FamilyLife - Jul/Aug 2020 by Lawrence Ambrocio

Grilling Recipes

7 Decors for the home

Learning Curves

FamilyLife Simple Cleaning

July/August 2020

Jul/Aug Contents

9 IN EVERY ISSUE

ADVICE

ORGANIZE

FOOD

9 Carving out time for selfcare

29 12 clever and pretty ways to keep your home clutter-free

61 Summer Lovin'

13 Warning: Learning Curves Ahead

FEATURES

70 Last Look

21 How to Motivate Kids Without Yelling

47 Why More Families Are Moving In With The Grandparents

ON THE COVER

25 Turn Clutter into Cash

6 Editor's Letter

Photography by Roberto Caruso

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

FamilyLife EDITOR IN-CHIEF Pamela Hayford EXECUTIVE EDITOR Suzanne Moutis CREATIVE DIRECTOR Karen Paddon EDITORIAL OPERATIONS & ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER Olga Goncalves Costa TEST KITCHEN FOOD DIRECTOR Soo Kim SENIOR FOOD ASSOCIATE Stina Diös CONTRIBUTING FOOD SPECIALISTS Donna Borooah, Cara Tegler ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR Lena Diaz ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR Sarah Big Canoe CONTRIBUTING ART DIRECTOR Leanne Gilbert PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Genevieve Pizzale EDITORIAL SENIOR FEATURES EDITOR Megan Howard FEATURES EDITOR Mary Levitski COPY EDITORS Debbie Madsen Villamere, Stephanie Zolis EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS Marianne Davidson, Sarah Dziedzic HOME & GARDEN HOME & STYLE DIRECTOR Ann Marie Favot DESIGN EDITOR Morgan Lindsay NATIONAL ACCOUNTS MANAGERS, TORONTO David Lawrence, John McDowell, Nicole Rosen, Roberta Thomson NATIONAL ACCOUNTS MANAGER, MONTREAL Ingrid Barfod NATIONAL ACCOUNT MANAGER, VANCOUVER Renee Wong BRAND OPERATIONS MANAGER Terry Smith

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Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Editor's Letter

Thank you, Class of 2020 After the glorious summer months, it’s time to turn our attention to the upcoming school year! Our July/August issue is chock-full of helpful tidbits to help get you ready to make the most of this year. In the spirit of back to school, I’ll share a few of my most helpful tips. The first comes courtesy of my mom, who moved around a lot as a child because her dad was career Navy. This meant she often found herself the new kid at school. To help ease the transition and to make friends, my grandmother would send her to school on the first day with candy in her lunch. When lunchtime rolled around, Mom would take out the candy and set it on the table. It wasn’t long before kids approached her for some candy, and she was making new friends! My second tip deals with photos. Once you take the first day photos, print up one of each child by himself and put in a folder. Do it that day, before you forget or it gets put on that never-ending “I’ll get to it when I have time” pile. A few years down the road, when you find yourself planning a graduation party and needing photos of your child throughout her school career, you’ll have them all in one place. In that same vein, tuck away one of the annual fall school pictures taken in this same folder. Trust me, this will save you a lot of time in the future! Future you will be tremendously thankful! What are your best back-to-school tips? Share them on our social media. I’d love to hear how you get ready for the school year!

Pamela Hayford Editor In-Chief

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Advice

Carving out time for self-care By EMILY MORRISON

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Advice Whether an entrepreneur mom, a working mom, a work-from-home mom, a business owner mom, a parttime working mom or a stay-at-home mom, we all experience burnout sometimes. Carving out the time for self-care is essential with or without kids—but with kids, it can be trickier. In all walks of life, we need to recharge.

Steal minutes

The idea of self-care and “me time” may sound like a luxury, unattainable even. “How can I possibly have a moment to myself when I’m constantly pulled in different directions, swamped with work or constantly meeting the needs of my children?” a frazzled mom may ask. The truth is self-care is not only possible, it’s vital.

Take a shower. “Take a few extra minutes to let the water pour over you and just breathe,” she says. “Don’t think about anything but the feel of the water and air in your lungs. Take 10 deep breaths and return to your day more recharged.”

Stephanie Zamora Schilling, entrepreneur, business coach and founder of SymbioBiz, lifts up other entrepreneur moms every day, offering them wisdom and advice. Her passion is validating and providing support to parents who are trying to grow successful businesses in the midst of growing their family. She shared her expertise on how to prioritize yourself and make self-care a part of your daily routine.

Count the moments Finding time for self-care requires a shift in mindset, Schilling says. Striving for days off is not an option. Based on her experience as a parent entrepreneur, she finds attempts to carve out full days discouraging because the break rarely works out. “I’m able to feel more fulfilled by carving out chunks of time for time off,” she says. “Two hours here, 20 minutes there, with a half day on Sunday.” Striving for full days off also makes it harder to actually enjoy that downtime, so she suggests guarding your time. “Decide when you are going to engage in meaningful self-care. Set aside the time and guard it like your life depends on it, because it does,” she says. Identify what is most likely to interrupt the time.

When you’re not striving for full days off, you are more likely to notice smaller, free chunks of time in the day that you can claim as your own, Schilling notes. Wake up 15 minutes early to do yoga by yourself. If you’re waiting for laundry to finish drying, give yourself a foot massage.

Prioritize the things that make you feel most recharged. If you only have 20 minutes out of the whole day, you should pick the things that make the biggest difference to you, which requires a bit of self-reflection. “Know what feeds your soul and do that,” Schilling says.

