STRENGTH COACH CAUGHT WITH JUNK FOOD BLHS strength coach Ross Schwisow is known for stressing the importance of proper nutrition, with one whole side of the white board in the weights room devoted to the top 25 healthiest foods. That’s why it may come as a shock to many BLHS students that Schwisow spends his free
time between classes eating Snickers bars behind the weights room. An unnamed source told The Express that they were walking towards the weights room when they heard the sound of crinkling plastic. They walked around to the back of the weights room and found the
EVIDENCE OF ILLUMINATI AT BLHS?
source of the noise: Schwisow, eating a Snickers bar. “I was shocked,” the source said. “He always talks about healthy eating, and here he is eating a Snickers bar? I never would have expected it.” Evidence of this can be seen on the grass behind the weights room, which is littered with
Snickers wrappers, as well as wrappers from Butterfingers, 3 Musketeers, Twix, and more. When asked about this scandal, Schwisow declined to comment. - CALDER HOLLOND
Basehor-Linwood has always been home to rumors of secret societies and mystic cults, but today we have proof. Across the school, triangles have begun to appear in seemingly random places. A line of them has appeared on the track, a few in the dumpster, and a whole bunch of them right above our lockers. The Illuminati has come to BLHS and they mean business. Beware the triangles of March... - ADAM LANG
DESPAIR: Schwartz Sparknotes
Respectable English teachers attempt to show their students the wonders of the literate world. The many characters explored, the themes pursued, all are used to expand young minds.To be a well-read student is to be a succesful one. One may think that to take a class on a basic human skill is fruitless, but consideration must be given to the analyzation required to properly understand books. The underlying meaning, the subtle symbolism, to know the basics of reading is to know even better when it comes to advanced literature. THIS is the ultimate duty blessed upon English teachers, to lead their students down the daisy-scattered path of enlightenment. A common trend among students is to avoid assigned reading by using sites like Sparknotes, Cliffnotes, and Schmoop. These websites give students the tempting opportunity to have a complete summary of the assigned reading with dabblings of analysis on the side. Generally, students will use these sites as a last-ditch effort to keep up with
class activities or tests. But, what can be said for teachers who need to keep up with their own assignments… by way of Sparknotes? Shock runs throughout Basehor-Linwood as students grapple with the truth. Beloved English teacher Aaron Schwartz was caught skulking about the foulest of literate summary sites. Multiple tabs were found to be open. With photographic proof in hand, the BLHS Express grappled in the turmoil it felt; how could our publication out one of its dearest brothers?! We decided in the end to publish such a cold truth. How could we forgive ourselves if we the pious publication, let such treachery escape? Confronted with our findings, Schwartz could only shrug and sip his coffee. He slumped farther in his low sitting swivel chair when questioned further. “It began with the ‘Scarlet Letter,’ ‘cause that book just was too awful.” His dull expression seemed to no longer care whether or not he was outed as a phony. Now, filled with conviction
Schwartz continued, “Like, at least I skimmed ‘Of Mice and Men,’” he rolls his eyes, “Then maybe watched the Sparknotes summary of it.” His ultimate lack of shame is what startles We The Express the most. At one point in his career admired for his straightforward manner of teaching. Now, he is seen for fraud. When asked why he even wanted to teach an English class, Aaron Schwartz answered, “I thought that if I wore enough Harris Tweed and drank enough coffee, my students would at least think I read more than them.” To be an English teacher feigning intellect is a crime most heinous. In classes long forgotten one will remember the shadow of an instructor giving students in-depth lessons on the assigned literature. But now, one must replace that fond memory with the knowledge that the serpent of an instructor was simply sifting among the vast sands of the book in discussion. Only sorting out the boring parts for the bare bones of the novel. This fashion is in a way far too similar to that of Sparknotes and Schmoop. This
is how we suspect he was able to manage teaching an English class without ever reading a single book he has assigned. We gathered from the coffeesmelling classroom of Mr. Schwartz that all the books upon his shelves were for show. This sad image comes to mind, late at night. Just before leaving his classroom, in half dark, Schwartz systematically taking books from his private collection. He wastes no time in looking fondly upon the covers. He blindly reaches and loosens up the binding of each book. Maybe every now and then dog earing a page or two, just to signal that that random page ‘spoke to him’. The books now look worn, which gives the illusion of having been read. When finished he sighs, with the knowledge that in these wasted minutes, he could at least attempt to read the first chapters of these books he teaches. But, of course all of this is mere speculation. - ERIN MCGOWAN
EVIDENCE OF GLOBAL WARMING
IN MRS. VIELHAUER’S ROOM The classroom of English teacher Michelle Vielhauer sits in the back of BLHS, right at the intersection of the math and English halls. The room has notoriously been known for it incredibly low temperatures year round for some years now. Whether it’s snowing outside or whether Basehor is in the midsts of a heatwave, the room remains in a constant tundra like state. It has become a predictable and accepted fact to any student who frequents the classroom. Recently, however, students have taken notice to an odd change. The cold any student has come to expect, even preparing themselves for -arming themselves with heavy jackets and fleece blankets
-- has begun to fluctuate dramatically. The temperature steadily rising. Reaching as high as a reported 84 Fahrenheit just last Thursday. This dramatic rise in temperature is of unknown origin. Many students have speculated about the change. Some students believe the source to be of supernatural origin. Others believe the air conditioner simply broke, despite the staff claiming otherwise. Others refuse to comment. All, however, are baffled. The temperature rise has created many interruptions in the classroom. Students, once accustomed to the lower temperatures, have had to
The Mysterious Stain SOLVED.
