5 minute read
Win a triptothe Europa League final
How JeroomSnelders,oneof Belgium’s most famous cartoonists, cametodesign Sunday League sideVKLinden’skitwith a difference
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Itstartedwithabeer “I workinthesame office buildingas Linden’ssponsor.Oneday after work I was inthepubandbumpedintooneof theexecutives,whocoachesthe team. Hetoldmehedreamedofhavingthe clubshirtdesigned by me.He reminded mesoberthenextday,but I love todo stufflike that,so I thought,‘why not?’”
Therearenosubstantial sumsofmoneyinvolved “They’rea non-league team,whoare dealinginpocketmoney,but I couldn’t care less.It’sallabouttheexperience. I’dlove todesignmore footballkits, actually.If RealMadridcomeknocking on my door,I’dhappilylistentothem, but I wouldhave to raise my fee!”
Theshirtsscareotherteams “The first timeLinden were dueto wearit,they didn’t evengettochristen theshirtsin a Sunday Leagueswamp becausetheoppositiondidn’tshow up. Mymonstersmusthave scared themoff! I justhopethistrenddoesn’t continue –I want tosee my superhero scoringgoalssoon.” Theworldtooknotice “Inever expected thistogetmuch attentionoutsideour office. Oncethe localmediagot a whiffofit,thestory went viral.Soontheshirts were all over the world, fromBraziltoDenmark toGreece.OneEnglishshirtcollector contactedme, wantingtobuyone. PerhapsLindenshouldstartauctioning offtheirkit?Itcouldmakea fortune!”
HailKingKong “Fortheback, I tookthewhole fantasy monstertheme a bit furtherandhad KingKong fighting off a giant snake. Why not,eh? Prettyunusual for a footiekit, I admit,buttheguys loved it themoment they sawit. I onlyneeded abouttwo days to finish it.Ittook way longertogettheshirtsactuallymade!”
...andtheKraken “Ijustsatdown,let my imagination runwildandstarteddrawingon my computer.I’m a sucker for superheroesand fantasystuff.Soon, I had a superhero clashingwiththe Krakenand a T-Rex. I addedsomeUFOs andthat was the front sideoftheshirt.”
Jeroom’s cartoonsare far from theonly weird stuff found onkits
RosarioCentral Sometimes footballkitsare too specialtoseethelightofday. Caseinpoint:oneflamboyant effort fromArgentines Rosario Central, a snazzy dedicationtolifelong fan andcomedian AlbertoOlmedo. Fans baskedinitsCharlie Chaplin-esqueglory. ColoradoCaribous If you’re onlygoingtospendone seasoninNASL, you’dbetter make sure you standout.How? Put tasselson yourbeigekitand a collarwideenoughto starin a John Wayne film. They finished nishedlm. They fi fi bottom,as bottom, as you wouldinyou would in thismonstrosity. this monstrosity. LaHoyaLorca Findinginspirationintheir surroundings, La Hoya Lorca paidtribute toMurcia’stitle as‘Spain’s vegetable garden’ withthisbroccoli-basedstrip. Whatbetter way tobring five-a-dayve-a-da y fi chictothe chic to the footballingfootballing masses?
AT THE END OF THE DAY GRAEME SOUNESS “Am I embarrassedaboutsomeofthe tackles I made? Yes.But I wasn’tdirty”
Liverpool’s former midfieldenforcer talksconfrontation, camaraderie andcups – lotsofthemeld enforcer talks confrontation, camaraderie and cups – lots of themLiverpool’s former midfi
I knewI’dmadeitas a player theday IleftLiverpool.There was thisculture where we’drunaround every week andsomeone wouldsay,without fail: “Youthink you’rea f***inggood team? You’re notasgoodasthe teams we’ve hadinthepast.”There was always a feelingthatthey wanted you to feel goodbecause you’d wona few trophies, butthatthere was always someone better.When you leave and you reflect onwhat you’ve won, you say to yourself: “We musthave beenprettygood.”
