Hippo161

KILLIE HIPPO AN UNOFFICIAL KILLIE FANZINE ISSUE NO. 161

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WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE BEAT THE BOOKIES (AYE RIGHT) BOARDROOM CIVIL WAR £2.00

THE KILLIE HIPPO IS ON SALE AT HOWARD ARMS, GLENCAIRN SQUARE, KILMARNOCK FOG’S SNACK BAR, ANNANDALE IND. ESTATE, KILMARNOCK KA1 2RS KILLIE TRUST DESK (AVOID PARK HOTEL FOR HOME GAMES) MATCH DAYS AT RP + AT ALL AWAY GAMES HUGE THANKS TO ALL ADVERTISERS, SUBSCRIBERS, DISTRIBUTORS AND KILLIE FANS FOR THEIR SUPPORT. All views expressed are those of the contributors.

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SHOOTING FROM THE HIPPO I’m writing this before we lay our first league game and already my treble dream is in ruins, how grim is that?? We pride ourselves in talking pants and making nonsensical predictions at this stage of the season but the new league cup format allied to Killie looking like a pub team means we are only on for the double. Our pre season this time around is comparable to Leicester’s last year so keep the faith!!

Hellp once again and firstly huge thanks for making issue 160 a complete sell out, something I wasn’t expecting as I thought crowds would be low. In all fairness crowd sizes weren’t great but your loyalty and support is humbling and much appreciated by all at Hippo Towers. It does seem this issue is out very quick however that is dictated by home fixtures and issue 162 will probably not be out until the Thistle game on 17th September.

The social media and forums have been very critical of the team and manager already due to our very poor showing in the Betfred Cup. Thankfully I have avoided the two home game humiliations but by all reports we have been very poor. My only criticism is that we should have played 3 or 4 games prior to the cup to give us some sort of match fitness. As it is we have constantly changed personnel all in a bid to get them some game time and hopefully find our best starting 11. It’s always good to get away to a flyer as it builds confidence and momentum however a start like ours could have the opposite effect. I’m still hopeful that we can get off to a win against Motherwell then our next two away games are against Hamilton and ross county where points could be gained. A defeat against McGhee’s tonic wine guzzlers, especially a heavy defeat, could have a real negative impact so dare I say it but the first game is hugely important. Could it be the earliest six pointer in history…honestly I’m kidding.

Looking at the positives so far Coulibaly looks like he could hit at least 15, something which can make a huge difference with so little between so many teams. Jones has looked decent on the left although I would rather see young Taylor behind him than Smith who the manager seems to rate and has surprisingly made him captain. Bojaj hasn’t had much game time but looks decent and could fit well beside Coulibaly.

Boyle and Addison look like the centre half pairing but the full back and central midfield areas are still a concern for me.

Thanks for the articles we have received and hopefully there is a good mix in this issue. You will see an article on our boardroom civil war. We have been aware about lots of stuff going on in the background but have been sworn to secrecy. It does seem that everyone now sees the parasite for what he is and I do expect him to go but knowing him it will be prolonged and messy. Hopefully he will depart and we can all focus on cleaning up his mess.

Sandy

We don’t talk any more About a year ago, in a fit of optimism that the increase in the size of the Kilmarnock FC Board of Directors might see a new era of co-operation and innovation, I sent a document, via the Kilmarnock FC Supporters Liaison Officer, with a few ideas that might be used to improve the matchday experience and tempt new and lapsed supporters back to the club. The premise was that, if you could make a Saturday match an all-day event, rather than just 90 minutes, then it might go some way to increasing the footfall (and hopefully the football!) at Rugby Park, providing much needed revenue.

The document listed a number of proposals based on matchday experiences at a number of sports events and football venues in Scotland, England and abroad:

• Enclosing external areas behind the East, Chadwick and Moffat stands providing: Ø Weather-proof areas that can be used all season Ø External surfaces that could be used for advertising Ø Internal area for kid’s events Ø Internal areas to situate TV screens to broadcast content to supporters (live games/highlights of previous games/Managers pregame briefing/advertising) Ø Multiple food vendors Ø Bookmakers Ø Club merchandise sales Ø Bar facilities (subject to legislation/SPFL rules) Club shop merchandise sales maximised.

Creating a pre-Match build up Proposals for Special Events days.

Commercial advertising/Supporters flags boards On-field events, pre-match entertainment, Youth game or Killie Ladies games prior to the match • Live music, commonly used at Hamilton Park Racing, Murrayfield etc

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Improved scoreboards to display social media from fans, advertising Player interaction pre-match for players not involved in that day’s match Improvement of hospitality facilities.