completely readjust. Once donning coats and quilts, not students have to remember to dress in shorts and/or t-shirts. Many students have swapped their hoodies for short sleeves, their sweatpants for running shorts. The high temperatures causing many students distress and confusion. Making it difficult to focus in class. An anonymous senior Honors English student had only this to say on the issue: “The classroom’s uncomfortable to sit in, it’s so warm. It’s annoying. At least when it was cold you could wear a coat. Now you can only take so many clothes off!” Many students agree, concurring that the
uncomfortable heat makes for a serious distraction during class. “No one wants to sweat during class,” that same student claims. “It’s hard to focus when you’re sticking to your seat!” We may never known the actual source to this odd phenomenon, but the facts remain. The once freezing classroom has now reached a record sweltering 84 degrees. What could possibly be the cause? The truth is yet to be uncovered, and students and staff can only hope the issue is resolved quickly. - ASHLEY HICKLIN
The mystery where the mysterious stain in the lunchroom as finally been solved. For months people have been wondering where exactly this stain came from, when an anonymous student submitted these photos to the newspaper staff with a letter attached to them in an email. “I was at the baseball game when we were playing against Bonner Springs. I like to take pictures of the games we have at Basehor, since it is one of my personal hobbies of mine. My dad bought me a professional sports camera that has a really good zoom feature, so I can take really great pictures from sitting in the very back of the bleachers. There were strange noises coming from the back of the bleachers, to which I could only hear them from sitting in the back away from the enthusiastic cheers from our fans at Basehor-Linwood. It wasn’t like a noise from any stray pet or anything of those sorts. It sounded more like a small growl from a lion mixed with owl screeches, only it was a bit more faint than what people could hear except me. Strange scraping sounds came from below from the sound of claws, thinking it can only come from my imagination. Maybe it was from my loss of sleep from writing my 10-page research paper that was due weeks ago, and I was putting it off for so long that there was only one more day the teacher could accept it. So I stayed up all night drinking Red Bull to keep myself awake enough to finish it. It could be I was a bit delusional from that. I simply disregarded any noise that was happening so I can enjoy the game. I fell asleep on the bleachers after the game was over, being woken up by a late working custodian. It was from then on when I saw something lurking below the bleachers and run out into the shadows of the trees. From that point on, I decided to stay after school to take pictures of whatever creature that was. I kept getting photos of different things each time I went to the school at night. I snuck around trying to find out what these night creatures really were that lurks in our school halls. I collected these photos and told my experience in hopes of people being more aware during school hours, and to be on the lookout for any of these creatures lurking on the shadows and empty rooms in the school.” - SIERA BERNARD
New Video Game Course Coming to BLHS The new Career and Technical Education Building is offering a new class next year. The class is only open to 30 students, and it has not yet been decided as to who will teach the class. The course is entitled, “Video Gaming Careers.” The name summarizes the entire year-long course - it’s a class that teaches students how to make a career out of playing video games. As the class suggests, there are different ways to do this - such as running a successful YouTube Channel with “Let’s Play” and “Walkthrough” series, or
testing video game designs for large companies such as Nintendo, Valve, or Bethesda. Students everywhere are excited to see not only how to make video games a career, but studying the different games and other things. The class will touch on things such as cinematography, photography, photo imaging, design, layout, marketing, writing, acting, and more. This course will be challenging to whoever signs up for it. The class is set up as a “first come first server” system. The first students to come to the
office and sign up will be the ones who get the class added to a schedule. While the class may be about video games, it is not intended to be a laid-back easy A class. The course will have its challenges, and students will be required to do things such as create a running YouTube Channel where they will upload content (this is how extra credit can be earned). The class will feature the use of cameras for filming, green screen, and as well as computers for gaming footage. Students themselves will need
to bring their own games (unless otherwise directed) that cannot be rated above the rating T. They will also need a headset to record with (or microphone if they so desire). The first semester will focus on fundamentals, while the second semester is simply posting videos and getting views for the assignments. Basehor-Linwood is excited to announce its newest addition to the course list - Video Gaming Careers. - TRISTAN MCGEHEE