Minimize distractions If you’re likely to get lost in social media, turn off your phone. Log out of Facebook. “Is the laundry staring at you, preventing you from napping? Take yourself back to the last time you were on an airplane,” Schilling says. “It’s easy to get lost spending free time on social media or watching Flea Market Flip, but when I am done with that activity, I rarely feel fulfilled.” The truth is when you’re not rested and your mind and body feel neglected, you aren’t going to be able to be an awesome mom, housekeeper, cook, business owner or community leader, Schilling says. “The more rested you are, the more energy you will have to conquer the world, or at least dinner," she says. Don’t be afraid to call in reinforcements. You might need support from others to manage kids during your downtime. Talk with your partner and support system. Let them know when you need help and what exactly that looks like. “Don’t have support? Get creative,” she suggests. “Use the time they are at soccer practice to work out at the park. Bring your book and get lost in a tale of far-off lands.”

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Advice

Warning: Learning Curves Ahead Ways to help empower your child By KIM ANTISDEL

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Advice Every parent wants kids who are smiling and living their best lives. But on the other side of the coin, we also want children who grow to be strong, empathetic and fiercely independent. To have the latter, we can’t always have the former. The toughest parts of life are what shape our children into the amazing adults they are meant to be. That said, by mowing down all the obstacles that could befall our little ones, we’re only handicapping them for later. It’s a tough lesson for parents to learn, but a necessary one. Here are a few tips on how to love your kids through empowerment, so they’re mentally strong and definitely not living in your basement when they’re 30.

Establish Chores Your kids are part of your household. They eat, sleep and live there. That means they need to have a stake in the upkeep and responsibilities of living in that home. How many times have you shouted, “I am not your maid!” and then proceeded to pick up your children’s mess? Hate to break it to you, but they’ve got you trained. If they see you give in once, they know you’ll do it again. As the adults, you and your partner must hold steadfast on established rules and chores in your home. Have high expectations for your kids and reward them when they meet or exceed them.

Let Them Fight Their Battles The first time I saw a child push in front of my son for a ride on the slide at the playground, I had to physically force myself to stay seated and simply watch. Kids are going to be put in situations where others are rude and maybe even downright mean. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should allow your child to be bullied, but it also doesn’t mean you need to referee every disagreement. Stand back and see how your kiddo handles the conflict. Does he scream and cry? Does he allow himself to be walked upon? Use these as teachable moments. Talk to your child openly about how to resolve the conflict, even if he’s little. Kids will remember.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Don’t Sugarcoat Feelings To our children, we are superhumans. Heroes. Impervious to fear or sadness. But sheltering your children from your own pain or feelings doesn’t do them any good. They need to understand that you are a human and you feel emotions just like they do. Give them the guidance and talk openly about how you and your partner navigate through big feelings. Show them by example, and they will follow.

Consistent Consequences Kids of every age and area of development will push boundaries to see what happens. It’s their way of gauging risk to reward or, in this case, risk to repercussion. You and your partner must clearly lay out those repercussions for violations of rules. And spoiler alert: That’s the easy part. Doling those consequences out is where it gets tough, because there will be tears. Lots of tears. But the long-term consequences of letting these moments slide can be severe. Not disciplining small children only leads to entitled older children who don’t respect authority or directions.

Yes, They Can Children love to tell you what they can’t do. They can’t reach the counter to get their cup. They can’t write their name. They can’t dribble the basketball. Trust and believe they are looking to you to confirm this narrative. Young children learn what they’re capable of when they’re encouraged to try harder by those they love. Resist the urge to assist with something because it’s more convenient for you in the moment. By coming to your child’s aid, you’re unintentionally reinforcing that she needs you, or someone else, to do everything for her. But kids are capable. They are ready. Think back to some of your greatest accomplishments. It’s doubtful they revolve around how you tried once and succeeded immediately. Stories worth sharing don’t occur without struggle.

Advice

Fear Factor From the moment our babies are born, we are in a constant state of anxiety. Our minds swirl with “what ifs.” Our biggest responsibility as parents is to protect our children from all the terrible things that are conceivable. Although it’s prudent and necessary to shield our children from dangerous situations, it’s still important to gauge how big a bubble we should place them in. Consider acknowledging early on that broken bones, sprained ankles and the occasional hurt feeling are a given. Injury, whether emotional or physical, is part of the growing process. And even though social media and sanctimonious parents may make you feel like you’re failing if your child encounters any small obstacle, stay your course. Know that allowing your child to experience the world without fear is making her stronger. It’s making her fearless. And who knows how far she’ll go without fear holding her back.

Get a Life Your children are the most important thing in the world to you, as they should be. But don’t forget that you are important as well. If you make your entire life about your children and what they need at every moment, they learn that they should always be the most important thing to everyone in their life. That’s not a great recipe for a well-adjusted adult. Teach your children to discover what they can do for those around them. Teach them to be happy as a team player, not necessarily the team captain.