Park and ride scheme

Unfortunately, no feedback was forthcoming, I don’t even know if it reached the Board for review, but none were implemented. Maybe they were just crap ideas, but the fact remains that the biggest challenge the club faces, is to generate the income required to keep the club competitive at its current. The lack of ideas coming from the club in order to meet that challenge indicates what? That Billy Bowie will keep us afloat for ever, or they just don’t have any ideas? Neither is a sustainable option.

A recent article by Supporter’s Direct highlighted ‘10 Fan Focused Ways Clubs Can Increase Their Attendances in 2016/17’:

1. Make Supporter Engagement a Priority

All successful businesses pride themselves on customer retention. I attended a customer service conference a few years ago and it was stated that it is 37 times more difficult to get a new customer than it is to retain an existing customer. Retention has not been a success story at RP for several years (around 10 I’d say) and it needs to change.

2. Talk to Supporters

Football is a team game, not only on the pitch. To be successful an organisation has to work together WITH their customers. The only way to find out what your customers want is to talk to them. Ad hoc meetings for openly self-serving reasons don’t wash. A process for regular communication and feedback is required.

3. Measure Supporter Engagement Ok, I come from a science background, but this isn’t rocket science. How do you know you have improved if you don’t baseline and measure over a period of time? It’s all part of the Supporter engagement process, if you don’t ask your supporters how you are doing does that mean you don’t care? That is a commonly held perception, but pretty easily remedied and useful too.

4. Recognise that the Make Up of your Fan Base is Changing

I’m getting on a bit now, but when I look around me on a match day, so is everyone else! Kids are an essential part of the sustainability plan and they need to be given every encouragement to make Killie their team. There are far more women attend matches now but it is still a part of the fan base that can be improved. Just go to a Rugby international and see the gender split there, it can be done.

5. Recognise Achievement

There are too many bad news stories at RP. No-one is that consistent and the positives need to be properly recognised, promoted and publicised. Yes, there are big problems, but there are successes too. Make more of these and perceptions start to change.

6. Make the most of your Supporter Liaison Officer

The purpose of the SLO is to liaise. I don’t know much about our current SLO and that highlights the problem. The SLO should be much more visible, more communicative with the support. We should see him/her at match days and be able to chat, feedback, or raise an issue where appropriate. The SLO should be involved in the communications process, it is an important job and is another aspect of the Club ‘listening’

7. Walk in the Supporters’ Shoes

I suspect that pre-match coffee and cookies (or something stronger) in the Boardroom pre-match is an altogether different experience than walking through crowds of Rangers or Celtic fans and being called a fenian/orange b*****d (delete where appropriate) or being subjected to other abuse.

I also believe that a nice warm Boardroom is also preferable to keeping frostbite at bay on a freezing winter day with temperatures in the minuses.

How can Directors appreciate the matchday experience when they don’t experience a realistic matchday? Get out there, see what it is like, talk to your customers.

8. Be Different

Part of the problem here is the league set-up. Playing the same teams over and over again inflicts a sense of déjà vu on the supporters. It is one of the main reasons that the matchday experience has to be improved, take it beyond the limit of 90 minutes. If they showed the same films at the Odeon several times a year, would the attendance decrease? I think so. We can’t wait for the SPFL to do anything about this, but we can change what we control. A sense of identity is missing. What makes our club unique? The whole community needs to be involved to everyone’s benefit, not excluding potential unique selling points, like a nationally recognised pie brand for instance.

9. Don’t Get Left Behind

I think we are beginning to see improvement in the use of social media, but we are behind already and need to catch up. People now expect to use their mobile phone for everything; news, information, e-tickets. The easier you make it, the more people will use it. There is a wealth of expertise out there that could be available to the Club, IF the Club were receptive to it.

10. Ask Why?

The important word here is ‘ask’. Communication is at the root of most organisational problems. We need to improve this together, it’s easy to criticise (and we do), but it should be a two-way street and many of the problems we have seen over the years, were easily avoidable with proactive communication. The Club have some way to go on this and a united (with a small u) approach with the Supporters is vital.

Like I said earlier, it’s not rocket science, but with the blocks removed (and I am not ignoring the major block, taking that as read), a coming together of Supporters and Club, great things can be achieved, or at the very least provide a sustainable basis for the Club to build from.

Communication is very much at the heart of it and if we can achieve the removal of the us-them mentality, Club and Supporters, by working together, by enhancing that identity, by working as one, then we will all will be entitled to say #WeAreKillie

Cardinal Spin

SECOND IMPRESSIONS We did a wee “First Impressions” article in the first issue this season following our win at Clyde however the rest of the competition has been a bit of a disaster so it’s only right to do a quick follow up. Firstly I’m not in the LC is crap blah blah, we are pretty much a new team who have only played 4 games so it is way way too early to be making judgment.