DINOSAURS DIDN’T EXIST AFTER ALL Early this month, on March 4th, renowned paleontologist Doctor Alan Grant stepped forward and admitted to his, and the rest of his colleagues, falsifying of the evidence that dinosaurs exist. Dr. Grant said, “It’s something that the world of paleontology has been pulling for years. I’m sick of lying, and I want to come clean.” The first time dinosaurs were “discovered” was in 1866, by none other than President Abraham Lincoln. Sources say that Lincoln was a member of a secret group that sought to strike fear into the hearts of the American people. “Lincoln was a true inspiration
to most paleontologists. His death was something that changed the way we acted as a [secret] society in irreversible ways,” Dr. Grant said. “Actually, it’s kind of ridiculous how long the world has believed our lies,” Dr. Grant admitted. “The world paleo comes from the ancient Greek word palea which roughly translates to ‘false’ in Latin.” “If you were to study the bones we ‘dig up’, it would be very obvious that they’re fabricated. We don’t have a big enough budget to spend on fabricators, so we do what we can with what we have.” Dr. Grant gave no other names, but he did say that he hoped everyone else came clean as
well, saying “the jig is up” and “it’s time to tell the truth.” It wasn’t long after Dr. Grant’s confession that Doctor Barbara Ashmore, senior paleontologist at Pine Hill University, came forward as well. Dr. Ashmore, however, took a less serious approach to the matter. “I like to think of it as America’s longest running inside joke. Seriously, someone should call the Guinness Book of World Records or something,” Dr. Ashmore said while laughing. “I wonder how long it’ll take before everyone realizes how fake this all was,” Dr. Ashmore pondered. “I mean… who knows? Maybe it’ll be weeks, maybe it’ll be months. Heck,
it might even be a year! I just hope that everyone can get a good laugh out of it, just like we did.” Like Dr. Grant, Dr. Ashmore refused to give The Express anymore names. “Everyone else will confess to it in due time. And when they do, you can use it as another excuse to write a story,” Dr. Ashmore said. As of March 27th, no further “paleontologists” have come forward. But when they do, TEIB (The Express Investigative Branch) will have full coverage. Stay tuned, and stay alert. Trust no one; not even “scientists.” - EMMA HALL
TRACK COACH LETTER SWITCHING FROM THE EDITOR EVENTS FOR 2020 OLYMPICS Dear Reader, For the better part of his time in office, Governor Sam Brownback has done nothing but vilify our state’s teachers, and the education industry as a whole. He has done this by slashing, cutting, and bruising school budgets down to miniscule levels across the state. Yesterday though, Sam’s reign of educational terror ended, when he signed into law the “I Messed Up Act”. IMUA, which enacts a 60% tax on all households making more than $225,000 annually, passed through the state’s legislature unanimously, with Republicans calling the bill “Reaganesque” and Democrats lauding its generosity. One of the bill’s centerpieces is the vast increase it calls for in teacher pay. A first year teacher will now make $135,000 a year, with top teachers making well over 5 million dollars annually. These significant wage increases come at no cost to the Kansas taxpayer, as their congressional representatives decided to pass the buck along to the state’s wealthiest individuals: the Koch brothers. All assets in the state held by the Kochs were seized, and ownership of them was transferred over to the State of Kansas, who promptly liquidated the approximately $60 billion dollar enterprise. With all of this new found cash, the state paid for their teacher wage increases. Even then though, we still fell victim to a budget shortfall. No one could’ve guessed what happened next though. The Brownback administration went ahead and did the unthinkable: they actually enacted a tax on small businesses. The state barely survived the fiasco. There were riots in the streets. Could tax increases, on this level, actually happen in Kansas? The answer is, yes, it did, and none of the above mentioned bad things happened, either. The state of Kansas is now officially running a surplus budget, and our teachers are the highest paid on earth. This is thanks, in large part, to the heroic and bipartisan spirit of our Governor, Sam Brownback. On behalf of everyone at the Express, Thanks Sam! Sincerely, Mitchell B. Mikinski, Editor-in-Chief
