Life with a Teenager

How to survive, and enjoy, your child's teenage years.

Jan Symes jan.symes@altoncollege.ac.uk

life for a teenager‌

and that’s just the parents!

Jan Symes. April 2012

What is happening to your teenager?

Enormous psychological, biological, & social changes.

These changes can be quite frightening. Teens need room to explore themselves and their world, and not to be shut away from it. Thus, as adults, we need to be aware of their needs and provide them with opportunities to grow into adults.

Please think back to your teenage years‌ Were you very similar or dissimilar?

Try to remember your experiences in relation to the Tasks outlined

Jan Symes. April 2012

‘Tasks’ of Adolescence ‘Developmental tasks’ have been identified. These are not linear so adolescents may be dealing with several:

• Wanting to be accepted by their peer group Peer relationships play powerful roles in providing support and connection in their lives. They shift from friendships based largely on shared interests and activities to those based on sharing ideas and feelings, mutual trust, and understanding.

I HAVE to go to Katie’s party!

• Searching and experimenting with their identity Crucial aspects of identity are typically forged during adolescence, including developing an identity that reflects a sense of individuality as well as connection to valued people and groups - clothes; piercing; music; politics; faith • Develop moral judgement and challenge rules Teens will have a more complex understanding of moral behaviour and underlying principles of justice and caring for others. They question beliefs from childhood and adopt more personally meaningful values, religious views, and belief systems to guide their decisions and behaviour.

‘You’re such a hypocrite dad!’

Jan Symes. April 2012

• Find a sense of purpose in life They acquire new abilities to think about and plan for the future, to engage in more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution. Perhaps choosing a career path that is not what was expected of them.

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

• Gain control/acceptance over physical imperfections The effect of this rapid change is that the young adolescent often becomes very focused on his or her body (see also Annie’s presentation on body image & self-esteem) • Test ability to love and be loved Being able to make friends and have an accepting peer group is a major indicator of how well the adolescent will form close relationships. A rapidly changing body & sexual feelings can lead to healthy & risky sexual behaviours; establishing a sexual identity and developing the skills for romantic relationships Jan Symes. April 2012

• Experiment with independence Rather than a ‘separation’ from parents and other caregivers, teens need to work together with adults to negotiate a change in the relationship that balances autonomy and ongoing connection.

“Don’t you treat this place as a Hotel!”

Remember - most difficulties in adolescence are not serious or long term.

Jan Symes. April 2012

Challenging behaviour • Their self-confidence is precarious.

• If they become upset, and so feel immature and childish, this lack of confidence may be expressed in sulky behaviour.

• They need us to maintain a non-judgemental secure base "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in."

"I should have called it Something you somehow haven't to deserve."

Robert Frost

Jan Symes. April 2012

Conflict?

• …more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution.

冲突 • danger & opportunity = conflict • how can we see their perspective?

• and how can we encourage them to see ours?

Jan Symes. April 2012

Stuck?

• How many of you want to talk with your teenager more?

• How many of you think your teenagers want to talk to you?

• recent YouGov survey 67% 14-19yo wanted to talk more

see also Dr Fiona Sizmur’s talk tonight Jan Symes. April 2012

Look at your own behaviour • “One of the things I learnt when negotiating was that until I changed in myself I could not change others” Nelson Mandela • Be consistent about the important things (safety) • Negotiate on the rest (try using 1 – 10 scale ) • Allow/ encourage assertive behaviour • Don’t take it personally (be aware of own Achilles heel)

Jan Symes. April 2012

Communication! it’s never too late to start • watch ‘soap operas’ with them – DON’T criticise!

• read some of the books they like & discuss • any activity - in the car, while cooking, fishing, shopping, walking, and even at bedtime. (= no eye contact) • Do treat your teen’s feelings and thoughts seriously (even if it seems trivial).

• Do keep calm when your teen tells you something difficult to hear, (piercing!)

• Maybe try a ‘communication book’ Jan Symes. April 2012

Try… • • • • •

Open questions - w/w/h/w & w Non-judgment-listening "That sounds important to you."

"Can you tell me a little more about it?”

“If you’d like to talk about it, I promise just to listen.” (make sure you do!)

• and (instead of but) Jan Symes. April 2012

& don’t…

• Don’t answer the phone when your teen is talking to you.

• Don’t tell them how to feel (“don’t be upset, don’t get mad, don’t cry”).

• Don’t say, “Do as I say, not as I do”, parents are their biggest role models.

• Don’t give them consequences or punishment while they’re confiding in you (give them consequences later if they’ve broken rules or trust).

• Don’t say ‘I told you so!’

• Don’t expect gratitude! (until they have children) Jan Symes. April 2012

finally..

• Don’t worry about being perfect, it’s impossible!

Jan Symes. April 2012

useful websites • http://familylives.org.uk/gotateenager • http://www.relateforparents.org.uk/ • http://www.familytime.co.uk/parenting/how_ to_talk_to_your_child • http://www.teenagehealthfreak.org/ • http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers • http://www.empoweringparents.com/categor y-Adolescent-And-Teen-Behavior.php Jan Symes. April 2012

• http://www.studyofadolescence.org.uk/ • http://www.parentinguk.org/ • http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/teenagers.s html • http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/chi ld_development/tween_teen_index.shtml • ‘Get Out of My Life – but first take me and Alex into Town’

By Tony Wolf & Suzanne Franks Jan Symes. April 2012