Iwashappiest when I was winning trophies every year,anddoing somethingthatsecretly you woulddo for nothing,or evenpay someonetodo. Those wouldbethetimesatLiverpool.
Football hasneverreallybroken my heart. I’ve won 26trophiesandbeen involvedsincetheageof15untilright now,inoneprofessionoranother. Footballhasbeen verykindtome;ithas never broken my heartanditnever will. As a managerit’spartof yourjobtoget sacked –youacceptthat,theminute you decidetobecomeone – sothey weren’tlows for me.
I still see Galatasaray fans everywhere. I goto Turkey a coupleoftimes a year andlove it – I’ve gotsomegreat friends outthere.When I went there,I’djust hadopenheartsurgery.Oneofthe directorsat Fenerbahcesaid:“Whatare Galatasaray doing,signing a cripple?” Ninemonthslater wewon the Turkish Cupintheirstadium.I’ve gotthisbig flag,thestandisemptyand I can see you want tobeplaying everyotherday,not everyother fortnight.
Myproudestmoment was winningthe European Cupagainst Romain1984,afternobody gave us a chance. Iwas captainand scoredintheshootout.It was thelast time I everkicked a ball for Liverpool.
Captaining Liverpool didn’t registerat thetime – it’sonlyafter you’re finished withit,becausebeing captainis really only a name. You haven’tgot a bigger say;peopledon’tlistento you any more thanusual.It’sjustanarmband,andin termsofthegroup,nothingchanged. Although you dogettogoupthestairs firsttogetthecup... I didn’thave a herogrowingup, butthere was GeorgeBest.He was so handsome,stylishandglamorousas ayoungman,andthe way heplayed footballgot you ontheedgeof your seat.He wasa dribbler.It was exciting.
Peoplesee the gamedifferently abroad. I went becausethemoney was better,butin1984ourculture wasn’t themostprofessional,sogoingtoItaly, where they were allconsummate pros, taughtme a greatdeal.
You don’tget to 60andnothave regrets. Dothey causemesleepless nights?No.Am I embarrassedabout someofthe tackles I made? Yes.In my defence,they were tacklesin retaliation for otherthingsthathadgoneon. I was not a dirtyplayer.
theguy’s faceinthedirectors’box. So Istuckitinthepitch. I thought, “I’llshow you who’s a cripple.”
To me, football is themost wonderful periodin a youngman’slife. You’re part of a group: you wintogether, you lose together.The camaraderieis fantastic, andthehigher you go,themore severe thedressing roomisinitshumour.
Footballers shouldn’tneed rests. Managerswho talkaboutitare planting a seedthattheplayer istired. Ipersonallynever felttired. Ever. I know strikershave different demandson theirbody,but I only ever felttired psychologically,maybeafterlosing acoupleof games.When you’re winning games you’re looking forward because
Champsin’84 after“nobody gaveusachance”
Chop Souey
Theone thing I couldn’tlive without is my family. I hopethat I live longenoughto see my childrenall settledasadults.
Theone thing I wouldchangeabout football is makingit10-a-side.It’dbemore open – more goals,more room for better playerstoexpressthemselves.
Best:handsome, stylish,glamorous
I can’tremember offeringtofight KieronDyerand Lee Bowyer[Dyerclaims Sounesssaidhe’dfightthembothafter theiron-fieldbust-upin2005]. I must have beenonthebrainpillsthatday.
GraemeSouness was speakingonbehalf of CapitalOne,thecredit card company andsponsorsofthe LeagueCup
MEET BLYTH SPARTANS’GAFFEROF 50YEARS (NO,REALLY)
Comedian Tony Jameson talksusthrough hispopularshow FootballManagerRuined MyLife. Euro gloryatCroft Park,anyone?
StagefrightwithPulis
“When I thoughtofdoing a show about a computer game, my wife said,‘It’s far tooniche’,butI’mtwo yearsinand doingthe LeicesterSquare Theatre now. Ithastotally validatedallthetime I wastedonthe game!I’ve performedit at footballclubs – BlythSpartans,then Huddersfield, Tranmere andWimbledon – and Ididit for the FootballManager guys,which was nervy,giventhetitle, butthey’re onboard.It’s my life now. I even went tothe LeagueManager Awardsandtook a p*ssnextto Tony Pulis.That was quite impressive.” DerektheGreat
Deadlineday orawedding?
