All That I Remember, Nostalgia through journal entries by Kristia V

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

K.A. Villanueva

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Dedicated to my best friend in the Philippines, Damaris Jornales. You did not get to read these journal entries, but I know you were there through it all. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll chat with you on Facebook soon.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Nostalgic Words and Names

Carinderia- a little restaurant, typically located in front of the house of the store owner. Damaris- my best friend in the Philippines since I was seven. We would always hang out together before, during and after classes. We were (and still are) inseparable. (In addition to my friends: Paula, Nick, Micah and Tobey/Ac [my old crush who also became a special friend]). HanBao- one phase of my life when people called be “Hamburger” because of a TV ad of a bun speaking with eye glasses on. At the same time, I was obsessed with a Taiwanese TV Show called Hana Kimi, where the actress’ nickname is Han Bao (Mandarin for “hamburger”). Lola- name I called my grandmother in my dad’s side of the family. Lolo- name I call my grandfather in my dad’s side of the family. Nanay- name I called my grandmother in my mom’s side of the family. Pandesal- Filipino bread bun. Usually eaten for breakfast, dunked in coffee like you do with churros and coffee... or milk and cookies. Pandesal Oven- oven heated with flaming stones and coals where pandesals are cooked. Sari-sari store- Filipino version of a convenience store. Although commercial convenience stores can be found around the country, these are usually located close to residential areas. Tojie- my signficant other/ best friend here in Canada. We met in high school and did not speak to each other for four months even though we were sitting beside each other every day. He is a very remarkable person in my life and brings back both happy and challenging memories.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Introduction

(Updated 2017 Version) Made by my fifteen-year-old self Wednesday, November 03, 2010 9:20 PM

My name is Kristia del Rosario Villanueva. Some people call me Newhouse (villa- house, nueva- new) in my first year of architecture school. I was born in the 90s, which makes me a die hard fan of those dreamy boybands kids these days do not recognize anymore. Tsk. Anyway, I was born in the Philippines and moved out in the year 2011 when my parents decided to migrate to Canada. When I was in Kindergarten and Grade School, my parents and I used to live in my Nanay’s house. There was a schedule we needed to follow: Typical weekday mornings: 1. Wake up and quickly prepare to go to my Lola’s house. 2. Go to my Lola’s, have a bath, eat breakfast and then go to school. Typical weekday afternoons: 1. Get picked up from school. 2. Go to my Lola’s place, work on my homeworks and stay there until dinner. Typical weeknights: 1. Go home to my Nanay’s place and sleep.

Both of my grandmothers’ houses are old. They look like they existed during the Japanese occupation in the 1940s, which they actually got to live through. They both hold great memories when I was younger, I will never forget that old-looking water pump filled with rust, but was fully functional even during those days. It sat beside our small bedroom close to our neighbour’s house (Philippine houses are overly close to each other). Further, in my Lola’s house was that giant and wide tropical tree that stood in front of the terrace. It would make the most soothing sound during our siestas during summer afternoons. I would always see my grandfather (Lolo) sleeping there on the light brown bed that was made out of bamboos tied together. He would sleep there on his back, after reading some newspapers. Moving on to the story... When I was born, my dad designed our own house. However, it did not get fully built until ten years after. When I reached the 3rd Grade (I was 9 years old back then), my parents and I finally moved into our own house in Colossian Subdivision in Rizal. Albeit being placed in the same town as my grandparents’, it was still far from where we used to live. I was very fond of being home. I finally had the freedom to be myself around the house and had so much room to run around. I used to always feel like I was living beside an ocean because of the strong breeze coming in and out of it, which felt relaxing and calm. In comparison to my grandparents’ houses, that area in the city was extremely quiet on typical days. 4

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

As a teenager, I was â&#x20AC;&#x153;that weird and quiet kid who sometimes entertains us because she can sing,â&#x20AC;? and I still am. I spent my afternoons writing on my journal, while talking on the phone with my best friend, Damaris, who knew everything that happened in my life. As much as I am proud that we were inseparable in our teenage years, we had to be separated by distance in 2011. We lived in the Colossian until I was sixteen, when (as I have mentioned) we decided to come to Canada. My life has never been the same ever since then.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

My Nostalgia Triggers 9... High School Building Caridenria 10... Damaris 12... Summer Kitchen Pandesal Oven 13... Read Between the Lines, Blog Entry 17... New Year Nostalgia 18... HanBao? 19... Spring and Summer 2012 20... Letter to 2015-Self 21... Confessions 23... The Forgotten Journal 25... Memory Lane 26... Another Trip to Memory Lane 27... How Do I Start this Year? 29... Lemon Grass and Sleep 30... Creating New Memories 31... Start of Studio Again

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

High School Building Carinderia Tuesday, March 23, 2010 9:53 PM

Last Monday, I walked Damaris up to the street before the elementary building because I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be alone there because I was scared of my crush. Haha. Pretty crazy. When I walked her, I did not return to the high school building yet. I just went to the elementary building and waited for someone who I could be with just like Lean or my other servicemates. When I got bored, thinking that I did not have someone to be with me in the elementary building, I went back, biting the bullet that he might be there. I was so scared. When I returned, there he was. Sitting in front of the carinderia in front of the high school building with his friends. They were all watching the tricycles come by. I was so happy when I saw that he was not looking my way. However, it did not make things any better. One of his friends called me and asked where I was going. I saw Shaira, his sister and sat beside her. The main point of this story is: I was too scared to speak with my crush but ended up feeling relief when I saw his sister. It does not make sense even until now (2017) because I was not really friends with his sister, either.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Damaris

