Real T

REAL T Interviews with John Kelso Mario DiGiorgio Matt Bearden

SPITTING THE TRUTH IN YOUR FACE WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT

About Us

L

ien “The Lion”Fon Chi

Most hilarious person here and founder of the magazine, or also known as Lienlion on the internet. He spends most of his time being awesome at every video game he comes into contact with and frequently goes out to social events unlike most rumors. When he’s not being awesome at everything else, he is making everybody laugh, because he is a natural comedian/athlete/gamer.

Lien gets ready to fight on the internet.

C

arlos Mendoza

Likes long walks by the beach and chocolate strawberries. He is looking for a long-term relationship and maybe friends in the near future. And after a good game of playing games he likes to settle down and cuddle with his teddy bear. Carlos also likes to WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB.

Oh, I didn’t see you taking my picture.

O

ran Lopez Reed

Known mainly for not being nearly as funny as other members of Real T, Oran usually goes more in the direction of spitting the truth. He generally spits at school or at social gatherings with other friends, including the Real T members. He is also notorious for not playing as many video games as the Lion, and instead prefers going outside.

Oran wonders why he’s here.

Letter to the Editor Real T is devoted to tell readers of the one true holy opinion. When the tough gets going, we start being kind of offensive. We have enjoyed making a comedy magazine and the development that comes with it, and we hope you enjoy our hard-work. We bring you words from comedians themselves, their experiences and pasts. We have also created our satirical opinions of specific topics that affect the many average readers that hopefully will continue to read this until class ends.

<----The Realest T ever

Real T // Spring Issue//3

Table Of Contents 6 12 20 26

Opinion Pieces Feature Stories Alternative Stories Comedic Comedy Real T // Spring Issue//5

Real T // Opinion Piece

The Language of Prosperity And if you don’t like it you can get out BY: Carlos Mendoza

T

“7 in 10 American students get a high school diploma.”

Mexico now have lower high school completion rates than the U.S.,” Mr. Schleicher said. About 7 in 10 American students get a high school diploma,” how is the United

http://capl.washjeff.edu/4/l/1113.jpg

he language of prosperity, which is American… I mean English, has been preposterously attacked by the language the “ghettos.”

They make English look bad.

Yet the New York Times says otherwise, with “only New Zealand, Spain, Turkey and A typical classroom in the United States

States better in education if the United States isn’t even putting our children through high school.

Newt Gingrich wants to create a United States where the education system will not have bilingual classes. The system will teach minorities the language of prosperity and not make the citizens of the United States learn

the language of living in a ghetto. While my uncle has a good point he might be understating the fact that people in the U.S. don’t know that they are not the richest people in the planet. Like Newt Gingrich doesn’t know that the richest man in the world according to Forbes. com is a Mexican named Carlos Slim Helu(forbes. com), a Mexican man and has not seen some of the

people that live in the United States.

Understand that people in the United States simply don’t know that ‘Merica aint no richest country with good grammar. I know people that have come to the United States, that know up to three languages and are on their way to learning English. When actually the richest people do come from the Middle East where they are oil tycoons. The tycoons are very important in our lives. They provide oil for the world which is the major source of energy, so we give them money which makes them rich. Newt may have forgotten that even though

“Pakistani’s are not a real race, they are made up.” the United States has a good education system, there are still people living in the states that really wonder what education is the United States really giving to the population.

We also have to understand that the man behind the “language of prosperity” also had a run in with a lot of other races. In one his interviews

with in the Jewish community channel he proclaimed that Pakistani’s were not real at all but in fact we imagined the entire race even including the entire country of Pakistan but I think Newt is doing well on the geography and history behind his statement because the United States is known for making an entire country up then create a race, just like Atlantis. Newt Gingrich did actually try to make ammends with the Hispanics mainly due to the fact he learned that they are very crucial to his chances of being elected president. In his apology he tried to speak Spanish. I’m using the term “tried” very loosely. He spoke very poorly. Even with this apology, people will not forget that he said that the education system should stop bilingual classes and make the minorities learn the “language of prosperity” by which he means English. Many people were very angered by this and John Stewart was one of them. John Stewart performed a skit were he and one of his reporters made fun of Gengrich’s ethics, where he makes fun of others ethnicities, were John simply put the whole language of the “ghettos” speech under condescending talk to one another.