5 Parenting Habits to Stop Now 1. Picking up after your kids. Your kids have things. They need to be responsible for them. The end. 2. Letting them skip a chore/responsibility “just this once”. Once turns into twice and then into always. Treat your kids’ responsibilities as a nonnegotiable. 3. Allowing pity parties. No, no, no. If your child is throwing one, you are not attending. There’s a lesson in every bad situation. Help him find it. 4. Parenting in the short term. You are the adult. If your kid wants Cheetos at the supermarket RIGHT NOW or she’ll scream, let her scream. Don’t give in now because of your fear of judgment. 5. Making everything magical. No one ever discovered something new by being comfortable. Let your child be bored. Teach kids to make magic for themselves.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Advice

How to Motivate Kids Without Yelling By SARAH LYONS

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Advice Every parent yells at her kids once in a while, but when yelling becomes your go-to method of communicating your expectations, it can lead to negative results. Children who are yelled at frequently will start to tune out what is being said and will begin to use yelling as a way to express themselves also. What’s the best way to motivate kids without yelling? Here are some ideas:

Establish clear expectations To avoid yelling in the future, establish clear rules and expectations and make sure your kids understand what those are. “Remain consistent in applying the consequences so that it is known that rules have value.” says Kara Thomas, mom and preschool teacher from Shawnee. For example, if mornings are difficult, set rules everyone in the family can follow to make things run more smoothly. Create a routine so kids know what to expect and what to do next. For example, everyone needs to be dressed, done eating, and have shoes on and bags packed before playing or using electronics in the morning. A natural consequence for not following this rule is loss of electronics for a day following the event. You can set a similar routine for bedtime. Let kids know what behaviors are unacceptable in the home (hitting, fighting, being disrespectful) and what the consequences are for breaking a family rule. When a rule is broken or a morning isn’t going smoothly, the kids won’t be surprised by the consequences because they have been discussed calmly in advance. You won’t have a need to yell because once a rule is broken, the consequence is put into place, and the day goes on.

Give positive reinforcement It’s no surprise that people who receive negative feedback start to feel bad about themselves, and those who receive positive feedback, understanding and encouragement have more self-confidence and a better attitude overall. When dealing with kids, take the opportunity to encourage them and give as much positive reinforcement as possible. “If you are trying to find the balance, the two positives to every behavior correction can be a good model to try to follow.” says Thomas. When the time comes for correction, try to give advice or ask for things in a positive and calm way. This will likely have better results than yelling.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Examine yourself If you have noticed that you yell at your children more than you would like to, think about what’s causing this. Are you rushed? Frustrated? Do you need a break? Sometimes we don’t realize how often we are yelling. Consider asking a co-parent or friend to be an accountability partner and let you know when you need to cool down and approach the situation differently. If your children are older, you can also ask them for help in changing your behavior by allowing them to point out when you are yelling. In advance, come up with some ideas of what you can try instead of yelling—if your child won’t put on his shoes, ask him to race to see who can do it faster. If you feel the urge to yell, walk into a room where your child can’t hear you and mutter out whatever you wanted to yell. This should allow you to return the situation more calmly and direct your child in a more positive way. Let your child know in advance what the consequences of bad behavior will be and warn your child what will happen. If the behavior occurs, follow through with the consequence you set without yelling.

Give a warning Sometimes, simply giving your child a warning can save an argument later. Calmly saying “We are leaving the park in 5 minutes” or “Please stop screaming or you will have a time-out” gives your child a chance to prepare herself and choose how to respond. When the time comes to leave the park or give a time-out, follow through on your warning. If you give multiple chances or end up staying at the park another 20 minutes, your child won’t take your warnings seriously in the future, and you may find yourself frustrated and yelling once again. “Consistency is key in your children knowing that the rules have meaning and consistent consequences for breaking the,” says Thomas.

Ask for help One way to avoid yelling is to ask your child to help you solve the problem you are faced with. If you are expecting company and the house is a mess, you could yell at the kids to clean up their rooms or you could present the situation as a problem that you need help solving. “Our friends are coming over in 30 minutes and there are toys all over the floor. What should we do?” You may find that when it is presented this way, your children will come up with the solution you were wanting in the first place. They’ll pick up their toys, and you won’t even need to yell at them. If they don’t come up with the solution you were looking for, make sure to tell them what you need from them and give them clear guidelines on what you expect to happen.

Advice

Turn Clutter into Cash By JUDY GOPPERT

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Advice With all the online options, it’s a snap to start earning money from little-used items around your house. Let’s face it, many of us have been staying home more these days, which means we are looking around our houses more and thinking, why on earth did I keep that? And what is in that box in the storage room that I haven’t opened since I moved? The task can seem daunting at times, but if you take a step-by-step approach, you can slowly clear away that clutter. The tried but true garage sale is still a good option because it is outside in the open air. You can amp up your game by combining a sale with several neighbors, then sharing photos of items online through the social media of your choice. Make eye-catching signs for passing motorists. A themed garage sale can be unique. For example, a man cave sale can feature tools, lawn equipment or men’s clothing. How about a little mermaid sale, featuring girls’ dolls, clothing and swim equipment? Make up your own theme and spread it across your Facebook Marketplace and any local selling site in your area. A focused theme also can help you organize what you sell, directing you to cull through your old items that belong to that category. Never tackle the entire basement or storage room at one time. Choose one box or one dresser full of clothes and go from there. Make a list and place it near the clutter. One day, mark off the blue tub, one day mark off the top shelf of the closet, and another day, select large furniture items. Those items are great for donating to Salvation Army, the American Red Cross or any other thrift shop or donation center near your home. This way, you can get a receipt to take off your taxes, and they appreciate the donation so much. One time we donated a 10-foot, pre-lit artificial Christmas tree that was too big for us to handle, and when I went back to the donation center, they told me a church had it now. That made us want to donate more!

