Nevena Lovrinłeviþ PARENTAL TRAPS
Nevena Lovrinłeviþ
PARENTAL TRAPS H o w t o r e co g n i s e a n d a v o id
the mistakes parents make
NEVENA LOVRINŁEVIÞ
PARENTAL TRAPS How to recognise and avoid the mistakes parents make illustrated by Dobrosav Bob Živkoviþ
Good Parent series
Parental Traps How to recognize and avoid the mistakes parents make Author Nevena Lovrinčević Illustrations Dobrosav Bob Živković Editor Natalija Panić Proofreader Milica Rogić Reviewer Violeta Babić Prepare for print Marko Huber Published by Креативни центар 8 Gradištanska, Београд тел.: 011 / 3820 464, 3820 483, 2440 659 е-mail: info@kreativnicentar.rs
To my cornerstone mum, dad and Branka
CONTENTS Parenthood .......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 What are Parents traps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Why we should bother with traps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
TRAPS Don’t carry the baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Just let him cry .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Spare the rod and spoil the child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 I don’t want to frustrate the child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 It’s just a phase he’s going through . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 I am my child’s best friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 You’re the best ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 That could have been better... You can’t do it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 I want the best for you... You should... . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Leave it to me... It’s no trouble at all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 That’s the thanks I get! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 How to avoid traps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97 The perfect parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
PARENTHOOD
Imagine a committee of experts selecting you from among ten contestants as the ‘Worst Neighbour’. You might not be too pleased, but would probably not be too worried or dwell on it for more than half an hour. 7
What if they picked you as the worst daughter, son or spouse? That would definitely not please you, and would certainly force you to do some thinking. Now imagine that you were declared the ‘Worst Parent’… That’s a completely different thing! Most probably you would be overcome by sadness, concern and dismay, most likely also anger (at the committee), and would then re-evaluate all your parental actions very thoroughly. Indeed, of all the roles we have in life, whether they are assigned (the roles of daughter, son, sister, brother…) or chosen (the roles of partner, colleague, parent), the role of parent is certainly that in which almost all of us invest the most effort and emotion, because we want to be as good as we can. Parenthood is certainly the hardest task – the following facts prove why: A PROFICIENCY TEST – one does not exist. If you are
thinking about becoming a parent, or are worried because you don’t think you are ready for it, you should know that there is no way of testing your competence (except getting a child, and then seeing if you’ll sink or swim). TRAINING – does not exist, unless you include the advice of grandmothers, neighbours and magazine writers. WORKING HOURS – 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, i.e., non-stop. You cannot tell a youngster who wakes you up at 2 a.m. because he’s thirsty or had a bad 8
dream: “Sorry – I’m not on duty! I worked the morning shift!” PAY – lousy … not just ‘small’ or ‘insufficient’ – simply non-existent. And there is every chance that you will spend pretty much all you earn on your progeny, anyway. HOLIDAYS – do not exist. You cannot tell a child who is sick or having trouble with maths homework: “Sorry, I’m on vacation – my colleague will help you!” RESPONSIBILITY – immense. If anything at all goes wrong – you are to blame, but everything that is normal is just implied. So is a parent’s work easy? Definitely not … wonderful, challenging, important, fulfilling – those things it is, but easy it definitely isn’t. It would be far simpler if children entered this world equipped with a set of operating instructions to help us cope with situations we don’t know how to handle. At least as far as children’s health is concerned, things aren’t all bad - we get a wealth of advice about nutrition, hygiene, skin care, vaccines from paediatricians… We also know a lot about what children should eat when they’re older, when they should start athletic activities, etc. Regular physicals provide information about the development of bones, posture, eyesight, hearing, etc. But what about the equally important emotional development of our children? Here the situation is not 9
so bright, as we get either sparse information or none at all about what we should and should not do. It’s as if we are all convinced that things will simply go their own way, or that we all spontaneously know what to do. Most of our advice comes from more experienced mothers who have run the course. And the books which we have at our disposal sometimes confuse us more than they inform us. Sometimes even extensive theoretical knowledge is of little use. As a psychology graduate fresh out of university I believed there was little about parenting that I didn’t know. Of course, at the time I did not have children! Practice has proved far more demanding than theory: there were numerous situations where I did not have a clue what to do, in fact just like most parents. What we need is clear advice. For example: when a baby cries, do you pick it up, and for how long? Will you spoil it, or does it need such contact with you? When a two-year-old throws a tantrum and rolls on the floor, what do you do? Smack him, or simply step over him and pretend you don’t see him? Should we talk to him or should we punish him (and how)? Should children do chores? If so, what chores, and which are suitable for which age group? Should you help schoolchildren with their homework or not? If you should, how much? Should you sit with them until their finish, should you dictate answers for them to write down, should you pay private tutors, and from what age? What do we do with teenagers 10