Real T // Spring Issue//7

Real T // Opinion Piece

Transformers Trilogy: Putting Star Wars to Shame Henry Falkner could be the bright young mind to turn the world around

By Oran Lopez Reed

A

s we all know, the first three transformers films were possibly the best movies of all time. In fact they were so great that a new movie needs to be written. To find someone capable of this feat, the top action writers

“I was really thinking about those other cool robots like Optimus Prime.”

from around the world have been evaluated and it has come down to five year old Henry Falkner. With earlier works of art such as Destructor 2000 and My first vacation, it’s strange that this young man has not taken the helm of a major production yet. It seems like this will be the chance for him to show the world what it’s been missing.

According to IMDB, Transformers grossed an estimated 709 million dollars, and the most recent classic: Transformers: Dark of the Moon grossed 1.1 billion dollars. This is a phenomenal return for such a precious work of art, although a lot more would still have been fair. Some are even saying that Mr. Falkner could deliver an even more incredible gross, maybe

even pushing one and a half billion dollars. I for one have to agree with that statement.

After reading How I got my First Chocolate, I no longer see things in my life the same way.

Although Mr. Henry Falkner is writing most of the script, he is throwing the genius of his friend, Tommy Planter, onto the team. In a recent press conference, Falkner stated that he had been having some trouble with the character development of Wheeljack, who was played by George Coe in Dark of the Moon, “I was really thinking about those other cool robots like Optimus Prime, and really didn’t know how to integrate Wheeljack into the whole story,” said Falkner, “ Tommy could really help me out.” Some might say

SmugMug

The warriors of the universe

was poured into the plot. In the beginning of the trilogy, Sam is just a high school loser, and by the end he has saved the world three times. If that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t story, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know what is.

Another Transformers sequel needs to be created, and Henry Falkner has the right tools for the job. The first three go into the category of legendary, and a fourth would make this saga indisputably the best ever..

DukeNUS

that another writer could influence Henry badly, but I think this could help him concentrate on what he knows best: action. Even a genius needs help every once in awhile.

According to the Chicago Tribune, The ending scene of Transformers: Dark of the moon (which was almost all action) was an incredible fifty minutes long. I think that it goes with out saying that that amount of time spent watching huge robots kick the crap out of each other is time well spent. Henry Falkner has promised to make this next movie an unbelievable four hours of fighting robots and more characters that definitely do not create huge plot holes. Inexplicably, many usually reliable Newspapers and magazines, such as The Daily Mail and NBC claimed there was really no story and the plot was horrible. I found this extremely aggravating, as it was nonsense for them to say that. I think it is quite obvious plenty of hard work, creativity, and attention to detail

Henry: The playwright prodigy

Real T // Spring Issue//9

Real T // Opinion Piece

Carflix: Mobile Entertainment The New Wave of the Future

By Lien Fon Chi

I

magine a world, where you no longer need to bring a magazine to the car, nor a tablet, or computer, or anything else that brings you entertainment. Netflix’s new idea, might make us one step closer to that. A US Census states that there was 33,808 fatalities due to distractions while driving in 2009. But what do they know?

The public has spent too long without the accessibility of all your favorite movies.

Netflix has made some pretty bad business choices, but I have spent too many hours, in the car bored, waiting for a such an innovative idea to come along. They have teamed up with Sirius to broadcast your favorite shows and movies.

Netflix has truly come up with a genius idea. Many cars do not the ability for movie streaming, but all modern cars have the ability to recieve radio, and with some simple remodeling, your

life can be changed forever. With such accessibility, many Carflix users will be happy with such a decision. Who wants to simply drive and pay attention, when

“There was 33,808 fatalities due to distractions while driving.” you can enjoy an entertainment experience as you drive by a School for the Deaf and Blind.