Monday, February 27, 2017 6:50 PM

You know those times when you were a kid and you had that one solid best friend whom you trusted so much? I had one, too. Her name is Damaris Jornales. We were both probably considered the oddest friends througout high school. She reminds me of so much events that happened in my life because most of those events happened when she was there. I met her during Kindergarten when we both had broken baby teeth, and chubby cheeks. We ran around the empty classroom, waiting for both of our parents to pick us up after class. She started becoming my best friend when we were in grade school. My high school in the Philippines was not necessarily eventful, or unique. It was nothing unusual. However, Damaris made it interesting. One big part of my life that I will never forget are the conversations we had over the phone. I would get home from school, and from hanging out with her all day, and immediately pick up the home phone and start dialing her home number. We would talk for about two to four hours straight just because our conversations in school were never enough for the day.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Another event I can clearly remembered were the times when she and I would have lunch together. She LOVED my momâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cooking so I always brought two servings in one container for us to share. We would go to the school ground, where the air felt fresh and cool. Our other friends would join us both, tease each other about my old crush and create awkward remarks around him. After that, we had some time to spare until class starts again. Our classmates would choose to either go back to our classroom, or play basketball. Damaris and I were never much one for the crowds. We would choose to watch people around us and mock them by creating imaginary dialogues between people. We would use the weirdest voices, and then laugh our heads off until it becomes awkward for other people to hear. When that fails to happen, I would do singer impressions, like Miley Cyrus and make her laugh so hard she would snort. Our friendship continues on even until today, when nothing much changed; except I still have my chubby cheeks, and that we live in opposite parts of the globe. Just a few moments ago, she and I decided to visit the sari-sari store in front of our old grade school building, and that we would roam around Manila for fun when I come back.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Summer Kitchen Pandesal Oven Sunday, April 18, 2010 11:45 PM

Hey! Long time no updates, eh? Well, I guess I shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go online when I plan to go to this journal because I get distracted and end up forgetting to write. Man, this vacation was insane. I cannot do anything exciting but to go online on facebook, blog and write on my journal and also watch Honey and Clover. But actually, on Friday, it ended. Right now, the remote control went up north and froze. So, right now, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t watch Studio 23 for Taiwanese and Korean novels and/or any Asian dramas. These days, I have been living in the kitchen. I cook for Mom and Dad and wash the dishes. Every morning, I sweep the floor upstairs. Whenever I go there, it feels like I am inside a pandesal oven, waiting to be toasted. As you may have already known, we are currently processing our Canadian immigration. I would like to keep it as a secret right now. However, Abby accidentally publicly posted her supposed-to-be-message for me on Facebook. I freaked out and deleted it right away. Well, as usual, I feel lonely. I am not really allowed to go out because of my asthma and when Damaris would talk on the phone, Mom and Dad would tell us to hurry up and hang up soon. It has been stressful for all of us lately. Well, good thing that this day, my parents received an e-mail from my grandaunt, responding to what they told her about the immigration. They felt so tense and tired for so many hours. I could hardly talk to them. Lunch time, free time, family time, bed time, they have been talking about it.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Read Between the Lines Friday, February 4, 2011

Looking back life’s great circumstances do not just remind us about the good things that happened in the past. It could also open up wounds that have long been healed. Nostalgia makes it easy to remember them all too well as if they all happened yesterday. The next entry is a blog entry I wrote for an English when I was fifteen, called Read Between the Lines. My us to write an autobiography that emphasizes the most eventful things in life and what life meant for us at

writing class teacher asked important and a young age.

Let’s begin.

What is life?

For me, life is not about the expensive things that we have or about how successful we have become or about how many people liked us because of our glamour and taste in fashion. Do you want to know what life really is about? If you’re reading this because you’re having emptiness in your life, I hope this can help. But if you’re reading this because you’re searching for dramatic scenes or something like a bittersweet love story just like in the movies, I am telling you now that it won’t satisfy your need, because this is a story about finding the purpose of life and the barriers that a youth faces along the way. I am Kristia Alyza Villanueva, simple as that. I lived in Taytay, Rizal all my life. I am the only daughter of Gina and Ariel, and I got used of being alone inside the house whenever they leave. People usually ask me how it feels to be alone and lonely inside the house. I would always answer “I am not alone”, “I am happy inside the house” or “My Mom and Dad makes me happy.” I am not the usual teenager you see outside, who always goes out of the house and party everywhere. I am just a simple girl who gets contented easily. But before you think that I am a boring person who never laughs, who never jokes and is always serious, I am going to start the story of my life and how I got the real tool for measuring happiness.

