The Great Flop

The Great Flop

A tragedy in five acts by Christian Lanciai

The characters :

Claudius, emperor of Rome

Annaeus Seneca, philosopher

Agrippina, Claudius’ last wife, Nero’s mother Nero, Caligula’s nephew, fifth emperor of Rome Britannicus, Claudius’ son Poppea, Nero’s second consort

Burrus, general

Petronius Arbiter, Nero’s arbiter of tastes Sporus, neutered homosexual Tigellinus, chief of Nero’s bodyguard

Christians: Peter Linus

John Paul Luke, doctor Marcus

Paulina, Seneca’s wife Silvanus, a tribue Eunice, Petronius’ mistress Dadda, Nero’s old nurse an old lady guests and friends of Nero soldiers and messengers three senators people of the street

The action takes place in and around Rome from 53 to 68.

Copyright © Christian Lanciai 1991

Claudius Good day, Seneca.

Seneca Good day, Claudius

The Great Flop Act I Scene 1.

Claudius I have called you here to hear something about my stepson’s progress in his studies.

Seneca I am afraid he is not an easy student to tutor.

Claudius I can well understand that. And that’s precisely why I made you his tutor, so that he would at least learn something.

Seneca I am sorry to say that you gave me the hopeless task of managing a hopeless case.

Claudius And his grandfather.

Seneca His grandfather?

Claudius Yes, Caesar Augustus’ ruthless executioner.

Seneca I didn’t know.

Claudius That executioner was at least better than his son. But I have heard that my stepson anyway succeeded in learning Greek.

Seneca Yes, that is the only bright spot. He has fallen for Greek with everything it imports, and he has even started to have a craze about the Greek culture with its theatre, poetry and art.

Claudius I was hoping for something like that. Not even the deepest sunken into vice and vulgarity can ever lose his entire humanity. So there must be hope even for a Nero. And he has taken an interest in Hellenic culture. That sounds promising. Well, Seneca, what do you think of that boy as my possible successor?

Seneca I would not advise Caesar to make a Nero a Caesar.

Claudius Why?

Seneca I will in that case not be responsible for the consequences. His selfindulgence can hardly be controlled by anyone. Also he is just your stepson. How could he have precedence to Britannicus?

Claudius My wife keeps nagging at me to give her son precedence to her stepson. That is understandable. And you know about my special problem with Britannicus.

Seneca I can’t understand how you could ever doubt your own fatherhood.

Claudius His mother was Messalina. We all know what Messalina was good for. She betrayed me with hundreds of lovers. That makes the chances a hundred to one that I would not be Britannicuis’ father.

Seneca It’s Agrippina and her son who live but to worsen Messalina’s bad reputation in order to get Britannicus out of the way.

Claudius But Agrippina is right. Messalina did have a dubious lot of lovers.

Seneca Claudius, you asked for my advice, and I gave you an answer. I can’t recommend my student for your successor.

Claudius Since you are a pessimist who can’t believe anything good about man.

Seneca I know Nero. I know Rome, and I know man.

Claudius So do I. (lowers his voice) The risk is that they will murder Britannicus if I give him the power. All I want is for him to live at least.

Seneca If you for that reason only allow Nero to become Caesar, you allow goodness to surrender to evil.

Claudius You know my republican inclinations. I would rather abolish the empire completely. Already the first Caesar was one Caesar too much. That’s why it gives me pleasure that your student has been captured by the Greek ideals. I sincerely beg of you to in any way possible encourage my stepson’s studies in Greek democracy.

Seneca I will be glad to. That is perhaps the only creative thing I could do for him.

Claudius If we are lucky, neither Britannicus nor Nero will become any Caesar while both at the same time could survive without any urge to fight each other.

Seneca Such an ambition would bitterly be fought by a certain person.

Claudius Who?

Seneca Caesar’s wife and Nero’s mother.

Claudius Yes. She is the problem. But how could I possibly avoid her? I am married to her, you know.

Seneca Yes. Unfortunately not even Caesar is above the natural urge of the human body.

Claudius And that could mean the end of Rome

Seneca Farewell, Caesar.

Claudius Farewell, Seneca. Thanks for our conversation. Seneca I am the one obliged for that honour. (leaves)

Claudius Nothing to thank me for, since I am already dead, despized by the world and especially by my wife. Why then did I marry the sister of Caligula? I thought she could be better. When our city, our empire, our family and the whole world are completely consumed by violent and reckless evil, which is the male passion, I thought there could be something good in woman, or else there would be nothing good in all humanity. Women certainly appear to be lovable sometimes, but that is all. My first wife fucked all Rome to deceive me, and Agrippina, whom I actually loved, will do anything to take the life of her husband the emperor to make Nero the emperor of Rome instead. Nowadays I don’t care what will happen to Rome. Already Augustus had every reason to curse his entire family, and after him we had Tiberius and Caligula as imperial monsters and me, the anticlimax of history, the village fool on the throne, the pitiful, the crippled, the stammering and limping Claudius, the most ridiculous of all emperors. But perhaps Nero could be even worse. It’s a pity, because I think Britannicus with his talent could have proved a competent and noble emperor. But the case is probably that Rome deserves no better emperor than Nero. It will be as the gods please. We have nothing to add anyway despite all our initiatives against the inscrutable ways of destiny. Whatever is, is right, as the mother said before she lost her only son. She said that also afterwards, but she hadn’t got any wiser. Neither will Agrippina get any wiser when her son becomes emperor at the cost of the world and Britannicus, but that is not my problem. It doesn’t matter if Rome goes to perdition, for it will perish anyway, since it ruined itself as a republic, and I was not permitted to reintroduce democracy. So blame yourself, poor Rome, and enjoy your time with mad Nero if you can. At least he will know how to be an actor. (retires)

Seneca My lady, I am sorry.

Agrippina Don’t blame me.

Seneca I don’t.

Agrippina I always warned Claudius against having too much mushrooms.

Seneca We all know his problems of his intestines and wind.

Agrippina You were lucky, Seneca, not to be married to him.

Seneca He once said marriage was a poison.

Agrippina Don’t mix poison into this. Our marriage was poisoned by his farting all the time. His doctors told him severely that he must not keep it in. As a consequence, instead of farting himself to death, he died by the press and stresss of keeping it in.

Seneca Was it that simple?

Agrippina Yes, it was that simple.

Seneca It almost sounds banal.

Agrippina It was more than banal. It was shabby.

Seneca So he died like he lived.

Agrippina (flatteringly) It pleases us, Seneca, that you share our mind, since you are trusted as the only tutor of my beloved son. Wouldn’t it now be proper to let him with his superior mind be crowned emperor?

Seneca But Britannicus....

Agrippina (hard) Don’t mention Britannicus!

Seneca I never mentioned him.

Agrippina (soft again) Naturally it’s obvious that Britannicus is the only thinkable candidate for the purple, but consider then how young and inexperienced he is! Couldn’t Nero be emperor just enough until Britannicus would get mature enough?

Seneca Nero is only seventeen.

Agrippina (hard) But overqualified! And Britannicus is just thirteen!

Seneca I admit it is rather young.

Agrippina Who could ever take an emperor of thirteen seriously? That would pave the way for another Caligula!

Seneca No one wants another Caligula.

Agrippina (soft again) Don’t forget, Seneca, that Nero is the son of the daughter of Germanicus! And he is more like Germanicus than anyone else in his family!

Seneca I think he is more like Mark Anthony.

Agrippina And wasn’t Mark Anthony the very noblest of all Romans? Didn’t he give the most splendid speech ever at the bier of Julius Caesar? Wasn’t that speech alone what crushed all the enemies of the empire?

Seneca I admit there is something in what you say, lady Agrippina.

Agrippina (hard again) So Nero must be Caesar! Is that clear?

Seneca My lady, you seem far too determined in that matter for any other imperial candidate to stand any chance.

Agrippina Exactly! We can return to the question of Britannicus’ installment when he gets older.

Scene 3. A party to the honour of Britannicus.

Nero (cordially) I have the honour, Britannicus, on your fourteenth birthday! Britannicus I thank you, Nero, for remembering it.

Nero (embracing him) Would I ever forget the birthday of my only half brother! Britannicus How do you know I am your half brother?

Nero The whole world knows it!

Britannicus Still you and your mother are spreading rumours that I would not be the son of Claudius.

Nero Me and my mother? You are joking, Britannicus! I have no idea how such rumours could be spread and from where! (severely) If I hear such a false rumour anyhere around me, that calumniator shall be flogged! (to the boys) Are you agreed, my friends? the guests Yes! Yes!

Nero Who has ever heard anything like that? Could Britannicus possibly not be the son of Claudius? The old rogue, who had such a weakness for women that he even fell for my mother! Ha-ha-ha! (makes the others join his laughter) Wasn't old Claudius even so efficient a lover that he inspired his lovely Messalina to copulate with all Rome! Ha-ha-ha! (makes the other guests join his laughter.)

Britannicus It is not funny, Nero.

Nero Isn't it, dear half brother? I am so sorry. You are the one who at any price must be pleased today, since it is your birthday, my beloved brother Britannicus! (wants to embrace him again, but Britannicus repels him.)

Nero (maliciously) I only mean well, Britannicus.

Britannicus That is what I doubt, Nero, when you mock my mother. I did never mock yours.

Nero (cordially again) But I was only joking, Britannicus. Wasn't I, my friends? It was just a joke, wasn't it?

The guests Of course! Of course!

Nero You are too serious, Britannicus. You aren't used to gay parties and not even to sober parties. You have been sitting too much indoors getting too much bored by your old books.

Britannicus Aren't you studying yourself, Nero?

Nero Yes, but only with old Seneca. Ha-ha-ha! (makes the others join his laughter) Britannicus It isn't funnny, Nero.

Nero Is that all you can say? (mimics him) It isn't funny, Nero! You should be grateful, Britannicus! You are the guest of honour! You are the one we all are celebrating!

Britannicus To the degree you really wish to honour me I thank you, but I really didn't ask for it.

Nero What do you ask for then? It is your birthday, Britannicus! You may wish for whatever you want! I will grant you any wish whatever!

Britannicus How could I believe you, Nero, when you so far only has taken everything away from me, including my father's kingdom?

Nero You said yourself just a moment ago that there were doubts as to who was your father. Ha-ha-ha! (makes the others join his laughter.)

Britannicus Nero, this party is not dedicated to my honour. You gave it only to have fun at my expense.

Nero I can always go home to my mother, but you can't, Britannicus, for your mother is dead! Ha-ha-ha! (makes the others join his laughter)

Britannicus You are drunk, Nero.

Nero But you aren't, and that's what's wrong with you. Drink, Britannicus, before you go home to your dead mother! Or at least read us some poem before you leave.

Britannicus Would you really like to hear me read a poem?

Nero Certainly, Britannicus! That's why we are all here! (aside to some of the guests) He knows nothing about poetry. We will have a great entertainment!

Britannicus (rises) Then I would like to recite some casual verses. (All fall silent with great expectations.)

My father, you left me alone in a sea of darkness I wander alone towards an abyss, me, a son of Caesar, thrown out from my father's house and robbed of my position. I have nothing left of what you gave me, except my name and life, which I never intend to tarnish though. May those who try to make darkness denser and vice more vicious, who only live for greed and doing wrong priding themselves with stolen feathers have their vanity in peace and further their coruptions until they burst themselves from all their rotten blown up turgidity. I don't care about them, I decline their company and leave, I don't know where I'll go, but the main thing is that I don't get sullied by sharing or even sympathizing with their decadence and the self-destructiveness of their miserable tragedy. (silence)

A guest That was actually touching.

Another Bravo, Britannicus! You are right!

A third one He is right! He has been stolen of his father's inheritance and titles! en fjärde Long live Britannicus!

several Long live Britannicus! (many toast to the honour of Britannicus.)

Nero (accepting the trend) It was actually well put, Britannicus. I didn't know you had a dramatic talent. "The self-destructiveness of their miserable tragedy" - that's really sublime! Greetings, brother Britannicus, my most venerable colleague in the theatre! The two of us are the two greatest dramatic talents of Rome! (toasts him)

Britannicus Let me go now, Nero.

Nero Just a moment! Forgive me, brother, that I pulled your leg earlier on! We can't just let him go without having been decently honoured on his birthday, can we, my friends?

Several No! No!

Nero We must keep you, Britannicus, just a moment more! We must not let you leave here without satisfaction. Of course you shall be emperor! I am Caesar only until you get a little older. Today you are only fourteen years! Isn't that right, my friends? Of course we will all make Britannicus our only Caesar as soon as he gets a little older?

many Yes! Yes!

Nero Sit down, Britannicus, and have just one single drink with us as sweet as honey! Then you may go home to your old books. Look! Here is the cup! Britannicus Just one drink then, but then I will have to leave you.

Nero That's the spirit! Bring the cup! (A big cup is presented.)

Look, Britannicus! This is a divine brew made just for you to your honour on your birthday. It is the divine ambrosia itself of the gods which recipe we found I regret that your poison taster isn't here, Britannicus, but I will test the potion myself! Look! I am drinking! (takes a sip) Rather warm but good! And I live! Drink, Britannicus, and live!