who promise to come home by midnight (after lengthy negotiations – after all, “Everybody stays out longer!”) and then arrive an hour late? Do you talk to them about it, punish them, or simply ignore the matter and tolerate it as ‘just another phase’. We are simply expected to know all these things without any special preparation. We are always supposed to do the correct thing - not after discussing it at the table over a cup of coffee, but in the middle of the night, when we’re tired and when our partner (who is just as tired) has a completely different opinion and the baby is wailing like a foghorn (although it is neither hungry nor needs to be changed)… You’ve certainly had the following happen to you: you’re in a supermarket with your hands full of goods while your youngster is throwing a tantrum on the floor, naturally, with a bunch of disapproving shoppers watching the proceedings, and always someone to offer you well-meaning advice. I dare you to do the correct thing! This book has been written with the aim of making it easier for you to be a parent by offering an opportunity to look at various approaches to raising children from a different point of view, thereby allowing you to find solutions for various situations that you may encounter. Those solutions will certainly benefit both you and your children.
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WHAT ARE PARENTS’ TRAPS
Traps for parents are ideas and opinions we hold and apply in raising our children, ideas which we often don’t think about and fail to analyse but which can lead us astray in the upbringing process. Our 12
intentions are basically always good, but the result – the effect we achieve in the child, is not. The traps are often a reflection of what we ourselves adopted in our first families, from our own parents - whether we act similarly to them, or go the opposite way in an effort not to copy them. We also often embrace ideas from our surroundings – from friends, newspapers or books. Some of those ideas we apply for a short time, and others for the duration of parenthood. The traps usually come in combinations, rather than alone.
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WHY WE SHOULD BOTHER WITH TRAPS (PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE)
The reason is very simple: traps must be examined because thinking about them and adjusting our behaviour and our views will make us better parents. One of the biggest difficulties about the methods we apply to bring up our children is that most of the time there is no reliable feedback information about the effectiveness of what we are doing. Why is this so? Let us look at the following 14
examples. You think it is important that children should be obedient. You believe that sparing the rod will only spoil the child, and thus apply this rule whenever you think it is necessary. Feedback tells you that you are correct, because your child is usually obedient. You have achieved your objective, and there is no problem, is there? When your children develop behavioural problems in adolescence or even earlier (lack of discipline, disrespect for authority, tendency to violence), you will probably continue using the same tactic in an attempt to rectify that behaviour. Of course, in this way you will only cement your mistakes and create bad foundations for the development of your child, almost certainly also for your mutual relations. Let us also look at a contrasting approach: you are so concerned about your children that you worry about their health even when it is perfect, you do all their homework with them and never set aside any time for your own interests; you are very careful when regulating undesirable forms of behaviour for fear that you could traumatise the children ‌ and of course you see yourself as a dedicated and self-denying parent. Most of your time is devoted to the children. You have no clear feedback information from the children whether you should change anything or not. Several years pass, and all of a sudden they begin to show the symptoms of neuroses (indecisiveness, anxiety, nailbiting, fear of everything unknown, etc.). You will 15
certainly be concerned and puzzled. Parents who find themselves in situations such as these often see no link between their views and approaches to upbringing and its results, and unconsciously complicate things even further - things which are not at all simple to begin with. Sometimes they deny the existence of a problem or minimise it, or blame the child itself and its genes, their partners, society, teachers in school‌ One of the biggest problems in bringing up children is that we can continue making mistakes for a very long time and never be aware of it. Once emotional problems or behavioural disorders have appeared and been recognised and diagnosed as a problem, they are vastly more difficult to deal with than if they are prevented at an earlier date by adjusting the attitude to the child, and relations in the family as a whole. Prevention is Better than Cure is a principle that is even more important for youngsters’ mental health and stability than for their physical health. For that reason thinking about possible mistakes and traps will offer you an opportunity to change things and prevent problems in the emotional and social development of your children before they appear.