I love my childhood days. I can say that I had a fun childhood. Whenever Mom and Dad leave the house, they used to leave me inside my grandfather’s house and let my aunties take care of me. But in my childhood, there was one person that I remember most. She was Abigail, my cousin. We were always together in doing things. Every Sunday, we would always have a hard time saying goodbye to each other whenever she needs to go home already and I had to stay inside my grandmother’s house because that was the place where we lived in, temporarily back then. Most of the time, we would have childish fights but we would soon be okay. Mom said that the reason why we became close to each other was because back when we were babies, I used to bite her arm and she would start to cry. 11

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

She said that she already got my venom and I already got her blood. Well, I can say that that was a nice conclusion. Back in the year 2005, my Dad finally finished our house, which he designed. We were finally able to move into a new house wherein we could be moving freely without feeling awkward around other family members. I could never imagine that after ten years of waiting for our own house, we were finally moving out of our relatives’ house. I have to admit that I never made friends in the place where we moved into because I wasn’t friendly with the people in that subdivision. Years passed and I already got used of not having friends inside the new place. Life went on and barely changed. I still got to be with Abigail. She became my classmate when we were in first year high school. But even though we were close to each other, we still had our own lives inside the school. She had other friends, I had mine. Unfortunately, my friends and hers were kind of opposite to each other. Her friends were girly and sassy while my friends are the ones whom you could almost see halos on their heads. They were the good ones, the ones who have a below-average sense of style and the talkative ones. Though those things might be the factors why we became a little bit of “apart” from each other. But even though we became far apart from each other in school, we tried to get some bonding times and spent times doing silly things, just like before. But those bonding times came to an end when only a day was left and she would be going to Canada. We tried to be together by finding the most possible ways. Before we knew it, we were riding on a van heading to the airport, about to be separated from each other for a long period of time. When we got to the airport, we had lunch together and said our last well-loved jokes to each other and to Nanay, my grandmother. Nanay was having a smile on her face at that time, maybe touched with the situation and feeling sad because of us getting to be separated. When we finished our lunch, we finally said our “goodbyes” and hugged each other for about three times, holding each other really tight, unable to believe the situation and what would happen next. We finally went back home from the airport and everything seemed just like a dream when I was lying on a sofa. RJ, my cousin, was singing tunes and lyrics about Abigail leaving. I was laughing when I heard the lyrics because it was so shallow. It went like this: “Iniwan ka na ng pinsan mo… sumakay na ng eroplano…” (English: “Your cousin just left you... Had already got on the plane”) I didn’t feel any sadness in me anymore and learned to accept things for a short period of time because I was still able to talk to her online. Little did I know that there was another storm coming. My grandmother had cancer when Abigail and I were still young, but the cancer came back months after Abigail and her family went to Canada. When she was still lying on 12

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long wooden chairs put together so that she could have a large space to lie onto, feeling sick about her disease, we came together and joined her inside the wooden chairs and held each other’s hands. I was holding hers really tight and I was praying really hard. I never wanted to experience such sadness just like when my Dad’s mom died. While Mom was praying, my eyes were open and I could see Nanay really feeling scared. Finally, Mom and her siblings decided to send Nanay to a hospital. We regularly went to the hospital and when I went there, after school, I was so scared. But when I checked on her in the ICU, she was still fine. She even gave me some soft cakes for me to eat. I was refusing to receive the food because it was for her but she still insisted that she wanted to give the soft cake to me. I received it, said “thanks” and ate it afterwards. I thought she was fine and she was about to be okay soon but the next day, she got into a comatose. I was crying and when I got inside the hospital, I saw our church pastor was there and I thought, “Is Nanay already dead? Tell me she’s not dead!” and I was really freaking out inside. When I saw her still breathing, a little hope came to me, especially when I read at that morning that there’s nothing impossible with God and that everything will be okay if you trust in Him. I kept on writing a prayer inside my journal while I was sitting on the hospital bench, outside the ICU Room. After a few days, we found out that it’s kind of impossible for Nanay to wake up again. Her Cancer was (as far as I remember) at Stage 3 already. I was crying as I saw her lying on the hospital bed, smelling the choking scent of ammonia. While Dad and I were riding the bus, going home, he told me that Nanay might not be able to wake up again. I soon, choked to tears. I cried myself out at that night until we got home. Soon, I learned to accept things that when Mom sent us a text message about Nanay already dead, I didn’t cry. But it was hard for Abigail and her family. I was chatting with her a few weeks ago when she cried her eyes out. She said that it was hard for them to see only her coffin online. She said “I wasn’t even able to see her face or even see her lying on the hospital bed when Nanay was sick.” It came to be hard for me when we were about to bring Nanay into the cemetery. While walking, people would joke and talk to each other about things but little did they know that I was crying while walking on the way to the cemetery, covering my eyes by wearing sunglasses. A few months passed and I finally accepted things, but whenever Mom, Dad and I accidentally get into this topic the atmosphere would always go sad. Soon, we already went right back up and continued with life and have a positive thinking that at least, Nanay is already resting, didn’t even suffered too much with her sickness and even had a very great ministry when she was still alive. Well, I could say that this is a pretty long autobiography. But even though I bored you with this long story that I have, I just want to give this message to you. Troubles and problems may come, storms may rage and rains may

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

last long and cause a flood. But soon, we should always remember that there is no rain that doesn’t end and there isn’t a problem that doesn’t have a solution. Storms may rage and leave pieces of broken memories but soon, we’ll realize that there is a strength that we weren’t able to use, realizations that we failed to realize and solutions that we forgot to find. We just need to call unto God and keep our faith in Him. With that faith, we will be able to fix our broken dreams, repair our shattered hope and cure our wounded hearts. We just need to read between the lines.