(gives the cup to Britannicus, who drinks ) Britannicus (gets scorched) Fie! It's burning hot!

Nero Pardon me, Britannicus! I thought you could take what I could take! Well, get some cold water! (a servant pours some cold water in the cup.)

There, Britannicus! Now the temperature is tempered! Britannicus I drink then, my brother, to complete our botherly toast. (drinks. Removes the cup disgusted.)

It's rather bitter. (collapses sudddenly) (Everyone reacts.)

Nero (indifferently) Don't bother about him. He is an epileptic. Carry him out. He has had enough. (Some servants want to carry out Britannicus.)

A guest Pardon me, but Britannicus doesn't seem to be well. This is no epileptic fit. An epileptic usually raves and shakes and foams.

Nero Well then, I don't know what's the matter with him. Perhaps he is only playacting.

Another guest He seems to have passed out.

A third Then we'll certainly bring him about. (the guests try to wake up Britannicus.)

guest 4 He is dead.

several Britannicus is dead!

Nero (pretends being upset) Alas, o horror! It must not be true! My only brother! He must not be dead! My brother! My brother! (falls down to Britannicus and tries to help the efforts to wake him up)

Alas! He is dead! His heart has broken! What could then have caused such a fatal pain all of a sudden? Could he have suffered from unrequited love?

a guest Stand for the facts, Nero. You poisoned him.

Nero I? How? But you saw yourselves how I tasted his cup!

Another guest The cold water that was added afterwards.

Nero Would I have poisoned the cold water? Would I have wanted to kill my only brother? How could anyone imagine anything so brutal about me, Nero, the artist?

A third guest Come on, boys. Let’s break it up. (several leave)

Nero Are you then leaving me alone with this melancholy body?

A drunk guest You who are such a great poet, Nero, could recite an elegy now that he is dead.

Nero (immediately taking up the idea) My friends! A terrible tragedy has occurred! I am seized with the tremendous inspiration of the moment! Allow me to recite! (takes an actor’s position with his hand to his brow. Those guests remaining listen in tired boredom.)

Nero (reciting with constant rhetoric pauses)

Oh my! Alas! O horror! Time is out of joint! O cruelest of all fates! Alas, what an unendurable catastrophe! I just want to faint in my inconceivable sorrow and fade away in all my limbs, shaken as I am to the core, for the one very closest to me has departed! Alas, my own brother has brutally abandoned me forever! My brother! Come back! You were everything to me! The wole world is now unbearable to me! Nothing could ever give me joy any more, for you, my brother, was everything to me. I miss you so bitterly that I could cry! But a Caesar must not cry, for he is a man. But blessed is my mother, who is no more, for she doesn’t have to cry her eyes out for you now, poor brother, and for your life which now so lamentably has passed out.

Caesar has spoken. It is enough. (expects applause, but all remaining guests have one by one fallen asleep. Seceral now begin to snore.)

Nero (getting angry) Damned! Dumbbells! (angrily kicks Britannicus’ body, since it cannot wake up, and leaves in anger.)

Scene 4.

Seneca My mistress, you have called for me. Agrippina How does my son manage his studies nowadays, Seneca?

Seneca In his schedule there are less and less studies and more and more gladiator games.

Agrippina Has he completely ceased studying?

Seneca Yes, almost completely. Sometimes for amusement he reads some small Greek poem. That is all.

Agrippina I am worried about him, Seneca.

Seneca You should worry about Rome instead and its future, o mother of Caesar, for Caesar is only singing songs.

Agrippina Do you mean that he should marry and beget children instead, now that Britannicus is gone and the rest of the family extinct?

Seneca As Caesar he could at least rule

Agrippina Isn’t that what he is doing?

Seneca Yes. He is wasting the assets of the state.

Agrippina Seneca, I don’t care about Rome. I am not worried about Rome, I am worried about my son.

Seneca He is outrageously healthy I am sorry to say and offers no reason for any concern about his health.

Agrippina But he is courting Poppea.

Seneca Yes, he is in love with Poppea.

Agrippina And he has sent off Poppea’s husband for good

Seneca Yes, it is obvious that Nero wants to marry Poppea.

Agrippina (furious) That he must never do!

Seneca (after a pause) My lady, if he wants to, even you will hardly be able to stop him.

Agrippina If I cannot stop him, no one can stop him!

Seneca My lady, pardon my asking, but what is wrong about Poppea?

Agrippina (beside herself) She is beautiful!

Seneca (considers) Yes, she certainly is beautiful.

Agrippina She is not only beautiful! She flirts with him! She plays with him! She taunts him! She teases him! She provokes him!

Seneca My lady, pardon me, but is it proper for a mother to become jealous of her son’s sweetheart if he happens to be Caesar?

Agrippina His sweetheart! Thank you! Nero is mine! I made him Caesar! He owes me everything! I will never let him go!

Seneca My lady, pardon me, but if your son has to choose between you, he will probably choose the younger one for natural reasons.

Agrippina (in despair) Am I then not even beautiful any longer?

Seneca My lady, you were beautiful until Claudius died.

Agrippina (recovers) Seneca, your honesty will send you to the grave one day.

Seneca My lady, I never accused anyone of the death of Claudius.

Agrippina Your manner of speaking liberally is most dangerous to yourself!

Seneca I assure you, my lady, that no one ever suspected that Claudius’ last supper was poisoned…

Agrippina You imbecile prattler, shut up at last!

(Seneca is quiet.)

If you are my friend, you will get Poppea out of the way.

Seneca How?

Agrippina Anyhow! Drown her! Poison her! Spread intrigues! Abuse her to Nero! Seneca Then he will kill me, for he loves Poppea.

Agrippina Seneca, I warn you. If Poppea does not die, Nero will kill me. If he kills me, nothing will be able to save you.

Seneca But what are you saying, madam? A Caesar would certainly never kill his own mother?

Agrippina I know my son. Don’t forget that he is the nephew of Caligula and a Lucius Domitius, the worst executioners of Rome for several generations.

Seneca But he is the grand nephew of the emperor Augustus!

Agrippina Yes, but the husband of that sister of his was Mark Anthony.

Seneca And was not Mark Anthony a man of honour?

Agrippina Seneca, I have warned you. Don’t blame me afterwards.

Seneca But my lady, why such an anger? What have I done to you?

Agrippina (yells) I love my son! I want to keep him!

Seneca And for that reason you want to make me the murderer of Poppea?

Agrippina (calmly) Seneca, if you are concerned about Rome, tell Rome, that either Rome will kill Poppea, or else Nero will kill his mother and Rome.

Seneca (worried) My lady, it is absurd!

Agrippina I have warned you. Leave!

Seneca (to himself) I wash my hands. (leaves)

Agrippina (after him) How could an old philosopher become so piteously stupid!

Scene 5.

Poppea And you call yourself emperor! You are absolutely powerless, you dog!

Nero I am gladly your dog, Poppea, but no one else’s.

Poppea Still I am the only one you never gave any leash, while both your wife and your mother keep you with both leash and muzzle.

Nero Don't provoke me, Poppea. You know Octavia means nothing to me.

Poppea Why then are you married to her?

Nero (resigned) My mother married me to her.

Poppea If it was your mother who married you to her and not yourself, you will remain married to her as long as your mother remains alive.

Nero What shall I do?

Poppea Make love with your mother and make hate with your wife, like you always did, you milksop and slipper hero!

Nero But you are the one I love, Poppea.

Poppea It certainly does not show, since you prefer such wives who hate you, and your mother, who hates you most of all, ahead of all others.

Nero You are unfair, Poppea.

Poppea No, Nero. It's you who are a coward.

Nero Coward? Do you accuse me of cowardice, me, Nero Caesar?

Poppea Yes, you, Nero Caesar.

Nero Me? A coward? Impossible! You can't call me a coward, Poppea.

Poppea That's just what I did, for that is exactly what you are. You are the greatest coward of all Romans, and yet all Romans are cowards, and still Rome is the greatest city in the world. And they have got the emperor they deserve, who doesn't dare to marry the one he loves.

Nero I'll show them! I'll prove I am not a coward!

Poppea Do it then, baby bottom! Don't just stand there and flaunt your heroism until you've done something real instead of just compiling pathetic doggerel.

Nero What did you call my verses?

Poppea Your love verses to me, Nero, are meaningless as long as you haven't proved your love in action.

Nero (falls on his knees to her) I will compose the loveliest poems in the world to your honour, Poppea. Tell me what I must do to deserve your love.

Poppea Liberate yourself from your wife and mother and marry me.

Nero Would I murder my mother?

Poppea Yes, for she will never allow you to win as long as she lives.

Nero (to himself) Would I take the life of my own mother? She would never agree to that nor allow me to do it.

Poppea It's your funeral. Remain that mother's baby of a milksop then as a slipper hero and a powerless nonentity.

Nero Me powerless? You are blaspheming, Poppea.

Poppea You are blind if you can't see for yourself how your mother is governing you. She made you emperor just to reach the highest power herself! And it was only she who then insisted on doing away with Britannicus!

Nero You are right. She was the one who persuaded me to take the life of my own brother. She is my evil genius!

Poppea Punish her then.

Nero By Augustus' body, that's what I'll do! She has a right to die! She murdered Britannicus!

Poppea That's right, Nero. Now you are on the right course.

Nero Justice shall be made here! No one shall come here to say that Nero was a coward who refused to take his mother to court!

Poppea Bravo, Nero!

Nero The world shall behold my justice and wonder at my wisdom. The judge Nero shall do Britannicus justice! My mother shall die! And by the way, wasn't she the one who poisoned that old fool Claudius?

Poppea Yes, with mushrooms.

Nero She shall eat her own faeces and vomit! She shall crawl in the dust for me! In Nero's Rome everyone is equal in the eyes of the law, and she will not make any exception, even though she is Nero's own mother!

Poppea You are shaping up

Nero You will be mine, Poppea.

Poppea When?

Nero As soon as my mother is gone and I at last am the emperor of Rome!

Poppea And your wife?

Nero She as well!

Poppea What will she as well?

Nero She must be gone as well!

Poppea Throw her out then!

Nero Trust me!

Poppea Who can trust you, Nero, except your mother!

Nero It's enough! She shall die!

Poppea (calmly) Get going then. I don't believe it until I see it. (leaves)

Nero Poppea provokes me to madness! I can't bear that fop Otho who is her husband and whom she threatens to go away to if I don't marry her! But she will have it her way! She will be married to a mother killer! (leaves)

Act II Scene 1.

Seneca This so called student of mine is constantly just getting more bothersome. Now he wants me to assist him in the liquidation of his mother. This will not do! But what can you do? He is the emperor!

Nero (enters) So here you are, you old blackboard picture eraser! Well, what do you think of my idea?

Seneca (cowardly) Isn't it somewhat complicated?

Nero That's why it is so refined! I thought it out in its smallest detail! Nothing can go wrong! I can see her now how she sails away in all her splendour and retinue

on the gulf of Naples without suspecting anything! I managed to trick her! She heard about my plan from a traitor, but she refused to believe him! And now she is sailing there in lovely leisure, drowned in the flattery of all the world without guessing what a deep cold dip she will be downed in!

(enter a terrified soldier)

Seneca Caesar, I fear some bad news.

Nero (to the soldier) Why are you so terrified, you scarecrow? Have you dropped your pants?

soldier Hail, Caesar!

Nero Yes, yes, out with it! Just don't tell me some disaster has happened to my mother!

soldier Alas, Caesar, it was really close!

Nero (darkens) Just what do you mean, man?

soldier Alas, Caesar, there really has been a terrible accident!

Nero (somewhat calmed) That sounds better. Tell me!

soldier Alas, my lord, the weather was calm and fine when your mother left you in Bauli in her resplendent trireme, and no one suspected anything. Then suddenly the roof of your mother's cabin cracks up, and Creperejus Gallus is completely crushed. But that was not the worst of it.

Nero (lours) Did my mother make it?

soldier Alas, lord, there was a panic, and many on board wanted the ship to capsize, but fortunately they did not succeed…

Nero Confounded, what are you saying?

soldier Then all the oarsmen suddenly threw themselves at the side of the ship to make it turn over, but fortunately they were so clumsy that they did not succeed…

Nero O calamity! Don’t tell me they all made it!

soldier And then the rest of us could straighten up the ship again so that all on board could jump into the sea and get away from the disintegrating ship…

Nero It’s getting worse and worse.

soldier And then someone called: “I am Agrippina! Save the imperial mother!”

Nero Well?

soldier It was Acerronia, and she was immediately battered to death with oars and handspikes and trunk nails…

Nero And my mother?

soldier She came swimming ashore after a while with only a slight wound in her shoulder…

Nero (terrified) You don’t mean to say that she got away unscathed?

soldier Yes, almost completely.

Nero (beside himself) O gods! What a disaster!

Seneca (to the soldier) He is upset about the mortal danger of his mother.

soldier Obviously.

Nero What a ghastly and unfair destiny that persecutes me! What a fiasco! What a defeat! What a flop!

Seneca Caesar, be comforted. Your mother is alive.

Nero (to the soldier) Where is she now?

soldier She is safe in a villa on the shore, and all her faithful ones are arranging a party of joy to her honour for having made it. It’s only the presence of her beloved son that’s missing to make her joy of being saved consummate.

