Swerve Magazine by LASA Ezine

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Swerve Bios: 4-5

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Bios Lorna M. - The Multitalented One

Lorna is a music-loving person who is also known for breaking out into sporadic violent episodes. Before she came to LASA you could most definitely find her either in the library or curled up in a random corner in the middle of nowhere with a book in hand. Now you’re most likely to find her by her locker being anti-social.

Photos courtesy of: Lorna M., toydreamer.com.au, and Public Domain

4 Swerve · Spring Edition

Clare Z. - The Chapstick Guru

Clare is a freshman at LASA. She enjoys just about anything artistic and is also pretty shy. Her role model is the inventor of the toilet, Thomas Crapper, and she aspires to become a snail farmer one day.

A Group of Crazies C. Testa - The Metrosexy Kid HOLY SHIZZLE TESTA IS A CREEPER - Wait, just kidding!! But Testa is the kid that has pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed to get more fashion-y stuff in this magazine. Testa loves pink. And pink. Oh, and I think he really really really likes pink. If you haven’t noticed, Testa is one of the more energetic characters behind this wonderful magazine (maybe not as energetic as Luigi, sadly), but he’s still pretty bloody energetic! And I have to stress that I lurv pink. I love love love love love love love pink.

Luigi C. - Woman

Luigi CE&JOKJ0DL*s is LASA’s habitual optimist and hardstyle addict. He doesn’t see the point in writing in the third person, so get ready for a person change. I love gadgets, and one-day fads, like not wearing shoes for a day. Or wearing mario hats. * CE&JOKJ0DL is not Luigi’s actual last name

Spring Edition · Swerve 5

HOWDY Hey! So assuming that anyone is reading this here magazine, this is The Multitalented One writing (with the advice of Woman, The Metrosexy One, and The Chapstick Guru), otherwise known as the one who has physically abused Testa (his words, not mine – I prefer the term “disciplined”) many times over this school semester. SO! DESCRIBING THIS MAGAZINE (Luigi here). In all honesty, about 10 people out of the 7 point something billion people on this planet will actually care about any given article between this page of sarcastic writing and the back cover with my lovely brush dumping. Of course, if you do care for some reason, feel free to tell someone! I mean in all honesty, my most prideful work is just a 4 page essay about how you should feel about something, SO WHY NOT GO EVANGELIST ON SOMEBODY? Take some opinions to heart, go crazy. We’re all really proud of our magazine just like every other LASA freshman and their dog, make no doubt, but we all know that the amount of care just exploding out of everyone’s noses around here about this particular magazine from everyone else pretty much mirrors our own towards the outside world. Now, IF you happen to still be reading to this point, consider yourself to be a worthy reader, so let it be known to you: Bananas and chocolate taste really good together. 6 Swerve · Spring Edition

N FU S T C FA

about

“Spongebob” creator Steve Hillenburg was a marine biologist, science teacher and a fry cook at a seafood restaurant before he went to art school to study cartooning.

Spongebob lives in a pineapple because they’re common in Polynesian crafts. Hillenburg said it was also because he thought that Spongebob would like the smell of a pineapple. Smell is a very important sense to sea creatures.

Spongebob’s name was originally going to be “Spongeboy,” but the name was already taken for a mop product. However, Hillenburg wanted to keep “Sponge” in the name so that people wouldn’t think that Spongebob was a “cheese man.”

By Clare Z.

Spongebob’s driver’s license says he was born on July 14th, 1986, but he was already living by himself and trying to get a job when the show debuted in 1999.

Although Squidward has six legs, he is nonetheless an octopus. Animators thought that eight legs made him look too burdened. This explains why he is so antisocial, because squid live in groups while octopi are solitary animals. Picture courtesy of houseofthemes.com

Spring Edition · Swerve 7

Not That Different Ravers, Rap Junkies, and preps alike, all listening to the same music, yet constantly proclaiming amongst themselves about how different it is. BY LUIGI C.

On a day-to-day basis, music junkies argue and bicker amongst themselves about how the other person’s music of choice is far inferior to their own. These debates go between rock and rap, country and trance, and almost any genre or subgenre of music with what the debater believes to be its closest polar opposite. You’ll see one kid who listens to rap come into contact with a kid who listens to “Electronica” and get all in a huff about how much that music sucks compared to rap, and while this is a pretty normal occurrence among the Rock vs. Electronic Dance Music (EDM), the mentality “Electronica sucks” bled over from the Alt. Rock movement which made its advent around the beginning of EDM’s movement into the public eye in the late 1990s to early 2000s. the problem with the mentality was the fact that the people who listened to rap, and who now listen to modern pop, were not only ripping on their own musical tastes, but comparing them to tracks and artists who were pumping out practically the same stuff, the only difference being in the ways that the lyrics are brought forth. There was just an overbearing stereotype that electronic music was all mechanistic and repetitive to the point of ear bleeding (based mostly on the actual “Techno” subgenre of EDM, which actually adhered to that stereotype) while everything else, specifically anything with lyrics, was new and innovative and constantly changing, was brought out into the world of the rap junkies and pop fangirls. This opinion formed despite Alt-rock’s nearly inescapable “intro, first stanza, pre-chorus, chorus, second stanza, another pre-chorus, ad lib/break, chorus, drop the music for a few bars and listen to the singer, then bring it all back in the chorus with gusto, and close” algorithmic song structure described by the kind patrons of Wikipedia, which could easily be found in nearly any rock rap or pop song you could find. The problem with that frame of thought bleeding over to the pop and rap scenes was that it stuck, and over the past couple of years the three scenes have Spring Edition · Swerve 9

10 Swerve · Spring Edition

Art by L. Cannatti

become more and more similar; artists like Akon, and many other rappers like Kanye West and T-Pain have stopped rapping and started singing through vocoders, more commonly known as the Auto-Tune. According to Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music, a flash website which chronicles the introductions of different Electronica subgenres, the sound orginated in the Nu Italo Disco subgenre of House and was brought into the public eye by Daft Punk. Of course the rapper’s version of the vocoder is notably different from the poppy 80’s version, namely in that it doesn’t it doesn’t vary nearly as much in pitch and tone. You’ll find that a rap song, while now a lot more melodic than it used to be, is usually only holds a variation of three notes. Another instance where the two are the same is the startling similarity between rap background music and the main automation in a lot of early nineties trance, Eric Prydz’ Deeper Still and Three Drives on a Vinyl’s Greece 2000 being prime examples. Take Eminem and have him rap over the buildup portions of the songs, break out the chorus over the breakdown, and you’ve got yourself the next Rap/R’n’B hit. Another startling similarity falls between what has evolved recently to become “pop” music, and another, more recent development in the house sector of EDM: Electro House. It’s a sound that has been sweeping through nightclubs everywhere these days, from the exclusive new-years parties at the palmer events center to the weekly rooftop parties at Lanai. This music is consistently battling the tech house scene for places on the BeatPort® Top 10, and I cant easily say what style came from what, but it is possible that they both just came from mixing Funk sounds with something else.