May God bless all of you.

Photo taken after our school project acting practice, year 2010.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

New Year Nostalgia Saturday, January 2, 2016 2:11 AM

Hey. I can’t sleep. I am tired, but I can’t sleep. I am wide awake. I am feeling nostalgic in a good way. I was just listening to some music, and then the next thing I know, I am feeling the things I felt back in 2012 --when Tojie would stay up with me, sleep before 3 AM. I would stay up until 3 AM, writing on my journal, very patiently going over every single thing that happened all throughout the week, day or the past hours. Looking back, I had so much time in my hands. Suddenly, with me getting back the same amount of time I had back in 2012 in two weeks made me feel like doing the same thing. I am here, right now… writing my feelings. I feel free to write whatever I want here because I know that I am the only one who would be actually patient and interested enough to look back to these pages and see how much I have changed and how much things have changed for the past decade. I think I started writing on this journal 10 years ago. Now, I am here, still writing. I know, I know. I haven’t been the most committed one lately because of architecture, but I am here now. I’ll say I’ll take the time to write down whatever I want. Let myself ramble. Whatever. Looking back 10 years ago, I was a snotty, chubby, bug-faced teenage girl who has a crush on the most mysterious boy I have ever known. Now, I am 20 years old, living in Canada, studying architecture. Now, I know that there are still lots of things bound to happen before I even become an architect. It’s scary to think about it, but it’s exciting at the same time. To be honest, I miss the last couple of teenage years I had here in Canada. I had plenty of time, so much free hours for creativity, which were however spent on thinking about my teenage conundrums. Not that I am complaining. I never regret anything before. It’s just that I wish I did more than I did. I know I cannot turn back the time. I cannot bring back 2012. I cannot bring back the feeling I had when I first moved in an apartment with my parents and actually had my own room with the view of the moon. Those summer nights when I had time to listen to old songs while waiting to see if I would see a star in this well-lit city. Last night, I was at the Macatbag’s to celebrate the new year. I suddenly came across the washroom upstairs and saw the bath tub where I sat down one night until 4 AM, receiving the first shocking and intriguing confession of feelings I had as a teenager. However much I said great things about 2012, my main point is that I may never return back to the time when I first met Tojie and my high school friends, but there’s more to this life than 2012. I really thank God for bringing me that year. Best summer ever.

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HanBao?

Sunday, March 6, 2016 3:13 PM

Last night, I was waiting for Tojie to call me. I would call him, usually. However, this time, his phone is broken so I need him to call me through their landline. I was staying up late because they were in a family gathering and he was apparently really bored. However, he had to wait until the party was ultimately boring so he could go home and rest. On the other hand, I got bored as well while waiting. Therefore, I decided to watch Hana Kimi out of the blue. While watching, I felt embarrassed, at the same time ashamed to admit that I still had the same feeling I had before when I was still a fan girl. I just could not bring myself to react the same way I did before because I was tired and embarrassed but it was actually fun to see that I am still the same as ever. I am saying this because sometimes, I feel quite scared for myself because I know I had changed a lot and I know people from the Philippines do not see me the same way they did before… or do they? Anyway, I have a story. --those who had ignored (Damaris, Paula, Micah, wrote for Tojie earlier

Often, I would dream of people from the Philippines me before, but also including my old friends and Nick). Here’s a quote from my dream story I in the morning.

I dreamt of seeing my classmate sa Philippines for the first time again. She sat down beside me and I think I ignored her because I was studying. Then, she ignored me because apparently, I was “matatay” (I have no idea what that means). Then I fell asleep and woke up with Lissi’s retainer in my mouth for some reason. I cleaned it and when i was about to give it back to her, I handed her an old one full of lint, which was apparently mine LOL. It was so gross haha. Then, I saw the Aurora Borealis then shout it to my friends for them to see. They all gathered with me. Turns out it was just a lighting effect done for an advertisement somewhre in the horizon. Then Lissi said, “DON’T SHOUT IT AT HIS PIMPLE!!” then, i was like, “I AM NOT SHOUTING IT AT HIS PIMPLE, WHAT THE HECK!! THIS is shouting at his pimple!” I bowed my head a bit to shout at Nick’s right chest. Then Nick started laughing so hard at Lissi. Then i woke up. I cannot believe that I actually dreamed that dream.

The thing is… ever since I moved here, I often have dreams about mixed environments --the Philippines and Canada combined. Literally. There was this one time, I had a dream of wearing a thick -40-like winter jacket in the middle of a Winnipeg Transit bus stop in the Philippines, waiting for a jeepney to come by. When I got on it, it looked like the inside of a Winnipeg bus, but it was as hot and as crowded as it would have been in the Philippines. As far as I can remember, I was heading to the U.S. border to see my old friend who now lives in Texas. Anyway, I am quite feeling the spring weather! It was so nice outside today. I was with my mom and walking was warm even though everything is wet. The snow is melting and everything feels good, because… goodbye, winter! See yah in 8 months again haha.

