HOW TO SURVIVE, AND ENJOY , YOUR CHILD'S TEENAGE YEARS.
Jan Symes jan.symes0@gmail.com
LIFE FOR A TEENAGER…
and that’s just the parents! JAN SYMES. MAY 2018
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR TEENAGER? Enormous psychological, biological, & social changes. These changes can be quite frightening. Teens need room to explore themselves and their world, and not to be shut away from it. We can help them make sense of these new feelings and experiences. Is this your teen?!
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ADOLESCENT BRAIN CHANGES Massive burst of cortex re-programming. Higher order thinking limited by volatile emotions. Cortex- rational thought, impulse control, talking, planning, conscience. Need to learn emotional self-regulation. Gradually develop abstract thinking skills and empathy
Doesn’t mature until about 23/4 years! Short-term memory, relate events & emotions.
Amygdala, surveying for threat or reward Instinctive fff response Is hyper-sensitive so reads as threatening
situations that adults wouldn’t
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‘TASKS’ OF ADOLESCENCE If we are aware of their needs we can provide them with support to grow into successful adults. Wanting to be accepted by their peer group
Peer relationships play powerful roles in providing support and connection in their lives. They shift from friendships based largely on shared interests and activities to those based on sharing ideas and feelings, mutual trust, and understanding. Peers initially require conformity so ‘I HAVE to go to Katie’s party!’ Searching and experimenting with their identity Crucial aspects of identity are typically forged during adolescence, including developing an identity that reflects a sense of individuality as well as connection to valued people and groups - clothes; piercing; music; politics; faith. This involves some trial & error.
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..TASKS.. Develop moral judgement and challenge rules
Teens will develop a more complex understanding of moral behaviour and underlying principles of justice and caring for others. They question beliefs from childhood and adopt more personally meaningful values, religious views, and belief systems to guide their decisions and behaviour. ‘You’re such a hypocrite dad!’ Find a sense of purpose in life They acquire new abilities to think about and plan for the future, to engage in more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution. They may be interested in a career path that is not what was expected of them? A meaningful role in the family can help. "What do I want to be when I grow up?" JAN SYMES. MAY 2018
..TASKS.. Gain control/acceptance over physical imperfections The effect of this rapid change is that the young adolescent often becomes very focused on his or her body. Change can be bewildering (38% boys had wet dream before knew what it was). A rapidly changing body & sexual feelings can lead to healthy & risky sexual behaviours. Social media (& porn) enables constant comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. Test ability to love and be loved Being able to make friends and have an accepting peer group is precursor for how the teen will form close relationships. Also establishing a sexual identity and developing the skills for romantic relationships.
Social media ‘normalcy’ – Tinder for teens?
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..TASKS. Experiment with independence .
This causes many parents distress Teens crave privacy. Rather than a ‘separation’ from parents, teens need to work together with adults to negotiate a change in the relationship that balances autonomy and ongoing connection. “Don’t you treat this place as a Hotel!”
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CHALLENGING BEHAVIOUR They ‘hate’ criticism, being patronised, taken for granted, unfairness, unrealistic expectations or … Their self-confidence is precarious. If they become emotional, and so feel immature and childish, this lack of confidence is likely to be expressed in their behaviour. They need us to maintain a non-judgemental secure base.
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in." "I should have called it Something you somehow haven't to deserve." Robert Frost
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CONFLICT?
ĺ†˛çŞ danger & opportunity
= conflict How can we see their perspective? & how can we encourage them to see ours?
Adults have more sophisticated strategies for decision-making, problem solving, and conflict resolution. JAN SYMES. MAY 2018
STUCK? How many of you want to talk with your teenager more? How many of you think your teenagers want to talk to you? Recent YouGov survey
67% 14-19yo wanted to talk more Remember - most difficulties are not serious or long term.
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LOOK AT YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR “One of the things I learnt when negotiating was that until
I changed in myself I could not change others”
Nelson Mandela
Be consistent about the important things (safety) Negotiate on the rest (try using 1 – 10 scale ) Allow/ encourage assertive behaviour Don’t take it personally (be aware of own Achilles heel) Model understanding emotions
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COMMUNICATION! it’s never too late to start Watch ‘soap operas’ with them – DON’T criticise! Read some of the books they like & discuss Listen to their music. Any activity - in the car, while cooking, fishing, shopping, walking, and even at bedtime. (= no eye contact) Do treat your teen’s feelings and thoughts seriously (even if it seems trivial). Do keep calm when your teen tells you something difficult to hear, (piercing, tattoo, sex) Maybe try a ‘communication book’ Don’t be afraid to say ‘sorry’ – model can admit mistakes or failure. JAN SYMES. MAY 2018
TRY… Open questions - w/w/h/w (& w) Non-judgment-listening "That sounds important to you." "Can you tell me a little more about it?” “If you’d like to talk about it, I promise just to listen.” (make sure you do!) ‘and’ (instead of ‘but’) ‘Help me to understand’ ‘ I really want to give this some thought, so let’s talk about it on …’
Introduce practical question to nudge calmer thinking ‘ where is party?’ Be aware of your, & their, ‘unhelpful thinking habits’ JAN SYMES. MAY 2018
& DON’T… Don’t use your phone when your teen is talking to you. Don’t tell them how to feel (“don’t be upset, don’t get mad, don’t cry”). Don’t say, “Do as I say, not as I do”, parents are their biggest role models. Don’t give them consequences or punishment while they’re confiding in you (give them consequences later if they’ve broken rules or trust). Don’t try to win every argument
Don’t laugh at them when very emotional Don’t say ‘I told you so!’
Don’t expect gratitude! (until they have children)
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FINALLY.. Don’t worry about being perfect, it’s neither possible or desirable!
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USEFUL WEBSITES http://familylives.org.uk/gotateenager http://www.familytime.co.uk/parenting/how_to_talk_to_your_child http://www.teenagehealthfreak.org/
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Adolescent-And-TeenBehavior.php http://parentinfo.org/article/teens-on-tinder
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