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TRAPS
DON’T CARRY THE BABY
Variations The child wants to be carried. They (babies) are aware of everything around
them… You’ll be in big trouble if you spoil her!
Example Jane is five days old and has just come home from the hospital. When she cries, her mother wants to pick her up, but her husband is against it: “Don’t carry her around! She will get used to it, and you will spoil her!”
Intention You don’t want to spoil the baby. You want to teach her to sleep in her cot alone. You want the child to be independent and
confident, rather than excessively attached to you.
Facts Why do babies usually stop crying when they are picked up? Because their need for physical contact and tenderness is just as strong as their need to be fed when they are hungry. The need for closeness, realised when you cradle babies, is just as important to them physiologically as a need to eat. Babies who are denied cradling, caressing and other physical contact are often slower to grow up and even develop health problems. Babies born prematurely or with below-average weight will grow up faster if they spend a lot of time in their mother’s hands. 20
In the emotional sphere, cuddling babies and carrying them is essential and carries a very important message: “I love you and I’m here for you!” Parents whose children receive such a message from them from an early age have achieved something very important for their emotional development and ‘inoculated’ them against many potential emotional problems and behavioural disorders. But it is not just babies that require physical expression of love. Kids aged, four, six, ten or even 18 should feel our love expressed by means of hugs and kisses. Maybe you think 18-year-olds are too big to be hugged occasionally? You are not right. Adolescents are often somewhat bewildered by what is happening to them (powerful emotions, quarrelsomeness, disagreements with parents and peers, problems in school…). Most probably you are also bewildered and concerned. But besides talking with children, and sometimes even having a heated debate or quarrel, you must never forget to hug them. A hug without any words said will soothe both of you and send out your most important message: “I love you and I’m here for you!”
Is this a trap? If you treat a baby like a hot potato and avoid picking it up, if you avoid hugging and kissing your youngster – YOU ARE IN A TRAP.
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Kids’ behaviour Babies often resort to crying and whining. Children aged over two or three can develop a lack of self-confidence in relations with other kids, excessive shyness around adults, tenseness; later on in life kids may become indecisive in situations that are new to them and excessively attached to you.
Possible outcomes Lack of self-confidence in social situations, in
relations with peers and adults. Lack of self-confidence and difficulties in coping with new and more demanding situations such as kindergarten, school, changes of environment… In early childhood: finding it difficult to separate from you; in later years, in puberty and adolescence: assuming a distance from you, poor communication, lack of closeness. Poor discrimination skills in accepting persons around them, a tendency to join problematic groups or to engage in unsatisfying relationships; children’s excessive need to be accepted, even if it is at their own expense.
Getting out of the trap Carry the baby, cuddle the baby, talk to the baby,
sing to it… Do not be afraid to pacify the baby by picking it up, holding it in your arms and talking soothing things 22
to it. If a child is upset, frightened or in pain, your embrace will be the best therapy. When children are upset because they fell and hurt themselves or have another problem, besides talking and/or consoling them, you should also offer physical comfort – a hug and a kiss. Never allow a baby to fall asleep in your arms – this will develop an undesirable habit in putting a child to bed. Babies should be put in their cots when they are drowsy or fully awake. Hug and kiss your child, regardless of its age and without any special reason, from time to time, or even better – regularly! Do not be afraid that cuddling, hugging and kissing will spoil your child – the rule here is that a little surplus never hurt anyone!
