The Fridge
Voices of Ms. Keener’s English 9/10
THE FRIDGE The kitchen is a dangerous place. Tales of Humor and Horror from Ms. Keener’s English Class
What’s in your fridge is a reflection of who you are. Page 3 Within the small sample size of a class of maybe 20 students almost everyone had some humorous anecdote about fridges. So what is it about fridges? Page 4 My kitchen is an all out food battleground, but I am never usually victorious, though I put up a fair fight. Page 5 And then the ice maker tries to take any attention from your parents away from you by working overtime and outshining your ice making abilities, which are limited. Page 5
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How it all began… In 1923, Frigedaire introduced its first model of the refrigerator designed for home use, but it wasn’t until the 1940s that the fridge became a staple of our modern domestic life. In September 2015, on the very first day of school, our class began writing every day at the beginning of class. Each day I provide a series of sentence starters on different topics and ten minutes. It wasn’t until the end of September that most students regularly began writing a page or more. Some prompts find more success
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than others, but almost no prompt was as successful as the one that sparked this collection:
The most dangerous place in the house is… Immediately, stories of the refrigerator began pouring out of the class. It seemed that almost every student had a story of something growing in this cool, dark box or of some ice war. Thus, this collection was born.
I put my hands out trying to block the ice from hitting my face… Page 6 During the time period of our melting fridge we had to store everything that was “worth keeping” in our basement refrigerator… Page 7
In my own life, I became aware of how often I open my fridge. I definitely visit it more than any cabinet or drawer in my home. When the power goes out, I almost immediately think… what might spoil in the fridge? When I visit friends houses, I find myself compelled to check their fridge. I do whether I am hungry or not. Perhaps, checking the fridge is the closest most of us come to an assurance that we will survive, that the food supply remains. As squirrels remember where they hide their acorns, we are now attached in some primal way to the fridge. Welcome to this collection. We hope you enjoy it as much as we have. Ms. Keener
“Can we call an exterminator?” “Why?” my dad responded, confused.“See for yourself,” I said as I pointed to the fridge. Page 8 Almost every week in the kitchen someone ends up bleeding burnt or bruised. Page 8 It wasn’t even an ice cube, or water that I slipped on. I straight up just head butted my fridge. Page 8
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A Loquacious, Heterogeneous, I’m just Seeing Where my Thoughts Will Take me, Gabber about Refrigerators and Reality Television by Julia Birnbach
Whose refrigerator looks like this? Seriously. Where are the milk, eggs, and butter-staples of any given refrigerator? Where are the tupperware containers of leftovers? Where are the marks of personality and signs of usage? Whose refrigerator looks like this? Kris Jenner. The matriarch of the Kardashian/Jenner clan recently posted this photo of her fridge on instagram, and after the organizational freak in my head was finished ogling, I was able to come to one coherent thought: this is not maintainable. What happens when Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie all come and visit and ask for Orangina? Just like that there are only a few Originals left, and the perfection of the refrigerator is decimated. What’s in your fridge is a reflection of who you are. It shows your Freudian id, your income, and your lifestyle. Let me explain. You know when you come home after a long day and look into your fridge for something to give you comfort? You don’t usually come with too much agenda, and you are letting your eyes and instinct choose the food Inspired by Writing Prompts
which you crave. This is purely your id at work. Someone who keeps chocolate chip muffins in their fridge is a different type of person than one who stocks bran muffins. And it also shows your price range. Kris Jenner has both glass bottles and cans of coke in her fridge. On Amazon, a can of diet coke has a $0.35 unit price, and a glass bottle has a $1.83 unit price. For most people, paying the extra $1.48 for the same drink is impractical. But for someone who has a 30 million dollar net worth, the glass bottles of coke are well within her price range and reflect her wealth. In addition to demonstrating someone’s money, a fridge also shows a lifestyle. Someone with tons of takeout boxes in their fridge can be assumed to be someone who is probably very busy. Someone with many delicacies in their fridge, like quail eggs, saffron, or truffle is likely a gourmet chef. If we believe this theory that you are what is in your fridge, then Kris Jenner doesn’t represent reality, because her fridge isn’t a realistic fridge. This brings us to the classic argument that reality television doesn’t actually represent reality. Well “duh,” reality shows aren’t true displays of reality, just like Kris Jenner’s fridge isn’t a practical real fridge. In real life 30 women never compete over one man for the promise of a flower, like they do on “The Bachelor.” In real life, most families don’t have 19 children who share one closet and have their kids call dating “courtship,” like the Duggars do in “19 Kids and Counting.” And in real life, seven strangers aren’t picked to live in a house to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real, like they do in “The Real World.” This is all obvious. Reality shows take or put characters in special situations under provocative stimuli to generate entertainment. It isn’t a illustration of normalcy. Kris Jenner’s refrigerator isn’t normal, but who cares? Most people don’t live like the Kardashians, or the Duggars, or anyone else on reality television. And
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that is precisely the appeal of unrealistic reality television. Whether you want to laugh at it, or guiltily binge-watch, reality TV, and looking at Kris Jenner’s fridge is unrealistic, amusing, a chance to live vicariously, or chance to cringe. And all of that starts conversations.