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Unspoken Feelings Thursday, May 1, 2014 11:12 PM

Hello! Good late evening to you, my journal. I am currently searching through the internet for interesting jobs that I could do this spring/summer break in my first year as a university student. I am actually going out there and try to find something that could interest me, and PROBABLY change my mind about my career options. Well, as of now, I am truly sceptical about my life decisions and my talent. I just know that I am pretty talented in singing, and a little bit in writing and drawing. I can do pretty well in the art area. However, it’s probably just my gut telling me that I am scared to go out and break out of my shell and just take the risk. There’s nothing to lose in trying to find something that could or would or already interests me. I mean, if anything, there’s something to gain. Anyway, enough of this topic. My head is going to explode already. Let me talk about the usual stuff. I can’t believe it has been two years since AWESUMMER. I mean, I could still remember everything--even the smell of Abby’s basement. The couch that I slept on during the SPRING OF 2012. The morning smell of the washroom that would start my day after reading Tojie’s messages that says, “Good morning, Alyza”, or the word, “Hey” that would greet me in the afternoon. The mornings that I would look inside the Pre-cal room to see if Tojie is wearing the same colour of shirt as mine. Those awkward moments of sitting beside Tojie, thinking, “Why are we always so awkward around each other?” That particular night when Tojie chose to stay up with me and the following nights that he decided to spend nights chatting with me until 2 in the morning. Since I was a pretty silent singer, I composed a lot of songs, sitting by the window, watching the street lights flicker late at night. Then, when 2 AM comes, I would stay up for another hour, writing on my journal about the things I thought about throughout the day. I realized that what I have right now isn’t an illusion, but a fact. A form of reality. A reality in a form of an illusion, perhaps.

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Letter to 2015-Self (A little dorky, but it’s fun to write this kind of thing, LOL. It feels like time traveling) (Recap of 2015-2016 School year) Wednesday, May 4, 2016 11:56 PM

Dear You, I know life is hard right now. However, trust me. Although you have a difficult retail job right now and that you are dealing with difficult people, you will be okay. The architecture faculty has something for you soon. Once you enter it, you will finally do what you have been longing to do and be a part of. As for now, I am sitting down inside my room in 1320 Manitoba Avenue, yes still in here; but guess what? You’re moving out soon. Mom and Dad found a house. Let’s just pray that it’s a good place to live in. Like, friendly-good, and not creepy. Let’s go back to the fact that I am sitting here, having time to write to you. Let me tell you: this is a rare moment for the whole 8 months ever since you started ED2. You love architecture now, by the way. You have designed 8 projects for the whole school year. I am writing to you to express my pride to you. After your accident, your scar is still there, but remember when you were worrying about people thinking you tried to kill yourself when you only had a mistake of opening your make up bottle with a newly replaced set of blades? Nah. You actually gained more friends from your studio. When they saw the scar, they did not judge because they just squirmed out of fascination, LOL. You gained around 50+ more friends. You barely talk to Nessa and Chezca now, because you’re choosing to stay away for a bit, but you miss them. You miss your high school friends, but you still have that feeling of just letting yourself be more independent in terms of being alone and just surrounding yourself with your family and Tojie. Don’t worry, Tojie is still Tojie. Today, he helped you finish printing your portfolio, which I am going to tell you… was really stressful, but not as stressful as the past few projects you have had. You are going to have Jeff Garcia as your studio instructor. Here’s the deal: as fickleminded more than how you can imagine a professor would be, but it will all pay off because of all the challenges he gave you. He taught you to be more meticulous and thoughtful in your design concepts while telling you to restart your work from the actual scratch, until you only get about 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Don’t worry. You did not have an all-nighter (literally). Minimum of hours in your sleep for the whole year was an hour, maximum was about 7 hours (if you’re lucky). The average sleep you will get is about 3-5 hours. You think it’s bad now, but those 5 hours helped you get by. Anyway, it’s getting late and well, I only had 3 hours of sleep last night finishing my portfolio, so… Goodnight! I hope we get into the Architecture Stream!! :D

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Confessions

Sunday, March 6, 2016 3:13 PM

I’m 21. What. Legally, I am an adult. I’ve been an adult for 3 years for goodness sakes, but I don’t feel like one. Is that normal? I bet it is. Anyway, yesterday was quite a gong show in the morning because of some circumstances, but after the chaos was good. Tojie took me to Exchange District, my favourite place in the city, because of the architecture and the sophisticated, yet friendly Canadian culture. We ate at Peasant Cookery. It was really nice. It had a nice and welcoming atmosphere. It is located in front of The Cube, which turns into a stage during the Winnipeg Music Festival every year. Top it off with the nice Winnipeg summer weather. You know what? Right now, I cannot believe that I am here in Winnipeg and that I did not grow up here. I don’t know, I just feel like I’ve been here for such a long time that I have a hard time realizing that I was born and raised in the Philippines. I never forget I am Filipino, though. I just felt like it was an extremely long journey of acceptance from the Philippines to here. Looking back, I believe I felt sad because I couldn’t say goodbye to my friends. Funny how things change, eh? Look at this post from around 5 years ago.