My main criticism of Clark thus far is he said we would be taking both cup competitions very seriously. That is clearly not the case for the Betfred Cup as we had no pre-season games and we constantly chopped and changed the team much as you would do in a friendly.

I haven’t seen the home games but have been at all away games and from what I’ve seen I like the looks of Coulibaly, Jones, Bojaj and probably Boyle. We have tried three different folk at right back and none of them has exactly stuck out so that may potentially be a problem area.

Centre midfield is where I foresee a problem as we lack creativity.

Having watched how Coulibaly got his goals at Berwick I’d imagine Eremenko would have given umpteen assists in a season but that’s all wishful thinking.

Let’s stay positive for now and see how we get on in the opening set of league games, a couple of wins and the cup will be forgotten.

However a few defeats and then we might need to start worrying!!!

POOR OLD MICHAEL You can’t say we don’t provide balance in the fanzine and I was absolutely delighted when I received this anonymous letter through the post last week. Of course the articles we put in are the views of the fans so after all these years it’s heartwarming to know there is a Killie fan out there with some pro-MJ thoughts. I really do need to have a word with Baz about chasing away fans, blocking sponsors etc….here was me thinking it was the parasite!!

Anyway sit back and enjoy: Dear Armour You need to call off your war of hatred against secretary Johnston for the sake of the club. You are killing the club by driving people away from rugby Park. You should support the club no matter who is on the board otherwise you are not a proper supporter.

The vile messages on your Twitter feed and that of fellow conspirator Richmond are pure poison and hatred which benefits absolutely nobody.

The hatred is all one way and coming from you. You are an utter disgrace to the name of Kilmarnock Football Club and it’s decent supporters and an insult to the game itself.

I have met loads of people like Michael Johnston. Quite pompous and stuffy, certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. People like Johnston though are sometimes needed in an organization as they are usually well organized and quite efficient. How much do you think that Billy Bowie kmows about running a football club? Probably nothing so he relies on Johnston. Your vitriolic outburst of hatred are disrespectful to him and it is he after all who is putting in millions of cash. Do you have millions of cash….I suspect not.

Not sure if you fully understand but Johnston needs to stay until 2019 for two reasons. Firstly he is required to be there by the bank as a condition of restructuring, if he isnt’t then there are huge financial implications.

Secondly Jamie Moffat wrote off his £950k loan to the club on the understanding that Johnston remains. Both the bank and Moffat have a lot of confidence in Johnston’s ability to run the club, funny that isn’t it? The fact that Moffat sold his shares to Johnston for next to nothing is none of yours or anybody else’s damn business.

The anti Johnston brigade were an absolute disgrace at April’s AGM. Rude and disrespectful not only to the outgoing chairman but also to those decent minded supporters who were also in abundance. These people’s antipathy towards Johnston was probably fueled by the piece of toilet paper that you call a fanzine. It could be written by a five year old. Bowie’s accountants have already discounted your disgraceful allegations that Johnston is taking money out the club. Bowie said the club was run very soundly in a difficult financial climate. You are lucky you are not in court for these false allegations, there is only one parasite involved here and it’s not Johnston.

The end game here is that Johnston may leave and Bowie goes with him. I hope that he puts the club into insolvency because I would rather than was done than go down the leagues never to come back.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think that the club will rise any further without Johnston, it will sink into oblivion. My advice to you would be to call off the dogs and support the club home and away and forget about Johnston. He will leave in 2019 and he wont be taking a lot of money with him. The club isn’t worth anything, you have seen the accounts and they tell the story.

You have to give Lee Clark and the new players a chance. They don’t need all this in the background so come on lets get behind the team.

I am not signing my name to this letter less I also become the target of vile abuse, it can’t be very nice.

It makes my heart soar when we get a wee love letter so I send my heartfelt thanks to our anonymous chum from the bottom of my heart. Can I only ask that he e-mails me in future as I can copy/paste rather than having to type the whole thing out. I wouldn’t normally print anything from “unknown” warriors but felt it right that we should bring some balance to the whole parasite discussion.

I should reply to the long list of inaccuracies and contradictions one by one but I really can’t be arsed…..toilet paper indeed, that’s one of my sales pitches!!!

BEAT THE BOOKIES (AYE RIGHT) For as long as I can remember we have been doing this article at the start of each season and in all fairness we have had a little success over the years……just a little it would have to be said. Always remember this is just a bit of harmless fun and if you don’t have the money to place bets simply sell your house, get the kids into a sweat factory and sell your granny’s old jewellery on e-bay.