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Another tip is to become an ebay aficionado. The process is secure and backed by the company’s security policies. With the nice smartphones we have, you can take professional photos of items such as shoes, purses, jewelry, basically anything. With summer here, feature sandals, swimsuits, your kid’s rafts, life jackets or pool toys. Someone is always looking for that size of jeans or special occasion dress. You can make money with a large number of items, or just sell a few things for a bit of quick cash. This is true for any selling platform in your area. Do a little research and decide which works best for your items. For example, Lee’s Summit Online Garage Sale is a great shareable site. Decide what motivates you, which is probably money. Consider upcycling furniture or décor and selling some of your clothes and accessories on Poshmark. You may not make millions, but it definitely helps. Ask yourself whether you need to get rid of your clutter quickly or whether you are willing to hold out a bit for a potentially decent payout? Another moneymaker can be your old electronics. Sell them to stores including Game Stop, V Stock or even pawn shops. The Decluttr app helps you earn money from old video games, CDs, DVDs, cell phones, tablets and even books. Amazon Trade-In takes old smartphones. Swap.com is an online consignment shop for those old children’s clothes and toys. Consigning items is another great option. Good candidates are items your children no longer use, such as that lacrosse stick on the garage shelf, or the violin that hasn’t been played in years and is sitting in the case in your child’s closet. Or that stack of video games covered in dust cluttering your living room. Other popular items are barely worn designer clothes and children’s and baby clothes. All could earn you a few bucks if you get them to the right people. The trick to making decluttering less daunting is to plan in your mind what you want to do. Don’t stand back and feel overwhelmed by the shelves full of stuff. Focus on one item or section at a time. And involve the kids. Have them select one or two items from their toy box that they don’t play with or have outgrown. Place a laundry basket or tub in their room and give them time. Then, when the items make money, they can have the fun of picking out a new toy or pair of shoes they’ve been wanting. When you involve them, they will see it as a game and find fun in the process!

Organize

12 clever and pretty ways to keep your home clutter-free The cheater's guide to wiping out clutter in every room! Tips on keeping your counters clear, create instant order among loose items, and how to camouflage storage solutions to blend in as part of your decor.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

How to wipe out clutter in every room Pack it, stack it, rack it: a cheater's guide to wiping out clutter in every room. Find out how to display your favourite items, keep counters clear, contain loose items and disguise storage with these 12 tips!

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Corral everyday stuff Keep your daily staples together on an easyto-transport tray — it makes morning coffee, after-work drinks or bedtime tea feel a little more special. Bodum coffee press, $50, Room Essentials tea towel, $4, Threshold tray, $20, Cream bottle, $4, Mini cake plate, $3, Sugar bowl, $8, Target.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Contain messy MVPs Place dish soap and cloths on a small bathroom tray by the sink to catch any drips. Threshold tray, $12, Room Essentials dishcloths, $4, Caldrea soap, $7, Target.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Elevate essentials Keep cooking supplies on a cake plate and place it close to your stove or work area so everything is within arm’s reach. Threshold cake stand, $20, Target.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Add extra hardware Mount a long cabinet pull on the other side of the island to create an extra spot for tea towels. Room Essentials dishtowels, $4, Target.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Movable storage Use a versatile rolling cart as a cocktail station, extra bathroom shelving, a bussing and serving stand or a tidy indoor herb garden in a small space or a condo kitchen. Threshold bar cart, $150, Bowl, $8, Hurricane vase (used as a candle holder), $17, Target.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Clutter keeper Dedicate a spot, like a pretty tray perched on an ottoman, to gather all those odds and ends that often go missing (hello, remotes!) Threshold ottoman, $70, Throw, $30, Vase, $8, Nate Berkus tray, $25, Target.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Artful display Eke out more drawer space by using a vase or canister to hold the cooking utensils you use the most. Threshold canister, $18, Canisters with wooden lids, $15, Giada de Laurentiis red silicone utensils, $7, Target.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Practical piece Store logs for your fireplace in a large basket or copper bucket at the hearth. It keeps the area clean and makes refills from the wood pile a breeze. Smith & Hawken bucket, $60, Target.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Mock closet Place a bench in your entryway and stow baskets underneath to hide mail, mitts, scarves, hats, pet leashes and stroller gear. A small dish on top is perfect for keys, door openers and spare change. Threshold baskets, from $15, Target.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Jewellery Tree Keep necklaces tangle-free and easy to grab during the morning rush by turning a sculptural branch into both a jewellery stand and a piece of natural art. Threshold cabinet, $170, Jewellery box, $30, Nate Berkus vase, $25, Target.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

In-floor outlets Install electrical outlets in the floor in key areas to minimize cords running around the room.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Built-in shelf Break up floor-to-ceiling tile and create a convenient spot for soap and shampoo with a built-in nook.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

“Live in the sunshine. Swim in the sea. Drink in the wild air.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Why More Families Are Moving In With The Grandparents Millennials are called the “boomerang generation” because we’ve been moving back in with our parents in droves. Now that we have kids of our own, we’re bringing them with us, too. By SADIYA DENDAR