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My life back then was pretty different. I don’t want to be accused of living in the past but hey, it was a great change that I don’t want to forget. No matter how much things change, I will always remember how much of a dork I was before, and well… how much of a different kind of dork I am right now, haha. We will never know what kind of life I would have had if I stayed in the Philippines, but I am telling you, I think I wouldn’t have liked it. Moving here was great for me because I would have grown old, without having to meet Tojie and my other friends. I would have lived a life without having to experience being in architecture school and being able to meet more people. On the other hand, if I were still living there, I would have had my Bachelors in Architecture now. As well, I would have to be taking allnighters and risking my life, traveling from Manila to home. I wouldn’t want to go back and live there permanently. There’s nothing much left of me in the Philippines anyway. It doesn’t matter that none of my former classmates in the Philippines think of me as anything at all, as long as my best friend and my relatives are still there, thinking of me as someone who changed for the better --from being a dork to another type of dork. Jokes aside, I am proud of HanBao. I can never reiterate how much I love HanBao and how much I am proud of her. Here’s to me and the HanBao left in me.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

The Forgotten Journal Saturday, June 25, 2016 6:21 PM

I have been busy sorting out my stuff and I got stressed out because of the tons of things that I still needed to pack. Good thing I finished sorting out clothes yesterday and I had already put away the big luggage bag from my bed. Two days ago, I had been sleeping beside it, and basically only had 12 inches of room to sleep on. I couldn’t toss and turn, or stretch my legs and feet, and arms to the middle of the bed. I mean, even though my parents got me a new twin bed, the twin bed is still bigger than the 12” wide space I’ve been sleeping on the other night. Hmm. So, this morning, my mom brought out a shoe box from the closet in the hallway. I didn’t know that it would contain the journal I’ve been looking for, which contained almost all of my weird letters to “Tobey”, a.k.a. Ac. I cringed all the way through reading it this afternoon, and if I’m still feeling it, I would read the whole thing until I could not take it any longer. It was funny and embarrassing to the point that it was already sad, when you think of it. 6:40 PM

I am back. So, as I was saying, that journal is so annoying. I also had a photo of Tobey inside it and I honestly do not know what to do with it. I was going to burn it, but I did not want to risk fire. I wanted to cut it up and throw it away, but I do not want anyone to see that I threw a photo away. It would risk someone seeing the photo. So, for now, it’s safe inside the back of a journal, inserted under a piece of paper (a letter that Micah gave me 10 years ago). Sunday, June 26, 2016 1:03 AM

I’m back again. I still cannot get over the nostalgia I have experienced today. What added up to this was Micah and Damaris. They both replied to my messages earlier. Reading my journal earlier felt so nostalgic and embarrassing, but I loved seeing how much I’ve grown. Today, I learned that I wrote To Love Somebody when I was 14 years old; and that we were 12-13 years old when Micah had a crush on the 30-year-old janitor in our school in Grade 6. Keeping a journal does bring lessons –I was able to learn some things when I was packing up my stuff. I don’t know if I mentioned that I was rummaging through my stuff from before, and I came across my old, treasured and preserved journals –starting from around 12 years ago, to 2012. I only read the one from 2011-2012. That’s the journal from when we migrated here. It was a memorable moment that I never want to forget, because of all the lessons it has brought me. Therefore, having a journal by that time was pretty nice. I was able to see what and who I was before. Sure, it made me cringe, but it was good to know that I used to be one kind of person. I saw how and when I decided to change from a fan girl into who I am right now, with really small and forgiving baby steps.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

This reminds me that I have to put this file into PDF to preserve it, too. Ever since I started THIS journal (not the OneNote one form 10 years ago), I cannot stop but be more comfortable having a digital one because of its ability to provide a password. Also, it does not add to all the clutter inside my place, in boxes that I never actually open until we move again to another place. Anyway, speaking of my old journal. I have finally disposed Acâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s photo behind my journal and finally remembered why I have it in the first place. I think I remember him borrowing my camera to take a photo of him and Riyo, and also borrowing my earphones. It was during a field trip. I believe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s when we went to Zoobic (in Zubic, PH). We saw lions upfront, feeding them feather-plucked chickens. Anyway, I did it. I got rid of the photo because it was too creepy, and weird of me to keep it. Well, in the first place, I have no reason to keep it. Seeing it just makes me cringe. Tojie said that it seemed like a scornful move, but my only intension was to get rid of the creepy photo behind my journal, haha. The contents of the journal themselves are embarrassing enough for me. How much more would the photo give me? LOL.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Memory Lane

