White Knight Employee Handbook

Copyright Š 2015 White Knight. All rights reserved. Special thanks to Danyberd retailer for the permission to photograph their merchandise and Renzo Piano for designing the gorgeous parliment that has prominent features in this handbook.

Welcome to White Knight!

The law firm run by entitled men defending the legal rights of other entitled men rich enough to afford us!

Now that you’re officially part of the team it’s time to leave the cooking up to the wife, strap on your FDA approved masculinity card and throw your shaving blades into the nearest bin.

The cases you will face during your employment at White Knight will often threaten the very essence of all that you and your clients know to be true.

Below are a few examples of the statements you are likely to hear from our distraught and often confused clients.

“Yes hi, I’d like to sue Axe for the lack of women running towards me like in the commercials.”

“I can’t stand it anymore.

I’m here to file for a divorce.

She put pink sheets on our bed! And she mocked me; telling me I’m overreacting and that it’s actually salmon!

I knew gay marriage would ruin my life… I should have seen the signs.”

“I’m not really sure why I’m here. I saw a nice a** and I had to make sure she knew I would definitely tap that, you know? Was hoping for a date but maybe she misunderstood me so we have a court date instead… Think I’ll get s** after this?”

“It makes no sense. It was a great d*** pic.

She must be a lesbian.”

“She wanted the D. Now she wants child alimony?

What is this s***?!”

This is where you come in! It is up to us to defend our clients’ honour and beliefs and to reassure them that it is in fact everyone else that is wrong, not them. For this, consistency is key.

And here at White Knight we’ve built a standard like no other. It fills us with great pride to see our clients time and time again look to us to provide them with professional legal advice and a true vision of what a man is and what they should aspire to be.

It is because of this that we cannot stand to disappoint them with anything short of a seductive stubble and some misogynistic knowledge to boot!

Our mission begins with we. Whatever our title or position, we work for the firm. We are the firm. And what we do is provide high quality legal service with integrity, professionalism, and respect for our clients and their existential need to be in possession of a validated masculinity card.

We are invested in our clients’ success: constantly seeking creative, practical, and effective solutions for the betterment of our firm in order to provide all those* seeking our service with excellent legal representation.

We understand that our clients have budgetary expectations and we aim to meet them. We strive to inform our clients about any unexpected fees we decide to fabricate as soon as possible despite that we sincerely believe one shouldn’t even attempt to maintain a household if they truly can’t afford our services. Most of all we seek to understand our clients’ business needs. We want them to be completely satisfied with our services, not only in the results, but also in the value that they have received along the way.

N.B. Consultations will only be given to serious and professional clients.

Students, inexplicably adorable pets, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and women will be turned away at the door. We strive to provide nothing short of a clean and professional standard of work and being associated with these extremist groups will sully our reputation.

*If belonging to the right gender and earning accordingly, expect the very best in customer service.

Any differentiation from this criteria will much preferably go undiscussed due to certain delicate legal considerations the firm desires to avoid altogether.

Feast your eyes on this exquisite display! An amalgamation of all that White Knight is and strives to continue being. Look, we’ll even break it down into percentages for you so you know we’re good at math.

50% Gender Marketing Propaganda 30% Badass Sharp Lines 15% Font We Actually Paid For 5% Tears of Our Enemies 0% Actual Knight -------------------------Total: 100% Manliness

Nothing defines White Knight’s prowess as justly as our colour scheme does. There’s something undeniably manly and corporate about the combination of blue and grey tones and if you don’t see it then we would be happy to bribe an agreement out of you.

Our colours speak of balance. The Grey stands for both modern in our practice and conservative in our beliefs and chauvinistic ways.

The blue speaks of our peaceful demeanour.

White Knight is 100% anti-violence, favouring rational words over brute behaviour. That’s what qualified hitmen are for.

Nothing says rich company with far too much money to spend and very little care for the environment as a Pantone colour does so really, the Steel is there just to fill that criteria. For the sake of a description, we’ll say it’s indicative of our lawyers’ balls of steel that on their own increase our success rate by 70%*.

*All statistics are based on facts. But this particular one was provided by an accountant employed at White Knight who just so happens to have an obsession with testicles and was once suspended for getting caught trying to photocopy his prized jewels on the company’s photocopier so there might be a slight bias.

The way you dress at work can affect the image you convey to partners and influence assignments, promotions and your future within the firm. For ideal representation, White Knight has established the following dress code dos and don’ts.

DOS Do wear a tailored suit in a neutral colour with a collared, long-sleeve dress shirt and tie for interviews, court appearances, client meetings and presentations.

Do make sure your wife washed and pressed the suit you’re about to put on.

Do wear conservative leather shoes with ideally dark coloured socks.

Do keep nails clean and trimmed short.

Do maintain a stubble or better yet, grow a beard.

Do boast about your unruly chest hair and insist there are in fact abdominals underneath the beer.

DON’TS Do not come to work in your sweats looking like you’re about to ask someone if they even lift, bro.

Do not adorn your favourite team’s gear to work no matter how excited over last night’s game you are.

Do not, for the sake of all that you hold dear, grow your hair beyond the lower lobe of your ear. Anything longer is considered an abomination. You will be labelled a sinner and burnt at the stake.

Do not display any form of individuality be it in your style, visible tattoos or lace underwear.

Do not pay attention to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Do not under any circumstance convince yourself that your male co-workers want to actually see aforementioned chest hair or your pathetic excuse of a six pack.

As part of company policy a pre-employment drug screen is mandatory followed by a full background check. Additionally for current employees monthly tests will be conducted to ensure the company’s policies are being adhered to. Positive drug test results or a radical dip in testosterone levels will result in immediate suspension and possible termination of employment.

As for alcohol; get as wasted as you would like.

Abstinence and moderation are for the weak.

Making friends with your fellow co-workers is encouraged! Latest hot case and dumb blonde jokes are common office banter. Get involved!

DISCLAIMER White Knight is a fictitious company based on some unfortunately nonfictitious behaviours, ideals, and stereotypical assumptions.

If you somehow accepted any of this to be true and have upon this discovery consequentially bruised your ego, please be sure to address your complaints and legal threats to your unjustified self-entitlement.

On the other hand, should you have any questions in regards to the project or its creator’s mental health, feel free to forward your queries to whiteknightxproject@gmail.com.