It should be said my own football bets during the season are few and far between mainly because I’m hopeless at them!! I’m sure the bookies had a rare old time during the Euros in the summer as it was everntauly won by Portugal who could have been bet at 18/1 at the outset….I know a good Killie fan who bet them. After the group stages I thought Croatia had looked decent and they were drawn against Portugal who were lucky to have scraped through. Needless to say I had a punt on Croatia, the game was probably the worst in the whole tourney and the Portugese won it in extra time……I decided there and then to have no other bets.

That may not fill you with confidence when it comes to doing these predictions but there is always a few gems to be had. One gem that we didn’t unearth was Leicester stating home by 10 points in the English Premiership. What a fantastic achievement it was for football in general and well done to the Foxes fans who stuck on a few quid at about 1000/1 at the start of the season. Ranieri should be knighted for the job he did, here’s hoping that Lee Clark becomes this season’s Ranieri!!!

Just to give you a wee bit of confidence our tip for the Scottish premiership last year was to back Leigh Griffiths @ 5/1 to be the league’s top scorer…..and he was. We also tipped Dunfermline at even money for League One so it wasn’t a total disaster however things weren’t quite so successful down south.

Let’s get on with this year’s money makers although I hope that nobody had a bet on the mighty Killie for the Betfred cup as your bet is down before the season properly starts:

SCOTTISH PREMIERSHIP The parasite will be beside himself with excitement now that his beloved Joey Barton and the white sox are back in the league. All our worries are over, Killie will bloom and sail into Europe, the national team will win the next World Cup and world peace will break out. Listening to him at the KFCSA agm was cringeworthy but in terms of the league betting it makes things a little more competitive.

It really does seem that the quality in the league continues on a downward spiral and any non OF team who finds a wee bit of quality may just do a Leicester…..but it’s highly unlikely. I’m not making judgments on Killie just yet but having seen the early games it’s fair to say I won’t be rushing out to stick some lolly on scotland’s finest.

Sadly we are joint faves for relegation along with Hamilton at around 11/4 while Thistle are just a little bigger at about 7/2. Perhaps Inverness are due a slump and you have to fancy that the bottom club will come from those four.

Normally I would be ranting on about Killie going for the double yet again but when you look at our form over the last couple of seasons allied to our start to the season it’s hard to argue with the bookies odds.

In terms of winning the League you can get the giro lovers at about 2/7 whilst the subway worshippers are around 3/1…….I wouldn’t advise a bet on either.

Once again it is worth looking at other markets and it would be foolish to ignore our successful tip from last season. Griffiths is only about 3/1 this time around however the next two in the betting are Waghorn and Dembele so I reckon the cone headed walloper is still the way to go.

HIPPO TIP – LEIGH GRIFFITHS TOP SCORER AT 3/1 SCOTTISH CHAMPIONSHIP First and foremost thank the good lord Willie Watters that we are not included in this battle. It will be helluva difficult to escape from once again and I am firmly of the belief that had Killie gone down we would be there for a while. Of course every cloud has a silver lining and we would have had the pleasure of 12 free points….or four local derbies as they are otherwise known. Our twelve fingered chums are still part time and their goal will simply be to survive…I’d be surprised if it’s anyone either than the scum or Dumbarton who go down

The top of the league is much more interesting with Hibs at 11/10 to build on their history making Scottish cup win. With Lennon in charge I fancy they will be hard to beat and I wouldn’t be predicting anyone to beat them. The Arabs are second best at 3/1 however most teams find it hard to adjust on the first season down so that doesn’t represent any value for me. They obviously still have a decent budget but can you honestly see Tope leading a team to a league win?

Falkirk are third best at 7/1 followed by Dunfermline and St Mirren at about 12/1 or 14/1. I just get the impression that Falkirk missed their chance last season and may find it double difficult this time around. As for a bet I’m delving into the 1st scorer betting again with Jason Cummings leading the wat at 3/1. If you fancy that Hibs will win the league then surely Cummings will bag more than his fair share so that’s my tip.

Hippo Tip – Jason Cummings (top scorer) at 3/1 LEAGUE ONE This is a much more open league but sadly the further down the leagues we know the less I know about them. Alloa are faves at 11/4 followed by Peterhead and Livingston at 4/1 then Airdrie and Stranraer at 6/1. Alloa have done ok in the early season games but I just don’t see Peterhead taking the step to the Championship.

Livingston have just been relegated so if they manage to adjust quickly they might just be the value…with Dale Carrick leading the way!! Airdrie and Stranraer may be a bit of value at that price however we will predict success at the Tony Macaroni Arena!

