent that one loses interest in all sides because everyone looks weak.

The naivety of the play and the pace of the play isn’t engaging for someone who is, ultimately, a neutral and, as we are seeing regularly on the European stage, sides are able to pick English teams apart almost more because the English sides are tactically dense and inflexible than because they are actually “better” than them. This typically English manner of playing of trying to blow teams away quickly by, as Derek Rae so eloquently put it, “(starting a game) Breathing Hot Jets of Fire”. To put it another way, my “English Team” were always Arsenal. They played football the right way, with flowing passing, incredible technique and an air of gallantry that left an aura of wonderment when watching.

Compared to the great Arsenal sides of a decade ago and the copycats they brought on, the era of pressing and rushing and forcing and pace at all times is artless. I say this as a fan of a Celtic side who do exactly that, but there is a difference. In a league where your side is better, you have time. When the players are of a certain level, you don’t just have time, you make it where there is not. In the EPL, sides have so much money and amass so much talent that even the very best players rarely have time.

I, as a fan, want to see teams build up a symphony, weave a masterpiece that takes me from side to side and gets me invested. Instead, the EPL offers me monkeys banging cymbals. That might sound weird given that I primarily watch the SPFL, a league where technically proficient defending often consists of putting it only into Row Y, but I have an emotional investment in that league and heart will always trump head.

If you want incohesion, artlessness, naivety, pace and power without poise, then watch the EPL - you will have a great time but it won’t hide the fact that the league is in decline.

I won’t be joining you.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (NOT SO) GLORIOUS FAILURE

As supporters of Killie and Scotland the one label we can never be tagged with is “glory hunters”. Prior to the Poland game I had a bad feeling about it although not for a second did I think it would be with Ireland beating Germany. The French phrase books have been chucked in the bin as they won’t be getting used next summer. Back in the day we qualified for every finals tournament going but since the millennium it has been a disaster and we have a generation of young fans who don’t know what it’s like to see their national team get humiliated in finals. Hey ho, finally spare a thought for my old mucker Alex at work who did a coupon and that pathetic last minute Poland trundle cost him over £800….I think that is known as rubbing salt into the wound.

FAKE SCOT HEADS TO KILLIE Many moons ago we were a little shocked when it was announced that Elton john was heading to the Theatre of Pies……and he dragged fake scot Lulu with him. A mighty fine day was had by all as thousands boogied away on the hallowed turf. In all honesty the stadium sat well as a concert venue although it was no secret that the club didn’t make any money from the gig……the promoters had it all tied up although the club owned hotel would have done well.

The biggest news in recent weeks has been the announcement that yet another fake Scot is heading to town as Rod (born in London + supports an Irish team) heads to Killie. Seriously it is fantastic that a world renowned star is heading to the home of football. Come to think of it he must be the most famous person to grace RP since Willie Watters.

The sad fact of the matter is the club will make a nominal amount for hiring out the ground whilst the hotel thieves who have asset stripped the club will line their pockets. It’s sickening but that’s the reality of the club nowadays and it will be the case until we get rid of the parasites who are slowly killing the club.

Anyway back to ol’ big hooter, I wonder if Penny fancies a wee sesh in the Howard whilst Rod is croaking his way through the back catalogue? A big poisitve to an event like this is the benefit to small businesses in the town who will benefit from the influx of warblers into town.

I do have a wee warning for Rod all the same, if he marches onto stage with celtic crap hanging off him then volleys balls into the crowd I will reciprocate by invading the stage and volleying Rod into the back row of the Chadwick. I was thinking of doing a one off Hippo special as you can charge about £20 for a concert programme these days…….oops soory but I’ll be in the pub with Penny at that time.

Anyway I’m assured rod will be playing all the hits, here are a few classics you can expect to hear.

1.!MAGGIE HAY A little known song written by Rod in tribute to Hooky’s pet tortoise called Maggie who left three years ago to nip down to Tesco for a loaf and hasn’t been seen since…….still time for him though.

