TheStruggle IsReal

The Struggle Is Real

New Excuses to Get Out of Kids’ Birthday Parties

By Raquel D’Apice

1.“Hi!Thankyouallso, somuchfortheinvite! Please acceptour heartfeltapologies thatwewon’tbein attendanceatLeo’s GourmetBakeryJunior birthday! It sounds like so much fun, but unfortunatelyAsher is allergic to nuts, eggs, flour, aprons, and measuring spoons, and it’s so sweet ofyou to ask, but even if the kitchen is somehow able to accommodate him, I am highly, highly allergic to driving to the townwhere mymotherin-law lives at 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Please send our best to the birthday boy!”

2.“Iamheartbroken thatwewillnotbeable toattendDevin’s‘Thar SheBlows’pirateparty! We had a blast lastyear, butwatching Devin spend hours opening gifts that Teddy willthen want (because Devin has them) is rough, since our apartment is 950 square feet and under the best conditions looks like a Toys‘R’Us after a major earthquake. Please send Devin a‘Yarrrrr!’ from us, and ifwe don’t seeyou soon,assume we were crushed under theweight of whatevertoys Teddy is drowning in but never plays with.”

3.“Sosadwecan’t attendZooey’ssmackin-the-middle-of-thedaypartyatBounce BounceAcademy, but standing in awindowless warehouse blaring kidfriendly pop songs fills mewith the type of existential dread (Why are we here? Does life have meaning?) that I normally only experience reading Noam Chomsky orwatching realityTV. Have a blast.Wewill send a gift!!” 4.“Ugh,whatabummer,butwewillnotbe availablefor Trevor’s go-kartandarcade extravaganza birthday party, because Trevor is an aggressive and unrepentant bullywho regularly picks on the other children in theclassandat the playground and KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING hahahahahaha. I’m sure it’s becausewe have a soccer tournament or something! Have fun!”

5.“Sorry toRSVP ‘No,’butwe’reunable tomake Emma’smermaidpoolpartyat yoursummerhome! Not thatwe are not totally in lovewithyour lavish pool turned lagoon and the fact that lastyearyou gave out $90 Land of Nod gift cards as favors, but I am coming to gripswith the fact thatwe are never breaking out of the ‘plastic wading pool and goody bags filledwith stickers from the discount store’ demographic, and the envy is palpable. So sad to miss it but can’twait to obsess over the photosyou post on Instagram!”

6.“Peterwillnotmake thepartyonSunday, becauseIamjustopenly acknowledgingthat heandDamonarenot reallyfriendsandPeter isinvitedonlybecause youfeltobligatedto invitethewholeclass. (Been there!) If there’s an emergency situation in which attendance looks dangerously low and Damon’s self-esteem is at stake, let me know and we will find a way to get over there. Please accept thisAmazon gift card,which you can obviously spend onyourself as a reward for havingyour life temporarily taken over by an 8-year-old child’s birthday party. Stay strong.”