Hippo tip – Livingston to win league at 4/1 LEAGUE TWO We are now down to a division where I’m relying on press reports and we all know how accurate they are. This actually looks very competitive with Clyde (11/4), Forfar (4/1), Cowdenbeath (6/1) and Arbroath (6/1).

Clyde played well against Killie however the other teams mentioned are used to playing at a higher level. Take your pick from those three however I have a (huge) gut feeling for Forfar.

Hippo Tip – Forfar to win league at 4/1

ENGLISH PREMIERSHIP What an amazing season last time around and Leicester gave hope to “lesser” teams all over the country. The best pub debate at the moment is “where will they finish this season?”…..if you fancy they can retain the title then you can get 33/1 if you look hard. Ranieri has done a truly brilliant job but we wil see if he retain the rest of his squad or if others will follow Kante out the door.

One thing this has done is make the betting for this year’s title much more open and it’s the north west teams once again who are leading the way. Man City are faves at 5/2 followed by Mourinho’s reds at 7/2 with both Arsenal and Chelsea at 6/1. I would instantly rule out Arsenal who are serial failures under Wenger, I really think they can only take off once he goes.

As far as winning the title it could be an epic battle as even Spurs and Liverpool could fight their way into the fight at much bigger odds. It will be as much about the battle of the high profile managers as the teams on the park and I fancy Guardiola may just edge it….but I don’t say that with any confidence.

Hull are favourites to go down at 4/6 with burnley close behind at evens. I find it hard to see either staying up as hull are in turmoil off the park and burnley just don’t have the budget although I do rate their manager Sean Dyche.

Hippo Tip – Man City to win league at 5/2 CHAMPIONSHIP I doubt there is a more competitive league in the world and it invariably turns into a cracking battle as opposed to any team walking it. Newcastle have done fantastically well to hold on to Benitez though sadly the bookies have picked up on this and made them no value at all at 15/8. They may well win but no way would I advise betting any team so short in that league.

Next in the betting are Norwich and Villa at 10/1 then Derby and Brighton at 14/1, an argument could be made for most of them however villa look like a team on the slide. Alex neil has been kept at Norwich and it would be good to see that loyalty rewarded.There has to be some great each way value and Ipswich at 40/1 catch my eye. McCarthy had them fighting in the play off spots for most of last season and at that price they may just sneak a third place.

Hippo Tip – Ipswich Each Way at 40/1

LEAGUE TWO Another devilishly difficult league and there are still some big teams down there who have previously played at a much higher level. Sheff Utd are one such team and they lead the market at 6/1 but they have narrowly missed out before and it may be a mental problem just to get out the division. Millwall, Charlton, MK Dons, Bolton and Bradford are next in the betting with prices ranging between 10/1 to 12/1.

Both Millwall and Charlton have played further up the leagues and I have a wee fancy Millwall will go close however Charlton have off field issues which could cause a negative effect. Bolton are another team with problems and I wouldn’t be tipping them until the club has a more stable look.

MK Dons are the team that catch my eye even though they are just relegated and may take time to re-adjust. Generally speaking they are a progressive team and again they are showing loyalty to the manager. I’d always advise to bet each way when betting bigger prices as it means you can finish 2nd or 3rd and still win.

The wonderful Rochdale punched above their weight again alst season and weren’t too far away from the play offs. All credit to Keith Hill who has done a fantastic job at Spotland and I’m sure he will still go on to better things.

Hippo tip – MK Dons Each Way at 12/1 LEAGUE TWO Once again a difficult league to judge and when that’s the case I normally look for some each way value at a bigger price. Portsmouth lead the way at 9/2 and I’d love to see them win it for the sake of the fans who have had to suffer many years of misery and mismanagement.

They are followed by Doncaster, Luton and Orient all around the 10/1 mark . I have tipped Luton in previous years but they have let me down so I am deserting them……you know what’s going to happen.

My fancy is Orient, much loved by fellow boozehound Jamie who watches them several times a season. They are a bit of a yo-yo club so it’s maybe their chance to bounce back up.

Hippo tip – L.Orient Each Way at 10/1

HOW OTHERS SEE US (NO.1) We always like having a trek round t’internet to see what other folk are saying about the famous Killie. We stumbled across footballlife.co.uk, an excellent football site full of blogs. As you will see they predict a 10th placed finish, it’s hard to argue against that given our form in recent seasons. Here’s what they have to say about us:

Predicted 10th Kilmarnock Manager: Lee Clark Undoubtedly, some will ask why I am placing Killie above Caley even though Killie have lost as much a side, if not more, than Inverness. Why, also, when I’ve predicted Killie will get relegated for each of the past two seasons am I not now?