Kathleen Conner
“character” but during these times just make it like trying to navigate a sled down a hill, can clearly see the benefits to a fridge. Yet the fridge seems to have a kind of nuisance, like it exudes childhood nostalgia, that frankly a toilet is just lacking. It seems like a weird universal truths for middle class, average American families to revolve around a fancy box full of ice, yet also strangely true. Within the small sample size of a class of maybe 20 students almost everyone had some humorous anecdote about fridges. So what is it about fridges?
The hall of fame for insignificant little league players who went on to not become professional baseball players. The bin containing the Well, I have a The bin containing the hope that someone, hope that someone, story. Not that long, someday will have the initiative, drive, and someday will have the with a pretty dull plot time to heat up last night's meatloaf. initiative, drive, and line. Basically it starts time to heat up last with me, well six-year night's meatloaf. The metal box in the middle of a old me, waking up one morning. Of course, being wood of cabinets. The stage for many sibling only six and having a pretty awesome life at the fights over the last little bit of orange juice. The time, I was super awake and excited about the day. fridge. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping in the way that is only not annoying to morning What does a fridge really mean in our people, and I knew exactly what I wanted for daily life? It is extremely useful for storing food so breakfast. Now this in itself was a foreshadowing it is safe to eat later, as well as the adjoining of strangeness, see while most people can choose freezer which is great for keeping ice cream a a forking path, thanks to Robert Frost it is more solid and storing peas for those unfortunate likely I would just sit there at the forking paths stories from growing up that usually start “so I until someone dragged me down one path kicking was walking/running/playing/hoola-hooping/ and screaming, or I starved. My indecisiveness is climbing/dancing/skipping/escaping-fromrather notorious, so me waking up knowing what imaginary-hot-lava when, out of nowhere, I I wanted for breakfast was rare. I used this tripped over a [fill in whatever piece of junk that opportunity to the fullest, I made a game plan of was lying around]!” This is important, so I don’t how I would get everything, the order, the mean to play down this aspect, however the estimated timing, the plates I would use, etc. It fridge’s function is usually pretty clear and not all was all laid out in my mind, even incorporating that much of a revelation. Any person who has the possibility of family getting in the way. Toast, lived through a couple of weeks without power with jam, a side yogurt, a banana, and one cup, due to a massive storm, the poor excuse of a not glass, of orange juice. It was all set as I put on company called ConEd, and the kind of twisty, my fuzzy socks. Of course there was maybe one hill infested roads that give riding through New possibility I hadn’t accounted for, though in all York suburbs at any other time a certain fairness how was I supposed to know that my Inspired by Writing Prompts
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fridge would take up new residence in the doorway. You see my house wasn’t built all that long ago, though the way the stairs creak, or all the noises in the basement, or the tendency for the heat to randomly shut off you would’ve thought it was. When we bought it, we met the guy who owned it and I remember the first thing my mom wanted to change was the bathrooms, but closely followed by the fridge. However, the fridge did not fit in the only doorway going out of the house, unless you wanted to go through the basement or up one set of staircases and down the other. Which meant someone either built the house, realized too late the one useful doorway was too small, and went through all the trouble of taking it up and down staircases or outside and around, into the garage and up more staircases, or they built the house around the refrigerator so that the refrigerator would always stay in the house. Personally, I think the second is way more likely. Anyways, eventually we got it out through the garage, but it basically stayed right there, in the doorway. It was strangely disconcerting to have a refrigerator in a doorway, not only because it is odd but because it messed the whole kitchen up. It was like my family didn’t have a central unit to gather around. Like we were all campers who had lost their camp fire and now just wandered around wondering what to do. It was then that I realized how the fridge centers a family. So if the home is where the heart is, I think the heart is stored in the refrigerator.