Nero That’s good. Get lost. (the soldier leaves.)

Seneca I told you it would not succeed.

Nero You prophet of evil! It’s your fault!

Seneca All you can do now is to conceal that you instigated the plot.

Nero Damn I will! A Caesar never backs down!

Seneca What will you do?

Nero I have no choice. She has to be disposed of by force. It’s just to send a company of soldiers to the villa and let them put an end to her once and for all.

Seneca Do you think it will work?

Nero Why wouldn’t it work? I am Caesar!

Seneca What do you think Rome would say about a Caesar who murders his own mother in flagrantia?

Nero It’s a political necessity! I’ll explain it’s about an intrigue against my life! She sent this soldier to murder me! Therefore she must be punished!

Seneca Do you think the senate will believe it?

Nero You, Seneca, will write a report on the matter. No one in Rome can doubt what stands in your name.

Seneca You ask me to write a public lie.

Nero (softly) Dear uncle Seneca, you were always my favourite teacher. You wouldn’t wish me any harm, would you? (hard) Do you have any choice? If you don’t justify my crime to the state you will yourself be complicit in the plot against my life!

Seneca So I have to choose between being your accomplice or your mother’s accomplice?

Nero Exactly! And if you prefer the latter you will be executed with her!

Seneca You give me no choice.

Nero That’s what I mean.

Seneca (sits down at his desk) I will write the announcement. But never ask me again to do anything for you, Nero.

Nero Not ever?

Seneca No, not ever.

Nero Then I have no use of you any more. Then you might as well die like all the others. (softer) You can’t be serious, Seneca. You are not that stupid. And mind you, I am Caesar. No one can resist the will of Caesar whatever he asks for. As long as I live and you are alive you will do what I want.

Seneca Within certain limits.

Nero There are no limits to a Caesar! There are no limits to Rome! I am a genius, and I own the entire world!

(Seneca does not answer. Nero leaves him and walks out.)

Seneca You are mad, Caesar, but rather entertaining as a pathetic fool and ridiculous dunce. Take yourself seriously as long as it works, Nero, but one day all nature will put a stop to it. (sits down and writes)

Burrus (to two of his soldiers) Try now to be as positive and cheerful as possible. Nothing must in the future cast any gloom over Caesar’s life, (to the audience) for those who remember Tiberius know, that a sourpuss face was quite enough a crime for an immediate subsequent death sentence and fast execution, even if that sour face wasn’t for serious. (to the soldiers) So keep smiling, soldiers, whatever happens!

Nero (enters after a sleepless night) Well miserable clowns, what news?

soldier 1 (offers friendlily his hand) We beg to congratulate.

soldier 2 What a relief to the world that you succeeded in avoiding such a peril! Imagine that a lonesome mother plotted against her own single son’s life!

Burrus The whole world rejoices with you today, Caesar, for the fortunate liquidation of the traitress! Offerings of gratitude and songs of praise are celebrated in every temple!

Scene 2.

Nero So you succeeded in killing mummy?

Burrus Yes, she is dead. Be happy, Caesar!

Nero How did it happen?

soldier 1 It was a simple operation. When we reached the villa all her servants escaped in panic, so it was just to walk inside and kill her.

Nero Did she say anything?

soldier 1 Naturally she made a little scene. Mothers always do, you know. She exposed her breast and said: ”Strike here!”

Nero Was her body very beautiful?

Burrus I assure you, noble Caesar, that her body was even more beautiful in death than she was in life.

Nero I would have loved to kiss it farewell.

Burrus You can’t lie with her any more now, Nero. We already burnt her up.

Nero (hard) That’s good. May her ashes lie unburied forever!

Seneca (enters) An embassy from the senate is here and wishes to know what has happened. You had better show you are in mourning, Nero, for the sake of appearances.

Nero Let them enter. They shall learn indeed what I feel about this horrendous tragedy. (the senators are allowed)

senator 1 We were appalled to hear, Nero, about your mother’s demise.

senator 2 There are rumours both about a shipwreck and a violent death ashore.

senator 3 What has actually happened?

Nero Alas, o world, cry out your pain unto death, for my mother is no more! She has departed in beatitude, and I am abolutely unconsolable! Alas, you ask me about the cause? Alas, it is far too gruesome to be true! Alas, my mother, why have you deserted me? Why didn’t you rather excecute your good intention to get me out of this world? Alas, noblest gentlemen, you can see how aggrieved I am unto destruction! I haven’t slept one wink tonight, for I have only been lying to loudly complain and deplore my mother’s outrageous treason! Can you imagine, that she sent her soldier Agernus here to kill me! When she learned that Agernus repented and confessed everything to me she took her own life! Alas, thus she has bestowed her last benefit on me! Alas, you good blessed mother, that you would take your life and leave me alone here on the tragic stage of this world!

senators (bowing their heads) We are very sorry, Caesar.

(The senators and soldiers comfort him.)

senator 1 (to Seneca) Are you the one who has written this letter go the senate in Nero’s name?

Seneca Yes, regrettably.

senator 1 Do you think the senate will believe that shipwrecked woman would have sent one single man with a sword to fight his way through cohorts and navies on the way to force himself through Nero’s bodyguards to take his life?

Seneca That is Nero’s version.

senator 1 You know very well that no one can accuse Caesar. But everybody knows that you have written the letter. (shakes his head) Ouch, ouch, Seneca!

Seneca I am sorry.

Nero What are you standing drivelling about?

senator 1 I just conveyed to Seneca the sincere sympathies of the senate with this sad situation concerning Seneca’s written report of the matter in Caesar’s name.

Nero Yes, isn’t it just too sad? Boo-hoo! My own mother! (pretends to be crying)

senator 1 May I ask, has the soldier to blame been punished?

Nero What soldier to blame?

senator 1 The soldier your mother sent to please you with the news that she had survived the severe shipwreck.

Nero Oh, the one she sent to kill me? Yes, he has already been executed. senator 1 Still he repented in front of you and could not lift his sword against your sacred body?

Nero (hard) It is true, but he had still been hired by my mother. senator 1 We thought she sent him just to gladden her son with the news that she had made it.

Seneca, the senate is satisfied and asks your leave to leave the house.

Nero Just get away, and leave me alone with my awful sorrow!

Seneca I think it would suit Caesar to be left alone with his indescribable grief. soldiers and senators Hail, Caesar. (bow and leave.)

Nero Alas, Seneca, without your moral support in this matter I would have had a nervous breakdown in my overwhelming grief!

Seneca I regret your mother’s fate, but even more I regret yours.

Nero Why?

Seneca Your mother alone made you Caesar. Now the whole world will do anything to bereave you of that title.

Nero It will never succeed!

Seneca It will try though.

Nero May it make that effort! It will never make it! I challenge you, world! Just try to do me harm! I am invulnerable, for I am divine! Yes, of all human beings I alone stand above all criticism, for I am the only true living God!

Seneca That’s good, Caesar. Go to bed. (leaves)

Nero I fear no one and not even Seneca. May the whole world turn against me, and I will just despize it unto annihilation! And it is not aware of how happy it should be for having a true artist for its emperor!

Scene 3. A splendid banquet. The guests are lying at table.

Seneca Well, my good Petronius, how do you like being in the employment of Caesar?

Petronius My good Seneca, you if anyone should know what an unpleasant feeling of insecurity such a responsibility imports.

Seneca It pleases me, Petronius, that you have a realistic view of the matter. Still you could probably feel considerably more at ease than I. Your job could be regarded as foolproof.

Petronius Yes, it is safe against all idiots except Nero himself. But I don't like the sudden promotion of that Tigellinus.

Seneca He is your only rival of Nero's favour. Only in comparison with his, is your position precarious, for your task is to cultivate Nero's better sides, while his is to cultivate his worst.

Petronius Do I stand any chance to manage at length, Seneca?

Seneca It depends on whether the artist or the beast in Nero prevails. I am for you. But if the artist loses, it's the end of both of us, dear Petronius.

Petronius Let's stick to the artist then.

Seneca I have no influence any more. You stand alone against Tigellinus and all the beastly sides of Nero. Nero also has all the power in the world to use as he pleases. Unfortunately the artist only has peaceful means, while the beast disposes of violence and all weapons.

Petronius But we have the intelligence.

Seneca Of what use is that if Nero is stupid?

Petronius I see the bad odds. Well, as long as the artist in Nero is alive there is hope. I wonder what he has planned.

Seneca We shall soon find out. Here he is now.

Nero (enters in a grand style) Blessed audience, rejoice with me, for I am going to marry! For years I lived for my longed for bride, and today at last we were united. What a supreme moment of bliss! Come forth, my loveliest bride, my fondest consort, you adorable better half of mine! (enter Sporus dressed up as a bride)

Petronius Who is it?

Seneca It's Sporus, who Nero neutered himself.

Nero At last, my dearest, we may share the matrimonial bed together! What joys we will share when at last we may enjoy the loss of our virginity!

Seneca Nero ravished him already as a boy.

Petronius Do you really think Sporus accepted Nero?

Seneca I don't think he had any choice.

Nero Sweetest bride! Loveliest virgin! Let the whole world know how much I worship you, how I adore your virginity, how I worship your angelic beauty and how I am consumed by longing to kiss your naked breasts!

One of the guests (who are generally enjoying the freak show) Say something, Sporus!

Sporus (stammers) Great Caesar, mighty Caesar, what else can I say than…

Nero That's enough! Did you hear it? She still loves me! My love has been answered! Alas, blissful wedding, what paradaisical happiness lies in wait for us!

Seneca (mimicking naughtily) What paradaisical happiness lies in wait for us!

Petronius He could hear you.

Seneca No risk. He hears no one but himself.

A drunk guest You must have made him pregnant already, Nero!

Another Have you already divorced Poppea?

Nero (merrily) No, only Acte and Octavia.

A third You are incorrigible!

Nero That's intentional! But what do you think about my bride? Isn't she beautiful?

the drunk We don't think he is beautiful unti you have demonstrated that he really has hanging breasts.

Tigellinus Undress her and take her virginity here in the eyes of everyone! We don't believe she is chaste until we see her virgin blood!

Petronius No, fie, Tigellinus! You don't with an imperial consort! Do you deny your own emperor his privilege of private sexual delights?

Nero Ha-ha! Bravo, Petronius! Tigellinus, since you are so eager yourself to see the bride's virginal blood, you will yourself have the honour of deflowering her in public!

many Ha-ha! Excellent!

one guest Step forth, Tigellinus, and prove yourself the ultimate lover! another Caesar is great in his grace to leave it to his bodyguard to deflower his own wife!

Petronius (friendly) Come forth, Tigellinus! Don't be afraid!

Tigellinus (with clenched teeth) No one shall ever have reason to say about Tigellinus that he was afraid! (comes forth)

Nero Welcome, my wife's dearest lover! You can't guess what pleasures are waiting for you! She saved herself especially for the sweetest of all lovers! Behold, Sporus, your closest friend for tonight! en gäst Grab her breasts, Tigellinus! another Kiss her coral lips!

Nero Fulfill your duty, Tigellinus!

(The coarse fully armoured Tigellinus has no choice, approaches awkwardly "the bride" and reaches for his mouth by his lips, when Sporus suddenly gives him a resounding slap. Tigellinus is indescribably embarrassed. Everyone is whooping for laughter.)

Petronius This is actually funny.

Seneca Yes, let's laugh as long as the games of the wild beast remain innocent like this.

Nero What are you saying, Seneca?

Seneca Nothing indecent.

Nero Why not? Everyone else is?

Seneca Have I offended you, Caesar?

Nero (hard) Seneca, you are an old fool!

(Everyone is terrified. In a moment the gay mood has transformed into tragedy.)

Seneca But Caesar, I am your old teacher! For fourteen years I tutored you, and I never put down so much effort on anyone else as on you.

Nero You always bored me, Seneca.

Seneca Still you overwhelmed me with the most generous and fabulous riches during all these fourteen years. I will return it all to you Caesar, whenever you wish! What do I care about abundance? I am an old man and don't mind dying a pauper.

Nero You are an old fool, Seneca, who always preached poverty, humility and modesty while at the same time you always gloated in money, power and honour. If you ever taught me anhything it was double standards.

Seneca Nero, everything I own is yours. Even my life is yours. Take it if you want to. Take back everything you have given me, but let us be friends.

Nero (his humour improving) Look how frightened he is! The old dried out mummy is trembling from fear and cowardice! Keep my friendship, Seneca, and keep your riches. You would do me a great disfavour if you gave everything back, for then it would be told about Caesar that he only gave to take everything back. If there is anything I detest it is chariness! If there is anything for which I would like to pass down in history it would be as the most generous emperor of Rome! Did I ever hold anything back? Was there ever any gap in my consistent generosity? many No, never.

Nero Keep everything you own, Seneca, and I will add to it your life.

Seneca I thank you for your limitless magnanimity, o Caesar.

Nero There is no need for you to act as a lackey. Be like Petronius, instead, be honestly and spiritually intelligent, so that we could get some pleasure out of you instead of being bored by your sourpuss face.

Seneca I can't help my face, o Caesar.