Netflix plans to have start a new plan, streaming, mail-in and the arrival of the all new, Carflix.

With a very cheap installation fee, you can be up and running, or actually, sitting down and streaming your favorite shows and movies as you tear across a

Future Carflix User As Well As Victim

playground. And if the screams of children are too loud, then you can turn it up with Beats Audio Sound System, now 50% off when you upgrade with Carflix.

Though some haters are saying Americans do not need more distractions, I argue that this is a revolutionary solution that is the first of many, which will eradicate boredom in every aspect of ordinary life. Carflix is an optional entertainment system, where you can activate it, or not. According to a Hollywood Reporter article on Netflix, “Netflix Users Streamed More Than 2 Billion Hours of TV Shows, Movies in Fourth Quarter.”

People like to be able to watch whatever shows and whenever they want to, and not be hindered by a drive to a Hollywood where they

“Beats Audio System, now 50% off when you upgrade with Carflix.” pay eight dollars to watch a movie once and return it in four days.

Life is too short to have to wait for movies, and too short to not watch movies in your car, and Carflix accomplishes such a thing.

When your schedule is too hectic to watch your favorite show when you wish to, take a drive on the highway as How I Met Your Mother takes you away.

Real T // Spring Issue//11

Behind the Corner

Real T // Feature Story

Jokes Filled to the Beard

By Carlos Menoza

A

The Statesman

s a child John Kelso had a passion for comedy, and even though he was enlisted the army, he never lost his love for comedy. With his ever burning grace for comedy, he was able to write a newspaper column while in army. Not even the seriousness of the army didn’t affect him he stilled continued to write comedy no matter where he was “I just kind of gravitate towards humor John Kelso because I enjoy it. It is a good way “I just kind of gravitate towards to get a point across too.”

John Kelso grew up humor because I enjoy it. It surrounded by comedy, under the is a good way to get a point influence of funny TV shows with the likes of George Gobel, Jack across too.”

Benny and many others. John Kelso was able to become the successful humor writer than he is, now somewhat retired he finds trouble in having to do only one column a week.

“The biggest challenge of all is to stay fresh and keep coming up with ideas. The more you do [articles] the easier it is. I am sort of retired and I only do one column a week, I use to do three. I found it easier to do three than I did doing one because I sit around and stew about the one. Worrying about getting it done whereas before, I didn’t worry I just kept doing them. More of a physiological thing, but the main thing is to keep coming up with ideas and keeping it fresh”

John Kelso has also been a subject of hate mail (as many great satirists have) for his grasp of comedy has been taken too seriously by his audience. Even when he faced his only death threat he responded with pity, when asked if he had ever received any hate mail he responded with, “Yeah [just] about 20 minutes ago I got one….. I wrote an article about a judge in

Alabama who had a monument in his office of the Ten Commandments. It was against federal law and the officers told him he had to get out of the court house.

So I wrote an article about it, I came up with my own Alabama commandments such as, ‘Thy shall honor thy daddy and thy mommy as soon as I figure out who they are,’ This guy sent me an email saying he was going to kill me and he sounded serious, I turned it over to the police and

“I just think that people take me a little too seriously, I have learned some lessons like don’t make fun of high school students. The parents will come and kill you, or try to get you fired I should say...” the police tracked him down. The police didn’t arrest him because he was bi-polar, so it would have been two against one anyway, so it wasn’t really a fair fight”.

He felt that through his career there was many times in which he wished that he never wrote certain stories. One of those cases was when he wrote about high school students he said “I just think that people take me a little too seriously, I have learned some lessons like don’t make fun of high school students.

The parents will come and kill you, or try

to get you fired I should say... I wrote a column about the Eanes independent school district, and the students had a food drive. That was fun it had the students going around collecting food for the food bank and all like that but along with the food drive the public thought that the kids should have a 24 fast. I said 24 hours isn’t a fast, some of them forget to eat for 24 hours I wrote in the column I could see this kids passing up behind the wheels in these beamers,[and] their parents became unglued trying to get me fired.”

