goodbye

goodbye

goodbye

by krst

this was really hard to make. i started shooting and writing specifically for this project sometime in late august, after i decided i was going to leave dc. i anticipated that it would be hard emotionally, because i am a sentimental person, and often, in my head, i’m jumping forward and backward, trying to place the present moment in time, trying to predict its significance, and trying to relate it to other moments i’ve experienced in the past. what i didn’t anticipate was how working on this project would affect my day-to-day and force me to be even more sentimental and more aware of my emotions than i usually am. because i put an expiration date on my time in dc, and because i was working on this and had to actively pay attention to what i wanted to document, everything i did held more significance. so as december crept closer, i felt every emotion more strongly, and happiness was tinged with sadness because i knew i was leaving soon. sentimentality is painful. feeling nostalgic for a place you’re still living in is painful. i journal regularly as a way to document things as i remember them at that point in time, because i feel like things are moving too fast, and i’m just trying to gather my thoughts in one place so i can forge an understanding of my own life. i recognize that this constant documentation affects how i remember things, because what i find significant enough to write down or photograph eventually replaces the original memory, given enough time. despite this constant erasure of how i originally remembered an event, it still says a lot to me about how i chose to present these memories to myself. it says a lot about me when i’m looking back and rereading how i interpreted a small conversation, or how i processed certain emotions after a bigger event. it feels like meta text when i’m rereading something and i know i chose to leave certain details out, for whatever reason.

this zine is essentially a public diary from the past year. i start off with some lists that i made in the fall of 2015, when i had a few days in dc before going abroad for a semester. then it jumps ahead to january when i came back to dc to finish college. it ends in december, just a week before i left. all the events in this zine are real. all the people are real. all the dates are accurate. the photos are mostly chronological. the key difference between this zine and my journal is that i know the audience has changed. i’m no longer writing just for myself, so in anticipation of that, i’ve edited down entries. i also didn’t include every entry i’ve written in the past year. i’ve redacted some sentences that include information that i think is too intimate to share with a public audience. this is the version of myself that i want to present. and this version of myself will be interpreted differently based on how well or how little you know me, but i hope the confessional nature of this project allows you to feel close to me, though it’s important to recognize that this closeness is on my terms. this isn’t a comprehensive or even accurate representation of me, but it is the representation that i would like to exist at this point in time, on this certain subject. i know that this is a vanity project, but i also know that we all have an inherent interest in how other people live and how they view the world and themselves. i think there is value in personal writing, both for the author and the reader. i don’t think anything i did in the past year was exceptional, but i still think it was worth writing and thinking about. so thank you for taking the time to read and look through this. i’m incredibly humbled. xoxo krst

i used to live here.

out my bedroom window at 1711

at fort reno, on a fall day

things i thought more than once in the past three and a half years (taken from my twitter archive, reformatted for this list): the best part of georgetown is leaving georgetown also what the hell is a hoya what is a chimichanga and should i order one from cactus next time? j— got one last time but i forgot to look at it and see what it was need to bleed: a period piece i love my chemical romance i hope everyone in mcr is doing well except for mikey way i went to your party in tenley because i wanted to go to mcdonalds after all i want for christmas is for hony to stop i can’t believe you just told me my photos look like hony’s new photo series: humans of my ass (homa)

erik smiling in the face of unmarked aggression

aug things to do in dc before prague: talk to d— at work talk to a— about mfa photo programs and why photojournalism is (possibly?) ethically questionable almost always talk to c— and ask how to get photo work noticed without an mfa talk to graduated friends about working in newsrooms pay s— back in pizza for when he acted in human the death dance talk to a— about my bad summer at a “prestigious” internship

aug things to buy: a new journal a flash for the nikon a good chelsea boot 10 rolls of ektar 100 and 10 of portra 400 black tights sep things i got around to buying in the past month: black tights an okay pair of chelsea boots

jan 11 i accidentally saw a naked photo print of someone i never thought i’d see naked. and then i told everyone about it immediately and brought it up consistently jan 12 i’m intimidated because it’s hard to talk in a room full of men. every history course i’ve taken feels like a boy’s club and i hate talking in class, even though i know i usually have something to say because i always do the readings and i understand how to pick apart history texts. but it’s hard when i get nervous and say “like” or “so” consistently and when i can feel the entire room of boys questioning the validity of what i have to say because i’m coming off as girly or young. one of the guys in this class currently works in the state department. how am i in a class with someone who literally works at the state department? he brought dried fruit to our first class and offered it to everyone, and it looked really gross but the offer was nice

meat.