2.(FAILING An all time classic that Rod penned about the current Killie board of directors, altogether now “we are failing, we are failing….”.

3.(I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT This well known tune was written on the evening of March 12th 2012 only minutes after Killie had defeated Ceptic in the final.

This was Rod’s response to a journo who asked for his thoughts on the game.

4.(JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH I’m reliably informed that Rod will do the Depeche Mode cover, you know the ltrics “when I think of celtic I think of runners up, coz killie won the cup……..”

THE STENCH OF SCOTTISH FITBA

I find it hilarious about the huge media outcry recently regarding the letter sent to smeltic fans by their club. It basically stated that thay are “Abraham Lincoln”, fek sake I could have broke this massive exclusive about 40 years ago.To put things into perspective official figures show that 98% of their ST holders smell like a hamster’s cage and the other 25 aren’t quite so fragrant.

The letter was sent only sent to certain fans however, thoese located in South Stand rows A – ZZ, North Stand rows A – ZZ, East Stand rows A – ZZ and West Stand rows A – ZZ. To simplify that, it was sent to the full stadium. Fans were also advised that the club were dropping the letters “H” and “Y” from their nickname and they will now simply be knows as “The B.O.s”.

The Hippo moles have been hard at work and have unearthed the letter that was sent out, it read as follows:

Dear Smelly Yer aw bowfin’ Yours Boggingly Fat Pete For all future home games the following sign will be displayed in all stands (and the home dugout) PROHIBITED ITEMS LINX RIGHT GUARD BREATH FRESHENER POLO MINTS PERMITTED ITEMS SKUNKS At the end of each row of seats a steward will sit down a bucket of horse sh*t, the bucket will be marked “air freshener”.

SPFL 19/9/15 KILLIE 2 V 1 SAINTEES KILLIE(–(MCDONALD!(BRENNAN!53),WESTLAKE!(O’HARA!38),MCHATTIE,!

ASHCROFT,!FINDLAY,KILTIE!(OBADEYI!76),!HAMILL,!SLATER,!HIGGINBOTHAM,!

MCKENZIE,!MAGENNIS!! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!ROBINSON,!BOYD,!SPLAINE!+!BALATONI! !

BOOKED!–!SLATER!+!MAGENNIS! !

GOALS!–!MAGENNIS!40!+!MCKENZIE!60! !

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>! !

ST(JOHNSTONE(–(MANNUS,!FISHER!(ANDERSON!HT),!MACKAY,!

SHAUGHNESSEY,!EASTON,!WOTHERSPOON,!MILLAR,!CRAIG!(LAPPIN!72),!

O’HALLORAN,!CUMMINS,!SUTTON!(KANE!76)! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!SCOBBIE,!DAVIDSON,!CLARK!+!THOMSON! !

BOOKED!–!ANDERSON! !

GOALS!–!WOTHERSPOON!17! !

REF(–(W!COLLUM! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CROWD(<(3165!

DICK OF THE DAY – THE PARASITES Some!games!it’s!easy!to!give!the!award!as!you! have!several!divots!all!vying!for!the!gong.!On!other! occasions!it’s!not!so!easy!as!there!are!far!fewer! offensive!folk!about.!This!was!a!difficult!day!as!the! saints!are!pretty!inoffensive!and!there!is!nobody!in!their!ranks!who!severely!gets! on!my!moobs.!