With John Kelso having a long career as a writer he never ran out of material to write about. He responded with an example of what he would do for something to write about.

“You can’t always do that but the best funny columns are the ones that are brilliant. If you have a funny column and some topic that no one will read it rather than something that is a hot column… I can give you an example a couple years ago Rick Perry was making a point about the cars that would help people with the gas savings.

His quote was you can’t haul hay in a Prius, so I went to Callahan’s general store and I borrowed my friends’ Prius to take to Callahan’s general store and I got like five bails of hey and we put in the Prius and it looked like a farm had exploded... I thought that it was a unique way of approaching the subject; it was one of those things that I thought no one would have thought of.”

Real T // Spring Issue//13

Mario DiGiorgio

Real T // Feature Story

Comedic Comedy Through A Comedian

By Lien Fon Chi

B

Meario DiGiorgio

irds chirping mixes with the sound of oncoming traffic.The metal patio hidden inside an apartment complex gives off the tangy sour smell of rust. Dressed in slacks and a Michigan tourist T-Shirt, Mario DiGiorgio, local business man and comedian starts off the conversation. He apologizes for the inconvenience of our location, “I recently sold my car,” he said, “I’ve been touring for 36 weeks and I’m exhausted.”

DiGiorgio, long-time comedian, is a designer of t-shirts, a lover of Mario DiGiorgio comedy, and a writer of a book. He performed all over the country, “And when I did get on stage has as well as stand-up in Austin. He for the first time, I felt I had has been in the comedy business the timing down of a comedian for years, and was actually born into it. already, because I mimicked

“My uncles were very witty, it since I was a child. It was sharp, my dad was very goofy, and my grandfather loved puns”, he something I never thought I says. And when I did get on stage could make a career out of, for the first time, I felt I had the timing down of a comedian already, but I certainly did.” because I mimicked it since I was a child. It was something I never thought I could make a career out of, but I certainly did.”

Though he felt he had a natural grasp on comedy, DiGiorgio had many choices before his career as a comedian, like his dropping out of art school as well as advertising. DiGiorgio grew up drawing and painting, but he soon dropped out

from the intimidation of better artists, which he regrets. Since then, he has been doing what he felt what was right, comedy.

He has enjoyed the benefits of being in the comedy business, like meeting his heroes. “I was surrounded by all these guys I admire [during my stay at Just For Laughs Montreal], like Judy Gold, Jake Johanssen, and there’s

“The reason I’m “not funny” [during my standup] is because you’ve been talking through all the set-ups. Still not funny?

Then you’re right, that is my fault...my jokes are catered to people who’ve completed high school, and I sincerely apologize,” Lewis Black across the way and Nick DaPaolo.”

He has also suffered, “the bitter end”, or better known as, the bad audience.

According to his personal blog, “The reason I’m “not funny” [during my stand-up] is because you’ve been talking through all the set-ups. Still not funny?

Then you’re right, that is my fault... my jokes are catered to people who’ve completed high school, and I sincerely apologize,” he typed on a rant of frustration.

Through years of being a comedian, he has a lot to show for it. He has a selfpublished book, ‘A Cynic’s Guide To A Rich And Full Life’, “[The book] started off as a soft paper back that I selfpublished, but then Last Gasp found it and got all of it together. But no I’m not going to make a second [book] because you can only do it for so long before it gets unfunny, but [I am]working on something else.”

Sadly, he has taken a hiatus from comedy. “What I’m not going to do next is comedy. It took me a lot of time to realize that. Now I’m focusing on my T-Shirt Company. I’m also trying to put together a packet for Conan O’ Brien or Letterman.” What is a packet? A packet is an example of your work when applying to writing jobs for satirical media, commonly requiring bunches of jokes or a specified type of satire. “Some of them are really specific, like for Letterman, they want you to write 3 top ten lists and that gives you the subject…Then they want you to write 16 monologues jokes, which sounds easy, but soon you start writing several hundred which you have to cull down into 16.”