jan 16 hung out a bit with h— on thursday and friday and met j—, who is very funny and lives on the same floor! a neighbor! fantastic! he’s very nice and so is h— and i’m very glad we’re roommates and it seems to be working out well, since i sleep later than her almost every day and i don’t wake her up by going into the living room/her room. but i am killing a lot of cockroaches every day, which, ew jan 26 j— and i talked til 4am and she told me about what hapened last semester regarding someone we’re friends with and… i don’t want to associate with people who emotionally manipulate other people and lie about it and [ ]. it was really hard to hear about how manipulative she was towards j—, knowing that j— was already on edge about everything.

jan 30 on wednesday one of my favorite comedians came to campus and i wanted to go, but the thought of sitting in a gym surrounded by hundreds of people sounded so unappealing i went to the library alone and did some reading instead. on thursday l— and s— stayed for my radio show and it was nice, because i still don’t really know what to talk about on air when i’m alone. i played a jeff rosenstock song and they both started singing along, which was really very tender. on friday i got home around midnight and on my way up, a berks security guard took out his earbuds and motioned at me, which made me take out my earbuds, and then he told me i looked “extremely beautiful,” which was fine, i guess, although i was mad at myself for smiling back, because i didn’t have to, so i took a different elevator up to avoid having him know where i lived.

feb 4 we went to an iowa caucus party and it was a surreal experience. everyone was huddled around the tv watching votes get counted. joke of the night was how no one i was with had any idea what a caucus was, due to the fact that we didn’t try to learn before nor at the party. there is a point i hit with politics and that point is being forced to care about iowa

feb 9 the book we had to read this week was written by the son-in-law of edward said and his writing was just as hard to get through. i think i did a decent job with the essay even though i literally fell asleep three separate times trying to get through it. but i guess everyone else had just as hard of a time with it, because collectively, we were just trying to make sense of the story. christian missionaries in the middle east? martyrs? failed conversions? white saviors?

he asked how to spell my name correctly, and then he did

feb 17 i went to lrf with j— and then we went back to my apartment to chat and eat snacks. It was really really nice and i’m glad she visited dc. we talked about what we were going to do in the next year, so in her case, possibly going to grad school in a new city, but i’m personally ready to stay in dc for a bit. at least through the summer, if anything. i’m just realizing it’s nice to have so many friends in one place, and i haven’t had that in a while. i’ve been moving around since last summer and i’ve made a lot of different friends and i’ve done a lot, but i just want to stay put for a bit. i don’t want to feel so alone right now feb 19 got our weekly papers back and professor f— said it was the “best in the class by far” and i still feel so good about it! this was the book about missionaries and i’m impressed with myself and i want to keep it in a box full of other small accomplishments so i can feel this good again whenever i’m not feeling this good because i wish i could always feel this good and i wish feeling proud of myself wasn’t so fleeting mar 6 fucked around in southeast for a bit yesterday because we got free ubers. we wanted to see these inflatable bunnies, but they weren’t up because of the wind. we walked for a bit and came across a playground and some skate ramps under a highway, and then walked to the capitol, which i hadn’t been to since visiting dc for the first time with my family. it was nice.