On!days!like!this!it!is!very!easy!to!turn!to!the!ref!and!in!the!case!of!Collum!that! wouldn’t!be!too!difficult.!However!my!mind!goes!back!to!the!2012!cup!win!and!his! decision!to!deny!the!smellies!a!late!penalty….a!brave!decision!whatever!way!you! look!at!it.!My!biggest!annoyance!of!the!day!was!players!going!down!with!nobody! near!them!and!it!seems!to!me!the!plastic!pitch!is!causing!us!problems.!It!was!the! decision!of!the!two!parasites!to!stick!down!the!pitch!so!they!get!the!gong…..lets! be!honest!they!should!get!the!award!every!week.! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This!was!a!huge!game!after!our!fine!win!last!week!however!it!didn’t!start!well!as! we!lost!a!soft!early!goal.!Credit!to!the!players!for!fighting!back!and!securing!a! well!deserved!win!even!if!the!winning!goal!was!a!bit!lucky….things!are!looking! up.!

!!

L/CUP 23/9/15 KILLIE 2 V 3 JAMBOS KILLIE(–(RIDGERS,!O’HARA,!BALATONI,!ASHCROFT,!FINDLAY!(SMITH!26),!KILTIE! (BOYD!85),!OBADEYI!(ROBINSON!73),!HAMILL,!SLATER,!HIGGINBOTHAM,!

MAGENNIS!! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!NACDONALD,!SPLAINE,!MCLEAN!+!WILSON! !

BOOKED!–!SMITH,!SLATER!+!MAGENNIS! !

GOALS!–!MAGENNIS!13!+!80! !

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>! !

HEARTS(–(ALEXANDER,!PATERSON,!OZTURK,!AUGUSTYN,!ROSSI,!GOMIS,!

BUABEN,!NICHOLSON,!SWANSON!(DELGADO!LLORIA!58),!KING!(WALKER!52),!

SOW! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!HAMILTON,!GONZALEZ,!SUTCHUINeDJOUM,!REILLY!+!

MCGHEE! !

BOOKED!–!AUGUSTYN,!BUABEN!+!DELGADO!LLORIA! !

GOALS!–!OZTURK!74,!DELGADO!LLORIA!89!+!94! !

REF(–(C!THOMSON! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CROWD(<(3249!

DICK OF THE DAY – THOMSON Several!candidates!for!the!big!award!on!this!very! frustrating!evening.!When!they!equalized!on!90! mins!I!turned!to!the!guy!next!to!me!and!uttered!“oh! naw!extra!time”.!That!is!tempting!fate!and!I!could!

have!cost!us!the!game.!

From!a!Hearts!viewpoint!they!have!Levein!who!I!hate!with!a!passion,!Neilson! who!I!like!as!much!as!Levein!and!Augustyn!who!I!now!hate.!The!award!goes!to! the!ref!for!being!so!far!up!his!own!bahookie!he!may!need!major!surgery!to! rescue!his!big!heid.!If!he!had!done!his!job!he!would!have!sent!off!Augustyn!for!a!

1st!half!assault!on!Josh!and!we!would!have!won.!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We!ended!our!recent!good!run!with!a!thoroughly!underserved!defeat!at!the! hands!of!the!physical!jambos.!Big!Josh!scored!two!cracking!goals!and!we!were! the!better!team!however!we!capitulated!in!the!dying!minutes!and!managed!to! lose!two!goals!in!that!time.!A!sickener!in!front!of!yet!another!very!disappointingly! low!crowd.!

SPFL 26/9/15 KILLIE 1 V 2 ACCIES KILLIE(–(MCDONALD,!O’HARA,!MCHATTIE,!ASHCROFT,!BALATONI,!KILTIE! OBADEYI!(BOYD!66),!HAMILL!(ROBINSON!66)(SPLAINE!76),!SLATER,!

HIGGINBOTHAM,!MAGENNIS!! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!RIDGERS,!SMITH,!SYME!+!FRIZZELL! !

SENT(OFF!–!ASHCROFT! !

GOALS!–!KILTIE!34! !

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>! !

HAMILTON(–(MCGOVERN,!GORDON,!TENA,!TAGLIAPIETRA,!KULAKINS,!IMRIE,!

GILLESPIE,!DOCHERTY!(LYON!79),!CRAWFORD,!KURTAJ,!!