In the case of Ke$ha, an artist who recently made her debut in the pop scene, she basically puts vocoded lyrics over an electro house song being used as background, which becomes very much obvious when you listen to an instrumental version. A perfect example of how similar her song Tik Tok is to most Electro House is the James Kayn remix of Remady’s track No Superstar Take out the parts where Moby is singing, and you get the same thing as Ke$ha without lyrics: a fat bass kick for a beat, every other one of which is overlapped with a clap, some dulled snare hits between them, the deep, squelchy analogue synthesizer pattern which loops every four beats, and occasionally the higher octave poppy, crackly synthesizer pattern which denotes the chorus is in progress, in essence, the same thing. The differences between the two are these: No Superstar occasionally brings in a synth pad, the really soft stuff, Ke$ha does not, leaving the lyrics to cover it up. The lyrics, interestingly enough are the only other notable difference: while Ke$ha’s are vocoded to the point of sounding synthetic, the vocals in “No Superstar” are passed through a reverberation filter and made to seem distant, warm and friendly. Despite these striking similarities in genuine musical content, people will still argue and battle over the three as thought they had about as much in common as the number nine and the color pink. They continually debate the “striking difference” between the three genres, and the answer to why, lies in the lyrics.

The huge difference between these subgenres of EDM (and yes, they are all technically EDM) is the lyrics and the way they are presented. Ke$ha writes rock lyrics about dancing, and runs them through a vocoder, again following that overused algorithm for lyrical music writing. Akon will write them somewhat similarly, but about an entirely different subject, and the background music will be much more subdued than that of your average Big Beat breaks tune, and of course pass what he says through a vocoder. With the rest of EDM, the lyrics rarely last longer than one stanza and are looped. They can be synthesized by a computer, passed through a million filters to make them sound like deep bass machines or sung without computer interference except for the added echo and reverb effects. The thing that people need to understand that with regard to original content, EDM is the Mac to the Rap and Pop’s PC in the sense that the two have spent so much time evolving while the Rap and Pop scene has been slowly stealing little features off of EDM, then claiming it for its own, to the point where now, people hear a vocoder and they think “This is Pop,” or “This is Rap.” People no longer associate vocoders with Kraftwerk or the Nu Italo Disco scene. The three genres are really all diversified sub-sub-genres of the Electronic Music genre. Rap music being a very prominent section of the breakbeat subgenre, Electro House being rather obviously a subsection of house, as well as pop, being just like Electro House with about half of the depth removed and with poppy vocoded lyrics overlain. People just need to stop arguing about trivial stuff like this and just accept that a Rap junkie saying that “Electronica Sucks” is a blight on their own musical preference, because in all truthfulness, they’re just not that different. Spring Edition · Swerve 11

ROLLER

Goals By Clare Z.

With the sound of screaming kids and coaches, the thunderous sound of skates pounding the floor, and the general smell of “Playland Skate,” it is nearly sensory overload. The girls skate around and around the track for only two minutes, but are nonetheless struggling to get enough air by the end of the jam. Graphic designer and Recreation-League rollergirl Aimee “Sinnerfold” Blase is just one part of the packed wall of flesh, skating as though her life (or at least her state of non-pain) depends on it. Austin Roller Derby is nonpareil and is sort of a culture in itself. And lately, it seems that there has been a lot of buzz about it, with the movie Whip It in October and the new season of TXRD (Texas Roller Derby) that started in January. The game seems in12 Swerve · Spring Edition

timidating to most people who don’t play. The roller girls may seem like they’re unapproachable and menacing, and the game might seem more about showmanship than sport, but Blase says otherwise. “I think it’s really cool to see girls just playing their hearts out. It is the most difficult sport that I’ve for sure ever played that I can think of,” Blase said. She mentions the intensity of the sport and the confusion that people feel when they’re playing. The strategy of the game is very complex, with the players literally on offense and defense at the same time because there are two jammers. “That’s kind of enough to make your brain explode. So I think that’s why it’s cool... I think that people don’t realize how much of a serious athletic endeavor it is. But I

think everybody’s perspective, especially fans, may be totally different, you know? But for me it’s the most difficult, the most incredible sport I’ve ever played.” However difficult derby may be, people don’t have to have been skating for a really long time to play it. For the Rec-League, new rollergirls have to go to a primer. Primer is about learning form, and the rollergirls just learn to skate and fall properly for four weeks before they can take a hit. Blase said that her roller derby spark had been ignited after she and her husband moved to Austin five years ago and she had seen a flyer for the bank track rollergirls. “I just thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen and I totally wanted to do it. I roller bladed a little bit in high school for fun and in college, just around campus and stuff and I just love love loved it. But I just didn’t think I was cool enough, and those girls look awfully scary and full of tattoos.” But not all of the people who play roller derby are

the intense feminists that lots of people make them out to be. Even Blase said that she was sort of a tomboy and nerd when she was younger. The very petite, 12-year-old Katie “Kuromi” of the Rec-League’s Derby Brats team said, “You can be really girly and still play this. Like a lot of people they’re a bunch of tomboys out there, but you can be the girliest girl in the world, and if you can take a hit, you can play this.” Katie said that her derby name, “Kuromi,” is the name of a Sanrio character, and is Hello Kitty’s nemesis. Kuromi’s character is very sweet, but is evil at the same time. “She’s super girly, and super mean, and that’s a big part of derby, like, you can be both,” Katie said. Not everyone who plays has to be incredibly strong or burly to take a hit. As long as they keep themselves close to the ground, they are less likely to get bowled over. It’s mainly the standing up straight that causes people to fall. “It also doesn’t matter how big you are, how small Spring Edition · Swerve 13

All photos by Bill Smotrilla, except for on article title page the art is by Clare Z. and C. Testa.