mar 7 i did some laundry took out the trash cleaned up my room did the dishes cleaned the kitchen and then took a nap because i saw h— was napping. we didn’t wake up until the sun had set, but i didn’t have much else to do anyway so i wasn’t mad about it. mar 11 before i left for nyc, i did some shopping in dupont during my lunch break at work and i smiled at strangers and at the ducks in front of my work building and i was so happy! i’m still really happy! i forgot how good and uplifting it is to have the sun out. every winter i forget that seasonal depression is a thing and affects my mood a lot more than i’d like. a counselor at school told me they had rooms with lights that mimic the sun and that i could sit in one any time but i’ve never done that but maybe i should, in the future

floral bush

apr 8 i’m really very stressed right now and i’m having trouble breathing and it’s because i had a stressful afternoon because i had to tell the person i’m doing freelance work for that i didn’t have time to make the video she wanted me to make for this anniversary event happening next week and i feel really bad about it but i’m not even great at editing video? but i went to her apartment in foggy bottom and she didn’t have anything together and she was freaking out about the event and i absorbed all her stress and then she started arguing with someone in the apartment and he’s like, 80, and he fell and almost hurt himself and it was terrifying and i was really worried that he might have broken something but he got back up on his own and pretended like nothing happened, even though everyone in the room knew that he was probably physically hurting, but we didn’t want to make him feel worse than he probably already did. i left after three hours because i had to get out of there and because i really couldn’t breathe so i came home and

felt horrible. i feel so behind on everything and i just cried and i didn’t know if i would stop crying but eventually i did. it’s weird because i don’t actually have that much work to do, like i know i handled more last year and everything now is pretty tame, but i just have no motivation to do anything and i’m worried i won’t survive the next two weeks and i’m so so sad right now. my sister told me to listen to a song that has a line about family living in different states which is what’s going to happen once she goes to school in seattle and i didn’t even realize that was a reality but it’s going to happen and we’re going to be so physically far apart and for whatever reason it’s been freaking me out, like everyone i love is so far away in the past month not that much has changed except i’m stressed out more and i interviewed for a job today and met the person i would be working under and he’s nice and i would definitely like working with him but i don’t think i would like the work itself very much, which he acknowledged, after he took a quick look at my resume and said “wow you have a lot of creative stuff on here” meaning that the job i was applying for, which is all admin work, would probably be boring for me to do, but i’m just looking to stay in dc and i need to pay rent and i need to live in a place that doesn’t have cockroaches that come out at night in the kitchen and a lot of good things have happened recently and i’m excited but i also feel really sad and i wish i could figure out the cause of the sadness. i should be able to handle this but i feel like i can’t

apr 28 i took my only final yesterday and so i guess i’m done with undergrad? i also went to my independent study advisor’s office and we talked about my photo submissions and how i had submitted ten photos under the series category but they picked one out and moved it to the single image category and ignored the other nine which kinda hurt when i read the email they sent me. talking to l— was helpful because she was there for the judging and now i know the series i submitted was redundant and i should have submitted less and it was good to hear that was the reason they moved one image over, because at least it’s not like everything sucked and i can’t actually take photos despite really liking it, which is something i’m constantly worried about, like maybe i shouldn’t be trying to do this because maybe i’m actually really bad at it and everyone knows it and can see it but me but overall, i had a pretty good semester. i think i did some decent work. i met some decent people. the most surprising thing is that i’m mostly hanging out with people i met four months ago, which isn’t usually how my friendships go, because i usually latch on and don’t let go because the entire process of making new friends is exhausting like how do you actually find people you genuinely like and genuinely want to hang out with all the time? i don’t know but i managed to do it and now i’m hesitant to leave dc after graduation

erik, mikala, and hayley on hayley’s birthday

luke on his birthday

sean, when he worked for nbc4

sean in bunny glasses

ali with a feather mustache

jack’s photo from prom

luke with money at prom

mom with my graduation flowers

may 8 i’m proud of myself for being emotionally honest with someone for the first time in my life and even though it didn’t work out the way i wanted it to, it’s cool to know i’m in touch enough with my feelings to be able to express them to another person without passing out, which i honestly thought was going to happen beforehand. i told [ ] that [ ] and it sucked, but it didn’t suck nearly as much as i thought it was going to suck. i also graduated this weekend and it was incredibly anti-climactic. i had been thinking about and dreading that moment for so long that i had already lived it several hundred times in my head, so when it actually happened, nothing in me changed. my family and i took a nap in my bed after graduation and i ignored the thought of small cockroaches crawling over every kitchen surface just one room over.