Digiorgio left a note for aspiring comedians, “Take more chances, the only way to grow would be to take more chances. Be more aggressive about the business; if you don’t take chances, you are going to do the same act for years, and a lot of guys have fallen in that pit and gotten out of the business.”

Real T // Spring Issue//15

Real T // Feature Story

Matt Bearden

A Comedian, a radio announcer, and a father

by Oran Lopez Reed

M

Virgil Solis

att Bearden stands on the small stage in front of a packed house. The audience sits expectantly, waiting for him to say something. He already knows what to do.

“I like when you can actually have a conversation with people,” he says And he does, giving those at the show a few laughs along the way.

Matt Bearden Then he’s off the stage, making “Everyone on a Punch! way for the comedians he’s giving the to perform at his show. show deserves to be opportunity Bearden has been doing standup, seen and to get booked, radio, and show managing for years they have the potential now. Back in 1995, Bearden knew almost nothing about standup comedy. to be huge.”

Now, however in addition to being a pretty well known comedian and radio performer, he also curates his own standup show here in Austin, called Punch!.

“I use the word ‘curate’ because I treat my show like a curator at a museum would treat an art show,” he explains, “They’re not just going to take a random five artists and throw them up on the wall; they don’t fit together. So with Punch!, I try to find acts that are going to work the best together, to make the best show possible from beginning to end. I know that everyone on a Punch! Show deserves to be seen and to get booked, because I know they have the potential to be huge. I want the audience to become fans of these really great comics.”

Although he’s gracious enough to let other comedians have an opportunity, it doesn’t mean Bearden doesn’t ever go up and do what he knows best: standup.

He has plenty of experiences to share from his many performances on stage.

“I did a show the day after 9/11,” Bearden says, “There were only like four or five people, but I’ll always remember that show; that was such a weird experience.”

He’s also had people come up and want to fight him, and, “those are memorable, but not in a positive way.”

“My favorite memories on stage are really small moments that I don’t think anyone would care about beyond me, I like when you can touch an audience.”

But Bearden has lots of positive memories to take from his experiences too. Years of the same thing have narrowed what he really finds special down.

“My favorite memories on stage are really small moments that I don’t think anyone would care about beyond me,” he says, “I like when you can actually touch an audience in a way that great things happen.”

And he actually has done that, changing lives of people along the way. In fact he once met a “really huge racist” while performing.

“We had a discussion about it,

and by the end of it, he was saying, ‘You know, maybe you’re right. I’ll open my mind up to it more.’ And to me, that’s more important.”

Bearden does standup because he loves standup. His jokes are genuine and he really tries to connect with the audience, and that’s why some comedians might appear fake to him.

“There are a lot of comics out there that are certainly more famous or more popular, but I could also say Britney Spears is more famous or more popular.”

Fame was never a big deal to Bearden, and he strives for the connection with his audience, something that comedians who work for fame would not attempt.

“It’s just as important for me to respect my fan base as it is for my fan base to respect me. I think some people get in for the idea of fame and fortune, and all they really care about is the dough. They want to buy your respect because of the car they drive and the watch they wear.”

He is still able to sympathize with very famous acts though, as some fans can get a little out of control.

He mostly experienced this when he worked on the show Austin Stories back in the late 1990’s. Many people that approached him back then were a bit out of reality.

“People think that they know you really well because they’ve seen you on

Real T // Spring Issue //17

Alison Narro

television and you’ve been inside their house, “ Bearden says, “I wasn’t so famous that it completely changed my life, but I was famous enough to get a little taste of what happens to real stars.

I’m not sure that any amount of money is worth having your life changed that much.”

Austin Stories was only on air for a couple seasons, so the crazy fans quickly disappeared. Bearden still has many fans of his standup though, and they are usually a lot more appreciative of his work. And that’s how he likes it.

