KATE OFF OF MISSTIQUE

DATING IN LOCKDOWN

LET’S NOT PRETEND THAT DATING before the lockdown wasn’t weird. Think about it. Stage One: you both like each other enough to agree to an interview. Stage Two: tense relationship interview ensues where both parties attempt to determine the fitness of the other for ‘mating’, switching between interviewer and interviewee to ascertain: Are you mental? Is your ex mental? Are you doing anything at all with your life? Do you like eating cereal and watching Tiger King in your underwear? Do I physically repulse you, etc etc. Stage Three: the one who’s holding out becomes sufficiently comfortable or at ease with the other – i.e. pissed – to dispense with the central criteria entirely. You crawl into bed together for a (hopefully) above average bone storm or fish frenzy. It stops being weird, you stop dating. You are now in that happy category of people who can shout ‘It was Carole Baskin!’ whilst peeing with the door open.

This of course is THE BEST case scenario, assuming your contrived ‘getting to know you’ dates have gone well and your potential paramour is not a psycho or, God forbid, DUP. But imagine the hellish universe where you are perpetually suspended in that most awkward phase – the ‘what’s your favourite colour’ phase – forever and ever in an interminably polite online chat window.

I feel you. It’s awful.

You may be tempted to say, sod the regulations and, liberally dousing yourself in perfume and hand-sanitizer, arrive on your date’s doorstep to take things to the next level; ‘MY pants are pink what colour are YOURS’. And to you I say – that is illegal – but also, more seriously and sadly morally wrong. It’s all fun and games until someone ends up on a ventilator.

SO WHAT ARE YOUR OPTIONS?

1. GO ON DATES – ONLINE It’s hard to make that preserve of remote business meetings and distant family gatherings – the online video call – feel intimate. Drinking a glass of wine or slurping a plate of spaghetti together can help create a ‘date’ atmosphere – but there are all kinds of ways to go out while staying in. You can tour art galleries, stream plays and musicals, even meditate and exercise – all from the comfort of your own home.

Of course, you could also wrap yourself in clingfilm and scream into the void – but that’s not likely to make the best impression, is it? Try washing and knowing which day of the week it is instead. https://www.louvre.fr/en/visites-en-ligne http://ntlive.nationaltheatre.org.uk/ https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

2. HAVE SEX – ONLINE You might think it’s gammy and not the real thing, but if you fancy each other and you would feel comfortable getting naked, online sex – minus the lags, ads and looming threat of malware – can be good craic if you give it a go. Resist sending pictures and videos and keep it ‘live’ – you can disable recording permissions on most platforms and operate on a ‘tit for tat’ basis. Or tit for twat. Whatever floats your boat.

Toys, masturbating and saying exactly what you’re into will probably get things going. And if it doesn’t you can always say ‘byeee’ and get a Pornhub Premium free trial and top vibe from Misstique online to sort you out. https://www.pornhub.com/ https://www.misstiquebelfast.co.uk/contact/

3. HANG WITH FRIENDS – ONLINE Out in the pre-lockdown world, getting your friends to meet (i.e. judge) your date felt like an essential service. But they can still give a prospective partner the once-over online. A pub quiz – especially one created by the two of you – will give your cronies the chance to see you as a couple in action. Try kahoot.com for enjoyable, user-friendly formats. https://kahoot.com/

4. SELF-CARE – IRL Pandemics are stressful. Very stressful. And dates – especially the early ones – are probably the wrong occasions to express your immense Coronarelated angst. So look out for number one doing whatever it is you need to do to survive. There’s been a lot of productivity porn out there (my least favourite kind) insisting those of us staying at home should be using our ‘free time’ to somehow better ourselves – learning the oboe, practicing Spanish, making sourdough starters etc etc. That’s all very well if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow or very very very rich. For most of us mere mortals, not fainting every time we hear the six o’clock news is an achievement.

So for the love of dogs, go easy. We’re experiencing an unprecedented, once-in-a-lifetime health crisis of global proportions. It’s scary. If you’re following the rules and staying alive, you’re doing great!

(And if your date puts any pressure on you to achieve anything at this time, chuck them and go on chat roulette immediately.) https://chatroulette.com/

5. I LOVE THEM BUT IT’S A PANDEMIC - IRL Your date may be very nice indeed but they are not the only human in the world who will ever exist ever. This isn’t ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ and whilst the exceptional circumstances may seem romantic in reality they suck. Really suck. So slow down. Try not to project on to someone you probably don’t know very well – and go on dates. Find out who they are gradually. That’s what dates are for.

6. I DON’T LIKE THEM BUT IT’S A PANDEMIC – IRL/FML Sometimes pressure makes things very special, transforming them into diamonds, or coal or really cool fossils. And sometimes pressure just crushes things into nothing, transforming them into… nothing.

If your dates are beginning to feel a bit nothing-y, and you dread your interactions with your lockdown lover, don’t delay, follow that gut feeling and dump them. It’s of course nicer to tell them in person, but you shouldn’t have to wait weeks or months to say ‘it’s not you, it’s Covid-19…’

ABOUT THE WRITER:

Kate works at Misstique and is seeing someone lovely – very occasionally, in the supermarket, from a distance of no less than 2 metres. She volunteers at Framewerk’s soup kitchen, plays a lot of online scrabble and thanks Our Lady every day for her magic wand.