Nero At last you said something funny. No, you really can't help that you have the face of a pickle. (All roaring with laughter. Even Seneca shares the fun.)

Petronius (to himself) Yes, laugh, poor frightened children. When Nero has ruined Rome by his wastefulness and murdered all his friends including me and Seneca you will hardly be laughing any more even at Nero.

Nero (when he has recovered) Well, Tigellinus, what about that disgrace and wife of mine Octavia?

Tigellinus It gets worse and worse. Why the hell would you accuse her of barreness? That makes it impossible to accuse her of adultery.

Nero Well, but haven't you questioned all her servants?

Tigellinus I have done everything, Caesar.

Nero And what confessions did you get?

Tigellinus Caesar, the harder and more cruelly I tortured her servants, the more stubbornly they have refused to accuse her. They love her.

Nero Don't mention the word love in my presence! No one may love but Caesar!

Petronius Pardon me, Caesar, but that statement needs some clarification. No one can live without love.

Nero What I mean is that only those who love me may live!

Petronius That was the word I was after. Thanks for the clarification.

Nero You are welcome, Petronius. Well, Tigellinus, what do you intend to do to atone for your fatal failures?

Tigellinus I have done everything that can be done. We placed Octavia under surveillance in a villa in the country with the consequence that all the countryside came courting her, and all Rome bewailed her exile. It went so far that they started putting up her statues again on the Capitolium in the belief that Caesar had taken her back. Claudius' daughter is loved by the people, Caesar, and we haven't been able to find anything to accuse her of in the whole world.

Nero (out of his mind) Never mention Claudius! Never mention the people's love of her! I can't bear it! You have messed it all up most terribly, Tigellinus!

Petronius (amused to Seneca) I know one who could mess it all up even more.

Seneca Who?

Petronius Nero.

Nero We must have her charged with adultery. I will have to speak with Anicetus.

Tigellinus He who was commissioned to expedite Agrippina?

Nero Yes, he who killed mother. He shall be the one to have fornicated with Octavia. We will reward him handsomely afterwards.

Tigellinus You need more than fornication to disgrace Octavia to the people.

Nero So we'll have to make her complicit in political conspiracies as well! She will have to have seduced the prefect to get control of the navy! And then we add an attempted abortion to that. There must be evidence of her fornication.

Tigellinus And how does that fit the accusation of barrenness?

Nero We have to make it add up! There are no problems that cannot be solved by Caesar!

Seneca (to Petronius) Nero never could learn mathematics.

Petronius To a Nero all logic is superfluous.

Nero The case is clear, Tigellinus! Do your duty!

Tigellinus But what shall I do?

Nero It does not matter as long as she dies justly and legally!

Tigellinus I will try, Caesar.

Nero Just trying is not enough! So far you have only failed! You have to succeed!

Tigellinus I will do my best.

Nero You had better not mess it up this time, Tigellinus.

Petronius (to Seneca) Do you think he will succeed?

Seneca He can't fail. Octavia is far too honest and unprotected. She would gladly even die. She is only twenty years, never wanted to be married and least of all to Nero, she has grown up in a family of only murderers and happens to the worst of them, her stepmother herself marries her to him just to more certainly make him Caesar. The world is rotten, Petronius and has never been more so.

Petronius That will not stop it from becoming more so Seneca I doubt it, Petronius. Could it really get even worse?

Act III Scene 1. A street of Rome in the poor quarters. Chaotic street life with mongers, beggars, whores and so on. Peter appears as a stranger from abroad, rather confused, and stops by a house in an effort to find his bearings.

An old woman Move over, bloody sod! (throws garbage in the street, Peter barely avoids getting it all.)

Peter Pardon me, but isn’t this the place where Linus lives?

Woman (suspicious) Maybe he does. What do you want with him?

Peter He is the only one I know in Rome.

Woman (examines him) Yes, you go well together. You are equally daft both of you. (goes in) Linus!

Linus (from the inside) Coming! (comes out, a small ridiculous man)

Peter! At last! (presses his hand)

Peter How nice that you were still here! I was almost worried!

Linus Why?

Peter You never know with these Roman emperors. Weren’t the Jews terribly persecuted by the last emperor?

Linus Yes, but we are Christians.

Peter Yes, but the new emperor appears to be worse than the old one.

Linus (lowers his voice) Don’t speak about it. (more natural) But how lovely to see you again! And you look perfectly well and flourishing! And how is your mother-in-law?

Peter Alas, she died last year.

Linus I am sorry. It is too sad. All the old ones just keep dying. We are soon the only ones left, Peter.

Peter Yes, we and that trouble-maker Paul. He is on his way to ruin everything for us, Linus.

Linus Is it true that he is coming to Rome?

Peter Yes, he has threatened to do so.

Linus Goodness gracious.

Peter Well, how is John? Is he still here?

Linus Yes, he is someone we can trust. He is inside. He has been waiting for you a long time, Peter.

Peter (eager) Where is he?

John (comes out) Greetings, Peter.

Peter John! (they embrace)

John Did you have a difficult journey?

Peter Perfectly horrible! But now I am here at last! How is it going?

John It couldn’t be better. Our community is constantly expanding. Even noble and wealthy Romans have started to join us.

Peter We don’t need such people. Christianity is for the poor and simple honestly working people, who are keeping up the world.

John I thought Christianity was for everyone.

Peter Of course it is for everyone.

John Even Caesar’s new consort has shown us some interest lately.

Peter That sounds dangerous.

John So far it isn’t dangerous.

Peter The only people I ever feared in this world were those mad Roman emperors.

Linus Hush! Not so loud!

Peter Why not, Linus?

John Even Linus is afraid of Caesar.

Peter You don’t seem to fear him, John.

John He has done me no harm and no one else either that I know.

Peter But the last emperor caused us Jews a tremendous lot of harm, and the emperor before him was mad, and the emperor before that was an evil murderer.

John Yes, yes, Peter, but we will probably manage them in the end after all. The more evil and demented they are, the more our community will grow.

Peter Do you suggest that the progress of Christianity only depends on the madness of the emperors?

John No, of course not, Peter, but the world order will fall, the emperors will fall with it, and then Christian love will be ruler of the earth forever. I am just suggesting that the mad emperors will make the collapse of the world order quicker.

Peter Yes, and that’s just as well. Speaking of dissolution, have you heard anything from that upstart Paul?

John Yes. He has written to us. He will come here.

Peter God save us from that day! I wanted to come to Rome mostly because it was the only great city in the world which Paul hadn’t corrupted with his propaganda.

John Paul is a very learned man.

Peter That’s just what I can’t bear with! He never met the Master! Still he claims the right of a monopoly on the Master’s teachings while he just invents a religion of his own which has nothing to do with that of the Master!

John No one has got our church so many adherents as Paul.

Peter But in all those communities in which Paul has preached and got loads of followers I no longer find Christianity! Instead I find an intolerant fanaticism and revolutionary destructivity, which only desires to tear down the world instead of building it up! Paul is as megalomaniac as the Roman emperors! Jesus was human!

Paul isn’t human!

John Take it easy, Peter. He isn’t here yet.

Peter No, but he will come! And always remember that he started as our persecutor and the bloodiest murderer of the Christians!

Linus It is better, Peter, to have a sword like Paul in our service than to have him for our enemy.

Peter Then you might just as well have a Roman emperor for a leader! Don’t you see, that it is only fanaticism, politics, dogmatic hardness and autocratic tendencies that could harm our church! Jesus was no politician!

Linus (and John look at each other. After a while:) That’s good, Peter. Now get inside and have something to eat. You are tired after your journey.

Peter I haven’t been so tired during the whole journey as I already am now of Rome!

John (takes him by his shoulder) In time you will get even more tired. (They walk with him inside. The old lady comes out throwing more garbage in the street.)

Scene 2. Nero and Poppea with a baby girl on her arm.

Nero (faddles) Heigh ho and derry-o! Good golly miss Molly! Little daddy’s baby duck! Jolly Dolly Polly! Hey diddle-diddle! Little baby bum! You little bitch! Little goldilocks! Dear me! (etc.)

Poppea She is your daughter, Caesar, all yours!

Nero I am proud of you Poppea, as proud as of my divine little daughter! Do you think I dare touch her?

Poppea She is not yet used to any male company. Take care.

Nero Honey-bunny! Poor little thing! (caresses the baby’s cheek. She immediately cries out in terror.)

Nero (terrified) Oh dear!

Poppea (laughing) You need a child to scare Nero! Don't you dare to take care of your daughter, Nero?

Nero (mettlesome) No one will say that Nero can't take care of his child!

Poppea She must still get used to her daddy. Here, take her, Nero.

Nero But she is crying?

Poppea Then comfort her. (gives her over into Nero's hands.)

Nero (very embarrassed, blushing) Dear me! Upsadaisy! Rock-a-bye baby, you little bitch! Lull, lull. (tries to dandle her to sleep.)

Poppea (laughing) If Rome could see Nero now in this moment!

Nero Don't laugh at me! This isn't funny! And the child is still crying!

Poppea All children cry, Nero. Yours too must be allowed to.

Nero But what is this! What is she doing! By golly! She is pissing into my hands!

Poppea (laughs even more heartily at Caesar's predicament)

Nero Do something, Poppea! Don't just stand there watching with glee! This isn't funny at all! No, this is over the top! Now she is even pooping!

Poppea (laughing her sides off)

Nero Poppea! This is your fault! No decent child pisses and poops in Caesar's hands!

Poppea (between her laughs) No children are decent, Nero!

Nero No, this is going too far! My hands and arms will start stinking! Take care of the child, Poppea! It has turned quite hysterical!

Poppea (still laughing) I just have to catch my breath first!

Nero Poppea, you are trying my patience! This is no time for jokes! Your child has made a shame of herself to her father! No one poops and pisses in the arms of Caesar!

Poppea (can't stop laughing)

Nero Not even the birds defecate in their own nests! This won't do! (drops the child on thre floor. After the thud the child immediately ceases crying.)

Poppea (screams) E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eh! (hurries up and picks up the child.) What have you done!

Nero It was your fault, Poppea. You didn't want to take care of the dirty child.

Poppea My fault! What have you done! Wake up, little one! Scream, for god's sake!

Nero She made a complete shit out of me! Feel my stench! Now I will have to remake my whole perfume ceremony from this morning all over again!

Poppea She is dead, Nero! You have killed her!

Nero I just dropped her.

Poppea Se is dead! She's had a concussion! She does not breathe! Look what you have done, Nero!

Nero It was your fault, I tell you! (after a pause) Is she really dead? She just can't be.

Poppea Look for yourself! (hands the child's corpse over onto Nero's hands)

Nero There, my love! Wake up now! It wasn't that serious, was it? Come on, wake up, I said! You have to obey Caesar's command! You are divine, for god's sake! Wake up, I say! (shakes the child) (baffled) She is dead.

Poppea That's what I told you! You have killed her!

Nero Not I, Poppea. It was you.

Poppea I? How could you accuse a mother of having killed her own child? You were the one who dropped her!

Nero You didn't want to take her!

Poppea You miserable clodhopper! You dropped her intentionally on the floor! You have taken her life!

Nero But she made a shit of herself!

Poppea (hysterical) Infanticide! (cries desperately)

Nero I had better leave. (to the audience) Later on if it becomes necessary, I will have to blame her for the infanticide. (stealing out on tiptoe)

Poppea (cries hysterically for her dead child) Miserable lout! And that’s the one to whom I am married! Damn it! Abominable murderer! He can’t even beget children without bereaving them of their lives! What a mad and monstrous circus! Bo-hoo! (cries in despair)

Scene 3. Paul in prison

Paul Peter, don’t be mad at me.

Peter (angry) And why shouldn’t I?

Paul We are both Christians.

Peter Says you, who doesn’t know what you are talking about!

Paul Peter, I know that you are prejudiced against me.

Petrus Prejudiced, you conceited, bigoted, intolerant, blundering…

Paul Take it easy, Peter.

Peter Easy! When you come here messing it up for all of us in all Rome!

Paul I didn’t come here voluntarily.

Peter No, but you came here anyway, after carefully having prepared your journey here for ten years!

Paul Yes, but now I am here as a prisoner. That at least should please you.

Peter You old misanthrope! Are you aware of what you have done? First you make of yourself the worst of all persecutors of Christianity! Then you get balmy and call yourself a Christian! Then you crown yourself the king of Christianity and call yourself its highest authority instead of Christ without ever even having seen him!

Paul You always used that against me that I never met Jesus. That’s your basic prejudice against me, which you always used to turn all Christians against me! But I know Christ! I always knew him in my heart!

Peter You and your powers of second sight! Use them then to get out of your dilemma!

Paul I am no prisoner.

Peter So! You make a fool of yourself by letting an uncircumcised man into the temple, you are caught for your offence and are shackled and are brought all the way to Rome in chains, where you are kept under guard in wait for a sentence, while you dare to claim you are not a prisoner! Then I suppose you are an emperor as well! An emperor of all Christianity! You write your directions to all Christian communities as if you a were the only one who had ever known Christ, who never even saw him!

Paul Peter, let’s not argue.

Peter Who is arguing? You are the one who is arguing!

