REAL LIFE - CATHAL KEENAN

REAL LIFE

BULLIED AND TORMENTED

CATHAL KEENAN

Lets start at the beginning my very first ever school picture when I was young and innocent at just age five. I was such a happy child I had two loving parents and a little sister at that time, my siblings where due to follow, my first school was in Clady in Portglenone where my father is from, I can remember being so excited I was getting to go to school I was a big boy now and was elated I would be getting to make new friends etc. Growing up in the countryside was amazing so much beauty and greenery. I can vividly recall mum and dad running the local post office at the time in Portglenone our house was huge with rooms everywhere and nothing but fields as far as the eye could

see to run around and play in. I remember catching eels in the river at the foot of our garden me and my sister we would catch them run up the embankment only to let them go and to watch them wriggle and find their way back to the water again of course this was hugely entertaining for us (the simple life). I use to love climbing trees or jumping hay bails that the farmer next door had nicely packaged up, I remember tearing lumps out of them as my trainers would catch on the plastic loops. I can recall my mother calling me in for my tea to which I would have to scarper down out of a tree or out from behind a hay bail to get my supper and settle down for the evening. Primary one was amazing I had met so many new friends some of whom I still speak to, to this very day, however this would all change when we moved to Coalisland where my mother was born and raised. I had started primary two in Coalisland and I remember being in the same class as my cousin which was great as we where extremely close back then, for the first few years at the school everything was great I was making friends left, right and centre particularly with the girls they all just seemed to naturally levitate towards me which was a great feeling, however primary year seven told a different story.

The bullying started and my entire world as I knew it had changed. At the time I didn’t see myself as any different from any other kid my age however it was clear that the boys did not like all the attention I was getting from the girls, it all started with name calling I would hear words like queer, faggot, bender, sissyboy, and Kathleen many of these words I knew nothing about or what they even meant but I distinctively remember feeling extremely hurt by them once I had found out the true meaning.

Kids can be so cruel to one another, I could only assume they where calling me such names as they where jealous from all the attention I received from the girls but of course I wasn’t sure at the time.

By the time I had hit secondary school it had gotten worse the bullies had now resorted to violence and physically laying their hands on me, I was tortured day in and day out to the point I used to skip school (known as midging back in the day), I was petrified to go to school to receive any kind of education as the teachers didn’t seem to care what happened to me - I felt truly alone.

I can vividly remember making my way to the canteen to go get my dinner one day, I was minding my own business when all of a sudden four guys who where older than me violently attacked me whilst three school teachers stood at the top of the steps and watched it almost felt like they where taking bets against me to see what would happen, at least that’s how it felt when I look back and reflect on the scenario. I wasn’t even half way through my third year, this was the day I walked out of that school never to return again. My poor mother had went to see the principal about the matter and nothing was resolved, so my mother took action and decided to pull me out of the school entirely to which I was home schooled for the rest of the semester before starting another new school where I would finish out my fourth and fith year. I was closely watched and guarded in my new school for obvious reasons by the teachers here, and for those two years the bullying was nowhere near as bad. Yes I had the odd comment thrown at me but at least the physical abuse had stopped, but by this stage my mental health was suffering - and suffering bad.

I will never forget being made feel so utterly worthless and humiliated that I genuinely wholeheartedly did not want to be here anymore, as painful as it is now to write these words I can recall going to my mothers medicine cabinet and taking every single solitary tablet I could get my hands on shovelling in handfuls at a time I wanted to be gone I wanted my pain and suffering to be done I wanted to end my life, this would be my first attempt but would not be my last, I sat by the well at O’neills (known as the wellpad) at the foot of where I lived at the time just waiting to die, the next thing I remember is waking up in hospital.

I can remember being so upset that I hadn’t succeeded as I knew my pain and anguish was still ongoing, but I seen the hurt in my mothers eyes and had agreed to go to counselling I wanted to ease my mothers pain and hurt as she was suffering also!

This was short lived. I can remember three of my close friends actually saving my life shortly after my stint in the hospital for attempting to end my life, I had been accused of kissing a girl who was at the time the girlfriend of one of the hurling players here in the town. This story was completely fabricated up out of thin air in order for these boys to attack me, 16 of them cornered me in the mill court entryway, where I was taking a short-cut through to go home. Every one of these lads had a hurley stick in their hands and repeatedly attacked me knocking me to the floor and rendering me unconscious, only by chance my three friends where passing by, they had to claw their way through the crowd that was attacking me and lead me to safety.

“I WILL NEVER FORGET BEING MADE FEEL SO UTTERLY WORTHLESS AND HUMILIATED THAT I GENUINELY DID NOT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.”

I was hospitalised and severely concussed, I had to spend two nights in observation, the police where contacted but of course yet again nothing was ever done about it. This would happen to me on a regular basis, one week I’d have a broken eye socket the next week it was a broken arm, the week after that it was my nose - to which none of my attackers where ever held accountable, lack of evidence I would hear every single time even though I had eye witnesses to attest each time this happened. I was living in turmoil, living in fear I couldn’t step out the door that someone somewhere wanted to attack me.