MORRIS!(NADE!60)! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!D’ACOL,!REDMOND,!SENDLESeWHITE,!LONGRIDGE!+!HILL! !

BOOKED!–!KURAKINS!+!IMRIE! !

GOALS!–!IMRIE!49!+!CRAWFORD!64! !

REF(–(D!ROBERTSON! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CROWD(<(3308!

DICK OF THE DAY – THE BOARD Another!game!where!my!blood!pressure!suffered! and!that!was!before!the!game!started.!I’m!totally! fed!up!with!the!mad!bible!thumper!with!the! microphone!who!tells!me!we!are!all!going!to!die! anyway…..what!is!the!going!rate!for!sticking!a!microphone!where!the!sun!don’t! shine.!

The!game!itself!was!no!better!and!my!health!is!starting!to!suffer!as!I!watch!the! depression!deepen!both!on!and!off!the!park.!If!you!rewind!to!last!summer!we! were!told!there!was!a!big!push!for!ST!sales!and!push!crowds!up.!Well!that!is!us! just!had!three!home!games!in!a!week!and!the!total!attendance!is!below!10k.!I!will! reiterate!this!as!often!as!necessary,!the!club!is!gubbed!and!will!not!progress!until! we!get!rid!of!the!hotel!thieves….and!its!time!they!knew!this!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The!proverbial!game!of!two!halves!but!yet!again!we!lose!a!game!after!being!in!a! winning!position.!We!did!pretty!well!in!the!first!half!and!the!ever!improving!kiltie! gave!us!a!deserved!lead.!In!the!second!half!we!were!second!best!from!the! restart!and!big!Ashcroft!had!a!nightmare.!A!very!poor!result!and!the!pressure!will! crank!up!on!GL!once!more.!

SPL 3/10/15 JAMBOS 1 V 1 KILLIE HEARTS(–(ALEXANDER,!PATERSON,!OZTURK,!AUGUSTYN,!ROSSI,!OSHANIWA,!

BUABEN,!NICHOLSON,!BUABEN,!DELGADO!LLORIA,WALKER!(REILLY!87),!!

SOW!(SWANSON!74)! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!HAMILTON,!GONZALEZ,!SUTCHUINeDJOUM,!SMITH!+!

MCGHEE! !

BOOKED!–!GOMIS!+!DELGADO!LLORIA! !

SENT(OFF(<(REILLY! !

GOALS!–!WALKER!(PEN)!40! ! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!

KILLIE(–(MCDONALD,!O’HARA,!MCHATTIE,!HAMILL!(BOYD!71),!BALATONI,!

FINDLAY,!SLATER,!OBADEYI!(MCKENZIE!60),!MAGENNIS,!KILTIE,!!

HIGGINBOTHAM!(SMITH!84)! !

SUBS(NOT(USED!–!RIDGERS,!SPLAINE,!SYME!+!FRIZZELL! !

BOOKED!–!O’HARA,!MCHATTIE,!HAMILL,!SMITH!+!OBADEYI! ( GOALS!–!BALATONI!79! !

REF(–(J!BEATON!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!CROWD(<(16461!

DICK OF THE DAY – MR SMIRNOFF

Sadly!I!didn’t!manage!to!make!the!game!and!had! to!endure!the!pathetic!radio!rants!of!Preston,!Miller! and!others!who!are!as!interesting!as!dust.!I!wont! give!them!the!award!nor!will!I!give!it!to!minibus! legend!“the!bullet”!who!couldn’t!take!us!hence! messing!up!our!usual!boozehound!jaunt.I’ve!gone!retro!as!Tynecastle!reminds! me!of!the!drunkest!I!have!ever!been.!In!summary!I!decided!to!have!a!hefty!drink! before!the!game,!totally!over!indulged!on!cola!cube!vodka,!missed!the!game!and! fell!asleep!before!being!rescued!by!my!old!mucker!Jason.!A!total!embarrassment! of!a!day!and!the!blame!lies!firmly!with!Mr!Smirnoff……..!to!this!day!I!don’t!know! why!I!didn’t!opt!for!my!usual!lagerfest.! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We!owed!this!lot!one!after!their!smash!and!grab!cup!win!and!a!point!up!there!is! ok!although!I’m!assured!we!didn’t!play!too!great.!So!that’s!what!it!feels!like!to! win.!We!have!now!conceded!a!penalty!in!each!of!our!last!three!away!games!!