“Now when I get recognized, it’s from fans who want to tell me good job, and that feels great,” he says.

And he seems pretty happy where he is now. “It’s still a job and how I make my living.” Many people still would say Bearden hasn’t made it, but if he has people who appreciate his work and he can provide for a family off of doing what he loves, how has he not made it?

“In their mind, unless you are super famous, you haven’t really reached any level of success,” he says, “Most people would not go into their local bank and say, ‘Oh you’re not the president of bank of America? I hope you can make it.’”

Fame and fortune are not worth that much to him.

“There’s the ‘new hip-hop’ mentality, where I got to tell you what I’m drinking every five seconds, maybe that’s what I should do, maybe I need to

The Punch Logo

mention more liquor in my standup,” Bearden says sarcastically.

In addition to the curating of Punch! and the occasional headlining show, Bearden also works radio for the Dudley and Bob show on KLBJ, an Austin radio station. It’s a way for him to still make jokes and do what he loves, but now he doesn’t need to go on tour.

“I really wanted something that would keep me close to home,” he says, “I fell in love with a woman, and we had a baby, and they’re a huge priority, even though I make fun of my family and my baby onstage, they’re more important than my career.”

COW WOOD INC. High Quality COW WOOD 1-800-COW-WOOD Business Cow

How To Be a ....

The way that â&#x20AC;&#x153;averageâ&#x20AC;? people live life, is not healthy at all you must restrain from conforming to a bad life style. I will take you on a journey to become what so many people want to be a Gudio, the feeling of being apart of a great community where you become the center of the universe will astonish the mind. Even the average person can be them just do the 3 steps.

By: Carlos Mendoza

Guido

1) Lay in sun for 5 hours 2) You must create a new 3) For the last step all you or if you can, go tan for 5 a hours as well. If you are one of the lucky ones you will get skin cancer.

It sounds bad but it will put you in the top of the Guido hierarchy.

personality, forget about other people. You must become the center of the universe otherwise known as Cut out sides of tongue, develop seeming hatred for all fellow human beings and drink cyanide.

need to change is your hair. If you are a male try to make your hair look like a paint brush. This can be accomplished by actually painting the Mona Lisa.

A Day In The Life Of.....

Hugh Jackman

G

one are the days where we can congratulate the hidden heroes of the modern society. Life is hard, but being the most influential person in society is even more of a burden. Hugh Jackman, 43, gives the world the gracious chance to gaze upon his endless beauty, and was awarded “Sexiest Man Alive” by two different magazines. His vivid performance on the X-Men series melted audiences hearts’, and plans to create X-Men Origins 6: Wolverine Forever, are no doubt in the distant future. His existence is already benefiting the fate of mankind, and he still continues to turn out for the better. Real T finds out what such a talented visionary does on a daily basis.

By Lien Fon Chi

6:00AM

9:00AM

12:00PM

Wakes Up Sun with Beautiful Smile

Donates Breakfast to Starving African Children

Brings Back The Dead With Smile

2:00PM

4:00PM

6:00PM

Flicks His Hair, Earth Stops and Stares 7:00PM

Declines Offer of Becoming Ruler of the World 8:00PM

Destroys Comet With Rock Hard Abs 11:00PM

Eats Dinner with Adele, Inspires Her

Finishes with Cancer Research, No more Cancer

Becomes Wolverine, Enters 4th Dimension

Real T // Spring Issue //23

A Day in The Life of....

A Hillbilly

By Oran Lopez Reed

5:00 AM Wake up in bed next to fifteen other siblings, all somehow fitting on a queen sized thirty four year old mattress.

8:00 AM Go and shoot the oldest of your 47 dogs behind the shed. Father gives you one of his many knifes from his childhood as reward

11:00 AM First date with older sister. You’ve had your eye on her for 15 years and finally had the courage to ask her to a lunch of fried squirrel.

1:00 PM Go hunting with uncle Cleetus; Cleetus is mentally challenged and you are forewarned to be extremely careful with your actions, he’s armed too.