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

In June 2018, Carrie Seaton* was paying close to $2,500 a month in child care for her two kids. She and her husband faced a one-and-a-half-hour commute to and from work each day from Mission, B.C., to Vancouver, and both had jobs at which late-night meetings were often scheduled at the last minute. They were physically and financially fatigued. So when her father retired, Seaton and her husband offered him their spare bedroom in return for his help. Fastforward two years and Seaton’s dad has made himself indispensable in their now multi-generational home. “Pappy makes all the meals. During the school year, he was also helping with getting the kids there and back. Essentially, we have a third parent. We wouldn’t be able to function without him,” she says. While living with your parents when you’re in your thirties or forties might not feel like an especially grown-up choice, it’s one that many people are making. Multi-generational homes, where three or more generations of the same family reside, are on the rise, according to the most recent census report by Statistics Canada. (This data predates the COVID-19 pandemic.) Between 2001 and 2016, multi-generational homes were the fastest-growing type of household and saw an increase of 37.5 percent. About 2.2 million people in Canada—or about six percent of the population—are living in a multi-generational home. According to France-Pascale Ménard, an analyst with Statistics Canada, the actual numbers are probably higher. Ménard says these totals don’t include families who are occupying multiple levels of duplexes and triplexes, which is also fairly common. (We also don’t yet know if COVID-19 has led to more families cohabitating for child care reasons.) Many of us might picture Grammy or Grandad moving in with us eventually, so we can care for them as they age. But more realistically, it’s the adult, millennial children—the “boomerang generation”—who are knocking on their mom and dad’s door. And this time they’re returning with a spouse and little kids, too. For some, it’s an ideal arrangement that solves many logistical and financial issues. But it can also have its challenges when parenting styles clash, space is at a premium and adult children regress into old family dynamics.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Why more and more families are considering multigenerational living Multi-generational living is not exactly new: Indigenous communities in Nunavut and the Northwest Territories have a long-held tradition of cohabiting and maintain the highest percentages in Canada. Ontario and British Columbia have also seen significant increases, which can be attributed to a number of factors, says Barbara Mitchell, a professor of sociology and gerontology at Simon Fraser University. “In other parts of the world, multi-generational homes are pretty common, so high rates of immigration in Canada play a role as people carry on their cultural traditions.” For many Asian and South Asian cultures, living in a multi-generational home is the norm. In fact, it’s a running joke among many South Asians that their kids are their retirement plans. The eldest son and his wife are typically expected to look after his parents once they can no longer manage on their own. Grandparents are an integral part of family life and they’re often found babysitting, cooking and maintaining the home. It’s also a wonderful way to teach respect for elders and pass on cultural traditions or a connection to ancestry that might otherwise be lost. The rising costs of living, housing prices and limited real estate in metropolitan areas are also big factors in the growing trend. Plus, it’s just math, explains Susan Gamache, a Vancouver-based psychologist and family therapist. “Increased life expectancy means that we have many generations alive at the same time,” she says. For Jenna Durocher,* a human resources professional in Mississauga, Ont., it was the rapidly rising rental market and out-of-reach house prices that drove her decision. Counterintuitively, moving in with her in-laws was the first step to financial independence. Durocher and her husband, who have three kids (and a fourth on the way), have lived in three rentals over the last seven years. “We were looking to purchase a home but it was difficult to come up with a substantial down payment to avoid paying all of the insurance penalties,” she explains. The couple was feeling defeated by rental rates that were constantly increasing and the lack of stability (especially with three young kids in tow). And while Durocher wasn’t picky about the size of the house, she was looking for something close to work, with a fenced-in backyard and laundry on the main or upper level.

At the same time, her in-laws had been thinking of downsizing from the large five-bedroom home where they had raised their five children for the last three decades and investing some of the money into an income property. After much discussion, Durocher and her husband agreed to move into the home with his parents and purchase half of the property, freeing up some of the older couple’s equity and allowing the younger couple to achieve home ownership in a family-friendly neighbourhood they would have never otherwise been able to afford. What does a multi-generational home look like? Some home builders—especially in cities like Brampton, Ont., where one in four people live in a multi-generational dwelling—are responding to demand, completing houses with two master suites and larger-than-average kitchens. Fully finished basement suites are also common; they’re ideal for extended family members who may need a little help getting on their feet, including newlyweds or recent immigrants. At Seaton’s house, things started to become a bit crowded with Pappy in the upstairs guest room. When their lower-level suite (complete with a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and sitting room) became available six months later, her dad moved downstairs. He was providing free child care, so they didn’t need the rental income anymore. The suite is fully integrated within the home and it’s all treated as one space, but it gives everyone a bit of extra breathing room over multiple levels. For Durocher and her family, renovations were needed to better accommodate everyone. Since she, her husband and her mother-in-law all enjoy cooking and entertaining, they decided to update the small, original kitchen into a more open-concept space with a large island, creating more room for prep. The renos also included knocking down the wall between two bedrooms to create a large bedroom suite that would also function as a sitting room. Of course, not all homes—or budgets—are created equal, and economics will dictate what privacy looks like and how it’s achieved.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Allison Holden-Pope, the founder of One Seed Architecture and Interiors in Vancouver, says she’s seen a significant rise in multi-generational homes over the last few years. With the high cost of housing, a rental suite is often required to help pay the mortgage, she explains. But some people don’t like the idea of sharing their space with strangers, and for them, a multi-generational home is preferred, because costs are shared with extended family members. With a dwelling that’s purpose-built, or designed to be multi-generational, everyone should get a space that feels like a wonderful home, she says. Each unit should have large windows, lots of natural light and high ceilings. And if it’s possible, give each family their own separate entrance as well as a shared door (that locks). “The goal should be different than just taking a normal house and trying to fit two families into it,” she adds. “Having a sense of identity in your own place is still very important.” She avoids designing an “in-law suite” that’s really just a glorified guest room, and she doesn’t recommend relegating the suite to the basement, either. Aging in place is another big consideration for anyone building a multi-generational home. Practically speaking, units for older parents should be designed as close to the ground floor as possible to avoid the need for mechanical chair lifts, which may feel undignified to some. (Holden-Pope also notes that it’s actually quite easy to plan for an elevator in the future. “You can use that space as a closet until the need actually arises.”) She encourages wide, open-concept layouts that allow for ease of mobility as well as wheelchair- or walkeraccessible washrooms. And it’s important to think about whether an aging parent might need an extra bedroom or bathroom for a future caregiver, too. Ideally, the whole family should be equally involved in the planning and design process from the beginning. “Sometimes it can feel like a family therapy session,” Holden-Pope says, laughing. “We always make sure that everyone gets heard and everyone’s opinion gets validated. Everyone won’t get what they want, but no one should lose a must-have.”