katie and dad in the living room

katie and mom in the rental car

fish heads on display

may 15 i got bottomless champagne brunch with m— at this super nice restaurant on connecticut that she makes her parents go to when they visit dc. it was good to see her again and catch up and gossip a bit about the film awards at my school that went to a few people we both equally despise. the food was incredible and i drank too much and had a hard time walking back to tenley, but we survived, though i did have to stop her and sit down in the grass on someone’s nice lawn for a bit. i started working and it’s incredibly frustrating for a few reasons, but most of the frustration comes from tech issues that i keep running into. it’s also annoying to realize [

hope that it’ll get better.

]. i’m holding out

i went on two dates last week and [ ]. found out after that one of them had been married once? even though he’s not particularly old? he also looked vaguely like a young rob kardashian? i ended up [ ]. the other date went a lot better but mostly in terms of us being friends, we [ ]. i’m planning a road trip to asheville with g— because i do feel the need to get out of dc, even just for a weekend, because i feel like i’m suffocating sometimes

jun 4 even though we went out last night, m— woke up relatively early because she wanted to go to dupont because the art museums were free for some event. but before we could leave, we found this huge cricket-spider-demon-insect on the wall in our bathroom and we both screamed. m—swung at it with her shoe, but it jumped towards us both when she missed, so i sprayed it with hairspray until it froze… and then she hit it a few times with her shoe. it was messy to clean up and we both felt gross and we’re probably seeing these bugs because we live in the basement and that sucks, but we’re buying a bunch of raid tonight, in anticipation of more jun 7 i think we have bed bugs or fleas and now my home doesn’t feel like a home and there are still camel crickets in our room and i’m always on the lookout for them. the space feels small and i feel lethargic all the time and unproductive and very trapped, not just physically, but i feel like i won’t ever get to a place where i can get paid to do something i actually enjoy, which is… what, exactly? i don’t know. i don’t know what i want to do and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do and i’m scared i’m going to feel this way forever. i just don’t want to work towards something i’m not even sure i want to do for the sole purpose of being successful in the traditional sense. like yay, i did things right and i can pay my rent and now my parents are proud of me? i don’t know what will make me happy. and i don’t know what will make me feel like i’m not stuck.

a liquor store in dupont

jun 19 it’s father’s day today and my family is in denver eating dim sum and i wish i was there, even though i did have a pretty good day by myself looking at prints and photos at the national gallery of art. the two photo rooms i liked were about sequencing and the ways in which words can interact with photos (in galleries, photobooks, and nontraditional print projects). also, i saw a nan goldin print, which was a surprise and was nice. jun 26 i took some pretty long lunch breaks this week because it’s been really stressful trying to do everything before financial month in close and oh, also, i majored in film and they put me in charge of a multi-million dollar account for [ ]. i finished a book during lunch and at the end, one of the main characters loses both his eyes because of a botched eyelid surgery and so i’ve been thinking about eyelid surgery a lot recently. i was talking to l— about it and he described my eyes as narrow and compared them to how eyes are drawn in traditional japanese paintings, which felt weird to me because i’ve never thought about my eyes that way, because i normally think about them as just being small, but not necessarily narrow. but maybe they are narrow and i’m trying to distance myself because i don’t want my features to be traditionally asian. i’m questioning not only how other people see my face, but if i really even know my own face at all. is my perception of self completely different from how other people see me?