Friday, November 18, 2016 8:15 PM

You probably already know that lately, I have been having dreams about going back to the Philippines, having nostalgia episodes and having a lot of trips to memory lane. Those things mostly happen every night and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s getting weird. The other night, I actually thought that I was in the Philippines, visiting people I know. My trip to Mexico had embedded this wanderlust for the Philippines. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easy to understand because Mexico seemed to give everyone a quick-preview of the Philippines. Especially me. It affected the way I saw my environment. I had became aware of the definition of inconvenience of living. I mean, when I came to Canada, I never saw the Philippines as what it is (or was) when I was still there. Philippines turned into something I romanticise. The memories that I recall are now more romantic than how I remembered them before, and most definitely more romantic than when I experienced it before. HanBao has turned into this blob of cloud over my head. She used to just be a character I made up; but now I feel like she was once part of me that I do not want to become, but I like her presence in the past.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Another Trip to Memory Lane Sunday, December 18, 2016 2:30 AM

“I… I wish it was 2004. I wish my favourite band was still on tour.” -2004. That was a song. ALL RIGHT. Let’s get started. I guess the reason I’ve been doing this is not because I think that my life is unpleasant (just like what the internet said [that apparently, whe you’re having nostalgia, you think that your life is unpleasant), but maybe it’s because I either want to get rid of my anxiety, or that I just miss the Philippines and the life I had back then, even though in reality, I really like myself better than I did when I was a teenager in the Philippines. My early teenage years was soooo much full of insecurity and awkwardness. I just like reading about it right now because of the pleasant memories it brings to me. It’s just like reading a book, or watching an intriguing movie, even though you already know what will happen next. HAHA. Or! Here. This one is a better description. You know when you want to rewatch a movie because you’ve already forgotten about some of the scenes, and you do not remember how everything happened in chronological order? Yea. Whenever I read my journal, I do not really know what would happen next in the scene. It’s more like, “Oh, and then what happened?” kind of reaction. Earlier, I got surprised by the fact that Damaris (who is now a teacher) and I (not an architect yet, LOL) have known each other for about 16 years already. I have been listening to old songs already when I realized that, but it made me dig more into memory lane and found entries from my old journal file from around 6 years ago (2010). In there, I had a prayer that asked for me to still be able to read that old journal when I am already in Canada. It’s just like a shout out to me from the past, HAHA. I was almost like, “Oh, hey, HanBao! It’s me the Canadian Kristia!” haha. Weird, but true.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

How Do I Start This Year? Monday, January 2, 2017 6:23 PM

So, 2016 was crazy.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

I survived ED2 I had a good but boring summer. I applied for the Architecture Stream for ED3. I got accepted. My parents bought a house and moved in. Started ED3. I’m still in there. Trying to survive the year.

6. I WENT TO MEXICO! Stayed there for 8 days. 7. Went to the top of The Pyramid of the Sun, which was around 200 feet high. 8. Walked A LOT in Mexico. More than 10,000 steps per day. 9. I was able to see how beautiful Montreal and Vancouver are. Like, romantically beautiful. 10. Traveled alone, without any guidance of my parents. I traveled through four different airports and was able to make it to my flights early. 11. I did not get sick in Mexico. Almost, but didn’t. 12. My dad got accepted as an architecture professional in a small firm, lost it after 2 months of working, but it was a very happy moment in my family’s life. One of the happiest. A lot of things happened. There’s no doubt about that. What I liked about 2016 was that it was filled with blessings. I know that my dad is experiencing a difficult thing right now because of losing his job right before New Year’s Eve, but I need to believe and hold onto God’s promise of having plans for us. I know that it’s real and that it will never fail to show eventually. Nostalgia Surges I will not change anything about this. You know what? I just think that this is actually one of the few things that keep me up at night, but at the same time calms me down, gives me motivation and inspiration to take that big step right in front of me that has been bugging me for a while. For some reason, whenever I look in the past, I tend to move forward. Comparing myself to how I was before seems to make me feel better about what I have right now, but at the same time, gives me that longing to go back to the past where there was only “ambiguity” and “unrequited feelings” on every page of my journal. You know when there’s this tension between two lovers before they become lovers and they call that stage “the chase”? It comes before the honeymoon stage. I guess that’s where “the chase” in my life was. Wherein I was still figuring out how it was to be an adult, or become independent. It was the time when I was still wondering how it is to have my feelings known, and given back with the same. Oh, those times

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

make me feel so warm inside. One of the reasons I don’t really want to talk about it too much anymore is because not many people understands this. For some reason, it becomes a defense mechanism for me. Whenever I am in an uncomfortable pit called “life”, I move back to see it in a really close perspective; but then I’ll look away from it for a little time, and then start to face my life again right after. “One glance to the past, two steps toward the future.”

That will probably be one of the justifications I will make whenever someone tells me to not look back, because apparently it holds you down. I have been waiting for that “high” from nostalgia wherein I would feel oh, so relaxed and happy by looking back in memories. I have been waiting for a trigger. Tonight, I found it when I searched up “The Simple Author” online and found one of my Tumblr accounts. I wrote some things there that made me feel all tingly and warm again. Then, I started listening to Taylor Swift, listened to Last Kiss and Enchanted, and here I am, writing down my feelings about it. P.S. Dear, Future Me: Here’s a quick recipe for that nostalgia you always look for. - 1 memorable song from the past (around 2009 or something) - A few pages from an old blog, an old OneNote journal entry, or those old notebooks from when you were in high school - 1 cup of warm chamomile tea (with mint tea [optional]) Instructions: 1. Brew some tea before you sit on your bed. 2. Take out your laptop, or any gadget you can play music from. 3. Listen to that one song from the past. If it does not make you feel a bit warm, drowsy, or happy, try another song until it does. 4. Read some pages while listening to that song, then continue looking for some other songs that you can associate to those things. 5. Enjoy.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Lemon Grass and Sleep Tuesday, January 3, 2017 11:14 PM