What are some challenges of living with extended family? It’s not surprising that people living in multigenerational homes face challenges—all families do. But many of them can be chalked up to common roommate squabbles: owning up to dirty dishes left in the sink; figuring out intimacy (and conflict) when the walls are paper-thin; combatting clutter around the house; and making sure whoever finishes the milk replaces it. But other issues around co-parenting, boundaries and personal space can sometimes be trickier to navigate. In an inter-generational household, where there are parents and grandparents (and sometimes even greatgrandparents), raising kids can become complicated. That’s why it’s important for everyone in the house to understand their roles, says Deena Chochinov, a registered clinical counsellor in Vancouver. “The children need to know who the parents are and who is in charge of their behaviour and setting the rules. The grandparents need to understand that they are not parenting the grandkids; they are grandparenting their grandkids, and that is very different,” she says. In the first six months of living with her in-laws, Durocher had to have several conversations with her mother-in-law about trying to parent her kids— especially when it comes to schoolwork and her eightyear-old and six-year-old. “I’m more concerned about character and trying to build critical thinking and less so with whether they get their homework done,” she says. “I want to make sure they’re reaching their own potential.” On the other hand, her mother-in-law focuses more on studying and grades. Durocher realizes it will probably take multiple conversations— and patience—until she sees any change.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

This is something that Deb Henry, a grandmother in Toronto, has to remind herself of on a regular basis. She and her husband share a home with six other people: her daughter and son-in-law and their three teens, as well as her elderly mother. Four years ago, they all chose to pool their resources and rent a bigger home together. “We felt we shouldn’t have to struggle to do everything on our own—we all have to support one another,” Henry says. She has, however, learned to practise restraint when it comes to child-rearing. “My daughter and her husband are great parents, but we raised our kids differently and at a different time. Sometimes when there were issues with the kids, I used to chime in. But I had to take a step back. It was a big learning curve for me because we’ve always been so involved in the kids’ lives.” If things are really chaotic, she escapes to her bedroom to give herself some space. The teens in the house are also learning to take their great-grandmother with a grain of salt. “She’s 83 years old and she’s stuck in her ways—she can be pretty vocal with her opinions about what they do,” Henry says. For Seaton, sometimes it feels as if she’s travelled back in time to being a teenager. “I totally feel like a kid again,” she says. “My dad is always asking me what I’m doing and when I’m going to be home, even when there’s no bearing on child care. He’s also telling me things like how to shovel snow or cook rice, like I’m a kid who needs to be taught. I usually say, ‘Thanks, Dad,’ and move on.” She also finds it difficult to set boundaries with her dad. Sometimes she thinks he’s too strict with the kids (forcing them to eat whatever he cooks and raising his voice when he’s upset). But when she tries to talk to him about it, she says he becomes pretty defensive. When she caught him smoking on the upstairs balcony a little while ago—something she’d already told him was not OK—he mumbled at her, “Oh, you and your rules.” But she says he hasn’t done it again—they’re working it out.