the mcdonald’s i walk past every day

jul 6 so this weekend i met up with [ ]. we went to [ ] and i think i came off sad in an effort to be genuine, but maybe i am just sad. there were some good moments and he was really nice and interesting and we had a decent night, i was just worried about how i was coming off because for whatever reason, i cared. i felt really [ and ]. and the entire time i was thinking about how sad he was going to make me, which sucked, because then the whole situation and me thinking about it prematurely made me sad, even when he was still sitting in front of me. also how can one person be so calm? it’s intimidating

spikes from the earth

transported columns

jul 9 i talked to t— about his religious journey and it was interesting and actually inspiring, which is not something i usually think about religion. at the end of his story he asked how i was and i was very honest and told him how anxious and scared i’ve been lately and then he prayed for me, out loud, across the table from me, and we both had our heads bowed and we were at the café at the national cathedral, and it was very uncomfortable but also was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. it was incredibly nice to hear from someone else how they hope i can find something i’m passionate about and to find the ability to be happy. tears welled up in my eyes but it was fine because t— had his head down and eyes closed when he was praying so he didn’t see jul 11 i went to hang out with i— and she had this whole box of themed playing cards and one of the packs was chippendale themed, so i saw 52 erect dicks attached to heavily oiled men yesterday. my boss told me today that i should take more vacations and that he was excited for me and i really appreciated that. so i planned vacations and i’m excited to leave dc more consistently.

aug 6 i love my new house (1711) in mt pleasant and i’m sitting on my porch and i’m eating strawberry and nutella pancakes and everything is so fucking cute and beautiful and i’m sweating but i don’t even care because it’s going to be fall soon and i’ll be able to sit out here without getting bit by mosquitos but until then i can enjoy this neighborhood because everything is so nice and incredible and i should have moved out of tenley sooner! aug 13 i talked to g— at flying fish about how i needed to get out. the last few times we talked i mostly talked about how scared i was about being alone and being lonely once i moved out of tenley, but now i’m not only glad to be out of tenley, i’m itching to get out of dc and out of the country and to do some traveling and exploring. i want to do things alone in unfamiliar places, even though it makes me anxious, because new things are fun surprises, most of the time. i also recognize i’m probably romanticizing the idea of running away and being alone, but i’m still probably going to do it.

mid aug to do list: talk to d— about solo traveling work on developing live video series in the house back room audio? update expenses and budget look into english teaching jobs abroad talk to p— about working in hostels abroad make list of questions to ask parents about family history, immigrant experience get aa batteries for attachable flash. use flash on digital. transcribe rice queens interviews look up health insurance and if it covers therapy in dc buy a keychain

a toilet in 1711

up the stairs at 1711

down the stairs at 1711

aug 18 i realized today that i can leave dc i realized today that staying longer than i have to won’t be good for me i fully grasped today that i have complete control over my life

aug 23 i’m nervous about going home tomorrow and asking my parents if they’ll be okay with me backpacking for a few months because i know it’s a lot to ask if i can just move back in indefinitely and also it’s a lot to ask if they’ll be okay with me disappearing for a few months because i want to be alone for a bit. there’s a lot that’s up in the air but i feel better now that i’ve decided and told people that i’m going to leave dc. it feels real because i’ve told people and i can’t be like, “haha jk i’m staying in dc even though living here makes me sad!” at least the possibility of embarrassment can hold me accountable.

an orange in mt pleasant

sep 1 i’m back in dc now after a red eye flight earlier and i was surprised but happy that my parents were supportive of the travel plan i tentatively have and i think a big part of that is because i’m paying for everything because i’ve actually saved up a good amount of money at this job. home was good. home was comfortable. i was generally happier the week i was back. but i did miss living alone and having the freedom to go anywhere i wanted whenever i wanted, because it’s annoying to have to tell someone where i’m going and i felt like i had to leave behind breadcrumbs of information before i left

sep 6 so [ ]. she sent me a series of texts calling me obviously depressed and telling me how awful i was to be around ever since i got back to dc in january, and it sucked because i had to ask my other friends if i was actually that awful to be around and if i really complained that much. i wasn’t sad that our friendship ended, i was more sad that it made me question my relationships with other people. i was also at a party and i read the texts out loud and by “read” i mean “screamed in between bouts of laughter” because i was upset and high and i didn’t really know how to deal with it. but we’re not talking and i don’t anticipate that we’ll ever talk again, which is somehow a comforting thought sep 15 i’m feeling tired and ignored today and i’m contemplating going home early in nov but i don’t think i really want that. but i am feeling off today and wondering if [ ]. will i keep in touch with anyone here once i leave? i hate leaving a specific time and place and realizing later that i didn’t really know anyone that well, even though it felt like i did. i hate that it’s hard to tell when you’re only friends with someone because it’s convenient. i guess it’s okay, because the experience offers perspective on who matters to me, but it hurts a lot nonetheless