The answer is, of course, Lee Clark. Unlike Allan Johnstone, who fluked on a run or two to keep Killie safe, and unlike Gary Locke, who is Gary Locke, Lee Clark is an actual proper football manager. Beneath the passionate exterior and the comedy accent is someone who is smart enough to get the best out of his side - something shown to great effect in the playoff final vs Falkirk. Clark recognised a weakness in the Bairns’ full backs, gave Josh Magennis the chance and he was rewarded handsomely something Mark Warburton and Alan Stubbs both failed to do.

More than that, as signing nine players in a day shows, the budget is there to improve the side and Lee Clark has acted quickly and decisively to do that. Players like Callum McFadzean and Souleymane Coulibaly are proven English lower league players of the sort that have come to Scotland and thrived - with the low pressure environment of the League Cup with which to bed the side in, Killie may not suffer much for such turnover.

This doesn’t make them a great side and there is still a considerable weakness at the back which is so ingrained that it will take more than a summer to sort. What we can expect from Killie is more solidity, more graft and more joy from both. They are not suddenly going to become a top six side but just by not conceding four goals at home loads of times, it’s enough improvement to take them to 10th.

Magennis-Boyd-Coulibaly is an imposing frontline with three players who have that little bit extra to their game, not to mention Greg Kiltie who offers a lot extra. At the back, Jamie McDonald is often heroic and there is enough about the defence that, if they cut out the brainfarts, they can regularly keep clean sheets.

When matched against the top six, they still have a serious deficit of quality but they only have to be better than two sides with little in the way of redeeming features. Killie will be safe, and comfortably.

Hippo says – It’s good to read a well researched article and the guy gives an honest assessment of our squad and our prospects for the year ahead. I’m not too sure if we will see the Boyd/Coulibaly partnership up front too often however Clark does appear to prefer two strikers so you never know.

It was interesting to see Jamie McDonald get a positive mention as rumours persist that he isn’t totally happy down here. There were stories that he would be away in the summer, that didn’t happen but it hasn’t put an end to the pub whispers. I do think we will still have more new faces to come before the transfer window closes.

HIPPO BREAKING NEWS A Killie fan has caused consternation among his fellow fans by announcing that he has bought his wife an A*r Utd strip. The poor lady has had to don the full kit, not an easy thing to do when you live in the middle of New Farm loch. The husband, lets call him Tivvy, has stated it is an experiment to see what kind of reaction it would provoke.

We called Tivvy this week to see how the experiment has gone, “well so far she has been spat on, slapped in the napper and booted in the bahookie………god knows what will happen once she actually leaves the hoose!”. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> We wish brain free Joey Barton all the best after he was recently rushed to the Glasgow Royal with a sizeable blockage. Joey is now feeling fine and is on the road to recovery after having Michael Johnston removed from his “bottle of rum”. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Everyone here at Hippo Towers wishes salad dodger Ryan Stevenson all the best after escaping from the outdoor loo that time forgot.

Ryan has luckily been snapped up by championship team Dumbarton.

In other news McDonalds, Burger King, KFC and Dominoes have announced they are all opening new shops next month, all in the industrial estate next to the Dumbarton stadium. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Finally Kilmarnock Fc has announced that a vegetarian food taster has joined Billie Bowie and Mj on the Killie board….they will now be known as eat shit, shovel shit and talk shit!

HOW OTHERS SEE US (NO.2) 2015-16 report card - Kilmarnock

Running out of lives

2/10 LEAGUE: 11th, 36pts (2014-15 - 10th, 41pts) SCOTTISH CUP: Fifth round LEAGUE CUP: Third round MOST USED FIRST XI: Jamie MacDonald, Mark O'Hara, Conrad Balatoni, Stuart Findlay, Kevin McHattie, Steven Smith, Craig Slater, Kallum Higginbotham, Greg Kiltie, Rory McKenzie, Josh Magennis, OVERVIEW: The appointment of Lee Clark as manager in February came too late to save Kilmarnock from the dreaded playoffs, but they finally came up with the goods when it mattered - a 4-0 thumping of Falkirk in the second leg which keeps them up for a 24th consecutive season. Given the club's financial issues, it was a result which might have saved them from far worse than relegation.

But eleventh was not acceptable and the continued decline in attendances is a reflection of the deep malaise affecting Killie. Their artificial pitch didn't give them any home advantage; they won just 4 league games at Rugby Park, whilst conceding four goals there on four occasions and five once!

This was the last of their nine lives spent; continue in their current manner and they are doomed next time around.