Paul (tired) That’s too much. Here you are drowned in insults, and then I am the one who is arguing!

Peter You are not exactly arguing, Paul, but you are the source of all quarrels in all our communities and between us and all Roman authorities. Don’t you see that Christianity is a peaceful movement which only can expand by peace?

Paul (sighs) I have just been preaching.

Peter Yes, you have preached in Jerusalem to make all Jews want to have you stoned, you have preached to make all Jews the enemies of yourself and of Christianity, you have preached all the communities of Asia to fall apart by division, and you preached yourself into prison so that the worst enemy of Christianity will be Rome itself!

Paul That’s not fair.

Peter (mimics) That’s not fair. Listen to that! He feels unfairly treated by the Christians who he persecuted himself and who are the only ones who knew Christ!

Paul Don’t start all that again.

Luke My good Peter, pardon me, but consider the poor health of our apostle and that he is our greatest preacher and firebrand of Christianity!

Peter And you, my good doctor, who makes it your life’s mission to transform Christianity into beautiful literature, pretty tales for children, golden legends and sentimental rubbish…

Luke The truth must be written down!

Peter The truth! So! It has to be written down! What do you think my disciple Marcus has been doing then? Isn’t it enough that the lubber Matthew goes around giving everything his own distorted interpretations? Do you also have to turn everything into sham philosophical literature adjusted to the common people?

Paul Peter, we can’t afford fighting. Christianity is under threat.

Peter And whose fault could that be? Thanks to your importunities into Christian matters from the beginning you have made us abominable to all the world order! You didn’t do that much damage as long as you just persecuted us!

Paul You have no monopoly on Christianity, Peter.

Peter And who then did Christ himself appoint his personal representative on earth? Was it maybe Judas Iscarioth, who did Christianity a greater favour by hanging himself than you ever did?

Paul That’s enough, Peter.

Peter (sighs) I am sorry, Paul, but you actually ruined more than you managed to build up.

Paul (calmly) And how did I do this, Peter?

Peter Why in the name of all demons did you have to turn the Jews against us? We were a peaceful and harmless Jewish sect together with the Sadducees, the Pharisees and the Essenes, and we were as respected as all other Jews, and then you come along with the claim that circumcision is of no importance. Why would you bereave us of our Jewish identity and origin?

Paul Don’t you realize that’s the only way for us to win over the pagans?

Peter A political coup and trick then in other words. And what has that to do with religion?

Paul It was necessary.

Peter And you can be happy with that. You have won your pagans. And the result will be constant divisions and schisms and breakaways within Christianity as long as it will exist while its basic values will get lost.

Paul What basic values?

Peter Love alone.

Paul What kind of love? Sex and making children? Whores and buggers? Agape in the shape of gloating banquets?

Peter It’s typical of you, Paul, to view everything from the animal aspect of man. You do that since you never knew Christ.

Paul (wants to say something)

Peter That’s enough. Marcus, let’s go.

Marcus Yes, father Peter. (Peter and Marcus leave.)

Paul Off they went.

Luke Yes.

Paul What do you think of our argument?

Luke We will never get away from the fact that Peter’s authority is higher than ours.

Paul But I know better! I am learned! I can do more! No one has disseminated Christianity more than I!

Luke And that’s why you are in prison.

Paul And yet I am free. I can move around freely and talk with whoever I wish. And I will convert the court by Seneca.

Luke (rises) That’s good, Paul. Do that. (leaves)

Paul My life was darkness until I was blinded on the way to Damascus. Since then Christianity has been all my life. I can’t let it down. It cannot let me down! If only there wasn’t that Peter! He is the only one who questions my authority. But I have the power of the pen, and Luke is completely under my influence. At length, Peter, you will probably anyway be second to me!

Scene 4. Another banquet (like in act II scene 3).

(In eventual film version this scene could be made sumptuous with an artificial lake and an island in the middle of it, as Tacitus describes it in his book 15:37, and with an unlimited supply of whores all around, dressed or undressed, and with boats going around on the waters of the artificial circus.)

Petronius (lying at table next to Seneca) Caesar constantly surpasses himself in wickedness.

Seneca So does all Rome.

Petronius His innovation capacity in that field never ceases to astonish me.

Seneca You strike me dumb with astonishment. I thought you were his prime councillor.

Petronius Not in matters of bad taste.

Seneca No, but Nero is far too stupid to be able to invent any frame for bad taste.

Petronius That's why he needs so many councillors. I am just a cog in the machinery. If ninety-nine parts of a hundred in all this is bad taste, I am just the hundredth part.

Seneca And who is responsible for all the other ninety-nine?

Petronius Nero himself claims the honour for everything Tigellinus makes efforts to produce with the assistance of all whores of the city, but that is still not enough. Nero is bored anyway.

Seneca All people are who lack intelligence.

Petronius That is in other words all the world and all humanity…

Seneca With a few exceptions. I was visited the other day by a peculiar original.

Petronius How strange. Are there still any left? I thought Caesar had extirpated them all since he can't tolerate competition.

Seneca This one was a new one. He has not ben seen in Rome before.

Petronius That explains it. Then he won't be seen much longer.

Seneca He was already rather old, and it seemed as if he had come here just to die.

Petronius Then he has come to the right place. Rome is the capital of death. But what did he want from you?

Seneca He wanted to promote a new divinity. He called himself Paul, but he was neither small nor humble. He was rather like an assertive salesman.

Petronius And what was his new divinity?

Seneca He was a Christian.

Petronius I see. You threw him out of course.

Seneca Not immediately. Politeness demanded that I would at least listen to what he had to say until he started repeating himself. This new religion professes poverty, humility, modesty and love.

Petronius And what is the name of their god, who obviously is a son of Hephaistus and Aphrodite?

Seneca Jesus.

Petronius I think I have heard about him. Wasn't he the one who like an Apollo appeared quite human and then left human life by getting crucified?

Seneca Yes, it was something like that which that fellow Paul promoted. And he claimed this crucified god was of greater importance than any other god.

Petronius We've heard that one before. That's where the Christians are mistaken. They will get hell for it. No god can be tolerated who doesn't tolerate the other gods.

Seneca That's what I told that fellow Paul. Then he got angry and impossible, so I found it convenient to end his visit. But he was eager to come back.

Petronius These Christians are a Jewish sect whose members are notorious for their stubbornness. But here is Poppea.

Seneca Greetings, divine Poppea.

Poppea Greetings to you, philosophers! I did not know, Seneca, that you still could show yourself in the presence of Caesar.

Seneca Caesar will never forget his old tutor. He needs old men to mock.

Poppea I just wanted to come over and toast you. Isn't it a glorious party?

Petronius The most glorious so far, Poppea.

Poppea As usual Nero will also give a performance.

Petronius What will it be?

Poppea A surprise. But tell me, Seneca, there are strange rumours that you have been visited by representatives of the Christian sect. Is that correct?

Seneca It is correct that I had a visit from a certain representative of that sect, yes.

Poppea Nero is very interested in the myth of a god who out of perverse vanity allows himself to be crucified in public view of all the people. Nothing appeals to Nero as much as perversity, and the more exquisite, efficient and morbid, the better.

Seneca Paul the apostle did not make any impression of being perverse or morbid. He was rather ascetic, austere and chaste.

Poppea Don't tell that to Nero. Then he will be disappoited, and you will have to pay for it.

Seneca Was that the only reason why he invited me here, to hear about Christian perversions?

Poppea Yes, that was the only reason.

Petronius Caesar hardly needs any further education in matters of perversion, since he is the foremost expert in the world.

Poppea Still he never learned anything.

Petronius Not even keeping a child?

Poppea Not even that.

Seneca We are sorry, Poppea.

Poppea Don't be sorry for me. (indicates the active orgies of the party) Be sorry for Nero and Rome. (to Seneca) Even if Nero would not be interested in possible Christian virtues, I would be interested instead.

Seneca I will come back to you if I find any.

Poppea Do so.

Petronius At the same time we congratulate you to the new pregnancy.

Poppea Thank you. I just hope Nero will let me keep the child this time.

Seneca I don't think he would dare to risk losing another one.

Poppea We'll see. With Nero for a father it's not even certain the child will be born. (signs of an approaching imperial treat.) But I notice Caesar's performance is about to begin. Enjoy your show, gentlemen.

Petronius Good luck, divine Poppea. (Poppea leaves.) What do you think Nero will be up to? Another wedding with some weird freak?

Seneca He usually does not repeat himself. Let's see.

Nero (dressed up as a woman and bride, enters in magnificence at the centre of everyone's attention, speaks in shrill falsetto and overacts in exaggerated effeminateness.)

O sweet bliss! At last my wedding night is here! What blessedness as a virgin to at last lose my old innocence! O what joy and beatitude lie in wait for us, o my adorable husband! Imagine that you accepted me in front of the priests!

The "man" (a coarse soldier) Hem. That's all I could do.

Nero Alas, my sweet love, indeed I suspected since long time back that you loved me in secret, but I could never dream of that you would propose to me! What a susprise! And now it can be told, that I all the time was hoping in secret and wishing that you would indeed propose to me one day! O my sweetest Doryphorus, what a lovely night of blissful love is now awaiting us! Yes, I can hardly contain myself!

Doryphorus (awkwardly with his coarse bass) My sweet love, let's now piously retire to our wedding bed in order to consummate our holy marriage.

Nero Alas, yes, my darling, with my sincerest delight! (They retire behind a transparent curtain and go to bed together. All guests rejoice and laugh heartily during the whole performance, which reaches a climax as Nero imitates a girl's screaming orgasms.)

Petronius (unmoved) What do you think of this, Seneca?

Seneca As you said, Nero constantly surpasses himself in public licentiousness.

Petronius Still it's rather funny.

Seneca In what way?`

Petronius That the most powerful man in the world, it's unchallenged universal ruler, dresses up as a tart and celebrates a homosexual wedding with an uneducated oaf.

Seneca You mean it's something of a paradox.

Petronius To say the least.

Nero (unmasked, appearing as a celebrated heroic actor, thanking for all the storming applauses.) Thanks, my friends! I only set a good example. I just hope that you all will follow the same course and have the same fun.

many drunk guests Da capo! Da capo!

Nero No, some other time, I pray, my beloved guests. (comes up to Poppea) Well, my consort, what did you think of the performance?

Poppea Do you know what people are saying about you, Nero?

Nero They rejoice with me in the joy of my exhilaration.

Poppea Not only. They also say, that if Nero's father had celebrated the same kind of marriage, the world would have been a happier place.

Nero (murderously) Poppea, you don't say so to Caesar!

Poppea (calmly) All Rome says so.

Petronius Attention, Seneca, I feel a storm is coming.

Seneca Poor Poppea. She has hurt him.

Nero (screams) Take it back!

Poppea (calmly) Then ask Rome to take it back.

(Everyone has now observed the scene and grown quiet and anxious.)

Nero (screams) You have gone too far, Poppea!

Poppea (still calm) You are the one who marries other men, not I.

Nero (screams) Tigellinus!

Tigellinus (hurries up) Yes, great Caesar!

Nero Why is Rome alive if it thus insults Caesar!

Poppea (calmly) Ask Rome.

Nero (strikes her down) Damned witch! (kicks her) She pesters me out of my life, that damned bitch!

Poppea (shaken) My child! My child!

Petronius (rises spontaneously) She is pregnant! Get a doctor!

several Get a doctor! Get a doctor!

Nero (goes on kicking her) Lousy slut! Bloody vixen and worthless hussy!

Seneca (rising, commanding severely) Stop kicking her, Nero!

Nero Shut up, you old ridiculous fool!

(Luke appears and takes care of Poppea.)

Tigellinus Carry her out! Quickly, before Nero kills her!

Nero (out of his mind) Abominable whore! I will flay her alive! (goes on kicking blindly, several hold him back.)

Petronius (has come up) Great Caesar, this role is not fit for a great actor.

Nero (calms down at once) O Petronius, you are right!

Luke (examines Poppea) Is she pregnant?

Tigellinus Yes, unfortunately.

Luke Quick! Perhaps we can save any life!

(Poppea is carried out. Luke and many others follow in great turmoil.)

Nero O, Tigellinus, I might have got the greatest idea of my life!

Tigellinus What, great Caesar?

Nero An idea for the next show, a spectacle that the world shall never forget, a memorable drama for all times!

Tigellinus Tell me, o Caesar.

Nero You heard Poppea’s words. Rome has insulted me. Rome must be punished. How did I not always suffer from the stench of this dirty vulgar unendurable great city!

Tigellinus What do you want, o Caesar?

Nero (in ecstasy) Like another Troy Rome will perish in flames in order for me, the greatest artist in the world, to compose a new Homeric poem of the downfall of the city to then construct a new better and more beautiful city!

Tigellinus (to Petronius) He must be crazy.

Petronius Let’s get him to bed. He has had too much wine.

Seneca It’s worse than that.

Petronius What do you mean?

Seneca It is incurable. He is like that.

Tigellinus Do you think so?

Seneca I know it. I brought him up myself.

Petronius Don’t listen to him, Tigellinus. It will pass. Just let him sleep it off.

Nero (still ecstatic) Yes, as the true soul of fire that I am, I will compose the epic of the century of the destruction of the mortal Rome, the greatest play in the world!