bathroom poofs at 1711

henry on the kitchen counter

roxy at the top of the stairs

sep 16 i’m thankful for the spicy miso ramen i had last night with j— that cleared everything out of me and i’m thankful for digestion and wow i’m actually writing about pooping sep 18 i was cross faded enough last night to open up and talk about previous relationships and how even if i don’t want to admit it, this one dude from freshman year kinda fucked me up for a bit. it was nice to be listened to though, even if it wasn’t reciprocated in the same way, but i can’t expect everyone to feel the need to divulge very personal information about past relationships with me, so i understand sep 25 i miss school, not the stress of it, but i miss thinking and reading and being able to churn out decent academic writing in a short amount of time and feeling proud that i could do that. i was in the darkroom yesterday during a—‘s shift and i was looking through the photos i took for basic photo and i got really sad and all i want to do is get to take another photo class. it’s nice that i get to shoot whatever i want on my schedule but i miss photo assignments and photo critiques, even though some of my crits had me standing in front of the class, holding my subpar work for the week, knees shaking and voice quivering

jeannie in fake socks at nike

mid sep to do list: bother au about the money they owe me keep saving money keep shooting for goodbye zine get hard drive from home buy disposables and shoot them

oct 5 m— apparently made an excel spreadsheet detailing what we’re going to do for the week i’m in new orleans and i’m so excited and also impressed by the level of detail she’s putting into hosting me. i’m also excited for j— to come to dc this weekend and to go shopping and also eat a lot because that’s what she wants to do and that’s what we normally do when she’s here.

a stranger through the window

rebekah, emma, and kelsey listening to pop punk

jeannie at the black squirrel

jeannie at the white house with a cookie

bill, eric, jack, and erik on halloween at 1711

medical malpractice and his victim at 1711

eric scares a stranger on halloween

oct 30 i think the saddest thing that happened this weekend was when i was crying in bed and when i noticed “baby” by justin bieber was playing, but my laptop was on the other side of the room and i couldn’t physically bring myself to get up and change the song, so i cried for the entirety of “baby.” i did eventually manage to get up and get out and do my laundry but that’s all i accomplished on saturday. i was just crushed with every feeling possible about leaving dc and leaving everything i’ve built for the past few years and it was exhausting and overwhelming and this big cry fest only happened because i had a really good week and a really good friday night. my emotions are like a pendulum and my meditation group leader tells me it shouldn’t be that way and i should be able to have consistent day-to-day emotions but i’m unable to stop my mood swings from happening and seemingly unable to be happy unless it’s sandwiched between two bouts of extreme sadness

ezra mae and the gypsy moon on halloween

mirrorsigns on halloween

cj on halloween

sean on halloween

jack and eric on halloween

the dude and erik on halloween

isabel as sexy rick sanchez in the attic

sarah palin and lauren on election night

nov 14 we went to the dc art book fair, which was incredible. i got to talk to an artist who is one of six photographers in a collective, and i asked how they made their 26-zine series, and she was really very kind and encouraging and talked about how they all met in nyc at school and then told me i should move to nyc, to which i enthusiastically responded: “yea i’m trying!” i also ran into my former boss from an internship, and we caught up over food later at union market. what a coincidence! she made the move to nyc a few weeks ago but was back in town for one day and decided to check out the art book fair. i was really excited. when i went home i messaged j— pretty frantically about starting a photo collective with me, which he was into, and we both reached out to one more friend each. so we’re forming a collective of four photographers and i’m really excited because all three of them put out work that i think is better than mine, so maybe it’ll inspire me to shoot more and to shoot better?