you are, because I can take down people like probably a hundred pounds more than I am, just because if you’re low and have a good center of balance, and you’re willing to just kind of thrust your body to the side, you can take down people. And there are some people that are larger and really fast, too,” Katie said. The entire team has to be in the bent knees, leaning forward position. While maybe looking a little uncomfortable, the rollergirls are somewhat safer from being injured as long as they keep their good form. Injuries in roller derby are almost always caused by people being too tired and forgetting their form. People get hurt standing around more often than just getting hit because they are trained to take a hit and fall correctly when they are learning the game. “I’m such a beginner that I am just trying to learn the game. Pretty much my weakness is just…roller derby? But I’m a pretty good skater so I guess my strength is just skating. But when the other girls and the groups get involved, that’s where my skills kind of diminish. But I’m working on it,” Blase said, laughing. Katie mentions that her team, like many others, has 14 Swerve · Spring Edition

strength in that many of the girls are into the game and actually try to further their skills. Their weaknesses lie in the fact that some girls are just there and don’t show any interest in the game. But as the teams continue to practice, they get better. Their trainers are the professional rollergirls themselves. “They’re amazing. And so nice and, you know, a lot of sports can be intimidating and this is definitely a tough sport, but if you’re really trying, if you’re trying, they’re her to help you and they’re so so gracious and cool about it,” Blase said. Many people rule out roller derby because they’re wimpy and uncoordinated. But that’s the purpose of the primer, for helping people to become strong skaters. And rollergirls don’t always have to be the stereotypical hard-core eating-nails type. People don’t have to be an amazing athlete like Katie. Anyone can play derby as long as they can take a hit.

Degrees of Gaiety

Raging Metrosexual! Frequently wearing bright clothing, and taking part in all of the stereotypical gay activities, this person of course is still straight, but portrays as much gay attitude and personality as possible. These people also pride themselves in being well groomed and generally awesome and more nice than other men.

♂♂ Gay!

This sexual orientation contains all of the nice caring and sensitive men with no sexual desire towards women other than a love partner. And women love them.

I’M NOT GAY OR METRO!

E B O

☺♂♂

METROSKETCH

This type of person denies their metrosexuality but clearly portrays characteristics of a metrosexual person.

H P O

M O H

A person irrationally scared of homosexual people or gays. These people are more often men than women. Based on a poll, women are smarter than men concerning this. These people are idiots.

HETEROPHOBE!

This person is crazy scared of straight people, for good reason! He or she is disgusted by all hetero activities. This person is also a raging homo. Like super-raging. Like Testa.

♀♂

stereotypically STRAIGHT To be stereotypically straight, a pre-requisite is that you have no gay-relations and that you do not partake in any activities that can be stereotyped as “gay” or “homo”. After this is completed, then the next step is to remove yourself from any femnine activities, showing confidence in your “manhood.”

The Top 9 of SoCo Where you should be chilling in Austin

1. Parts & Labour: A small crazy-awesome local apparel shop, located at 1117 South Congress Ave. 2. Home Slice Pizza: Serving the best pizza in Austin, found at 1415 South Congress Ave. 3. Big Top: Self-proclaimed “greatest candy shop the world has ever known” right at 1706 South Congress Ave. 4. Monkey See Monkey Do: The most interesting compilation of toy shopiness and wonderfulness ever, down at 1712 South Congress Ave 5. Hey Cupcake: Self-explanatory, but not enough to explain that their cupcakes are the mega-best ever, located at 1600 South Congress Ave 6. Lucy in Disguise: A super awesome eccentric apparel shop, found at 1600 South Congress Ave 7. Texas French Bread: Pastry. Yummy Pastry. What more could you want? 1722 S Congress Ave 8. Jo’s Coffee: Hot smexy cofee 1300 South Congress Ave 9. Uncommon Objects: Crazy bright antiques! 1512 South Congress Ave

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By C. Testa From outside all you can see is a small shop covered in pale blue paint with a red arrow reading Parts & Labour. Another small silver sign sits above the shop with blue letters reading the shop’s name again. In a small window sits a green neon “open” sign. Parts & Labour sits next to an empty lot on South Congress, or SoCo. When walking inside your eyes are lit up by bright colors shining from bright fabrics and shining jewelry. “More than local being important is independent being important,” says the owner of Parts & Labour, Lizelle Villapando. Parts & Labour sells only local and independent products that are unique to Texas. Many things that Parts & Labour sells are only available in one copy and can’t be replicated. In most chain stores every garment has hundreds of pieces in back stock that were all made in sweatshops and imported from some far off place, but Parts & Labour is far from like that. It’s no secret that there are a number of Austinites who openly support local businesses and that a large part of Austin’s culture is about preserving those businesses. SoCo has a large collection of some of the shops very unique to Austin, each of which is supported greatly by the Austin culture, which prides itself on independence and uniqueness. Lizelle says “It’s important to sell local products to me because it makes me feel like I know exactly where my money is going.” Everything that’s sold in Parts & Spring Edition · Swerve 17

Photo Courtesy by Parts & Labour

Parts & Labour on SoCo A LITTLE SHOP SELLING ALL LOCAL PRODUCTS

Ctd. Parts & Labour on SoCo Another page of SoCo culture and Austin Pride all for you to read and enjoy

The North Wall of P&L

A display of some of the colorful clothes and garments sold in Parts & Labour

Photos by C. Testa Labour had to have been approved by Lizelle and in the average Austinite’s interest, she only shows interest in local and independent products. Lizelle began to care about independance after she worked in the Gap right after getting out of college. She says “looking at these clothes and realizing I’m hustling customers, I told my manager I had to quit right before Christmas.” Lizelle quit because she started thinking about how what she was selling didn’t cost nearly as much to make as it was sold for. On top of that, she says that making about $8 per hour and knowing that the money she was paid with was the money she hustling out of people wasn’t a good feeling. Being a local store that promotes independent manufacturers, Parts & Labour had a small start, but hit it big with a “boutique-y” look. Originally, Parts &

18 Swerve · Spring Edition

Labour was owned by the same person who owned New Bohemia, Alexandra Renwick, but changed ownership later. The idea behind Parts & Labour started when Lizelle and a friend of hers, Talena Rasmussen, began making screenprinted shirts, dresses, skirts, and other clothes, and sold them at a party at Club de Ville, but were left with excess merchandise. In 2003, Alexandra noticed that their handmade clothes were becoming fashionable and because one of Alexandra’s dealers was leaving she offered a space in New Bohemia for Lizelle and Talena to sell their leftover clothe. Soon after, Alexandra proposed the idea of opening a shop that only sold local merchandise. Lizelle and Talena took the offer and opened Parts & Labour in what is now the men’s section of New Bohemia. The only catch to this move was that

Lizelle and Talena were going to have to fork-up 10% of the money made on the sales floor. Before, Lizelle and Talena were only manufacturing the clothes and products they made, and now they needed to sell the products too. After six months the stock started getting low- so they tried to bring the sewing machine up to the shop, but that didn’t fix the problem. Lizelle says that this was also “in addition to the fact that we, Talena and I, weren’t really liking how the store was being merchandised.” When Talena mentioned this to Alexandra, someone who had a knack for making vintage things look cute and displaying well, but not quite what Lizelle and Talena were selling, she said that she’d lease the business to them. In 2004 the ownership of Parts & Labour was given over to Lizelle and

Furry Little Hats! A stand of bright furry hats sold in Parts & Labour.