3:00 PM Afternoon tea with Grandma Beth.

She is your father’s mother as well as his aunt. She seems to enjoy your company and you often shoot birds while she tells you old stories.

5:00 PM Help younger siblings take afternoon nap. Ruth is quite difficult as she usually is too busy rolling in mud and pig feces.

7:00 PM Dinner with ma and pa discussing your future. You will most likely inherit the 52’ Ford and the farm, they beat you after dinner to get the point across.

9:00 PM Prepare for bed; you first take a mud shower, making all other filth invisible. Ammonia collected from the animals is used on your teeth.

11:00 PM Go to bed with siblings, cousins, and uncles. You take your few square feet of space and fall into a blissfull sleep while everyone cries silently.

The Rules of a Hillbilly

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Sanitation is frowned upon, Punishment is death by mud drowning.

Never breed outside the family, we don’t want our kin bein’ infected

Ma and Pa are yur bosses, no matter what; this means if they break yur wrist, it’s yur god-deng fault.

You and your thirty brothers share everything, nothing is yours, except fer yur gens, cause those suckers arr like chilren.

You live on a one dollar a month budget, so no buyin them fancy gajits at the store, we ain’t got time for voodoo.

ww

BuRNING Apple Products

By Lien Fon Chi

T

hough America has been going through a state of recession, Microsoft has been above the norm of the businesses, even worrying about the inflow of profit they have. We talked to Microsoft CEO, Chris Liddell about what he thinks is the current crisis of the Microsoft Corporation.

We followed him through the barren halls of the headquarters, papers strewn across the floor of finances. He apologizes, the employees recently played Polo with their pet hybrid horse tigers. Liddell enters his office, taking in the faint smell of liquid Gold flowing down his diamond fountains.

“This has been a good quarter for us, actually, maybe actually too good. We now have too much money, now instead of

having our janitors clean our newly made 10,000 acre Dragon farm, yes those exist for those rich enough to see it, we have have them on Penta-Overtime, having them drag out money to the artificial fires of our Mount Mordor. Yes we know that you don’t simply walk to Mordor, and only half of them make it back but we can always hire more.

“Life has gotten harder around here since our disastrous quarter. Every day they give me more terrible Apple products, and I’m burning as many as I can”, says Tom Kitely. “I wish everything would go back to normal because my son is always getting high off the smoke from throwing Siri where she belongs.”

Ask Lien Ask Lienlion, The Epilogue; What To Do?

Dear Lien, I have been in love with you since I laid my eyes on you during the first day when you swaggered into my World History class. I can’t hold back anymore. My undying love for your personality and your kind smile is more than enough to make me the happiest woman in the world. A second with you is worth more to me than all the love in the world.

For all I know we are the love in the world. This might be the only time I have the courage to come out with this soul bearing truth. What should I do?

–M.Rahman

Dear M.Rahman, Though you wish to keep your Anonymity, I feel like you are a bit obvious with your nickname, but I am sorry that you feel this way. Maybe it was because Time magazine called me the “Derek Zoolander” of my time. Maybe you were entranced by my lush beautiful shocking blue eyes, my bodybuilder physique, or maybe my endless ensemble of Camo style clothes, but we can never be. My rockhard 16 pack needs to be tended to everyday. If I am to become America’s Next Top Model I can’t have any distractions.

-Lien

Dear Lien, I know how cool you are, partying it up 24/7 with all your Biffles, plus the 3000 close friends and I want to know, how do I get to be as cool as you?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, to truly be as cool as I, you have to give in to peer pressure and do as many drugs as possible. Remember what Wiz Kalifa said about being wild, young and free.

Be wild, young and free. If there are any role models in today’s, they would be the rappers that look like they got too drunk, stumbled into a tattoo shop, came out two hours later and got hit by a bus. And Kanye’s. Especially act like Kanye. Don’t be afraid to try new drugs. No one likes a resistant Ronald. Nor do they like a party-pooper Peter.

-Lien

Real T // Spring Issue //27