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CAREER COACH
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THE ULTIMATE COMBINATION OF FORM AND FUNCTION, FAUX SHEARLING–LINED, ULTRA-SOFT SUEDE FEELS AS LUXURIOUS AND SNUG AS IT LOOKS.
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INTERNETTHE TINGT AGAINST
NADINE*,A STAY-AT-HOME MOM, thoughtlittleof itatthetime:Shewaspreparingfoodinthekitchen, and herson,Ethan*,apopular, adventuresome 12-year-old,appeared besideher.“Mom?” he said, not meeting hereyes. “I brokemyiPodTouch. I’m reallysorry.”Nadinegaveher sonahug and toldhimnottoworry aboutit. Sheand Ethan’s dad pridedthemselves onstaying on topofthe technologyuseofalloftheirchildren,activatingthe parental controlsonfamilycomputersandinsisting that no screens enter thebedrooms at night.They hadbeen planningtohold out on buying theirson aniPhone,unsureifhewasreadyfortherespon-
*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED FOR PRIVACY. sibility.But Ethan,whohadahistoryofADHD and anxiety issues, seemedtobe thrivinginschool. Maybehewasready afterall.
A fewmonths later,Ethangot asurprise:an iPhone.Always EagleScoutpolite,hehugged hisparentsanddisappeared to hisroom—not tosetuphisnewdevice,asNadinethought, but tocry.“Iwassooblivious,”Nadine told me recently, throughtears. Shehadnoideathat Ethan had brokenhis iPodonpurpose,trying tokickaspiraling pornography habit that now, with theInternetonce again in hispocket, hewouldbeunableto resist.“Hewasbegging metohelphim manage histechnology,”says
Nadine. “Itwas justmuchtoo powerfulfor him.”
Powerful,indeed.American teensabsorbanaverageofnine hoursofentertainment andsocial media a day, according toa national surveyby Common SenseMedia. Let’spausefor amoment:nine hours, everyday.(Howisthispossible? Some of those hours aresimultaneous—Facebook plusmusic, say.)
Betweentheirdistractionsand ours,it’s hardlyanywonderthat, according to astudybythe technologysecuritycompanyMcAfee, nearly aquarterofparents struggle tokeep upwiththeirkids’digital lives,and70percentofteenshideat leastsomeoftheir onlinebehavior.
Isignorancebliss, or doesour inattention putourkidsatrisk? Manymental-healthexpertsare standinguptoclaimthelatter. DanielSanderson,Ph.D.,widely knownas“DocDan,”is a clinical psychologist andtheclinicaldirector ofStarGuides,inSt. George, Utah, a therapeuticrehabilitationprogram whereteens canreceive treatment forthe newlymintedbehavioral disorderknownas“problematic Internetuse,”anumbrellaterm for any useoftechnology that causes impairmentordistress.As he explains:“Young adults,adolescents, and littlekidsare all‘digitalnatives,’ born intoaworldwhereconnectionsareformed andlifeislived online. They will beexposedtothe negativerealitiesof the Internet.” Three ofthebiggestthreats to kids right now, accordingtoSanderson andotherexpertsI spokewith: pornographyand its creeping convergencewithreallife; communities thatromanticize depression, selfharm,and suicide;and excessive gamingthatcanalter—and sometimestake over—young lives.
It’stimeto turntoprofessionals andfamilieswho havebeen thereto askwhatmay be themost important parenting questionofourtime:Whenkidsgetlostonline, howcanweempower themtoreturn to us healthy,safe,and strong?
TOOMUCH, TOO SOON
Nationwidesurveys of studentshave foundthat asmanyas93percent ofboysand62percent ofgirls haveseen pornographyinadolescence. Ethanwas17whenhebegan toopenuptohis dadabouthissecret life. Hesaidthathehadfirst stumbleduponInternet porn byaccident, before parental controlsweresetupon thehome computers.Thatwasinthirdgrade.By ninth grade,herevealed, he hadbecomeobsessed withviewingsexuallyexplicitimages—buthe leftout the factthatmanywere of girlshemet onsocialmediaand,even closer to home,at school.Floored, Ethan’sparentsinstalledbetter blocking softwareonhisphone,sent him for counseling,andprayed.But the iPhoneblockers missedInstagram and Snapchat.Anddespite wanting tostop,Ethanwas soonspending hours everyday “connecting”withotheryoung peoplethroughporn.
AnotherthingEthandidn’tconfess:Onseveral occasions,sextingwith girlshehadmetonsocial media led to real-lifehookups thatleft Ethan depressedandashamed.Not thatanyonecould tell.To his parents,friends, andmany socialmedia followers,he seemedfine:busy, confident, grinninginphotospostedonline. “We justdidn’t getit,” saysNadine.“People havetorealize, if your childwasexposedtoheroin and he said,‘I’m havinga hardtimewith heroin,’youwouldn’t say, ‘Well,youjustneed to stop. Let’sputsome blocksup.’Ifyou’veneverhadthe problem,you don’t realizehowdeep itgoes.”
