XAND

SANTA ONLY CUMS ONCE A YEAR?

It’s funny and somewhat ironic that I used to joke about the fact that Santa only came once every twelve months because now at the age of almost 50, I find myself getting the horn and wanting to jump aboard the masturbation station less and less to the point where I almost have to schedule in a wank about two weeks in advance. For example, yesterday I received a brand new bottle of my new favourite poppers Jungle Juice Gold Label Triple Distilled which I love as they last for about three months - I know right? Three months god dammit! Plus they don’t give me a raging headache like most poppers do these days. Ok so usually the postman comes… or rather pushes his package into my box - my letterbox.. you dirty bastard.. pay attention. I normally jump into action, tear open the cardboard faster than you can say Treasure Island Media, and have my cock in my Fleshlight, sniffing away, and trying my best not to shoot my load in five seconds flat! I normally last about 2 minutes on the first wank. I find it’s best to get it out of the way so I can enjoy a longer, slower session later that day, and sometimes even a third if I’m lucky. Several (hundred) years ago I’m sure I could have made it into The Guinness Book of Wank Records as my personal best (with the help of Tina Turner - if you know you know) was ten! Ten orgasms in one day! I know, right? Go me! I’m a very organised wanker. I mean I once bought a Universal Fleshlight Launch which is now broken sadly.

Suffice it to say I’ve invested a lot of money in my penis. I take this shit seriously! I download or screen shoot the videos that turn me on - usually anything with bareback, deep throat, handjobs, watersports, creampies, cum flying everywhere from giant Hollywood cocks, that sort of thing or German dudes with beards and tattoos fucking the life out of each other - the more manly the better really, and I love straight porn. I do. I just love it. I’ve been a vagatarian for a brief spell so I get turned on by men and women and everyone in between (I’m trysexual and an equal opportunities fucker) but mostly I just love big slippery cocks. I’ve gone off on a bit of a horny tangent here.. remind me what I was saying again? Sommat about a postman? Oh yes!

So, you get the picture. I’m very into masturbation! But yesterday when I received my poppers.. guess what happened? I couldn’t be arsed to wank! Nada. Nothing. Zip. I still haven’t. I mean I could I suppose but the horn just ain’t there! You know what I mean right? You know the difference between the times when your cock is just rock fuckin’ hard and you can’t think about anything else - those times when you could fuck a bottom in half!

And then there are the times when you want to wank but you can’t really get into anything and your dick looks like one of those dogs with too much skin or an inconvenienced hairless cat. And you just know that when you do cum it will be like when a Firework doesn’t quite light properly. Yeah. A damp squib moment. Your jizz just sort of resembles a melting ice cream on a hot day rather than Old Faithful in Yellowstone blowing high and wide and spraying you and the cats.

And this has been happening to me on a more and more regular basis. On top of that, I haven’t had sex in fuckin’ ages. I mean we’re talking years now folks and the thought of actually putting me dinkle in some dude’s love tunnel.. it would be nice.. but what would also be nice and a lot less fuckin’ hassle would be watching Series Three of Benidorm and eating that pizza that’s in the second drawer of the freezer. Ohh. I think there may be some chips in there too. And perhaps I didn’t eat all the Mars bars last night? Jesus. What’s happening to me? I used to be The Sperminator and now I’m turning into Roseanne Conner. If you’re younger than I am, google it.

I wonder what is in store for my poor penis in 2025? Will my ejaculations diminish even further? Should I just stop shaving my balls and turn into Jungle Jim? Am I all porned out? I can’t have watched everything? Can I? I mean I did start watching porn when your dad was in school! Think about that. I found out that I’m a Great Mother Fucking Uncle now to some kid who I’ll never meet as my cunty homophobic brother no longer talks to me. It’s not that that side of the family are homophobic - Oh God noperish the very thought (he says rolling his eyes and thinking to meself that Denial ain’t just a river in fuckin’ Egypt) - I’m just the wrong kind of faggot apparently. If I was better dressed, and less sweary, and didn’t mention bum sex I’d be acceptable. But that’s another shitty Christmas story for another fuckin’ time! So my darlings, all that remains is for me to wish you a very Merry Fuckin’ Christmas and remember Jesus had twelve fuck buddies.. eh I mean disciples… so don’t be making those resolutions to be less of a Grindr whore.. you just keep on sucking those closeted married dicks into the New Year and enjoy yourself flower. x

Ps. Can I just add that I’m so proud of myself because in last year’s Christmas article, I believe I used the word cunt at least 27 times and this year I haven’t used it once! Oh fuck, shit, arse, cunt and bugger!

Oh well, I’ll try again next year. Sorry, Jesus!

Please note, this column is the opinion of the columinst and not that of GNI or Romeo & Julian Publiccations Ltd.