Your vexing pet questions, answered

Modern Manners

REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN, OFFERS HER BESTADVICE ON YOUR SOCIALQUANDARIES.

At a child’s birthday party I went to recently, there were preprinted thank-you notes in each goody bag. I always thought thank-you notes should include a nice mention of the gift,which obviously isn’t possiblewith a generic card. My own child’s party is coming up, and I’m tempted to take the easy routewith the preprinted cards, but is it proper?

C.L.

Generic, preprinted thank-you notes are not proper from an etiquette standpoint. And from a gratitudebuilding one, they’re not right either. I say this as a person who has shepherded my children through the writing of hundreds of thank-you notes during their gift-getting lives. In other words, I understand that you’d rather be getting a root canal than trying to extract gratitude (18 times over) from your son. But it’s important. A thank-you note says, “I’m grateful for the time you took to come to my party and for the care you took in selecting this gift for me.” These are sentiments that cannot be meaningfully expressed in advance. Nor will your child reap the rewards that way—and, according to psychologists, the benefits of gratitude are numerous, including better social skills, a higher degree of empathy, and even greater life satisfaction overall. Make it more fun, if you can. Provide cute stationery and good snacks. Or make it less onerous—for example, if the writing itself is too great a burden for a young child,

About Catherine

The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts. then let him dictate his thoughts to you. And feel free to take the easy route for other party details. Storebought cupcakes! E-mailed invitations! Prefilled goody bags! Shortcuts are OK for anything but the gratitude.

When I stay overnight at someone’s house, I never know whether I should make up the bed the way I found it or remove the sheets and take them down to the laundry area the next morning. Any advice?

J.M.

Ask your hosts. “How would you like me to leave the bed? Should I make it up or strip it?” They’ll probably say, “Oh, just leave it,” and that’s fine—you can. They might end up making it up with the same sheets, which is what we do when we don’t have time to wash them but don’t want to confront a stripped mattress every time we walk past the guest bed. Or they’ll strip it themselves, which is not an overly time-consuming task. (And they may not be sure at 8 o’clock on the morning of your departure what, exactly, their housekeeping plan is for the day.) The only time I follow a different course of action is when my hosts are older, if I’m worried that stretching sheets and blankets over the bed is too great a physical hardship. “I’m stuffing these sheets in your washer,” I might say. “Where are fresh ones I can make the bed with?” The more matter-of-fact you are about it, I’ve found, the better your chances of getting to be helpful.

RELATING

modernmanners My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. His mother regularly came and cleaned his old apartment. Now that we’ve moved into a new place, she still wants to do this. I expressed to my boyfriend that this makes me uncomfortable, as I don’t like the idea of his mother cleaning up after me. In spite of that, I agreed that she could come occasionally, as long as she let us know first. I came home last week and noticed she had stopped by. When I spoke to my boyfriend, he said he’d had no idea she was coming. I know it makes her happy to feel like she’s helping her son, but I think coming over unannounced crosses a major line. How do I bring this up without hurting anyone’s feelings?

A.K.

I’m cringing a little. The fact that your grown boyfriend allowed his mom to do his dirty work strikes me as something of a relationship red flag, as does the fact that he continues to allow her. (Dude, pull on a pair of rubber gloves and clean up after yourself!) I dearly hope that he will not expect you to pick up where the maternal coddling leaves off. But for now, you are not asking about that. You are asking about boundaries and how best to establish some. Let’s give the mother the benefit of the doubt and assume that she simply wants to be helpful—that she’s not there to nose into your dirty laundry or reassert her primacy in her son’s life. Encourage your boyfriend to say, compassionately butfirmly, that her cleaning days are over: “Mom, I’m so lucky to have a parent who cares so much and wants to take care of me. But I’m an adult now, and it’s time for me to start taking care of myself.” He can also explain that you’d both prefer her not to come over unannounced, because then you don’t have a chance to host her properly. Putting it this way will reinforce the idea that she is, in fact, a guest in your home— not a resident. Will his mother feel like she’s being pushed away? She will. She is. And it’s hard. But it’s absolutely necessary.

I have a coworker who is taking a leave of absence for very serious surgery. All of us in the office want to acknowledge his leaving, but of course this is not a celebration. Is there a protocol for this type of situation?

M.H.

However you end up expressing your best wishes, your coworker is lucky to have such caring and conscientious people in his life. The nitty-gritty, though, I’m less sure about. I think that how you should respond dependson who he is. Of course you wouldn’t want to stage an awkward event that draws attention to unfortunate circumstances or breaches confidentiality. But if he has been open with everyone about his situation, then I think it would be nice to say something like, “We were hoping to gather for a send-off before you go. Would that be OK with you?” I like the idea of marking the occasion—with sandwiches or cake— because health crises can be so isolatingly private. Then again, I’m the person who threw my dying best friend a blowout birthday party in hospice. But I knew she’d love it. If, however, you imagine that your coworker would be more embarrassed than grateful, then perhaps you could all simply sign a card wishing him a smooth and speedy recovery, affirming your willingness to help with meals or company during his convalescence and reminding him that you’ll be very glad when he returns. How do I get people to leave a party at the time specified on an invitation? I’m hosting an event from 4:30 to 6 p.m., and I really need guests to leave right at 6. I’m worried it will drag out. Do I put a note on the invitation? Or say something at the event?

M.M.

I tend to think of hosting as a holistically expansive gesture. You invite your guests in the spirit of graciousness and then attend to them likewise. So, honestly, I’m not in love with the idea of such a constraining time frame or of hurrying everybody out at a designated time. That said, there is doubtless a good reason you need to do it this way, so do it as gently as possible. An advance headsup is certainly preferable to a surprise bum’s rush, so try making a note at the bottom of the invitation: “Looking forward to seeing you! Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, the festivities need to end at 6 promptly. I hope you understand.” With plenty of notice, perhaps your friends will be able to coordinate an after-party get-together to extend the celebratory feeling.

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