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CAREER CORNER
Job fair [by Bob Goldman] This is going to be difficult for you, but two weeks ago - back when the world was young and you were bursting with optimism - I wrote a column about the possible career choices for people willing to throw off the shackles of their corporate masters and strike off on their own. Remember?
Well, for all of you who are still on the
lyst job description, you’ll be able to afford
According to the ad, the oil analyst reports
corporate chain gang, still breaking up big
gourmet Eukanuba for your retirement cui-
to the “senior oil analyst” which seems fair
bureaucratic boulders into itsy-bitsy bits of
sine since the job pays $43,365 to $114,482,
enough, though I’m sure you’ll quickly be
organizational rubble, here’s another chance
plus a performance bonus, a recruitment
able to topple the top guy with your acute
to make a prison break.
bonus and relocation expenses. (There is
analytical powers. Dig it: you spend the first
also an excellent retirement plan, assuming
six months on the job reading reports and
It’s true! Just because you don’t have the
the PBGC doesn’t decide that the PBGC’s
“analyzing” (also known as “goofing off”) and
inclination or the nerve to step up in life
pension plan should go belly up.)
then you make your first report. “Gee, oil looks pretty darn expensive,” you say. “I paid
and start a business shampooing poodles
over $3 a gallon to fill up my Jaguar.”
in your family room, it doesn’t mean you’re
While it would be tons of fun to spend your
condemned to staying at your same rotten
days telling 65-year-old workers that their
job until you become a complete mental melt
pensions have gone with the wind, you
The other jobs, I have to admit, sound a little
down. Turning to the same source - The Wall
might prefer a more glamorous position,
dull. Teledyne needs a controller. (Note to
Street Journal - where I found the be-your-
like being the “internal auditor” for GUESS?
Teledyne employees: get out fast. Your com-
own-worst-boss business opportunities, I
jeans. According to the ad, GUESS? is “one
pany is out of control.) The Export-Import
also found an intoxicating panoply of “career
of the fashion industries more prestigious
Bank of the United States needs a vice presi-
opportunity” want ads.
and innovative organizations” and “an ideal
dent in their asset management division.
environment for motivated, quality focused
You get to manage $60 billion in assets, and
professionals eager for success.”
based on the way most financial institutions
You’d still be working for someone who isn’t
perform, if you can manage to hold on to any
you, but theoretically, you’d be paid more for doing work that you enjoy more, and there-
Heaven knows you are motivated and quality
portion of that $60 billion, I’d say you’re re-
fore you’d be a lot less likely to spend your
focused, especially after your morning nap
ally doing a bang-up job.
afternoons in the employee lounge, weeping
and I think you should fire off a resume right
into the ficus plant.
after your afternoon nap. Be aware that the
If none of these career opportunities work
job may be difficult, involving long hours
out you can always go back to doing what you
One career opportunity that caught my eye
checking the fit of the free jeans the company
do best, which will come in handy if there’s
immediately was a listing for “financial
provides to hot-body celebrities like Jessica
ever a job listing for “extremely lazy, unmoti-
analysts” with the PBGC. If you work for any
Simpson and Colin Farrell. (And when you
vated complainer.”
airline, steel mill or automobile company,
finish those long hours in the fitting room, do
you know the PBGC - or as it’s known to
me a favor and find out why there’s a ques-
its friends, the Pension Benefit Guarantee
tion mark at the end of GUESS?)
Corporation.
Hey, wait a minute! That’s my job! Bob Goldman has been an advertising execu-
If handling emergency calls from top models
tive at a Fortune 500 company in the San
The PBGC insures the billion-dollar pensions
who need help getting in and out of their
Francisco Bay area. He offers a virtual shoul-
plans that are now going broke, hurling
jeans doesn’t work for you, or your signifi-
der to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com.
lifelong workers into a surprisingly different
cant other, I commend you “fax your resume
retirement scenario than they ever expected,
in confidence” for a position as “oil analyst”
unless they expected to be living in refrigera-
for a “multi-billion dollar international in-
tor boxes and eating Fancy Feast.
vestment fund.”
Fortunately, if you can fill the financial ana-
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