Petronius Take him for gods’s sake out of here!

Luke (returns) I have bad news.

Seneca How is the empress?

Luke Miscarriage. The child is dead.

Seneca And the empress?

Luke Critical. I’ll be back. (exit)

Seneca Oh my, oh my! This looks more and more like an old Greek tragedy but completely void of all beauty, justice, logic and morals.

Nero A tragedy! A sacred tragedy of unheard of proportions! A play never to be excelled! And I am the hero, the poet and the god, a trinity in one person! The greatest actor the world has ever known!

Petronius Methinks, Seneca, that this rather looks more and more like a flop.

Tigellinus Caesar, come on now and let’s get you home!

Nero But we haven’t partied enough! We haven’t drunk enough! We haven’t fucked enough, you and me! Are you coming here to disturb me in the middle of my greatest most formidable inspiration, you impertinent clot?

Tigellinus Pardon me, lord, but I just wanted to…

Nero Yes, you just wanted to insult me like all the others, you deplorable, pitiable, incorrigible dunderhead!

Seneca Take it easy, my dear Nero…

Nero And you shut up, insolent ridiculous buffer!

Luke (returns) I have bad news.

Nero (aggressive) Again? Where is my failure of a wife? I will piously have her thrashed to death!

Luke (placidly) That will not be necessary. She is dead.

Nero (still aggressive) What about my child then? What have you done with my child, you deficient quack?

Luke My lord, you actually kicked it to death yourself in the mother’s womb.

Nero (understands nothing) What is that bloke saying?

Tigellinus Don’t bother, Nero. Let’s go home.

Nero (stupidly) What about my inspiration then?

Petronius Postpone it until tomorrow, Caesar. A good thing can never be postponed too long.

Nero But there was something I was supposed to do, something I had to compose before it was too late. Wasn’t it, Petronius? Didn’t I have some extraordinary great divine visionary inspiration?

Petronius You probably did, Nero. Now get home to bed and forget it.

Seneca That’s safest.

Nero (to Seneca) What are you saying, old buffer?

Seneca Nothing, Caesar.

Nero Don’t try. You have stolen my inspiration from me. But you are a humbug. I am a much greater poet than you. Your dramas are just specks of dirt compared to my divine inventions.

Tigellinus We believe you, Caesar. Go home now.

Nero You keep on nagging! But I had something important… There was something… Alas, my head is whirling… If only I could remember… (collapses and starts snoring loudly.)

Petronius There. The child is asleep.

Tigellinus He has talked thick enough for today.

Seneca May the gods save us from his sobriety! If only he could always be as harmless and innocent as he is now

Tigellinus It is too late, Seneca. We’ll have to endure him now until he dies.

(Tigellinus, Petronius and Seneca together with the others carry out the snoring Nero.)

Luke Thus the world is governed by a fat and stinking ruffian who is less responsible for his actions than the most immature child. And would no one at all then do anything about it? Fortunately there is Christianity for an alternative. (leaves after the others.)

Scene 5. Paul’s humble lodging in Rome.

Marcus Well, Paul, why did you ask us here today?

Paul It is something very important. I just wanted to prepare you for what could be our greatest chance ever. Seneca is coming here today.

Luke Caesar’s tutor?

Paul The very man. And I am convinced that we could by him win the whole government of the empire for our cause.

Peter Paul, Paul, you drive me mad! All these stolid distracted whims! Do you then think Rome was built in one day, since you imagine the whole world could be won by one single man?

Paul He is Caesar’s tutor and the most esteemed man in Rome. I am convinced he is the wisest head in Rome.

Peter And you are its greatest fool.

Paul Peter, for once I will have to ask you not to make a mess of our efforts.

Peter What do you want me to do here then? Cajole the paganism of Rome by flattery? Cringe to Caesar’s tutor? Be converted into such a Roman citizen as you are? Perhaps become a flatterer of Caesar himself, which Seneca is most widely known to be? Don’t you know, Paul, that this Seneca, this dry old fool, is the most scorned and despised man of Rome?

Paul He is close to Caesar though, and he is the world’s leading philosopher. I have met him and spoken with him. He is interested in the new doctrine. Don’t make fools of us in front of him, Peter.

Peter No one is making a fool of Christianity in this world but you, Paul.

Paul Don’t start all that again.

Luke Brothers, please don’t start arguing again!

Peter Who is arguing but he!

Marcus Brothers, for God’s sake! Seneca is coming!

Seneca (has heard the last) Is this where I can find Paul?

Paul (rising at once) Come in, noble Seneca!

Seneca You seem to have been involved in a lively debate when I arrived. Please don’t let me disturb.

Paul We Christians are constantly involved in debates. This is Luke, the doctor, whom you already know, and this is Marcus, and this is Peter. Get up, Peter!

Peter (rises reluctantly) That’s what I am doing.

Seneca Please, gentlemen, sit down, and let's immediately get to the point. Rome is morally going bankrupt, therefore Rome needs a moral rearmament, and by Paul I have understood that you would gladly offer that. You already had a high protectress in Poppea, but unfortunately she is no longer able to support Caesar morally. Still I am interested in your doctrine, although my influence with Caesar is constantly diminishing. So let's hear about your good message.

Peter (rises) Pardon me, master Seneca, but do you mean to say you no longer have any influence with Caesar?

Seneca Practically none. Nero only wants to see me when he has found some new way to Insult me.

Peter (to Paul) And you said this man would give us all Rome!

Paul Quiet, Peter! Sit down! (Peter sits down.)

Luke Pardon our old Peter, noble Seneca. He is so impulsive. Seneca What is it you really want from me?

Paul Nothing, Seneca. We just wanted to preach our gospel to you. Marcus Yes.

Peter So that Paul could assume power over you and all Rome. Paul (rises, angry) Shut up, Peter! You ruin evrything!

Peter (calmly) I am just being honest.

Luke Don't bother about Peter, noble Seneca. He is just somewhat particular. Seneca I don't understand anything.

Paul (sits down, still angry) No wonder, the way Peter preaches. Peter I am just stating facts.

Paulus (rises and screams) Shut up, Peter! (silence)

Pardon me. I didn't mean to shout so loud. (sits down again)

Peter Why do you do it then?

Paul (rises again and screams) Shut up, you blatherskite!

(A pressing silence spreads. Paul sits down again.)

Seneca (after a while) I understand. You only wanted me for a key to the power of Rome. You regarded me just as a means to reach Caesar and inveigle him in your new mysteries. I am sorry, gentlemen, to have to disappoint you. I will be of no good to you. I have no power over Caesar any more. He doesn't listen to anyone any more.

The only thing about Christianity that could interest him is the bloody and spectacular way in which the founder of your religion died. Everything else that Jesus said and did would only bore him.

Peter (rises) Jesus did not die! He will never leave us! He will live forever in our midst!

Seneca (calmly) Really? Was he not a righteous king then? Why does he permit the extreme injustice which today dominates the entire world and Rome, its centre, most of all?

(Silence. Peter sits down.)

Seneca (after a pause) Gentlemen, I am sorry, you were the ones to instruct me, but it has rather turned out the contrary. You claim that your Jesus lives and that he is a just king of all the world. As long as there is a Caesar you will not likely be able to prove it. I wish you everything good with all my heart and all the best with your undoubtedly good intentions, but unfortunately that will not get you far against Nero and his supreme position of power. If you want to strip him of his power you will have to use more efficient means than internal quarrels. Farewell, gentlemen. (leaves)

Paul (rises) Seneca! Wait!

Peter Let him go, Paul.

Marcus He has already left.

Paul It was all your fault, Peter.

Luke There, Paul, don't argue now.

Peter That man is wiser than both of us together, Paul. He has tutored emperors in all his life and is still powerless against the universal impiety of the world, and he is realistic enough to realize it. You still have a long way to go, Paul.

Paul Don't insult me!

Peter (calmly) I am not insulting you. I am only acknowledging Seneca's wisdom. He has much to teach us. And you thought he would deliver all Rome as a ripe fruit into your hands!

Paul Don't mock me.

Peter I am not mocking you. I am just observing, Paul, that you once more have failed. Come, let's go, Marcus. (they leave.)

Paul (to Luke) Was that fair?

Luke Peter is always right, Paul.

Paul Damn that he always has to get the better of me!

Lukas He knew Jesus, Paul.

Paul Don't start all that again!

Luke Sit down, Paul. (Paul sits down at last.) But who is coming here, if not our John!

John (rushes in, short of breath) Bothers, run for your life! The city is burning! Where is Peter and Marcus?

Luke They just left.

John We have to gather our kin so that no one gets into trouble! The city has caught fire in seceral places, and no one seems to be doing anything about it, as if it was the will of the emperor himself! Quick! Gather as many as you can, and we'll meet at our ordinary place of worship behind the pyramid of Cestius! (hurries on.)

Paul What do you think of this, Luke?

Luke The city really seems to be burning. I feel a constantly sharper smell of smoke. We had better follow John's urging. Come, Paul!

Paul (rises) But could it really be the will of the emperor to burn up the whole city?

Luke I don't think so, but the whole world would gladly believe it, for it is actually not impossible. Come, Paul! (they leave.)

Act IV scene 1.

Nero (on a terrace with his lyre attending the magnificent show of the burning city) Burn with pride, o lovely fire! Burn with delight and consume the whole world with your liberated joy, lovely destructive light and sweetest warmth! Enjoy your liberty, you splendid looseness in your world destruction! Never burn out, you lovely exhilaration, but consume freely whatever you can for as long as possible in your fresh energy, irresistibility, divinity, grandeur and happiness! Burn, o Rome, you rotten city, you old hearth of pestilence and shit, centre of the dirty world order and home for all the boredom in the world! This is the highlight of my life, my life’s supremest happiness and my greatest self realization! Here in this moment all my highest wishes have now been fulfilled in the dissolution of Rome and the world in a glorious universal fire and thrown into the eternal damnation of Chaos! How I have hated the world and all humanity! Why don’t all ugly evil people burn with Rome today? But this lovely destruction has only begun and will continue without pause for a thousand years at least! I now triumph over humanity in the capacity of an allpowerful divinity, I only had a thought that Rome would burn whereupon that thought almost immediately was materialized, so I evidently govern the world and its destiny by the power of my bare thought, so I am definitely a divinity! Damned humanity, burn with all your pettiness, materialism and lack of spiritualism, which only drags better souls down into your hell, and be exiled from my divine grace forever, for you have disgraced yourself by boring me to death! Burn high, you black hell called Rome, in a wild fire of blind madness for a proof that man never again shall find grace in the eyes of the gods! (turns to Petronius) Well, Petronius, what do you think of my inspiration?

Petronius It certainly is powerful, o Caesar, but wasn’t the first item on your epic program the destruction of Troy?

Nero Petronius, I have only started. This was only the introduction to the apocalypse. Now I will sing to the destruction of Troy and then to that of all Greece! (resumes his lyre)

Petronius (to Tigellinus) If only he would not sing and play so utterly out of tune!

Tigellinus He has done worse before, though.

Petronius He condemns Rome for having bored its emperor. But Rome is felicitous now not to hear this hoarse crow’s jabber which could bore a congregation of eunuchs to death.

Tigellinus If Caesar heard you now your life would not be worth much.

Petronius Don’t worry, dear Tigellinus. Caesar doesn’t hear anything, as he is so totally consumed and occupied by his own divinity and self to be able to pay attention to anything else. A true artist hears no other voice than his own, for if he heard anyone else’s he would shut up for shame, as he then would become aware of the utter inferiority of his vanity to that of all the others.

Nero Don’t just stand there chatting, my friends! Listen instead to my marvellous song!

O Troy, the world’s destruction has its splendid commencement in your lovely destiny! Already you were burning in gorgeous flames to the sky with pride and to the ecstatic and indescribable delight of every pyromaniac! Already in your twilight many people burned to death, (a string breaks) but what is this? (upset) Did you hear! A string broke! A string of my lyre broke! How could it? What insolence! Have you ever heard or seen such a thing? Here I compose and sing the most beautiful and inspired song that was ever composed, and then a string breaks on my lyre! That’s totally unheard of! What a catastrophe!

Petronius Caesar, it is indeed an inconceivable disaster. Against a broken string on your lyre the Roman universal fire is nothing.

Nero Exactly, Petronius! It is completely outrageous! It is an impardonable offence! How could the lyre do such a thing to me, its own benefactor? It is unspeakably preposterous! What shall I do?

Petronius Punish it, Caesar.

Nero Yes, I will. You evil lyre, who so cruelly and disgracefully rewards Caesar for his wondrously heavenly art, cursed be you and all music forever! (throws the lyre on the floor, tramples it frenetically to pieces, jumps on it, etc.)

Never again may any lovely music be sung or played! It’s the muses themselves who have sabotaged me in the middle of the most splendid moment of my inspiration! What a shame! What a humiliation! What misery! Alas and woe is me! I think I will faint in frustration! No, I will have a heartstroke of despair! Woe is me! I die! (faints)

Petronius (untouched) I think Caesar fainted.

Tigellinus (equally indifferent) I think so too.

Petronius The poetic effort was obviously too strong for him.

Tigellinus He was always such a sensitive artist.