THE GREAT FOOTBALL V RUGBY DEBATE Perhaps it is simply because our national team are pants and let us down on a biannual basis but I’ve found myself watching the rugby world cup over the last couple of weeks. The perception has always been that rugby was always a bit middle class played by lawyers, royalty and public school boys whilst football was the working class game.

There is a lot of truth in that however nowadays the English premiership has a prawn sandwich brigade who have been dragged into the executive clubs in the main stand as more and more money pours into the league. Of course that is not the case in Scotland and Killie have even laid a pitch to help some rugby games to our famous old ground…….changed days indeed.

I do think there is a lot we can learn from our egg chasing chums all the same so lets have a look at differing aspects of the two sports: BEER First things first, you can sit inside the ground with a beer whilst watching the rugby. I reckon some of my Killie chums only went to the rugby international at RP to experience what it was like watching at the Theatre of Pies with a pint in your mitt. As much as it sounds good the rugby crowds are a far more conservative bunch that us lot so this is one area where we wont be stealing their ideas.

INJURIES There are a couple of things here we can look at and I strongly believe we should be stealing their way of working. Firstly rugby does not suffer from prima donnas who keel over at the slightest contact. Rugby is a far more physical game and they don’t suffer fools gladly, anyone cheating would be severely damaged by a pool cue in the bar room shenanigans after the game.

Having said that there was the “bloodgate” scandal a few years back with one of the club teams down south. That was an exception all the same and some of the matches in the current world cup have been bruising encounters with no room for cheats.

The one thing I would replicate in football is allowing the game to continue while players are being treated for injury. This works well in the egg chasing and there is no disruption in play as guys are getting their noses straightened and dislocated shoulders put back in. There would have to be a few exceptions I reckon, possibly where a guy is down injured in the middle of the goal box or where the injury is obviously a bad one. That can be left to the discretion of the ref but I would bet a lot of cash that the number of “injuries” in football would greatly reduce once players realized there was no timewasting benefit in faking an injury. As a matter of interest has this even been considered in football?

REFS Another glaring difference in the two games is the treatment of the officials by the players. In rugby there is total respect for the man in the middle and any sign of dissent is immediately dealt with. As an aside they operate the ten minute sin bin for a yellow card, again that could be looked at but I fancy it would not be too popular among the fans.

The rugby refs have a microphone and explain decisions as they go…..something our refs would find impossible to do as some of their decisions defy belief. In terms of respect there is basically none for football refs from either players or fans. I suspect it is something that would need to be built up over a long period of time or in reality it is something that will never happen. I can never see the microphone being a starter in football either, the thought of Scott Brown roaring expletives for 90 minutes wouldn’t do much for the game in general!!

TIME The 80 minutes in rugby is all that is played as there is no injury time as such. Again this is something that has been spoken about before and should maybe be looked at again.We could take the whole time issue away from the ref and give it to the fourth official, it will be a pleasant distraction from getting constant abuse from the managers.

The introduction of subs could also be done while the game is in progress hence doing away with the need to add extra time. All in ll we are dealing with two totally different sports but I’m sure football could borrow some ideas that would benefit the sometimes beautiful game.

MANAGERS MERRY GO ROUND At the start of every season there is a kind of Russian roulette game as directors all round the country decide how long they can wait before punting their manager. Managers come into jobs and talk about three or five year plans but in reality very few get the time they desire…especially when they are scrapping around the foot of the table.

