Long Winded

LONG WINDED By: Jason H. Long

London Amburn

THIS DATE IN HISTORY

It is a difficult time to come up with ideas for a humor column. Very little going on in the world or making headlines these days seems particularly funny. As I write this, we are observing and commemorating the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Ironically, I was in the middle of writing this column 20 years ago when I first heard about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. We continue to witness humanitarian, diplomatic, and military crises in Afghanistan unfold. The Delta variant has not yet hit its peak. Our community is deeply divided over political and societal issues, and our one unifying force, the Tennessee Volunteers, just lost their first game of the season to Pittsburgh.

However, I am an eternal optimist and a firm believer that time and distance put everything in perspective. When I get stuck, as I am today, trying to find something of topical interest to write about, I fall back on an old trope: Identifying significant events in history that occurred on this day. It’s an easy fall back because a quick Google search followed by some moderate Wikipedia research easily yields 1000 words that, while not always funny, is at least educational. I dare anyone to walk away from this column saying, “I didn’t learn anything new.” Unsure of the actual date of publication of this article, I picked September 28. Without further ado, I give you September 28 in history.

On this date, in 44 B.C., Pompey the Great was assassinated in Egypt. Fleeing from his defeat to Julius Caesar, Pompey made for the coast of Egypt and initially was received by Ptolemy XIII (rival for the throne of Egypt with his sister, Cleopatra). Ptolemy XIII had a change of heart and killed Pompey in an effort to curry favor with Caesar. Upon receiving Pompey’s head, Caesar lamented that he could not have captured Pompey himself. Caesar subsequently sided with Cleopatra who won her claim to the Egyptian throne. Ptolemy XIII is lost to history for his blunder.

William the Conqueror began his invasion of England on September 28 in 1066. Is this the most memorized date in all of world history? Maybe that nod goes to 1492 because of the catchy rhyme that Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Nonetheless, 1066 has to be a close second. I cannot ever remember not knowing that 1066 was the year William the Conqueror invaded England. Also, the coolest nickname in world history.

In 1621, the final siege of Hotin occurred and the Polish armies (aided by Cossacks) held off the Turkish-Ottoman empire in what has been called the greatest military victory in Polish history. That has got to be a fairly low bar, right? I mean, no offense to the Poles, but it is not a civilization known for great military victories. It’s not their fault, sandwiched between the Russians, Germans, French, British and Turkey, Poland is kind of the Vanderbilt of European military power. Anchor Down.

In 1887, the Yellow River in China flooded, killing between 900,000 and 2,000,000 people in one of the greatest natural disasters in history. Obviously, a great tragedy worthy of empathy to those whose lives were lost. Still, it raises concerns regarding Chinese mathematicians. A 1.1-million-person margin of error seems pretty significant.

“Say it ain’t so, Joe.” Those words were allegedly uttered by a young baseball fan as he watched his idol, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and seven other members of the Chicago White Sox, exit a Chicago courthouse, having been indicted on this day in 1920 for conspiring to throw the 1919 World Series. The Black Sox scandal remains the most notorious sports betting scandal of all time. Whether the words were ever actually uttered (it is disputed as an urban myth), the idiom has taken root in American culture.

On September 28, 1940, celebrating his 21st birthday, Michigan halfback, Tom Harmon, rushed for four touchdowns, kicked four extra points and threw for a touchdown against overmatched California. Harmon had touchdown runs that day of 94, 72 and 85. On the last run, California fan Bud Brennan ran out of the stands and tried to tackle Harmon on the 3-yard line. Not surprisingly, he missed.

In 1968 the Beatles “Hey Jude” hit number one on the American Charts and stayed there for 9 weeks. Nothing interesting to say about this except that, at various periods of my life, I have considered “Hey Jude” to be both my favorite and my least favorite Beatles song. Can someone please tell me if this is a good song.

In 1975, on September 28, three men walked into the Spaghetti House Restaurant in Knightbridge, London. What started as a simple robbery lasted for nine days, turned into a bizarre political statement, and became known as the “Spaghetti House Siege.” Franklin Davies, a 28-year-old Nigerian student living in London, entered the Spaghetti House with his accomplices, Wesley Dick and Anthony Monroe, around 1:30 a.m. demanding all of the cash in the restaurant. Due to poor lighting, the employees were able to hide the suitcases containing the weeks profits (around £11,000) and one employee was able to sneak out a window to notify police. Within minutes, the restaurant was surrounded by law enforcement, the burglars forced the remaining employees into the basement, and the standoff began. In the intervening week and a half, Davies claimed to be representing militant minority groups and stated the act was a political statement. No groups stepped forward to validate his claims. He demanded release of two black prisoners being held in London, until he learned that they had already been released some time ago. Ultimately, the standoff ended when Dick and Monroe voluntarily laid down their arms and surrendered. Davies wrote a suicide note, declaiming the treatment of minorities around the world and proceeded to shoot himself in the stomach. He did not die, but was taken to a hospital and later stood trial where he was convicted and sentenced to 22 years. Lots of questionable decisions by Mr. Davies here.

Finally, a nod to the absurd, on September 28, 1980, Jaromir Wagner became the first man to fly across the Atlantic standing on the wing of the airplane. I’m guessing he was the first, and only. Why would anyone ever try this?

Anyway, now you know more about this date in history than you previously did. You’ve also wasted roughly 3 minutes of your day. Good luck getting that billable time back.