16 minute read
SEXUAL HEALING
SEXUAL HEALING HEALING
Here’s what you need to know about maximizing your enjoyment, staying safe and feeling empowered at every age.
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BY LISA VAN DE GEYN & SUSAN GRIMBLY
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
How your smartphone could be messing with your sex life.
No one can be present in the moment if they’re waiting to jump on that next ping, so, for God’s sake, put down your phone. Experts recommend charging your devices as far from the bedroom as possible. If you really can’t let go, at least turn down the volume. And consider trying “mindful intimacy.” The wellness buzzword can easily be applied to sexual health; mindfulness is about focusing on the present, and mindful intimacy means being aware of what you are experiencing while you’re with your partner. The idea is that couples who practise it can overcome the barriers they’ve built up and feel more connected to each other and their own individual sexuality. So sign up for a meditation class or use a mindfulness app like Headspace. (Ironic, we know—but apps really are easy and accessible ways to try mindfulness!)
not feeling it?
Many women mistake a low sex drive for a clinical case of sexual dysfunction— but chances are, the cause is more than medical.
You aren’t exactly sure what’s up, but even though you love your partner, you just haven’t felt like sex lately. You duck his touch, opting to watch Netflix instead. Maybe it’s been months, and you’re starting to wonder: Is there something wrong?
You can carry on with binge-watching The Crown, because, for most women, there’s nothing medically amiss between the sheets. And, if it’s any comfort, you’re not the only one who’s concerned about the possibility of sexual dysfunction. Teesha Morgan, a Vancouver sex therapist, says it’s the question patients ask most. But, “almost 100 percent of the time, what they’re experiencing is normal,” she says. “There are so many things that can affect sexual desire: if you have little kids; if you’re on antidepressants; if you take the birth control pill; if you’re perimenopausal, postmenopausal or going through menopause....”
Dr. Natalie Rosen, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Halifax, says true sexual dysfunction persists for at least six months and is “associated with significant distress for the individual or couple, as judged by a clinician.” So, while it may seem as though all of your friends are in the same sexless boat, just 12 to 20 percent of women and 11 percent of men have sexual dysfunction.
But if it’s not a medical problem, what’s behind your lack of drive? As Morgan says, there are tons of reasons. However, one major cause might be a truism we were hoping to write off: In women, sex drive tends to dip over time. According to a study published in Psychological Medicine last year, which looked at sexual function (desire, satisfaction, ability to achieve orgasm) in more than 2,000 women, those in long-term relationships tended to see a drop in desire. But that doesn’t mean you should buy into the clichés about women hating sex; instead, take the opportunity to be more realistic about your expectations—it’s OK to have less sex! And take heart: The study also found that the longpartnered women had an easier time achieving orgasm.
So, if you want to have sex like a champion, don’t be afraid to try new things: Get it on anywhere but the bedroom or use a sex toy—and make your personal preferences clear. Dr. Laurie Betito, a clinical psychologist in Montreal, suggests that you “liken having sex to going to the gym.” Put it in your calendar if you have to! Because, just as with exercise, the more you go, the easier it will be to keep your commitment.
Libido Boosters
A look at how the newest sexual aids stack up.
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX YES MEANS yes
ELVIE
Remember those squeezing exercises you had to do after giving birth? Pelvicfloor muscles can make all the difference between a meh or mighty sex life, which is why Kegels are a must. But how do you know they’re working? This pelvicfloor exerciser monitors your motion in real time thanks to a Bluetooth-enabled smartphone app. California-based medical marijuana purveyor Paradigm Cannabis Group markets a strain of weed called Sexxpot that promises to boost mood and libido. Researchers haven’t been able to definitively establish a link between weed and libido, but there’s anecdotal evidence that some people do benefit from partaking before sex. Trial run? Big Pharma has been trying for years to come up with a love pill for women, with little success. The most recent, Addyi, hit shelves in the U.S. in 2015, with a resounding thunk. A prescription pill aimed at premenopausal women, it delivers an average of just onehalf of an extra satisfying sexual event per month—at a cost of US$900!
