REAL LIFELauren

My name is Lauren, I identify as a trans woman and have been living as my true self since 2021. I am going to tell you my story of my journey of becoming Lauren and struggles of not just my past, but some of the general struggles that trans people encounter on a daily basis.

People have this misconception that I woke up one morning and decided that I was trans. I want people to know that it’s not a choice, nothing has happened in my life to make me trans. From an early age in my life, I always had a feeling that I was born into the wrong body, there are a number of different stages in my life that I felt that this was the case.

My earliest memories date back to my childhood around the age of 8-9, in my head I felt I was different. Living in a small rural area in Mid Ulster, change wasn’t accepted in the 90’s. Being gay was considered taboo, so identifying as transgender was a different level! Because of this, I did not have the confidence to openly seek help and I did not know who to talk to. This resulted in me conforming, as I thought this was the norm. As the years went by, during my teens, these thoughts and feelings never really went away, however there was still the struggle to openly talk about them.

Without going into details, here is an example of how I felt. I remember seeing other women in the flesh and even pictures of other women and I would get a sense of jealously. This feeling was overwhelming, due to what they were wearing, how they were presenting themselves, and the body. I remember on numerous occasions, my thoughts where I wanted to be like that. One of those was a Britney Spears, with the hot pants, crop tops, shoes and that was just the start. Some people would say, “ sure this would mean that you are a cross dresser and not transgender”. A cross dresser is someone who likes to dress up in the other genders clothing and that’s it. For me, how I wanted to present was one thing but what my body looked like added to this dysphoria as the years went on. The lack of chest and my genitals were areas that I really struggled with.

I was a difficult child to dress, and deep down inside, I was not wanting to wear what I was wearing. When I spoke to one of my closest friends, Stephanie, she had actually picked up on this from an early age. She noticed my trends, but wanted me to say it to her firstly, as she didn’t want to put words into my mouth. An example of this trend, was when I noticed what other women were wearing. I would show interest in the clothes/hair/bags whilst the other lads where more interested looking at their chest and bums.

My thoughts and feelings never really went away, yet I still struggle to open up about my true feelings, and this spanned over 20 years. Around 2015, is when my mental health started to take a real toll on me, and this carried on for some time. I was so wrapped up trying to hide my feelings, that I became someone that didn’t want to live. I visited my doctor, who tried to offer medication, which I knew wasn’t the fix. There were several trips to the doctor, and it always was medication that was offered. At this stage, I couldn’t even tell my doctor but did admit that I had deep inner issues that I needed to surface and sort. My GP referred me to a mental health therapist. This fight for help took some time and during this time, there were several times that I had thoughts to take my own life.

During my time with my therapist, Lisa at The Olive Branch, I spent around 7 months working on myself. I learnt different techniques and coping mechanisms, which helped me to allow myself to open up and admit that I felt that I was born into the wrong body. I felt I should have been born a woman, and my therapist was the first person that I openly admitted this to. As soon as I said it, it felt like I had lifted so much weight off my shoulders. During my time with Lisa, I talked a lot about a “Russian doll” that was hidden deep inside, and I struggled to pull out. I spoke with her recently and she recognised the challenges that I presented as a client. This helped her in her own journey as a therapist whilst she was able to provide guidance and support that I required.

What the process looked like in terms of transitioning

I wasn’t 100% sure. Lisa admitted that, whilst they would love to help me on that journey, they felt that they were not in the position to offer this. The suggestion for further assistance was to reach out to the rainbow project, as they would be able to offer the support I needed.

I set off to refer myself into The Rainbow Project to continue my journey when it comes to understanding transitioning, this is where I met Elaine.

I had alot of therapy with my previous sessions, and working in conjunction with the project, meant I could focus on understanding what transitioning looks like, and how this could be achieved. I quickly learnt that whilst there were services offered on the NHS for this, these came with lengthy waiting times, which were not acceptable. Through Rainbow, I did learn that there were options to undertake medical treatment through two private clinics based in the UK. With this being private, the service does bring a cost.

