ModernManners

Modern Manners

REAL SIMPLE ’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN ,OFFERS HER BEST ADVICE ON

YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.

J.W. ASKS... My husband and I live in a close-knit active adult community. One couple invites about200 neighbors to an open house eachyearvia email, andwe have attended everyyear. I heard the invites were out thisyear, but none showed upin our inbox. It’svery doubtful that weweren’t invited. How dowe proceed?

Unlessyou drunkenly barfed into their begonias lastyear, Iwould assume they meant to inviteyou. Maybe they had an email glitch, oryou did. (You’ve checkedyour spam folder, right?) Send a delicate inquiry: “We don’t seem to have received an open house invitation thisyear.We’re assuming you decided to host a smaller gathering, which weunderstandcompletely! Wewould just hate to miss it if that wasn’t yourintention.”Andgive your email a self-ironic subject line, like “Awkwardness alert!”You’ll hear back that of course they meant to invite you. Or they’ll confirm that they’ve shrunk the invite list.These are both outcomesyou can livewith more readily than not knowing. (But also? Checkyour spam folder.)

ABOUT CATHERINE The author of One Mixed-Up Night, Catastrophic Happiness, and Waiting for Birdy, CatherineNewman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionatedchildren in Amherst, Massachusetts. M.T. ASKS... I don’t like seafood at all. I have tried over theyears to learn to like it, but I simply don’t. My husband and I are planning avisitwith my brother-in-law, who, despite knowing about my dislike for fish, puts it in every dish. He’ll even add anchovies or fish sauce to a nonfish meal because, he says, it adds umami. My husband and I agree he does this out of spite. Is it OK to bring my own food so I have something to eat, or do I have to live on side dishes for four days?

Umami trumps all! Oh,wait, no. Graciousness does.Your brother-in-law is being a terrible host.As a lover myself of those ineffable salty, lip-smacking flavors, I say: Introduce him to sea-free alternatives (miso, Marmite, and Parmesan, to name just a few) or ask him to hold a portion back before fishing it all up. Failing that? Bringyour own food.And try clearing the air, because something seems seriously amiss inyour relationship.

M.F. ASKS... When my kids are playing outside, our neighbors’ 9-year-old often comes to ouryard to play. He is a sweet boy, but honestly, his presence is annoying, and he never asks if he can play (and his parents are never nearby).Arewe obligated to include him, or is there away to ask for our family space?

This is tricky. I alwayswant to be a force of good in a child’s life and to model for my family thatwe don’t exclude the lonely from our resources of time and company. But I alsowant my own children to learn healthy boundaries. In our neighborhood, playing in the frontyard pretty much constitutes an open invitation, but this is not true of the back. “We’re happy to haveyour companywhenwe’re out front,”you could say toyouryoung neighbor, “butwhenwe’re in the back, that means it’s family time.” If you get an opportunity to talk to the parents,you could try saying something gentle: “Oh,your son is so sweet! But hisvisits are a little tricky becausewe’ve been trying to spend more time together just as a family. Doyou have any advice for us?” One small wait-for-itconsolation: Thekids will all change and sowill this particular issue.

A.E. ASKS... My sister is so sensitive that she is offended by nearly everything. Being around her is to constantlywalk on eggshells—it’s exhausting. But no one in my familywants to confront her about it, because shewill undoubtedly become offended. Dowe say something anyway or just stay uncomfortable around her?

Iworry thatwhat seems to the family likeyour sister’s cranky mood is actually something bigger. Depression, maybe. Or a major difference that’s isolating her and that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her feelings about: She’s broke, and the rest ofyou aren’t; she’s childless and doesn’twant to be. Maybe she feels like nobody cares. Rather than framing it as a confrontation, canyou musteryour compassionwhenyou talk to her? Don’t speak for the family, since that could make her feel ganged up on. Simply ask, “Canyou tell mewhat’s going on? I’m worriedthatyou’reunhappy when we’re together, and I’m not sure I understand why. But Iwant to.”And then listen. It can be so hard to remember, but however tiresome it is to spend timewith an unfun person, it’s a lot more difficult to be that person. In theVenn diagram of your lives,you overlap a littlewith her difficult circlewheneveryou see her; she’s thewhole circle, all the time. See ifyou can help.

HAVE AN ETIQUETTE QUESTION?

Submit your social conundrums to modernmanners@realsimple.com. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month.