Depending on the house layout, figuring out ways to carve out time for yourself can also take creativity. Sometimes it might mean retreating to your bedroom or going for a solo walk around the neighbourhood. With three little ones around, Durocher says she’s never really alone, but she admits that she misses spending time with just her kids. To make up for it, prepandemic, she would take them to Tim Hortons for breakfast, to the grocery store or for a walk around the mall after dinner. What are the advantages of living in a multigenerational home? When Dave Beaudet and his wife considered downsizing from their townhouse a few years ago, at ages 65 and 62, they didn’t want to move into a condo. So the Hamilton, Ont., couple approached their daughter and son-in-law, who had no prospects of buying a home anytime soon, with an idea: What if they sold their townhouse and used the equity to pay for a larger place they could all share? The older couple could live on the bottom floor, where they wouldn’t have to worry about stairs, and the younger couple could have more space to raise a family. Beaudet’s daughter was initially skeptical. Did they really want to listen to the screams and stomping of a growing toddler? Was this how they envisioned retired life? Beaudet says it hasn’t been a concern for him—he describes the sounds of his two-year-old grandson as “happy, happy music.” Both couples benefit from sharing costs and dividing duties around the house. Beaudet is relieved to know that, as he and his wife age, they’ll have someone to look after them, too. He can’t wait for his grandson to get a bit bigger so he can start passing along some of his own childhood traditions—just like his own grandfather passed on to him. “That’s how generations remember generations,” he says. “We are going to be pretty important people to him.” The value of inter-generational learning like this is a key benefit that is often overlooked, says Mitchell. “Sharing ideas and skills is a way to bridge generations and forge strong bonds,” she explains. You could have elders sharing wisdom that comes only from life experience, and kids and teens can help older folks navigate technology, for example. You also have more people around to share the load of parenting—the aunt who spends hours engaged in pretend play, the uncle who introduces the kids to street hockey in the laneway and grandparents who rejoice in reading the same book over and over and over again when parents exhausted from a long workday might not feel as enthusiastic.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Seaton says the extra help has given her some time back to do more of the fun stuff that she felt she was missing out on. “Before my dad moved in, I was always rushing and exhausted. Now I can spend quality time interacting with my kids. That’s huge.” How has coronavirus affected the decision to live in a multi-generational home? There is plenty of pre-coronavirus research to support how intergenerational relationships are beneficial to lonely seniors, says Mitchell. “When younger people are more used to living with older people, it reduces things like ageism, which can lead to elder abuse and isolation.” And since mental health can have such a big impact on seniors’ physical health, the effects can go even further. However, for families like Seaton, the unknowns around whether children are asymptomatic carriers of COVID19 are complicating matters. Although the illness is still new, it’s now well-documented that older people are at higher risk for more serious complications if they are infected. “We didn’t send the kids back to daycare or school this June because of the risk factor to my dad— he has diabetes and other underlying health conditions,” she explains. “We don’t think he would survive an infection.” Seaton has been doing all the grocery shopping and her dad hasn’t been leaving the house, which she thinks has had a negative impact on his mental health. “He’s more irritable and impatient,” she says. “He does help with breakfast and lunch, but the schooling and activities have fallen solely on my shoulders to carry while working from home, and it’s been emotionally exhausting.” But she’s still glad her dad is there. “There’s a definite sense of comfort in having your parents around, especially as they begin to get older,” she says. Setting boundaries with grandparents before you move in No matter the circumstances that bring a multigenerational family under one roof, there are various strategies that can boost the chances of success. The first, says Chochinov, is discussing what everything is going to look like beforehand. “Figure out what the responsibilities are of the adults in the home, who makes what decisions and how to respect complex familial boundaries.”

Before moving in together, Durocher and her mother-in-law agreed that the only way the living arrangement would be successful was if they were open with one another. If something isn’t working, they have to be able to talk about it. They spoke about expectations around housework, and drew up a contract that outlined each party’s financial obligations and had it notarized by a lawyer. And because Durocher was moving back into her husband’s childhood home, they included his adult siblings in the conversation about boundaries. If anyone planned on dropping by, they had to check with everyone first. (Pre-pandemic, her mother-in-law’s constant entertaining had been a main source of conflict.) Durocher says the key for her has been to remain firm but respectful with her mother-in-law. “I always position it as: ‘Here’s how the problem affects me.’ This shifts the conversation so she can take accountability for her actions, instead of me blaming her.” Using clear, compassionate language when talking to our relatives can help, says Chochinov, the registered clinical counsellor in Vancouver. It’s easy to take for granted that they’re family and will forgive you, no matter what you say in an argument. Take care with the tone and body language you use. Mitchell says that the majority of the cohabiting families she’s studied over the years have had positive experiences. But there’s also something called a “positive selection factor,” she says. “If you’re not from a family with supportive family ties, you’re unlikely to want to be a part of that kind of household to begin with.” Gamache points out how special the multi-generational living dynamic is—she describes it as “a tremendous richness.” It’s something families are learning now more than ever, as we navigate this prolonged period of isolation at home, most of us distanced from our loved ones. “When everything is rosy, people can feel pretty happy with only occasional visits with family. But when everything goes sideways, your extended family is your resource network. And we are finally coming around to appreciate the value of these things.”

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Food

Grilling Recipes Grill times are good times. Especially with these tasty recipes. Photo, Erik Putz.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Summer Lovin Grilled tofu banh mi burger

Grill times are good times. Especially with these tasty recipes. Photo, Erik Putz.

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Grilled Hawaiian pizza

Grilled peaches with granola and mascarpone

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Grilled chicken drumsticks with coleslaw

July/August 2020 - Family Life

Halloumi and veggie skewers on Israeli couscous

Family Life ‐ July/August 2020

Food

Grilled tofu banh mi burger

Grilled Hawaiian pizza

PREP TIME:15 MINS TOTAL TIME:35 MINS

PREP TIME:15 MINS TOTAL TIME:30 MINS

4 burger or ciabatta buns , halved 1/4 cup mayonnaise 1 tbsp sriracha , (optional) 1/2 cup chopped cilantro

1 700-g pkg store-bought pizza dough 2 tbsp olive oil , divided 1 213-mL can pizza sauce 1 1/2 cups finely chopped pineapple 2 cups grated mozzarella 8 thin slices Genoa salami or prosciutto , about 130 g, cut into strips 1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh basil

Tofu 1 350-g pkg extra-firm tofu , drained 2 tbsp soy sauce 1 tbsp honey 2 tsp finely grated ginger Pickled vegetables 1 cup carrot , cut into matchsticks 1/4 cup rice vinegar 2 tsp granulated sugar 1/4 tsp salt 2 baby cucumber , thinly sliced 1. Cut tofu crosswise, then lengthwise, to make 4 burger-size squares. Using a skewer, poke holes in the tofu, then pat dry with paper towels. Stir soy sauce, honey and ginger in a shallow dish and turn each square of tofu to coat. Set aside. 2. Bring carrots, vinegar, sugar and salt to a boil in a small saucepan, then remove from heat. Stir in cucumbers. Set aside. 3. Preheat barbecue to medium. Oil grill and barbecue tofu, reserving marinade, until grill marks form, 2 to 3 min per side. Return tofu to dish and turn each square to coat. Lightly toast buns on grill. 4. Assemble burgers with tofu, mayo, sriracha (if desired), pickled vegetables and cilantro. Drizzle burgers with remaining marinade for extra flavour.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

