ROAD TO RECOVERY

BY NICOLE WEDDINGTON

From the moment I took my first drink at age 15, I have always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Now that I think of it, I’m certain I was an alcoholic before I ever took my first drink

Back then, it was more about boredom, and I had two alcoholic fathers as proof that it must be OK. It was the 90s. Everybody drank, and everybody smoked.

continued to drink heavily throughout college and managed to make it through relatively unscathed, meaning I didn’t get arrested. I clearly was not setting the bar very high.

In my 30s, it looked a bit more glamorous. I was living in Chicago, where there is literally a bar on every corner. Hanging out in beer gardens, taking shots, drinking craft beer, and going out to eat expensive dinners with bubbly was all just a way of life when you’re young and living in a great city….or so I thought at the time. After a year of reckless living, I stopped drinking for 25 days. It felt like a really long time.

Alcoholism, alcohol use disorder, alcohol dependence, and alcohol addiction all have the same definition, acco ding to Google: “a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled drinking and a preoccupation with alcohol.” In the program, we call it the phenomenon of craving. But it doesn’t matter what you call it. It is personal and different for everyone. All that matters is whether you consider your relationship with alcohol to be negative in your life. And for me, it was.

I didn’t wake up in the morning and start drinking every day, although I had done that when I was hungover. I do know that I had a problem stopping once I started. I also know that sometimes I would get so excited to drink after a tough day (I call it ‘the itch’) that I would start drinking, and once I was drunk, I had no desire to eat. It was a vicious, self-destructive cycle.

My father had been an alcoholic my entire life. He always had a cocktail in one hand and a beer in the other. He was always drunk. In 2017, I got the inevitable call from my sister. “Daddy died,” she sobbed. His death certificate ead, “Cardiac failure. Chronic alcoholism.” He was 67. I drank the next four months straight.

This is in my blood. The following winter, I got sober. This was the third time in my life that I had gotten sober for longer than a few days since I started drinking: the first time was 25 days, then 35 days, lastly, 105 days.

You would think my father drinking himself to death would have been enough to get me sober, but the thing

The next day, I expected to be reprimanded by my little brother, who has always been considerably more responsible than me - but it never came.

is, alcohol wasn’t ruining my life. I had embarrassed myself countless times, but, in general, I was a successful person. I was responsible and educated. I got up and went to work every day. I exercised and practiced yoga, and I had great relationships with friends and family.

My rock bottom came in the form of extreme embarrassment in front of my family. On Christmas Day 2019, I fell out of my chair while playing a game in front of my sister-in-law’s entire family—and my parents. Did I mention that my stepdad was fighting for his life against congestive heart failure—also a result of alcoholism? My brother is nine years younger than me, and this was their first time hosting Christmas at their new house.

The next day, I expected to be reprimanded by my little brother, who has always been considerably more responsible than me—but it never came. This broke my heart more than anything. He had accepted that his big sister was a drunk. This behavior was expected. I was almost 41, and I decided right then and there it was time to get sober, for real.

I did the first 90 days on my own, still not able to wrap my head around abstaining permanently—just hoping to make it longer than the longest time before that (105 days). I knew that I needed some support if this was going to be different. That would mean holding myself accountable. I became involved with a 12-step program to share my experience with others who suffered with the same struggles.

My new family helped me to think of my addiction as an allergy. My body did not process it the same as others that could “drink successfully.” They understood me in a way I had never experienced before, and they kept saying this simple phrase that stuck in my head, “keeping coming.”

Well, I did, and I am happy to say that I recently celebrated one year of sobriety.

One thing I’ve noticed is that alcohol changed me. I realized I was extremely insecure, and alcohol was masking that feeling. Until, of course, the next day, when the crippling anxiety and depression kicked in.

I no longer waste days of my life lying in bed as I beat myself up mentally. I have more time to do the things that make me happy with the people I love.

I’m working on self-care and loving myself, spending my extra money on things like yoga and bubble bath instead of alcohol. Who am I? I no longer

feel depressed, and I live with a sense of pride that was never there when I drank alcohol.

I went from numbing my feelings with alcohol to feeling everything—literally overnight. No one ever said quitting drinking would be easy, but my life is much easier than it was when I was drinking. I no longer have to wake up and apologize for something that felt natural to me, making excuses all the time that I knew were just that, excuses. Most importantly, I am no longer hurting myself and the people I love.

My life is not perfect, but it is so much better.

If you’re feeling like your relationship with alcohol has become a negative in your life, visit www.hurleymc.com/ services/behavioral-medicine/ resources/ for a list of resources. You don›t have to do it alone.

About The Author

Nicole Weddington is a freelance writer and editor living and working in Belleville, Michigan. She has contributed to a variety of newspapers, and health and lifestyle magazines and websites from Flint to Chicago. She was most recently the managing editor for Kyyba Health & Life magazine, formerly known as Innovative Health Media.

Nicole received her master’s degree in Journalism at Roosevelt University in Chicago, and her bachelor’s in English with a Specialization in Writing from the University of Michigan-Flint.

In her spare time, she enjoys cooking, reading, yoga, and spending time with her partner, family, best friends, and fat senior kitty Squeak.

Featured in Kudos Magazine 7.1