That’s What Christmas Means to Me

Crackers and Turkey and gifts round the tree. Great Aunt Julie getting a bit too merry and Granda falling asleep almost immediately after sitting down. Carolling and mulled wine and ‘Santa won’t come if you’re bad’. We know Christmas when we see it, and it is coming into view at an alarming speed. Hallmark movies, Christmas songs and the all to famous, pull-at-your-heartstrings Christmas ads show us over and over what Christmas is all about, with resounding messages of love, family and generous giving. They show a big family sitting round a big table with a big turkey, everyone’s laughing and hugging and soaking up the joy. But what if that’s not what Christmas looks like for you? It can feel daunting and disappointing when you know you won’t be spending your Christmas day the way you are ‘supposed’ to, the way the adverts and the movies show.

For many people, the holidays can be more of a reminder of what they don’t have than what they do, and unfortunately, even though it is 2024, we still have people that aren’t so accepting. Many people that have come out as a member of the LGBTQ+ community won’t be sitting round a table with their extended, or even immediate family. Or they will, but it won’t be all smiles and is feeling quite intimidating right now. However, Christmas doesn’t have to look like what is on TV to be merry and bright.

We will start off with what Christmas can look like if nobody in your immediate family is on-board with who you are. Firstly, whatever way this makes you feel is okay. Some people may not care, they may think they are better off without people who don’t love them for who they are – and more power to them. On the other hand, for some people this will hurt, and hurt a lot. It will probably hurt even more at this time of year because they are seeing happy little nuclear families all around and even though their mum may not accept them, they miss her and all they want for Christmas is her love and support. Hold space for that if you need to, have a cry, mope for a bit, and then remember that you are amazing just the way you are and that she is not the be-all-and-end-all. There are lots of ways to spend Christmas that will put a smile on your face, and hopefully make you forget for a while. Friends Christmas is a great way to get you laughing and smiling round the dinner table and soaking up all the love. We know Christmas comes with a price, so don’t leave it all to the host – do a potluck and each make a dish or split the shopping. Do a secret Santa so everyone has a present to unwrap and bring a bottle of wine for the host, they are the ones that have to clean it all up on Boxing Day. If nobody fancies hosting – go out! There are plenty of restaurants that will serve you up a Christmas dinner with no cooking or cleaning required, plus you get to dress up fancy to go so it’s a win-win. If you are worried that all of your friends are already busy and even friends Christmas isn’t an option, you can still get into the giving and joyfulness of Christmas by signing up for a local volunteering shift at a community kitchen.

Another win-win as you get to not be alone on Christmas, you get to help those less fortunate, and you get to leave with a warm feeling in your chest knowing that you helped make someone’s Christmas a little bit better – and they in turn, maybe helped make yours a bit better too.

Not everyone has to spend Christmas away from their family because of who they are, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues. What if mum does accept you, loves you for exactly who you are and just wants to see you happy, but Dad disagrees. It can cause tensions not only with you being uncomfortable, but your mum may be feeling upset at your dad, and your dad at your mum and the whole family is feeling the tension and it’s all just a bit awkward. It is not on you. Don’t feel bad or blame yourself for causing tension within the family or making your mum stressed or your dad disappointed, you didn’t choose this – you are who you are and a bigot’s opinion doesn’t mean that you are the problem or have anything to feel bad about. What is more important is that you feel safe and okay within yourself. If you feel like going will be upsetting, infuriating or it’s filling you with dread, you can not go. Your emotions and/or emotional distress is not worth a bit of dry turkey and some flat prosecco. I know you may feel bad missing it because it may upset the accepting family members, but it is okay to be selfish sometimes – plus, you can use all of the options shown above. If you do want to go, but you also want to just have a nice Christmas you can lay down some boundaries such as no talking about love lives and no snide comments, or you can limit the day. You don’t have to stay overnight and wait for ‘Santa’ in the morning, you don’t have to stay and watch the King’s speech after dinner – you can limit yourself to coming over 10 minutes before dinner and leaving shortly after, keeping the accepting ones happy and your mental wellbeing intact.

Christmas is a time where lots of families join up, you may be used to having grannies and grandas and aunts and uncles and cousins and everyone else over for dinner and drinks and terrible games that were found in stockings. This can throw a whole other spanner in the works. For some, the parents and siblings are very accepting – didn’t even bat an eye when you came out because ‘we knew for years, we were just waiting for you to figure it out’. But did Great Granny Leslie know? Does she know now? It’s a bit of a controversial conversation, but mum may politely suggest not to tell her, she will die soon anyway, and she doesn’t want you to be on the receiving end of her religious rant and disapproving glares. Mum may have the right intentions here, and you might even agree with her that it’s more trouble than it’s worth and you don’t care much about her opinion anyway. It can still sting that you are being asked to hide part of yourself, or even if you came up with it yourself it can still be irksome that you even feel the need to hide who you are. You can decide that you don’t want to hide, attend anyway, deal with the rant and try to change opinions, or you can decide that skipping the bit when they come over is the lesser of two evils. Whatever decision you are happy and comfortable with is the right one. In these situations, in all of these choices if you decide to go knowing that it might not look picture perfect, go in with your armour on – not meaning go into battle and have a fist fight, but more metaphorically, protect your own mental wellbeing. Make sure you are armed with boundaries you are sticking to such as ‘I will leave if Granda tells me I am going to hell’ (you aren’t), or even simpler ones – we don’t talk politics at the dinner table, so we aren’t talking about love lives either. Additionally, make sure that you have an ally there – whether that is someone to fight for you, to stand up for you or even just to have a secret code with if it is getting too much. Somebody that knows to redirect the conversation, to take you to another room or give you a big hug and some reassurance if it all starts getting a bit overwhelming.

To the allies – be an ally. Don’t just sit there and allow it. Even if you are not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community yourself, you can empathise with how it feels to be in the hot seat, to feel a bit awkward in a social situation, to not be accepted.

So, hold some space for that, if your cousin is being bombarded with questions on who they are dating, or what gender they are now – redirect the conversation, educate the elders, stick up for them so they don’t feel so alone – whatever the vibe is in your family. Make sure they know that if it is too much you are happy to take a moment for a ciggie break with them even though you don’t smoke, that you have arms ready for a cuddle and ears ready for a rant. Let them know that they are wanted and loved and welcome this Christmas.

Whatever your situation, whatever your vibe – stay safe, protect your own mental wellbeing and whatever you get up to it will be the most wonderful time of the year.

By Megane Herrick