Talena. Then, in 2009 Parts & Labour moved to a location further down SoCo because of a need for space from its location next to New Bohemia. At a point, one of Lizelle’s friends tried to get in the door on a busy weekend and physically couldn’t even make it through the door. The space problems seemed to have gotten drastic before they moved. When people find out that Parts & Labour is getting new products all the time, a number of people are inclined to check in from time to time. “Even if it’s a replenishing of something we sell or brand new never been seen before, somebody’s showing up everyday.” Lizelle says. Sadly though, many of the things in Parts & Labour are made and then will never be replicated. “If you want it you need to get it because you may miss your window [of opportunity]” says Lizelle.

“Even if it’s a replenishing of something we sell or brand new never been seen before, somebody’s showing up everyday.” Another difficulty that Parts & Labour has to deal with is that there are so many manufacturers that they have to deal with and not all of them are very punctual with their products. “For every product there’s a person and every person has a different personality and it’s a

lot to keep up with.” Lizelle says. Parts & Labour is all about unique things, and so the things that are replicated and re-created are still some of the more unique things out there in Austin, Texas. Lizelle likes to see improvement in the products and people she sells. She remembered how the soaps they sell used to be little handcut blocks wrapped in twine, and how eventually, instance-by-instance, they became a little more professional. They’re getting more out of state inquiries to their products than ever nowadays and they’re even getting requests from out of country people! So take this as a cue to check out the nifty little shop with booming Men’s T-Shirts, Kid’s Clothing, and Jewelry sections, located at 1117 South Congress Ave, conveniently found on Austin’s very own, very unique, SoCo. Spring Edition · Swerve 19

Barton rings p S VOTED BEST TEEN HANG OUT BY THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE. HOME TO SOME OF AUSTIN’S MOST UNIQUE CULTURE. HABITAT OF THE AUSTINITE MERMAID. ITS ALMOST SUMMER, AND THAT MEANS SWIMMING, RUNNING, PLAYING AND EATING SNOWCONES. BY LUIGI C.

Barton Springs is commonly known by locals as “the jewel of Austin”. Listed as the number one top teen hang out by the Austin Chronicle last year, the pool maintains its green grass, trees, and clear water to date. Over the past decade or so, Barton Springs has become a very central location for teens to swim, walk around, and for gangly teenage boys to take a gander at the occasional mermaid walking around without a shirt. With summer coming up, the pool will once again be thriving and full of people jumping off the diving board and relaxing on the grass just like they were last summer. “Its my 2009 summer. Its like coming down here, bussing for an hour and a half to get down here every day,” said Quentin E-L, a student at McCallum High School and a devoted patron of the springs. “The entire park is just beautiful.” Quite a few students visited the springs last summer, all getting there by different means. Most students under 16 get rides from their parents, some take the city bus, and those who live closer will sometimes bike. One of the many reasons people do love the springs is the availability of food in the nearby areas. A short walk down Barton Springs Road will take you to Chuy’s or Uncle Billy’s BBQ, and a slightly longer walk will take you to South Lamar, which

has food vendors on almost every corner. One such restaurant is Taco Bell. “I like Taco Bell,” Quentin said and chuckled, “Gotta get that taco bell.” To Sara Marler, a devoted patron of the springs, the social aspect of the springs is one of the four parts of the “spheres” of development that she feels she ought to raise her children with, that Barton Springs offers: spiritual, athletic, academic, and social development. By far the most prominent of the four spheres is the social aspect. Convenient in its very central location, the pool is easy to get to from almost anywhere you live, if you can get downtown. The pool often serves as a middle point for groups of people who have friends in both north and south Austin. And of course, there’s always the pool to jump in if you ever get hot, and for the past ten years getting hot has been rather easy with the record high temperatures and droughts, which in addition to bringing clear skies on a day to day basis, has also been slowly killing the trees at the pool. “Presented by Friends of Barton Springs Pool in cooperation with Austin Parks Foundation,” explains the website for the Friends of Barton Springs Pool organization, “the Tree-athlon will raise fun and tax deductible funds for purchasing and maintaining trees for Barton Springs Pool”

The treeathlon ended with news cameras, food, and a keg to celebrate. Spring Edition · Swerve 21

Many people go to the springs for exercise, Mike Cannatti, the man behind the Tree-athlon, being one of them. Last summer, he would get up early in the morning every day and bike down to the springs and swim a couple of laps, and bike home. He, like many, enjoys the clearness of the water in the morning before all the recreational swimmers would come in and muck it up.

“We got very good sponsorship from Vincent & Elkins, Silicon Labs, Hamilton Terrile, and about 12-15 other companies that all basically said ‘oh, this is worthwhile, I’ll give some money to this’” he said He says the idea of a quick jog, a small bike, then a speedy dunk in the pool followed by everyone running off to the nearest bar and grabbing a beer would seem very appealing to the slightly less athletically capable. “It’s being designed as an event that is easy and silly. It’s really not trying to be a real triathlon,” he said. “Even my fat old granny could do that.” The Tree-athlon, as is fitting to the name, is a fundraiser made to bring money in to save the trees at Barton Springs pool. Before the actual event Mike estimated that $6,000-7,000 had been raised from sponsors and participants about a week before the event. The event ended up making a total of (info to be found out in a week) “We’re not the only people trying to help with fund raising for the trees,” he said, “but we thought this would be a fun way to help.” “I knew a girl who got up every Sunday night, biked to the springs, drank two beers and swam one length of the pool and left,” said Sara, “and that was her exercise for the week. “It’s a part of the city in terms of its natural beauty, and the clean water.” Barton Springs has a lot to offer academically as well: if you’ve ever been to Barton Springs, you’ve probably seen the placards in front of Eliza Springs, or the Sunken Garden a little further down stream. These combined with the Splash exhibit hosted next to the bathhouses make the whole area a very easy place to pick up tidbits of useful information. In fact, once every year, the Kealing Magnet Program 8th grade class takes a heavily academic field trip down the Barton Creek river bed which ends at Barton Springs where the students learn the history of the creek and the springs as well as the water quality and

Part of the bike path for the treeathlon ran through Zilker Park, Barton Springs’ partner park.