Petronius What shall we do with him?

Tigellinus We had better get him out of the city. The fire could actually spread all the way here.

Petronius Let’s bring him to Antium by the sea. There perhaps he could get over his deep compassion for Rome.

Tigellinus Yes, that sounds reasonable. (They carry out Caesar wile the fire rages on.)

Scene 2.

Seneca I am afraid. Caesar has called for me. He hasn’t done so for many years. I fear that he summons me only to inform me that I should commit suicide. Friends who he hasn't called on for many years are usually summoned only to be given this order. I am afraid that my old wasted knees are beginning to shiver. Not that I am afraid of death, but I am afraid of Nero, the fruit of my life's effort to give a young man the most ideal, perfect and consummate education. Have I failed? No, not completely, but the paragon pupil proved to be no more than a wild beast.

Petronius (enters) Well, there you are, Seneca. You don't need to be afraid. I know what Caesar wants with you.

Seneca Is it possible that I don't need to be afraid?

Petronius He only wishes to know what you know about the Christians.

Seneca Is that all?

Petronius As far as I know. Here he is now.

Nero (enters) Greetings, Seneca, my old tutor! And also my friend of tastes Petronius! That's excellent! Pray be seated, worthy gentlemen, my best friends!

Seneca It seems that Caesar is in a good mood today.

Nero I have never felt better in all my young but too burdensome life!

Seneca What is then missing for my gifted pupil?

Nero Alas, Seneca, your paragon disciple and favourite student has problems with the reckless slander of the vulgar masses. They claim that I was the one who set the city on fire.

Petronius Caesar, everyone heard you express a wish in that direction at the party by Agrippa's lake

Nero But I was drunk then! How could a people beieve anything so evil about their own loving emperor! It completely transcends my horizon of comprehension!

Seneca I heard from Petronius, that Caesar wished to learn something about the Christians.

Nero Alas, Seneca, I am in a quandary! Someone is necessarily needed to take on the blame for the wretched fire. It isn't enough that I with private means reconstruct the bloody city in greater beauty and splendour than ever. The miserable Romans also want to wallow in watching all the guilt for the fire being washed down in blood at the circus. Someone told me passing by that there was a sect which could be considered suitable for acting in the spectacle. I then heard the remarkable story of a man who thought he was a god and who allowed himself to be crucified in public to prove it. Is there any truth in such a remarkable event, my good Seneca?

Seneca Caesar must surely know that I have been associating with several Christians lately.

Nero Yes. What do you know about them?

Seneca What I don't know about them is not worth knowing. It would maybe please Caesar that I can satisfy him more than well. This Christian sect consists of Jewish fanatics of the same kind which caused Claudius so much trouble, but even more excited to hysteria, dementia, dreams of grandeur and ambitions of power by the man who was crucified for calling himself not just king of the Jews but also the son of the only god that the Jews ever had.

Nero A king? And a son of one of the gods?

Seneca It was considered in Jewry a terrible blasphemy, and therefore the poor man was crucified, but his simple disciples remain seduced by his spirit and still claim today that Jesus was a god and not just a god but superior to all other gods.

Nero (satisfied, to Petronius) Noblest Petronius, I don't think we will have to look any further for any more suitable candidate. The Christian fanaticism suits us perfectly. (to Seneca) What more do you know? You mentioned the dreams of grandeur and power ambitions of the Christians?

Seneca After a talk I had with the leading representative of the Christian sect in Rome it was perfectly clear, that these Christians only want power and wish to overthrow the state and replace Caesar with their own. When they have reached that far they intend to abolish all religions except Christianity.

Nero Noblest Petronius, the case is perfectly clear. It was in other words the Christians who set Rome on fire and burned all the wonderful splendour down. We have never had so mad creatures tro thank for so much. It will be an ideal job for Tigellinus. He will have both his hands full for all future The Romans will be most grateful of all, for they will be bloodily entertained on their circus perhaps forever, for the Christian sect seems to be most engaged in - making love. Thank you, my good Seneca. Your knowledge, wisdom and experience has shown the course of our future. The glory for what Roman history will be in the future will be yours.

Seneca I thank you, great Caesar.

Nero For nothing. You have only done your duty, and we, our people, our Rome, history and the future will forever be grateful to you. It will be an interesting experiment to eradicate an unknown human weed in the form of a sect.

Petronius Humanity has never succeeded in eradicating a single species of all living things in nature.

Nero You are right as usual, noblest Petronius, but now it's about a special kind of humans. Man cannot do anything about nature, but with the help of man perhaps the divine nature could do something about man?

Petronius Maybe even without the help of man.

Nero Yes, perhaps, but against the Christian destruction and confusion of its fanaticism it would maybe all the same be best to let human common sense manage the course of events in the best desired direction.

Seneca Perhaps, Nero, you might still be able to finally end up a wise and mature man?

Nero That might never be too late, my good Seneca.

Scene 3. The Vatican hill.

Soldiers bring Peter whose hands are tied in front of him, and his cross. Peter is followed by John, Luke, Marcus and Linus.

Peter This is my last journey, John. Now I may enjoy the same death as my master, and it will be my honour. But don’t make the same mistake as I. Don’t say everything you think, and think before you act. How is it with Paul, Luke?

Luke He greets you and wishes you good luck.

Peter What about his process?

Luke He hasn’t got a chance any more. He is only waiting for his death sentence. He told me to greet you that he will soon follow you.

Peter Which means you will be the last of the strong ones, John. You must manage at all costs through all the persecutions, for no one understood and came closer to the master than you. Live, John, at any price, and don’t be afraid of escaping, if you have to. I tried to escape but couldn’t, turned around and came back, and that’s why I am here now.

John Why did you come back, Peter?

Peter On the way south I turned to my master in my thoughts and asked him downright: What really do you mean? What ways are you really pursuing? Where do you want to take us all? It was Caesar’s persections that made me doubt our cause. But then he gave me an answer which made me turn back.

John What did he answer?

Peter He quite clearly communicated to me, that if I was serious about escaping he would himself come back and allow himself to be crucified again. I wanted to spare him that trouble.

John Instead you’ll be crucified yourself.

Peter Yes, but you must not be, John. Run for your life if you have to, for someone of us has to have a natural death to prove for the future that you in spite of all could live as a Christian.

A soldier We have reached the place now. Lay down the cross! Bring forth the man! Away with you, Jews, if you don’t want to be crucified as Christians yourselves!

Luke I am no Jew.

soldier What are you doing here then?

Luke I am a doctor.

soldier There is no need for doctors here. This is a place of executions. (The disciples are forced away from Peter while he is undressed and tied to the cross. Eventually the cross is erected.)

Peter Soldiers! Soldiers! Hear me!

soldier Now the old man is going to preach again! What do you want, you tiresome preacher?

Peter I am a great criminal!

Soldier (laughs) We know that all right. You are a Christian. (laughs with the other soldiers)

Peter Yes, but I am a very bad Christian! Therefore you must punish me!

soldier (merry) That’s what we are doing! What do you think we were doing? Give you the power of Rome? Ha-ha-ha! (laughs with the others)

Peter You don’t understand. Once I committed a very serious sin.

soldier What? Slapped the bottom of an old girl? Ha-ha-ha!

Peter No, no! Something much worse! I denied my master three times!

Second soldier And what do you want us to do about that? Spank you? Ha-ha-ha! It’s too late in that case, for we can’t get at your bottom! Ha-ha-ha!

Petrus No, no! You must punish me very hard!

soldier How then?

Peter Turn the cross upside down, so that I will also hang upside down!

soldier (is quiet with the others) What do you say, boys? Should we oblige his last wish? soldier 2 He is not as stupid as he looks. If we turn the cross upside down he will die faster and get away sooner.

soldier 3 Just because he is as stupid as he is we could well grant his wish. soldier 1 Good! At it, boys!

(The soldiers take down the cross and raise it again upside down.)

Peter Master! Don’t tell me now that I didn’t follow you!

(The scene grows dark.)

Scene 4. At home with Seneca.

Seneca My love, we are in danger.

Paulina Is it Piso’s conspiracy?

Seneca Yes, it is.

Paulina But you are not involved in it, are you?

Seneca No, but Nero wished to get rid of me for many years, and he knows that Piso wished to include me in the conspiracy.

Paulina O gods, why do conspiracies against maniacs always have to fail? (A tribune shows up.)

Seneca Paulina, we have a visitor.

Paulina What are you doing here? You are disturbing our dinner!

Silvanus Pardon me, my lady, but I am here on a mission from Caesar.

Seneca What does Caesar want from me?

Silvanus Only one answer to a question.

Seneca Caesar knows that Senca is always at his service.

Silvanus What did Natalis want with you?

Seneca He wished to know why my house was closed to Gajus Piso.

Silvanus What answer did he get.

Seneca That I was ill and had to attend to my health.

Paulina It is true!

Silvanus Caesar has heard a different answer to Natalis' question.

Seneca What?

Silvanus That frequent meetings and talks neither benefited you nor Piso and that your salvation was in Piso's hands. Do you admit it?

Seneca Caesar suspects me without reason.

Silvanus Do you admit it? Yes or no?

Seneca Yes.

Silvanus Then Caesar's command is that you must die, Annaeus Seneca. (bows and leaves)

Paulina Annaeus, what does he mean?

Seneca My dearest, you will have to carry on alone.

Paulina Never!

Seneca You have no choice, because I have no choice but to cut my veins. Or else I will be tortured to death like Caesar's first wife.

Paulina My dearest, I have no other choice than to follow you.

Seneca But you are so young! Caesar has nothing against you! There is in spite of all a future!

Paulina Not in a world governed by Caesar.

Seneca Wait for his end! Piso's conspiracy was only the first one! There has to be some more! And the resistance and opposition against Caesar is growing day by day! Paulina So is also the number of his victims. He keeps up the pace.

Seneca He can't do that at length. The Christians are today double the number as they were before he started executing them, and still he has killed thousands.

Paulina My husband, I'll follow you. I belong to you. If death is yours I must share it.

Seneca I am an old man. I would have died anyway. Also I am actually guilty of having brought up Caesar. But you are not guilty of anything.

Paulina If only I could murder Caesar!

Seneca You must not think like that, my girl. Forget your tears now and show some strength. You are a Roman! For a legacy I leave you still my example, of how I lived my life. It still remains for you to devote yourself to your studies. Grant yourself that pleasure. Think of philosophy. And consider, that this was expected since many years. What more remained for Caesar to be done after having done away with his brother, his mother and his true wife, than to also dispose of me, his tutor? It's nothing but a logic consequence. Let me embrace you one last time, and then I'll go into the bath to never see you again. There is not much blood left in my dried out veins, but the little that still exists can only be tempted out by the hot Roman bath. Live on, my wife, and tell John among the Christians that they will probably be the ones to survive Nero. Let us now calmy and stoically resigning bid each other a tender farewell.

Paulina My love! (a long tender embrace)

Seneca My slave, give me my razor.

(The slave hands him a razor. He calmly rises from the dinner table, offers his hand to Paulina one last time and leaves with dignity. Paulina wants to follow him.)

Silvanus (returns suddenly and holds her back by force) Stop! Caesar wants you to live. Paulina Why?

Silvanus Ask him, not me. For who could ever understand his caprices?

(Paulina resigns and sinks down, burying her face in her hands, while Silvanus organizes her surveillance.)

Scene 5. Paul in prison.

Paulus The game is lost. We shall all die. Like by an unfathomable abysmal power we are pulled down in a black hole of terror and death no matter how innocent we are. The great rabbi showed us the way. He was the first one of us to be crucified, while now all of us Christians have to crucified and murdered one by one like him. Here I sit now after a miserable life and arduously unheard of efforts in his service, and I never even got to see my employer! He has not been more to me than just a mirage, an empty promise, just a seducing light and word without anything substantial. And therefore I shall die. O Jesus, if you really resurrected, why was then I, your most self-sacrificing zealous servant, never allowed to se you? The light that I experienced on the way to Damascus was just some epileptic fit, a stroke of the old well known so called divine illness. I repented my crime and my persecution of all Christians, but was I ever granted a glimpse of you for that? Was I ever given any reward? No, Jesus, you have cheated me enough. You never resurrected. Your personality remains and will probably forever tempt dreamers into pious perdition, but I am through with the great illusion, for tomorrow I shall be decapitated, and all I

got for all my zeal for Christianity is dishonour, Roman captivity and mockery, disdain and quarrels from the other Christians. I am sick and tired of all this pious and retarded, crazy and deplorable misery!

Luke (enters) Lord, the brothers send you their grettings.

Paul They keep in hiding of course?

Luke They are safe now in their new catacombs.

Paul Only you, my faithful Greek, have dared to look me up in the last night of my life. The others just send me their greetings.

Luke Lord, I understand your bitterness.

Paul I don't want to be bitter, but I can't help falling to bitterness anyway. How about your research and the third gospel?

Luke It is practically finished. Then I will document the events after the death of Jesus and your story, lord.

Paul That is very kind of you. But in that case I must ask one thing of you.

Luke Ask me a nything, and it is already granted.

Paul Never mention with one word anything about the differences between me and Peter.

Luke Then I will have to suppress a considerable part of Christianity.