“Ididsomesumsand workedoutthatI’ve spent two-and-a-half yearsof my life playing FootballManager about threehours a day for 20 years.I’ve done the weird stuff: standing outside my bedroom whileserving a touchlineban,learning the Cameroonnationalanthem – just thefirst few lines;I’mnotmental– and I oncesnuckoutof a weddingtofinish off transferdeadlineday.I’ve heard somegreatstories.Some fellastoldme they usedtomanageBelgian teams so for theirlads’holiday they visitedthe groundsandboughttheshirts.” Anti-socialmedia “I’ve beenmanagingBlythSpartans for50 years.I’mabout85now.So for afollow-upshow, I triedtomeetthe boys whohad won metheChampions League. FootballManager generates newplayers after a while,so Isearched for peoplewiththesamename.Butit’s beentricky. A MilosDjordjevic was the most difficult totrackdown. Ray deBoer wasn’ttoohard,buthis Facebookprofile picture was ofwhat I presume was his genitalia. I didn’tgetintouchwithhim.” “I was disappointed withthe reactions –itturnsoutpeopledon’t reallylike being messaged randomlyabouthow good they were as a ‘regen’on Football
Manager. My captain,Derek Reynolds, was alegend:he camethroughthe youth teamtobecomeoneofthebest centre-backsinthe world.He was also somebloke on Facebook. Isaid,‘You won theChampions League!’andhesaid, ‘Er,whatare you on “OCameroon, ThouCradleof ourFathers...” about?’ I sent hislistof achievementsandhe toldme,‘Ithink you’ve gotthewrong fella’.”
Nevermeetyourheroes “Acoupleofguys gotintoit,although IendedupwiththreeJohnny Wilsons. Ideally I wanted togetthe team togetherandplaya matchagainstthe actualBlythSpartans,toseeif I can be arealmanager.ButI’ve beenthrough alotwiththeseguys,andobviouslythe randompeople won’tmatchup.I’dbe saying,‘You won theChampions League! Comeon,man,stopbeingrubbish!’ Althoughit wouldbegoodtohearthe fanschanting:‘ThreeJohnny Wilsons, there’sonlythreeJohnny Wilsons…’”
FootballManagerRuinedMyLife isatthe
LeicesterSquare Theatre,April13-18
YOU ASKING?
Wherefootball folkponderthe issuesoftheday
Whowillbethe PremierLeague’sfour qualifiersforthe ChampionsLeague?
FRANCIS BENALI
Saints legend
“ChelseaandManchester Cityhave thetoptwo sewn up,butI’ve gottosay Saints and afterthat,who cares?! I’llsay ManchesterUnited.”
MARK WARBURTON
Brentford boss
“Ithinkitwillalmostbe acleansweep for London –Chelsea,ArsenalandSpurs, joined by ManCity.Not necessarilyinthatorder.”
JAMIECURETON
Experienced Dagenham goal-getter
“ManUnitedare my team soI’ve gottohave them inthere.ThenChelsea, ManchesterCityand Arsenal. Fingerscrossed.”
STEVEWALSH
Ex-Foxes defender and author
“I can’tseepastChelsea, ManCity,ArsenalandMan United.It’sgoingtobetight, though,sodon’tdiscount LiverpoolorSpurseither.”
Theuniversityboat raceisinApril.Will youbewatchingit?
“Iknow whatthoseguys go throughandit’stough.But I love itwhen a boatsinks orsomeonejumpsin!” “Ilove it.Itsignalsthestart ofthesportingsummer. It’s a greatEnglishtradition – Ilove whatitstands for.” “I can’tsayI will. I haven’t beeninmany dressing roomsthathave been keen tohave itonat half-time.” “I’mnotsure.Whenisit? Imightbebusythatday.”