APHRODISIAC MARIJUANA “VIAGRA FOR HER”
Back in the Saddle
When you’ve been ill, sex is often the last item on your to-do list—but that doesn’t mean it can’t move up a notch or two.
Let’s be honest: Sex isn’t top of mind after you’ve been sick. Even sneezing and coughing from a cold or flu can drag you down, so it’s no wonder something more serious can affect your sex life. But a thriving connection after a medical condition is possible.
First, though, it’s important to know it’s OK if you’re not exactly feeling frisky. “There’s psychology related to illness and sexuality,” says Dr. Christine Palmay, a family physician in Toronto. “Depression from an illness, sideeffects from medication and body-image concerns can all lead to a lack of interest in sex.”
So don’t feel pressured to immediately return to your pre-illness state of affairs. Maybe you’ve had a mastectomy—that can be a huge blow to your femininity. Or you’ve had a heart attack and are nervous that strenuous sexual activity will cause another one. You can still be intimate. Trade cuddling for intimate touching—get as naked as you both feel comfortable with, then engage in sex talk or remind each other of favourite moves. It will do more for your relationship than sitting side by side watching TV in parallel play.
And you don’t have to worry about a subsequent heart attack after all. A study published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology in 2015 says sex doesn’t trigger a heart attack or increase your risk of a repeat. In fact, researchers found it’s actually considered “moderate physical activity…and is comparable to climbing two staircases or taking a brisk walk.” So putting a little hanky-panky back into your repertoire can’t hurt—and it might even help your recovery.
It’s also worth noting that lots of women struggle after illness. “Energy levels post chemotherapy tend not to improve for several years. In some cases, women never return to their previous level of functioning,” says Dr. Palmay. “So be gentle and patient with yourself.” And when you do eventually feel ready, “experiment, be adventurous,” she says. “Maybe sex will play a different role in your new life, and that’s OK.”
Consent isn’t just a concept that affects carefree young people. “It’s still a consideration in relationships, whether of a casual, short- or longterm nature,” says Mary-Jean Malyszka, a registered provisional psychologist and clinical sex therapist in Calgary. But it can be sticky to address. Here are some tips for striking up the conversation.
WITH YOUR PARTNER Consent is an ongoing conversation. “If you would like to change the type or degree of sexual activity, check in by asking, ‘Is this OK?’ or ‘How would you feel about…?’ ” says Malyszka. Or remind your partner to check in with you. And, if you’re planning to try something new, consider choosing a code word or action that means “stop immediately,” she advises.
WITH YOUR TEENS Explain what consent is, keeping it simple but clear: You are allowed to stop at any point if it doesn’t feel right, even if the other person really wants to continue. “You don’t need to go into a big explanation. It’s all about what you want and don’t want for your body, and your partner has to respect that,” Malyszka says.
WITH YOUR PARENTS This can be an awkward conversation, but, considering the possibility of cognitive decline, an important one. Explain the importance of informed affirmative consent, which means each partner understands exactly what is going to happen and is enthusiastic about trying it.
Canada is rationing Bicillin, the most effective antibiotic treatment for syphilis, after a huge jump in diagnoses.
safety first
Sexually transmitted infections are on the rise among older adults. Here’s what you need to know.
Remember having “the talk” with your kids about sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? It’s time to revisit that conversation—with yourself.
The Public Health Agency of Canada says the national rate of STI infection has been rising steadily since the late ’90s, including among older adults. According to the Sexual Health at Midlife Study, a joint project by Trojan and the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN), the rates of chlamydia, for instance, among Canadians aged 40 to 59 increased by 153 percent between 2003 and 2012.
Dr. Betito has noticed an increasing need to educate even elderly adults. “Seniors’ residences are like college dorms. There’s often one man for several women, and they don’t use condoms because there’s no risk of pregnancy,” she says. Dr. Palmay has also seen more STIs in her perimenopausal, menopausal and postmenopausal patients. “My senior patients go to Myrtle Beach, have fun in the sun and come back with syphilis, and they’re nonchalant about it,” she says.