Paul Do so. Posterity must never suspect that the first Christians did not live in perfect harmony and unity.

Luke Do you think it could pass?

Paul You are the only qualified writer of Christianity. It will all depend on you.

Luke I will carefully consider this wish of yours which could be your life's last will.

Paul It is no wish. It's an order.

Luke Then very much of the ordeals of the first Christians will never be fully documented.

Paul It is sometimes wiser to keep quiet than to tell the truth.

Luke We Greeks always doubted that.

Paul But I am a Roman and don't doubt, for I know.

Luke That Christ is resurrected?

Paul (with a sigh) Only that I doubt.

Luke Shall I then suppress even that?

Paul Yes, Luke, never let anyone know that I finally doubted.

Luke My lord, I will spare you and obey you.

Paul Then perhaps I could die in peace. (silence)

My friend, now I must ask you to leave.

Luke Already?

Paul Yes, for I have nothing more to tell you. I said my last, and nothing more should be told.

Luke I understand. You are serious.

Paul Yes, my friend. You have done your job. You are free now.

(After some hesitation, Luke leaves.)

Thus am I alone again with my remorse, my doubts and my inconceivable guilt! Oh Lord, how could the Christian religion ever evade getting caught forever in incurable anguish of conscience and division like me?

(covers his face in his hands. The cell darkens, and everything goes pitch black.)

Act V scene 1. Cumae.

Petronius My friend, we won't get any farther than this.

Eunice As long as there is life, there is hope. You have not received any death sentence yet.

Petronius It is already decided on though. Nerva has given me notice. A centurion will arrive commanding me to remain here at Cumae and await further orders from Caesar. Then after a few days Caesar’s death sentence will arrive. Everything is already settled.

Eunice But you have time to escape.

Petronius From what to what? From hell on earth to our hell on earth? Not even Ocativia, the most innocent of all Nero’s sacrificed consorts, absconded death on Sardinia. She was tied up and cut up alive. She wasn’t even permitted to cut up her veins herself. No one who has escaped from Caesar has got away from Caesar’s death sentences. Octavianus Caesar, the calculating initiator of the divine position of Caesar, seems to have succeeded in fortifying forever the divine capacity of Roman emperors to always be able to kill whoever was found undesirable. I am no exception. This I had better die by my own hand in good time before the arrival of Caesar’s death sentence.

Eunice Then I will die with you.

Petronius I can’t stop you from that.

Eunice But why does Caesar wish to eliminate you?

Petronius He sees an enemy in every human being, and those who were his closest friends he sees as his worst enemies. He has no one left now except Tigellinus, who finds his only possibility to survive to denounce so called new traitors. I knew Scaevinus who knew Piso. That’s the sum of my criminality the punishment of which is death. If this law were to be implemented all around, no Roman citizen would survive except Caesar. Obviously a mortal can not become divine here in this world without having to execute as large a part of our humanity as possible.

Eunice He is ill.

Petronius Yes, that is possible, but he is not stupid. Some of his projects were rather constructive. The Corinthian channel was an ingenious engineering plan, and the projected draining of the Pontine swamps was not an altogether impracticable project to carry through.

Eunice Megalomania and nothing less.

Petronius Maybe, and yet there was method in this madness.

Eunice Was there also method in his indulgences, his marriages with homosexuals, his dressing up as women, his insufferable and pathetic appearances as actor and poet…

Petronius Concerning his artistic talents, dearest, I have actually written a letter to him which he will get when I am gone. Would you like to hear it?

Eunice I would love to.

Petronius (opens a scroll) "My best friend, my dear Caesar, brother, disciple, colleague and comrade in the service of all the muses! Pardon me for no longer being able to be of service to you in your vices, but as everyone knows Tigellinus is now more qualified to advise you in all things evil and bad. My friend, I beg of you, don’t misunderstand me, for it has never been my intention to offend or hurt you, and I actually had some hopes for you in the beginning. Those hopes died when you poisoned Britannicus, when you by hired murderers had your mother executed, when you divorced your best wife but wasn’t satisified with that but also had her killed, the poor child, and when you drove Seneca your tutor to death. It is not at all though because of the hopelessness of your criminal career that our paths now must

separate No, my dear friend, I wander voluntarily into death for a completely different reason.” (to Eunice) Can you guess it?

Eunice No, never.

Petronius Listen! Here it comes.

"My dear friend, what now drives me into death to your probably utter despair and dismay is the future prospect of having to let my ears bleed from wounds by your dreadful singing out of tune, to constantly having to attend to your dances with your deformed apelike shaggy and ugly legs, to politely be obliged to listen to your rough handling of the lyre which forces all Hades to put their fingers into their ears with distorted grimaces, to having to applaud, flatter and encourage your base, naïve, coarse and clumsy poems. My dear friend, don’t take offence, but this and nothing else has made me long for death, for a company like Cerberus is enough for preference to your pitiable and monotonous barking and growling. When I am gone you will find comfort in that the world will gladly go on laughing you to scorn, compose humorous lampoons to your honour, imitate your fleshy ballet prances and appreciate you as the greatest officious blighter in the world. My friend, don’t be sorry that I am gone, for all the world is a comedy, it only lives to find reasons to laugh, and you yourself are happy enough to in your own time be able to be the greatest reason for it. And thereby I bid you, as the honest and good friend I always was to you, a sympathetic and tender farewell.

Your Arbiter Elegantarium, Petronius."

Well, Eunice? What do you think of it? Do you think it will be efficient?

Eunice It is a more efficient and cruel execution of an artist than a death sentence would be for a Caesar.

Petronius That’s intentional. My dear, let’s now commence our farewell banquet. A number of friends are expecting us, and until the end we shall celebrate life, be happy, eat and drink well and read real beautiful poems, we shall rejoice until the end and only gradually die not to leave life entirely until the lewd Caesar’s gloomy old gangsters arrive.

Eunice How will it then be performed practically?

Petronius We will open our veins just to dress them again and then open them again and go on like that as long as it is fun and we no longer can dress them. Thus we will fade out like the lights of a long and successful party.

Eunice My friend, you always knew the art of applying your life in an aesthetical way.

Petronius That’s the only meaning of life. Come, my friend.

Eunice You will read out the letter to your imperial friend to our friends?

Petronius My friend, all the world shall read it. (They leave.)

Scene 2. The villa of Phaon. Darkness, closed shutters. Nero lies in only his linen shirt on a bed sleeping and dreaming nightmares, wakes up with a scream of fear.

Nero The same dream again! Dadda! Dadda! (enter Nero’s old nurse.)

Dadda What is it, poor boy?

Nero (desperate) I had the same dream again! I had the same dream again!

Dadda (trying to comfort him and calm him down) There, my boy, don’t bother about dreams! You shouldn’t take fantasies seriously, for they never are the reality.

Nero But they pulled at me! They hit me! Octavia was there herself and dragged me down into the well! Everyone was against me! Help! I can’t bear it any

longer! (digs in a box in a cupboard) Where are my poison pills? Where are my poison pills?

Dadda Have you forgotten, little Nero, that your servants went off with them?

Nero (beside himself) Have all my servants deserted me?

Dadda (calmly) A long time ago.

Nero (down on his knees) What shall I do? But Dadda, what shall I do?

Dadda (calmly) You should have gone to the senate long ago.

Nero But they will scalp me if I go there! They will dress me naked!

Dadda (calmly) You are almost naked already.

Nero The whole world is against me! All Gaul has risen against me! All Spain has rebelled against me! Galba has turned against me! Dadda! All the world is against me!

Dadda Don’t complain. You are still Caesar.

Nero Dadda, you are right. I am still Caesar! I will burn that lousy city of Rome once more, but first I will let all wild animals loose in the streets so that no one will be able to put out the fire! And then I will abandon Rome and reject it forever! Instead I will be king and a divinity for all the eastern countries, and my future throne will rise forever in Jerusalem! Soon that city will fall anyway to my faithful friend Vespasian. And every fine statue which I carried away from Greece and which sank on the way the fishes will bring back to me on their fins. And that actor, who made a fool of himself on the forum when I had a sore throat, I will shut the mouth of! No one must imagine himself to be a better actor than me! But my poison pills! Where are my poison pills! (starts rummaging again)

Dadda Nero, you are hopeless. Thank heavens that you at least have your old nanny at hand. (enter Sporus)

Nero Well, thank heavens, Sporus, that I still have a friend! My friend, put the servants to work immediately! They must now start to dig a grave for me at once. I have solemnly decided to reject and banish this cruel world and commit suicide. Get me firewood and fire!

Sporus No hurry, Nero. There is still some hope. Besides, you have no servants left who could dig a grave for you. You have to do it yourself. But here is now a messenger from Rome.

Nero Alas, I am saved! I will go to Galba’s troops myself and cry in his arms, everybody will be moved to tears and feel sorry for me, all rebellions shall be forgotten, and all will be peace and joy again, exactly as it was in those golden days when I still brought joy to the whole world with my noble singing voice! I really should sit down now to compose new songs for the welcoming celebrations when I come back! What a glorious come-back it will be!

Sporus Take it easy, Caesar. (to the messenger) What’s the word from Rome? messenger Here is a letter from Phaon.

Nero Give it here! (snatches the scroll from him) It really is from Phaon. This is what he writes: “Greetings, Caesar! Nero has been declared an outlaw and an enemy to the state and the people. When he is arrested he will be punished according to the old style.” What does ’the old style’ mean?

Dadda I certainly know what that means. You are dressed naked, your head is squeezed into a pitchfork of wood, and then you are flogged to death with switches. Nero (shocked) But that is unworthy of me. That’s not worthy of a Caesar at all!

Dadda Nero, your behaviour was always so foolish and childish. Tell me, why did you have to order so many people to commit suicide for your sake? Only in return for that you now will have to do it yourself!

Nero She is right. Alas, where are my poison pills? Oh yes, they had been nicked by the servants. Well, where are all my sharpened knives then?

Sporus (offers him a knife) Here, Caesar.

Nero (accepts it, drops it on the floor and bursts out crying) Alas, so young, so noble and so beautiful! What a noble artist is lost to the world in me!

Dadda Take up the knife, child, and prove yourself a man before it is too late.

Nero She is right. I have to prove myself a man before it is too late. (picks up the knife) But how on earth do you do it? (fumbles)

Dadda Just stick it in your throat!

Nero Like this? (fumbles and cuts himself clumsily)

Sporus (turns away sighing) What a bungler!

Nero But what hooves is it that I hear? Help! They are coming to take me away! They are coming to lock me up! Help! Help! (gets hysterical)

Dadda Go out, Sporus, and detain the soldiers for a while.

Sporus I’ll be glad to! (steals away)

Nero Will no one show me how it is done? Sporus! Commit suicide before me so that I may learn how to do it!

Dadda Too late, Nero. Sporus has run off. This is how it is done. (sticks the knife into his throat) Now thank your old Dadda for knowing what she did

Nero (sprouting blood, hysterically terrified, with bulging eyes in just his slippers and linen shirt:) Aaarrghh! (dies)

Dadda He couldn’t even kill himself like a Roman. (enter soldiers.)

A soldier We are looking for Nero Caesar.

Dadda He is lying there in his own pool of blood. You don’t have to do the hard work soldier That was about the only sensible thing he did in all his life. (collects the body with the other soldiers)

Dadda (aside to the audience) Don’t tell them that he couldn’t do it himself!

The End.

(30.11.90-2.1.1991, translated in May 2024)

Post Script

"The Great Flop” is a very wicked play. It is not just a terrible satire of imperial Rome, the capital of history and its life as the city reached its zenith, but also the first Christians become the target of the author’s mockery and ridicule. What saves the play is its humour. As a created role the emperor Nero is a very remarkable character in his extremely ridiculous daftness and total naïvety and irresponsibility together with his sharply psychopathic calculating evil. “The Great Flop” is the man Nero, who gets the supreme power of Rome just to lead all Rome to perdition. In the observation of this the author also tries to show how it became possible for the Christians to take over the world: only a government like Nero’s could force the necessity of a world order alternative. The dispute between Peter and Paul is an interesting theory which lacks any ground but which also is impossible to prove wrong. Bitter differences concerning ideological views have unfortunately marked and pursued Christianity through all history, and you can’t deny that the characterizations of Peter and Paul are interesting.

Where does the author stand himself? Obviously he takes a stand for the tragic representatives of the middle way, Seneca and Petronius, who neither can take a stand for the empire nor for Christianity. They become the real victims of the play with everything they represent in the form of all the best that Antiquity could offer, and that was the culture and philosophy which they represented which neither the empire nor Christianity could take care of and which was what was lost in the tug-ofwar between the two opposite powers.

Is the play a tragic and grotesque comedy or a comic and farcical tragedy? You often don’t know whether to laugh or to cry, and sometimes you can only laugh when you should cry. In a staging however the play must stand or fall by the interpretation of the role of Nero. For such a role you would need someone like Charles Laughton in his heyday, but only if that part is acted well, it would make real theatre indeed

It’s also interesting to view the play in the perspective of the personality Saddam Hussein and his universal terror, who was at his most powerful when the play was written shortly before the Kuwait war 1991. (J.B.W. March 1991)