BARTON SPRINGS

................................................................................................................. The Barton Springs are fed by the Barton Springs Pool Concession Edwards Aquifer and have four Stand), Old Mill Springs, found major exit points for the water: within the zilker sunken gardens Parthenia Springs, the main supply downstream of the pool, and for the pool, Eliza Springs (some- Upper Barton Springs, which is times known as the “concession located in the creekbed of Barspring” for its location next to the ton Creek. what it means for the creek and the pool. “We were going to do some tests in the water,” said Elizabeth B., a LASA student who went on the field trip last year, “but it was so hot and dry that all the water had dried up so we just hiked some more and then ate lunch.” Said Sara, “The pool wouldn’t be the same if you were walking around on a bunch of dry dead grass.” And with the drought the city has been in for the past 5-10 years, that isn’t such an uncommon occurance. But when it’s there, the green grass at Barton Springs

is always a nice place to lie down and relax, which, as Sara later said, was a very important part about Barton Springs- the spirituality of the place. In 2006, a group of Taoist monks came to Austin from China and blessed the springs, calling it “the main artery of the city of Austin.” Every so often you might even find mass baptisms going on in the spillway beneath the pool. Even Sara’s brother was baptized in the springs. The springs are held dear by a great many people in the Austin area and abroad, by patrons and environmentalists alike, but the most common interest, as it has been for nearly five decades, is keeping the social hub alive. Spring Edition · Swerve 23

Autotune the

What?!

Autotune has become increasingly more and more prevalent in music nowadays, even reaching those genres of music that don’t utilize the now well known Cher BY LORNA M.

The majority of today’s society loves cheaters and despises uniqueness. Although students who cheat on tests and school assignments are still scorned upon and made to face the consequences, a generation of cheaters who are as unique as baked potatoes has emerged that has become very popular. These cheaters are not those who cheat on tests or school assignments. Instead, they are cheaters who use a software program called Auto-Tune to perfect their tuning and to attain the same effects they hear on other people’s music. Anyone can sing using Auto24 Swerve · Spring Edition

Tune. All that is required is a skilled recording engineer and the software. Because of the way the software works, anyone can sing into a mic and be perfectly in tune. People can even “sing” while talking in a monotone. To illustrate this point, Michael Gregory, a 24-year-old Brooklyn musician, created a series of videos called Auto-Tune the News in which he combined different news clips, added a techno background, and Auto-Tuned the newscasters. The result of this efforts is a series of extremely entertaining videos that deftly show how Auto-Tune can make

it so that anyone can sing. However, the ability to sing doesn’t automatically guarantee quality. Although the news has been modified into a song, this doesn’t mean that Auto-Tune the News is the best quality of music. Similarly, although many singers are now using Auto-Tune, their music isn’t necessarily that good. Making good music requires more than the ability to sing, whether through hard work or through a machine. Making good music also includes putting forth the emotion required to move people. “Sometimes a singer will do lots of takes when they’re

hit notes as perfectly as it does when put on Auto-Tune. Even the best singers don’t sing perfectly in tune. One such singer is Norah Jones, who is described as “the poster girl of pure vocals” in the February 5, 2009 issue of Time. “There’s some wonderful imperfections of pitch on ‘Don’t Know Why’ from Come Away with Me [by Norah Jones] and most of the other tunes on the album as well,” says Jim Anderson, professor of Clive Davis department of recorded music at New York University and president of Audio Engineering Society. “But I wouldn’t want to change a single note.” Since anyone can sing with Auto-Tune, AutoTune is a crutch that professional musicians should not use or depend upon. To do so is the equivalent of cheating. By using AutoTune to hit notes that would otherwise be unreachable or to be in tune, the singer is telling the world that they can indeed naturally hit that note or sing in tune when they in fact can’t. This is similar to cheating on a test. By getting a perfect score on a test, you are showing the world that you know the material on the tests when you don’t. Unfortunately, many celebrities use Auto-Tune not just on albums but also in live settings. Some such celebrities are country stars Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Rascal Flatts, and Reba McEntire. Although Tim McGraw and Faith Tim McGraw “live” in concert

recording a song, and you can really hear the emotional difference when someone does a great performance vs. an average one. If you’re pitch-correcting, you might not bother to make the effort. You might just get it done and put it through the machine so it’s all in tune,” says Rick Rubin, a record producer and the co-head of Columbia Records. Although Auto-Tune can make a song technically correct, it can’t add emotion to a song as of now. However, people still use Auto-Tune. Although humans strive for perfection regularly, it unnatural for a human voice to be able to Photo Courtesy of: openeye flickr.com/photos/openeye

Hill can actually sing, they use Auto-Tune to guarantee a good performance and to give their fans “what they paid to see.” So apparently what their fans want to see is not a live performance that symbolizes all of the hard work they’ve put in to get to their state of fame and success but rather a synthesized performance that could be achieved by anyone with the money needed to buy the Auto-Tune software and put on a concert. Neko Case, who is also a country singer, is deeply opposed to Auto-Tune and its use in the studio and in live settings. Case admits that she’s “not a perfect note-hitter either” but stresses that she’s “not going to cover it up with Auto-Tune.” According to Case, Auto-Tune is “for people like Shania Twain who can’t sing.” Case says, “When I hear Auto-Tune on somebody’s voice, I don’t take them seriously. Or you hear somebody like Alicia Keys, who I know is pretty good, and you’ll hear a little bit of AutoTune and you’re like, ‘You’re too good for that. Why would you let them do that to you?’ “ One time Case asked “a studio guy in Toronto” how many people sang live in the studio and didn’t use Auto-Tune. The “studio guy” replied, “You and Nelly Furtado are the only two people who’ve never used it in here.” In fact, Ari Raskin, the chief engineer of Chung King, estimates that “99% of all pop music has corrective Auto-Tuning.” However, Auto-Tune isn’t just used to keep vocals in tune. The advent of Auto-Tune has also brought a new sound to the music scene, which is called the Cher Spring Edition · Swerve 25