Postmenopausal women are actually more vulnerable to STIs—the lining of the vagina becomes drier with age, which makes it “more likely to tear and become irritated during sex,” says Dr. Palmay. “These tears could lead to more susceptibility to STIs.”
Blame lack of condom use for the increased health risk—of the 77 percent of respondents in the Trojan/SIECCAN study who had intercourse in their last sexual encounter, only about 28 percent of women said their partner used a condom (see What’s Behind the Rise, below, for more info).
“Youth today are taught ‘no glove, no love,’ but older women didn’t grow up with that concept,” says Dr. Betito, adding that people who are widowed or recently divorced “don’t know how to negotiate condom use with a new partner.” She advises women to take charge by carrying condoms and telling their partners they expect safe sex.
WHAT’S BEHIND THE RISE?
Experts say the increasing incidence of STIs among the 40- to 59-year-old cohort can be traced back to three things.
Hookup-specific apps such as Tinder and Bumble: People looking for casual hookups use these apps to find potential sex partners with the swipe of a screen—no sexual history required.
Birth control use over condom use:
For the 40-year-olds, birth control may help prevent pregnancy, but the pill doesn’t ward off STIs. Condoms are close to 100 percent effective (though you can still contract HPV and herpes through oral sex).
Screening confusion:
Not all STIs are diagnosed through blood or urine tests, and not all STIs are part of standard screening. For example, herpes and HPV require their own tests.
rubber check
If you thought we’d reached the apex of what a condom could be, think again. This is what rubbers could look like in the near future.
The number-one protector against STIs, HIV and, yes, babies, the latex condom has held steady for years. But once you’ve got thinner condoms, flavoured condoms and condoms bearing Sailor Moon designs, where do you go? To science, that’s where. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is backing projects searching for a biodegradable condom that works just as well as the traditional sort, and a model that can also act as a drug-delivery system for STI prevention. And, if those two aren’t enough, behold the Rapidom. It’s an applicator that will help a guy get the rubber out of the package and onto his penis in one swift move. Handy (and more likely to prevent user error)!
BOLD
BEAUTIFUL
A moody palette, an open-concept layout and a few family heirlooms turned a dark and dreary basement into a suite so nice, the homeowners opted to live in it instead of renting it out.
BY GRACE TOBY PHOTOGRAPHY BY TRACEY AYTON
hen newly engaged first-time homebuyers Sarah Lackey (an interior designer) and Brady Horvath (an electrical contractor) started house hunting in Vancouver, their excitement was quickly derailed by escalating prices. Putting the ballooning real-estate market in their rearview, they set their sights on Squamish, B.C. The up-and-coming community, located 45 minutes north of the city, has been billed “the outdoor recreational capital of Canada.” It’s the perfect location for the outdoorsy couple—they love to hike— plus, it was close enough to their big-city clients in Whistler and West Vancouver.
“We were looking for something ugly because we couldn’t afford anything else,” says Lackey, with brutal honesty. This four-bedroom, three-bathroom fixer-upper was the third house they saw, and it fit their finances and handson mandate. But it was a tour of the basement that clinched the deal; while others dismissed it as a spider-infested concrete cave, the couple saw a raw and empty space with plenty of potential.
Though the duo had previously worked together on plenty of homes for the real-estate reno show Love It or List It Vancouver (where they met), when it came to tackling their own project, the process proved stressful at times— especially when, a few days into the reno, they hit a water pipe and almost flooded the entire space. Even though the mishap cut into their budget, it did have a silver lining: They discovered the old copper pipes were brittle and needed to be replaced, averting future disaster.
In the end, the couple transformed the 640-square-foot subterranean space into a bright and functional suite, kitted out with vintage finds and family treasures. In fact, they were so pleased with the outcome that they decided to move into the basement and rent out the unrenovated main floor (though they’re determined to redo the rest of the house after their wedding).