HIGH POINTS: That glorious win over Falkirk, in front of a large, loud crowd. Oh, and the day Gary Locke resigned. Harsh, but fair.

LOW POINTS: Losing 4-0 on opening day at home to Dundee set the tone. Defeat by the same score three weeks later against Ross County was even worse, on a day where Lee McCulloch had one of the worst 45 minutes experienced by any central defender ever.

STAR MAN: Josh Magennis was a rare shining light, managing double figures in the league for the first time despite often being shunted to the wing to make space for Kris Boyd.

ONE FOR THE FUTURE: Locke's greatest (only?) accomplishment at Kilmarnock was to convince Greg Kiltie to sign a new contract; the young attacker was exuberant in the second half of the campaign.

WASTE OF SPACE: June 2015: Hearts reject Scott Robinson signs a three year deal with Kilmarnock. March 2016: Robinson released after just 12 appearances. They didn't win in any of his six starts.

THE BOSS: Lee Clark won only two games out of thirteen before the playoff double-header, but the team were definitely better organized and harder to beat under his tutelage. He's instigating a huge clearout, and it'll be interesting to see who he manages to rustle up using his contacts down south. Clark's record at Birmingham and Blackpool wasn't great, but there's been enough evidence so far to suggest that Killie have made a good appointment here.

PROSPECTS FOR NEXT SEASON: These depend entirely on who Clark manages to coax north. He definitely needs a striker because he can't rely on Kris Boyd as a regular goalscorer. Holding on to the impressive (but out of contract) Miles Addison would go a long way to helping the defence. The return of Rangers - whose fans presumably will be allowed to fill all the empty seats when they visit Rugby Park - should help the bank balance a fair bit.

FIRST TEAMERS DEFINITELY LEFT: Conor Brennan, Lee Ashcroft, Mark Connolly, Stuart Findlay (end of loan), Lee Hodson (end of loan), Darryl Westlake, Julien Faubert, Alex Henshall, Chris Johnston, Craig Slater, Aaron Splaine As you can tell this was written at the end of last season but once again the criticism is justified and others see us as running out of luck soon‌..we are joint faves at the bookies to be relegated this season. We will do an article in the next issue looking at all teams in the league and predicting the finishing places once all the transfer business has been done. As far as Killie are concerned I’ll settle for noticeable improvement and that will include not being involved in a relegation battle for a change.

A NIGHT WITH LEE CLARK For many years now we have had to listen to lazy bullshit journalism with the tabloids regularly labelling the Killie fans as “famously fickle”. Here at Hippo Towers we will always stick up for the Killie faithful whenever possible. I have followed Killie for a million years and I can assure these journos that every club’s fans are basically the same. When things are going well the volume raises and when the team are pants there is a section of the crowd love a moan…it’s the same from Elgin to Stranraer and all places in between.

Having said all that I’m a little worried about a couple of things relating to our manager recently. Firstly there was a report in a tabloid that he was considering his future…..even before a ball has been kicked in the league. One fairly well informed Killie fan reckoned “there is no smoke without fire” but having spoken to others and heard LC speak he doesn’t look like a man planning an exit.

My other concern is the number of Killie fans who seem to think every signing made in the summer is hopeless and LC should be punted already. It seems we are now basing opinions after playing four games that in any other season would be pre season friendlies. I should say it is only a minority saying this but surely all reasonably minded fans should give the manager and his new players a fair amount of time…… personally I would make an initial judgment after the first round of league games which will be about the end of October.

I fully understand the need to get off to a decent start this time around as nobody wants a repeat of the abomination we witnessed at the start of last season. A good start will build confidence and give us a bit of momentum that can take us into the upper reaches of the league. Psychologically that can give everyone a huge boost and nobody would need to worry about play offs or relegation. Of course the opposite can apply and a poor start can see us could in a rut and playing so called “six pointers” before Santa empties his sacks.

It sounds mad to have these discussions before the league has started but that is exactly what has been happening in the last few weeks.

With all that stuff going on the “Meet the Manager” night organisd by KFCSA promised to be a lively affair. The meeting took place in the Park Suite on the Monday prior to the league opener against Motherwell. The BBC’s John Barnes hosted the event, he is a Killie shareholder and a fan as well I believe. There was a huge turnout of fans and the venue was overflowing as the meeting opened.

LC spoke at length about his excellent playing career having been brought up as a working class lad in Newcastle. He got to play for the team he loves both at the start and end of his career and even managed a short stint at great rivals sunderland in between. He spoke about some of the managers he played under including Kevin Keegan, Kenny Dalglish and Peter Reid however he seems to hold a special affection for Frenchman Jean Tigana. That was his boos at Fulham and it seems that Lee applies many of the Frenchman’s coaching and training ideas here at RP. I didn’t take exact notes so I wont bore you with every single detail but here are some categories giving the manager’s thoughts on each.