In the case of Killie many fans would probably have run out of patience with GL a while back and after another couple of defeats the knives will be out again shortly if we don’t rack some more points on the board. Elsewhere in the Premiership other boards have hit the panic button and two bosses have recently picked up their P45. Just out of interest a P45 at the Village Hut is a Lamb Madras with garlic nan!!

Motherwell were the first club to act and they got rid of Ian Barraclough who looked like a bit of a strange appointment from the outset. McCall had generally done a good job until about a year ago when Motherwell tumbled down the table and the ginger car bonnet dancer didn’t hang around to make things worse. The secret of course is bringing on somebody better and they didn’t really do that. They did well to beat sevco in the play offs but they haven’t kicked on from that this time around. The Steelmen beat us narrowly at Fir Park a while back but they were far from impressive and if they maintain that level of form they will be battling the drop once again.

The next mob to take action were Dundee Utd who fired McNamara after dropping to the foot of the table after a gubbing at Firhill. There was an uneasy relationship between McNamara and the board for quite a while now and his departure was about as predictable as Scotland’s inglorious failure in the Euros.

At the time of writing Yogi is being quoted as being favourite for the arabs whilst Well appear to be chasing former player Valakari. Both were apparently interested in mixu and I must admit I thought he may end up at United…..maybe he’s holding out for a return to Killie!!

As I wrote in the last issue I was told that GL was getting the boot if we had lost at Tannadice a few weeks ago. We apparently had someone lined up and I fancy that may have been mixu so who knows what is going on behind the scenes. I fancy GL is treading on very thin ice and if things don’t improve in the coming weeks he may do well to see in November in the RP hot seat.

There is no manager safe these days and the financial implications of going down are so huge that chairmen pull the trigger far quicker than they did in the past. Lets have a brief look through the league and briefly assess the managers at each club: RONNIE DEILA The guy is a twat however he will win the league and will probably pick up a cup along the way as well. However once again he failed in the champions League and that will not please the shareholders who are looking for cash in their accounts rather than points in the bag. I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves on next summer, hopefully far away from Scotland.

DEREK MCINNES Generally speaking he has done a good job and has improved the team (and the crowds) since he took over at the Theatre of Mutton. Having said that they have just lost three on the bounce and any talk of challenging Celtic seems mental from a team who lost 5 – 1 at home to St Johnstone. His stock is still quite high all the same and I suspect his name will be quoted when jobs become available, maybe in the Championship down south.

ROBBIE NEILSON He did well last season and started well in the top flight although things have gone a bit flat recently. I still expect them to be a top six team and that should ensure he is going nowhere soon. He seems well thought of by the Budge wummin and as a Jambo he will get given a bit more time by the fans that he used to play in front of.

His biggest worry may well be that dick Levein who oversees things at Tynecastle and gives the impression of being a bit of a back stabber. Levein thought Scotland could play without a striker, I wonder if he will think that Hearts can play without a manager??

MARTIN CANNING Hamilton are currently sitting 4th in the table so you would tink the new guy is going nowhere soon. They do seem like a well run club and not one who will batter through managers on a regular basis. Neil was obviously a “guid yin” so Canning had a big pair of boots to fill.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a long way to go and they could drop down the table fairly quickly however it would need to be a catastrophic demise for his job to come under threat. If it came to betting I wouldn’t be advising anyone to stick a fiver on Canning to be the next casualty.

PAUL HARTLEY The scruffy wee ned has been a good appointment for the Dens men and like Hearts they got off to a flyer this season. He seems to have his team well organized and playing in the “proper manner” ….god I really must need to cut down on all the boring clichés!

I suspect Hartley may well be the next Alex Neil in as much as he will have been spotted by teams down south and he may well leave rather than be punted. It will be interesting to see how they look later this month when we play them as I reckon the first game was a case of us being so bad that we made them look like world beaters.

