The Struggle Is Real
New Excuses to Get Out of Kids’ Birthday Parties B y R a q u e l D ’A p i c e
1. “Hi! Thank you all so, so much for the invite! Please accept our heartfelt apologies that we won’t be in attendance at Leo’s Gourmet Bakery Junior birthday! It sounds like so much fun, but unfortunately Asher is allergic to nuts, eggs, flour, aprons, and measuring spoons, and it’s so sweet of you to ask, but even if the kitchen is somehow able to accommodate him, I am highly, highly allergic to driving to the town where my motherin-law lives at 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Please send our best to the birthday boy!”
2. “I am heartbroken that we will not be able to attend Devin’s ‘Thar She Blows’ pirate party! We had a blast last year, but watching Devin spend hours opening gifts that Teddy will then want (because Devin has them) is rough, since our apart-
140 REAL SIMPLE APRIL 2018
ment is 950 square feet and under the best conditions looks like a Toys‘R’Us after a major earthquake. Please send Devin a ‘Yarrrrr!’ from us, and if we don’t see you soon, assume we were crushed under the weight of whatever toys Teddy is drowning in but never plays with.”
3. “So sad we can’t attend Zooey’s smackin-the-middle-of-theday party at Bounce Bounce Academy, but standing in a windowless warehouse blaring kidfriendly pop songs fills me with the type of existential dread (Why are we here? Does life have meaning?) that I normally only experience reading Noam Chomsky or watching reality TV. Have a blast. We will send a gift!!”
4. “Ugh, what a bummer, but we will not be available for Trevor’s go-kart and arcade extravaganza birthday party, because Trevor
from the discount store’ demographic, and the envy is palpable. So sad to miss it but can’t wait to obsess over the photos you post on Instagram!”
is an aggressive and unrepentant bully who regularly picks on the other children in the class and at the playground and KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING hahahahahaha. I’m sure it’s because we have a soccer tournament or something! Have fun!”
6. “Peter will not make the party on Sunday, because I am just openly acknowledging that he and Damon are not really friends and Peter is invited only because you felt obligated to invite the whole class.
5. “Sorry to RSVP ‘No,’ but we’re unable to make Emma’s mermaid pool party at your summer home! Not that we are not totally in love with your lavish pool turned lagoon and the fact that last year you gave out $90 Land of Nod gift cards as favors, but I am coming to grips with the fact that we are never breaking out of the ‘plastic wading pool and goody bags filled with stickers
(Been there!) If there’s an emergency situation in which attendance looks dangerously low and Damon’s self-esteem is at stake, let me know and we will find a way to get over there. Please accept this Amazon gift card, which you can obviously spend on yourself as a reward for having your life temporarily taken over by an 8-year-old child’s birthday party. Stay strong.”
Photograph by Brian Henn