New Signings LC felt the team needed an overhaul, not just down to ability on the field but also what characteristics they bring during the week off the field and in training.

He didn’t mention specific names but it was mentioned when someone asked about Mark O’Hara so I’m not sure if there was off field issue there.

Like all managers he knows that not all signings will be big success stories but he hopes the majority of the lads brought in will do well. He mentioned that this would be the first time most of them have had to cook for themselves and use a washing machine! He gave special mention to Josh Webb who was on trial for two weeks last year and looked excellent. He accepted the right back position was a potential issue however he hopes Webb may be the one to make the position his own.

Josh Magennis On the day of the meeting the BBC reported that big Josh had been the subject of a bid from Oldham Athletic but this has been rejected by the board. LC has spoken to josh and although he does think he may end up down south it seems he is happy enough at Killie. Personally I get the feeling josh will go before the transfer window but time will tell.

Balatoni/Boyd/Slater There were various questions asked in relation to the three players above.

Balatoni is still here but has been told he is free to find another club. He has been down in trial at Mansfield from English League Two but there was nothing else to report at this time.

Regarding Boyd there had been a story at the weekend that the big striker was a target for Dundee who have sold Hemmings and are under pressure to hold on to Greg Stewart. Lc states he knows Paul Hartley well and there has been no contact between the two. He is not aware of any approach from the Dundee board to their Killie counterparts.

One fan felt unhappy that Slater had left the club as we had nobody to replace him at present. LC stated he wanted to keep Slater and the club made him an offer that would have made him one of the highest paid at the club. He stated the player and his agent were both up front and even before the play off games, the player had stated his desire to try his luck down south.

More signings?

Boozehound legend Tivvy asked if there was still the possibility of players coming in and would he have to sell before he could bring them in. LC said that managers are constantly wheeling and dealing and that will always be the case.

He is always looking at players and if he sees a player he likes he will approach the board and ask if funds are available. Personally I’ll be surprised if we don’t see one or two more new faces although poor ST sales may have an impact on that.

Miscellaneous Greg Kiltie will be fit for the Motherwell and is a player he rates very highly.

He speaks to his contacts down south and they are always asking about the lads progress. The player is happy here but I can see there being interest in him at some point.Our fitness levels are good but our problem is we don’t play as a team when we don’t have the ball, LC and his management team are aware of the issues and are working hard to put things right.

Overall the manager came across well as a passionate football guy who puts his heart and soul into the job. Everyone at Hippo Towers wish him all the best but ultimately, like all managers, he will be judged on results.

A DATE FOR THE DIARY OF ALL KILLIE FANS

BOARDROOM CIVIL WAR If you bought issue 160 you probably about the boardroom troubles and how they were split down the middle. Well I’m sure you will have heard about the latest stories and they are not split down the middle as such…..it’s a simple case of everyone against the parasite. There was a board meeting on Friday 29th July and as far as I’m aware that was where Bowie, Kiltie and Smith officially put their cards on the table and told Johnston they wanted him removed as a director. He will probably still keep his shares but we can live with that.

It is probably all a bit confusing with AGM’s, EGM’s etc so lets try and put it into simple terms: • At the club AGM the vast majority of shareholders expressed “no confidence” in Michael Johnston. An EGM has been requested where shareholders can hold that vote.

• At the KFCSA annual general meeting a vote of no confidence was held and only two people voted in favour of Johnston.

• The other three directors have now seen sense and are actively trying to remove Johnston, if that happens there will be no need for the EGM mentioned above to be held.

In summary, the shareholders have finally seen through him and want him out, the fans want him out and now the other directors feel the same. If we had been dealing with a normal rational human being he would have been gone by now but we are dealing with a freak. He will tell anyone who listens that he is right and everyone else is wrong and in his detached wee world I actually think he believes that.

There is more we could tell you however we will leave that for now as we don’t want to ruin any deal that will see him head back to scumville where he can write his Joey Barton love letters.

BRING BACK BROWNINGS

The menu above would appear to sum up the club’s attempt at providing match day catering this season. It seems that very little effort has gone into replacing Brownings as stadium caterers. The fans have lost quality catering whilst the club will lose a huge amount through lost sponsorship. It’s not clear who is doing the catering with some folk saying the hotel are in charge.

That being the case I think most folk will simply “leave it”, one Killie fan reckons it’s the worst pie he has ever tasted……another one for the “naughty list”.