There has been speculation amongst track kids recently that Coach Scott Russell could try out for the Olympics in shot put. Up until this point, Russell has politely dismissed the idea, saying that he wouldn’t. Russell hung his Olympic javelin throwing career on the shelf upon the birth of his child, in favor of spending time with his family. That’s a perfectly honorable decision, especially since he’s still helping the track & field kids as their coach. At practices recently, Mr. Russell has been throwing a lot of shot put with the kids. That’s right, not javelin, but shot. In fact, it seems that he’s been throwing a conveniently large amount. Although Russell has denied going back to the Olympics up until this point, recent documents found on his desk at BasehorLinwood High School have mentioned going back to Olympics. However, they don’t specify the event one would expect. Russell is planning to try out for the 2020 Summer Olympics, throwing shot put. It seems that when he said he would stop throwing javelin in the Olympics, it didn’t mean he was quitting the Olympics completely. We were unable to reach Mr. Russell so that he could elaborate upon the rumors, but the documents seem pretty clear. They include letters between he and fellow Olympic athletes, discussing the possibility, information on the 2020 Olympics and tryouts, and more. Having an Olympic athlete on the staff for USD 458 was a major buzz for many of the kids who went to BLMS, and for those who are under his direction in the high school track & field team, it’s very exciting. If Russell truly does follow through, it will be interesting to see where the path leads him. The dates of the 2020 Olympics, which are set to take place in Tokyo, Japan, should not interfere with school schedules, which would allow him to still teach at the middle school, and of course, it would not interfere with the track schedule at the high school. However, championship competitions leading up the Olympics could. Coach Russell of course has time to back out, and he may deny the rumors completely. However, the documents and files on his desk seem to tell no lies. If he does so choose to attend Tokyo 2020, he is wished the best of luck and backed by the entire student body of the USD 458 school district. - ADAM CROUSE
CHIPOTLE COMING TO BLHS
Long gone are the days of scrolling through your recent updates on Snapchat with story upon story of pictures of lunch trays featuring a slab of something resembling meatloaf with captions saying “thanks BLHS.” This is because our school’s kitchen is getting remodeled before the fall 2016
semester begins. Sophomore Katie Fulkerson is in high hopes that we will get sushi and Italian food served to us in the upcoming school year. Rumors have been flying about what different restaurants will be featured in this new project. Two of the most common rumors
I’ve heard are Pizza Hut and Chipotle. It’s not likely, but many students wish that McDonald’s would also be included. Many have questions such as, how much will lunch cost compared to lunch now? Is the whole OPAA! thing just going out the window? How will this
affect students’ overall health? These questions will hopefully soon be noted by administration and the news will “officially” be announced. But as of now, this news is supposed to stay on the down low. - LIBBY STALLBAUMER
COLINSPIRACIES Many people have tried to cover up many things over the years, but some people still believe in these cover-ups. These are some pretty obvious facts, and how anyone cannot believe them is astounding, because they are 100% true. The first fact is that man never landed on the moon. However, this is not for the reasons you think. The moon actually isn’t a chunk of rock in space, it’s a hologram that is being projected above the earth. The “moon landing” was a ruse to stop people from believing in this fact. Speaking of the earth, did you know that the oldest
fossil found in the earth was a hamster skeleton? A fact that’s hard to believe anybody believes in is that dinosaurs helped to build the pyramids. This is far worse than believing that aliens helped build the pyramids, which totally happened, because dinosaurs never actually existed. Fossils of “dinosaurs” are actually manufactured by the government in order to keep us believing in their scientific abilities. A fun fact dealing with dinosaurs, did you know that the earth actually used to have almost no ocean, but it was
very cloudy everywhere. Cabbage patch kids dolls were actually designed by the government after their nuclear testing. Kids looked like that after the tests, so the dolls were designed so that people could get used to what kids will look like in the future, and to prevent any panic that would ensue. Another fun fact is that ducks are only male, they can lay eggs, and this is an evolutionary advantage from a time where all female ducks were dying out. Everyone knows that Elvis Presley never died. While this
part of the story is a common fact, not many people know what happened after he died. Quite a few people say that he went to live on an island, but he never went anywhere. In fact, he even stayed a singer, he just disguised himself as another popular singer, Cher. A final fun fact is that at one point, everyone spoke Latin, until the aliens that helped to build the pyramids took that away from us as payment, creating many different languages. - COLIN COON
BLHS Crossword Try out our BLHSthemed word search! Good luck! CLASSROOM FOOTBALL ENGLISH BOBCAT TEAM CHOIR EXPRESS LUNCH LAPTOPS LOCKERS KEELER
Check out more at blhsnews.com! EXPRESS STAFF Editor-in-Chief: Mitchell Mikinski Managing Editor: Calder Hollond Reporters: Emma Hall, Ashley Hicklin, Adam Lang, Siera Bernard, Colin Coon, Katie Fulkerson, Adam Crouse, Libby Stallbaumer, Morgan Buchholz, Erin McGowan, Tristan McGehee Adviser: Kristen Loney We sincerely hope you enjoyed our April Fools Edition of the BLHS Express. Letters to the editor or inquiries about advertising in The Express can be sent to expressblhs@gmail.com.