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JUST LET HIM CRY
Variations He’s just spoiled… He’s dry, his tummy is full .. nothing wrong with him … so
let just cry! Crying develops your lungs.
Examples Christine (three months old) cries a lot. Her parents think she’s spoiled and cheeky because she cries even when she doesn’t need her nappy changed or is hungry. Nick is three years old. His mother is talking to grandma about how Nick does not like his hair cut and always throws a tantrum at the barber’s - someone has to hold him firmly until the job is done. They never tell him when they are setting off for the barber’s, so he doesn’t cry.
Intention You don’t want your child to be spoiled and demanding. You want him or her to cry as little as possible.
Facts Crying is the only way that babies can communicate that there is something wrong. It is a paradox that we allow our babies to cry for a long time in order to teach them not to cry at all, or to cry as little as possible, but the facts tell us the exact opposite: the sooner parents, in particular mothers, fulfil their infant’s requirements by not letting them cry, the sooner babies will become quieter and less upset, therefore also less prone to 26
crying. Sometimes you hear examples to the contrary. You have certainly met parents who say they taught their youngsters to sleep by moving them to a distant room and letting them cry all night. This solved the sleeping problem. I don’t doubt it. But I am also certain that they created for themselves and their children problems far more serious than sleeping, problems that might become evident only years later. Here’s why: if you leave a baby to cry for hours, it does not know whether you are in the next room or outdoors, and whether you will come in five minutes, five hours, or never! After several hours, as expected, the baby indeed stops crying - not because it has realised by some miracle that it is not supposed to cry, but because it is tired, because you aren’t there - because you have shown it that it cannot count on you. That is not at all good for the development of your child and also for your mutual relationship, which is the foundation on which the child’s emotional development will be based. Years of research have shown that parents (particularly mothers, when babies are very small) who expedite fulfilling their infant’s needs (not just being dry and with a full belly) gradually learn the baby’s language and form a better relationship with their child; such children stop crying as time passes and grow up into stable and self-confident adults. As for older children, it’s a little different. If children cry because something hurts them, because they are frightened, because they are ashamed, because they are tired or insecure … apply the rule for babies: find out the cause and give the child comfort, a hug, a kiss, support. Never just ignore the 27
crying and scold the child. But many children aged two or more resort to crying (usually accompanied with a tantrum) when you set a limit (declining to buy them a toy, refusing to allow sweets before a meal, or not allowing them to watch TV). In such situations ignoring the crying is the best way to show children that their conduct is unacceptable. The following rule is applied: the more violent the fit, the calmer you should be in ignoring the tantrum. Of course, critical situations cannot be resolved solely in this manner. The child needs to be completely clear about what is expected of it - not, for example before you go shopping, by just being told: “Be good!” It is better to say the following: “When we’re in the supermarket, don’t run around but stay close to me and don’t take anything by yourself. I’ll tell you what to put into the shopping cart, and we’ll do it together. If you’re good, when we finish I’ll buy you some candy”. It is very important to adhere to what you said. This means that ignoring crying will not be enough to ensure desirable forms of behaviour, but it is certainly necessary. One of the worst scenarios, of course, is to give in to the child’s crying and tantrum and do what it wants. Say your kid is rolling on the floor and yelling in a shop because you are refusing to buy him candy. If you engage in a debate with him and then buy the candy anyway, all you are doing is showing him that he can profit from a tantrum, and that is exactly what he will do on the very next occasion, in spite of having promised you solemnly that he would never do it again. In such situations, feel free to ignore the crying.
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Is this a trap? If you are leaving your baby crying for a long time with the aim of teaching it not to cry; if you are trying to steel your child by criticising it, ridiculing it and/or ignoring its crying when the child is scared, insecure, worried or in pain - YOU ARE IN A TRAP.
