1 ke life with a teenager2014

Jan Symes

jan.symes@altoncollege.ac.uk

and that’s just the parents!

Jan Symes. May 2014

Enormous psychological, biological, & social changes.

These changes can be quite frightening.

Teens need room to explore themselves and their world, and not to be shut away from it.

Thus, as adults, we need to be aware of their needs and provide them with opportunities to grow into adults.

Please think back to your teenage years‌ Were you very similar or dissimilar?

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Try to remember your experiences in relation to these tasks:

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Wanting to be accepted by their peer group

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Searching and experimenting with their identity

Peer relationships play powerful roles in providing support and connection in their lives. They shift from friendships based largely on shared interests and activities to those based on sharing ideas and feelings, mutual trust, and understanding.

I HAVE to go to Katie’s party!

Crucial aspects of identity are typically forged during adolescence, including developing an identity that reflects a sense of individuality as well as connection to valued people and groups clothes; piercing; music.

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Develop moral judgement and challenge rules

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Find a sense of purpose in life

Teens will have a more complex understanding of moral behaviour and underlying principles of justice and caring for others. They question beliefs from childhood and adopt more personally meaningful values, religious views, and belief systems to guide their decisions and behaviour.

‘You’re such a hypocrite dad!’

They acquire new abilities to think about and plan for the future, to engage in more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution.

Perhaps choosing a career path that is not what was expected of them?

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Gain control/acceptance over physical imperfections

The effect of this rapid change is that the young adolescent often becomes very focused on his or her body. ď ˝

Test ability to love and be loved

Being able to make friends and have an accepting peer group is a major indicator of how well the adolescent will form close relationships. A rapidly changing body & sexual feelings can lead to healthy & risky sexual behaviours; establishing a sexual identity and developing the skills for romantic relationships

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Experiment with independence

Rather than a ‘separation’ from parents and other caregivers, teens need to work together with adults to negotiate a change in the relationship that balances autonomy and ongoing connection.

“Don’t you treat this place as a Hotel!”

Jan Symes. May 2014

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danger

冲突 & opportunity

= conflict

How can we see their perspective? and how can we encourage them to see ours?

Adults have more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution.

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Their self-confidence is precarious.

If they become upset, and so feel immature and childish, this lack of confidence may be expressed in sulky behaviour.

They need us to maintain a non-judgemental secure base

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in."

"I should have called it Something you somehow haven't to deserve."

Robert Frost

Remember - most difficulties are not serious or long term.

Jan Symes. May 2014

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How many of you want to talk with your teenager more?

How many of you think your teenagers want to talk to you?

Recent YouGov survey 67% 14-19yo wanted to talk more 

Jan Symes. May 2014

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“One of the things I learnt when negotiating

was that until I changed in myself I could not change others” Nelson Mandela

Be consistent about the important things (safety)  Negotiate on the rest (try using 1 – 10 scale )  Allow/ encourage assertive behaviour  Don’t take it personally (be aware of own Achilles heel) 

Jan Symes. May 2014

it’s never too late to start  Watch ‘soap operas’ with them – DON’T criticise!  Read some of the books they like & discuss  Be aware of their music.  Any activity - in the car, while cooking, fishing, shopping, walking, and even at bedtime. (= no eye contact)  Do treat your teen’s feelings and thoughts seriously (even if it seems trivial).  Do keep calm when your teen tells you something difficult to hear, (piercing!)  Maybe try a ‘communication book’  Don’t be afraid to say ‘sorry’ – model can admit mistakes.

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Open questions - w/w/h/w & w "That sounds important to you."

"Can you tell me a little more about it?”

“If you’d like to talk about it, I promise just to listen.” (make sure you do!) ‘and’ (instead of ‘but’)

Jan Symes. May 2014

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Don’t answer the phone when your teen is talking to you.

Don’t tell them how to feel (“don’t be upset, don’t get mad, don’t cry”).

Don’t say, “Do as I say, not as I do”; parents are their biggest role models.

Don’t give them consequences or punishment while they’re confiding in you (give them consequences later if they’ve broken rules or trust).

Don’t say ‘I told you so!’

Don’t expect gratitude! (until they have children) Jan Symes. May 2014

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Don’t worry about being perfect, it’s impossible!

Jan Symes. May 2014

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http://familylives.org.uk/gotateenager http://www.relateforparents.org.uk/ http://www.familytime.co.uk/parenting/how_ to_talk_to_your_child http://www.teenagehealthfreak.org/ http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers http://www.empoweringparents.com/categor y-Adolescent-And-Teen-Behavior.php

Jan Symes. May 2014

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http://www.parentinguk.org/ http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/teenage rs.shtml

I recommend to read:  ‘Get Out of My Life – but first take me and Alex into Town’

By Tony Wolf & Suzanne Franks 

Jan Symes. May 2014