Chris Doyle For me, the Kitchen is the most dangerous place in my house. And this is saying something; I am a frequent backpacker and fisherman, routinely going places where i am sure my mother would cringe to see me even 100 yards from it. I have Inspired by Writing Prompts
been cut, burned, scraped, and bludgeoned in the kitchen more than any other place in the house, all while usually desperately trying to perform tasks as easy as cooking eggs, ramen, or toast. Yes, bludgeoned. I can remember one time where I was running around, trying to muster all of the ingredients to a sandwich before my eggs burnt on the stove, and I ran into the fridge, knocking an assortment of leftovers and salad dressing all over me. Most of the time it is truly myself to blame, but I can swear that on a number of occasions I really believed the kitchen pots and pans were out to get me. This has caused other harm as well, often transforming my body into a living canvas of cooking mistakes. Some go away, and others stay, a constant reminder and almost warning sign not to venture around the kitchen. Sometimes, all it has to be is cooking in general, because I have been harmed just as much while camping and backpacking. It really is just sad. My kitchen is an all out food battleground, but I am never usually victorious, though I put up a fair fight. In short, I just usually stick to simpler inventions like the microwave or just grab things out of the pantry, and leave the cooking to other people.
Jackson Gautreau Home is where the fridge is. When you really want McDonald’s and your mom shoots you that “we have food at home” line that causes you to resent your family. When Chinese is ordered and there is sesame chicken forever and everyone is arguing over who ordered it. And it’s put in a tupperware and no one really wants to eat it so scare tactics are used and eventually it’s pushed to the back. Sometimes, there’s an ice machine, if your parents could afford it, or couldn’t afford it but still
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decided that they love kitchen appliances more than they love you and bought it anyway. And then the ice maker tries to take any attention from your parents away from you by working overtime and outshining your ice making abilities, which are limited. And suddenly there are ice cubes all over the floor, and, in your state of confusion and possible emotional abandonment, you kick then under the fridge. And Mom comes in and says “pick it up!” as though she didn’t already love you enough, but no, Mom it’s too late! It’s already melting! There’s no way I’m reaching under there, who knows what’s under there?! It’s like that one part of a cheap haunted house where you’re hand is non-consensually shoved into a bowl of peeled grapes. And you know it’s peeled grapes but it still feels nasty. No thank you. And then Mom starts getting mad and gives you that look, and then you step in the cold water puddle in your socks and your day is ruined. The worst memory I have of my fridge is soggy socks.
Sydni Lawrence I never saw my kitchen as a dangerous place. That all changed that time my fridge started pelting me with ice. Wow, that was weird, I never thought I would ever say that. It was like one minute the fridge and I were friends, and then all of a sudden it had something against me. I mean, I don’t think I ever did anything wrong to the fridge. I always check up on it, open and close it hoping for there to be new food in there each time. But one day, I was going to get some crushed ice for my water, when 1... 2... ice cubes came out and that was enough for me so I pulled away from the ice machine that releases the ice, when out of nowhere, an avalanche of crushed ice kept pouring out of the freezer side of the refrigerator, swatting me in the eyes. I put my Inspired by Writing Prompts
hands out trying to block the ice from hitting my face and then I tried to get cups to fill with ice so there wasn’t a mess all over the floor. I started to freak out because I couldn’t stop it, but about 15-20 seconds later, it stopped. I looked down at my feet, surrounded by ice that’s already starting to melt. So I did what almost any teenager would do, I kicked it under the fridge hoping nobody saw me. Then I let my dog cover up my tracks by licking up all the leftover water from the ice that started melting. I was so mad at my fridge I couldn’t even look at it. It literally tried to kill me. I didn’t forgive my fridge for a while until one day when I was stuck doing hours worth of homework in my room, I went downstairs for a snack. I opened my fridge hoping for an assortment of delicious foods, but there was nothing but old milk and mushy fruit. I checked the pantry for snacks but of course there was nothing but stale chips; so I went back upstairs, disappointed. A few hours later I went back downstairs praying for there to be more food options for me to choose from. I opened the door slowly to a fully stocked fridge and snack cabinet. I’ve never been so happy to see so much nice, fresh food in my house that I forgave my fridge for that time it violated me with all that ice. It’s not everyday your fridge decides to attack you, but when it does, be prepared.
