Ke life with a teenager2016 (002)

Jan Symes

jan.symes0@gmail.com

and that’s just the parents!

Teenagers inhabit a different world to when we were their age.

Jan Symes. May 2016

Enormous psychological, biological, & social changes.

These changes can be quite frightening.

Teens need room to explore themselves and their world, and not to be shut away from it.

We can help them make sense of these new feelings and experiences.

Is this your teen?!

Jan Symes. May 2016

  

 

Massive burst of brain (cortex) re-programming.

Higher order thinking limited by volatile emotions.

Teen amygdala is hyper-sensitive so reads as threatening situations that adults wouldn’t

Need to learn emotional self-regulation.

Gradually develop abstract thinking skills and empathy Feelings, memory. Amygdala Ff response Amygdala controls Ff response



Rational thought. Impulse control Talking, planning.



Instinctive behaviour



Hypothalamus trying to maintain equilibrium



Jan Symes. May 2016



If we are aware of their needs we can provide them with support to grow into successful adults.



Wanting to be accepted by their peer group



Searching and experimenting with their identity

Peer relationships play powerful roles in providing support and connection in their lives. They shift from friendships based largely on shared interests and activities to those based on sharing ideas and feelings, mutual trust, and understanding.

Peers initially require conformity so ‘I HAVE to go to Katie’s party!’

Crucial aspects of identity are typically forged during adolescence, including developing an identity that reflects a sense of individuality as well as connection to valued people and groups clothes; piercing; music; politics; faith.

This involves some trial & error.

Jan Symes. May 2016



Develop moral judgement and challenge rules



Find a sense of purpose in life

Teens will develop a more complex understanding of moral behaviour and underlying principles of justice and caring for others. They question beliefs from childhood and adopt more personally meaningful values, religious views, and belief systems to guide their decisions and behaviour.

‘You’re such a hypocrite dad!’

They acquire new abilities to think about and plan for the future, to engage in more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution.

They may be interested in a career path that is not what was expected of them?

A meaningful role in the family can help.

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Jan Symes. May 2016



Gain control/acceptance over physical imperfections

The effect of this rapid change is that the young adolescent often becomes very focused on his or her body. Change can be bewildering (38% boys had wet dream before knew what it was).

A rapidly changing body & sexual feelings can lead to healthy & risky sexual behaviours.

Social media (& porn) enables constant comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. 

Test ability to love and be loved

Being able to make friends and have an accepting peer group is a major indicator of how well the adolescent will form close relationships. Also establishing a sexual identity and developing the skills for romantic relationships.

Social media ‘normalcy’ – Tinder for teens?

Jan Symes. May 2016



Experiment with independence .

This causes many parents distress  Teens crave privacy.

Rather than a ‘separation’ from parents, teens need to work together with adults to negotiate a change in the relationship that balances autonomy and ongoing connection. 

“Don’t you treat this place as a Hotel!”

Jan Symes. May 2016



 



They ‘hate’ criticism, being patronised, taken for granted, unfairness, unrealistic expectations or …

Their self-confidence is precarious.

If they become emotional, and so feel immature and childish, this lack of confidence may be expressed in their behaviour.

They need us to maintain a non-judgemental secure base.

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in."

"I should have called it Something you somehow haven't to deserve."

Robert Frost

Jan Symes. May 2016



  

danger

冲突 & opportunity

= conflict

How can we see their perspective? & how can we encourage them to see ours?

Adults have more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution.

Jan Symes. May 2016





How many of you want to talk with your teenager more?

How many of you think your teenagers want to talk to you?

Recent YouGov survey 67% 14-19yo wanted to talk more 

Remember - most difficulties are not serious or long term.

Jan Symes. May 2016



“One of the things I learnt when negotiating

was that until I changed in myself I could not change others” Nelson Mandela

Be consistent about the important things (safety)  Negotiate on the rest (try using 1 – 10 scale )  Allow/ encourage assertive behaviour  Don’t take it personally (be aware of own Achilles heel)  Model understanding emotions 

(5000 feeling words)

Jan Symes. May 2016

it’s never too late to start  Watch ‘soap operas’ with them – DON’T criticise!  Read some of the books they like & discuss  Listen to their music.  Any activity - in the car, while cooking, fishing, shopping, walking, and even at bedtime. (= no eye contact)  Do treat your teen’s feelings and thoughts seriously (even if it seems trivial).  Do keep calm when your teen tells you something difficult to hear, (piercing, tattoo, sex)  Maybe try a ‘communication book’  Don’t be afraid to say ‘sorry’ – model can admit mistakes or failure.

Jan Symes. May 2016

  

 

 

Open questions - w/w/h/w (& w) Non-judgment-listening "That sounds important to you."

"Can you tell me a little more about it?”

“If you’d like to talk about it, I promise just to listen.” (make sure you do!) ‘and’ (instead of ‘but’) Be aware of your, & their, ‘unhelpful thinking habits’

Jan Symes. May 2016

 

 

 

Don’t answer the phone when your teen is talking to you.

Don’t tell them how to feel (“don’t be upset, don’t get mad, don’t cry”).

Don’t say, “Do as I say, not as I do”, parents are their biggest role models.

Don’t give them consequences or punishment while they’re confiding in you (give them consequences later if they’ve broken rules or trust).

Don’t say ‘I told you so!’

Don’t expect gratitude! (until they have children) Jan Symes. May 2016



Don’t worry about being perfect, it’s impossible!

Jan Symes. May 2016

  

  

http://familylives.org.uk/gotateenager http://www.relateforparents.org.uk/ http://www.familytime.co.uk/parenting/how_ to_talk_to_your_child http://www.teenagehealthfreak.org/ http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers http://www.empoweringparents.com/categor y-Adolescent-And-Teen-Behavior.php

Jan Symes. May 2016

   

http://hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/raisingteens/ten-tasks.html http://www.parentinguk.org/ http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/teenagers.s html http://parentinfo.org/article/teens-on-tinder

I recommend to read:  ‘Get Out of My Life – but first take me and Alex into Town’

By Tony Wolf & Suzanne Franks 

Jan Symes. May 2016