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Highlight a design element with paint
The couple didn’t keep any of the basement’s existing design elements, except for the original black fireplace and brick hearth. Lackey and her mom painted the fireplace white, using 15 cans of high-heat-tolerant spray paint in a glossy finish, to bring it to life and to contrast the dramatic wall colour. Despite cries from others who worried the space would be dark and gloomy, Lackey chose black for the accent walls, installed rich hardwood floors and decorated with vintage wooden furniture. “I wanted to explore putting a dark table and cabinet against a dark wall,” she says. “As a kid, I always wanted to paint my room black, but my parents wouldn’t let me!”
Pillow, westelm.com. Netted glass balls, paintedwithlove.ca.
Choose double-duty furniture
To keep the space clutter-free, the furniture had to serve more than one purpose. The hide-a-bed sofa is perfect when out-of-town guests stay over, and the trunk serves as a coffee table while housing the linens for the pullout couch.
If you’re opting for dark furniture, consider lightening up on the hardwood floor stain. This keeps the space from feeling visually heavy.
add personality with antiques
“We wanted the space to feel natural and organic because that’s where we live—we’re in the mountains,” says Lackey. The moment you enter the space, heated grey hexagonal floor tiles provide a warm welcome. The gothic-look dining table and chairs, which date back to the 1800s, are cherished heirlooms that belonged to Lackey’s grandmother; they offer a perfect counterpoint to the otherwise contemporary space. “I’m fixated on the story attached to individual pieces, and I like having items no one else has,” says Lackey. Her favourite vignette in the dining room is the antique hutch that stores her grandmother’s teacup collection and displays mementos from close family and friends.
Mirror, homesense.ca. Vintage bottles (on hutch), paintedwith love.ca. Sea Salt CSP-95 paint and Blackjack 2133-20 paint (on walls), and White Dove OC-17 paint (on trim), benjaminmoore.com.
Before designing a space, measure every item in need of storage—including pots, pans and serving bowls—to ensure that a cabinet, shelf or drawer could house it.
Opt for an openconcept kitchen
To enhance the open layout, the couple decided to go small in the kitchen to save on space. The centre island still provides ample room for gathering and cooking with friends. Since space was at a premium, Lackey included a pantry for small appliances, such as the blender and the microwave. Storage was key, but when money ran out for upper cabinets, Horvath repurposed the abandoned wood beams from the home’s carport for functional floating shelves. A white- and glass-based palette on exposed shelving keeps the look clean and airy.
Lighting, pinelighting.xolights.com. Cabinets and island, ikea.ca. Countertop, kryptonitestoneworks.com. Brackets, westelm.com.
The countertop has a slight overhang, so the homeowners can neatly tuck away a couple of chairs.
Reclaimed wood mounted on brackets provides architectural interest, as well as additional storage.
BEFORE
the plan
To avoid overpowering the small space and to give it a loft-like quality, Lackey and Horvath implemented an openconcept layout; the couple knocked down several walls and minimized the bedroom’s footprint in order to give the living area the bulk of the real estate.
Instead of hinged doors, Lackey and Horvath installed a wooden barn-style door painted grey on a hefty track, and a closet system with sliding doors was installed to maximize space.
make the most of a small bedroom
“When we moved in together, we couldn’t decide whose bed to keep, so we built a new one together over a weekend,” says Lackey. A mix of pine stained in three colours gives the headboard its one-of-a-kind finish. They added built-in drawers under the bed for additional storage. With no room for a full-depth dresser, to save floor space, a shoe caddy was repurposed to hold smaller accessories, such as bathing suits and socks.
Use a decorative vintage piece to corral smaller necessities, like nail polish.
Hang a wide wall mirror to open up a smaller bathroom.
add a floating vanity
To avoid additional costs, Lackey and Horvath built the washroom around the existing plumbing instead of moving its location. A floating vanity with deep drawers hides essentials, keeping them easily accessible, unlike traditional cupboards, which tend to have tons of unused vertical space.
Budget Breakdown
Here’s how homeowners Sarah Lackey and Brady Horvath spent their renovation dollars.