Josh Moskow People can hurt themselves doing anything. Physically or emotionally. Just walking on the sidewalk can get you hurt. What if a person was driving a car on a cold snowy day and drove over some ice and the car moved with no control and you were down on the cold icy pavement before you knew it. It’s possible. Even in the safe kitchen where you can cut you hand off instead of cutting the tomatoes. Kitchens are dangerous. Just doing
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something can cause a pain to yourself. If you say something negative to someone and they take it the wrong way that is a pretty easy way to hurt someone. The most dangerous place to go is the darkness. The darkness is always the most dangerous place to go. Black, defenseless, alone. You can’t see anything. You have no control what can happen to you. Anything like tripping over a book can cause damage. Anything can happen to you when it is dark. You cannot protect yourself from the shadows that will creep up on you in the dark. When there is no light to grant you sight, it is unpredictable what can happen to you. Anything could. People can hurt themselves swimming. Darkness is the most dangerous place to go. What if you decide to swim in the dark? That’s pretty dangerous.
Margot Reddy The Fridgecident The strangest part about refrigerators is that they don’t seem to last or work for very long anymore. We used to have refrigerators which lasted for years and years. In fact in my basement we still have an old fridge from my dad’s house as a kid. It works far better than our refrigerator we have now which is only about seven years old. Why is it that appliances don’t last longer than a couple of years? It’s because no one wants to spend lots of money making an appliance, but then again not many people are willing to pay a lot of money on good quality appliances. What’s the point of spending little money on something you’re just going to have to replace in three years?
will rise from 0 degrees to 4 degrees in a matter of seconds. This causes the entire fridge to begin “melting” and next thing we know our fridge is leaking water… And the smell is enough to make you never want to eat again. The ice machine often stops working and will begin chattering along with some leaking. The worst part about all the leaking is that before we can clean up the water, it will freeze all over again causing every product in the freezer to be covered in a slick layer of ice and our wooden kitchen floor to be covered in a sheet of water. It attempts to fix this problem we called a refrigerator repair guy. When his expertise failed us, we weren’t surprised, but we were curious as to how he thought our fridge wasn’t broken when there was a gigantic puddle stretching across our entire kitchen floor. During the time period of our melting fridge we had to store everything that was “worth keeping” in our basement refrigerator, which as I said before works like a charm. But the one disservice that it provided was that we had to walk down a flight of stairs dodging cat throw up and hairballs… Oh and our basement lights don’t really work, so you need to be certain you aren’t about to trip on some abandoned rollerblades or step on some legos that my now seventeen year old brother used to play with when he was six. For the next couple of weeks we kind of just ignored our problems with our malfunctioning refrigerator and it became more of a decoration than an actual appliance. The problem eventually went away on its own, just like all other things if you ignore them long enough.
My refrigerator which is relatively new, is the sole purpose of our frustration. It never seems to work and never seems to do its job. The temperature Inspired by Writing Prompts
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Luke Smith When I was 10 years old, I had discovered that my fridge became a freaking mad science experiment. So, while I was living in Jersey, no one was home, and I was hungry. Obviously, the first place I ran to was the fridge. I opened the door, and began the great journey. I went through through the produce drawers, the deli section, the top shelf, everywhere. But I found nothing. I was desperate, so I broke the one rule about the fridge: I searched through the back. Even there I searched for a good 5-10 minutes. But, what I then found, after about 15 minutes, made me gag. It was the nastiest, blackest, smelliest bunch of fruit (I use the term loosely) I've ever seen in my life, with mold growing around an inch thick. I shut the door, slowly walked away, and puked in the bathroom. Ok, that was a lie, but it was still pretty disgusting. I was extremely tempted to get a lighter, a can of sunscreen, and kill it with fire before it sprouted legs and crawled away. Luckily, my parents came home, and I asked, my tone both sarcastic and serious, “Can we call an exterminator?” “Why?” my dad responded, confused. “See for yourself,” I said as I pointed to the fridge. My dad opened the fridge, and immediately the whole room smelled a smell I don’t want to describe.. I told him to look in the back, and then he found it. When they saw the abomination of “fruit,” their faces said it all. They took what might have been a pair of tongs, and threw it out, after using almost a whole can of Ferbreez on it. It sat on the curb for at least 2 days, and not even the raccoons touched it. But nothing could prepare me for the rude surprise in my new house in Millwood. Not 3 months later, when I first moved in, there was mold as far as the eye can see Inspired by Writing Prompts
in the freezer drawer. Guess who had to clean it up- me! And the mold in the bathroom, and the mold in the basement, and the mold in the wherever-else-there-is-mold. But what really adds insult to injury, I didn't even get paid!