1. Preheat one side of the barbecue to medium-high. Leave other side unheated. 2. Divide pizza dough evenly into 6 pieces. Roll each piece on a lightly floured surface into a 6-in. circle about ⅛-in. thick. Brush about 1 tsp of oil on one side of each piece, making sure to cover the entire surface. Carefully place pieces of dough, oilside down, on heated side of grill. Brush remaining oil over the tops of the pieces. Grill until dough starts to puff up and grill marks appear on the undersides, 3 to 4 min. 3. Using tongs, flip the crusts over and continue grilling until dough firms up, 2 to 3 min. Transfer to unheated side of grill. Divide pizza sauce among crusts and spread to edges. Arrange pineapple and cheese among crusts, dividing evenly. Grill, covered, until cheese melts and undersides are dark golden, 9 to 12 min. Remove from grill. Sprinkle salami and basil overtop just before serving.

Grilled peaches with granola and mascarpone PREP TIME:10 MINS TOTAL TIME:10 MINS 2 firm ripe peaches , halved and pitted 1/2 cup mascarpone , or plain Greek yogurt 1/2 cup store-bought granola 2 tbsp honey mint leaves , (optional) raspberries , (optional) 1. Preheat barbecue to medium. 2. Oil grill. Barbecue peach halves, cut-side down, rotating 180 degrees halfway, until grill marks form, 2 to 3 min. 3. Transfer each peach half to a dessert dish. Divide mascarpone overtop, then sprinkle with granola. Drizzle with honey. Garnish with mint leaves and raspberries, if desired.

Food

Grilled chicken drumsticks with coleslaw

Halloumi and veggie skewers on Israeli couscous

PREP TIME:15 MINS TOTAL TIME:35 MINS

PREP TIME:15 MINS TOTAL TIME:45 MINS

10 chicken drumsticks , (about 1 kg) 1 tbsp canola oil 1/2 tsp salt 1/2 cup ketchup 1 tbsp brown sugar 6 tsp cider vinegar , divided 5 tsp honey Dijon mustard , divided 1 tsp smoked paprika 1 tsp Worchestershire sauce 1/2 cup mayonnaise 1/4 celery seed 454-g pkg coleslaw mix

8 long wooden skewers 6 1/2 tbsp olive oil , divided 2 tsp lemon zest 1/4 cup lemon juice 2 tsp honey 1/2 tsp salt 1 zucchini , cut into 1/2-in. semi-circles 1 bell pepper , cut into 1-in. pieces 1 227-g pkg small button mushrooms 1 small red onion , finely chopped 2 1/2 cups vegetable broth 2 cups Israeli or pearl couscous 1 250-g pkg halloumi , cut into 1-in. cubes 1/4 cup roughly chopped mint

1. Preheat barbecue to medium. Toss drumsticks with oil and salt in a large bowl. Season with pepper. 2. Stir ketchup with brown sugar, 2 tsp vinegar, 1 tsp mustard, paprika and Worcestershire in a small saucepan set over medium-high. Bring to a boil, stirring, until sugar has dissolved, about 1 min. Reserve half of the sauce in a small bowl. Set aside to let cool slightly. 3. Oil grill. Barbecue drumsticks, with lid closed, for 10 min. Flip and brush with sauce from pan. Continue barbecuing, turning often, until springy when pressed, about 10 more min. 4. Stir mayonnaise with remaining 4 tsp vinegar, remaining 4 tsp mustard and celery seed in a large bowl. Add coleslaw mix and toss to combine. Serve slaw alongside drumsticks and reserved barbecue sauce.

July/August 2020 - Family Life

1. Soak skewers for 20 min. Preheat barbecue to medium. Whisk 6 tbsp oil with zest, lemon juice, honey and salt in a large bowl. Season with pepper. Add zucchini, bell pepper and mushrooms. 2. Meanwhile, heat remaining ½ tbsp oil in a medium saucepan. Add onion and cook until softened, about 3 min. Stir in broth and couscous. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low. Cook, covered, until just tender, 7 to 8 min. 3. Thread halloumi and vegetables onto skewers. Reserve marinade for serving. Oil grill and cook, turning occasionally, until halloumi is golden brown, 12 to 13 min. 4. Serve skewers over couscous, drizzled with marinade and a sprinkle of mint.

Last Look

Cute home accessories to show off national pride Whether you're throwing a Canada Day party, or heading to a celebratory BBQ, these cool canuck products will really add to this weekend's festive atmosphere. 1.The Canada Collection Canada Beverage Caddy, $12, The Bay. 2.Sew Much Pride Canada Pillow, $245, Roots Canada. 3.Festive Straws Paper Party Straws, $9, Anthropologie. 4.Maple Leaf Vintage Linen Tea Towel, $24, Etsy. 5.Canadian Creamer Lauren by Ralph Lauren Red Pagoda Creamer, $10, The Bay. 6.Mountie Serviettes RCMP Cocktail Napkins, $5/pack, Red Canoe. 7.Cozy Throw Tweed Cabin Throw, $115, Roots Canada.

July/August 2020 - Family Life