effect in Auto-Tune’s fifth release version, named so after the singer who introduced the sound. The Cher effect is an effect that is produced when the re-tune speed on Auto-Tune is set to zero. This means that the software transitions from note to note in zero milliseconds. The result of this is a stair step effect on the Auto-Tune screen. When this effect is played at high speeds, it produces an effect that is described as “the gerbil” by some recording engineers and “’robotic” by others. After Cher’s singer Believe, many people started copying this effect. One such artist is T-Pain, perhaps one of the most famous (or infamous) users of Auto-Tune. After discovering the Cher effect from one of Jennifer Lopez’s songs, T-Pain started using Auto-Tune on all of his songs, saying that there are many things he can do with Auto-Tune to change the mood of a record. Due partially to T-Pain’s extensive use of Auto-Tune and the Cher effect, the Cher effect has now become more prominent in pop music. For example, JoJo used the Cher effect in her single Too Little Too Late to achieve a slightly robotic effect, which can be heard on the word “problem.” Avril Lavigne also used the Cher effect in her single Complicated. This effect can be heard most on the words “way,” “when,” “driving,” and “you.” In fact, as of February 25, 2010, there are 25 songs on the Top 40s Chart that have audible signs of the Cher effect. Auto-Tune and the Cher effect are perfectly fine to use. However, like everything else, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Because of the overuse of the Cher effect, pop music is now suffering. The sale of pop music is declining although genres of music where the singers actually sing, such as indie music, are still going strong. Craig Anderton, a producer and music writer who has worked with people like Norah Jones and Cassandra Wilson, is a promoter of Auto-Tune when used correctly and discreetly and thinks that Auto-Tune doesn’t get enough credit when it’s used correctly. “If someone uses it tastefully just to correct a few notes here and there, you don’t even know that it’s been used so it doesn’t get any props for doing a good jog,” Anderton says. “But if someone misuses it, it’s very obvious the sound quality of the voice changes and people say ‘Oh, it’s that Auto-Tune - it’s a terrible thing that’s contributing to the decline and fall of Western music as we know it.’ “ The sales of pop music are also decreasing because of the lack of emotion in pop 26 Swerve · Spring Edition

music nowadays. Lester Bans, a rock critic, said that the reason we listen to music at all is to hear “passion expressed.” Auto-Tune helps create lazy singers who don’t work hard to put emotion in their songs and takes out much emotion in the music as a result of correcting pitch. As Tony Sclafani of MSNCB says, “...if there’s no feeling, why listen at all?”

A History of Auto-Tune Andy Hildebrand invents Auto-Tune in late 1996. Auto-Tune is a studio secret at first and is only used for its original purpose - tuning singers’ voices automatically. The creation of Auto-Tune saves time and money for recording studios and recording engineers. Cher discovers the Cher effect (also known by some as the T-Pain effect because of T-Pain’s extensive use of this effect and uses it her song Believe. Auto-Tune becomes more prominently known.

T-Pain discovers the Cher effect in one of Jennifer Lopez’s song. He likes the sound and starts using it in his songs.

The Cher effect becomes more prominent in pop music and is used by more and more pop singers.

More singers start using Auto-Tune. As a result, the sale of pop music and the quality of music and singers decreases.

Facebook is a dying breed of social networks. What once was a good site to reconnect with old friends has since become home to a host of cancerous and obnoxious fanpages. Luigi C.

AVOIDING THE CANCER

HOW TO IDENTIFY A FACBOOK CANCER PAGE

E TH T RS FI ON RS R PE LA I U S NG Y SI SA TE HA U. YO

S K

R A

N “WE O I T WONT PAY” A T O “MUST BECOME U Q A FAN TO SEE” 2. the “quotes” These are the fanpages with movie quotes or memorable parts of internet viral videos. Not particularly harmful as a general rule, as there just arent enough hyper-quotable material out there to compete. A good example of such is the page called “SQUIRREL!”, a reference to the disney movie “UP”. Sometimes these pages are disguised by removing the quotes. the easiest way to know if you can’t tell automatically is to look at the wall posts. If every single one of them says the same thing, it’s probably a movie quote.

3. Annual Unsolicited shitstorm

This is a breed that’s been around since the dawn of facebook, and it kind of accompanies another strain which advertises facebook group chat, profile view notifications, modified profile color schemes, etc. The first most important thing to know while dealing with these pages is this: you cannot get an update for facebook by inviting people to join a group. Secondly, and most importantly, facebook will NEVER charge for its services. yet every year, another copy of this page shows up and gets a million fans.

4. ITS A TRAP THIS is the god of viral fanpages: behold, “OMG I CANT BELIEVE MEGAN FOX USED TO LOOK LIKE THIS.” Without fail, these pages always have either a picture or a link hidden in a fans only area of the page. Recently however, the entrepreneurial spirit made a show in this breed: people started putting in links to blogspot pages with surveys which make the owners of the pages rich, or sharecash pages with the same effect. A sneaky method of dealing with these pages is to

1. YOU and I Hate Everything

One of the more telltale signs of an annoying fanpage is the use of a 1st or 2nd pronoun. Things like “When i zone out, i think of you <3” and “dont you hate it when you change your name to skip but you still cant ride horses.” This strain of fanpage operates by speaking to your inner pronoun, but beware: this strain is very contagious. ”hello my name is ______, and i have a becoming a fan problem” is by far the most ironic of these pages.

become a fan to see the picture, then UNLIKE the page when you’re done, so you get the picture, and everyone else gets a cleaner news feed.

How Each OS Is Seen Through The Eyes Of The Users Of Each

MAC

LINUX

LINUX e USER th a m f ro o F iew v

WINDOWS

Objectifed

MAC USER WINDOWS USER

Swerve · Spring Edition 29

Chapstick Logo! Designed by American artist Frank Wright, Jr.

Chapstick is on Facebook! They want to “hear what your lips have to say each and every day.”

2009

Chapstick works with fashion designer Esteban Cortazar to create a line of Chapstick swimsuits in support of breast cancer.

2005

SCANDAL! A tube of Chapstick was used as a spy tool to conceal hidden microphones during the Watergate break-in.

1970s

The A.H. Robbins bought the rights to Chapstick from the Morton Manufacturing Corporation.

1963

Through the Ages By Clare Z.

Dr. C.D. Fleet invented the first lip balm, which resembled a small wickless candle wrapped in tin foil.

1880s

1930s

Fleet sold his recipe to John Morton for a pricey $5. FLeet hadn’t sold enough of his product to make worth all of his efforts. Morton and his wife started production of pink Chapstick in their kitchen, putting it in brass tubes and becoming successful.