Sadly, Nadine’s heroinanalogymaynot be far offthemark.Scientists arejust beginningto discoverthatmany electronicpastimestrigger thereleaseofdopamine,the samefeel-good neurotransmitterthat drivessubstanceaddictions. Each timeweseean arousing image or slaya virtual dragoninavideo game,we getahitof dopamine.And themore dopaminethe highly malleableyoung braingets, the more itrewires itselftocravewhateverproducedthat hit.Over time,higherandhigherdoses are neededto feelthesameeffect.RobertWeiss, a licensed clinicalsocialworker specializingindigitalmedia andhuman sexualityandthe author of CloserTogether,FurtherApart: TheEffectofTechnologyand the InternetonParenting,Work,and Relationships, explains: “Adolescenceitself isavery traumatictime. What ifyoufind thisincredibly affirming,powerfulexperience? Oddsareyouwillreturntoit.”Fora childwhogetshisorher fix from porn or gaming,the chase can become soconsuming that sports, hobbies,andreal-life friendships fall bythewayside.Likeyoungsubstanceaddicts,saysWeiss,“these kids aremissingout onimportant socialdevelopment. Theymay wake upat23 and[realize]thatthey haven’t hadarelationshipand they’re notdoingwell atwork— they’re failing.”
Parentsneedtohave multiple conversations withtheirkidsabout what theyareencounteringonline.Oneway to establish opennessisto share aboutyourownmedia use. “Thenlet themknowthattheiruse oftechnologyissomethingyou wantand need tohear about,” saysWeiss.Whenitcomes tosocial media,expertssuggestlettingkids leadtheconversation:Askthem towalkyouthroughtheir appsand games andhowtheywork.Asfor talkingaboutadult material, explain why viewingitwhenyou’re stillgrowing up canbe stressful, misleading,andrisky.Remindthem thatthe Internetisnotprivate, andthattheirinformationand viewinghabitsaremost likelybeing trackedbyoutside servers,which couldleadto unwanted, even dangerous,attention. “Encourage themtoestablishtheir own boundarieswhilestressingthatyouare alwayswithinarm’sreach online,” says Weiss.
A greatwaytoget thebalance right,say experts, isby installing, withyour child’sknowledge,ageappropriateblockingormonitoring software. Fortheyoungestkids,that meansturningon parental controls in the settings of mobile devices and computers. Buttherearealsomore customizableblockingapps, like Net Nanny(netnanny.com).Forkids 12andup,experts recommend installinga trackersuch asthe UKnowKidsapp,whichallows kids toself-managetheirsocial-media use butdelivers regular reports to parents.Yourchild canlook, but he’s goingtohavetotalkaboutitwith youlater.Andifthattalkends up beingaboutthe17practicallynude Instagramusershestartedfollowing yesterday,Weissemphasizes the importance of remainingcalm and steeringclearofa “gotcha” mentality. “Thegoalis never to shameour kids,”hesays.“We’re talkingabout theirsexualityand their senseof selfhere.” Parents oftweens and teensmightwant tohighlight thatsentence,asit holds a potentsecret:Acceptance is thewayin. Wemaynotadmirethesexuallandscapein which ourkids arecomingof age,but it’sareality. Ourtolerance,not ourjudgment,isour greatest toolforsupportingthem.
Trish*, theformercaptainofherhighschool cheerleadingsquad,watched pornfromayoung ageand used itasacoping mechanismwhenshe felt stressed about schoolandfamilyrelationships. “Irememberwaitingfor peopletoleave the house soI couldwatchitandnumbout,”shesays. Does shewish herparents (who arestill in thedark aboutwhatshewas doing) hadrestricted herdigitalaccess?Oratleastpreparedher forwhatshe might be seeingonline? “Iwould have gottento [porn]whethertheywererestrictive or not,”says Trish.“And if my parents hadcome to me about whatwasgoing on,Iprobablywouldn’t have talkedtothem. But if theyhadsaid, ‘There are other peopleyoucantalkto,’ Iwouldhave been opento that.” Instead—aswithmany adolescents whogethookedonporn,saytheexperts—the nextstepwasactingout.Trishtextednudephotosofherselftoastranger shehadmetonTwitter. “Myschoolfriendsthought Iwasoneway,”she says,“andbehindcloseddoorsIwasanotherway.”
SADNESS SEEKING SADNESS
Perhapsnowhere aregirlstrying onsecretlivesandidentitiesmore than onTumblr, thehighlyvisual platformwhereblogging communitiesformaround thousands of topics—from bandstobeagles, fashion to…subjects youhopeyourchild will neverGoogle,letaloneblogabout.
Althoughstilllesspopular than Facebookand Instagram,Tumblr is usedby23percent of all U.S.girls ages13to17, accordingtothe Pew ResearchCenter.Theplatform doesnot track its 300million–plus blogs by subjectmatter,butafew hours of exploringwill confirm that“depression blogs,”which may includedepictionsofself-harming, eatingdisorders,andeven suicide, are abundant. In my interviewswith nearlya dozen depression bloggers overthe pastyear,acertainpersonalitytypeemerged:that ofa high achieverwho worksovertimeto keep up appearanceswhilesecretly