Kids’ behaviour A child is prone to crying and whining, very attached to you, finds it hard to separate; may later have difficulties in all new and more demanding situations (kindergarten, visits to the doctor, dentist, etc.).
Possible outcomes Children of pre-school age may suffer from a tendency to burst into tears, insecurity, shyness, aggressiveness. Later on there may be difficulties in social relations: insecurity, difficulties in expressing feelings and closeness. In adolescence some may be prone to depression.
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Getting out of the trap Do not allow a newborn baby to cry. Try to find out what
each type of crying means (I am hungry, I am tired, I am bored, Change my nappy, Pick me up, Leave me alone, etc.). It will not happen overnight, but if you are keen to satisfy the baby’s various needs, you will learn its language faster. Both you and the baby will be happier, your relationship will develop in the right direction, and the baby will cry less and less. In situations in which the child is frightened, upset, insecure or in pain, whatever they might be (visits to the doctor or dentist, first day in kindergarten, haircuts, meeting unknown people; the child fell, hurt himself, is ill; separation from you, fear of a dog…), do not ignore the crying and do not scold the child for crying. Offer it support and understanding and make a difficult situation easier, even if it remains difficult. Prepare children for circumstances you think might be problematic, explain what they should expect and offer some sort of reward in return for their co-operation. Do not think that by not telling them what will happen you are helping the situation to pass painlessly. Quite the contrary: if you deceive children or conceal from them what awaits them, every new situation, even a harmless one, could become a problem because they will stop trusting you. If you’re taking them for an injection and tell them that the doctor only wants to look at their throats, later on they will refuse to co-operate even when you are only taking them for an examination.
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Once the child calms down and stops crying, analyse
the problematic situation and talk to it on a level that is appropriate to its age, listen to what it has to say, and provide any explanations that are needed. When the child is crying and throwing a tantrum because you have imposed a restriction, stay cool and ignore it. The bigger the tantrum, the cooler you should stay. As long as the crying persists, do not ask the child to talk to you or do any explaining. If needed, employ the time-out method, an efficient disciplining technique in which you restrict an unruly or aggressive child to a room or part of a room in which there is nothing that it finds interesting. The child should be left in that situation as long as it takes to normalise its behaviour, but no more minutes than its age in years. Three-year-olds may stay in a time-out for three minutes at most, four-year-olds four minutes, etc. If necessary, hold the door shut to prevent the child from leaving, and do not talk to it. Using the time-out method is not punishing the child, but teaching it what behaviour is inappropriate, and what are its consequences. Do not limit children’s right to cry with statements like “You’re a big girl and you’re crying!” “Shame on you!” , “What a cry-baby you are!” or “Boys don’t cry!” and defend your child’s right to cry from those who feel entitled to comment on its behaviour (neighbours, passers-by, relatives…). Your child will be grateful and will feel better.
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Let us think back to the kids in our example. Christine’s parents should know that a baby’s needs are much more complex than just being dry and fed. The good news is that no parents need a university degree in order to take proper care of their children. Things are much simpler – they should not ignore their baby’s crying and should learn its language as soon as possible, talk to her and cuddle her – she will be happier and will cry less. Think back to Nick and what you would do if you were him. You have no idea what awaits you there, because no one has ever told you! You cry because you are too young to be able to explain what is the matter… And then they restrain you by force and someone you don’t even know approaches your head holding something that does not look harmless (scissors) or something noisy (an electric hair-clipper). And you’re just three years old! It might have helped if Nick had been told that he would look much better after having his hair cut, that the barber would use special scissors to make a haircut for him just like his older brother’s. It would also have relaxed him if they had taken him previously to the salon to see other kids getting haircuts, if they had let him sit in the tall kids’ chair and just play for a while, if he could have talked to the barber and got candy from him. It might all have taken a little longer, but it would have solved the problem for all time. Employing force and ambushing tactics only destroys confidence, aggravates problems and makes problematic situations last even longer. 32