TEEN ADOPTION

BY MARSHALL AND AMBERLY BUCKLEY

We always knew adoption would be a part of our lives, but we did not know how or when this would become a reality for us.

We both felt very strongly that we would grow our family through adoption, and at the time, we did not know if we would be able to have biological children as well due to some medical complications Amberly faced years before.

Fast forward eight years, and we had two biological daughters–who were 6 and 8 years old. We knew that our family was not complete, and we began praying about what our adoption journey would look like. We began the International adoption process in January of 2013, and we traveled around the world to China to bring our precious Anna home in May 2014 at the age of 22 months.

While we were in China, we both developed a burden for the older children who simply don’t get adopted nearly as often. Looking into the face of a child who understands the gravity of their situation, and yet they are left behind was one of the hardest things we have ever encountered. These precious children longed for the love and security of a family, and we knew we could provide that for someone else. We did not know at the time what that would look like, as we were holding our newly adopted baby that was so broken, frail, and afraid.

Fast forward another six years, and we began to ponder the idea of adoption again. We knew this time would be different and possibly much more challenging, but we dove in feet first and began to pursue older child adoption. We were given the opportunity to pursue a precious 12 year old little girl from Taiwan this time.

She had never known the love, security and safety of a family. Her “mommys” came in 12 hour shifts and changed quite often, so she was quite hesitant when we began to pursue her and asked if she wanted a family. This time was quite different than our first adoption process because this sweet child had a past full of her own stories, and she had a choice. Seeing the gospel on full display was so humbling and wonderfully terrifying–this child had done nothing to earn our pursuit, yet we were still wholeheartedly trying to make this orphan a daughter with a name and family to call her own.

Knowing the challenges that older child adoption can bring was terrifying.

So often these children are so wounded and broken, but we knew healing and redemption were possible. We did fear for our three daughters already in our home and how adding extreme pain and stress to our daily lives would affect them, but even still, we felt called to a child halfway around the world who had captured our hearts and deserved the love of a family.

There were moments throughout the process when we gained new knowledge about this child’s background that caused us to pause and pray about our next steps, but each time we continued to experience God’s perfect, sufficient grace and assurance as we moved forward in absolute trust in what God had called us to do.

We had professionals review her file and tell us that this was going to be a huge challenge for our family, but we knew this was our daughter. We experienced such amazing provision both financially and emotionally as we saw the Lord move mountains so we could cross and ocean to bring our daughter home.

Covid hit and our travel process was delayed almost ten months. We learned that an eight day trip had now turned into an almost five-week travel commitment due to quarantine and in-country travel requirements from the Taiwanese government. We had no idea how we could do this, but still God paved the way. We were $24,000 away from our adoption fund needs, and we received a phone call from friends, and they told us our bill(s) would be paid in full and to get on the plane and bring our daughter home.

We faced some really dark days when we first came home. Adoption is hard! Adoption of an older child with a past riddled with pain and hurt is even harder. Rejection, fear, outbursts and anger were the zip code we were living in for a season. Trust is hard for a child that has only known rejection and disappointment.

We really did not know if this child would ever like Amberly because she had no idea what a mother was. Her only touchstone to this concept came cold and distant 12 hour shifts. Making the choice to wake up each morning and intentionally appoint love and grace as our go-to emotions was hard but necessary.

Our children have navigated the past two years with so much grace and tenacity. Older child adoption is hard, and it truly does affect the entire family. Being able to see the gospel on display every day is amazing when you take the time to stop and take it all in. As we pursue our newest daughter each and every day, we have the opportunity to be reminded of how much more our heavenly Father sought us when we were still dead in our sins.

We have been challenged in many ways as we’ve developed a new normal, but we have also learned to press in and lean on one another in ways we never had before. Our children that were already in our home prior to this adoption have had grace to process the hard and embrace the joys as we went from a family of five to six.

If your family is prayerfully considering adoption, truly understanding and processing what your family can handle is huge! Bringing a child into your home from trauma and hard places is a very unique calling and understanding the challenges that come along for the ride is paramount. Finding an agency that will advocate for the child, as well as your family, is so important

An agency that will educate you and help you create a “tool box” of coping strategies will be more important than you can ever realize in the beginning stages of adoption. It is not if, but when, you will need to tap into this knowledge and lean on the wisdom of those who understand, because the raw emotions, fatigue and sheer exhaustion can be powerful and deceptive. The trauma that these precious kiddos have endured is not their fault, and they are not responsible for the wounds, hurt and hard that they shoulder every day. Their trauma is real, and it is coming with them into your home and lives, so being armed with prayer, understanding, patience, and grace will be vital so you can help them begin to process and accept healthy and strong attachment to people who see beyond their past.

Surround yourselves with people who will support you, pray with you and for you, take your other kids for ice cream or simply sit and listen without offering advice. Take training and adoption education seriously. Parenting an adopted child is a different process.

Adoption is beautiful, and it is hard. It is challenging, but it is worth it. It is messy, but it is beautifully broken. The hard should not stop us from stepping out in faith and placing the fatherless in our homes. Adoption will challenge you in ways you never thought possible.

As Christians, we understand the beauty and wonder of redemptive love that is freely lavished upon us by our Heavenly Father. And, as we enter into the world of adoption with full hearts and open arms, we do so with a plan to bring the fatherless into our homes and families. But, these precious ones possibly never asked to be rescued because they are most often unaware of their need for healing and wholeness. Yet, we pursue them with a fervent passion as they unknowingly, and sometimes unwillingly, become sons and daughters. We ask them to pick up a cross they were never intended to carry while simultaneously longing to share with them the One who perfectly loves them and longs to restore them of all brokenness, emptiness, and shame.

We, too, were once a fatherless child unaware of our need for redemption and grace. Yet, He still pursued us with a holy passion. Oh, that we would pursue the least of these with that same passion and grace that our Father has extended to us! Keeping our eyes ever fixed on Him to help us “face these various trials and temptations leaving us perfect and complete lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4).

The Buckleys recommend the following adoption resources:

• The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis • The Wounded Healer by Henry Nouwen • The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls

“When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19). And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters.”

Russell Moore