My mother and father used to have to ship me off to my Nan’s house in Portglenone every summer just to keep me safe.

I can still to this day remember cutting my wrist and how it felt in order to bleed out in a hot bath I had ran for myself, I wanted to go I was ready to go, the feeling then was very much that everyone else wanted me gone also this was my thinking but I was wrong and I see that now!

in 2011 on the 3rd of may my mother took her own life. That morning before I received the dreaded phone call I somehow already knew, strange as it sounds I knew she was gone. There was an eerie silence in the air, a calmness ,it was so bizzare. I felt our bond was severed, I had lost my best friend and my unconditional love that day. My BACKBONE, my mother...

In this very same year I lost three of my friends here in Coalisland to suicide. I genuinely believed that there was something in the water, it was truly horrendous

Just two years ago I lost my true love. We were deeply in love, so much so he left Dublin to come be with me. We did everything together. We were building our life together, we had made so many plans about the things we where going to achieve as the next big power couple. We often laughed about it. I remember the very day we went to go collect our baby Bella from his hometown Newbridge in County Kildare, we were so excited I can remember him calling his beautiful sister and yelling with excitement about the name we had chosen for our four legged fury friend. They are very alike and think similarly, at the exact same time that we announced her name as Bella she said it too. Oh how we all laughed over facetime, this is a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I often find myself thinking about him, I miss his random waking up at 3am to take a swig of his Diet Coke and a handful of sweets before drifting back off to sleep again lol, he was such a character and a pleasure to be around always made me smile always had “JUST TWO YEARS AGO I LOST MY TRUE LOVE. WE WERE DEEPLY IN LOVE, SO MUCH SO HE LEFT DUBLIN TO COME BE WITH ME. WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE WERE BUILDING OUR LIFE TOGETHER, WE HAD MADE SO MANY PLANS ABOUT THE THINGS WE WHERE GOING TO ACHIEVE AS THE NEXT BIG POWER COUPLE.”

me in a wrinkle for laughing. He had a great way with words and making me feel good about myself. I deeply miss him, but I talk to him often in my prayers and I know he hears me as does my mother and my friends.

Writing these words down has been extremely helpful in helping me to heal and come to terms with all of my loss and hurt throughout the years. I can categorically tell you now for a fact it is way better to write your feelings down and go through the emotions and understand your feeling as opposed to bottling them all up, I guess the reason for telling my story is to help others who have struggled in a similar way to myself to let you know that there is light

at the end of the tunnel.

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and suicide awareness, I want anyone who reads this to realise there is help out there even if you think there is not.

For me I find being in a creative environment helps me to cope, however everyone differs. For me personally I love music therapy, nature therapy, art therapy, meditation but my ultimate tool I use is to write it all down in my journal which helps me when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. It helps me process my thoughts one by one and go through the emotions as I am writing them, I want you to know that this helps just try it and see for

“I WANT TO RAISE AWARENESS ON ISSUES LIKE MENTAL HEALTH AND SUICIDE AWARENESS SO THAT ANYONE WHO IS STRUGGLING CAN BE SIGN-POSTED TO THE RIGHT PLACES AND PEOPLE.”

yourself.

At the moment my new project that I helped co-find is volunteering a lot of my time for Mid Ulster Pride and helping my rainbow community out where needed. As an LGBTQIA+ member myself I am deeply concerned about my fellow companions, my aim here is to reduce isolation within our rural communities in a celebration of love and belonging for all.... I want to raise awareness on issues like mental health and suicide awareness so that anyone who is struggling can be sign-posted to the right places and people, my rainbow family continue to support me in all aspects of my life I just want to repay the favour in any way I can.

So now its’ all about living for the moment with me and embracing each day as a gift, uplifting others and celebrating life.

CHECK OUT OUR NEW CLINIC

> Anti Wrinkle Injections

> Dermal Fillers

> Skin Treatments

YOUR AESTHETIC JOURNEY STARTS HERE Tanya Khan Aesthetics is a professional aesthetic skin clinic in Belfast, providing advanced cosmetic injectable treatments, non-surgical procedures and high quality skin rejuvenation to enhance natural beauty and restore confidence. Your safety is of paramount importance which is why there is a strong focus on scientifically researched treatments, continual professional development, client education and high ethics.

ABOUT TANYA KHAN I am a fully qualified theatre nurse with over 13 years’ experience and have been working in the field of aesthetics for over a decade. I am trained by the best names in the industry of aesthetics and I continually update my training by attending regular conferences on new innovate techniques and the latest treatments on the market. I understand that the prospect of having an aesthetic treatment can make some people feel anxious, that is why I’ll be with you every step of the way… My clinic creates a tranquil, welcoming environment where we discuss your aesthetic goals and put a plan in place to help you achieve them. The client and their well-being is my number one priority, from the moment you book in for a comprehensive one-to-one consultation, during your treatment process and right through to your after care and review.

Offering a wide range of treatments including anti-wrinkle, dermal fillers and skincare.

Visit my website for more information. Many before and afters pictures can be found on my Facebook and Instagram pages.