1912

iPad Fail

The New iPad: A big, pricey, cheap quality, fat iPod that has features lacking purpose With Apple’s release of the iPhone several years ago, we saw a huge pricing catastrophe where the release price was extremely high and the price dropped dramatically- and now we have another Photo courtesy of: Ben30 on Flickr new Apple product: the iPad. The cheapest iPad, which is $499, is devoid of any features such as 3G internet. While the iPad has not been officially released for sale and we do not know what quality it may hold, Apple has a trend of over-pricing its products, as is seen in the iPhone’s pricing and each Macintosh computer’s pricing. I cannot argue that Apple does not create quality products, but the fact that they are over-priced is apparent once each product’s price history is examined. In 2006, the iPhone’s lowest release price was $499. Then, out of the two models, the cheapest model was discontinued and the more expensive ($599) model was then cut down by a third in price to $399. Recently, the iPhone’s most expensive model, the iPhone 3G S, has been priced at $199 and the cheaper model’s (iPhone 3G) least expensive version is priced at $99. The price for service has also dropped enormously- to $69.99, as seen on the AT&T website. Furthermore, as Christian Zibreg makes apparent in a post made to a technology and science forum, TGDaily’s “Are Apple Computers Overpriced”, Apple computers simply cannot compare to PCs, even PCs that match accordingly to Apple computers in tech specs. Apple over-prices its products even when they have completely equal PC counterparts, and when PCs are equal to the Apple computers, the PCs dominate the Apple computers in capability. Apple has also released products that were not as capable as they could be. The latest Mac Pro release (one of Apple’s laptop computers) has had several glitches, which mostly have been graphics glitches. And on top of these graphics problems, when posts had been made on forums discussing these problems and seeking help, no response was provided from the Apple administrators. There were also rumors that Apple administrators had removed posts discussing the graphics glitches. Cnet recognized these graphics glitches in February 2008 while Apple had made no comment about it until their “MacBook Pro: Distorted video or no video issues” post had been added to the Apple Support Forums in late May of 2009. If Apple covers up problems like this about its Mac Pros, there is now no way of being sure that Apple will not try to cover up potential problems about the iPad. Ars Technica, a website specializing in original news, reviews and analysis of technology trends, wrote in an article, “Apple rebuts Microsoft’s criticism that Macs are overpriced,” and that their stance is while the computers are actually over-priced, the software which is run on them is so “day-to-day” that the easy user-interface is well worth the money. Bill Evans, an Apple spokesman, told BusinessWeek “The one thing that both Apple and Microsoft can agree on is that everyone thinks the Mac is cool. With its great designs and advanced software, nothing matches it at

i + Pod x 4 = iPad

30 Swerve · Spring Edition

Art by Luigi C.

Expectations for the iPad Second Generation

“The one thing that both Apple and Microsoft can

If Apple hasn’t properly assigned release prices for both its hardware and its software before, then it should be expected that the iPad’s price will fall similarly to that of the iPhone and other Apple products, but still remain above proper value. While all companies need to make money and profit from their products, the amount to which Apple overprices their products is just excessive. With all the new technological developments that are being made every day, Apple shouldn’t assume that when they incorporate new features into the new models, more people will buy them. People will always be looking to own the best products, and when Apple acts like they won’t make enough money from the initial releases and they overprice initial models, they just drive possible customers away. The simple answer is that the iPad will be much cheaper in a year or so and will have much better features then. So go ahead and buy the wonderful iPad everyone’s been talking about. Buy it now for much more than it’s worth, and with the worst features it will ever have. For all of you over-priced product lovers, go ahead and buy all of Apple’s products while you’re at it.

agree on is that everyone thinks the Mac is cool.” any price.” However, I can say that cool-ness or “day-today” easy user-interfaces are not what I want for loads of money. I want a computer that does what I tell it to, and sometimes people confuse a computer doing what it wants with “easy user-interface” because it means they have to do less. But for someone who uses a computer for what they want to whenever they want to, an “easy user-interface” is not something they want. Yes, the friendly user-interface is worth something, but all the ridiculously over-priced hardware that goes with it isn’t necessary. There’s no reason to buy an Apple computer when you could buy a PC and run a virtual Macintosh emulator on it and then use the same programs every Apple computer uses. On top of this, that supposed “friendly” user-interface comes with a price- it simply doesn’t work with PCs, unless, of course, you buy more over-priced software from Apple. It’s perfectly fine to work on your own computer, completely and utterly isolated, but when it comes time to get that certain file you need for work or school onto a PC, there’s just no way it’s going to be a pretty sight.

Spring Edition · Swerve 31

Austin is a high-tech city well known for its lakes, Austin City Limits, and Dell.

32 Swerve 路 Spring Edition

Big Gig If Google chooses Austin, they may string the fiber optic cables from telephone poles.

If you had the choice of getting ultra high-speed internet, would you choose to get it? By: Lorna M. Photos courtesy of: Lorna M., http://picasaweb.google.com/HCCBON, and therubberduckie from flickr.com/photos/therubberduckie

“Imagine sitting in a rural health clinic, streaming three-dimensional medical imaging over the web and discussing a unique condition with a specialist in New York. Or downloading a high-definition, full-length feature film in less than five minutes. Or collaborating with classmates around the world while watching live 3-D video of a university lecture.” This is what Google says will be possible when it installs fiber optic cables in one lucky city. On February 11, 2010, Google announced plans to build a fiber optic network in one city in the US for free. This fiber optic network would provide Internet at one gigabit per second, which is a speed unheard of in the US. Current internet speeds in Austin stream at about 14 megabits per second, so an internet speed of 1 gigabit per second would be hundreds of times faster than current internet speeds. This increase in internet speed would apply for everything that relies on the internet. Because of the increase in internet speeds, more applications and processes that require fast internet speeds could be used or created. One such process is the process of uploading large files like videos. “One thing that I can’t do now with the broadband I have now is I can’t upload stuff very well. So for instance, you can use your internet and you can probably look on video pretty well on Youtube, but if you’ve ever tried to upload a video or any big files, you would see that it’s really slow to do,” said Rosenthal. Other applications that exist right now but require a much larger speed could also be used. Although Google would build a fiber optic network through which it would stream its own internet services through for a while, it would also open the network, allowing other service providers to stream Internet through the fiber optic cables at a gigabit per second, too. This, speculates Chip Rosenthal, chair of City of Austin Community Technology and Telecommunications Commission, is what makes the Google fiber optic experiment so exciting to many people. “Not just the fact that it’s super fast but the fact that it’s going to be open [make this experiment exciting]”, says Rosenthal. Current Internet providers such as AT&T and Time Warner Cable stream Internet to consumers through cables that they installed themselves several years ago. As a result, the choice of Internet providers is limited since not all companies have the money or resources to bury cables underground or string cables from telephone poles. By creating an open cable, Google is seeking to increase competition between 34 Swerve · Spring Edition

companies and bring forth better services to consumers. Austin is a high tech city. Although about seventy percent of Austinites have broadband, which streams internet at relatively high rates, Austinites wanted faster internet. When people first heard about Google’s plan to build a fiber optic network in one city, Austinites jumped to the opportunity, sending requests to the city to submit an application within hours of Google’s announcement. This strong community response convinced Rosenthal that Austin had a good chance of getting the fiber optic network. Rosenthal thinks that there are several reasons why Google would want to build their fiber optic network in Austin. “The first reason is they see that they can successfully build the network in Austin quickly and inexpensively. That’s the number one thing... And then point number two is that once the network is built, that people from Austin are going to get on it, use it, put it to interesting uses, create really cool things,” said Rosenthal. “I feel like we did such a good job and we put together a really, you know, really good picture of what the network would look like here.” Austin isn’t the only city that sent an application to Google; over 1,100 cities sent applications to Google. In addition to sending in applications, some cities also performed publicity stunts to get Google’s attention.