Armed with more information I was able to start and put some plans together what a transition might look like, things like to name a few:

- HRT

- Laser Hair Removal

- Voice Coaching

- Fertility

- Surgery

- Name change - Therapy

For me I did not start transitioning until I was 32, and at that I have pretty much self-funded the vast majority of this. I do now receive my hormone medication through the NHS, but the rest is entirely self-funded.

I want to talk about some elements of my transition.

One key point is laser hair removal. I eventually found a place that took me on. My first appointment was with a lovely lady, called Carleen. She was so friendly and welcoming, and recommended a cream to get from my doctor or privately (at a cost of £80 a tube). This would help to slow the growth of hair on my face along with the laser. Armed with this info, I went off to speak to one of my GPs and I eventually got support from one for both obtaining the cream and supporting me in my transitioning journey. It is worth noting that not all GPs will have a level of understanding on transgender care and may not be as keen to support. If this is your case, try another GP in your practice and talk to them. This could be an easier solution.

The next thing that came was fertility, and this is what has presented the biggest challenge I had to process and accept; I will not go into the details, but I did investigate freezing some of my fertility should I ever want kids. In my case, and this was before I started anything, I discovered that I had no fertility. With some follow up tests, I was informed that I had no serious health issues, but I just had zero count.

Once the dust settled on fertility, it was then time to start the process and be seen by the clinic. The clinic would undertake assessments to allow me to start HRT to begin my feminization pathway. Due to the lengthy waiting times on the NHS, I decided I would go down the route of one of the private clinics as this helped to access treatments somewhat quicker at a cost. The process to accessing HRT required assessments to be carried out to understand fit to consent to start the process. The team I worked with were very friendly and guided me on my pathway, this is an ongoing journey.

It is worth noting that going on hormones from Male to Female will not do everything, careful research and homework is required to understand what can and cannot be achieved. For the things that can’t be achieved by hormones, what is out there to help you will require further research.

One area that I did work on before starting the medical side of things was the training of my voice to make it more feminine. I found a coach, the lovely Sophie, who I still work with. She is helping me use natural methods to help change the pitch and tone of my voice, and since I have started this, I have noticed the tone of my voice has gotten softer and that the pitch is work in progress.

One of my early career aspirations was to be a hairdresser but I never had the confidence to take the step to do this. Eventually in 2021, I decided to undertake a night class in level 2 hairdressing which lasted 2 years. I am now qualified in this and delighted I took this step.

One other area that I was keen to take up was pole dancing as I was always interested in the fitness side of this. I started this towards the end of 2020 where I was first introduced to the gorgeous Rydenwilde (Cailin) who first trained me, this training took place in Polercise which is ran by El. Along my pole journey I have came across many different amazing people, too many to name.

My support network has been key in my journey and continues to be very important and this is important to have, I want to spend a little time talking about the support network I have.

Those that have been in my support circle for some time (people like Stephanie, Kirsty and Tara to name a few) but after the lockdowns and when offices begun to open, I was introduced to a person at the front desk of Kainos called Jess. I never imagined how close we would have become. Jess has supported me whilst I have made some pretty big decisions in my transition, and she has been there when times got hard as well as being there at the good times. One time was when I received news that I had no fertility, therefore I was unable to preserve anything in order to have a kid later on in life. This at the time was a hard pill to shallow however Jess was on hand to help pick me up, dust myself down and move forward.

There are other individuals in my work life that also have been very supportive of me. One to call out is a customer of mine, and his name is Paul. I opened up to Paul about my choice and he was delighted for me based on his own experiences of being the parent of a kid who was also transgender.

The changes are slow, but they come at their own pace, you must allow yourself time to grow and develop. However, you must be aware of the mental impact that transitioning can have on a person. Due to the nature, transitioning is one of the hardest things a person can do and it’s of real importance to have the correct support in place.

Coming next, I am looking at surgery and this is something I will likely have to go down the private route for as the NHS waiting times are quite lengthy. Surgery itself, can be quite expensive and if it’s something that you would like to support me on, please have a look for me on social media under my alias name “blue champagne”.