Liam Whitehouse The kitchen is the most dangerous place I go. Almost every week in the kitchen someone ends up bleeding burnt or bruised. The most dangerous part of the kitchen is the knives. The knives, always freshly sharpened each week have made me bleed even while performing the most simple task like cutting a bagel. Also, the stove, many times I have been burnt due to flying boiling water or the flames itself. the most fearful part of the entire kitchen is the cabinets. Since organization is extremely rare in my house, opening a cabinet could be fatal. Falling pots, pans and glassware explode from the cabinets every time they are opened. One time, I wanted to snack on some cereal. I got the cereal, got the milk all I needed was a bowl. I walked over to the bowl cabinet that also contained pots and other objects. I reach for the handle and swung the door open to reveal an improperly placed pot. This pot fell out extremely close to my head and resulting in a dent in my kitchen floor. I hate the kitchen for these reasons. The kitchen however is also one of the happiest places I go. The kitchen is where I eat my meals. Breakfast turns the sadness of waking up and turns the day into a happy place. Dinner is the place where family unites after a long day, my dad coming home from a long day at work, my mom reclaiming her insanity from working at home, my brother from school work and me from some sort of sporting event. The best part of the kitchen is the fridge. This magical place is where some of the best food is stored.
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Danny Yoon That time at the fridge when I died was one of the dumbest moments of my life. In 6th grade after school, I ran into my house all happy because I aced a test. However, when I ran in to tell my mom, the fridge got in my way. It wasn’t even an ice cube, or water that I slipped on. I straight up just head butted my fridge. The impact was so large that there An hour after, I woke was a dent in the up in the emergency side of the fridge, room and was told I and I passed out. had a concussion and An hour after, I was an idiot. woke up in the emergency room and was told that I had a concussion and was an idiot. However, it wasn't like any other concussion that I've gotten. I was told that it was close to a major, and had to stay in the room for another week. It was the worst experience ever with my head constantly throbbing, vomiting, feeling dizzy, and not being able to move. However, there were a few pros to this. I could eat all the ice cream I wanted, and I was skipping school. It was the best thing to boss around my parents and get anything I wanted. What was the worst that they could do, ground me? I was already stuck in bed without any electronics. Although this was nice, I constantly grieved going back to school. I would have to make up so much work, and explain to my friends what happened. It was just too embarrassing to tell them the truth, so I didn’t. The first lie that I told was to my best friend Liam. I said, “Oh yeah, It was pretty sick. This guy tried to jump me and pushed me down the stairs, where I hit my head, but I still stood and beat him up.” Next, I had to lie to my teacher. I told her, “I was playing basketball at the team practice and wasn’t paying attention, so a ball hit Inspired by Writing Prompts
my head.” It seemed pretty believable at the moment until I remembered that she was the assistant coach on my team. Then, I just walked away never making eye contact with her again. I quit basketball and changed classes. “There will be no evidence, or sign of what happened.” I kept thinking. Advice to readers: don’t lie like this because it never works out.
That time the fridge… Nathalie Milstein That time the fridge light broke. You know that magical moment when you open the fridge and a bright glowing light shines on you as if you’ve reached the peak of your existence? That stopped happening in my kitchen. About 3 weeks ago, I opened up the fridge expecting a life changing experience as usual, but it was quite the disappointment. The light didn’t turn on. I reached for the manual switch, and the light flickered. At first I thought the fridge was broken, which would’ve actually ruined my week right then and there. My parents told me they needed a new bulb in the fridge, but here we are 3 weeks later with a dark fridge. Sometimes the manual switch does the trick for a short 10 seconds, but I really can’t see anything without that light. The other day I used my phone flashlight to pick out a snack...that was definitely a low point in my existence. My parents haven’t mentioned the dark cave that is the fridge, which means my self esteem and happiness will be slowly shriveling up more and more every time I walk into the kitchen.
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Editor’s Note: In the making of this collection, Alex Dulman, Violet Gautreau, Ross Ginsberg, Claire Silverman, Ryan Van Fleet, and Emma Warshofsky (all talented writers) exercised their right to write about a different topic. We hope to publish their work soon.
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