A fiber optic light

For example, Richard Clapp, the mayor of Sarasota, Florida, swam with sharks and Topeka, Kansas renamed itself Google for the month of March. However, Austin didn’t perform any stunts. “Austin doesn’t need to do that. I mean, it’s just a cool and such a well-known city, if we try really hard and do a good job that alone should be good enough for our application to be read and I think we did that,” said Rosenthal. Google’s network idea has a lot of support, especially from high school students. In a poll taken in LASA, 149 students out of 166 students agreed with Google’s experiment and thought it should definitely come to Austin. Although many people support Google’s network idea, there are still some people who don’t want Google to come to Austin. Some of these people are worried about Google’s ever expanding influence. Google has a lot of apps that are used by many people “and now we’re saying that we want them to come, we want them to run the cable for internet, and that seems to be too much,” said Rosenthal. Others are worried about internet addiction and the effect a higher-speed internet will have Google may also choose to on those who are addicted to the internet. bury its cables if it were to “[People] stay on the computer all day and choose Austin. so with the fiber optics technology and with the high-speed internet and stuff I don’t think that’s going to shorten the time people spend on the computer and on the internet; it might even increase the time because they think it’s so cool and whatever, you know?” said Michelle Zhang, a freshman student at LASA. There are also people who are worried that with the rise of ultra-high-speed internet wiill come more piracy since the amount of time it takes to download pirated material will be Google is currently reviewing applications. It significantly shortened, giving pirates more time and announced that it would choose several cities with opportunity to pirate material. Rosenthal rebuts this which it would go to and meet with before choosing by saying, “if there’s an ability for people to create the final city. They will announce their choices by music and video and make it available, that creates December 2010. Although only one city will get the opportunity, too. For instance, if you make your own fiber optic network, many think that Google’s point movies or make your own music, now suddenly you in offering one for free is so that other cities around have the ability to publish it and make it available the US will follow the trend and get fiber optic netand maybe even sell it. So I think in the end it ends works at one gigabit, too. So even if Austin doesn’t get up creating more opportunity for us.” Google’s network, hopefully it’ll get its own.

“I don’t think that’s going to shorten the time people spend on the computer... it might even increase the time.”

Spring Edition · Swerve 35

Photos by Kevin Steele, augrust, Andrew J Ferguson, Shannon Archuleta, amfdesigner, Ta2man, Mr David Tomlinson

TO INK

OR NOT TO INK BY CLARE Z.

Driving by a “punk” with tattoos all up and down his arm, my mother makes a disdainful noise in her throat and mutters about how trashy it looks to have tattoos. I agree on my high horse and crane my neck in the passenger seat and continue passing judgment on this person. Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way. According to skininktoday.com, Americans who do not have tattoos said they think that people with tattoos are less attractive (42%), less sexy (36%) less intelligent (31%), and more rebellious (57%). Lots of people have held the opinion that people with tattoos aren’t beautiful and have no taste; in fact, 0% of employers said that tattoos positively affect their decision to hire someone (the Daily Utah Chronicle). I would have included myself in this group until recently when I saw a few episodes of the TV series “LA Ink” which offered me a new perspective on tattoos. “LA Ink” showed me that many people who get tattoos actually have a good reason for doing so other than looking totally #$%!@ rad, bro. The people on the show often have an important event to document, whether it is that their child survived cancer or that they made a best friend because they both unknowingly and simultaneously had the same jerk boyfriend. As the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.” A tattoo can serve as a perpetual reminder to help to keep an eye on a goal or to not lose sight of oneself. Tattoos are also a great way to express one’s personality or views to others. For example, a tattoo of a cross will show people that you are religious, so people will know some aspects of character before they even speak to you. A beautiful adornment on the skin could also simply be a way to brighten one’s day. It is carried

all the time and a pleasing design can cheer someone up whenever they see it. Hardly anyone appreciates prejudice, and more people having tattoos will reduce the opinion that tattoed people are rebels. This will make society be more equal. The Miss Tattoo pageant was founded to serve this purpose. It is a pageant for women with tattoos and it spreads the message that women with tattoos can be pretty and interesting people; the winner of the pageant should have an outgoing personality, a unique sense of style, and a sharp mind. Tattoo shops will attract their share of hooligans or people trying to be spontaneous, as does nearly every field of business. Tattoos can also look inappropriate for jobs (though not as much these days as in the 90s). However, if one regrets being tattooed, he or shecan always go through laser removal. Lasers are used to emit pulses of intense light, which go harmlessly through the epidermis to the dermis (where the tattoo ink is located) and are absorbed by the pigment. The laser energy causes the ink to be fragmented into smaller particles, which are then swept away by the immune system. And if it’s too expensive to have the laser procedure done, it is easy to use makeup to conceal the tattoo. But according to the Harris Interactive Poll for 2003, 83 percent of people with tattoos do not regret getting them. If executed properly, tattoos are interesting and beautiful to look at, but please do yourself and others a favor when you decide to get a tattoo. Think it through; you might one day regret having gotten Porky Pig flipping the bird tattooed on your skin with insoluble ink. Swerve · Spring Edition 37

On-topic Teacher? Everyone loves the occasional teacher who goes on tangents for hours on end. Want one? Here’s all you need to know about how to get a teacher off-topic.

1 Review, anyone? Ask for an oral review before a major test. Since all of the material has already been covered, the teacher won’t be as worried about sticking to the curriculum.

2 Trolling the teacher Trolling (a.k.a. saying something intentially controversial/insulting) the student is always guaranteed to elicit a response from the teacher.

3 Petland Ask the teacher about a subject you know they’re really passionate about. One really good subject for this purpose is pets.

4 New topic While discussing something, introduce a new topic that is slightly related to the current topic. Repeat until you’re completely offtopic.

5 Go with the flow If the teacher makes a random comment, elaborate on it.

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