JIM MCINTYRE The ex Killie man will always hold a place in our hearts after his exploits in our 1997 cup winning campaign. He is serving his managerial apprenticeship pretty well and may well be quoted for the Killie job at sometime in the future.My one concern is that his assistant is Billy Dodds, a classic exponent of “wee man syndrome” who severly gets on my man boobs.

He is doing a sound job at dingwall where he has the support of a decent chairman and is building a decent squad. I don’t see him being punted any time soon although if Yogi does ove to Tannadice I wonder if Inverness could make an audacious bid for McIntyre….probably just to upset their local rivals.

TOMMY WRIGHT The big Irishman is doing a solid job and since Killie beat them a few weeks ago they have been on a great run gubbing both sevco and the sheep. They have probably been punching above their weight for a few seasons but again they are a well run club who do well with a relatively low fan base.

I don’t see Wright getting fired any time soon and he will only move if a bigger club comes calling. He may be an outside bet for the Tannadice job if the Yogi approach falls through but that is a bit of a shot in the dark. I fancy he could be in Perth for a few years yet.

JOHN HUGHES Much like Terry Butcher in the past he has done a fine job in the highlands and that has not gone unnoticed…..mainly in the Dundee area. At the time of writing STV are reporting that utd have made an approach and as we have seen many times in the past that usually results in the guy moving to a new club.

We had the same situation with TB back in the day and we all know how that ended. I’ve never been too sure about Yogi (probably because of his ridiculous accent) but he appears to be improving with experience and he may be heading down the A9 by the time you read this.

ALAN ARCHIBALD Here was the sack race favourite a few weeks ago but in that time two bosses have departed and AA has dragged the jags off the foot of the table. I don’t see the jags flying up the table all the same and a prolonged fight in the nether regions may well take its toll on the rookie manager. He probably doesn’t have a huge budget so I think it will be a hard old season for the former Thistle defender.

I’ve covered our own situation earlier in the article and if we ignore the Yogi situation I reckon GL is the most vulnerable boss in the Premiership. It seems like he is constantly a couple of games away from the boot….if the parasites can afford it of course. I like GL as a person and dearly hope he turns things around but I have severe doubts that he will do that.

MORE HIPPO BREAKING NEWS As well as all the managerial changes up here there is a fair amount of chair shuffling down south as well. I hear Mourinho has his eyes set on the Rugby Park hot seat and has therefore gone on a suicide mission at Stamford Bridge to speed his departure.

Many fans will be delighted with the arrival of the Portugese gobsh*te and I hear he has fixed himself with a two bedroom maisonette in New Farm loch. However there is bad news and more bad news as Jose prepares for the Theatre of Pies.

Firstly Eva the former Chelsea physio has knocked back the chance to meet up again…. I had her lined up for a two course lunchtime special at the Howard as well. Secondly it seems that Jose is bringing up his big pal John Terry as his assistant so I must warn all female Killie fans to lock their doors at night, stock up on plenty pills from the pharmacy and strike a half price deal with your lawyer for the impending divorce. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A little further north in Liverpool they have bumped strange wee man Brendan Rodgers and replaced him with strange big German Jurgen Klopp. Rodgers has been immediately taken to a local secure unit and with a few years on intense therapy he should be back to (ab)normal.

We have also uncovered some incredible insight into the process to bring in the new manager. The scousers aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box so they had to employ someone whose surname fitted easily into one of their songs……listen out for the “Jurgen Klopp, King of the Kop” chants!!

NOT THAT OLD TALE AGAIN…..

Since the Govan White Socks went belly up we have heard very little about league reconstruction etc for a few years….until last week anyway. The mad irishman Dermot Desmond announced that the OF were once again heading for England and we captured a pic of Jeff Stelling as he heard the news. There’s more chance of Hartlepool signing Ronaldo…..according to Jeff.