So… about today. I woke up at around 7 to prepare for dad's visit to the office to get his things back home. However, when I got up, Dad told me that we would be going there later in the day. So, I was happy. I got back to bed to sleep more, I slept super late last night, taking in all of the nostalgia that's left in my system. We went home after picking up his things in the afternoon. We rode 36, and immediately got our transfer to 19 to home. We went through the back lane because my dad thought it was going to be easier. NOT. LOL. Also, the bus stop by our area has not been plowed yet. It's really high. It was up to my knees when I walked through it. Oh, winter. You bring so much joy. We picked up my mom right after that. We had dinner. I stalled in the living room with them, refusing to do the dishes right away because I felt too cold to function. Until I Finally finished the dishes at around 8:30, I think. Tomorrow is the first day back to school. It makes me feel sad because I did not feel the same bliss that I felt last Holiday season. I mean, last year, my dad did not have his architecture job either, but it certainly felt nice being with them for almost a month, after surviving the first half of ED2. It's not that I'm complaining, but 2016 Holidays felt so much blissful and relaxing than last year's. My old friend said it’s called “adulting”.

This photo was taken by the window of the hallway where I waited for my dad to finish saying goodbye to his coworkers. Journal prompt of the day. What is one guilty pleasure I enjoy too much to give up? Being nostalgic. Triggering nostalgia on purpose. Everyone could say how bad it is to always look back at the past and be sad about not being able to go back in time, but really. I love it. It makes me feel alive.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Creating New Memories Tuesday, January 31, 2017 10:57 PM

I am a nostalgic person, if I have not said that enough in my entries yet. Turns out, I learned that nostalgia is become more of a hip thing these days. I do not know why. Is it because as people living in the present time, we are not happy with what has become of the world? Or maybe we just miss our childhood so much, we refuse to let go of being a child. We do not want to grow up. That’s what I have known all my life, too. When I was younger, I would always-always wish that I would be able to just wake up one day as a kid, with no pressure in life, no other feelings other than happiness and assurance. To be carefree in the 90s. That’s the dream. However, waking up from that wishful dreaming, I like being in my early 20s and I have learned that the reason I keep on looking back to the past was because I did not take risks. There are still unanswered questions in my past that I would like to close. Whether they be shallow or important, those are still questions that were left unanswered when I left the Philippines. Therefore, being here in Canada makes me feel so free from some of the bad past that I had in my home country, but at the same time… I feel constrained from answering some of the questions that I had before. Those questions are not really manifestations of my living in the past. Rather, questions that are holding me back from feeling free. When I came to Canada, I became a totally different person. I became another different person by meeting certain people. They became my stepping stone to being who I would be after high school. I honestly think that the old-Kristia is still somewhere in me. I feel as though I have a string attached to her, where in some instances, she manipulates me into thinking that I never changed at all. However, some instances in my life makes me realize, “I am not the same as I was before because I would never have done something like this in the past.” I don’t know. Maybe it is just me, growing up, being an adult but I just feel as though no matter what I do, there will always be this frustration of not being able to keep in touch with my past. So, I just wallow in nostalgia, making me feel so wrapped up in old memories. I am just scared that by looking back too long, I won’t be able to create new memories that will be so nice to look back at and think, “That was a good memory that I created and will forever feel happy whenever I think about it.”

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Start of Studio Again Monday, January 30, 2017 4:34 PM

Hi. Many things have happened and I have already broken my goal to write on this everyday. I guess I cannot really commit to something like that while architecture school is happening LOL.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017 12:23 AM

So yea, I got busy again earlier. I went home at around 6, had some healthy dinner, and then just watched TV with my parents. Yea, I wasted my time tonight, LOL. But that’s okay because I finished some work earlier in studio. I’ll bring more work on the table tomorrow. Anyway… running away from all of these crazy things happening lately, I have been looking back again in the past, enjoying good music and thinking of scenarios in my head about how life used to be in high school. Here’s the thing: I want to relive the past, but at the same time, I do not want to go back in there permanently. I want to be able to still come back to the present from time to time. Actually, it should be the other way around. I should be just going back to the past from time to time. It just amazes me how it happens whenever I am stressed out. My mind just quickly shifts to thinking about the past to make myself feel better. It’s weird, but it’s so useful.

A bit of a snowy morning earlier.. Late buses. Nothing unusual.

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

“Looking back at life’s great circumstances do not just remind us about the happiest things that happened in the past. It could also open up wounds that have long been healed. Nostalgia makes it easy to remember them all too well as if they all merely happened yesterday.”

“We will realize that there is a strength that we weren’t able to use, realizations that we failed to realize and solutions that we forgot to find.”

K.A. Villanueva

ALL THAT I REMEMBER

Monday, February 27, 2017 8:17 PM