the weekend after the election

doan at union market

outside the dc art book fair

anna and empanada

gracie’s lamp in my room, after my light burned out

sophie at the fall exhibition

directors scott and anna at the fall exhibition

nov 20 on tuesday i helped set up the au photo collective fall exhibition with a— and a—. i’ve never helped set up anything in a gallery before, and it took a while, but it was worth it because it looked so great at the end that i teared up a little. it’s weird to think about how two years ago i was half jokingly throwing out ideas to a— about what to do with the photo collective budget, and she agreed to a photo exhibition. but also two years ago, we only had the money to hang prints up on clothesline in a room in the school of international service, which looked not so great. so the exhibition in a real gallery this year looked incredible and the next day it drew a sizable crowd. s— was also in town so we got drinks at this tiki bar on u st. and m— and c— joined us there.

marina and anoushka at the fall exhibition

allison and sean at the fall exhibition

cheers! sophie at the tiki bar

sophie and marina at frankie cosmos

nov 20 (cont.) friday was the mitski show and she was somehow even more incredible than the past two times i’ve seen her with l—. her songs were faster and so things seemed louder, but it still felt intimate because she turned off all the lights in the venue and was only backlit by two bulbs she brought with her on stage. i was initially mad about this, because i was taking pictures, but i also understood, because it wouldn’t have been the same with the stage lights on. her last song is usually “last words of a shooting star,” which is one of my favorites, but this time she played “class of 2013,” which is a song that makes me cry because of how it hits so close to home. it’s weird, because i never thought i would move back in with my parents, but i also failed to estimate just how sad i could get. the song is sung addressing her mom, asking her to take care of her for just a little longer, before she can go out on her own and face the world and take care of herself. i’ve always thought about myself as being fiercely independent, but whenever i’m sad or tired, i find myself wishing for my mom and wishing i could just go home, and not have to deal with the mundane aspects of life like working to pay rent and grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning and somehow still finding time to take care of myself. some days i can’t even get up to eat and more often than i’d like, i’m out of food at home because i just forgot to buy any. sometimes i wish i didn’t only have myself to rely on. so mitski played this song, alone on stage, and screamed into her guitar, and it was…cathartic. i felt better after, because her entire set just felt like a really good dream that i didn’t want to wake up from.

my neighbor’s house

jack on thanksgiving

(former) work space

dec 2 my coworkers were happy for me on my last day. most of them didn’t really understand what a photobook was, and definitely didn’t understand when i was trying to describe what type of job i’d like in the future, but they still seemed more than willing to put me in contact with their friends who “work in publishing in new york,” which is fantastic and was really touching. i know i’ve been there for seven months but it feels like it’s nothing, because apparently anything less than a year hardly counts as time in the “working world,” which is funny because doing anything for seven months seems really long to me. it makes me think of that image that explains how time moves faster the longer you’ve lived, because proportionally, a year takes up less time in your memory if you’re older.

things i need to do before leaving dc: go to the national gallery again go to the hirshhorn again go to the holocaust museum again sell my bed and other furniture give away my books donate clothes eat at nando’s develop film, scan film bug j— and l— into hanging out more with me how many zine ideas can i come up with before i leave? hang out at flying fish go to spa world with b— pupusas sakuramen on spice level 6 (bring tissues) drinks with a—, a—, and a—

visitor center

luke at the national arboretum

luke’s turn with the camera

luke laughing at the insides of a plant

things to do when the big sad comes to visit: exfoliate drink a lot of white wine but not alone go to target and look at the home goods section and imagine a life for yourself where you aren’t constantly thinking about your own mortality people watch at a cafÊ with your $8 spruced up cup of coffee get two pupusas, bean and cheese, eat on the porch make travel plans, impulse buy plane/bus tickets make plans to leave dc, make a zine about it, throw a party for yourself leave dc

penjing

the district is lonely. the district is sad. the district can’t stop thinking about how things went wrong with sharon. the district finally cries.

the district . . . sleeps alone tonight.

dc: the district of columbia the district of capitalism the district of crying the district of can’t manage my feelings the district of crisp n juicy the district of cannabis the district of cannibalism the district of coughing the district of claritin-d the district of colorado (i just want to go home)

the road between boulder and superior, co